Defective Weapons Inc.

[The Perky Ent]

Well, I think don't think there's a thread like this, so I'll start one. This thread is dedicated to wondering what would happen to people if their weapons didn't work. Enjoy :D

Witch King: No man can kill me. Die now.

Merry: Die! *sword breaks* D'oh!

Eowyn: *dies*
Gondorians retreating from Osgiliath: Run away!!!

Gandalf: Let there be light! *no light* D'oh! Why did I pick Energizer®?

Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!
*nothing happens*
Shelob: Sucker! Mwa ha ha!

King of the Dead: None but the King of Gondor may command me!

Aragorn: *parry* *Anduril breaks* Thanks a lot Elrond :rolleyes:

Orc: I'm going to bleed you!

Sam trying to impale orc: *nothing happens*

Orc: *licks mouth* Yay! A two for one special

Sam: Can't we just work this out?

Orcs: Grond! Grond! Grond!

Trolls: Alley Oop!

*rope supports break* *Grond falls on the ground*

Pink Orc: You...you can fix that...right?


Get the idea. Cool! Have fun :D

[Saraphim]

lol, perky! Great thread!

Gandalf: You shall not pass! *slams down staff; breaks*
Balrog: Well, lookie there. Who's the weilder of the flame of Anor now?
Frodo: I claim the Ring as my own! *puts on Ring*
*Nothing happens*
Frodo: I said I claimed the Ring as my own! *shakes the ring and puts it back on*
*Still nothing*
Frodo: uh...

[The Perky Ent]

Nice ones Saraphim! Here's another: Pippin: Let's light the Becons!
*drops fire*
*nothing happens*
Pippin: Why won't it work?
*tries again*
*nothing happens*
Pippin: Um...guys, can you give me a hand here?
Guard: Sorry, that becon doesn't have any wood
Pippin: D'oh! Gandalf's gonna kill me *pulls out his cell phone* Let's see here. Text msg: Steward crazy, world ending, bring help...ps, tell Merry I say hi. To:EDORAS
Gandalf: Did you light the becon?
Pippin:Um...yes (hoping his lie will work)
Gandalf:...ok. Wanna go for a round of whack the steward?
Pippin: I thought you'd never ask!

[elronds_daughter]

lookin' good so far! let's see if i can manage to add something....
Lurtz: *tries to shoot Boromir*
*nothing happens*
Boromir: Are you trying to do something?
Lurtz: *tries again. still nothing* uh...
Boromir: All right, that's it. You've stood there long enough. I'm just going to have to kill you. *tries to cut off Lurtz's head. his sword breaks*
Aragorn: *comes running into a scene that was perfectly good without him* I'LL SAVE YOU, BOROMIR!!!!!!! *trips over a tree root and sprawls face-first on the ground*
*Boromir and Lurtz sigh and walk off, arm in arm, humming "we're off to see the wizard..."*
(after all, there really was nothing to save)

[***Gandalf***]

Wow. This is a really cool thread. How about...Frodo: For no reason whatsoever, I'm going to put on my ring
Witch King: Die!
*nothing happens*
Frodo: *kicks Nazgul and runs away* Sucker

[Firefoot]

What if...*Isildur picks up the already broken Narsil*
Isildur: I will have the Ring!
*swings at Sauron - Narsil doesn't cut*
Isildur: What the...?
Sauron: Never!
*Sauron wins the Battle of The Last Alliance.* Gurthang: Yea, I will drink thy blood gladly, etc.
*Túrin casts himself on his sword - sword turns to jell-o*
Túrin: Hey! Stupid sword. *The bridge of Khazad-dûm breaks*
*Falling, the Balrog swings his whip at Gandalf, which does nothing.
Gandalf: Haha, not this time!

[Maeggaladiel]

Heh heh! This thread is awesome!
*in Shelob's lair* Frodo: O Elbereth! Gilthoniel! (or whatever it is he says) *Holds up phial. Nothing happens* Wuh oh...
Shelob: Meh heh heh! *eats him*

*Witch King swings giant mace and hits Eowyn. Mace busts.*
Eowyn: Was that supposed to happen?
Witch King: Well, this is not my day.
*Eowyn swings sword. It shatters*
*silence*
Witch King: Soooooo... Rock Paper Scissors?
Eowyn: Loser jumps off a cliff!!

Yeah. I'll shut up now, OK?
~Maeg

[Lady Snickerdoodle]

Lurtz: Stand still while I shoot you, human.
Boromir: Aha! You think you can go uncontested but see what happens when I blow the mighty horn of the kings of yore!
*big breath* *blows into horn* *random bubbles drift out the other end* Ahhm...

Elrond: Take ye this mighty blade of Isildur and with hammer and anvil and flame reforge the sword of kings!
Random elf blacksmith (Will turner?): *bows* I will make it shine as the sun upon the Anduin. *places it reverentially in the forge for the metal to soften*
Elrond: Your name will be sung in the halls of mandos. *leaves*
Blacksmith: *turns around and sees a puddle of molten metal in the forge* Damit, forgot to set the timer... *runs away*

:D

[The Perky Ent]

Yes, if we already have one, please don't copy it, unless of course, it's funnier. But if you are going to do the same thing, try not to stick to the same format. Otherwise, these are looking great!


Feanor: Quick! Kill the Teleri and take their ships!
*nothing happens*
*Teleri surround Noldor*
Feanor: Um...right. What I meant was, can I borrow a couple of ships? I swear I'll bring them back.
*nothing happens*
Feanor: Uh...look over there!
*Teleri look away*
*Feanor gets in boats, about to leave*
Feanor: Suckers!
Teleri: Yeah, you know the boat's still tied up to the dock...right?
*Feanor tries to cut the ropes, sword breaks*
Feanor: I can make the simarils, but you'd think I could at least make a decent sword!
Teleri: Not really
Feanor: Shut up *whimpers*

[Lathriel]

At the Balck Gate

Troll is fighting with Aragorn and he tries to put his massive foot on Aragorn's stomach. Instead he squishes an orc, he tries again but squishes another orc. Five minutes later the trol finally realizes he is killing his own army and Aragorn has already dissapeared in the fray.

[The Perky Ent]

These are looking really good. Sam: Destory it Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: NO! (BUM BuM BUMMM)
Gollum: I'm telekenetic :D *bites off finger* Yay! I've got the ring! Now I think I'll hop around and see what I can fall in! *gollum falls and melts*
*ring still floats*
Sam: Um...why didn't it destory?
Frodo:What kinda ring is this?
Sauron: The one ring...TO RULE THEM ALL!!
Sam: I have a plan Mr. Frodo. We'll tie your dead finger to a rope, use it as a lure to go lava fishing. Then, when something eats it, we'll cut it open, and get the ring. Any questions? *looks around for Frodo* Frodo? Oh Frooooodo?
*Frodo is in the lava, melting while getting the ring*
Sam: Oh well, no Undying Lands for you. *Frodo melts* Sam leaves* *Ring just sits there*

[Lady Snickerdoodle]

Eek sorry for repeating earlier I kind of missed the previous one... :D to make up for it-
(at helm's deep)
Legolas: I'm coming Aragorn! *grabs shield and slides it towards stairs* *jumps onto shield* *shield stops under his weight and Legolas is sent flying down the steps*

'kay, not much dialogue but i find the mental image amusing... :smokin:

[The Only Real Estel]

__________________________
Frodo vs. Shelob
--------------------

As Frodo turns around, Shelob slams her stinger into his stomach.

Nothing happens. She tries again, with the same result.

Shelob: "Oh...this is anti-climactical"

Shelob hurries back to her lair to wonder just what in the world went wrong
__________________________

[The Perky Ent]

This thread is really looking good. I'm glad I made it :)

Faramir's old Captain partner: *dying on the ground in Osgiliath
Pink Orc: Gimme that spear. I wanna kill this guy
*tries to shove spear in Captain's stomach*
*nothing happens*
Pink Orc: D'oh! Common! Please work! *tries again*
*nothing happens*
Pink Orc: I need to get this spear sharpened *pink orc leaves*
*5 hours later*
Pink Orc: Finally!
Random Orc: Um...he's already dead. He died of blood loss. Sorry
Pink Orc: *whimper*

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

*nothing*

Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

*nothing*

Frodo (with an air of panic in his voice): Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

Sam (running in at the last moment): Frodo no! That's a lightbulb!

[Kransha]

I'm assuming Lurtz is the orc in the movie, yes? Well, nevermind. Time for the special Kranshanian Brand of Sil[maril]ly stuff, strait from the pages. Feel the stingy wroth of the Pre-Third Age Defective Weapons, twice as defective as before!

Of Epic Battles and Equally Epic Pitfalls

*Morgoth battles Fingolfin outside Angband*
Morgoth: Die, pitiful elf!
*bashes with Grond, Hammer of the Underworld, nothing happens*
Morgoth: Bloody orc manufacturing!
Fingolfin: Eh, my grandma made better maces!
Morgoth: Did even have a grandmother?
Fingolfin: Ummm...I'm not...sure...actually...


Of Elven Craftmanship and Gundabad

Great Goblin: I know that blade! It is Glamdring, the foe-hammer!
Gandalf: Indeed, foul Goblin! Now, feel the hammering!
*nothing happens*
Great Goblin: I've said it before, I'll say it again. Elves can't make swords.
Thorin: Here, Gandy, lemme try! *stabs Great Goblin; nothing*
Great Goblin: Go back to Lindon, ya sissy!


Of Watts and Checkout Counters

*the Valar are lighting the great lamps*
Manwe: LET THERE BE LIGHT!
*the Lamps of the Valar flicker, then go out*
Manwe: Aule! Why have the lamps gone out
Aule: Sale on used lightbulbs at Mandos-mart.
*in the distance, jingle can be heard*
Mandos: Shop smart! Shop at Mandos-mart!


Of Problematic Blades and a Dark Maiar

Beren: Meet thy doom, Morgoth the Dark!
*swipes Angrist at Morgoth's crown to no avail*
Morgoth: This is becoming very boring.
Beren: Shut up, I'm doing the best I can! *slashes continually*
Morgoth: Sure, sure, whatever *yawns*
Beren: Okay, I've almost got it! And...and...and...*still nothing*
Morgoth: Oh, give it up, already. *steps on Beren*


Of Wolves' Teeth and Handy-dandy Elven Stuffp

Carcharoth: *battling Beren* Aha! This might come in 'hand'y!
*stunned by the horrible pun, Beren can only stand and watch as Carcharoth leaps up and attempts to bite off his hand, but the wolf's teeth break*
Carcharoth: NOOO! Blast Melkorian primeval dentistry!
Beren: *stifling laughter* can I give you...a 'hand'?

[The Perky Ent]

True, but they can be the same topic if they have a different flair. The first two were exactly the same: frodo says light, no light, frodo says light, no light, shelob is happy. However, the third one goes: frodo says light, no light, frodo says light, no light, sam comes, it's a lightbulb There's a difference

[elronds_daughter]

yes, Kransha, Lurtz is the head of the Uruk-Hai. in the movies at least. so to have a legitimate reason for posting....
as saruman is calling down an avalanche...
*avalanche stops*
Saruman: huh? what happened??
*tries again*
*still nothing*
Saruman: *whimpers and jumps off orthanc because his magic won't work*

[The Perky Ent]

Actually, the pink orc (who I think you're talking about) isn't Lurtz. Lurtz is dead. I'm talking about the pink orc in RotK, who commands the orc army at Pelenor. Ring any bells? Remember the scene where the trebuchets hurl a piece of the city at him, he dodges it, then spits on it? Anyways, Saruman: Be wise Gandalf. Give in to the ring
Gandalf: Never
Saruman: You have elected the way of pain! *tries to do some "telekenetic blast" at Gandalf* *nothing happens*
Gandalf: Now let me try! *tries a "telekenetic blast* *nothing happens*
Saruman:So...uh...
Gandalf: Yeah, I guess there's only one thing to do
Gandalf and Saruman: ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!
Gandalf: 3...
Saruman:...2...
Gandalf and Saruman: ...1!
Gandalf: Ha, my staff is made of wood, which makes paper. Your staff is all marbley, which is rock. Paper Covers Rock! I win! In your face!
Saruman: How in the world does paper beat rock? It makes no sense whatsoever!
Gandalf: True.
Saruman: Oh well
Gandalf: Yay! Mmm, what's that I smell? I think it's...pipeweed! Get me some! I have more than one use for paper! :smokin:*snickers*





Morale (think I spelled it right): If in doubt, always follow your nose ;)

[Bombadil]

Ents storm Orthanc, break dam, not strong enough to withstand water, all get washed away.

That doesn't have to do with a weapon, but a mishap nonetheless. :D

Grima: I hate you!
*Throws palantir, hits somehting springy and bounces back up hits him in the face*
*the present members of the fellowship point and laugh.*

Bard: My black arrow has never failed me!
*Breaks in half as he pulls it from quiver*

or

Bard: My black arrow never fails to hit a target!
*thrush whispers in ear*
*Bard shoots arrow as thrush flies away, accidentally hits thrush.*
Bard: uhhh...oops?
*Turns around and walks away whistling*

*Isildur travelling with party of men*
*Orcs ambush them, Isildur puts on ring to disappear*
*As he swims away invisible, ring slips off finger*
*Orcs see Isildur, shoot him to his death*

Oh wait...that actually did happen ;)

[Saraphim]

Turin: I will not disgrace the waters of this river with my foul blood
*sets Gurthang in the rocks and goes to jump on it, instead lands overshoots and falls into the river*
Niniel: I will cast myself into the river! *trips and lands on Gurthang*
Gurthang: I need to get a new hobby. Ruining depressed people's lives just doesn't do it for me anymore
King of the Dead: The dead do not suffer the living to pass!
Aragorn: You will suffer me! *smacks Anduril down on the Dead King and cuts his head off* Uh...*looks around at all the other dead guys, who start closing in menacingly*
In contrast to what everyone else says, I promote copyright infringment!:D

*avoids random, airborne objects propelled at her*

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

'You can take yourself off, you horny old varmint.' said Giles, also hoping to escape battle. 'I only want to be shot of you. Go right away from here, and get back to your own dirty den!' He stepped towards Chrysophylax, waving his arms as if he was scaring crows.
That was quite enough for Tailbiter. It circled, flashing in the air and then returned to its sheath, where it remained stuck fast. Giles gave one mighty heave and was left holding the broken hilt, while Chrysophylax eyed him balefully.

The dragon ate the horse first, because it didn't need peeling.

******

Húrin: Aurë entulúva!
The head of his axe snaps off and falls on his foot, severing some of his toes. He falls over.
Gothmog: All right, lads: you can take your tea break now.

[The Perky Ent]

Orcs: Get those seige towers to the city!
*seige towers move* *seige towers stop 4 inches out of range*
Pink Orc: Stupid Hybrids... No offense to Hybrid cars. They seem really cool!

This next really isn't a weapon, but it's sharp enough to be used as one ;) Gandalf: Now come the days of the king. May they be blessed. *puts the crown on Aragorn's head* *misses and pointy part goes in his head*
Aragorn: Ow *passes out*
Gandalf: He's dead
Pippin: He's not dead! He's not dead!!
Gandalf: Ah, no one listens to you anyways!
Monty Python person: He's not dead. He's just...uh...pining for the fjords!
Gandalf:Uh...right. Arwen, you aren't pregnant yet, are you?
Arwen: No
Gandalf: Ok, this is a problem. Uh...Faramir, get over here!
*Faramir Kneels*
Gandalf: Now come the days of the Steward. May they be blessed.

No offense to Monty Python, as they are cool people. No offense to Pippin either.

[elronds_daughter]

good ones, Perky! how 'bout....
*Boromir is sitting on the ground with arrows stuck in him...*
Aragorn: *comes running up* Boromir! You'll die!
Boromir: No, i think i could come around.
Aragorn: No, no, you're going to die. you just stay there while i rout these orcs.
Boromir: I'm getting better! I could come with you!

just thought another spoof off of Monty Python would be appreciated by Monty Python fans...

cheers!

Elrond's (other) daughter

[The Perky Ent]

Good ole Monty Python! Shelob: You know, I'm glad your here! Most of the time, all I eat is orcs!
Gollum: And they doesn't tastes very nice, does they precious?
Frodo: Well, I really don't wanna be eaten.
Shelob: Common. It will be fun. Here! I'll show you!
*Shelob closes in on Frodo*
*Frodo pulls out the Phial of Galadriel*
Frodo: Ni! *light turns on* Ni!
Sam: Let me try! Nu! Nu! Nu-
Frodo: No, it's Ni
Sam: Nu!
Frodo: Ni
Sam: Ni
Frodo: Now you've got it!
*light flickers off*
Sam: What happened Mr. Frodo?
*Frodo gets "telepathically teleported to Galadriel*
Galadriel: We are no longer the elves who say Ni. We are now the elves who say Ekky Ekky Ekky z'bang zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm!
*Frodo comes back to reality*
Frodo:Ekky Ekky Ekky z'bang zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm!
*light comes back*
Shelob: No! The light has returned!
Sam: You've done it
Shelob: Nooo!
Frodo: Yes, it worked
Shelob: He said it again!
Frodo: Let's go. We must be rid of it!
*Shelob rolls around in pain*

Good times good times. BTW, the defective weapon was the phial.

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

Again, not really a weapon spoof, but still a Monty Python rip off...


Aragorn: Let the lord of the black land come forth!

*silence*

Aragorn: Let the lord of the black land come forth!!

*silence*

Morannon orc: Aaaand whaaaay should weee you stuuuuuupid gondorian pigdog with your little kannnniguts.

Aragorn: I'm the king of Gondor! Come forth and face me!

Morannon orc: Non, I faaaaart in your general direction, silly king type.

Aragorn: You will learn respect!

Morannon orc: Aaaaand whaaaat are you going to do, silly king?

Aragorn: I'll call down the wrath of my fathers upon you.

Morannon oec: Your mother is a hamster, and your father smelt of eeeeelderberries!

Aragorn: Right that's i-

Galadriel: GET ON WITH IT!

Host of the West: GET ON WITH IT!

Aragorn: Yes, yes, alright. Come down and fight me you silly or-

Sauron: GET OOOOON WITH IT!!

Aragorn: Fine!! Get down an-

Valar: GET ON WITH IT!!!!

[The Perky Ent]

Nice. Here's another Python: Aragorn: If you don't stop, I'll kill you!

Lurtz: The black night *cough* I mean Lurtz knees before no man!

Aragorn: Fine *cuts Lurtz's arm off* Now stand aside!

Lurtz: It's just a scratch

Aragorn: Why you! *Stabs Lurtz in the stomach*

Lurtz: I am invincible!

Aragorn: You're a loony! *cuts off Lurtz's head*

Lurtz: It's just a flesh wound!

Aragorn: Just a flesh wound! You've got no bloody head!

Lurtz: Yes I have!

Aragorn: Well, I'm going to go look for Merry and Pippin now. So, see ya!

*Aragorn leaves*

Lurtz: Come back here! I'll bite your nose off! You pansie!

[Audreidi]

Wonderful thread!

RANDOM SOLDIER: Halt! Who goes there?
ARAGORN: It is I, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, from the north. King of Men, defeater of Mordor, Sovereign of all Gondor!
RANDOM SOLDIER: Pull the other one!
ARAGORN: I am... and this is my trusty servant Pippin.
PIPPIN: Hullo.
ARAGORN: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Minas Tirith. I must speak with your lord and master.
RANDOM SOLDIER: What? Ridden on a horse?
ARAGORN: Yes!
RANDOM SOLDIER: You're using coconuts!
ARAGORN: What?
RANDOM SOLDIER: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARAGORN: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Rohan, through--
RANDOM SOLDIER: Where'd you get the coconuts?
ARAGORN: We found them.
RANDOM SOLDIER: Found them? In Rohan? The coconut's tropical!
ARAGORN: What do you mean?
RANDOM SOLDIER: Well, this is a temperate zone.
PIPPIN: D'oh!

[The Perky Ent]

Welcome to the Downs Audreidi! Awesome post! Gandalf: I am a servant of the Secret Fire, weilder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udún!
*Gandalf makes bubble shield thingie*
Balrog: Uh...
*shield flickers and dies off*
Balrog: He he he
Gandalf: Bugger off!
Balrog: K

[elronds_daughter]

HA!! good ones! here's one that wasn't in the movies for a change... (maybe it'll be in the EE...)
*at Isengard, as Gandalf confronts Saruman*
Gandalf: Saruman, your staff is broken!
*Saruman's staff does not break*
Gandalf: I said, your staff is BROKEN!!!
Saruman: Sucker!! i ordered an unbreakable staff from the Staffs 'R' Us catalogue, when you pretty much gave up that option when you said you wanted a white staff. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Evil triumphs once again!!!! oh, by the way, white is so not your color...
Gandalf: D'oh!...*mutters unintelligibly to himself as he bashes Saruman over the head and manages to break his own staff*

[Eowyn Skywalker]

How come I never found this thread before????? Sigh.... can't win 'im all... I guess...


Gandalf and the Dwarves have climbed to the top of the trees. The goblins prance around singing annoyingly, of course. (Read the Hobbit, peoples!!!)

Gandalf: *lights pinecones on fire* Ha ha. *throws at nearest Warg*

Goblin: We clothe our Wargs in fireproof vests! You have failed, Wizard. Loser!

*Warg lights on fire*

*Gandalf throws at Goblin*

Goblin: Oh crap.

Gandalf: Who's the loser now? Ha!


Okay, not very funny, but I wanted to watch this thread... sigh... the lack of inspiration... not very funny. Sigh.... Can't I just pull out some GARLIC? No, don't answer that, Audriedi. I know what YOU'D say... odd to find you here...

Perky, I loved the post, by the way. Very funny.

-Eowyn Skywalker

[Saraphim]

Why didn't I think of this before?

What really happened before the gates of Thangorodrim
Fingolfin: Morgoth Bauglir, come out of your foul abode and fight me in single combat!
Morgoth: *walks out, weilding Grond and looking all menacing and huge*
Fingolfin: *unsheathes Ringil*
*Fighting ensues, yadda yadda*
Morgoth: *goes to slam down Grond, and it gets stuck in the ground*
Fingolfin: Ha! Now you die! *stabs Ringil, which breaks on Morgoth's armor* Er...
Morgoth: I'm about fifty meters to your two. Let's see what happens when we play 'step on the Elven-King' I love Fingolfin, but there's just so much room for parody in that scene.:smokin:

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

Morgoth: I'm about fifty meters to your two. Let's see what happens when we play 'step on the Elven-King'

Priceless...that had me laughing for ages...

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

A defective weapon, but defective because its TOO SHARP!

Eowyn: Take the reigns! Left! Left! Right! Through its legs! YAAAH!

*slices at mumak's lefg, sword cuts clean through it*

Merry: Crap...

*mumak collapses on Merry and Eowyn*

[The Barrow-Wight]

So many of these are based on the movie that I am considering moving it to THE MOVIES. Seriously, remember the books? Let's try using them for our reference.

[The Perky Ent]

Sorry. We'll stick to the book, unless everyone desides that in should be about the movies, in which case, maybe it should be moved.

[The Barrow-Wight]

No, this is definitely a MIRTH topic (though the mirth is often difficult to find in it), so we'd do best to keep to the books. They are superior, after all :)

[Lindril Arvilya]

One Book and one Movie.

"Gandalf in the meantime was still standing outside the door, and laughing long but quietly. After a while he stepped up, and with the spike on his staff sawed the hobbit's beatuiful green front-door in two. Bilbo ran out to check on the noise and promptly fainted. "Er... sorry..." said the wizard."

The four hobbits are running away from the Ringwraith, vault the fence, down the slope, onto the raft, which sinks beneath their weight. The Wraith saunters up as the hobbits try to escape the muddy-bottomed Brandywine.


Lindril ("Now what have we here?") Arvilya

[The Saucepan Man]

Bilbo: "I will give you a name, and I shall call you Sting."

Sting: "Actually, my name's Tarquin and I'm a pacifist."

[Audreidi]

Jandalf: ...PUT AWAY THE GARLIC, PADAWAN!!! I had no idea that would continue over here...

Auddie: Erk...sorry about that, folks.

At that sound the bent shape of the king sprang suddenly erect. Tall and proud he seemed again; and rising in his his stirrups he cried in a loud voice, more clear than any there had ever heard a mortal man achieve before:

Arise, arise, Riders of Théoden!
Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter!
Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered,
A sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises!
Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!

With that he seized a great horn from Guthláf his banner-bearer, and he blew such a blast upon it that it burst asunder. And straightaway all the horns in the host were lifted up in music, and the blowing of the horns of Rohan in that hour was like a storm upon the plain and a thunder in the mountains.

Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!

Unfortunately for the company, the Narrator had become tired of such incredibly-won victories that would await their arrival, and let the sound-waves of the horns and voices continue to thunder around the nearby mountain range that had popped up at random.

"AVALANCHE!!" screamed some poor soldier before the rocks came up.

The king turned around... "D'OH!!!!"

[Eowyn Skywalker]

*grins evily* It did, master, oh yesssss... You MUST read the Barrow-downs birthday party RPG... in Elvenhome... just to see how much it REALLY continued here... giggle. AND I AM NOT PUTTING THE GARLIC AWAY!!!! :rolleyes:



Gandalf: Dawn take you all, and be stone to you!

*sun comes up*

Troll: Ha ha!!! You see... the moonlight shows us...

Gandalf: Well... that's odd... why didn't it work... Ummm.... erk... RUN!

Troll: So... shall we have stuffed wizard tonight, Bill?

Gandalf: Crap.


Well, it IS from a book...

-Eowyn Skywalker

[The Perky Ent]

Garlic? Are you suggesting something? No, that's a fixed mirror. It's not suppost to show my reflection. :D just kidding. Sounds funny. I should have posted in that party! Alas. Anyways Mouth of Sauron: ...I have tokens that I was bidden to show to thee-to thee in especial, if thou shouldst dare to come
*throws down Sam's sword*
Gandalf: Silence!
*throws down grey cloak with elven broach*
Mouth of Sauron: Here's the terms: You get the hobbit
Gandalf: So far so good
Mouth of Sauron: Furthermore, Sauron get's everything east of the Anduin. Henseforth, you will no longer be allowed to kick our butts! Also, Isengard and the Gap of Rohan will be tribute to Sauron. They will be given to a more competent person!
Gandalf: Possibly someone like you?
Mouth of Sauron: Well, I don't mean to brag but-
Gandalf: We will not accept!
*drops mithril vest*
Gandalf: What I meant was, we will not accept refusing your offer. It's a deal.
*As Gandalf and Mouth of Sauron go to shake hands, mithril breaks*
Gandalf: What a minute! This isn't Frodo's mithril vest!
*looks at chains*
Gandalf: Made in Rhûn!?! They only make the cheep stuff! We refuse your offer!

~*~*~*~*~*~

*later that day in Barad-Dûr*
Sauron: So, he didn't accept?
Mouth of Sauron: No master. I think the orcs are right. Maybe we should stop getting stuff from Ebay®
Sauron: Nonsense! Get me my laptop!

Copyright © 1995-2004eBay Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Designated trademarks and brands are the property of
their respective owners.

:D

[Audreidi]

"Oathbreakers, why have ye come?"

And a voice was heard out of the night that answered him, as if from far away: "To fulfil our oath and have peace."

Then Aragorn said: "The hour is come at last. Now I go to Pelargir upon Anduin, and ye shall come after me. And when all this land is clean of the servants of Sauron, I will hold the oath fulfilled, and ye shall have peace and depart for ever. For I am Elessar, Isildur's heir of Gondor."

There was a lengthy pause, followed by the distinct sound of someone blowing their tongue, as if from far away, and the voice responded: "You killed my auntie."

Aragorn was taken aback. "Well, I'm sorry about that--"

"You killed the bride's father!"

Another voice rang out. "But isn't he already dead?"

"SILENCE, YOU!!!"

"D'oh."

Padawan...no more garlic...
It's an inside joke, m'dear Ent the Perky.

[The Perky Ent]

I know it's a inside joke! I just like doing things like that Sam: Destory the ring!
Frodo: Mmm, don't think so! *puts ring on*
Smeagol: Attention shoppers, there's a 5 doller discount on Hobbit Fingers!
Gollum: Mmm, forbidden finger
*bits frodo's finger and takes the ring*
Gollum: La la la la la, *looks at sign* Do not jump over edge? Yeah, like that's gonna happen....
*falls off*
*ring doesn't melt*
Frodo: Why isn't it melting?
Sam: I don't know!
Elrond: Oh, sorry! I didn't have my glasses on when I was at the council. It can only be destroyed at Mt. Foon! It's in chinatown!
Frodo: Where is Chinatown?
Elrond: In China
Frodo: Oh! Right! Off course! How silly of me!
Sam: Where's China Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: I have no idea, but it isn't hear
Elrond: Actually, Sauron became so partial to take-out, he-
*stops talking*
*Frodo and Sam are pigging out*
Gandalf in aggrivated tone: Hobbits!

[Eowyn Skywalker]

Actually, it's not that inside, Perky... there's a fic on fanfiction.net called Paint Wars that will fill you in quite nicely. And no, it has nothing to do with vampires either...

"You have no color now!" declaimed Gandalf, as he cast Saruman from the Order.

"Ah..." But Saruman stood up, and cast off his multi-colored robes. "Mr. Gandalf, when you cast me from the order, you left out one thing..." He stood up, and the morning sun glistened over his red robes. "When the Ents came here to kill me, and MY tower, they almost suceeded. I am Saruman the RED now, and you have no power over me!" He laughed crazily, until an orb of black glass came flying from the top most window of the tower. Saruman fell over, dead.

Gandalf shook his head, and proceeded to crack Saruman's red staff. "Never underestimate the powers of the Palantir," he announced, looking over at Pippin, who was looking into the Stone. "PIPPIN! NO!"

***to be continued in thearers next fall***
-Eowyn Skywalker

[Arwen Evenstar]

Legolas climbs up Mumak and trys to cut the thing holding the other thing on its back. His sword breaks. Poo-gas! Now I`m going to be stuck hanging here all day! :)

[The Perky Ent]

Here's a good one! Elessar: Yé! utúvienyes! I have found it! Now we can have a new white tree!
*yanks off flower*
*flower falls*
Elessar, nervously: Someone might have cought it
Gandalf: How do we know it survived?
Elessar: What does your heart tell you
*silence*
Gandalf: Right! Well, I gotta make some phone calls!
*pulls out cell phone*
Gandalf: Hello, Niënna? Is this a bad time. By the way, did I mention what a great teacher you are. Anyways, we've got the desendant of Telperion here. And, It's kinda dead. So, is it too much trouble if you come over here and use your powers to bring forth a seed? This way, we keep the line flowing.
*silence*
Gandalf: Look, I know your busy, but can't you make an exception? No?!? Put Mandos on the phone
*Mandos gets on the phone*
Gandalf: Hi Mados! Remember me? Zirag-zigil? Balrog? Ringing any bells? Anyways, oh by the way, thank you for sending me back to life. I'd send you a greating card, but they don't make it for the occation. Anyways, can you tell your sister to come over here and help me out? No? Common? It's the heir of Elendil were talking about. He goes way back! Desendant of Luthien he is. Remember her?
*in-audible sound*
Gandalf: Thanks a lot!
*hangs up*
Gandalf: Do you really need another white tree?
Elessar: For a happy ending...
Gandalf: Well, Saruman has polluted the Shire. It isn't happy. Deal.
Elessar: Fine! I have nothing left to live for!
*Elessar jumps from Mindolluin*
*Gandalf comes down back to the city*
Gandalf: The flower survived?
*suddenly, Elessar comes and crushes the flower*
Gandalf: I'm getting too old for this.

[Orcrist]

Here's a good one...

The Watcher grabs Frodo and Aragorn and Boromir come to the rescue. They hack at the Watcher but nothing happens. THe Watcher then eats Frodo and proceeds to devour the rest of the Fellowship.

Or...

Aragorn hacks at the Watcher and it drops Frodo. Boromir drops him and panic ensues. Nobody can find Frodo. THey head into the Mines leaving Frodo behind. It isn't until Gandalf falls that they realize there is no point to continue because the Ring is lost. So much for that.

THis is a great thread.

[The Perky Ent]

Good One! Nazgûl: Give us the ring Frodo!
Frodo: No!
Nazgûl: Why don't you put it on! It's just your size!
Frodo: No! Wait, I mean yes!
*puts ring on*
*parallel universe*
Witch King: Stabby Stabby!
*stabs Frodo*
Frodo: Ouch! Why didn't I see that commin.
Aragorn: Here Frodo, I'll save you!
*moves to strike Nazgûl with fire*
*fire goes out*
*Aragorn dies*
*hobbits die*
*Frodo becomes the 10th Nazgûl*

[Bombadil]

Not to go off topic here, but has anyone ever thought of if Frodo would have become the 10th Nazgul? You'd have 9 tall scary hooded creatures, and a little hobbit one! But so as not to take this awesome thread off topic I'll just have to make one:

Wouldn't it just be funny if the Ice cracked beneath Ungoliant and Melkor?

or

*Fëanor: We need your ships!
*Teleri: Hell no!
*Fëanor: Then we shall take them by force!
(The Teleri kill all but Fëanor, and he starts riding off in a ship)
*Fëanor: Suckers!
(Fëanor realizes he's screwed halfway to ME alone.)



hmmm...those are pretty weak, sorry! I just don't want this to go off topic at all haha.

[elfwishes999]

ok so everyone knows in RotK when gimli says "there's plenty for the both of us, let the best dwarf win" (it when gimli, legolas, and aragorn get to pelenor)

Gimli: *killing orcs with axe* 17...18...19...20....

Legolas: *killing orcs with bow* 23....24....25...26...

Gimli: 23 *axe brakes* Dam! I payed $250.00 for this peice of crap and it breaks! hey, legolas, the contests off!! you win!!

(its not very funny, but the mental image kinda is)

_____________________
That still only counts as 1!!

[Lady Snickerdoodle]

okay, okay i got one...

Orcs at Helms Deep: HEAVE!!! *pull Grond back all the way and then release* *Grond slams into gates most satisfyingly* AGAIN!!! *orcs pull grond back again*
Grond: Ouch nooo! that HURTS! meanyheads! *eats an orc or two and then runs off in search of a bandaid*
*orcs stand around scratching heads lost as for what to do now*
MEANWHILE, bracing the gates:

captain: hold your positions men! in fact, lean harder!

As all the soldiers throw their weight against the gates, one of them accidentally presses the garage door openy thingy, which causes the gates to suddenly fling outward, knocking the orcs off the rampart and sending the soldiers flying out after them. In the end, Helms Deep is actually safe anyway because there is such a huge pile up of unconcious people that the rest of the army can't get in.

does anyone want to petition to bring back the evil smiley? *evil smiley* :D

[Saraphim]

*Gandalf and Pippin ride up the hill on Shadowfax, giving Pippin his first look at Minas Tirith.*

Gandalf: Behold, the city of Kings!
Pippin: It's only a model
Gandalf: SHHHH!

~~~~
Alright, so the city isn't exactly a weapon in the true sense of the word, but I was watching Monty Python and had to drop that in.

[The Perky Ent]

lol good ones, and yes, if grond can show up at helms deep... Varda: Look at me! I just made these stars in the shape of a sicle! Awesome!
*sickle falls as if on a hing and chops Varda's head off*
Varda: Hey Manwe! Long time no see!

[elronds_daughter]

Good ones!

*Gandalf takes the Ring out of Frodo's fire with the tongs*
Gandalf: take it! it's quite cool. *drops Ring in Frodo's outstretched hand*
Frodo: OW!! HOT!!! DANG YOU GANDALF!!! YOU SAID IT WASN'T!!!!!
Gandalf: umm... whups. maybe it's a fake.
Frodo: *drops ring on floor* Ya think you could've figured that out sooner??

[The Perky Ent]

Good one! I'd like to see that happen to Frodo ;) Anyways, Gimli: Well what are we waiting for? YA!
*swings ax at the ring in the council of elrond*
*ring breaks*
Elrond: Meeting Agurned

[Eowyn Skywalker]

Oh, very nice... I wanna see THAT one!


Galadriel: Will you look into the mirror?

Frodo: What will I see?

Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things... *yada yada yada*

Frodo: *stares in* Big... red.... flaming... eye... pulling... me... into... water...

Galadriel: Do NOT touch the water...

Frodo: *touches water* *KAVAAM™*

Galadriel: Crap.

Frodo: *tinny voice* I feel... cold.

**BOOM**

Galadriel: And thus ends the Ring bearer...
Yeah, pathetic.

-Eowyn Skywalker

[The Perky Ent]

No, it was good...except for the Kavaam. It's Kaboom! But I'm sure that's a typo! Gimli:
The Walls of Moria!

Gandalf:
Ithildin!* It mirrors only starlight and moonlight...

*The moon breaks through the clouds and shines on
the Doors, causing their outlines and writing to glow*

It reads:* The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria.
Speak, Friend, and enter.
*
Merry:
What do you suppose that means?
*
Gandalf:
It's quite simple.* If you are a friend, you
speak the password and the doors will open. Annon Edhellen, edro hi ammen! *nothing happens*
*gandalf putts staf against door*
Ando Eldarinwa a lasta quettanya, Fenda Casarinwa!
*Gandalf's staff breaks on the door*
D'oh!

[elronds_daughter]

looks like our imaginations are running wild! not that that's a bad thing. and, yes, I know this one has been done before, but this time it's got a new twist...
(in moria)
Gandalf: let's have a little light. *holds up staff. light comes on, then abruptly goes out* rats!
Aragorn: let's hope they don't have a cave troll.
Boromir: they do.
Gandalf: *bangs staff with his hand. light comes back on* there! got it!
*a cave troll suddenly appears*
Gandalf: Fly, you fools!

[Audreidi]

Heh...nooooo, Perky, "kavamm" is the exclusive property of my twin sister Jandalf, who is Eowyn Skywalker's Master in Jediland.

Here's some defective enemy for you:
The Fellowship comes up to the entrance into Moria...except they are somewhat delayed at the sight of a buffet table set up close to the doors.

GOLLUM: (checks meat) Calamari, anyone?

ARAGORN: What the...you fried the Watcher.

SAM: Hey, Mr. Frodo, we've got a Japanese culinary professional on our hands.

HOBBITS: FOOD!!!

[Eowyn Skywalker]

C'mon, Auddie, admit it, Jandalf was the one typing there... and yeah, Perky, "Kavamm™" was not a typo... because it is the property of my master, I have rights to use it every now and again... it was kavamm. Oh yeah... ™ there.

FotR


Narrator: ...it was at this moment when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword.

Isildur: Naaaagggggg...

Sauron: *blows up*

Ring: *self destructs*

Isildur: Oooo... shiny gold dust...

Galadriel: ...how come my ring doesn't have that feature? Ahh... oh... the end! Whoa... that sped things up...


Heh heh...

-Eowyn Skywalker

[The Saucepan Man]

The Great Goblin: *As he places Gandalf's head on a stake at the end of a row of stakes bearing the heads of thirteen Dwarves and one Hobbit* Now, what was the name of that blue glowing sword again?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

But when the wolf came for Beren, Felagund picked the lock on his handcuffs and slapped the werewolf with all his might, and the wolf fell as if struck by the power of Felagund - which he was.
"Kill him! Bite him!" said Beren.
"Braces," said Finrod.
"Then claw him!" said Beren.
"New manicure. Sorry," said Felagund.
"Great," said Beren, as the wolf awakened...

...

"...and they built me a cave, like some cool castle, and the Dwarves - those short bearded things - called my Felagund! Ain't that cool?" said Finrod.
"That's nice, dear," said Finarfin; and an unkempt man, bound in a white straitjacket, flanked by two orderlies, passed them by, saying: "I'll get, you, you...you..."
"Do you know that one?" said Finarfin.
"Nope," said Finrod, and they walked beneath the trees in Eldamar.

I found this manuscript in some cave near Namibia, written in Rumilian script. Took me a year to translate.

[The Perky Ent]

Here's some: Boromir: The blade that cut the ring *pricks his finger* It's still sharp! Oh wait, that happened. How about, Gimli: Well what are we waiting for? YA! *slams ax at the one ring * *ax breaks* *ring doesn't* Wait, that happened too! Hmm...how about Galadriel: Will you look into the mirror?
Frodo: What will I see?
Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell. Things that were, things that are, and some things...that have not yet come to pass
*frodo looks in and sees stuff*
*eye on sauron appears and ring sinks into the water*
*frodo pulls the chain back, but the ring is gone*
Frodo: Oops

[Nirvana II]

Witch King: Screech!

Frodo:Uh......

Witch King: *stabs Frodo*

*the Morgul Blade turns to dust before it hits Frodo's shoulder*

Frodo: Ha!

*Witch King steals the Ring and runs, trips, and falls down Amon Sul*

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Faramir Solo gave me this manuscript...

Do you, by any chance, know him, Eowyn Skywalker?

Fingolfin bowed before Finwë, and without a word or glance to Fëanor he went from the chamber. But Fëanor followed him, and at the door of the king's house he stayed him; and the point of his bright sword he set against Fingolfin's breast.
"See, half-brother!" he said. "This is sharper than thy tongue. Try bu once more to usurp..."
"It's a plastic lightsaber," said Fingolfin.
"No. It's sharper than thy tongue," said Fëanor.
"Whatever, dude," said Fingolfin, and passing through the throng he went to tell his brother Finarfin of their half-brother's antics.

[The Perky Ent]

Here's another Eowyn would like Celeborn: Tonight, you will stay with us-
Galadriel in a telepathic voice: Welcome Frodo Baggins. I can sense the force is strong in you. *Frodo looks in mirror*
Sauron: Come to the dark side Frodo
*rings gets closer and closer*
Frodo: Never
*frodo pulls ring back*
*instead of sauron, Bilbo comes out*
Bilbo: Luke, erm, I mean Frodo. Resistance is useless.
Frodo: You killed my uncle!
Bilbo: No Frodo...I AM YOUR UNCLE!
Frodo: Nooooooo!
*gollum comes and bites off Frodo's finger*
Bilbo: don't worry about it! You'll get a robotic one!
Frodo: Before Gamgreen sets in...right?
Bilbo: The future is clouded.
Frodo: You joking right....
*silence*
Frodo: ...right?

[Nirvana II]

*Saruman is in battle with Gandalf in Orthanc*

Saruman:But you instead have elected the choice of...PAIN!!!

*Saruman swings his staff at Gandalf, nothing happens*

*Gandalf kills Saruman*

[Eowyn Skywalker]

Faramir Solo, ehh? He happens to be my father, actually... the only reason I'm a Skywalker is because I married Anakin... heh. Bet ya'll didn't know that little fact.

And why exactly, Perky, are you so sure that just because it's Star Warsy, I'll like it? Ahh well... you were right anyhow... snrk. I DID like it.

Bilbo Baggins pattered through the dark cave, no light there to guide his way, when suddenly a mechanical hiss came from the side. He turned, pulling out Sting as he went, and holding it in front of him, the glow from it's blade lighting the cave.

There was one before him, a slithery, slimely like creature who also drew a blade. In the dark shadows they dueled, until at last, (coughDarthcough) Gollum drove Bilbo back towards a glowy evil looking pit. Bilbo fell back into it, and looked around nervously.

"It wasss too eassssy, yessss it wassss, preciousssss," Gollum hissed, as he turned on a random switch, and steam filled the pit. Bilbo jumped, grapping onto a protruding boulder on the roof. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" he asked, grabbing for Sting as he dropped.

"Not fair, no," Gollum hissed. "We don't want to answer any more of your stupid, filthy, tricksy questionssss... we are your father, yessss we are, precioussss..."

He dove at Bilbo, and proceeded to kill him. "We has our precioussss back!" he screeched happily.

And then a goblin came, shot Gollum, and took the Ring, changing the course of Middle-earthian history forever!
I'm so mean... heh heh heh... oh well, you guys do Star Wars, I'll come right back at you with it!

-Eowyn Skywalker

EDIT: Ooooo... 300 posts! Go me! *uses the Force*

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Túrin drew forth his sword, and said: "Hail, Gurthang, iron of death, thou alone now remainest! But what lord or loyatly dost thou now, save the hand that wieldeth thee? From no blood wilt thou shrink! Wilt thou take Túrin Turambar? Wilt thou slay me quickly?"
And from the blade rang a cold voice in answer: "Yea, I will drink thy blood, that I may forget the blood of Beleg my master, and the blood of Brandir slain unjustly. I will slay thee swiftly."
Then Túrin set the hilts upon the ground, and cast himself upon the point of Gurthang. And the black blade . . . was broken asunder?
Túrin looked askance upon his blade, and Gurthang on the throes of death, said: "Doesn't anyone read manuals now? To commit suicide, you must take off your armour!"
And so passed the most talkative of all swords--canonical swords, I should say. Túrin buried Gurthang, and turned to Doriath, saying: "Hey. Maybe Nellas' still alive."

Wait, who was supposed to be the weapon there?

[The Perky Ent]

:D Nice. Anyways, Boromir: Merry! Pippin! I'll save you! *Boromir jumps in front of orcs and starts killing them*
Lurtz: No you aint! *fires arrow at Boromir* *arrow hits Boromir and breaks* Huh?
Boromir: Ha ha!
Lurtz: Well, maybe that arrow was faulty! *fires again* *arow breaks*
Boromir: This is getting amusing!
Lurtz: Alright! This one will do it! *fires arrow* *arrow breaks*
Boromir: Silly Lurtz! Haven't you heard? 5 minute rock hard Abs really does work!

And BTW, I haven't tried, but don't listen to me, because I'm pretty sure five minutes abs really doesn't work ;)

[The Perky Ent]

Bilbo: My old sword, Sting! Take it! Take it! It glows blue when orcs are near, and it's times like this, my lad, when you'll need it most!

*later in Moria*
Pippin: Whoops!
*drums in the deep*
Gandalf: Get ready! Orcs are comming!
Frodo: No they're not. If they were, my sword would be glowing! There's nothing to worry about!
Gandalf: Well...if you insist...
*orcs and cave troll charge into the chamber*
Gandalf: Frodo?
Frodo: Whoops! I forgot to put new bateries in this!

[elronds_daughter]

was that 'battery' thing a plug for Energizer or Duracell, Perky?;) anyway...
*Frodo wakes up and finds himself in Rivendell*
Frodo: Where am I? And what is the time?
Gandalf: oh, stop addressing the ceiling. i'm over here.
Frodo: Gandalf! Where have you been?
Gandalf: Uh... Never mind.
Frodo: Aww.... Pleeeeeeeze tell me, Gandalf!
Gandalf: oh, fine.
*Gandalf launches into a lengthy description of his 'adventure' at Isenguard, and Frodo subsequently falls asleep.*
ok, so it's not really a weapon. but it proves that Gandalf is losing some of his story-telling ability.

[The Perky Ent]

...yeah...that really isn't a defective weapon. Now if it was someone like Wormtongue doing something like that, that'd fit. But, anyways Ents: Die Isengard!
*ents throw stones that crush orcs*
Ent: Break the Dam!
*ents break dam and flood Isengard*

Woops! That's another one that actually happens. Poor bridge!

[Morsul the Dark]

Saruman goesd outside to rouse his orc army he starts yelling all of a sudden he relizes he has larengitus and in their very shorttermed memory the uruk-hai scatter and are never seen again

[Nimrothiel]

*Gandalf is cornered in Orthanc by Saruman, but suddenly his staff begins to hum and pulse with a vibrant green color. *

Saruman: "What the..."

Gandalf: "You'd be amazed what you can find on E-bay these days."

*Gandalf executes some moves that would put even Episode II Yoda to shame, and slices Saruman's staff into three pieces and the bottom half of his robe off; revealing heart-patterned boxers and blue-veined legs*

Saruman: "Well, ****e on me."

*Gandalf then forces Saruman to parade around Orthanc in his boxers whilst singing "They're Coming to Take Me Away;" needless to say, his followers desert him after a round of laughter. Thus much of the Fellowship's trouble is reduced, and Frodo makes it to Mount Doom in record time.*

[The Perky Ent]

Wow. There's an Orthanc vibe going around. *smaug is terrorizing everywhere around Erebor. Then while breathing fire, he stops and startes choking*
Smaug: Cough! Hack! Wheeze! Stupid Heartfreeze!

[ninlaith]

It may not be that funny but here goes...

Frodo is in Shelob's lair with the Phial of Galadriel. The Phial shines a moment then goes out. He pounds it on his leg...it flickers...nothing. Then he stops...thinks....This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine....This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine..let it shine...let it shine....let it shine. Shelob dies from terror from his terrible singing.

eehh I tried :confused:

[Morsul the Dark]

Actually I like that alot ninlaith I can Imagine Frodo singing hehe

Sam is smacking people around in moria with his pan the bottom breaks out..."What My pan is broken now I cant make taters!" Kills everyone including Balrog

[The Perky Ent]

How about this: Gandalf: A palantir is a dangerous tool, Saruman! You don't know who else is watching!

Saruman: Oh shut it! Palantir, Palantir, on the stone. Sauron or me, who is bad to the bone?

Sauron: Um...Saruman? You do realize I can see you right?

Saruman: It said Saruman! It said Saruman!

[The Perky Ent]

lol I just thought of something (other than "I'm hungry" or "Futumara rules") (Merry and Pippin throw stones in the water)
Aragorn: Do not temp the water!
(Merry throws another stone)
(the stone floats on the water)
Pippin: Will you look at that!
Aragorn: Well, since it's not sinking, I guess you can throw stones!
(Gandalf tries passwords that don't work)
(Gandalf pressed his shoulder against the door to budge it, and the door breaks)
Gandalf: Um...yes! That was the effect of the password!
(The watcher tries to break down the entrance, but there's nothing to break)
Johnny Depp: That's interesting
Legolas: Johnny, wrong movie.

If your going to say, that's interesting, it has to be said by Johnny Deep.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

"Shall we shoot?" said Faramir, turning quickly to Frodo.
"Uh, yeah. Sure. Whatever," said Frodo, the evening's wine affecting his mind.
Faramir shrugged, then reached into his pocket. He came up with a radio. "Anborn. Weapons free. Say again, weapons are free. Prosecute to kill."
"Roger." An arrow whistled towards the unsuspecting Gollum, yet it misses him, hitting a fish instead.
"Oh, look, precious. Fisssh on ssstick," said Gollum.
Faramir spoke into the radio. "Reload and fire. Now, now, NOW!"
A rain of steel descended upon Gollum, yet none found its mark. Hundreds of fish float to the surface, their bodies punctured by the arrows.
"More fisssh on stick, preciousss," said Gollum gleefully.
An awkward silence followed. Finally, Frodo spoke up. "I know later you'll say something that goes like this: 'Only to come here and look on the pool bears the penalty of death.' I just did not know it would be death from over-eating."
"Or laughter," Sam piped in.
Faramir was enraged at the blasphemous - but true - comment, and he pushed the hobbits over the brink of the cliff. Yet the knives of stone broke at the landing of the two hobbits, and Faramir said:
"Even the rocks don't work? Darn! I really need a new hideout!"
This came from my head.

[Elven Hunter]

Not exactly a weapon

(Saruman speaking to the Palantir..)
Saruman: Lord Sau-
(Sauron interrupts..)
Sauron: Sorry, I'm not at home right now, if you have anything to say please leave a message after the beep.. toooooooooooooot..
(Saruman covers the Palantir..)
Saruman: Oh darn. Next time I'll ask for his cell number.


here's another one

(Frodo with others in the mines of Moria.. their torch burns out.. Orcs closing in.. Frodo's sword glows..)
Frodo: It's pretty dark in here. Good thing I have this sword.
(sword flickers and its light goes out)
Frodo: Aww men.. Gandalf, do you have spare batteries?
Gandalf: Sori pal, I'm using it for my staff.

[Witch-King]

*Sarumon gazes into his Palantir, but sees nothing.*

"What in Middle-Earth?"

*He shakes it, and slowly the blackness lifts to reveal...a holiday snowglobe!*

"Down to the depths with you!!!"

*Tosses snowglobe out the window.*

*Witch-King appears*

WK: "You reject Sauron's gift??!!! Then you shall die!"

*Attacks Sarumon, who severs the Witch-King's arm with his staff through a spell*

Sarumon: "There, now leave me be."

WK: "Tis but a scratch, sir."

Sarumon: "A scratch?! Your arm's off!"

WK: "No it isn't!"

Sarumon pointing to severed arm: "Well what do you call that then?"

WK: "I've had worse."

Sarumon: "You lie!"

WK: "Comeon you pansy!"

*Sarumon severs WK's other arm*

Sarumon: "There, now leave me be..."

*WK kicks Sarumon*

WK: "Come on then!"

Sarumon: "Look you bloody bastard you've got no arms left!"

WK: "Yes I have."

Sarumon: "LOOK!"

WK: "Just a flesh wound."

Sarumon: "Look I'll have your leg. Right!"

*Sarumon cuts off one of WK's legs*

WK: "I'll do you for that!"

Sarumon: "You'll what?"

WK: "Come here!"

Sarumon: "What are you gonna do, bleed on me?"

WK: "The Witch-King always triumphs! Have at you! I'm invincible!!"

Sarumon: "You're a looney!"

*Sarumon cuts off WK's other leg. He is now just a torso.*

WK: "Alright, we'll call it a draw."

*Sarumon heads for the stairs*

WK: "Oh I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and fight me! I'll bite your legs off!"


Monty Python rules!

[The Perky Ent]

Yes, Monty Python Rules!

Beren: Yes! I got the simaril! Now I can marry Luthien!
Carcharoth: Not if I can help it!
(tries to bite Beren's hand, but breaks death on Beren's hand)
Carcharoth: My teeth!
Beren: I knew that Boflex would pay off!

[Mithalwen]

Sorry this is a film one....but since it didn't happen in the book.... wouldn't you just have loved it if Arwen's hand had slipped when she did that "what's this a ranger of the north caught of his guard" thinf... oh %^&*% ...... Aragorn darling ..are you alright?"

Eriador Evening Post

Arwen, daughter of Lord Elrond of Imladris was being questioned last night in connection with the death of her Fiance, Aragorn, Chieftain of the Dunedain and Isildur's heir. Miss Undomiel claims that Mr Telcontar , who was found with his throat slit died as result of a joke that went horribly wrong. The authorities are reopening the investigation into the death of Mr Telcontar's father who was killed in the company of Miss Undomiel's brothers many years ago. .....

[The Perky Ent]

:D Good one :D Reminds me of the Last Ride...

[Saraphim]

Ha! Yes. I can see it now...

*In Carn Dum*
Arathorn: Alright...now. You elves go up to the tower, and I'll take the other Dunadain down to the dungeons.
*men leave*

Elrohir: Ugh, Men! Go up here, do this, do that!
Elladan: It just never ends. It's not like we knew his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather or anything.
Elrohir: Well, it he wants us in the tower, let's go!

*elves aproach a balcony and see men below Elrohir "slips" and sends a large rock down onto Arathorn's head. In his concussed state, he can't dodge the arrow that hits him in the eye, killing him* I've got a sick sense of humor sometimes...

[The Perky Ent]

When elves go bad...

[Mithalwen]

..A sick sense of humour can be a positive thing... :D and while they are perhaps the cutest of all cute elf boys ( I tend to assume the mortal blood might make them slightly hunkier and less androgenous looking) I can't help thinking that there is something a little sinster about them ........ I mean they should have got over that dressing alike thing a few millenia ago and however devoted they were to their mother perhaps they sould have other hobbies apart from killing orcs ..... ? I just think of the Krays..... then I thought I read somewhere that Arathorn's pa also died when out with them ....... but maybe that was a mistake.... and why isn't Elrond at all bothered that they want to stay in Middle Earth? May be he was nervous .... no scope for realms of their own ...... maybe he feared an accident..!!!!!

[The Perky Ent]

Morgoth: Where is that spider?
Ungoliant: *sucks light*
Morgoth: Uh...Ungoliant? I got a job for you. I'm gonna give you the feast of a lifetime! Just help me!
Ungoliant: Light? I'm there!
Morgoth: Ok, well, you can start by making a lader up the mountain
Ungoliant: K *makes web lader*
*While Melkor is climbing, the ladder brakes*
Morgoth: Ok...I'm gonna let that one slide! Let's just get to those trees!
Ungoliant: Yes! Light! *tries to poison the tree, but breaks fangs*
Morgoth: Um...on second though, maybe I'll just try to corrupt Feanor to do it!

[Orcrist]

Paths of the Dead:

King of the Dead swings his sword. Aragorn goes to block but Anduril breaks.
KD-"The Blade that was Broken has been broken anew."
KD then kills Aragorn and Co. and Sauron proceeds to take over Middle-earth.

[Gil-Galad]

Ambush at Weathertop:


WK: i stab you with my blade *breaks* umm...tickle tickle tickle!

Frodo: no not the dreaded tickles of Mordor!

WK: umm sure why not...

*aragorn jumps in with fire, but slips and Torch falls on him, thus setting himself on fire and starts running around on fire*

Hobbits: our hero...

*nazgul standing around pointing and laughing at aragorn*

[rutslegolas]

LOL

that was really funny

have you guys ever played mortal combat 4. scorpions fire breathing fatality,and aragorn burned and dancing around ,thats what it sounds like. :D

[Gil-Galad]

Thanks ruts, i just stumbled on this thread and thats what came to mind...

[The Perky Ent]

Woah! I just thought of something! What would happen if...

Sauron: Yes! I am the all powerful Sauron! Personified in this eye, I shall rule the world! Nothing can stop me!
*starts raining*
Sauron: Noooo! I'm evaporating! Noooooo

[elronds_daughter]

*on the bridge of Khazad-Dum*
Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!
*Gandalf whams his staff down on the bridge. bridge does not break. Seeing this, Gandalf proceeds to thump his staff on the bridge and mutter, "come on..." still nothing happens. the balrog just kind of sits there, slightly stunned.*
Balrog: what are you doing?
Gandalf: Trying to break the bridge, what's it look like?!
Balrog: oh. well, here, I'll save you the trouble. *jumps off bridge, and falls to his demise*
Gandalf: *watches the balrog for a while* well, that was easier than I thought. *chuckles* that "staff doesn't work" trick gets 'em every time...

[The Perky Ent]

There is only three letters that can describe that! LOL!

[Zebedee]

*At the Black Gate*
Aragorn charges orcs, swings his sword. Sword lies off the handle.

based on something that happened to a friend.

[elronds_daughter]

ha! good one, Zebedee! did that seriously happen? too funny!

here's another one:
(in the house of Tom Bombadil)
*Tom slips the Ring and disappears*
the empty space where Tom was: Drat it! That wasn't supposed to happen! GOLDBERRY!! Did you forget to put the anti-Ring potion in my water tonight?! *Tom takes off the Ring, looking much more evil than before, and puts it in his pocket* I'll be keeping this, Frodo. Your quest is no longer relavant.
Frodo: Hey!
*scuffle ensues between the hobbits and Tom. Tom knocks each hobbit on the head, and gains the victory, quite unfairly*

[The Perky Ent]

Gandalf: Prepare to fire!
Soldier in charge of Trebuchets: Prepare to Fire!
Gandalf: On my volley! FIRE!!
*soldier pulls lever*
*trebuchet breaks into pieces*
Soldier: Uh oh....
Ringwraiths: Well that's a time saver
Gandalf: This is unexpected! RUN AWAY!

[Nimrothiel]

Another Monty Python one! (Rather condensed and altered due to poor memory).

*scene: Mordor; the highest room in the tallest tower...whoops, how'd that get in there? ;) Frodo is being questioned by an orc*

Orc: "Why did you come here? What were you doing? Were you alone? Did you take the rest of last night's slop?"

Frodo: "Stop it! I don't know, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!!"

*door is flung open; three dubious looking characters enter*

Cardinal #1: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our main weapons are fear, terror...er, wait..um, well, nobody expects it!"

Orc: "How convenient, now I can have an early lunch." *leaves*

Cardinal #1: "Now halfling, confess!"

Frodo: "What?"

Cardinal #2: "Confess!"

Frodo: "Confess what?"

Cardinal #1: "Of your crimes to the church!"

Frodo: "What church?"

Cardinal #1: "The Catholic church of course! Now confess!"

Frodo: "But I haven't done anything!"

Cardinals (chanting) : "Confess! Confess! Confess!"

Frodo: "I won't confess to something I haven't done!"

Cardinal #1: "Stubborn, eh? Cardinal Fang, bring in...the fluffy cushions!"

*Cardinal #3 leaves and returns with three sofa cushions*

Cardinal #1: "Now confess!"

Frodo: "No!"

Cardinal #1: "Very well, then we will have to poke you with the fluffy cushions until you confess!"

*Cardinals proceed to poke Frodo with cushions; the seams split and stuffing spills out*

Cardinal #1: "Drat! Will you confess?"

Frodo: "No!"

Cardinal #1 to Cardinal #2: "Bring in...the comfy chair!"

Cardinal #2 (horrified) : "The comfy chair?!"

*leaves and brings in a comfy looking armchair*

Cardinal #1: "Now confess or you will be forced to sit in...the comfy chair!"

Frodo: "I won't confess until you tell me what the hell is going on here!"

Cardinal #1: "Because you will not confess you must sit in the comfy chair until you do!"

*pushes Frodo onto chair; Frodo begins to bounce up and down on the seat, the chair breaks*

Cardinal #1: "Bloody hell!"

[Pallando]

Very funny, Nim! This one takes place in Amon Hen.

Boromir leaps at Frodo, who barely dodges and then slips the Ring unto his finger. Problem is: he's not invisible.

Frodo: "Aw hell..."

[Gil-Galad]

Another Monty Python!

*eomer rides to see Theodred on the ground with arrows in him*

Eomer: "oh no! we must avenge theodreds death!"

Theodred: actually i'm not quite dead, i guess Orc arrows are really slave arrows, you get what you paid for

Eomer: ohh... well fear not oh mortally-wounded Theodred! stay here while i slay every orc in rohan!

Theodred actually i'm quite okay i think i can go with you

Eomer: no! stay down! it'll be good for my...ummm...

Theodred: Idium?

Eomer: yes idium! thank you good prince, now rest here till i return, actually i probaly have more to say so i'll just do my buisness first then come back okay

Theodred: uhh okay...

*eomer walks into bushes, but then some orcs run up and take theodred and tie him up in a tree, then the three hunters coem by, take the two orcs and tie them up in side by side trees and then run away*

Eomer: ah sweet freedom...theodred?! what are you doing in that tree!

Theodred: funny story really...

Eomer: if your going to die up there then so shall i! *pulls out sword and stabs himself, but the sword snaps in half

Theodred: ...

Orcs: ...

Strongbad: ...

Orc(1): well you know what they say... always look on the bright side of life!

*everybody breaks into a song number while Theodred struggles to free himself after realizing blood is dripping down his head*


rather off-course but still defective weapon(s) none the less

[Farmira]

Scene: Boromir just saved Merry and pippin from being cut into swiss cheese by an orc in fotr.

Boromir grabs his horn and blows:: ..."high pitched whistle"

<mean while> all the dogs in middle earth run to aide Boromir since they heard the call of the dog-whistle of Gondor

(ok kinda dumb, but i just thought of it)

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Aragorn threw back his cloak. The elven-sheath glittered as he grasped it, and the bright blade of Andúril shone like a sudden flame as he swept it out. "Elendi--oops!" Éomer's head landed on his feet, and the now-leaderless riders of Rohan advanced menacingly.
"The Dwarf's head is mine!" Éothain said.

THE END???
That sudden sword-drawing move kills people, Aragorn.

[Gil-Galad]

different endings in the EE would be very entertaining indeed

[THE Ka]

Saruman after trying to convince Gandalf to join Sauron's Pink-clad followers, prepares to reason with him...


Saruman: okay that's it Gandalf! I've told you, and now no more warnings! Pink is your colour!

Gandalf: No, and it's no one's as far as i'm concerned... that's why you're so easy to manipulate! I hate pink and i'm not afraid to admit it!

Saruman: Prepare to be scared by the power of Pink forever! *Saruman puts on one of his ugliest faces and points staff in Gandalf's direction, a blinding flash of pepto bismol smoke fills the area...

When the smoke clears, Saruman notices that something has gone drastically wrong. he is clad in A pink feathery Elton John coat and matching pleather pants!

Gandalf sees' his chance and reveals all viewing palantir's to saruman's pinkness...

Saruman ( as gandalf edges closer to the palantir...): DON'T. YOU. DARE!...

*gandalf swipes off covering and saruman is revealed!

*Denethor's palantir: AH! Eck! I thought that stuff was abolished! I'm soo glad boromir hasn't taken an interest...
*Boromir sneek peeks: Ooh! More fashion insperations!
D: Don't even think about it! if you want your ABBA records to survive!
B: Meep! I'm sorry I won't, I won't ! Besides, his feather's are not that fluffy anyway...

*Sauron's palantir: Whoa! When did that happen? *Sauron's eye looks around innocently...

Back to saruman...

Saruman: What! How could this be! i...i meant it for gandalf! not me...
suddenly in utter embarassment saruman notices that he forgot to add three double aa battaries to his staff...

Saruman: But, i just added some five minutes ago!... Cheap Dunlander's!


*********************************************
Ah... that was horrible... :(

hope i'm not yelled at...

~Nervous ka~

[Gil-Galad]

"its not pink its light red!"


oh what poor hobbit will pick the chunk of rock stuck in treebeards hand after trying to throw on an atkins diet?

[Nimrothiel]

*"it's not pink, it's light red!"*
Gil-galad, have you by chance seen a certain episode of "Red vs. Blue?"

Not a very good one, but on the bridge of Khazad-dum the Balrog's sword did break when Gandalf blocked it from spliting his head in half.

[THE Ka]

"its not pink its light red!"


oh what poor hobbit will pick the chunk of rock stuck in treebeards hand after trying to throw on an atkins diet?

Oh, whatever! You certainly have not talked to your local P.A.S.F.C.P. chapter member... There is a Great difference, and the real pink is not light red, that is just another delusion... ;)


~Ka, Board Director and chairholder of P.A.S.F.C.P.~

you can find more information on the real pink saga by following this link (http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showthread.php?t=4543&page=1)... read the whole page. you will leave with some info.

[Gil-Galad]

why yes i have thank you, and its much easier to easy pink then light red, but its still similar