View Full Version : How many.....?
littlemanpoet
01-30-2007, 04:33 PM
Okay, tell me if this is a bad idea or just ignore it, but there's a certain thread on Books that got me thinking this way.
You know how there are all those jokes about how many ________ does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, why not do a thread with "how many" jokes based on Tolkien's writings? In other words, why not see how many times we can make the poor old Beren roll over in his grave? :p You can change the creature, and you can change what gets changed. Uh, get it?
I'm not very good at jokes, but I'm sure bunches of you are, so feel free to improve on my poorish attempt, or come up with one of your own, or answer my ridiculous question with an clever, clownish, humorous answer of your own. (See? I'm so bad at this I'm leaving it to the rest of you to come up with an answer 'cause I can't think of one.....)
How many Huorns does it take to change a Palantir?
Bêthberry
01-30-2007, 05:39 PM
How many Huorns does it take to change a Palantir?
None, because Huorns wouldn't desecrate a cotton tree to make cloth nappies and Middle-earth doesn't have disposable ones.
Is that the idea? :D
littlemanpoet
01-30-2007, 09:26 PM
Great start! :D Thanks!
Anybody else?
And feel free to add your own wrinkle. Such as.....
....how many hobbits does it take to trick a dragon?
... or whatever.... :p
Farael
01-30-2007, 10:29 PM
I think I've been too much on the 'downs... the threads are getting all mixed up and running together in my mind
How many free peoples of ME does it take to annoy Sauron?
Nine men, who above all else, desire a quick cheap laugh, like a dwarf burping
Seven dwarves, great miners but even better pranksters
Three elves, fairest and most witty of all beings
But they were all deceived because one more kind of free people would do the trick.
One hobbit to destroy the ring and ruin it all
Rikae
01-31-2007, 10:43 AM
How many Uruks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll pop?
Morai
01-31-2007, 04:51 PM
How many Uruks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll pop?
None, for all the Uruks had a deadly brawl over the candy.
How many Bder's does it take to win ME Idol?
littlemanpoet
02-01-2007, 10:42 AM
How many Bder's does it take to win ME Idol?
None, because the thread died of unpopularity.
How many Elves does it take to lose a Silmaril?
the guy who be short
02-02-2007, 04:27 PM
How many Elves does it take to lose a Silmaril?
I don't know, but I can guarantee it's far less than it takes to find it again!
How many Roads must a Hobbit walk down before he can be called eccentric?
Legate of Amon Lanc
02-02-2007, 04:38 PM
How many Roads must a Hobbit walk down before he can be called eccentric?
One, but he has to walk it there and back again and on and on.
How many trees is a company?
Estelyn Telcontar
02-03-2007, 02:18 AM
How many trees is a company?
Two. As the proverb plainly says: "Two's company, three's a forest."
How many swords does it take to kill a Ringwraith?
Beanamir of Gondor
02-05-2007, 04:25 PM
How many swords does it take to kill a Ringwraith?
Usually just one, but it might take two if you're a Hobbit or a Shieldmaiden of Rohan...
How many Balrogs did it take to mortally wound Fëanor?
(P.S. This is a fun idea!)
Legate of Amon Lanc
02-10-2007, 03:08 PM
How many Balrogs did it take to mortally wound Fëanor?
Two winged, two unwinged, three marine, seven submarine and fourteen anti-tank.
(this is really fun idea)
How many Ruffians did it take to capture Lobelia Sackville-Baggins?
The Might
02-11-2007, 03:50 AM
10, the first 9 got beaten up by her umbrella
How many Elves does it take to change a lightbulb?
Estelyn Telcontar
02-11-2007, 06:39 AM
None - Elves don't like change!! (Galadriel would probably keep lightbulbs burning through all the ages with the power of her ring...)
How many Hobbits does it take to build a skyscraper?
Rikae
02-11-2007, 08:09 AM
That depends on how fat they are and whether you stack them horizontally or vertically.
How many hobbits does it take to catch a catfish?
The Might
02-11-2007, 11:43 AM
0, Men do it for them and then trade the catfish for pipeweed
How many Dragons does it take to defeat Bilbo ?
the guy who be short
02-12-2007, 07:39 AM
How many Dragons does it take to defeat Bilbo ?
Just the one. You see, dragons can breathe fire, and while Bilbo may cook better than he cooks, he still cooks, if you get me.
How many Dwarves do you need to re-take Moria?
littlemanpoet
02-12-2007, 09:52 AM
How many Dwarves do you need to re-take Moria?
One: to inadvertently drop something down a well and awaken the Balrog, then run for his life until he finds a wizard willing to sacrifice himself, then come along afterward and take all the credit....until the goblins kill him.
How many wargs does it take to defeat a wizard?
The Might
02-12-2007, 10:03 AM
Wizards have the habit of flying away from trouble so I guess wargs can't manage to defeat him
How many bottles of Dorwinion wine does it take to get Aragorn drunk?
littlemanpoet
02-17-2007, 05:53 PM
How many bottles of Dorwinion wine does it take to get Aragorn drunk?Nine. After Miruvor, Dorwinion wine's a piece of cake (after a manner of speaking). :p
How many silver spoons does it take to satisfy Lobelia?
The Elf-warrior
02-17-2007, 06:35 PM
How many silver spoons does it take to satisfy Lobelia?
As many as it takes to fill all the closets and storage chests in Bag End, i. e. a grand total of 7342.
How many rangers does it take to scare away a Barrow-wight?
Beanamir of Gondor
02-18-2007, 10:32 AM
How many rangers does it take to scare away a Barrow-wight?
Cleverly Disguised Ranger of Ithilien: About three, depending on how well the bird calls go.
Scruffy Dunedain Ranger with Sketchy Royal Heritage: Just one... and it goes quicker if he's got Anduril. *grumble*
I can't resist.
How many arrows did it take to slay Boromir?
Bêthberry
02-18-2007, 10:39 AM
I can't resist.
How many arrows did it take to slay Boromir?
Just the one that finally made him a bleeding heart.
How many brushes did it take to keep Galadriel's hair healthy?
Mithalwen
02-18-2007, 12:04 PM
Two brushes, one comb, shampoo, conditioner, finishing gloss, intensive moisturising treatments, frizz-ease, elnett and a full-time stylist (the bod standing behind Haldir in the FOTR film) - hair that long needs a LOT of attention.
How many Dwarves does it take to light a barbecue?
The Might
02-18-2007, 01:44 PM
1 if there is beer as well
If there is no beer available, there isn't any point in making the barbecue for Dwarves
How many barrels of pipeweed does it take to satisfy Merry?
Gil-Galad
02-20-2007, 10:35 AM
How many barrels of pipeweed does it take to satisfy Merry?
There aren't enough barrels of Pipeweed right now to be sure yet.
How many of Gothmogs Troll Guards must die till the Trolls realize that joining Gothmogs Troll guard isn't that great after all?
littlemanpoet
02-20-2007, 10:41 AM
How many of Gothmogs Troll Guards must die till the Trolls realize that joining Gothmogs Troll guard isn't that great after all?All of them. They're too stupid to figure it out for themselves.
How many tresses of Luthien's hair does it take to make a serviceable ladder?
Bêthberry
02-20-2007, 11:19 AM
How many tresses of Luthien's hair does it take to make a serviceable ladder?
None, as Luthien could simply take the form of Thuringwethil and escape on a wing and a prayer.
How many Balrogs does it take to illuminate a lightbulb?
The Squatter of Amon Rûdh
02-20-2007, 11:58 AM
148,297.
We arrive at this answer by the application of Thû's Axiom, which in its simplest form works like this:
1. Pick a number, any number
2. Multiply by the square root of the top speed (in microns per hour) of your favourite Scalextric car.
3. Add the number of hairs on the most famous yak
4. Divide by the number of times your bank manager blinked in the last five minutes
5. Write the result on a piece of paper and pass it to the nearest person with an 'x' in their name. They should repeat steps 1-4 above.
6. Ask The Squatter of Amon Rûdh how many Balrogs it takes to illuminate a lightbulb.
7. Get a better evil henchperson name.
You can tell that I'm right because never in Tolkien's fiction do we see a Balrog in a situation where a lightbulb would be useful and a lightbulb has, in fact, been installed. This is clearly because in no version of the legends would there ever have been enough Balrogs, balrogs or balRogs (not to mention bAlrOgs) to power the number of bulbs required to make it a viable technology.
How many eagles does it take to install a doorbell?
Zero. For a strange reason doorbells get installed without eagles. Saruman has a theory that the doorbells install themselves at just the thought of eagles doing it. This theory might be total rubbish. A famous orc scientist Stchû has worked on the matter for a long long time. She preaches that the doorbells are actually installed by Saruman and that he wants to frame the eagles for an unknown reason.
How many times did Tolkien rewrite The Lord of the Rings before it was published for the first time?
Morai
02-20-2007, 05:54 PM
How many times did Tolkien rewrite The Lord of the Rings before it was published for the first time?
None. He found it on the internet, printed it out, and sent it to the publishing company. Luckily for Tolkien, no one ever bothered to look into it.
How many times will a BDer incorrectly guess another BDer's gender before he/she gets it right?
((Hopefully this is okay. I'll change it if it isn't))
Bêthberry
03-03-2007, 08:21 AM
How many times will a BDer incorrectly guess another BDer's gender before he/she gets it right?
It depends on whether the BDer is a stalker or not. ;)
How much longbottom leaf does it take to learn how to blow smoke simarils instead of smoke rings?
The Might
03-03-2007, 09:58 AM
If you smoke enough you'll see smoke silmarils, even though you're not really doing them
How many Druedain does it take to defeat Beorn?
littlemanpoet
03-17-2007, 12:59 PM
How many Druedain does it take to defeat Beorn?
Three. Two to dig the hole. One to dress like a goblin and smear himself with honey.
How many oliphaunts (mûmaks) does it take to win a skirmish against Ithilien Rangers?
The Might
03-17-2007, 01:13 PM
Enough mumaks to create a continous line between Anduin and the Ephel Duath
That way by moving north at the same time, the mumaks would squish all the rangers...ingenious isn't it?
How many Nazgul does it take to get the One Ring?
Legate of Amon Lanc
03-17-2007, 01:44 PM
Ten.
So as you can see, the defeat of Sauron was ultimately caused by the fact that he run out of Rings.
How many Gondorians does it take to eat the White Mountains?*
*they do - cf. LotR V; Chapter 5
The Might
03-19-2007, 01:21 PM
1 (Forlong the Fat, who else?)
How many crazy mumak actions from Legolas did it take to save the day at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields?
Bêthberry
03-19-2007, 02:46 PM
How many crazy mumak actions from Legolas did it take to save the day at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields?
I don't know. I'll have to check the apocryphal entry in the Redbook by Gorbadoc N'erdowell, Shooting a Mumak.
How many trees does it take to make Greenwood the Great?
Legate of Amon Lanc
03-20-2007, 10:00 AM
One great tree, which you cut down and paint its wood green.
How many winged Nazgul does it take to safely transport the Mordor-orcs to the other side of Anduin?
The Might
03-20-2007, 10:25 AM
Just the WK on his fell beast to scare off the Gondorians and capture the bridge
How many wargs does it take to defeat a "movie warg"?
Beanamir of Gondor
03-21-2007, 09:49 PM
How many wargs does it take to defeat a "movie warg"? Are you kidding? Carcharoth would eat Movie!Wargs up like popcorn. It takes THREE of them to crush Gimli, and that's just pathetic.
How many mugs of ale would it take to really get Legolas drunk?
(I hate that scene.)
the guy who be short
04-21-2007, 07:02 AM
How many mugs of ale would it take to really get Legolas drunk?
Well, you'd need a blender to make Legolas nice and liquidy before drinking him. Then I presume he'd fill about 50 mugs.
How many Downers can you fit in Rune's room? :D
How many Downers can you fit in Rune's room?
There's only one answer: Let's all go there and see.
How many hamsters has Melkor had during his existence?
Morwen
04-21-2007, 10:27 AM
How many hamsters has Melkor had during his existence?
Just one. After poor Chuckles escaped and was eaten by Huan, Melkor could never see himself owning another hamster.
How many trolls does it take to cook a hobbit?
The Might
04-21-2007, 11:01 AM
How many trolls does it take to cook a hobbit?
Only one, the presence of more then one would bring death to all of them, as seen in The Hobbit.
How many Witch-kings does it take to break Gandalf's staff? ;)
Bêthberry
04-21-2007, 11:25 AM
How many Witch-kings does it take to break Gandalf's staff? ;)
None, Gandalf worked alone.
How many draughts does it take to water an ent?
Estelyn Telcontar
04-21-2007, 11:35 AM
How many draughts does it take to water an ent?
Well, you know how it is with Tolkien - the first draft always needs revision. So there must be several...
How many monsters does it take to eat all the critics?
How many monsters does it take to eat all the critics?
Hey! They wouldn't go as far as cannibalism! :p
How many fish did Gollum eat under the Misty Mountains?
littlemanpoet
04-21-2007, 11:43 AM
How many fish did Gollum eat under the Misty Mountains?
That's easy, one for every Tolkienbashing review ever written.
Let's have another go at this one:
How many monsters does it take to eat all the critics? :D
So here you go! ;)
How many monsters does it take to eat all the critics?
Depends on the levels. A 20 level monster can eat 56,8 level 5 critics, but the ratio critically changes if the critics have a +3 reputation bonus.
How many critics does it take to avoid being eaten by the monsters?
littlemanpoet
04-21-2007, 09:05 PM
How many critics does it take to avoid being eaten by the monsters?
Two. The first critic feeds the brain of the second critic to a monster; the monster is sickened by the repugnance of the thoughts in the critic's brain, and loses its lunch. Word gets out to all the other monsters and the critics are safe..... (blast it) ..... to continue their Tolkienbashing.
How many posthumous volumes of original Tolkien material does it take to satisfy the voracious appetites of Tolkien fanatics?
The Might
04-22-2007, 02:02 AM
x → ∞
How many ages does it take to get an Elf bored?
Legate of Amon Lanc
04-22-2007, 06:56 AM
How many ages does it take to get an Elf bored?
One age be they living in Valinor or Beleriand, two and half be they living in Edhellond, about three be they living in Rivendell, Lórien or Grey Havens, maximally four if they live in Mirkwood. However, if any of them lived at the Barrow-Downs, they wouldn't get bored ever!
How many Hobbits does it take to drink up the whole Green Dragon?
the guy who be short
05-09-2007, 09:43 AM
How many Hobbits does it take to drink up the whole Green Dragon?
Well, if x kegs of beer are delivered to the Green Dragon each day, and each keg fills y mugs, one of which a single hobbit can drink in z hours; with an average of q hours in the Green dragon for each hobbit per day:
If qz < xy by a large amount, there will be excess beer and production will have to be slowed, resulting in mass unemployment amongst barley farmers who will be made redundant.
If qz = xy everything will be just fine.
If qz > xy a potential drinking-up situation is plausible. This would result in mass riots.
Now, we know that hobbits never rioted, and also that there was no great depression. Therefore it's safest to assume that qz has roughly equalled xy for all of the Shire's history, meaning that it will probably continue to do so until th Shire collapses.
All of which means no amount of hobbits could ever drink up the Green Dragon. Unless they invented straws.
How many Moriquendi does it take to teach a man to walk on snow?
Bêthberry
05-09-2007, 03:40 PM
How many Moriquendi does it take to teach a man to walk on snow?
None actually, as long as the man involved was a hobbit.
See, hobbits have an amazing adaptation. With their large feet and their hairy feet they have natural, built-in snowshoes. As long as they walk with that wide sliding manner which the Inuit have perfected in our age, hobbits would not need any kind of elf to teach them how to snowwalk.
How many mulberry trees did it take to feed the worms which produced the silk for Arwen's wedding gown?
Legate of Amon Lanc
05-10-2007, 12:41 AM
How many mulberry trees did it take to feed the worms which produced the silk for Arwen's wedding gown?
The only information I can tell you is that in the year 3019 TA, there was reported a turmoil caused by Easterling ecologists against the devastation of their virgin forests for the sake of foreign trade commerce, which led to the retreat of another 10,000 troops of Rhun who were originally supposed to join the army at the battle of Dale, but now had to return to their home country to prevent ecologist rebellion. The indent of Arwen's wedding gown, thus, in fact saved the Western Middle-Earth from terrible fate. Think of what might have been: fire and savage swords in Eriador, night in Rivendell. And what more, there might be no Queen in Gondor - do you think Aragorn would marry Arwen without her wedding gown? But that has been averted – because Elrond picked an Easterling salesman's offer among all others. A chance-meeting, as we say in Middle-earth.
How many roads must a man walk go down, before you call him a "Strider"?
Morwen
05-10-2007, 07:32 AM
How many roads must a man walk go down, before you call him a "Strider"?
The Wise have yet to make a determination on this, but they have agreed that it is useful if at least some of the striding takes the would be Strider through Moria:)
If Manwe and Varda were to get divorced how many lawyers would it take to draw up their divorce settlement?
Beregond
05-12-2007, 12:39 AM
If Manwe and Varda were to get divorced how many lawyers would it take to draw up their divorce settlement?
More than eagles have feathers and fewer than the stars in the sky...
How many Royal Messengers did it take to convince Morwen to leave her homestead?
How many Royal Messengers did it take to convince Morwen to leave her homestead?
One. It was the same messenger whom Thingol always ordered to go to Dor-Lómin. In the end the messenger got so frustrated that he dragged Morwen all the way to Menegroth.
How many Hobbits would it take to defeat Glaurung?
The Sixth Wizard
05-24-2007, 02:39 AM
How many Hobbits would it take to defeat Glaurung?
One. Despite popular belief, Turin was actually 4"4, meaning he was an inch smaller than Bandobras Took. This was due to growth stunting he recieved as a child from a medical ailment known in Latin as stubbornus foolus.
How many Dark Lords does it take until the Valar just move to another planet?
Thinlómien
05-24-2007, 02:46 AM
How many Dark Lords does it take until the Valar just move to another planet
?The matemathical calculations imply that the correct answer is 666,2.
How many dwarves does it take to beat an elf in a singing competition?
Q: How many dwarves does it take to beat an elf in a singing competition?
A: Two. The singer and the referee.
Q: How many hours can a Hobbit live without eating anything?
Morai
05-24-2007, 05:34 PM
Q: How many hours can a Hobbit live without eating anything?
A: Zero, soon enough his whining will force someone to give him food.
Q: How many hobbits does it take to stress out a Wizard?
Morwen
05-26-2007, 04:46 PM
Q: How many hobbits does it take to stress out a Wizard?
None. Wizards can get stressed out just by thinking about hobbits.
How many dwarves would it take to chop down the Old Forest?
Bêthberry
05-26-2007, 05:55 PM
How many dwarves would it take to chop down the Old Forest?
The dwarves are a dwindling race; there never would be enough of them to clear cut the Old Forest.
How many elves were entranced by Legolas' descriptions of the Glittering Caves?
Ataralasse
05-27-2007, 02:28 PM
None, he wouldn't talk about them.
How many falls does it take to kill Aragorn?
The Sixth Wizard
06-04-2007, 02:26 AM
42.
How many roads must an Atani walk down?
Estelyn Telcontar
06-04-2007, 06:17 AM
Only one - after all, "the road" that "goes ever on and on..." is singular!
How many volumes of HoME must a Downer research in order to win a forum argument on Balrog wings?
Only one, also. The volume 76 is titled "Wings Or No Wings" and is the longest HoME book. The conclusion is that Balrogs do have wings, but they are, unlike most think, made of pink cardboard.
How many species are conscious of Tolkien?
Morai
10-15-2007, 08:05 PM
Two: The humans that read his works, and the cats that sleep on them.
What was Frodo's favorite time of day to write?
Galadriel55
07-08-2011, 09:50 AM
What was Frodo's favorite time of day to write?
Not being a "how many?" question, this enquiery was disqualified.
;)
How many generations will pass before a (future) Downer finds the book HOME76: "Wings or no Wings?
Bom Tombadillo
07-08-2011, 10:18 PM
500, around which time the earth will be destroyed and one of the refugees, whose great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great . . . ah, you get the idea, was a Downer, will find the relevant material floating through space, miraculously unharmed. Of course, by then even Tolkien will have faded into obscurity, meaning that the refugee will huck the book back into space, where it will eventually hit the leader of the species of alien whose planet the remnants of humanity are heading towards. Upon the arrival of humans to this planet and the aliens' realization that the humans are the species who wrote the book, a massive interspecies war will begin, in which both sides will be utterly wiped out, preventing anyone from ever deciding the question of whether the wings were, in fact, made of pink cardboard as some state, or of dwarf beards.
How many years will pass before cats telepathically absorb knowledge of language from sleeping on the works of Tolkien and use this knowledge to communicate among themselves, eventually staging the Great Cat Revolution, which will establish a government whose leaders are chosen by knowledge of Middle-Earth?
Galadriel55
07-09-2011, 07:16 AM
How many years will pass before cats telepathically absorb knowledge of language from sleeping on the works of Tolkien and use this knowledge to communicate among themselves, eventually staging the Great Cat Revolution, which will establish a government whose leaders are chosen by knowledge of Middle-Earth?
Cats will take after the example of Telvido. Their leaders will therefore be called Morcath, Cauron, Cathmog, and the likes of that. As for how many years it will take them to figure everything out... After some cat sleeps on inspiration on the correct BoLT!
How many Dwarves fell off the Bridge of Khazad Dum after it was built?
Nolwë_Namiel
07-16-2011, 05:21 PM
How many Dwarves fell off the Bridge of Khazad Dum after it was built?
2 - they were drunk at the time having consumed copious quantities of malt beer at Balin's birthday party. A fact their relatives were quick to deny.
How many Orcs did Legolas actually kill at Helms Deep?
LadyBrooke
07-16-2011, 06:02 PM
How many Orcs did Legolas actually kill at Helms Deep?
Zero, you see there was a slight mistake. The person Aragorn believed to be Legolas was actually.......Galadriel in disguise. :p Legolas got left behind in Lothlorien....
How many Silmaril prototypes did Feanor make before finally getting them right?
Galadriel55
09-09-2011, 03:06 PM
How many Silmaril prototypes did Feanor make before finally getting them right?
None. He never made the Silmarils. Those were stolen by him from Morgoth's secret treasury. Why else do you think Morgoth took it so hard? ;)
How many pimples does Lotho Pimpe have?
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