Ring Poem Parodies

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Inspired by some fun Shasta and I had with a Valspeak performance of the Ring Poem in Finland, I decided to write up a version of that and start a thread for more fun with Tolkien's iconic poem. Please post your ideas on what the poem might have sounded like if a favourite character from a movie, book, or other inspiration had spoken or written it. I look forward to reading!

(If you post something written by another author, please do give credit to that person. Thanks!)

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Two Valley Girls read the Ring Poem:

“Three Rings...”

“OMG, did you say rings?! Are they, like, for real? Do you think they’re engagement rings? But why three of them?”

“It says they’re for some king dudes.”

“But that’s like totally strange – kings have enough jewelry already. Why do they need more? And anyway, dudes don’t get engagement rings, duh!”

“What-ev-er, maybe they’re some kind of friendship ring. Stop interrupting, airhead, and let me read more. It says the kings live under the sky.”

“No way! Kings live in palaces, everyone knows that.”

“Way! It says so – maybe they were like camping out. Wait, there’s more. Some Dwarf-lords get seven rings...”

“Dwarfs? You mean short guys with long beards? Eeeewww! That is like so gross! Who wants to be friends with them?”

“This is fantasy – maybe they’re tre cool dudes. And they live in stone halls.”

“OMG, like in caves?! Doesn’t anyone there have like normal houses?”

“Wait, there’s more: ‘Nine for mortal Men doomed to die...’”

“Well, duh! What’s so special about that? Everybody dies, like, sooner or later.”

“It just says “Men”, nothing about women. Do you think the chicks get to live forever? That would be seriously awesome!”

“So not cool! I bet those wizards don’t have any Botox, and who would want to have wrinkles forever? The young dudes wouldn’t look at them, for sure!”

“’One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne...’”

“Oooh, that creeps me out! Like OMG, that must be like the baddie! He must have the big boss jewelry!”

“Totally! And he lives in a land called ‘Mordor’, where it’s shady. Doesn’t sound like it’s near LA - must be up in northern California. And it gets even more awesome – ‘One Ring to rule them all’, and it like finds all of them and captures them and ties them up.”

“As if! How’s the ring supposed to do all that? Or is it the big baddie?”

“I don’t know, all it says again is where he lives.”

“Well gag me with a spoon! Who’d have thought that a poem could be so bitchin’?!”

[Estelyn Telcontar]

James Bond:

"The name is Ring. One Ring."

[Inziladun]

THREE Rings.....for the....Elven Kings under....the sky,
SEVEN! For the Dwarf-lords...in their halls...of....stone,
NINE FOR MORTAL MEN! DOOMED! To die,
ONE, SPOCK! ONE! For the DARK...LORD! On his dark...throne,
In the LAND of...Mordor. Where the....SHADOWS....lie.
ONE! Ring....to rule them all, ONE! ring to....bind them,
One RING to.....BRING...them all,
And IN...the....DARKNESS....bind them
In....the land of Mordor....WHERE!...the....shadows...lie.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

War film R.A.F. briefing version

Now, pay attention, chaps. It looks as though there are three rings for the Elf-wallahs, who'll probably be at ground level (under the sky, you see); seven, dwarves for the use of; now they'll apparently be in halls of stone, so look out for a bunker of some sort... No, Gwaihir, I don't think we'll need a sand wedge. Anyway, there are nine for mortal chaps, who go for a burton in the end, but only one for the enemy, on his dark throne, in Mordor. The shadows lie there, so expect the target to be obscured.

Just to recap, then: One ring rules, finds, brings and binds in the land of Mordor, which is as black as your hat. Any questions? Good luck.

Devon dialect version

Dree rings ver they Elven kings unner the sky
Zeb'n ver them Dwarf-chaps in their 'alls o' stone
Nine ver uz mortal volks, wot's doomed t'die
One ver that Dark Lord on 'is dark throne
Down Mordor way, where the shadows lie
One Ring t'rule 'em all
One Ring t'find 'em
One ring t'bring 'em all an' in the darkness bind 'em
Down Mordor way, where the shadows lie.

[Galadriel55]

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky... poor things, they don't even have a roof over their heads! Too bad for them. Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone... seven? Why would they need seven rings? Nine for the mortal Men doomed to die... "doomed to die, doomed to die", what's with those dee's? One for the Dark Lord on his Dark throne... only one? Pffft! All this nonesense! I never saw any sense in poetry, and I don't see why these elves and dwarves do. It's a sign of good education? Oh fiddle-dee-dee! My account books show that I'm educated enough, and they make perfect sense, unlike this rubbish!

*slams the book shut*

ETA: alternative version: writing it

The Elf married three times. The Dwarf - seven. The Man married nine times. The Lord - only once. He was the happiest.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Northern English version...

Eh up!

Right, there's three rings fer that poncy lot.
Seven fer short lot, down pit.
Nine fer us lot, the workin' blokes.
One fer that B****d, on his loo,
in that London where it's all dark.

This One Ring's the bleedin' boss o' the others.
It sticks 'em all together, an' all!
An' ye' know what? It brings 'em all together, too!
An' it binds 'em all up,

Aye, an' it all happens in that London,
Where it's all dark.

[Morthoron]

Ozark (U.S.) dialect version:

Y'all gots three rangs fer Elvis kangs unner th' skah
Seben fer 'em Dorf-lords inner howls o' stone
Nahn' fer mordal mien doomt t' dah
Wuhn for 'at there Dork Lord on 'is dork throne
Inner Land o' Mortar whar th' Shadahs lah
Wuhn Rang to roole 'em all, Wuhn Rang to fahnd 'em
Wuhn Rang to brang 'em owl an' inner dorkness bahnd 'em
Inner Land o' Mortar whar 'em Shadahs lah, I reck'n

[Excitingsong]

Hey there,this is Excitingsong, glad to join this forum and glad to meet you here ,I look forward to getting some inspiration and getting to know all of you.