Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

[The Barrow-Wight]

Burrahobbit brought up a good question about the quote where Gollum says he has only 6 teeth. I always thought that Gollum's claim of poor dental hygiene was one of the funniest statements in the Lord of the Rings series.

What utterances by Middle-Earth characters have you found funny?

[galadriel2]

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funny quotes

my brother says: &quot;One of the funniest lines is when Sam accuses Gollum of sneaking about, which Gollum strongly denies, then when Frodo asks Gollum what he was doing Gollum says 'sneakin!'&quot;

</p>

[burrahobbit]

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Re: funny quotes

Merry and Pippin's first night with Treebeard. Treebeard says &quot;Well, you can lie on the bed. I am going to stand in the rain. Good night!&quot;

What's a burrahobbit got to do with my pocket, anyways?</p>

[bmilder]

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Re: Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

LOL, I agree with galadriel about the Sneak line <img src=laugh.gif ALT=":lol">

Also funny are other interactions between Sam and Gollum, where they accuse each other of stinking, etc. <img src=smile.gif ALT=":)">

---Ben
Admin at <a href=http://pub2.ezboard.com/bbenjaminstolkienboard><font size=+1>Entmoot</a>, the largest J.R.R. Tolkien community on ezboard!</p>

[The Barrow-Wight]

The 'sneak' line is definitely a LOL one. I grin every time I think of it. But I just thought of another one from The Hobbit. It's one of the quotes at the Barrow-Downs.

&quot; I am a cook myself, and I cook better than I cook, if you see what I mean. - Bilbo Baggins

This book is fully of one-liners like this.

[Balin999]

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Re: Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

i like the conversation between sam and ted sandyman at the green dragon inn
sam:&quot; Take dragons now&quot;
ted:&quot; No thank 'ee, i wont. i heard tell of them when i was a youngster, but theres no call to believe in them now. Theres only one dragon in Bywater, and thats green&quot;

and so on
i think that hobbits have a good sense of humour

</p>

[Sharkû]

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Re: Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

The funniest lines are ,IMHO, where Gorbag and Shagrat talk about how Shelob captured one of their comrades, who was then hanging upside-down on the ceiling in her lair, cocooned in spider-silk. Must have been quite a sight, together with the stupid face of an orc.

</p>

[Celebringnar]

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Re: Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

The lines that stick in mind are those that nearly caused me to fall out of bed while reading The Hobbit. &quot;...now if you've ever seen a dragon in a pinch...&quot; and when Bilbo reaches Laketown (I think) and bows saying something like... &quot;...dag you merry butch...&quot;.

</p>

[Ar Pharazon]

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Re: Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

....when Sam chucks the apple at Bill Ferny's head while leaving Bree, and says &quot;a waste of a good apple&quot; after it hits Bill in the face... classic.

</p>

[The Barrow-Wight]

Yeah, that was a funny line. Of course, anything Sam says is funny. That guy was just a simple yet clever (unknowingly) fellow.

[Ferr]

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Re: Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

this one:

<font color="#3333FF"><tt>"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less then half of you half as well as you deserve"</tt> B. Baggins</p>

[galpsi]

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Gently

&quot;Now I won't make so bold as to suggest that you should come to the Common Room tonight,&quot; said Butterbur.

</p>

[Wizard of the Secret Fire]

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<img src="http://www.barrowdowns.com/images/posticons/sting.jpg" align=absmiddle> Funny

These comments between Gandalf and Pippin are quite funny:

&quot;What are you going to do then?&quot; asked Pippin, undaunted by the wizard's bristling brows.
&quot;Knock on the doors with your head, Peregrin Took&quot;, said Gandalf. &quot;But if that does not shatter them, and I am allowed a little peace from foolish questions, I will seek for the opening words&quot;

&quot;Fool of a Took!&quot;, he growled. &quot;This is a serious yourney, not a hobbit walking-party. Trow yourself in next time, and then you will be of no further nuisance. Now be quiet&quot;


"You cannot pass. I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor."

Usually guarding <font color="#000000" size="2" face="Arial">http://www.theoldforest.cjb.net<font size="2" face="Arial">The Old Forest</a></p> Feel free to visit the EZ Board, <font color="#000000" size="2" face="Arial"> http://pub9.ezboard.com/btheoldforest29887<font size="2" face="Arial">The Bonfire Glade</a></p> </td>... </p>Edited by <A HREF=http://www.barrowdowns.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_profile&u=00000184>Wizard of the Secret Fire</A>&nbsp; <IMG SRC=http://hem.passagen.se/wizard_of_illusion/Buttoms/ez/bluefire10.jpg BORDER=0 WIDTH=10 HEIGHT=10> at: 7/23/00 8:56:12 am

[quam]

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funny

when gandalf and radagast are in the shire and radagast says something about &quot;a primitive country,this shire&quot;
and gandalf says that he shouldn't say that out loud.

</p>

[The Barrow-Wight]

How about where Mandos says, "Not the first."...Man that Mandos cracks me up.

Wait a minute. That ain't funny. That Mandos sure was morbid.

I'm going to open a New Topic.

[Oliphaunt]

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hahah

I'm reading the hobbit again! This from the eagle holding Bilbo &quot;Don't pinch! You need not be frightened like a rabbit, even though you look rather like one...&quot;
hahahah

<marquee>'Were there any oliphaunts?' asked Sam, forgetting his fear in his eagerness for news of strange places. 'No, no oliphaunts. What are Oliphaunts' said Gollum.</marquee></p>

[dogtrot]

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Re: hahah

i like alot of the &quot;locals&quot; dialogue in the shire, esp. the gaffer. only the gaffer could speak his mind to a black rider. &quot;no thankee, i won't&quot; and &quot;none of my business, nor yours&quot;

</p>

[Boring]

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Re: hahah

Eowyn did too, dogtrot.

The Gamgee fam. is my favourite too, they have such a simple but very good humor.

</p>

[dogtrot]

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Re: hahah

Another Sam funny: '&quot; coming Mr. Frodo!&quot; came the answer far within, followed soon by Sam himself,wiping his mouth.He had been saying farewell to the beer barrel in the celler.&quot; &quot;I'll last a bit now,sir&quot;

</p>

[The Barrow-Wight]

Oh man! That one is funny :)
I forgot about Sam's farewell to his beer...haha

[gamegie]

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Re: hahah

Well I like Lobelia and her umbrella full of 'stuff' not belonging to her.
But it is not good to snear at a poor creature like her, fancy waiting for so long to come in possession what she thought should be hers......SOB

Charming Humble Hobbit</p>

[mwcfrodo]

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Re: Bilbo's sense of humor

Overall, I'd say Bilbo said or wrote some of the funniest lines in the books. The tags he put on the various gifts were classic. I particularly liked the *convex* mirror to Angelica Baggins who fancied herself pretty and the wastebasket for the relative who always felt obliged to offer good advice. He had some fine lines in the Hobbit as well: &quot;I cook better than I cook, if you see what I mean.&quot; (I suspect the subtlety was wasted on the trolls.

</p>

[Mister Underhill]

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Re: Bilbo's sense of humor

Sam, of course, is irrepressibly funny, but for my money, Gandalf often gives him a run for his money. But I think I always get the biggest kick out of some of the narration. Remember in the Hobbit when Thorin begins his long-winded speech?

&quot;Gandalf, dwarves, and Mr. Baggins! We are not together in the house of our friend and fellow conspirator, this most excellent and audacious hobbit -- may the hair on his toes never fall out! all praise to his wine and ale! --&quot; He paused for breath and for a polite remark from the hobbit, but the compliments were quite lost on poor Bilbo Baggins, who was wagging his mouth in protest at being called &quot;audacious&quot; and worst of all &quot;fellow conspirator&quot;, though no noise came out, he was so flummoxed.

</p>

[mwcfrodo]

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Re: Bilbo's sense of humor

Two classics I love...

When Sam's caught listening outside Bag End when Gandalf's telling Frodo of the ring, he says,
&quot;Don't let him turn me into anything unnatural. My old dad would take on so.&quot;

And Gandalf's rejoinder to Pippin in Rivendell:
&quot;I shall go unless they chain me up. There must be someone of intelligence in the party.&quot;
&quot;Then you will certainly not be chosen, Peregrin Took!&quot;

</p>

[Mister Underhill]

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Re: Bilbo's sense of humor

Or Gandalf, recounting his exploits leading up to the fight a the ford prior to the Council of Elrond:

<blockquote>Quote:<hr> &quot;I came to Hobbiton and Frodo had gone; but I had words with old Gamgee. Many words and few to the point. He had much to say about the shortcomings of the new owners of Bag End.&quot;<hr></blockquote>

Or an earlier one with Frodo at Bag End:

<blockquote>Quote:<hr> &quot;Among the Wise I am the only one that goes in for hobbit-lore: ann obscure branch of knowledge, but full of surprises.&quot;<hr></blockquote>

</p>

[noldo]

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Re: Bilbo's sense of humor

I always liked this one:

&quot;If you don't let me in, Frodo, I shall blow your door right down your hole and out through the hill.&quot;

<HR>"Mind Bilbo doesn't eat all the cakes! He is too fat to get through key-holes yet!"

<A HREF=http://pub22.ezboard.com/belvenhome>Elvenhome</A> </p>

[Faramirthesecond]

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Re: Bilbo's sense of humor

being only male, I cringe every time I come across the word &quot;queer&quot; in reference to being strange or peculiar. I suppose it is funny to watch me cringe, considering I'm almost a vegetable sitting in a hospital ward with a nurse reading the trilogy to me time and time again. She even allowed a picture of me to be taken as I cringed. My eye sort of froze mid-flutter and my pinky was raised to a ninety degree angle. I suppose it was funny. My mom is giving me sort of a glare as she is typing this for me. It's been two whole weeks out of the hospital! Wohoo!

</p>

[Hannah Burrows]

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Love it all

Ah these are all good quotes but I hear nothing of Bilbo on the eyries,

Dwalin: And besides, eagles aren't forks!
Bilbo: Oh no, not a bit like storks-forks, I mean!

Ah, let's see (leafs through The Hobbit quickly) Ah ha!
In Beorn's house,
Bofur:Get up lazybones, or there will be no breakfast left for you!
Bilbo: Breakfast! Where is breakfast!
Dwarves: Mostly inside us.

Glion: As soon as I clapped my eyes on the little fellow bobbing and puffing on the mat, I had my doubts. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar!&quot;
Then Mr. Baggins turned the handle and went in. The Took side had won. He suddenly felt he would go without bed and breakfast to be thought feirce.As for &lt;i&gt;little fellow bobbing on the mat&lt;/i&gt; it had almost made him really feirce.

" In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit . . . " That's where it all began.</p>

[Roquen]

I always thought this was funny for the narative:

"Yrch! said Legolas, falling into his own tounge"

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

These are all very funny. One of my favourites is when the Riders of Rohan are surrounding the Three Hunters. Gimli and Legolas are talking smack to Eomer and are just about to get killed by the Rohirrim for their cheek. And then Aragorn steps in.

Aragorn: 'Your pardon, Eomer!'

lol, calm down, calm down, don't fight, I am on the verge of something good here! smilies/biggrin.gif

[Evisse the Blue]

Lobelia to Frodo: "You're not a Baggins you're a ...Brandybuck!"
Crowd: Uuuh, thaT was harsh!
LOL!
Then the part where the shiriffs accuse Frodo and co of various "illegalities" and Sam adds other funny ones to the list makes me laugh every time I read it.

[Lhunbelethiel]

The Hobbit is full of great lines by Bilbo especially when he is acting fussy. As someone mentioned earlier, the line that always makes me giggle (esp. when it's at the top of the screen on this site's rotating quotes) is when Bilbo catches a cold and says "Thag you very buch." It's just cute! Gollum and Sam's exchanges are funny as well.

smilies/biggrin.gif

[ August 15, 2002: Message edited by: Lhunbelethiel ]

[galadwen29]

one line tha made me chucle was in teh chapter "teh bridge of Khazad-dum was when frodo charges foward attacking the orcs shouting "the shire!" him killing one. aragorn shouts "one for the shire"

smilies/rolleyes.gif

[the phantom]

I also think some of the narration is hilarious. From The Hobbit when the dwarves are at Bilblo's house:
"He had less than half a mind to fetch the lamp, and more than half a mind to pretend to and go and hide behind the beer-barrels in the cellar, and not come out again until all the dwarves had gone away."

[onewhitetree]

"And no one was ill, and everyone was happy, except for those who had to mow the grass."

[Limlaith]

There are TOO many:

But one of my favorites for mental imagery is:

"Legolas and Gimli rode with Aragorn in the van." smilies/biggrin.gif

There are many more I shall have to find and compile.

[Mister Underhill]

[Éomer] was welcomed; and when they sat all at table in Merethrond, the Great Hall of Feasts, he beheld the beauty of the ladies that he saw and was filled with great wonder. And before he went to his rest he sent for Gimli the Dwarf, and he said to him: ‘Gimli Glóin’s son, have you your axe ready?’

‘Nay, lord,’ said Gimli, ‘but I can speedily fetch it, if there be need.’

‘You shall judge,’ said Éomer. ‘For there are certain rash words concerning the Lady in the Golden Wood that lie still between us. And now I have seen her with my eyes.’

‘Well, lord,’ said Gimli, ‘and what say you now?’

‘Alas!’ said Éomer. ‘I will not say that she is the fairest lady that lives.’

‘Then I must go for my axe,’ said Gimli.

[ August 15, 2002: Message edited by: Mister Underhill ]

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Lots of funny lines. I think Gollum's really funny though. One of my favorites is:

Eomer:..."Have you ever done anything worth of binding or of worse punishment? However, that is not for me to judge, happily. But tonight you have come where it is death to come. The fish of this pool are dearly bought."
Gollum dropped the fish from his hand. "Don't want fish," he said.

[Tigerlily Gamgee]

Sam's Oliphaunt poem cracks me up!!!
Also, almost any exchange between him and Gollum is pretty amusing as well! Especially when he spells out po-ta-toes!

[Rumil]

THE funniest line (and I defy you to better this one) is by Celeborn

'But do not despise the lore that has come down from distant years; for oft it may chance that old wives keep in memory word of things that once were needful for the wise to know'

(just consider who was standing next to C)

[mark12_30]

Recently I read The Hobbit out loud, and what we found very funny was how important the food was to Bilbo and the dwarves, and how it was always being sabotaged-- getting rained on, or dunked in rivers, or lost, or stolen by goblins or just plain run-out-of in Mirkwood; and how often Bilbo was, therefore, HUNGRY. Any description of a catastrophe always ended with, "And of course" (something bad happened to the food.)

A few of Frodo's wonderful lines: "I don't carry water in my pockets."
In Cirith Ungol: "Have you inquired about Inns along the way?"

Boromir's line about Rauros: "What shall we do then, leap down the falls and land in the marshes?" (Boromir had several funny lines.)

Gimli to Merry and Pippin at Isengard: "And here we find you sitting in the middle of dinner, and smoking. Smoking! Where did you get the pipe weed, you villians?"

[ August 15, 2002: Message edited by: mark12_30 ]

[Gimli Son Of Gloin]

When Merry was in the hospital at Gondor, looking for his bag.

Pippin: My dear *** , your pack is lying by your bed, and you had it on your back when I met you.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Yes, that Gollum was certainly a witty chap. Though he probably didn't realise it.

Whenever someone wishes that a Dwarf's beard may grow longer (which happens frequently) it is most amusing.

[BeeBombadil]

My favorite funny line is from Legolas


"Aaiiii, a Balrog!"

[Joy]

Rumil, the Celeborn line was just hilarious! smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif ROTFLMBFHO!

[Raefindel]

"Curse their foul feet!" Haldir, when the orcs walked through Nimrodel.


Gimli -"There is more than one (horse) coming!"
Gandalf- "Yes! We are too great a burden for one!"


And of course,my favorite, the afore mentioned "I don't carry water in my pockets!"

[Merri]

1) This is when Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf discover Merry and Pippin and start asking them lots of questions (in The Two Towers) "One thing you have not found in your hunting, and that's brighter wits"- that's Pippin.

2) "You don't know your danger, Theoden, These hobbits will sit on the dge of ruin and discuss the pleasures of the table, or the small doings of their fathers, grandfathers, and great-grandfathers and remoter cousins to the ninth degree, if you encourage them with undue patience."-Gandalf

3)"Are we riding far tonight, Gandalf? I don't know how you feel with a small rag-tag dangling behind you; but the rag-tag is tired and will be glad to stop dangling and lie down."- Merry

4)Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger
Pippin: But our whole life for months has been one long meddling in the affairs of Wizards!

5)Pippin: All right! . . . I know I can't have it, with old Gandalf sitting on it, like a hen on an egg. But it doesn't help much to get no more from you than a you-can't-have-it so go-to-sleep!
Merry: Well, what else could I say? I'm sorry, Pippin, but you really must wait until the morning. I'll be as curious as you like after breakfast, and I'll help in anyway I can at wizard-wheedling. But I can't keep awake any longer. If I yawn any more, I shall split at the ears. Good night!

6: Sam: Not a bird!
Gollum: No, no birds. Nice birds! No birds here. There are snakeses, wormses, things in the pools. Lots of things, lots of nasty things. No birds,

7) Sam: What's the need to sniff? The stink nearly knocks me down with my nose held. You stink, and the master stinks; the whole place stinks.
Gollum: Yes, yes, and Sam stinks!!

ha. That's enough for today. Those quotes set me off in hysterical laughter for . . . hm, a long time. They're all from The Two Towers. But my fingers ache now. Bah.

I LOVE QUOTES!! MWAHAHAHA!!!

[ August 18, 2002: Message edited by: Merri ]

[Raefindel]

Those were good Merri. smilies/smile.gif

[Birdland]

I actually found a line in the Silmarillion that made me laugh.

The set-up: Yavanna is miffed at her husband, Aulë because his creation, the Dwarves, liked to chop down trees. So Yavanna asks for, and gets, "The Shepherd of the Trees". In other words, the Ents.

She goes tripping back to Aulë and says: "Now let thy children (dwarves) beware! For there shall walk a power in the forests whose wrath they will arouse at their peril (Ents)."

Aulë just looks at her and says: "Nonetheless, they will have need of wood."

(Dead silence. Someone coughs.)

...OK, I guess you had to be there.

[Nar]

Good one, Birdland! I fell in love with Aule based on that quote.

Bregalad to Pippin and Merry:
'I am Bregalad, that is Quickbeam in your language. ... They have called me that ever since I said yes to an elder Ent before he had finished his question.'

[ August 18, 2002: Message edited by: Nar ]

[mark12_30]

Aragorn in the houses of healing:
"Master Meriadoc, if you think that I have passed through the mountains and the realm of Gondor with fire and sword to bring herbs to a careless soldier who throws away his gear, you are mistaken. If your pack has not been found, then you must send for the herb-master of this house. And he will tell you that he did not know that the herb you desire has any virtues, but that it is called westmansweed by the vulgar, and galenas by the noble, and other names in other tongues more learned, and after adding a few half-forgotten rhymes that he does not understand, he will regretfully inform you that there is none in the house, and he will leave you to reflect on the history of tongues. And so now must I."

[Ringwraith Number Two]

This really made me laugh, when Faramir first met the Hobbits, and his men are discussing what they could possible be:

"Not Orcs," said another, releasing the hilt of his sword, which he had seized when he saw the glitter of Sting in Frodo's hand.
"Elves?" said a third, doubtfully.
"Nay! Not Elves," said the fourth, the tallest, as it appeared the chief among them. "Elves do not walk in Ithilien in these days. And Elves are wondrous fair to look upon, or 'tis said."
"Meaning we're not, I take you," said Sam.

I made my brother read it too smilies/biggrin.gif

[keverzwijn]

I love it when Sam whispers "fissssh" in Gollum's ear to check if he's asleep. Gollum does alot o'funny stuff too. I hope they use that in the movie. smilies/evil.gif

[MallornLeaf]

<font color="aqua">I love the part when Grishnakh is pawing at Merry and Pippin for the ring and pippin starts...
"my precioussss. gollum"

and I agree w/ BeeBombadil... they cut one of the best lines out of the movie when they didn't have Legolas say "Ai! Ai! a balrog!"

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

I love those Gollum ones!!!!!! They're all good. I like the Aragorn one too!

[Rumil]

Thanks for the appreciation Joy

My boss Celeborn, what a guy! Perhaps Galadriel's ad in the Doriath singles column went; 'seeking tall male Sindar with GSOH, must be non-pushy and like strong women'

Sorry to be ignorant, but I'm intrigued to know what ROTFLMRFHO means???

Anyway, as a general point, how do people think the various races' sense of humour works out?

Elves - dry, witty and subtle
Hobbits - cheery but a bit rustic
Men - well most of you should know!
Orcs - frankly nasty
Dwarves - can't think of a Dwarven joke, revealing no?

[Elendur]

I like the trolls conversation.

Mutton yesterday, mutton today, and blimey if we aint eatin mutton tomorrow. smilies/smile.gif That is not exact.

[Arwen Imladris]

Old Man: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Merry: No, no the big one, big one
Sam: N-n-n-nothing important. That is I heard a good deal about a ring and a dark lord and something about the end of the world. But please Mister Gandalf sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anythin' --unnatural.
Sam: I have been droppin no eves sir, honest. I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you follow me.
Sam: Heh! Mr. Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me!
Elrond: No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.
Pippin and Merry: Wait! We are coming too!
Merry: You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!
Pippin: Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest... thing.
Merry: Well that rules you out Pip.
Frodo: <looks back> Go back Sam! I'm going to Mordor alone.
Sam: Of course you are, and I'm coming with you!


O.K. THat is enough for now

[Aiwendil]

There are many good ones in The Hobbit:

When Bilbo says 'Struck by lightning, struck by lightning.' "And that was all they could get out of him for a very long time."

The "Burrahobbit" and "Yes, lots . . . no, none at all."

Gollum's final guess - "String or nothing!".

Also, Gandalf's method for getting Beorn to let 15 people stay at his house.

One of my favorites from LotR is Sam's: "Eavesdropping Sir? I don't follow you, begging your pardon. There ain't no eaves at Bag End, and that's a fact." I can't believe they changed that line in the movie.

[Luinsewiel]

My favorite Quote is the one in my Signature. I started laughing out loud when I read it!

[doug*platypus]

Morgoth: likes violence - not just as a friend?

Forgive me...

Thus he came alone to Angband's gates, and he sounded his horn, and smote once more upon the brazen doors, and challenged Morgoth to come forth to single combat. And Morgoth came.

[stinker_slinker]

i think this is a funny line: "But anyway, my dear hobbit, don't put a lump of rock under my elbow again!" -Gandalf to Pippin

[Lindolirian]

And while you've been trespassing in foreign parts, chasing Black Men up mountains from what my Sam says, thouhg what for he don't make clear, they've been and dug up Bagshot Row and ruined my taters!

Every time I read that I get a great mental image of Sam growling and chasing a very frightened Nazgul up a mountain, and the Gaffer complaining about his potatoes down below.

[Alphaelin]

From The Hobbit:

The bit where Bilbo complains to Thorin about the size of the Dwarves' hoard: "I should want hundreds of years to bring it all up, if I was fifty times as big and Smaug as tame as a rabbit!"

And from TTT:

Legolas, trying to deduce how Merry & Pippin escaped the destruction of the Orcs just outside Fangorn: "Being pleased with his skill, he then sat down and quietly ate some waybread! That at least is enough to show that he was a hobbit, without the mallorn leaf."

(I cannot *believe* that line wasn't in the movie!!)

[doug*platypus]

When Bilbo is making his farewell speech: This was the sort of stuff they liked. Short and obvious.

I love hobbits, they're so funny! Maybe because I know so many. There are times when I've thought the inhabitants of Palmerston North too stupid and dull for words.

[Daewen]

Hm...I think that the second book was defendetly the funniest. I was laughing when Legolas and Gimli started having that little orc killing contest.

[Keeper of Dol Guldur]

I always enjoyed it when Saruman shouted;
"I am Saruman of Many Colors!"
Then Gandalf replied (very much sarcastically
"I liked white better."

[Gorwingel]

The Saurman of many colors part is great, that is one I love. Another is of course anything that has to do with Legolas and Gimli counting how many orcs they have killed during Helm's Deep, I actually laughed while I was reading that smilies/biggrin.gif

[ January 02, 2003: Message edited by: Gorwingel ]

[Olorins_dumber_brother]

this has been brought up before, but i think Gimli and Emoer are the best when they are talking to each other about the lady of the golden wood.
when they first meet:
Gimli rose and planeted his feet firmly apart: his hand gripped the handle of his axe, and his dark eyes flashed. " give me your name horse master and i will give you mine, and more besides"
Emoer does some postering and introduces him self and gimily replies
then Emoer son of Eomoud, Third marshal of the riddermark let Gimli the Dwarf Golin's son warn you against follish words. you speak ill of of that which is fair beyond the reach of your thought and only little wit can excuse you" to which Emoer replys " i would cut off your head, beard and all, Master dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground
when the parly breaks up and they head for entwood
(Gimly) " And i will come, too, the matter of the lady lies still between us. i have yet to teach you gentle speach"
(Emoer" we shall see,so many strange thins have chanced that to learn the praise of a fair lady under the loving strokes of a dwarf's axe will seem no great wonder"
i also like the finish of this conversation but as it has been posted before i will skip it.

[Sindae]

Well one of my favourite lines in LotR is when Aragorn asks Mr. Butterbur:
"Then who would you take up with? A fat Innkeeper who only remembers his own name because people shout it at him all day?"

[Raefindel]

I love that one, too, Sindae. smilies/wink.gif

[Afrodal Fenyar]

"Go not to the elves for councel, for they will say both no and yes" - Sorry, haven't got the english version, and I can't remember that exactly.

"To sheep each sheep no doubt look different, and to shepherds, but mortals have not been our study" - Give the correct versions of these, if these have not yet been brought up in this topic..

[Finiel]

1. This one’s from The Hobbit after the Trolls were turned to stone.
Thorin: Where did you go to, if I may ask?
Gandalf: To look ahead.
Thorin: And what brought you back in the nick of time?
Gandalf: Looking behind.
Thorin: Exactly!

(I love Gandalf’s one-liners)

2. “Would this be any good?” Bilbo asked ,holding a large key, when the dwarves got tired and angry from pushing the cave door of the trolls and Gandalf had tried (in vain) so many incantations.
“Why on earth didn’t you mention it before?!” they cried.

3. Legolas:“A plague on Dwarves and their stiff necks!”
Legolas said when Gimli drew his axe from his belt in protest of being blindfolded in entering Lorien in FOTR.
Aragorn: Come! If I am still to lead this Company, you must do as I bid. It is hard upon the Dwarf to be thus singled out. We will all be blindfolded, even Legolas.
Legolas: I am an Elf and a kinsman here!
Aragorn: Now let us cry: ‘a plague on the stiff necks of Elves!

4. Legolas: If Gandalf would go before us with a bright flame, he might melt path for you.
Gandalf: If Elves could fly over mountains, they might fetch the Sun to save us.

4. Legolas:
“The strongest must seek a way, say you? But I say: let a ploughman plough, but choose an otter for swimming, and for running light over grass and leaf, or over snow-- an Elf.”

I don’t know about you guys but they made me laugh. heehee
smilies/biggrin.gif

[peonydeepdelver]

ok this isn't exactly something that someone says but it's funny how tokien describes it. (it's in the two towers, book 4, near the end of ch. 2)
"The gasping pools were choked with ash and crawling muds, sickly white and grey, as if the mountains had vomited the filth of their entrails upon the lands about."
I was cracking up earlier, and my dad was staring at me like I was crazy. smilies/biggrin.gif

[Melichus]

I still love Gollum's line from The Two Towers:

"What's taters, eh, precious--what's taters?"

...And also these bits of narration from The Hobbit:

"Yes, I am afraid trolls do behave like that, even those with only one head each."

"You're a fat fool, William," said Bert, "as I've said afore this evening."
"And you're a lout!"
"And I won't take that from you, Bill Huggins," says Bert, and puts his fist in William's eye.

[ January 05, 2003: Message edited by: Melichus ]

[Attercop]

This is a good thread, don't let it die! smilies/biggrin.gif
The part that always made me chuckle is where Gandalf is recounting his meeting with Saruman, notices his now multi-colored robes and blurts out "I liked white better!"

[Balin999]

Yet another Gamgee one:
'With perfect truth: for Bilbo was very polite to him, calling him "Master Hamfast", and consulting him constantly upon the growing of vegetables- in the matter of "roots", especially potatoes, the Gaffer was recognized as the leading authority by all in the neighbourhood (including himself).

This is a very good example of Tolkiens humor: Those added thoughts in brackets. I think there are some more, though I can't think of another one right now. I really like them smilies/biggrin.gif

[Novlamothien]

There are so many great quotes, and many of my favorites have been posted already. Two that have not are both from the Scouring of the Shire.
Sam: If I hear 'not allowed' much oftener I'm going to get angry.
"You're breaking arrest, that's what you're doing" said the leader ruefullly, "but I can't be answerable."
"we may break a good many things yet, and not ask you to answer..." said Pippin.
I also love when the ruffians call Frodo a Cock-a-whop and Pippin gets mad.
By the way, Lothiriel Silmarien, Faramir is the speaker of your quote, not Eomer.

Namarie
Edit: to whoever wondered about this quote, here it is: "To sheep other sheep no doubt appear different.Or to shepherds. But Mortals have not been our study.We have other business."

[ February 06, 2003: Message edited by: Novlamothien ]

[TolkienGurl]

Thus he came alone to Angband's gates, and he sounded his horn, and smote once more upon the brazen doors, and challenged Morgoth to come forth to single combat. And Morgoth came.
That's my favorite part in The Silmarillion. Poor Fingolfin. smilies/frown.gif But the fact that Morgoth just steps on him is quite funny...

I'll find some funny parts when I have my books with me.

[Galadrie1]

I don't have the book with me, so I don't know how this goes exactly, but when Merry is with the Rohan army, he's lying on the ground, hidden under a cloak. Someone trips over him and mutters something about tree-roots. Merry jumps up and says "I am not a tree-root, sir!" For some reason I couldn't stop laughing when I read that. smilies/rolleyes.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

[HCIsland]

This is from The Hobbit.

He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.

It made me laugh.

H.C.

[alaklondewen]

You have to love Hobbit wit.

This is Ted Sandyman:
"Oh, they're both cracked," said Ted. "Leastways old Bilbo was cracked, and Frodo's cracking. If that's where you get your news from, you'll never want for moonshine."

That cracks me up every time I read it.

Also at the council of Elrond when Aragorn is talking about his experience with Gollum.
"Lurking by a stagnant mere, peering in the water as the dark eve fell, I caught him, Gollum. He was covered with green slime. He will never love me, I fear; for he bit me, and I was not gentle. Nothing more did I get from his mouth than the marks of his teeth"

[GaladrieloftheOlden]

Ok: i have many favorites, but I'lll post a few: Frodo: What do you want? Aragorn: A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry. Frodo: I carry nothing.
Aragorn: Indeed! I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift.
I really don't know why, but every time I see that scene I start cracking up at the expression on Frodo's face aand everybody gives me strange looks. Hehe smilies/biggrin.gif

I just love this quote by Legoals, (it is definitely one of my favorite quotes by him.) which shows his rare humor (lol), and somebody typed out part of it, but not the whole thing, so here it is:'Well, here is the strangest riddle that we have yet found!' exclaimed Legolas.'A bound prisoner escapes from both the orcs and from the surrounding horsemen. He then stops, while still in the open, and cuts his bonds with an orc- knife. But how and why? For if his legs were tied, how did he walk? And if his arms were tied, how did he use the knife? And if neither were tied, why did he cut the cords at all? Being pleased with his skill, he then sat down and quietly ate some waybread! That at least is enough to show that he is a hobbit, without the mallorn-leaf. After that, I suppose, he turned his arms into wings and flew away singing into the trees. It should be easy to find him: we only need wings ourselves!'

Frodo: No one knows it's here. Do they? Do they, Gandalf?

Pippin: What's that?
Merry: This, my friend, is a pint.
Pippin: It comes in pints? I'm getting one!
Sam: You've had a whole half already! (i like that- but not for the punchline- I love the look of amazing pride in Merry's face when he tells Pippin that he's got a pint- it's so funny!)

Aragorn: Gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall.
Pippin: What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You've already had it.
Pippin: We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?
Merry: I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: What about elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?
Merry: I wouldn't count on it. (There too- the expressions crack me up)

I feel thin... sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. (It's not funny when you think about it- but I always get this mental image of a bunch of trolls tryin to scrape Bilbo evenly over this giant piece of bread. I dunno.

I thought it was funny in FotR when Pippins like: here come's cousin Frodo, the Lord of the Ring! and Gandalf answers with somethings like: Frodo is not the Lord of the Ring, he sits on the dark throne of Barad- Dur, and does not share his power, to which Pippin answers with something like: O gandalf has been saying plenty of cheerful things like that lately,and I thougth it was pretty funny.

The first time I saw FotR lots of people in the audience were talking, so I thought that when at the council of Elrond Aragorn says: Havo dad, Legolas, he said: You act bad, Legolas, which sorta suprised me as being out of the usual for Middle-Earth language. It was kinda funny when I read the script online to see the mistake. smilies/evil.gif

Pippin: Are we lost? Merry: No Pippin: I think we are Merry: Shhh. Pippin: Merry. Merry: What? Pippin: I'm hungry

Arwen: What's this? A Ranger, caught off his guard? (No seriously, I think Aragorn isn't as good as it's meade out. I mean, come on, no matter whether she was an Elf or not, and no matter, how Elvish her horse was, if she could sneak up on him while riding a horse with bells, wow, Middle-Earth Men must be really out of whack.)

Gandalf: If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose.

Sam: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took.

[While being chased by farmer maggot]
Merry: I don't know why he's so upset. It's only a couple of carrots.
Pippin: And some cabbages. And then those three bags of potatoes we lifted last week, and, and, the mushrooms, the week before.
Merry: Yes, Pippin, my point is, he's clearly over reacting. Run!

[Merry and Pippin are leading the orcs away from Frodo]
Pippin: It's working!
Merry: I know it's working. Run!

Bilbo: No, thank you. We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations.

Frodo: Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.
Gandalf: Indeed?
Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.
Gandalf: If you're referring to the incident with the Dragon, I was barely involved. All I did was give your uncle a little nudge out of the door.

I know its kinda long, but here it is.

[TolkienGurl]

One of the funniest parts for me is in Unfinished Tales (which I am finally reading!)

Narn I Hîn Húrin: Túrin in Doriath
"Saeros," [Túrin] said, "there is a long race before you, and clothes will be a hindrance; hair must suffice." And suddenly throwing him to the ground he stripped him, and Saeros felt Túrin's great strength, and was afraid. But Túrin let him up, and then "Run!" he cried "Run! And unless you go as swift as the deer I shall prick you on from behind." And Saeros feld into the wood, crying wildly for help; but Túrin came after him like a hound, and however he ran, or swerved, still the sword was behing him to egg him on.
If you've read this part in UT, you'll think it's funny, too. smilies/biggrin.gif

[ February 07, 2003: Message edited by: TolkienGurl ]

[GaladrieloftheOlden]

I just thought this was classic Pippin unintended humor (it was in the FotR movie): Frodo has been stabbed by a Morgul blade, is writhing on the fround, they are two weeks ride away from Rivendell, and Pippin innocently asks Aragorn: "Is he going to die?" smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Ainaserkewen]

I love the part in the book when Pippin is in Minas Tirith when he finds the boys.
" I am taller than you, and I am 10 already."
And when pippin tell's them he is a wrestler from the shire and would kill him. It's just funny how they each try to out play each other.
"I am 29, so I pass you there."
"You are old, as old as my uncle Irolas!"
I don't remember the exact quote. smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Nenuial]

One of the funniest parts i think is in the fell in a conspiracy unmasked. Frodo is about to tell them what hes up to and pippin whispers to merry: "it's coming out in a minute." its hilarious. i was in the library when i first read it and i stared cracking up...i got a lot of strange looks. well anyway i thought it was funny/

[Thor]

This shows where a hobbit's true feelings lie:

"There's something fishy in this, my dear. I believe that mad Baggins is off again. Silly old fool. But why worry? He hasn't taken the vittles with him."

I just love that dry humour in Tolkien!

[Stormcrow]

hahaha

There's some good quotes here, but I'm guessing not as many people found Treebeard as funny as i did smilies/biggrin.gif. I guess it was just the whole idea of him taking forever to do things and continually insisting he was "unhasty". I like the line (reffering to Pippin) "After a long time ... he found himself wondering, since Entish was such an 'unhasty' language, whether they had yet got further then Good Morning" smilies/biggrin.gif

I also like after you get the feeling they've been there for a while all that Treebeard can come up with was that the Entmoot decided Merry and Pippin weren't Orcs. Dunno about anyone else but I burst out laughing when i read that. Eh, ah well, just thought i'd add my bit in smilies/smile.gif

[Aerandir Carnesir]

One of my favorite lines in the books is in the scourging of the Shire. Sam's Gaffer says to Frodo,"And while you've been trapessing in foreign parts, chasing Black Men up mountains from what my Sam says, though what for he don't make clear, they've been and dug up Bagshot Row and ruined my taters!" The whole concept of 'taters' is very funny to me. Or in the movie when Sam is cooking up Smeagol's conies and Sam says,"What we need is some good taters" Smeagol says,"W-what are taters...precious?" and Sam says,"PO-TA-TOES" that just cracks me up!!! The conversation's Sam and Smeagol have in the movie are hilarious!!! I especially like Smeagol's conversations with himself in the movie and his song when he catches the fish in the forbidden pool. smilies/tongue.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

[HCIsland]

This comes as Gandalf is preparing Pippin to meet Denethor and is warning him to be carefull about what he says, especially in regard to Aragorn.

Gandalf: Do as I bid! It is scarcely wise when bringing the news of the death of his heir to a mighty lord to speak over much of the coming of one who will, if he comes, claim the kingship. Is that enough?

"Kingship?" said Pippin amazed.

"Yes," said Gandalf. "If you have walked all these days with closed ears and mind asleep, wake up now!"

Any Gandalf-Pippin interaction is usually worth a laugh.

By the way, another Treebeard fan here as atested by my sig line. I think he's pretty funny too.

H.C.

[Amarie]

Thingol: What of your quest, and of your vow?
Beren: It is fulfilled. Even now a Silmaril is in my hand.

[Purple Monkey]

"Ai, ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!" usually has me in hysterics, as well as another few (suspiciously) feminine lines from our dear Master Elf.

[Purple Monkey]

Not that I'm suggesting anything of course. ;-) What about this one;



"Why it will take weeks before we get all these things sized up!"



"Weeks indeed," said Pippin. "And then Frodo will have to be locked up in a tower in Minas Tirith and write it all down. Otherwise he will forget half of it, and poor old Bilbo will be dreadfully disappointed."

[Sleeping Beauty]

This is some good stuff. I needed a laugh, it's been raining incessantly here. smilies/redface.gif

But here's my favorite quote. It's from the Fellowship:


Gently he stipped off Frodo's old jacket and gave a gasp of wonder. Then he laughed...."Look, my friends!" he called. "Here's a pretty hobbit-skin to wrap an elven princeling in! If it were to be know that hobbits had such hides, all the hunters in Middle-Earth woul'd be riding to the Shire."
"Then all the arrows of all the hunters in the world would have been spent in vain!" said Gimli, gazing at the coat in wonder.


Yeah, it's long. But I always get the mental image of Frodo cringing when Aragorn took the mithril coat off and Gimli doing a wide-eyed wonder thing. Plus, the mental images of hobbit hides hanging over a fireplace in a castle somewhere has been a source of amusement. smilies/evil.gif

[ February 21, 2003: Message edited by: Sleeping Beauty ]

[Lady Alasse]

I am not certain where my copy of Lord of the Rings is at this moment. but one of my favorites is the line by Gollum "Is it scrumpious, my precious. Is it crunchable."
-I'm not certain if I have gotten this completly right but it must be fairly close. smilies/biggrin.gif

[Lady Alasse]

I just remembered another of my favorite funny parts. I think it is hilarious when Pippin is instisting that he isn't a man he's a hobbit. I can't remember the exact words of this either

[Gil-Galad]

heres one i remember from the movie

Legolas: elven bread can fill a grown size man with one bite
Pippin: how many did you have?
Merry: 4

smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/cool.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

[manchy99]

gandalf says when he's talking about mr butterbur forgetting the letter for frodo he says "If he forgets i shall roast him!"

ha hahahha a ahaha ah ahh ah i love that

[Lily Bracegirdle]

When Butterbur sees the mess the Nazgul have made of the hobbits' room:

"Never has such a thing happened in my time!" he cried, raising his hands in horror. "Guests unable to sleep in their beds, and good bolsters ruined and all! What are we coming to?"

smilies/biggrin.gif
-Lily

[ February 21, 2003: Message edited by: Lily Bracegirdle ]

[doug*platypus]

LOL! Good call. Undead sorcerors have just ridden down the gates at Bree, looking for their master's ultimate evil weapon. But worse than that, Barley's pillows are ruined!

Pippin takes a lot of the funniest lines in the book, like when Sam puts a sack as a substitute for Frodo's head: "Very lifelike!"

You're right, Aerandir Carnesir, the Gaffer is a great source of larfs. How's this one:
What's come of his weskit? I don't hold with ironmongery, whether it wears well or no!

[Ithilgaladh]

This one is from the "Two Towers."
"The next morning we went to Entmoot,a gethering of Ents, that is, and the queerest thing I have ever seen in my life." I think it's hilarious, I don't know if it's supposed to be. (And ignore all potential homosexual connotations) Also, I've been saying "Ai Ai, a Balrog!" all morning.

[Stuttering Istari]

How about this one:
==When the Hobbits and Gandalf arrived at Bree, Return of the King==

<quote>'Well, that sounds more hopeful, I'll allow,' said Butterbur. 'And it will be good for business, no doubt. So long as he lets Bree alone.'
'He will,' said Gandalf. 'He knows it and loves it.'
'Does he now?' said Butterbur looking puzzled. 'Though I'm sure I don't know why he should, sitting in his big chair up in his great castle, hundreds of miles away. And drinking wine out of a golden cup, I shouldn't wonder. What's _The Pony_ to him, or mugs o' beer? Not but what my beer's good, Gandalf. It's been uncommon good, since you came in the autumn of last year and put a good word on it. And that's been a comfort in trouble, I will say.'
'Ah!' said Sam. 'But he says your beer is always good.'
'He says?'
'Of course he does. He's Strider. The chief of the Rangers. Haven't you got that into your head yet?'
It went in at last, and Butterbur's face was a study in wonder. The eyes in his broad face grew round, and his mouth opened wide, and he gasped. 'Strider!' he exclaimed when he got back his breath. 'Him with a crown and all and a golden cup! Well, what are we coming to?'</quote>

[HannahH]

smilies/cool.gif
I think any interaction between Pippin and merry, or any of Gandalf's reprimands are hilarious.
THE SWORD THAT WAS BROKEN SHALL BE REFORGED
THE CROWNLESS AGAIN SHALL BE KING

[Sapphire_Flame]

"I don't know how you feel with small rag-tag dangling behind you; but the rag-tag is tired and will be glad to stop dangling and lie down." *Merry*

"Gandalf has been saying many cheerful things like that. He thinks I need keeping in order." *Pippin*

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." *Bilbo*

And a movie-verse one to wrap up this post...
"The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It'll be the last thing he expects." *Pippin*

[Alatáriël Lossëhelin]

I always liked the part where Aragorn is leading the hobbits through the Midgewater Marshes.
"I am being eaten alive!" cried Pippin. "Midgewater! There are more midges than water!"
"What do they live on when they can't get hobbit?" asked Sam, scratching his neck.

[Iarwain]

Perhaps someone's already said this one, but Bilbo in the Hobbit when he thinks of his fireplace and hankerchiefs and warm food "not for the last time" I've always loved that kind of stuff!

Gandalf at the beginning of the Hobbit talking about Bilbo's good morning, very funny.

[Samwise Gamgee]

Only Sam can bring humour to everything - even when things are really serious. His sarcasm to Gollum is the funniest thing in LotR

[Estella Brandybuck]

My favorite funny quote has already been mentioned on this page:

"And while you've been trapessing in foreign parts, chasing Black Men up mountains from what my Sam says, though what for he don't make clear, they've been and dug up Bagshot Row and ruined my taters!"

Gotta love the Gaffer. smilies/wink.gif

[Finwe]

I think one of the funniest lines in the movie was when Aragorn said, "I know what hunts you." to Frodo. It made me think of a crowd of rabid Nazgirls chasing after Frodo, and him running like he does to the ferry.

Another hilarious line is the universally famous, "Ai! Ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!" It made me think of Legolas squealing and jumping up on a chair if a rat came into the room. "Ai! Ai! A MouseRog has come!"

[Idunn]

Aragorn:"...for these horsemen are riding back down the orc-trail. We may get news from them.
Or spears, said Gimli."

"In one thing you have not changed, dear friend, said Aragorn: you still speak in riddles.
What? In riddles? said Gandalf. No! For I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to."
Very nice of Gandalf, isn't it? smilies/wink.gif

[Cúdae]

From Mandos to Feanor: "Not the first."

[dead silence]

Okay, maybe I'm the only one who found that funny. But seriously, if you look at the context, it does seem rather funny. Or maybe I just have a strange sense of humour.

Here's another I always find amusing in the Silmarillion:

(Glaurung speaking to Turin) "Thankless fosterling. outlaw, slayer of thy friend, and deserter of thy kin."

That probably shouldn't seem funny, but everytime I read it, I can't help but laugh. Poor Túrin.

*looks around uneasily* I do have a strange sense of humour...

[Evisse the Blue]

Another one of Gollum's dry humour:
Frodo asks:
"Must we cross these evil-smelling fens?"
"No, no need at all", said Gollum. Not if hobbits want to reach the dark mountains and to go see Him very quick"
And from the same trek through the Dead Marshes - Sam thinking to himself:
Three precious Gollums in a row we shall be, if this goes on much longer.

[Kaiserin]

My favorite ME funnies:

1 - From The Hobbit: William and Bert the trolls arguing how they would cook and eat the dwarves - "Shall we sit on them and squish them and turn them into jelly?" or something like that. It really cracked me up, that whole scene when Bilbo gets called a burrahobbit

2 - Bilbo says, "I cook better than I cook, if you know what I mean".

3 - Legolas and Gimil at Helm's deep, trying to top each other and keeping count of how many orcs they've bashed. And Master Elf wins by one!

4 - That whole coney-cooking conversation between Gollum and Sam. Taters and all.

[Amarantha_Daisy]

2 - Bilbo says, "I cook better than I cook, if you know what I mean".

*laughs* I love that line! It's one of my favorites.

"Themselves they named Khazad, but the Sindar called them Naugrim, the Stunted People,"

That's from the Silmarillion, and I don't think it was meant to be funny, but that whole "Stunted People" thing makes me laugh. smilies/biggrin.gif Silly dwarves...

[ August 15, 2003: Message edited by: Amarantha_Daisy ]

[Firnantoonion]

I like the sentence wich merry says during the scouring of the shir: if i knew this, I had stuffed my tobacco-sac into Saruman's throat... just imagina an angry hobbit doing this smilies/smile.gif

also the game legolas and Gimli are playing at Helm's deep is funny, but it really is Gimli who wins Kaiserin.

[Nerindel]

Here is two I found amusing from my favourite chapter in the hobbit: Inside information

'I've done it! This will show them. More like a grocer than a burgar, indeed! Well, we'll hear no more of that.'

Bilbo after he steals the cup from Smaug smilies/biggrin.gif

'I am he that buries his friends alive and drowns them and draws them alive again from water.I came from the end of a bag, but no bag went over me.'

hehehe Bilbo again, ok! ok! I admit it I just love the whole Bilbo and Smaug riddling talk smilies/biggrin.gif (the only right way to speak to a dragon of course smilies/wink.gif )

[TheSquireof Aragorn]

This may have been mentioned already but I love this line-Bilbo"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." Also the scene where Merry is inquiring about his pack that he thinks has been lost in the Battle of Pellenor Fields, and Aragorn plays around with him.

[Lush]

As Aragorn & Co. are about to set out on the Paths of the Dead, to get the "forgotten people" to aid them:

Gimli, quite deadpan: "I hope that the forgotten people will not have forgotten how to fight...for otherwise I see not why we should trouble them."

[Gilbo]

I've always liked the meeting with Ghan-Buri-Ghan when he says(not exact) Me think the Seakings eat stone. Remarking on the Numenorean building crafts. (TTT is my favorite book)
Ent draughts; Quickbeam; Treebeards references to Saruman, post flooding; hobbits at Orthanc; so much more.
Movies: after setting off the dragon rocket, Merry and Pip, faces blackenned like a LooneyTune cartoon, saying "Let's get another!"
M&P at the Pony,"That is a Pint!" "I'm getting one!"
smilies/evil.gif

[Neferchoirwen]

When Saruman proclaimed himself as "Saruman of many colors"

...and in a deadpan look I imagine Gandalf to have on his face, he says:

"I thought white sounded better."

...or something of the sort.

I pictured it in my head as a funny cartoon scene, with a super villain maniacally praising himself.

[doug*platypus]

Too Long Among the Horses
"Nay, nay!" said Elfhelm. Another good one from the knight of Rohan when Merry asks him what is afoot: "Anything that can keep so in this devil's mirk!"


Nassty Seagulls Precious

From the start of The Last Debate when Legolas is talking about his trip up the Anduin: and as he gazed he saw white sea-birds beating up the river. I can just picture those nasty birds squawking and hitting it with their wings! smilies/biggrin.gif

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 4:06 PM January 07, 2004: Message edited by: doug*platypus ]

[Leyrana Silumiel]

Hi! Newbie!

Anyway, my favorite lines come from the History of the Lord of the Rings, Book Two, The Treason of Isengard. This part was actually originally cut from LOTR, and I think it should have stayed in (they're on the mountain of Caradhras):

"But how are WE to get through this drift, even if we ever get as far as the turn?" asked Pippin, voicing the thoughts of all the hobbits.

"It's a pity," said Legolas, "that Gandalf cannot go before us with a bright flame, and melt us a path."

"It is a pity that Elves cannot fly over mountains, and fetch the Sun to save them," said Gandalf. "Even I need something to work on. I cannot burn snow. But I could turn Legolas into a flaming torch, if that will serve: he would burn bright while he lasted."

"Spare me!" cried Legolas. "I fear that a dragon is concealed in the shape of our wizard. Yet a tame dragon would be useful at this hour."

"It will be a wild dragon, if you say any more," said Gandalf.


I just LOVE the friendly banter between these two; I think Tolkien should have had more of this to show the friendship between the Nine Walkers.

[Guinevere]

smilies/eek.gif smilies/rolleyes.gif What?! But that is not from the book!!!
I mean, some parts are, but others are made up by I don't know who!
Gandalf never says anything about wanting to use Legolas as a torch, and the words about dragons are fake also!

[Leyrana Silumiel]

I hope you're kidding. If not, here's where I got it from: the box-set called The History of the Lord of the Rings. It's a three book segment (and a really skinny fourth book) from the Histories of Middle-Earth series. I got it for Christmas, and I was reading it. That part got edited, and I thought they should have left the dragon thing and the torch thing in. Those were funny!

In my opinion (which usually doesn't count), Tolkien should have left more of this in, mainly because it showed the fellowship and how they interacted with each other. Eh. That's just me, though.

[The Dark Elf]

I think PJ added something for Gimli in TTT. Him standing on the wall at Helm's Deep and Legolas asking "Shall I describe the scene to you or should I get you a box?"

Also in TTT EE I love the scene after the victory at Helm's Deep. I can't remember what number Legolas was up to (the kill count) but Gimli had one more. Suddenly Legolas draws his bow and shoots the dead orc Gimli was sitting on. Gimli says "He was already dead!" Legolas responds by saying "He was twitching." Gimli shouts back "That's because he has my axe embedded in his nervous system!" After he says that, he pushes down on his axe and you see the dead orc's arms and legs fly up. smilies/tongue.gif

[Thorongil]

One of the funniest lines (after my opinion)is Bilbo in his speech:

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

[Sirithrodwen123]

I like where Gimli says "Toss me, but don't tell the elf."
Aragorn responds "I won't"

[The Saucepan Man]

Thisis just a reminder that this thread is for discussion of the funniest lines that Tolkien wrote, rather than those written by the script-writing team on the films. There are a number of threads in the Movies forum where you can post your favourite lines from the films.

[Lyta_Underhill]

One line that springs to mind right away if from TTT "Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbit":
(Ranger of Ithilien)"Elves do not walk in Ithilien in these days, and Elves are wondrous fair to look upon." (Sam) "Meaning we're not, I take you." smilies/biggrin.gif

Cheers!
Lyta

[Morgul Queen]

My turn smilies/evil.gif

It's a shame some of the lines were cut from LotR. *sighs* I always thought that Legolas getting hit by an arrow in Khazad-dum makes more sense that him simply dropping the bow...ah, well.

the simple idea of Trotter, however, is enough to set me off giggling. The clog-wearing ranger-hobbit! *snerks*

Anywho...

'The Wolf that one hears is worse than the Orc that one fears.'
'True!' said Aragorn, loosening his sword in its sheath. 'But where the Warg howls, there also the Orc prowls.'

The fact that they rhyme is more than enough to give me a bout of giggles, not to mention...

'Gandalf,' the old man repeated, as if recalling from old memory a long disused word. 'Yes, that was the name. I was Gandalf.'

*shakes head* He's impossible!

[Arwen Evenstar]

Sorry if this has already been posted!


"What`s the use to sniff? The smell `bout knocks me down with my nose held. You stink, and the master stinks, and the whole place stinks!" "Yes, yes and Sam stinks!"
or some where along those lines (this is a fight between Sam and Gollum.

I also liked, in RotK, when Gollum/Smeagol is talking to himself, and Gollum says, "All she get`s is nasty orcses." "And they dosen`t taste very nice, does they precious?"
There were a WHOLE lot more that I like, but I would be here all night if I posted them all! smilies/wink.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/smile.gif

[Armetiel]

Aragorn and Legolas rode with Eomer in the van. (I love the mental image you get with that one lol)

From UT. Thorin to Gandalf: Either some foresight is upon you, or you are merely crazed.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 1:51 AM January 25, 2004: Message edited by: Armetiel ]

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 2:18 AM January 27, 2004: Message edited by: Armetiel ]

[Arwen Evenstar]

Legolas and Gimli rode with Aragorn in the van.(
I came upon that again, while reading The Two Towers for about the 3rd a couple weeks ago and couldn`t stop laughing, which was bad because I was in band and supposed to be watching the stupid movie. smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/evil.gif
I also love the part where one of the soldiers trip over Merry, and start cursing the tree roots. Merry tells him that he is not a tree root (or bag), but a very bruised hobbit. When the soldier leaves, He says something like, "Farewell, Master Bag!"
smilies/biggrin.gif

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 7:35 PM January 21, 2004: Message edited by: Arwen Evenstar ]

[Elanor the Fair]

I would have to say that when Merry is in bed after defeating the King of the wraiths, and you don't know if he will live. He wakes up and says" I'm hungry, what is the time?'.

I laughed for and hour after that. I'm not quite sure why... Oh well, I still think that it is very funny!

[Arwen Evenstar]

In The Fellowship of the Ring, just after Bilbo leaves, Gandalf comes to the door and knocks, but Frodo dosen`t answer because he`s afraid it`s Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. Gandalf replies to this by saying
Frodo, if you do not open this door and let me in, I shall blow it down your hole and out through the hill!
or something like that. It sounds funny that way, but if you think of it a different way... smilies/evil.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

[Donlammenion]

Hello all, sorry if this has been posted prior to now (i only read the first two boards)

I think Gimli has a good few one liners:

Gimli FoTR: "No body tosses a dwarf" followed immediatly by the classic "Not the beard"

Then in a complete reversal in TTT at helms deep,
Gimli whispers "Toss me"
Aragaun replies "What"
Gimli "Toss ME" pause "But dont tell the elf"

I apologise if the next quote is not word for word but i hope it gives you the jist.

Gimli "Unbeatable odds, Certain death, Well what are we waiting for"

Just a few i'm sure theres many more smilies/biggrin.gif

[Finwe]

Arwen! You naughty naughty Elfling, you! smilies/biggrin.gif

I'm afraid to admit that I had a similar perception of that comment. Needless to say, it caused a great deal of side-clutching laughter that garnered more than a few strange looks from the old lady sitting next to me (I was reading this on a bus).

[Isowen]

This ones from the film; when the fellowship (minus gandalf) enter Lothlorien and Celeborn says "The dwarf breathes so loudly, we could have shot him in the dark."

[Morsul the Dark]

Kili's "Ah I smell frsh cut bread and butter!"

[ninlaith]

I've always liked Merry or Pippin's line, terribly sorry I can't remember which, when the Uruk-hai make camp: "Well...where's bed and breakfast?" or something to that extent.

Gimli: Dwarfs are natural sprinters...very dangerous at short distances.

And my all time favourite is Bilbo's line which is my signature. I love it so much I used it as my Senior quote in the highschool yearbook.

[Encaitare]

The one that's fun to say in a pansy-ish moan is Legolas's "Ai! A Balrog is come!"

And from rereading LotR more recently, I think I've begun to appreciate Tolkien's droll sort of humor. One thing that made me laugh was a quote from the last chapter of RotK (I believe) and it says something along the lines of, "And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except for those who had to mow the grass."

as if mowing the grass is some kind of great hardship. ::chuckles to self::

[Boromir88]

Well here's mine from the movies, both happen to be from ROTK, I love how Theoden sort of beats around the bush with Eowyn.

Theoden: I have left you instructions, the people shall follow your rule in my sted. Take up my seat in the Golden Hall, long may you defend Edoras if the battle goes ill.

I love it, it's basically Theoden telling Eowyn that famous saying "stay back and GUARD the fort." Lol.

And Theoden basically giving Merry as slap in the face.

Theoden to Merry: None of my riders can bare you as a burden.

Wow Theoden you are so kind and gentle.

As for the Book goes. I would have to say the conversation between Gildor and Frodo.

Three is company
"The meaning of it fair people," said Frodo, "is simply that we seem to be going the same way as you are. I like walking under the stars. But I would welcome your company."
"But we have no need of other company, and hobbits are so dull," they laughed. "And how do you know that we go the same way as you, for you do not know whither we are going?"

I love Gildor's response, "hobbits are dull." It's the first time we get to see other races make jokes about the hobbits, and the Elves ignorance here first shows.

Also, from Three is Company

Gildor was silent for a moment. "I do not like this news," he said at last. "That Gandalf should be late, does not bode well. But it is said: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger...
"And it is also said," answered Frodo: "Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will will say both no and yes."

So there Frodo get's a jab back at Gildor, for the "hobbits are dull comment." And at the end of the match we have a tie, Gildor: 1 Frodo: 1, it will be judges decision...

[Encaitare]

I just read "Farmer Giles of Ham" and I loved this line:

He was a grammarian, and could doubtless see farther into the future than others. :D

[Mad Baggins]

There are two from Return of the King that always tickle my fancy:
And he will tell you that he did no know that the herd you desire had any virtues...and after adding a few half-forgotten rhymes that he does not understand, he will regretfully inform you that there is none in the House, and he will leave you to reflect on the history of tongues.
Said Aragorn to Merry of the herb-master.

Was there ever any one like him?...Except Gandalf of course. I think they must be related.
A quote from Pippin (speaking of Aragorn) that makes me laugh every time I read it.

[Tuor of Gondolin]

Smaug the sardonic worm has several good lines,
including: "You have good manners for a thief and a liar."

And Bilbo:
Poor Bilbo couldn't bear it any longer. At 'may never return' he began to feel a shriek coming up inside, and very soon it burst out like the whistle of an engine coming out of a tunnel....the poor little hobbit could be seen kneeling on the hearthrug, shaking like a jelly that was melting. Then he fell flat on the floor, and kept calling out "struck by lightning, struck by lightning!" over and over again

and

Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!

And Gandalf and Thorin:
"Where did you go to, if I may ask?" said Thorin to Gandalf as they rode along. "To look ahead," said he. "And what brought you back in the nick of time?" "Looking behind," said he.

That's all for now, so thag you very buch.

[Gashberz]

My favorite from the books (and yes this was in the movie too) was the argument over the potatoes that sam and gollum had.

-cheers

P.S. I've been gone for 2 months but I'm back from madrid!!!! (it was awesome).

[rutslegolas]

Madrid ,thats really cool. :cool:

ya mine favourite was the one when Smaug says " you have good manners for a thief and a liar".

that was really funny

[Meneltarmacil]

I'm sorry if it's not word-for-word but:

BILBO: Good morning.

GANDALF: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning or do you mean to say that it is a good morning whether I want one or not, or that you feel good this morning, or that it is a morning to be good on?

Did Gandalf not have his coffee that morning or something?

And also:

"You can't expect folk to stop here forever just to be eaten by you and Bert"

And the fact that trolls absolutely detest the sight of dwarves...uncooked, that is.

[Decended_of_Narinya]

Nah, the funnyist of the movie scenes has to be the point where Aragorn is trying to get rid of the soup Eowyn gives him. Especially when he tells her he's 87. I dono why it strikes me so funny, the 87 bit, but it just does.

Then again there's always the VERRY BEST of Pippin:

Merry: You'll have to tie us up in a sack to send us home.
Pippin: And becides, you'll need people of intelegence on this sort of message, quest, thing.
Merry: Well that leaves you out, Pip.
Elrond: So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring
Pippin: Great! So, where are we going?

Then later on:

Frodo: Mordor, Gandalf, which way is it?
Gandalf: Left.

[Lindo]

Frodo to Pippin: "I don't keep water in my pockets."