New Movie Script

[mordor136]

Feel free to tar and feather me if this has been done before but I cant find it anywhere.
I would like for us to rewrite the Lotr movies scene by scene. Each person who posts must rewrite one scene in a more comical form until we have finished fotr and ttt. Here we go!
Prologue

Galadriel (in a suprisingly masculine voice):
The world is changing
It has becoming increasingly more evil and dangerous. Enron executives now head the Middle Earth Board of Treasury. Even in the Shire 401K plans are becoming less rewarding, but it was not always so... IT WAS WORSE!

(Camera zooms into mordor and cuts into a close-up of Sauron who shreiks because his mascara is running in the heat of Sammath Naur.)

Sauron: How am I supposed to mount a brutal conquest of Middle Earth without a proper make-up crew!

(just then Peter Jackson makes a suprise cameo by eating a carrot and tossing it into the firey chasam)

Galadriel:Ahem as I was saying Sauron the dark lord had crushed most of the opposition with use of the ONE RING and also created a form of pollution that still remains over many cities today. then only called stuff like the shadow of Sauron now called SMOG! In a great battle to smite the enemy Gil-galad was instead smitten. At the death of his father ,Elindil, Isildur came face to face with thew enemy...

Isildur:My fathers sword may be broken but it can still do damage to that high priced French manicure of yours!\

Sauron:NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! anything but that. Take anything you want of mine but dont hurt my poor nails!

Isildur:OK how about your ring.

Sauron:Sure it is worthless to me! here it is

(pulls of the ring and with a last scream of OOPS! vanishes.)

Galadriel: The rest is history. He took the ring instead of destroying it. Is ambushed by orcs seeking to claim his ex.large cheeseburger and in an effort to save his burger puts the ring ont the burger so that it vanishes and tosses it into the river anduin. So he was slain for waisting the glorious sandwich and the legend of the ring began.

OK its up to you now to rewrite the next scene. (gandalf comes to the shire) have fun! smilies/biggrin.gif

[Meela]

This is the actual movie script, only re-written slightly to my own taste.


Gandalf: This film goes ever on and on, right from the boring scene where it began…

Frodo (runs over and trips on an unsuspecting mushroom) you're on time… how… where…

Gandalf: A wizard is never on time, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. Or late. Nor does he keep an alarm clock about his person to tell him when he’s overslept!

Frodo: well, I know what to get you for your birthday. How old will you be?

Gandalf: 27.

(They look at each other, trying to keep a straight face. Gandalf's mouth begins to twitch. They both laugh.)

(Frodo jumps onto his wagon, but trips and rolls off.)

Frodo: It's wonderful to see you, Gandalf! Even though I can’t actually see you right now!

Gandalf: You didn't think I'd miss your uncle Bilbo's birthday?

Frodo: Well, we didn’t put your name down on the presents list… So. What news of the outside world? Tell me everything.

Gandalf: Everything? You're far too eager and curious for a hobbit. Most unnatural... Well, what can I tell you? Life in the wide world goes on, much as it has these few minutes. Those people sat in the cinema must be falling asleep. Most of them will be scarcely aware of the existence of hobbits. For which I am very thankful…

Hobbit: (hides) Look! It's Gandalf!

(The other hobbits run and hide. Gandalf shrugs and moves on.)

Gandalf: Ooh - (Hobbits are seen putting up party tents) the long expected party. So how is the old rascal? I hear it's going to be a party of special magnificence.

Frodo: You know Bilbo. He's got the whole place in an uproar.

Gandalf: Now, well, that should please him.

Frodo: Half the Shire's been invited! And those trolls from up north! And those barbaric men from down south! And the entire squirrel population of Arnor!

Gandalf: Good gracious!

Frodo: He's up to something…

Gandalf: Hmm... well, I daresay you’ll find out soon enough. I know the audience can’t wait. But then, if I’d had to sit through this scene even I’d be ecstatic about a meaningless little party. But this party isn’t quite so meaningless as they think… (leans towards the camera and nods knowingly)

Frodo: All right then, keep your secrets. Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.

Gandalf: Indeed.

Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.

Gandalf: Oh, come off it, Frodo…

Frodo: Ok, there have been a few incidents…

Gandalf: (mutters) Oh, really?

Frodo: alright, a lot…

(Gandalf nods satisfied, then ducks as a bunch of hobbit kids run towards him.)

Gandalf: I’m not here… (Frodo nods and takes the reins)

Hobbit kids: Gandalf! Gandalf's not here! (they cheer)

Gandalf lets some fireworks out of the back of the wagon. Hobbit children scream. Gandalf laughs.

The wagon goes on a little bit farther, the Gandalf stops it for Frodo to get out.

Frodo: Gandalf - (Stands up and holds onto the post on the wagon) I'm glad you're back.

As Frodo prepares to jump off the wagon, Gandalf moves the cart forward a step. Frodo falls flat on his face.

Gandalf: (mutters to himself) Well, I'm not.

[mordor136]

LOL! I love it!I see no reason why we cannot post more than one scene after all it is my thread. In the words of another Barrow-downer(I'm bad with names) When they yell at me I'll stop but until then I'm brutally abusing my rights! In fact I'll think I'll do the next scene just because I had so much fun with the first one.

Gandalf Arrives at Bag-End

Gandalf's cart pulls into the two cart garage at Bag-End and our lovable wizard freind exits his cart and walks importantly to the round door.

Gandalf: (KNOCKS ON THE DOOR)

Bilbo: Go away we dont want any more visitors, well wishers or distant relations.

Gandalf: What about former telemarketers only wanting to take up your valuble time?

Bilbo: Well in that case (opens the door and in seeing his freind dashes the two feet to greet him) Its wonderful to see you Magneto!Where are the other X-men?

Gandalf: Bilbo..its gandalf the wizard and I've come to bully you into giving up your ring because I have a gut feeling that it will do well on E-bay.

Biblo: My ring? Whats wrong with my ring?

Gandalf: I belive it was made by Sauron the dark lord.

Bilbo: (Begins to do a very emotional scene in which he finally decides to give up the ring but stops) Hey dosent this take place after the party.

Gandalf: Oops! your script is different compared to miune. I must have lost my rewrite. Oh here they are... continue Bilbo.

Bilbo: Oh yes... Would you like to come inside Ian? I mean Gandalf!

Gandalf: Yes I would at that. (bumps head on door and lighting fixture) OW! I've got to stop doing that. So how do you feel?

Bilbo: Not well i feel like Soy butter scraped over too much whole wheat bread.

Gandalf: That is serious.

Biblo: Whats more I feel my ring has something to do with it.

Gandalf: DUH! I've known that for yea...(interupted by a knock on the door)

Bilbo: I'm not at home! All the Sackville Bagginses want is the house and I'll see that they dont get it! ALl in all Gandalf it will be a very interesting Party!(blows a smoke ship out of his ear)

Well whoever wishes to may pick it up with The party scene

[Linteamarthwen]

(gandalf and Bilbo sit outside Bagend and smoke there pipes)

Bilbo: I truly missed these nights of smoking the best weed in the Shire with you Gandalf! We should really do it more often.

Gandalf: But I must admitt my dear Bilbo, the weed is quite *addicting*. I've somewhat lost my mind since I first tasted the sweet stuff. Don't you agree.

Bilbo: Yes I do, I believe both of our minds were sharper in earlier years. (A moment of silence) Lets go to the party Gandalf.

Gandalf: (falls back and hits his head on the stoop of Bagend)

Bilbo: Oh dear! Come on Gandalf...not this again. I do say you should try to quit this smoking.

(Gandalf slowly stumbles up and walks to the party down below in the valley)

(Camera whipes to the party scene)

Some one can take on from there..... smilies/biggrin.gif

[TealDude4]

The party was splinded. Everyone was having a good time, when all of a sudden...

Frodo: Gandalf, some old guy in rags keeps asking for you. I think he's a begger. Do you want me to stick a cherry bomb in his...

Gandalf: We don't need any of that now. Just tell me where he is.

(Frodo points to a man standing next to the punch bowl)

Gandalf: Fool of a Baggins! That's Ragadast the Brown! If he asks about me again, tell him I'm not talking to him!

Frodo: Why?

Gandalf: Long story.

Frodo: Ok.

(Frodo walks up to Ragadast.)

Frodo: Hey, Ragadast! Gandalf's over there.

Ragadast: Finally! That back stabbing, cart stealing, good for nothing free-loader has a lot of explaining to do!

(Frodo walks of laughing maliciously while enjoying the party.)

Later, Bilbo gives his speech.

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Tooks, and every other last name I'm to intoxicated to remember. Today is my 111th birthday.

(Mild applause)

Bilbo: 111 years is far to short a time to live amongst such abmireble hobbits.

(Tremendous applause)

Bilbo: Acctually, I hate every singal one of you. You and your 2nd breakfasts and gardens!
And no casino! Not even a lottery! The elves have it so much better! Frankly, I'd be happy to be rid of the lot of you! Goodbye!

(Bilbo slips on the Ring, but nothing happens. The party starts grabing foldable chairs and waving them angryly.)

Bilbo: No! The batteries are dead!

)Bilbo reaches into his other pocket and gets some batteries. He puts them into the Ring before the mob could get him. Bilbo secretly walks off to Bag End.)

[ June 25, 2003: Message edited by: TealDude4 ]

[elfearz1]

Ok... I'm probably not that good, but I'll try my hand at this.

(scene cuts to Bag end, Bilbo is packing up his things and he stops to pet his porcelain cow, Gandalf clears his throat and Bilbo jumps)
Bilbo: oh..umm.. I was just..uh..
Gandalf: (looks embarassed) Uh... I just came to ask you something, what was it? Oh you think your funny don't you?
Bilbo:Come on Gandalf! Did you see their faces?
Gandalf: Yes, they looked like they were about to throw their folding chairs at you.
Bilbo:I know! That's it! I'm only buying energizer batteries from now on. (hops like a bunny for emphasis)
Gandalf: Well, lets cut to the chase I'm sick of dilly dalling around. Give up your ring and leave already.
Bilbo: ok (doesn't)
Gandalf: I said put it on the table you ninny goat!
Bilbo: What's a ninny goat?
Gandalf: just do it. (Bilbo starts to leave, throws ring over shoulder, not looking, it hits Gandalf in the head) oaf!!
Bilbo: (w/out looking behind him)you really should be more carefull your always hitting your head. (Gandalf groans, Bilbo stops at KFC and gets some Chicken wings for the road)
(cut back to Bag End Gandalf is sitting by the fire mumbling incoherently and smoking more pipe weed. Frodo runs in to tell Gandalf something, slips on the ring, trips over a chair and lands in a box of old things of bilbo's knocks over a broom that hits a something heavy that falls on top of the box trapping Frodo)
Gandalf: ah! Frodo my boy is that you?
Frodo: (muffled) hppp! hlllp!
Gandalf: EH???!?! Speak up boy, these ears are old!

What will happen to Frodo? Will Gandalf find him? What will happen to Bilbo's porcelain Cow? Why is there a KFC in the Shire? Find out next week! Same hobbit time, same hobbit channel!

ok, kinda dumb, but that's ok.

[ June 30, 2003: Message edited by: elfearz1 ]

[ June 30, 2003: Message edited by: elfearz1 ]

[Elennar Starfire]

Frodo manages to get the ring off, and Gandalf sees his foot sticking out of the pile of stuff.

Frodo:mutters several words which cause Gandalf to be very shocked.

Gandalf:Frodo! How many times have I told you not to swear?

Gandalf grabs Frodo's foot and pulls him out of the pile, covered in dust and looking extremely ticked off. Gandalf looks extremely ticked off as well. A fight starts, which results in Frodo leaving, after calling Gandalf many things which should not be repeated here. Sam, who was listening at the window, catches up to him and Frodo starts grumping about how unfair Gandalf was being.

Gandalf: Now the porcelain cow is mine! MUAHAHAHA! I shall rule the world!

ok, that was a little weird.

[Oddwen]

Fro: *grump* Herpem flallum phrazzazaz...
Sam: Mr. Frodo?
Fro: *slouch* Lally-lally hoom hoom burarum...
Sam: You're not going to take offence at what Gandalf did, are you? I mean, what's a porcelain cow anyway?
Fro: It's mine!
Sam: Maybe. But let's go back to Bag End, hmm? Maybe have a nice cup of hot cocoa?
Fro: Mmm...chocolate...
*they go back in*
Sam: Where'd Gandalf go?
Gandy: *grabbing both their shoulders* BOOGABOOGABOOGA!
*both hobbits scream*
Gandy: And that is how evil the Ring of Your Uncle Bilbo is.
Fro: Wow, I had no idea!
Gandy: And Sauron is sending his most feared servants...the I.R.S.!
Both hobbits: *gasp!*
Gandy: Oops, wrong servants. He is sending...The Nazgul!
Both hobbits: *blank stare*
Gandy: They're big and black and scary, and they scream like this! *WREEEE!!*
BH: *blank stare*
Gandy: Anyway, they're on their way here. I devined this while NOT talking to Radagast, my spotlight-stealing bird-talking Saruman's-pet of a cousin. *cough* I also found that Saruman wants me, sooooo...I guess you're on your own. Don't use the Ring! I think Your Uncle put in non-matching batteries, and it might explode or leak acid all over your new pants. So long! *rushes out the door*
Sam: Um...did you get that?
Fro: *zzzsnork* Huh? Oh, yeah sure. He chickened out.
Sam: *sigh* I guess it's up to hobbits to save the day again. *the two pack and leave*
Fro: Soo...where are we goin'?

I guess it doesn't make much sense. But I seem to be quite good at that. smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Mariska Greenleaf]

So, the two hobbits leave the Shire and have no idea where they are going.
When they are in the middle of a field, Sam suddenly holds still...

Sam:"This is it"
Frodo:"This is what?"
Sam:"If I take one more step, we'll have taken 23056 steps since we've left."
Frodo stares at Sam.
Sam:"And, of course, it will be the farthest away from home I ever was."
Frodo:"Come on Sam"

smilies/biggrin.gif

[elfearz1]

*sams frantaclly looking for frodo* Mr. Frodo???? Mr.Frodo???
Frodo(comes from out of some corn): I'm right here.
Sam: I thought I had lost you
Frodo: Sam, were still in the shire what could possibly happen
(stampeed of wargs runs through corn field narrowly missing Sam and Frodo)
Sam: I guess your right, I am probably worrying for nothing.
*frodo and sam continue walking and making casual conversation. Merry and Pippin walk out from the side of the corn field and greet the two hobbits*
Sam: AAAAAAAAH! See Frodo! I told you something could happen! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH- so Merry, Pippin how are you?
*all look confused*
Pip: well, we just stole some porcelain cows from farmer magget.
Sam:Hey, that's not right you should give them back *gets on soap box and lectures them for a while till Merry interupts*
Merry: We brought one back for you and Frodo
Sam: oh, well in that case...

(ok, that's all I have so far)
^*^ElfEarz^^*^

[ July 07, 2003: Message edited by: elfearz1 ]

[Theoric Windcaller]

(It's dusk).

Frodo: Anything?

Merry: Nothing...

Pippin: What's going on?

Merry: That black rider was lookin' for something... or someone... Frodo?

Frodo: Sorry, what? I wasn't listening.

Pippin: Get down!

(The Black Rider appears at the top of the hill.)

Frodo: I must leave the Shire and go to... uh... go to... uh.

Sam: Bree.

(Frodo points at Sam.)

Frodo: That's it.

Merry: Buckleberry Ferry on three, you count Frodo.

Frodo: 1... 2... 5!

Sam: 3 sir!

Frodo: 3!

(The Black Rider charges and Frodo and Sam.)

Merry: Follow me, I know the way!

(Merry runs to the edge of the dock, trips on a loose board and falls into the water.)

Sam: Run, Frodo! Run!

Frodo: Go! Forget Merry!

(They cast off)

Frodo: How far to the nearest crossing?

Merry: Brandywine Bridge, 20 inches away.

[Oddwen]

M: At least, it used to be twenty inches. Right about now it would be closer to twelve...nine...eleven...four...uh, yeah.
S: Three, sir.
*crash!*
P: Merry? We're there!
*they walk up to the gate*
Gatekeeper: Eh? 'Oo goes thaya?
Fro: None of your beeswax!
Gatekeep: What's yer business?
Fro: None of your beeswax!
GK: Where ya goin'?
Fro: Beehives, to get beeswax!
GK: You youngun's sure rude!
Fro: BUZZ OFF!
Sam: That's tellin' him, Mr. Frodo!
GK: Fine! Doggone whippersnappers...
*the Hobbits enter warily*
Pip: Where are we going?
Fro: I believe Gandalf told us to go to the "Porcelain Cow", or some such inn. I wasn't listening.
Merry: Eenie Meenie Minie Mo, anyone?

[Theoric Windcaller]

(The Hobbits step into the Porcelain Cow. Everyone stares at them.)

Barliman: Good evenin' little masters! If you're seekin' accomodation, we uh... don't have any rooms, but can I get you a drink, Mr...?

Frodo: Baggins.

(Sam punches his arm.)

Frodo: Ouch, Underhill, I mean Underhill...

Barliman: right...

Frodo: We're friends of Gandalf the Gay... I mean Grey. Can you tell him we've arrived?

Barliman: Gandalf? Gandalf? Oh yes... I remember-elderly chap. Multi-colored beard, dressed like a clown, small hands and he smelt like cabbage. Not seen him for a while.

Sam: What do we do now?

Frodo: Go get drunk and let Pippin tell everyone my real name.

Merry: OK!

Pippin: What's that?

Merry: This, my friend, is a quart.

Pippin: It comes in quarts? I'm getting one.

Frodo: Excuse me? That man in the corner - who is he?

Butterbur: He's one of them circus folk, dangerous they are, wanderin' the circus's. What his right name is I've never 'eard, but 'round here he's known as Jimmy.

Frodo: Jimmy...

(Frodo sort of zones out, fingering the ring in his hands
hearing a voice saying: "Baggins... Baggins... Baggins...")

Pippin: Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins - he's over there.
Frodo Baggins. He's my cousin's, sister's, brother's, father's, wife's, roomate's, aunt's, uncle's, son.

(Frodo is horrified and jumps up to rush over to the bar to get Pippin to stop talking)

Frodo: Pippin, shut up!!

Pippin: ...

[Aragost]

Suddenly Frodo Falls an his back and the ring slips out of his pocket and latches itself to frodos foot hairs. Frodo dissapears and looks behind him and sees a giant PBS logo talking to him. It's words were,"I am Ozzy Osborne." Frodo suddenly takes off the ring in a corner of the Porcelain cow and Jimmy grabs him saying

"You draw too much attension to your self Mr.- What did you say your name was again

"Uhhhh-Bond, James Bond"

Jimmy takes him upto a room and suddenly sam merry and pippin come in armed with extension cords ready to srtangle the strange circus man.

Jimmy says you have a tall heart moderatly sized hobbit but that will not save you I know what hunts you.

[TealDude4]

Jimmy takes Frodo and the hobbits to a bedroom to keep them safe. Frodo asks Jimmy many questions.

Frodo: So... who exactly are you?

Jimmy: Ok, my name isn't really Jimmy. It was just a disguise. It's also may second job. Jimmy the Strangely Tall Clown. I use to be with the circus. I got fired today.

Frodo: The circus, huh? I think you were at Bilbo's birthday party. Weren't you the weird guy who was in the tree hidding from hobbit children with Gandalf’s sparklers?

Jimmy: *rolls his eyes in annoyance* Yes, that was me.

The other hobbits giggle like school-girls.

Jimmy: Shut up! So, those were Gandalf’s. Oh well. At least he’ll never know that I told Ragadast he would be there. *Simles maliciously*

Sam: Whats up with Gandalf and Ragadast anyway? And how do you know Gandalf? I why isn’t he here? And what is your name if we are not to call you Jimmy? And what are those hideous black creatures outside our window? *eyes Jimmy suspiciously*

Jimmy: The answer to your first question. You should never meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they get very p**sy. Your second question. Gandalf is a long time friend and companion. Your third question. I don’t know why…

Jimmy looks out the window in horror.

Jimmy: NAZGUL!!! *gives out a loud girly scream*

Jimmy picks up an M16 and starts shooting out the window with it. The Nazgul fall to the ground. They all look out the window.

Pippin: What was that?

Jimmy: They are the Nazgul. Many years ago, the Dark Lord Sauron gave to them 9 rings of power. Blinded by there greed they took them without question. Now they are slaves to his will. They will never stop hunting you, until they have the ring.

Pippin: No. I mean that. *points at the M16*

Jimmy: Oh, this? Don’t know. Found it on the ground. *uncomfortable pause* Get some sleep.

The next morning they woke up. They got a pony and are ready to go.

Merry: What do we do with the gun thingy.

Jimmy: Leave it. It may be a tool of the Dark Lord.

Merry: Ok. *looks around and hides the gun in his bag. Walks away wistling*

[ July 09, 2003: Message edited by: TealDude4 ]

[ July 09, 2003: Message edited by: TealDude4 ]

[Meneltarmacil]

Hey, you skipped a very important scene back there. I'll parody it...

*Gandalf arrives at Isengard*

SARUMAN: Smoke rises from the Mountain of Fire, the hour draws late, Gandalf the Gray rides to Isengard seeking my council, and MY COFFEE STILL ISN'T DONE!!!

ORC: OK, masster, here'ssss youurrrr coffeeee, don't hurt meeee...

SARUMAN: Thank you. I can never get through the day without it.

GANDALF: *ahem* What is that orc doing here?
*the orc hides*

SARUMAN: OOPS! You -uh- weren't supposed to see that. OH, I mean, uh, for that is why you have come, is it not? My old friend...

GANDALF: It was right there, under my very nose...

SARUMAN: And you did not have the wit to see it? Your love of the Halflings' leaf has clearly slowed your mind....

GANDALF: Yes, I believe it has. In fact *hehehehe* I'm rather *hahahaha* high on it *hoohoohoohoo* right now.

PJ: CUT!!!!!!!!!! Ian, you weren't really supposed to smoke it!

GANDALF: *heeheeheeheehee*

PJ: *sigh* OK, I guess we'll take a short break here...

(Before you do the next scene with Aragorn and the Hobbits, please be so kind as to finish this one, OK?)

[Meneltarmacil]

Since I started the Orthanc scene parody, maybe I should finish it. Here goes...
(Saruman's study inside Orthanc)
SARUMAN: Sauron has regained much of his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Mordor sees all... His gaze pierces clouds, shadow, earth and flesh.
GANDALF: You mean he can see me when I dress in drag and sing "Oops I Did It Again"?
SARUMAN: What did you just say?!!!
GANDALF: Uhh, nothing, nothing!
SARUMAN: OK, as I was saying before, he is gathering all evil to him. Very soon he will have summoned an army great enough to launch an assault on Middle Earth.
GANDALF: You know this? How?
SARUMAN: I have seen it...
*they go into Saruman's throne room*
GANDALF: A Palantir is a dangerous tool, Saruman.
SARUMAN: Why? Why should we fear to use it? Everybody's doing it. It's kind of the new wave. Plus I got mine at half price!
GANDALF: They are not all accounted for, the lost Seeing Stones. We do not know who else got theirs for half price.
SARUMAN: The IRS have left Minas Morgul. Thy will find the Ring, and force the one who carries it to fill out endless forms!
GANDALF: Frodo!
*he tries to leave, but Saruman shuts all the doors*
SARUMAN: We must join with him. We must join with Sauron. It would be wise, my friend...
GANDALF: Tell me, "friend", when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?
SARUMAN: AAAAAH!
*suddenly, the theme from "The Matrix" plays and they both attack each other with impossible martial arts moves. The whole room becomes a blur*
*Gandalf snatches Saruman's staff*
SARUMAN: Hey! I'm supposed to steal YOUR staff! You messed it up again!
PJ: Cut! Let's try that one again!
SARUMAN*pulls out lightsaber*: You will join the Dark Side...
PJ: Cut! Wrong movie! This is NOT Attack of the Clones, and you are NOT Count Dooku!
SARUMAN: Grrrrr.. Oh, I mean *snatches Gandalf's staff* I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected a way of... PAIN!
*sends Gandalf to the top of the tower*

[Sauron_the_Abhorred]

can i try the aragorn/jimmy and hobbits scene......

SAM: Who is this Jimmy, and where is he taking us?
Jimmy: To Candy-Land, Master Gamee, to the house of Saddam Hussein, where he will tell us about his WMD(blank stare from hobbits)....and youre ring, Frodo....
SAM: ok.....


ok, sorry taht was short and stupid
smilies/smile.gif

[ July 14, 2003: Message edited by: Sauron_the_Abhorred ]

[Meneltarmacil]

OK, in my opinion, we have had enough of this Jimmy guy. I'm calling him Aragorn in this post.

ARAGORN: This is the great watchtower of Amon Sul. We shall rest here for the night.
*he gives them the swords and leaves*
FRODO: What are you doing?!!!!
MERRY: Ordering a pizza from Dominoes. What do you want on it?
FRODO: Hang up, you fools, hang up!
*they see several dark shapes approaching and run up to the top*
*suddenly five men in expensive suits close in on them*
FRODO: Oh no! Politicians!
POLITICIAN: Blah blah blah blah blah.
PIPPIN: I think he's asking for a campaign contribution.
SAM: Back you devils!
*they fight*
*Frodo puts on the ring*
*the politicians now look like brainless zombies (which they are in real life smilies/biggrin.gif )*
POLITICIAN:Blah blah blah blah blah blah. *stabs Frodo*
*Aragorn leaps in and gives them a sheet of paper*
*they read it*
POLITICIAN: WREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
*they run off*
MERRY: What did you DO?!!
ARAGORN: Cut off all their campaign funding.
*examines Frodo*
ARAGORN: He has been stabbed by a Political Blade. This is beyond my skill to heal. He will soon start wearing an expensive suit and trying to run for office.

Sorry, that was the best I could come up with...

[elfearz1]

Sauron_the_Abhorred and Menel, I thought yours were really good. hahahaha politicians.

*Aragorn grabs Frodo and takes him near the trolls where he sets him down*
Sam: Look mr. Frodo it's Bilbo's campaign managers , that he ran into.
Aragorn: Sam, do you know what a Lawyer is?
Sam: Lawyer?
Aragorn: most people call them scum...
Sam: Scum, lawyer, ah it's a parasite
Aragorn: It may help to slow the poison.. *hands him a torch and sam runs off*
*Aragorn goes off and finds a lawyer*
*stoops to it's level (haha smilies/evil.gif)*
*Arwen puts her sword under his chin*
Arwen:Your talking to a Lawyer? What's this a Ranger caught off his rocker

[Sauron_the_Abhorred]

thanks, elfearz1, that was my first try(explains how short it was) i will try again.... smilies/evil.gif


Zoom in on Frodo's face, and everything turs black.

ARWEN(in Sindarin): Frodo, I am Arwen. Listen to me, we will get you a lawyer, so you can sue those politicians. You will earn money and be able to pay my father so he can heal you.You shall NOT become a politician.
Merry: Who is she?
Sam: SHes an Elf!!!
Arwen(sindarin): Jimmy( smilies/evil.gif ) I must take him to my father, he[Frodo] is in need of a lawyer. My father can get him one, for his lawyer knows terrific ones.
JIMMY: Wait why does your dad need a lawyer?
ARWEN: So he can sue Bush, whaddya think?
Merry: What are they saying?
SAM: I don't know, something about their feet.
Arwen takes off with Frodo.
SAM: What are you doing, those Politicians are still out there!

[Meneltarmacil]

Since I'm apparently the unofficial "Saruman" parody guy, here's the next part.

(Orthanc)
*After the moth flies up to Gandalf, Saruman is shown ripping down trees and breeding his army*
(later)
SARUMAN: The friendship with Saruman is not lightly thrown aside. One ill turn deserves another... It is over. Embrace the power of the Ring, or embrace your own destruction!

*Gandalf leaps off the tower, but misses Gwaihir*

GANDALF: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...
*thud*

(author's note: No, he isn't really dead) smilies/smile.gif

[ July 19, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Airehiriel]

Mind if I join in? ... I'll take that as a yes! smilies/biggrin.gif

********************************
Scene leaves the falling Gandalf to focus on a waking Frodo in Rivendell.

Frodo: Where am I?

Gandalf: Hmm, what?

Gandalf rolls over and looks at Frodo.

Oh, sorry! Just napping...

He jumps from the bed and into the chair, then clears his throat.

You are in the house of Elrond, and it is 10 o'clock in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know.

Frodo: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Yes, I'm here. And you're lucky to be here too. A few more hours, and you would would have been on the campaign trail. But you had some strength in you, my dear Hobbit.

Frodo smiles at Gandalf, but then his smile fades.

Frodo: What happened, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us? Why weren't you at the Porceline Cow?

Gandalf: Oh, I'm sorry Frodo. I was delayed.
_____________________________________
Gandalf has a flash back of falling down the Tower of Orthanc. He lands face first on the dirt. He lies there for a moment, then he lifts his head and spits dirt from his mouth. He jumps up and waves madly at the giant eagle. Gwaihir swoops down with lightening speed and grabs Gandalf in his talons.

Gandalf: It is me! Gandalf! Gandalf! I'm not prey, not food!!!

Gwaihir hears Gandalf and proceeds to drop him off, rather unceremoniously, on the nearest mountain top.
_____________________________________
Frodo: Gandalf? Are you high again?

Gandalf: Nothing, Frodo. Uh, I mean, no, Frodo.

Sam runs in, squealing like a girl.

Sam: Frodo! Frodo!

Frodo rolls his eyes, but then quickly conceals it with a big, fake smile.

Frodo: Sam!

Sam grabs Frodo in a strangle hold and tossels his hair in a noogie fashion.

Sam: Bless you, you're awake!

Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side. He hasn't bathed in three days!

Frodo catches the scent as his head is under Sam's armpit.

Frodo: Blecch! I can tell!

Sam releases Frodo. His hair is a wild mess.

Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond, you're beginning to mend.

Frodo glances at the tall elf standing beside Gandalf's chair. He is dressed in typical elf clothing, yet he wears dark sunglasses.

Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Baggins.

Frodo gives Elrond an uneasy smile.

[Meneltarmacil]

Hmmm... another important scene has been skipped... *sigh* I won't complain, though, I'll just do it now...

(Arwen is fleeing from all the Politicians)
*they reach the river*

POLITICIAN: Blah blah blah blah blah.
ARWEN: If you want him, come and claim him!
*the politicians charge across the river*
ARWEN: Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer: Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulaer!
*nothing happens*
ARWEN(louder): Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer: Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulaer!
*nothing happens and the politicians are almost on the other side*
ARWEN: Geez, why did the batteries have to run out NOW?!

Finally, just in the nick of time, Elrond's lawyer shows up and quite literally sues the pants off them smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/evil.gif

ARWEN: Frodo! No, don't give in! Not now!
FRODO: Blah blah blah blah blah.
ARWEN: What grace has given me, let it pass to him. Let him be spared. Save him.

[ July 16, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Leona]

Okay, anyone who has read any of my other posts knows I'm not funny, at all, so for your sake, and mine, I'm not even going to try this, I'd probably end up injuring someone untimely or something like that.

Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate all of you for doing an awsome job, and keep it up, this is funny.

[Oddwen]

Thank you, Leona!
Just a little tidbit here...


Arwen: ...Let him be spared...

*fuzzy hallucination of a man in sunglasses*

Agent E: "Mistur Baaagins. Surprised to see me?"

Fro: AHH!

(Airehiriel's post should be here)

*abruptly scene changes to Frodo and Sam walking slow-mo around Rivendell*

Music: la la la...all is peaceful...go to sleep...sleep would feel really good...

Director: What? Who's in charge of music?

Old Man Willow: Well I intend to have some part of this movie!

*Frodo walks past a bush and gets his hair caught in a twig. Many minutes of he and Sam getting it unstuck*

*walking wobbily on, the two are suddenly run into by hobbits carrying vegetables...didn't we already do this scene?*

Pip: Weeee'reee sooooo gllaaaadd tooooo seeee yoooouuuu uuuupp Froooooodooooooo...

Sam: Ooooohhhh noooooo weeee'reee stuuuuuck innn sloooo-moooo!!!!!!

*Bilbo runs up. Slow-mo stops, thank goodness!*

Bilbo: Frodo my lad!

Fro: Oh, Uncle Bilbo! You saved us from the evil Directors and their plot!

B: I want you to take a look at my book. It's almost finished, you know.

F: Wow...spiffy! Hey, these drawings are in crayon! THAT'S where my crayons went!

B: My dear boy...*strokes his cheek fondly* You can't play with toys all your life. *watches Merry and Pippin and Sam jump roping*

B: Ah, what the heck. You're only young once. Let's join them!

*the two run off joyfully*

Ok, and the next scene would be....Gandalf and Elrond's discussion.

Agent E *watching the hobbits jump roping*: His strength returns.

Gandy: And we missed the chance at his wallet! How many times have I told you...

AE: His wound is healed. The world of politics has no longer any appeal to him. But he may be longwinded at times.

G: Hmph. I still say...

AE: What is this you tell me of Saruman? Our list of allies grows THEEN!

G: Well, we've still got elves.

*music swells, Legolas rides in and stops abruptly. Is thrown headlong off the horse*

AE: Nope! Not on my watch! We're goin' home! Beyond the sea! Over the river and through the woods, to Valinor we go! La da de da da da la de da da da da...

G: Uhh, dwarves?

*Gimli and co. walk in grumpily*

AE: Eew, what are you? Some sort of sicko?

G: Uhhhhhhhhhhh..................Hobbits?

Hobbits still jump roping: One, two, buckle my shoe...

AE: Are you deaf as well as dumb? I SAID our list of allies grows THEEN!

G: Hmm. It seems there was another race...but no matter.

Aragorn (from the sidelines): A-HEM!

G: Hmm? Oh! Men! *cough* *in a grand voice* It is in Men we must put our trust.

AE: Men? Men are weak. Men...are a virusssss, a disease, a cancer of our planet.

G: Boy, who woke up on the wrong side of the flet this morning?

AE: I was there, Gandalf. I was there...quite a long time ago. Isildur
took the Ring.

*flashback*
Elrond: *grandly and dramatically swinging his arms* Cast it into the fire!

Isildur: *dazed deer in the headlights look*

Elrond: *even more grandly* Destroy it!

Isildur: *slow-mo* Nooo... *he walks off*

Elrond: *slow-mo* ISIIIIIIIILLLLLLDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRR!!*

*end flashback*

G: Woah, dude! You've got to stay out of those slow-mo scenes because they do NOT help at all.

AE: The world of Men is failing. It will fall into ruins. Bwahaha.

G: Yeah, but there's one guy, right? One who could reclaim the throne of Gondor?

*music swells, camera switches to man riding into Rivendell on a horse*

Boromir: Hey, this isn't Osgili-

*abrupt music stop*

Director: Wait, wait! Boromir, not yet!

B: Oh, oops. Sorry.

G: Where was I? Oh. One who could reclaim the throne of Gondor.

*music swells. Aragorn walks down some stairs slow-mo, trips on a roller skate that some careless elf left about. Continues falling in slow-mo for several minutes.*

G: Nevermind. We're all doomed.


Next scene is...the meeting between Borrums and Aragorn. Ooh, I'd like to get my claws into that... smilies/evil.gif

[ July 17, 2003: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Meela]

Boromir walks into the library and sees Aragorn.

Boromir: So... you here alone?

Aragorn: Don't even think about it. I'm engaged.

Boromir hastily turns to admire the picture on the wall.

Boromir: Oooh... *runs over to the Shards of Narsil and picks up the hilt*

Boromir (singing): Here I am! In Rivendell! *strums the hilt like a guitar* With this! Grumpy old man!! *more strumming*

Aragorn: Watch who you're calling old!

Boromir pouts, throws down the hilt, and walks out.

Arwen swans in and begins to massage Aragorn's shoulders.

Arwen: Don't listen to him, sweetie. Come with me! I found a new breed of frog in the river!

Aragorn: oooh! *follows her out*


On the bridge....

Arwen picks up a frog and strokes it.

Arwen: Do you remember when we caught our first frog together?

Aragorn: I thought I had strayed into a wildlife park.

Arwen: Long years have passed, and I haven't seen a single frog in these parts. Until now *smiles*

Aragorn: What was it you said to me... oh yeah, if it's back is lumpy, it's poisonous.

Arwen: And...

Aragorn: Oh, and that we should set up our own wildlife park.

Arwen: And to that I hold. I would rather share a dozen acres of soggy marshland with you than share a thousand green fields with my family.

Aragorn: Listen honey, that's very nice. But I gotta go.

Arwen: Oh, wait... *searches her pockets and produces the Evenstar* this is for you. It's to remind you of me. It croaks like a frog. *the Evenstar croaks out an elven frog song of some sort*

Aragorn: Honey, it's... lovely. Look, I'll call you, okay? *dashes off*

[Airehiriel]

Meela, I can't belive you stopped! Isn't it time for the Council of Elrond scene that you love doing so much? I'm half tempted to do it now! But I won't because I know how much you love it.

So, take it away, Meela!

[Meneltarmacil]

To Meela: I know, this is part of the Council of Elrond smilies/eek.gif, but it won't interfere with your parody. Just watch.

(the Council of Elrond)

AGENT ELROND: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old...
*suddenly everybody's cell phones ring*
AGENT ELROND: You've been summoned here to...
(everybody at once): I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M ON THE PHONE!!!!
(several minutes later)
AGENT ELROND: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted smilies/mad.gif ....

*insert Meela's scene HERE smilies/smile.gif *

[Airehiriel]

Oh, that sounds like a very bad thing Meela. I shall try to be patient...(heavy sigh) but patience is just not one of my virtues. I may have to eat my hand while I wait...(now where on earth did THAT come from?!) I'd better go now before I say anything else.

[Firondoiel]

These are so funny! I'll have to try one after Meela's greatly anticipated "Council of Elrond." smilies/biggrin.gif

"Boromir: Hey, this isn't Osgili-"

hehehe. I'm so glad you put that in!! I loved that scene in Crazy Scenes with Pictures! When I was watching POTC I died laughing when the two pirates break into the prison and exclaim, "This ain't the armoury!" All I could say was "This isn't Osgiliath!" I got some strange looks! smilies/biggrin.gif

[Meela]

To be re-added at a date.

[Meneltarmacil]

That was very...ah...interesting, Meela. smilies/eek.gif
Oh, anyway...

BILBO: My old sword, Sting. Here, take it, take it!
FRODO:*drops it* Ungh, it's so heavy!
BILBO: Oops, wrong sword.*gives him another one*
FRODO: That's better.
BILBO: The blade glows a bright neon pink when orcs are close. Here's something else *pulls out chainmail shirt* Mithril. Light as a feather, and as hard as dragon's scales. Here, let me see you put it on.
*Frodo unbuttons his shirt and reveals the ring*
BILBO: My old ring! I should very much like to hold it again..EYAAAAHHHH!!!
*he jumps at Frodo, foaming at the mouth and growling like a rabid dog*
*three security elves just barely manage to pry him off Frodo*

Please be so kind as to save the Balrog scene for me, OK?

[ July 20, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Oddwen]

Very...interesting Meela. But you forgot one leedle important thing!

Agent E *the next day, rather hungover*: The company accompanying the Ringbearer shall be nine...the nine loudest people here...ouch.

Pip *loudly*: Where are we going???? Will there be mushrooms??!??

AE: Get him out of here! My poor head...

Eef you do not mindt, I shall pree-form-a a scene from-a the extended edition-a

Agent E: Well, that's it. We elves have committed the ultimate error and are sending a merry troupe of fools on a fool's errand-I mean the Ringbearer is setting out on his hopeless quest! On him alone is any blame if you fail!

*Fro clears his throat nervously*

AE: Moreover, the rest of you are not going to be forced to go any further than you will!

*The eight look at each other, then at various elf-maidens gathered in the crowd. They saunter caaaaaasually and try to mingle*

AE: Holllllld it!

*the eight freeze*

AE (Barney Fife style): Get back here!

*the eight slink back*

AE: Off with ya already!

*the nine leave. Aragorn looks back at Arwen, who looks as if she's about to cry*

Aragorn: Do not worry, my sweet! Soon we shall be together, and no murky bog will tear us apart!

Arwen: What? Oh, Finduilas, hand me another onion...boy these are good!

Aragorn: *twitch*

Meanwhile, just outside...

Fro: Gandalf, which way? Right or left?

Gandy: Umm, turn in the same direction as Legolas's bad ear.

Leggy: Hey! *sobs*

Gandy: Oops! My bad. *sniggers evilly*


The Crebain etc. scene is next...

[Sauron_the_Abhorred]

i guess I'll go next... smilies/smile.gif

Boromir is helping hobbits sword-fight. HE starts fighting Merry and all of a sudden, the scene changes to the James Bond "Die Another Day" scene, where Pierce B. is sword fighting the other dude( smilies/rolleyes.gif ). After scene, swithback to FotR.

MERRY:Wow Borrums, you can fight.
BOR: Thank you.
FRODO(spotting the birds): What is that?
GIMLI: Nothing, ist just a bit of cotton candy that Elrond must have let off for us!!!
BOR: Its moving fast, and against the wind.
LEGOLAS: Crebain, from FUNLAND!!!!
GANDALF: Hide.
Everyone proceeds to hide.
After Crebain leave:
FRODO: Cool, they left us TOYS!!!!!!
SAM:Alright,there's even BARBIE DOLLS, YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Meneltarmacil]

So the next scene is... the Pass of Caradhras. Unfortunately, my mind is completely blank. However, I'd already thought of a good idea for the Balrog scene at Khazad Dum... smilies/evil.gif .

[Oddwen]

*the nine come out of their hiding places*
Gandalf *grandly*: Spies of Saruman! We are being watched!

Aragorn: No duh!

Gandy: We must take the paths of Caradhras!

*fancy camera zoom-in and ultra-dramatic music plays*

*Frodo struggles bravely up the hill. Boromir randomly sticks his foot out and trips him. The poor hobbit tumbles down the hill, turning into a giant snowball as he goes and takes Aragorn out*

Aragorn: Stupid fat hobbit! Watch where you're going!

Frodo *digging furiously*: I can't find the Ring! Help help!

*the nine spend all day looking for it*

Leggy: It's hopeless! We are doomed! Alas! *sob*

Fro: Oh, wait! Here it is! It was around my neck all the time! Heh heh, strange chances of the world, eh?

*Boromir thumps him soundly on the head. The rest of the nine ignore him for some hours. They continue upward*

*Unfortunately, the snow seems to grow wilder the higher they get. The eight are annoyed to see that the Elf can walk upon the snow*

Leggy: Pbbbllttt!!

Aragorn (shaking his fist): I'll get you, elf, if it's the last thing I do!

Frodo: You dropped me...again!

Leggy (who has walked ahead): There is a fell voice on the air!

Gandalf: What fell on your hair?

Leggy: No, an evil sounding voice!

Boromir: An anvil fell upon your hair?

Leggy: No! Something evil this way comes!

Gandy: What?

Leggy: IT IS SARUMAAAAAN!!!!

*A flyover of Orthanc. Saruman is standing atop the tower tapdancing and singing opera, which is very hard to do, needless to say. Once again with the fellowship, lightning suddenly strikes the overhanging snowbank above their heads and sends it tumbling down*

All: AAHHHHmMMppphh!

The end.

Next scene...fanclub credits.

[ July 21, 2003: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Oddwen]

Heh heh...couldn't resist. My brother always breaks in with "The End" at that moment.
On with it, then!

*the fellowship manage to dig themselves out*

Boromir: Gandalf! We must get out of here!

Gandy: I don't know. I kinda like it here.

Aragorn: It will be the death of the hobbits!

Pip: I dunno. I kinda like it too.

Merry (thumps his head): Speak for yourself, rodent!

Aragorn: We must stop at the Gap of Rohan! They are having a summer sale!

Gandy: In January??

Fro: Has anyone seen my toes?

Borrums: No! We must take the Ring...........bearer to my city!

Gimli: No! Moria!

Sam: I hanp peew mi ipps!

Merry: Sacrifice the Ringbearer to the Mountain-god!

Gandy: So, here are our options.
1: Stay here and freeze.
2: Go to the Gap of Rohan and shop 'til we drop.
3: Go to Minas Tirith and let the evil Steward's family get ahold of the Ring.
4: Go to a deep dark dank doggoned dungeonous hole in the ground where there are certain to be orcs and lots of other nasty things.
5: Sacrifice the Ringbearer to appease the Mountain-god.
6: Wash our hair.
Did I leave anything out?

Fro (thinking): Boy, what a responsibility!

All: Let the Ringbearer decide!

Fro: Ulp!

That's as far as my imagination can take me at the moment...next scene is Fro's decision and a Journey in the Dark.

[Meneltarmacil]

SARUMAN: Moria... You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep.You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad Dum.
*turns page in book*
*page shows an illustration of a Britney Spears concert smilies/eek.gif smilies/eek.gif smilies/eek.gif*
GANDALF: Let the Ringbearer decide.
FRODO: *ulp*
*"Final Jeopardy" music plays*
FRODO: Let's all stay here and freeze to death. And get rid of Bill the Pony while we're at it.
ARAGORN: Hey! That's not in the script!
FRODO(looking at script): OH! Er.. I mean.. We will go through the mines.

(NOTE: Make sure you get the Fellowship to the Bridge of Khazad Dum before July 26 so I won't keep you waiting for the Balrog/Gandalf scene. I won't be able to get online from then until August 1.)

[ July 21, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Meneltarmacil]

OK, maybe I'll do another scene...

GIMLI: The walls of Moria!
ARAGORN: The mines are no place for a pony. Go on, Bill. Don't worry, he knows the way home.
*loud crashing noise in the distance as Bill falls off a cliff*
ARAGORN: Or maybe not.
GANDALF: Isildim... It mirrors only starlight and moonlight...
*the door starts glowing a bright neon pink*
GANDALF Annon edhellen! Edro hi ammen!
*nothing*
Meanwhile...
BOROMIR: I was going to write a letter to Elrond saying which way we've gone, but I don't know the Elvish word for "friend".
ARAGORN(as Gandalf is pushing the doors): Mellon.
Just as Gandalf had put his full weight against the doors, they open. He loses his balance and falls on his face.

Next scene is... The Watcher in the Water.

[elfearz1]

If I'm doing to many scenes feel free to tell me to shut up smilies/smile.gif

*Pippin is throwing rocks in the water*
Aragorn: do not disturb the water *grabs his hand
Pippin: But why?
Aragorn: because I said so
Pip: but you never gave me a good reason. huh? why? why? why?
*Aragorn picks up Pip and throws him in the water. Then steps over Gandalf and enters the mine. All follow with Frodo and Pippin in the back.*

[Lëowen]

*Fellowship walks through the gates of Moria-suddenly the Watcher in the Water grabs Frodo*

Pip: Frodo! Frodo! Where are you going?

Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

*Legolas starts shooting arrows while Jimmy slashes at the Watcher with his sword. Out of the gloom, Boromir comes charging out*

Boromir smilies/frown.gifyou have to have read Make your own crazy Scene with Pics to get this)SSSSSSQQQQUUUUIIIIDDDD!!!!!!!

*Boromir lunges at the Watcher with a fork and knife*

[Elennar Starfire]

Boromir eats the watcher in the water.
The fellowship enter the mines of Moria.

Boromir:*belches loudly*

The door collapses.

Gandalf: Fool of a... oops, wrong person.
You idiot! now we can't get out, and who knows what heard you!

That's all I can think of for now, sorry it's so short.

[Meneltarmacil]

*they walk through Moria for a while, Gandalf gets lost.*

GANDALF: I have no memory of this place...
FRODO: Would it kill you to ask for directions?
GANDALF: NEVER!!!! A wizard does not ask for directions! He ALWAYS knows exactly where he is!
FRODO: Then how come you're lost?
GANDALF: Am not!
FRODO: Are too!
GANDALF: Am not!
FRODO: Are too!
(several hours later)
GANDALF: Am not.. Wait! It's that way! I knew it all along! And YOU said I was lost!
GIMLI: Ohh! *sees Balin's grave and then starts bawling like a little girl*
LEGOLAS: It's okay.. don't cry...*hugs Gimli*
*Aragorn and Boromir start looking at him strangely*
*Pippin knocks the skeleton into the well, etc.*
GANDALF: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!
ARAGORN: I second the motion!
BOROMIR: Me too!
GANDALF: *sigh*
*Boromir looks out the doorway*
*he gets shot with an arrow*
BOROMIR: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH *dies*
PJ: Cut! What was that?!
BOROMIR: Well, you SAID I was supposed to die in this movie, so...
PJ: Not YET!!!
BOROMIR: Oh, if you insist... *comes back to life* They have a cave troll!

[the guy who be short]

Gimli: Let them come. There is one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws pretty pictures.

Pippin throws himself into the hole, following Gandalf's earlier advice. Merry, Frodo and Sam follow suite.
The rest of the fellowship jump into the hole. They all land in a pile on the ground. Somehow, Frodo is on the bottom of the pile instead of Pippin.
Everybody except Frodo gets up.

Sam: Frodo? Frodo!

Aragorn: Oh, no.

As he turns him over. Frodo groans...

Sam: He's alive!

Rest: Damn.

Frodo: I'm alright. I'm not hurt.

Aragorn: You should be dead.
The impact of the fall, then all of us landing on you would have squished a wild Boar into some form of edible mush.

Gandalf: I think there's more to this Hobbit than meets the eye.

Frodo reveals his Mithril.

Gimli: Mithril! You are full of surprises, Master Baggins!

Gandalf looks around him.

Gandalf: How handy. We're on the bridge.

[ July 24, 2003: Message edited by: the guy who be short ]

[ July 24, 2003: Message edited by: the guy who be short ]

[Meneltarmacil]

How handy. We're on the bridge.
I'm going to change that to the stairs with the big break in them, just so I can have some fun with that.

GANDALF: Ah, now all we have to do is...
RRRRROOOOAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRR!!!!
BOROMIR: What is this new devilry?
GANDALF: A Balrog. This foe is beyond any of you...
ARAGORN: So what should we do?
GANDALF: RUN! Oh, all except Pippin. You stay here.
PIPPIN: HEY!! *runs anyway*
*Legolas and Gandalf jump over the break in the stairs*
*Boromir throws Merry to them, but throws Pippin over the side into the abyss.*
*Somehow Pippin appears on the other side anyway*
GANDALF: *sigh*
*Boromir jumps, then Aragorn tosses Sam*
GIMLI: Nobody tosses a dwarf! EYAAAAAH!
*Legolas catches him by the beard*
GIMLI: AAAH! Not the beard!
LEGOLAS: Fine then. *lets go*
*Gimli manages to pull himself up*
GIMLI: *mutters something nasty about elves*
*Aragorn and Frodo manage to get across*
*the Fellowship comes to the bridge*
BALROG: RRRROOOOOAAAAWWWWRRRR!!!!
GANDALF: You cannot pass!
FRODO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor. Dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun! Go back to the Shadow. YOU SHALL NOT *slips*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
BALROG: Haha! What an idiot. I'll just fly down and put him out of his misery.
*he swoops down, but finds out that he really DOESN'T have wings. smilies/evil.gif *
BALROG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
GANDALF(from far below): You can't fly, you fool!

[ July 24, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Elennar Starfire]

I would like to reserve the scene when Legolas tells the hobbits about lembas, I have a nice lil parody of that, so please save it for me.

[Oddwen]

*the fellowship rushes out of Moria and pause in sorrow*

*Aragorn looks stern*
*Leggy looks confused*
*Boromir has hair in his eyes and has Gimli in a headlock thinking it's Pippin*
*Merry has no such hair in his eyes and is strangling Pippin*
*Sam is sobbing his poor li'l heart out*

Aragorn: Get them up!

*He proceeds to do so, then notices Fro is not among them*

A: Frodo? FroDO!

*Frodo is walking off*

Fro (wild eyed): I-I think I dropped the Ring when we fell down the well! Help me find it!!!!!

All: RRRAAAAHHHH!!!!

Fro: Oh, here it is, heh heh. I was just trying to lighten the mood...Oh never mind.

[Firondoiel]

(The fellowship is walking along)

Pippin: (singing) This is this song that never ends...

Merry: Where are we going?

Frodo: Deja vu.

Aragorn: We must reach the woods of Lothlorien.

Legolas: Sweet.

Gimli: WHAT?! I have to be holed up with some more stinkin' Elves! As if one isn't bad enough!

Pippin: ...And it goes on and on my friend....

Legolas: Stinking? Me?! Yikes! Where's my Herbal Essence Shampoo?!!! Help me find it quick!

Merry: (quickly transfers the empty shampoo bottle from his coat to Pippin's pocket)

Pippin:...Some people start a'singing it not knowing what it was....

Boromir: Will somebody shut him up?!?!?!

Legolas: (shrieking) WHERE'S MY SHAMPOO!!?!?!?!?!??

Pippin: .......And they'll continue singing it forever just because.....

Boromir: (chase after Pippin)

Aragorn: The joys of traveling.

(The fellowship is so busy fighting, singing, searching for shampoo, etc. that they fail to notice that they have reached the woods of Lothlorien until they find arrows in their faces.)

Haldir: You dudes are all so freaking loud that we could shoot you at night in a hail storm, blindfolded with earpluggs!

Gimli: *growls*

Legolas *sobs*

Aragorn: smilies/rolleyes.gif

Pippin: Hey! He called me a dude!

Boromir: smilies/rolleyes.gif

(The fellowship is on Haldir's flet)

Haldir: Ah, Aragorn! Long time no see dude!

(Aragorn and Haldir do the Parent Trap handshake)

Haldir: (To Legolas) Hey dude! You're from Mirkwood right?

Legolas: Yup

Haldir: Sweet!

Legolas: Totally! You don't have any Herbal Essence shampoo do you?

Haldir: Sorry dude! I'm afraid we've only got Biolage!

Legolas: Heathens!

Haldir: Now that was totally rude dude!

Frodo: Not really. Biolage isn't that great ya know.

Haldir: Now you dudes have totally ticked me off. So you go further over my dead rotting body!

Gimli: Can be arranged.

(Fellowship draws weapons)

Haldir: Riiiiiiight....You dudes will follow me.


Okay I'll stop now! I'm sure you're all sick of my nonsense. smilies/biggrin.gif

[ July 24, 2003: Message edited by: Firondoiel ]

[elfearz1]

*Somehow Pippin appears on the other side anyway* bahahahahhahaha! somehow I can imagine this dumb look on his face as he stands on the other side hahahhahahah- anyway...

Celeborn: (looking around) Good, all of you are here!
Galadriel: (elbowing him) Gandalf has fallen into shadow. (looks oddly happy)
The quest stands on the edge of a knife, stray but a little and you will fail to the ruin of all. So, you better keep an eye on that one *points to Pip who is picking the leaves of a Mallorn tree. Borrums picks him up and throws him, yet a second later he remains in his same spot with a dumb look on his face. Galadriel clears her throat.*
... Yet hope remains while company is true. *gives Borrums a death stare smilies/evil.gif* Do not let your hearts be troubled go now and rest. *a voice in Frodo's head says "save the stuffed animals!" he looks confused.*
Sam(whispering) what is it Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: ....nothing sam
Gal: for you are weary with sorrow and much annoyancce *gives pip a death stare* Tonight you shall rest in peace *Haldir ties pip to a tree*
*All are back at their resting spot. Music by the spice girls is playing in the Background*
Leggy: A lament for my lost shampoo
Merry: what do they say about it?
Leggy: I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near. ( smilies/evil.gif)

(he he. mine never make much sense! smilies/rolleyes.gif oh well)

[Oddwen]

As soon as Frodo leaves, there is a piercing screech in the distance. Gally runs over to investigate, and finds her hubby on his knees in the dirt sobbing.

Gally: Sweetums, what is it?

Celly: Can't you see?

Gally: No, what?

Celly: They took my ELANOR!!!!! WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

Gally looks up and hears several elven voices singing in the distance...

We picked all his yellow elanor, yellow elanor, yellow elanor...

[elfearz1]

Present giving Keremony: (
smilies/evil.gif see you know your obsessed when...)
Gally: My gift to you Legolas is a bow of the Galadhrim.
*Leggy takes the cute-pink bow and ties it on his head*
Gally:Worthy of our woodland kin. These are the dagger of the Noldorin. *hands them to Merry and Pip. Pip acidently slices his finger open and bawls like a baby. ( smilies/biggrin.gif )*
Gally: Do not fear, young Peregrin Took. You may suffer more then just that. *Pip is not comforted*
Gally:And for you, Samwise Gamgee, Elven rope made of hithlain, a grain of dirt and a singing Pony.
Pony: I'm a littly pony, clippity clop, clippity clop. Such a pretty pony clippity clop, clippity clop. I love to have my cooooat brushed under the old Mallorn tree. I'll jump and run and have some fun when you come and play with me!
All:

smilies/eek.gif
Sam: uh... thanks My Lady. What, no shiny daggers?
*Haldir throws one at sam narrowly missing his head*
Gally:And what gift would a Dwarf ask of the Elves?
Gimli:Nothing...Actually, there was one thing. No, no, I could'nt. It's quite impossible.Stupid to ask
Gally: go ahead
Gimli: Some french mineral water, some M&M's with all the brown ones picked out because brown is ugly, my pillow fluffed, some extra of those little shampoos and conditioners, a 6 AM wake up call and a swedish massage
Gally: Too bad here's some of my hair
Gimli: *grump* *grump*


hmmm.... Don't ask!

[ August 02, 2003: Message edited by: elfearz1 ]

[Nehani]

I'm new at this, so bear with me here. smilies/smile.gif

SAM: row row row your boat...
BOROMIR: SHUT UP sam!!
Legolas feels sea sick, and leans over the edge.
Gimli points out that his face matches his clothes. smilies/evil.gif

meanwhile, behind the boats:

GOLLUM: row row row your log...

At the camp that night:

After recovering from his sickness, Legolas commences to throw pinecones at Gimli and chase him through the forest, not realising that its actually Pippin. After running out of pinecones Legolas returns to the camp and grabs all the remaining firewood, and runs away shrieking "How dare you insult my fair face!!!".

PIPPIN: I'm not Gimli!!
LEGGY: Yea right, you're too fat to be a hobbit!!

Boromir growls and goes off to get more firewood.
Frodo meanwhile, is climbing up the tallest tree in the forest in hopes of catching a squirrel for dinner.
He scrapes his hand on the bark, and squeels. Boromir looks up, grabs GImli's axe, and starts hacking madly at the tree. Gimli, meanwhile, sits on a log, watching Leggy chase Pippin, chuckling all the while. After a fit of chuckling, he mutters, "You stupid elf!". Leggy, with his elvish ears, hears GImli, and abandons Pippin, and starts chasing the REAL Gimli, who looks for his axe, and realising its gone, grabs a squirrel sitting calmy nearby.

Frodo, from the tree, sees the squirrel and falls out of the tree yelling, "DINNER!!". As he lands, he slips on the ring, and attempts to creep up on the squirrel. Boromir drops Gimli's axe, which then lands on his foot.
BOROMIR: AHHHHHHH!!!! STUPID HOBBIT!!!
Frodo sneaks away with the squirrel in hand.


That's all for now folks!! Hope you like it.

[Genevieve]

Heehee. I'll try this too. Boromir madly chases after Frodo, trying to avenge his foot. ALong the way, he comes up with the idea to use the one ring as a TOE ring so that ihs toe can have all power and live forever. Frodo takes of the ring to eat his squirrel (yikes!). Meanwhile, back at camp, Merry is helping Pippin nurse his wounds from the pinecones, while Aragorn is boiling cabbage, while humming a song he made up about cabbage. Sam plugs his ears to plug out the vile noises. Legolas is still chasing Gimli, muttering about how he wants to wash his hair with the new Herbal Essence "Fruit FUssions".

Frodo has finished his squirrel "YUM!", and is unaware of the stalking toe-lover Boromir behind the tree beside Frodo.
BOROMIR: GIve it to us precious!!
FRODO: *gasp*
BOROMIR: My toe needs it Frodo, don't you understand!!??
FRODO: uhhh....your toe?!

thats all for now. toodles.

[Elennar Starfire]

I know its already past this, but I like the lembas scene, so...

Legolas shows the hobbits lembas

Legolas: *takes a bite, makes a face and spits it out* Gack! this doesn't taste like lembas! EEWWWW it's sooo gross!

Galadriel: *cries*

Celeborn: you probably got the salt and sugar mixed up again, it could happen to anyone.

Galadriel: *sniff* But I keep them in clearly marked containers since the last time!*sniff*

Several people: Pippin!

Pippin: It wasn't me! It was Aragorn, I saw him sneak into the kitchen!

Aragorn: Arwen told me to! It was her idea!

[Oddwen]

Hmm...that makes us where now? So much that we have missed...

*At Orthanc*

Saruman (to a very muscly body-builder orc): Do you know how orcs were created?

LurtZ: Uhhh, no.

Saruman: They were elves once. Captured by the dark powers of red tape...forced to fill out miles of paperwork in dark rooms...tortured and mutilated. And now...perfected...adding machines of great power!

Lurtz: But that is highly illogical!

Saruman: Who do you serve?

Lurtz: No sir, it's whom do you serve.

Saruman: A-HEM!

Lurtz: Oh, uh...SARUMAN!

(Oh, I call dibs on the very last scene if we get to RotK, the Grey Havens and all that, if you would please.)

*The fellowship are continue boating the next day. Sam keeps hearing things over the singing of the pony and the arguing of Frodo and Boromir. He turns and sees a log bump into the last boat, which incidentally has Gimli and Leggy in it. It tips over.*

Gimli: Och! Stupid elf! Ye tipped the boat!

Leggy: I did no such thing! It was obviously your great girth that sunk us!

*Merry and Pippin are collapsed in the bottom of their boat laughing.*

Sam (muttering): Now that's funny...

Fro: It certainly is! Ha ha ha!

Sam: No, I think I see a log with eyes!

Fro (in a lowered voice): Hush! Speak not of it. Remember that line has been taken from you and given to one deemed more worthy of it!

Sam: Oh, right.

*That night, Boromir is collecting rocks for his "That's The Biggest Rock I've Ever Seen!" collection that he started in emmory of Gandalf who would often do that just to see Pippin carry more baggage.*

Aragorn (coming up from behind): It's Gollum.

Boromir: What? This rock?

Aragorn: No! Over there, on the water.

Boromir: Where, there?

Aragorn: No, there! The log with eyes!

Gollum: Row, row, row your logsss, gently down the streamssss, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is great if I only had the Precioussss.....

Boromir: Sorry, I forgot my glasses.

Aragorn: I've been trying to catch him for hours already. But he's slimy, yech!

Sam (in a different part of camp): Mr. Frodo, you ought to eat something.

Fro: No, Sam. I'm not hungry.

Sam: But you haven't eaten in...*gasp! That Galadriel got to you, didn't she! Merry and Pippin and myself all got told that we were fat! She's turned you into an anorexic! I will save you!

Fro: No, really, I had a snack in the boat...

Sam: Hold on, sir, I'll save you!

Fro: No, mmrrfff!! *Sam starts stuffing food down his gullet*

*back at the rock*

Boromir: I think we should strike out to Minas Tirith from here.

Aragorn: Are you nuts? Wait, nevermind...

Boromir: Why don't you trust Men? You are quick enough to trust the, burarum! Hastyhandedpointyearedsuperclean elf beings. But there is courage, there is honor to be found in men! I personally have never heard of it, but I'm sure it exists.

Aragorn: Forget it. I know you. You just want to get back in time for the Disco Danceoff. If we did that, we would be delayed until too late! I'm not takin' you near that city, bub!

*The next day, back in the boats*

Pippin: Hey, Boromir, would you pass me the...

Borrums: *snap!* Grrrrowwwlll! *grump*

Pip: Yipe! Nevermind...

(Sorry for the length. Next scene, the Argonath.) Hey, what do you think about Boromir not dying, at least not at Amon Hen?

[Meneltarmacil]

*extremely dramatic music plays along with fancy camera zooming in action*
ARAGORN: The Argonath. Long have I desired to look upon the kings of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHH!!!!
*one of their heads rolls off and lands right on top of him, sinking the boat*

[Lord of Angmar]

This has been wonderful, everybody! I think I'll take a stab at it. Feel free to... well... not laugh.

The company manages to get everyone out of the sunken boat.

Aragorn: We cross the lake at nightfall, hide
the boats and continue on foot..we
approach Mordor from the North.

Gimli: Oh yes? Oh, yes, just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil, an
impassable labyrinth of razor sharp
rocks. And after that gets even
bettea: a festering, stinking
marshland, far as the eye can see. AND what about second breakfast????

PJ: Cut, cut. Wrong page, John. You've been stumbling over your lines alot. Let's take a break for today and you can recover your strength

Gimli (John rhys-davies): Recover my-- Recover my STRENGTH? Pay no heed to that, young hobbits!

Legolas: We should leave now!

Aragorn: We must wait for cover of darkness.

Legolas: But orcs see even better in the dark then they do in the light!

Aragorn: mutters "damn insubordinate elf... he'll get whats coming to him"

Legolas: What was that?

Aragorn: What was what?

Legolas walks away, eyeing Aragorn suspiciously.

[Nehani]

Going on with Genevieve's post:

Boromir: my toe should live forever Frodo.
Frodo: No...I'm the only one who can take it, Gandalf said so.
Boromir: But we needs it, we do. We needs the precioussssss....

Frodo slpis on the ring, and runs away. Boromir begins to cry, babbling about his poor toe, and how bad he's been. Frodo runs into Aragon who is getting more cabage.

Aragorn: Ufffff! Hey watch wher your going....(looks around and doesn't see anybody) Hello? Frodo, are you playing with the ring again?

Frodo slips off the ring, and stares at Aragorn. Aragorn begins walking towards Frodo offering him cabage.
Frodo: Stay back! (draws Sting) I'm warning you!
Aragorn: You don't want cabage? (starts to cry)

Brain Lag! Latter!

[Meneltarmacil]

Since I started the politician theme, maybe I should do something more with the idea.

Frodo runs to the top of Amon Hen and sits in the Seat of Seeing. The camera zooms in on the Washington DC capitol building and then zooms in on the Senate hall where all the Politicians are gathered. Suddenly, a big flaming image of George W. Bush appears in front of Frodo. He screams, pulls of the Ring, and falls off the Seat onto the ground.

[Elennar Starfire]

Suddenly, a big flaming image of George W. Bush appears in front of Frodo.

Now that would be scary!

Frodo runs away.

Aragorn: *thinks* maybe I can catch him if I go around this way! I'm sure he wants cabbage, I just surprised him, that's all. *walks around the corner and sees the orc army* Doh! *hits himself on the head with his sword*

[Rose Cotton]

Frodo runs down the mountain untill suddenly he trips and rolls down into a circle of Orcs.

Frodo: AHHHHHHHH!

Orcs: AHHHHHHHHH!

Frodo: AH!

Orcs: AH!

Merry: AH!

Pippin: AH!

Frodo: Merry! Pippin! How will we escape?

Merry: What do you mean? These orcs are my old College buds.

Pippin: Ya, we were just having a drink untill you came in. Want to join us?

Frodo: I'd love to but the script says I have to heroicly go to Mordor on my own.

Pippin: Well that sucks. See you later then.

Frodo continues down to the boats gets in one and starts rowing across the river. Sam who was sleeping in the boat wakes up.

Sam: Huh? Where am I? What's going on?

Frodo: I'm going to Mordor and I guess you're coming with me.

Sam: What! No! *fights Frodo for the paddle and falls out of the boat* Frodo! Help! I'm drowing!

Frodo: Sam! Stand up!

Sam does so an it turns out he was in two inches of water.

Frodo: let's go.
smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Meneltarmacil]

LOL these are great! keep up the good work! smilies/biggrin.gif

Well, I'd guess the next scene is where Boromir dies protecting Merry and Pippin, but I am fresh out of ideas at the moment. BTW, could you save the warg attack in Rohan for me? I've got a funny idea for that.

[Nehani]

Well, time for the all famous death of Boromir (I'm going off of Rose Cotton's idea):

Borormir is still gathering wood when he walks up on the orc circle with Merry and Pippin in the middle.

BOROMIR: Merry! Pippin! I'll save you! (he draws his sword, and blows into the horn)

Merry:Wait! You have the wrong idea! These are just our buddies! This here is- (is cut off as the orcs jump inot battle)

Pippin: Hey! Can't we solve this over a few drinks? Well, maybe more than a few.

Meanwhile, Aragorn is buisy staring into space. Legolas is playing with is hair, and Gimli is the only one who hears it.

Gimli: Get up ye stupid Elf! That's the Horn of Gondor! (kicks Legolas)

Leggy: Hey! What was that for! I'm just looking at my poor split ends!

Aragorn: Horn of Gondor? no I though it sounded like (another blast is sounded) like that. Well, I guess it is. (sighs) and I was having a lovely day dream about Arwen...

Gimli and Legolas rolls their eyes, and they all head out in the sound of the horn.

Back at the Battle:

Lurtz: Merry! Pippin! We'll kill this pansie!

Boromir: Who you callin' a Pansie, Pansie!

They run at eachother and begin a cat fight. The other orcs cheer on as they slap and claw at eachother. Suddenly Lurtz screams.

Lurtz: Oh my God! You broke my nail.

Boromir: Well, sorry about that. I didn't mean to or anything.

Lutz draws his sword and hits Boromir over the head with the butt. Boromir falls to the ground.

Pippin: He's dead!

Lurtz: Nah, just stunded a bit. He'll wake up with some luck. Come on, I hear there's a great pub near these parts.

Merry: Great, but my foot's asleep. Could one of ya carry me?

Pippin: Yah, and me too?

Lurtz: Sure why not!

The orcs pick up the hobbits and run off yelling and singing drinking songs.

Legolas: I think I hear something.

Gimli: Like what?

Legolas: It sounds like hobbits in pain, yelling for help.

The group runs into a clearing, there in the middle is Boromir. Aragorn runs over.

Aragorn: Boromir! Boromir! Can you hear me?

Boromir: Yes, I can hear you. My head really hurts, and I can't see anything.

Leggy: he must be dying.

Boromir: What? I'm not dy-

Aragorn: Do not speak. Where are they?

Boromir: You just told me not to not(sighs)...They took them. The orcs took the little ones!

Leggy: Stupid human.

Boromir smilies/frown.gifreaches for his sword) Why you little....

Aragorn picks up the sword, places it in Boromirs hand, and puts them on his chest.

Boromir: You think I'm dying? You fool, I'm fine, my head just hurts!

Aragorn: Yes, I will find the hobbits. Sleep now, my friend.

Boromuir: Sleep? Well, it does sound kinda nice. Mabe I'll just nap for now. (he lays his head back suddenly, but hits his head on a shield really hard, and goes limp)

Leggy: Then that is it, he is dead.

Gimli: Are you sure, it looks like he's breathing...

Aragorn: No, Legolas is right, the son of Gondor is dead.

Heh heh heh....feel free to add on!

Nehani

[the guy who be short]

Just so we dont miss any important bits, here is a script for y'all. Please read it, 'cos we are missing a few scenes I think.

LotR script (http://www.quintessentialwebsites.com/lordoftherings/home/index.htm)

[Meneltarmacil]

EDIT: As of January 15th, 2007, I thought I'd go back and change this, as I don't particularly care for what happened earlier. I used this idea earlier as a movie blooper, or so I recall, but I thought it'd fit well here. The storyline isn't going to be altered a whole lot.

ARAGORN: Farewell, Boromir. I'm sorry you're dead.

LEGOLAS: He's still breathing.

ARAGORN: No he's not. Let the boat loose already!

GIMLI: Whatever you say.

LEGOLAS: But...

*the boat has been sent off*

ARAGORN: Let's get out of here, shall we?

GIMLI: Sure!

LEGOLAS: Um...

*they leave*

BOROMIR: What a splitting headache... Huh? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh *sploosh*

[Cinderella]

*Cut to Frodo and Sam wandering aimlessly about Emyn muil....*
Frodo: for some reason I feel like I've been here before...
flashback to Frodo and Gollum sitting on Emyn Muil getting insanely drunk and falling asleep in each others arms smilies/eek.gif
Frodo: ahh yes...eh hem er...uh...Sam give me the map!
Sam: But Mr. Frodo... you used it for toilet paper about a day ago remember?
Frodo: er...Let's just have a nap then...
*While Sam and Frodo sleep peacefully Gollum watches them from above...*
Gollum: Niiiiicccce Hobbitses we wants to have them over for tea doesn't we? We doesn't even wantssss the prec- *slips and falls on Sam and Frodo, drawn out struggle ensues*
Gollum: We just *smack* wantsss *bif over head* some tea with *uppercut* the hobbitsesss
Frodo: Wait Sam... this might be tottally uncalled for...
Sam: smilies/evil.gif But look at him squeal!

eh. I tried smilies/biggrin.gif

[ August 06, 2003: Message edited by: Cinderella ]

[Meneltarmacil]

Note that I changed my last post because it screwed up the storyline too much. But I think the revised version is a lot funnier. So the next person can either do...

A) The next Frodo/Sam/Gollum scene
B) Merry, Pippin, and the Orcs
or
C) Aragorn/Legolas/Gimli hunting the Orcs.

[Naurwen_of_Lothlorien]

Are you doing the TTT script aswell? If so...then I have a request...now, I'm not good with requests...so please...read my mind or something...what do you mean you can't!?

Fine, fine.

If you're doing TTT too...could you please save the Grima/Eowyn scene for me ... please...
*Runs and hides*

Yours hiddenly

~Naurwen smilies/redface.gif

[polices]

Here gose everything...

Merry and Pippin are being carried by the orcs and are handcoffed.

Merry: Whens breakfast?
Orc1:Whats breakfast?
Orc2:Ask the other haf-ling.
Pippin:Breakfast is what gives you the first birst of energy. When you wake up!
Orc1 and 2*Giving death stares at the orc leaders*:I thought that was coffe!
Merry and Pippin:-_- smilies/rolleyes.gif
Merry: when can we stop?
Orc1:...
Pippin:I am hunry.
Orc2:...
Orc3:Shut the haf-lings up!!!
Pippin:Why?
Orc4:'Cause!
Merry:Whens breakfast?
*34hours later...*
Orc Leader:ROOOOHHHHHHHAAAN!!!!!!

~Le End~

[Meneltarmacil]

I think we skipped over a Frodo/Sam/Gollum scene back there, so here it is.
GOLLUM: It burns! It burns us It freezes! Nasty elves twisted it, curse them! Take it off us!!
FRODO: Sorry, dude, we're outta here.
*they go a few steps and are stopped by a man wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase*
SAM: Who are you?
LAWYER: I am Gollum's lawyer, and I am suing you for torturing my client with that rope.
FRODO: No! NOOOOOO! *unties Gollum*
LAWYER: That won't help. I'm still suing you. Unless you let Gollum take you to Mordor, and then feed you to a huge spider.
FRODO: Yes, yes, We'll do that! Anything but getting sued!
*the lawyer leaves*

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are running across the plains of Rohan.
ARAGORN: Their pace is quickened. They must have caught our scent.
*gives Gimli a death stare*
GIMLI: What? So what if I haven't had a shower for two weeks? I can't help smelling like all dwarves should!
ARAGORN: *picks up brooch* Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.
*they run on*
*Gimli rolls off a hill to the ground*
*he hits his head on a rock and faints*
LEGOLAS: Come, Gimli! We're gaining on them!
*no answer*
LEGOLAS: Gimli?
ARAGORN: No time to stop. Keep running!
*they leave Gimli behind*

Next scene is Saruman/Orcs/Dunlendings, followed by Eothain/Freda and their mother and then Theodred's death and Eomer being banished.

[Himaran]

Saruman/Orcs/Dunlendings/Inquisition Spoof

*For weeks, Saruman has tortured the Dunlenders with constant prases from the Spanish Inquisition, Nazi training books and the Viking Culture. Now they will follow his every command.


Saruman: The Horsemen are the enemy!
Dunlendings (Southern Hics): Yahhh Man!
Saruman: Together with my orcs, you will defeat them!
Dunlenders: Yah man, we're From the South!
Saruman: Burn Every Village!
Dunlendings: Hallelulia!
Saruman: Kill Them All!
Dunlendings! Yeah Brother!
Saruman: You will do this now, without complaint!

*The Nazi training takes action.

Dunlenders: Heil Hitler!

*The entire row snaps to attention and the famous salute is held indefinantly. Then suddenly, the Viking instinct takes over.

(Mean Looking Dunlender): Fresh Meat Boys!

Dunlenders! Fresh Meat! Fresh Meat! Fresh Meat! Fresh Meat!

*They run off with the orcs to kill the Horsement.

[Meneltarmacil]

Just for the record, the next scene is the Orcs and Dunlendings burning the Rohan village and Eothain and Freda riding off to Edoras. If somebody does that scene, I've got a good parody for the death of Theodred.

[Meneltarmacil]

Since apparently nobody else is going to do it, I'll parody the next scene.
*the Orcs and Dunlendings are burning the village*
WOMAN: Eothain! Get your sister and let's go!
*Eothain and Freda get on the horse and ride off*
WOMAN: Hey! Wait for me!
EOTHAIN: Sorry, mom! We're outta here!
WOMAN: *sigh* Kids these days...

Meanwhile, at Edoras...
(EDIT: As of January 2007, I've revised this, as I don't particularly like what was done here earlier.)
EOMER: Theodred! You're dying!
THEODRED: No, I'm not.
EOMER: It says you're dying right here in the script.
THEODRED: But I don't want to die.
PJ: Too bad. *pulls out knife and stabs Theodred*
THEODRED: Uuuuuughh...
The next scene is Eomer's banishment from Rohan.

[Himaran]

Eomer's banishment:

Eomer: My lord, we must do something about these orcs! Last night they ruined the vegetable garden, and the week before they graffitied the deeping wall itself! And that's not counting all the times your chariot was egged...

Theoden: (quietly) mmmf...

Grima: What are you doing here? Look, you've gotten mud on the royal rug! I just bought it last week! Carpets from the West Emmet coat factory aren't cheap!

Eowen: Like, zip it about the rugs.

Eomer: My lord, we must do something about the orcs. They are free to ruin your kingdom if you do nothing!

Grima: Get out! both of you! the king is tired, very tired.

Eomer: *continues pleading with theodoen.

Grima: Get out! *he jumps at eomer.

Eomer: *grabs Grima, pushes him across the room into the soup and the fire. Hot coals fill Grima's pants, and he performs a strange dance while guards drag Eomer outside. Thus, he is banished.

I forget what comes next...

[Cinderella]

Two Towers Script (http://www.legomirk.com/lotrscript2002/a.html)

Merry & Pip W/ orcs at Fangorn should be next but some scenes were skipped I think... oh well

[ August 18, 2003: Message edited by: Cinderella ]

[Cinderella]

Ok moving right along then...

Orc: We ain't goin' no further till we've had a breather.
Uglúk: Fine fine then... here's your inhalers, everyone nice and slow deep calming breath...very good!

Merry: I think, we might have made a mistake, leaving Kansas...erm... I mean the Shire...
Pippin: Right em....What's making that noise?
Merry: It's the trees Toto.
Pippin: *stares blankly with mouth open*
Merry: You remember the Old Forest back home in Colorado? The monkeys used to say that there was something in
the water that made the trees come alive.
Pippin: *blinks*
Merry: Trees that could play poker, dance, even the foxtrot!


*hangs head in shame* smilies/rolleyes.gif
THe next scene is the orcs fighting about meat and Merry and Pip escaping .

[ August 20, 2003: Message edited by: Cinderella ]

[Elennar Starfire]

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are chasing the orcs. Aragorn listens to the ground.

Legolas: What is it? What do you hear?

Aragorn: SHHHH!!!

Legolas: *trys to listen to the ground* I don't hear anything.

Aragorn: Neither do I. I felt like taking a nap.

legolas:*kicks Aragorn*

Aragorn: owww...

Gimli comes running up behind, breathing hard.

Gimli: I...can't...breathe...*falls off a rock and rolls down a hill*

(She slaps him)

He may have deserved that... smilies/evil.gif

EDIT: oops, sorry

[ August 21, 2003: Message edited by: Elennar Starfire ]

[Meneltarmacil]

Ummmm, I already did the Aragorn/Legolas/Gimli chasing the Orcs scene. The next scene is where Aragorn and Co. meet up with Eomer's riders.

[the guy who be short]

(Aragorn, Gimli and Leggy hide behind a rock as the Riders come up.)

Aragorn: Little hey little ho!
Riders: Little hi little ho!
Eomer: What business have a man, a woman and a child in Rohan? Speak slowly, I have bad hearing.
Gimli: Child? Child? You have bad sight too. Do you wanna swap names, by any chance? Gimli gets a bit tiring after a while...
Eomer: I would cut off your head, Child, if I could find my sword. *squints*
Gimli: I am no child!!!
Leggy: And I no woman! *strings bow*
Aragorn: Let there be peace. I am Aragorn, and am Aragoing to find my friends who were abducted by alie- er, Orcs.
Eomer: Can you speak up please?

[ August 25, 2003: Message edited by: the guy who be short ]

[Meneltarmacil]

The next scene is where Aragorn is finding out what happened to Merry and Pippin and Merry and Pippin's meeting with Treebeard.

[elfearz1]

This scene was already done (Cinderella did a good job btw) but I thought of something funny to add:
Frodo: Sam, what have we got to eat?
Sam:*taking the elven-way bread out of his pack* Lembas bread and look more Lembas bread*he throws a piece to Frodo, but he doesn't catch it*
Frodo: 10 second rule!!!

(ok, my creativity is tapped out smilies/wink.gif )

[Cinderella]

[Leggy, Aragorn, and Gimli approach the pile of burning orc flesh and A & G begin to paw thru as Legolas watches with disgust]

Legolas: *squeel* Ew... don't touch it!
Gimli: Look, it's one of their little belts!

Leggy: mmm, Yah, out of fashion too, defintely theirs, a gift from Galadriel, Lothlorien is so last season

Gimli: *mutters* self-centered, nancing, pretty boy elf....

Legolas: "Hiro hyn hîdh ab 'wanath."
Translation: (May all dwarves (esp. Gimli) die a fiery death in unfashionable clothing with bad hairdos, preferably beehives and mu-mu's)

[Aragorn stares at the belt and begins to cry like a little girl and suck his thumb, Gimli affectionately hands him his blankie]

Gimli: We failed them

[Aragorn looks to the side and tracks catch his attention]

Aragorn: A Hobbit lay here, and the other.

[Aragorn licks the dirt, suddenly smiles and nods knowingly]
Leggy: Was that really necessary?

[Flashback: Merry and Pippin shrug their shoulders and trot off towards Fangorn]

Aragorn: Their hands were bound.
Gimli : Kinky!
Leggy: smilies/eek.gif


[Flashback: Merry takes some rope out of his pocket and puts it on the ground as Pippin rubs his tush in the dirt to leave his scent]

Aragorn: Their bonds were cut.
[Aragorn holds up a broken rope]
Leggy: Whats that smell?
[everyone looks at Gimli]
Gimli: He who smelt it dealt it...

Aragorn: [rolls eyes] They ran over here...

[Flashback: M&P enter fangorn and Pippin removes belt on the way in due to bloating from fab orc food]

Aragorn: Tracks lead away from the battle, into...Fangorn Forest.

[The Three look up into a very dense forest, Gimli develops a twitch, much to the annoyance of Leggy]

Gimli: *twitch* Fangorn! What madness drove them in there?

Leggy: *giggles* oohh!! *nances into Fangorn*

[ September 01, 2003: Message edited by: Cinderella ]

[Oddwen]

*Merry and Pippin rush inside Fangorn*

Merry: *wheeze* I think we lost 'em! *pant*

Pip: That's good. *gasp!*

Grishnak: Wait up! You-

Merry: Run!

*They both run, but the orc is catching up, in spite of his deadly wound. Merry sees that it's hopeless to outrun him and tries to save Pippin.*

Merry: Climb a tree, Pippin!

Pip: I don't wanna!

Merry: Climb it!

Pip: You can't make me!

Merry: CLIMB THE TREE IF YOU VALUE YOUR SOUL!

Pip: Eh? I didn't know that hobbits could cl-
*Merry grabs him and throws him twenty feet up. He tries to climb up himself, but is suddenly grabbed from behind. Grishnak stands over him and growls menacingly*

Pip: MERRR-RRYYYYYYY!!!

*Suddenly, the tree he has been so violently thrown up in starts to move!*

Tree: Humm??

Pip: Ugh!
*The tree drops him to his death. Miraculously, he appears back in its branches unharmed*

Grish: I just wanted to tell you that you dropped your wal-
*But he is cut short by Pippin falling on him and is crushed*

Merry: Wha?

Tree: *picks them both up and surveys them curiously* Little orcs, burarom!

Merry: AHH! Where??

Tree: *blinks* Er, well, you I thought...

Pip: Nah.

Merry: We're hobbits!

Both: We're hobbits, we're hobbits, we're hobbits by rights! We eat all day and we eat all night-

Tree: No, no singing! I allow no singing in MY forest!

Merry: It's your forest? You must be an Ent! A shepherd of the forest! An Onodrim! Why, one of the very beings that Yavanna sent to the world to guard the woods from evildoers! You must be older than the very hills!

Tree: My my, aren't you the scholarly type? My name, little orcs, is Treebeard.

Pip: Whose side are you on?

Treebeard: Well, I tend to stray away from left-wing policies, but I'm not really on anybody's side. For you see, that nobody is on my side.

Pip: Not even playing softball?

Treebeard: Huh?

Merry: You'll have to excuse him. He's a little slow.

TB: Oh. No problem. I have the same problem with Saruman.

Pip: The White Wizard?

TB: Yep. *he suddenly dumps them in front of the only clean person in the entire trilogy*

Both: Wow!

(Next scene, unless you want to parody the meeting between the White Wiz, is "The Black Gate is Closed")

[Meneltarmacil]

Actually, the next scene is the Dead Marshes.

[Oddwen]

You're right, I'm sorry. Marshes, Three Hunters meet Gandalf, more Treebeard, then the Black Gate.

[Meneltarmacil]

Frodo and Sam arrive at the Dead Marshes.
FRODO: There are faces! Dead faces in the water!
GOLLUM: Don't follow the lights, or nice hobbits go down to join the dead ones.
*Frodo falls into the water and is immediately surrounded by screaming fangirls smilies/eek.gif*
*Gollum pulls him out*
GOLLUM: Don't follow the lights!
*Frodo is completely traumatized for the next few days*

[ September 07, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[elfearz1]

Frodo finally gets to sleep, but he has a nightmare about fangirls and wakes to find Gollum crouching a few feet away from where Sam and himself are sleeping. He is muttering something about his precious.

Gollum: soo bright, so beautifull
Frodo: What did you say?
Gollum: Master must sleep, he needs his rest.
Frodo: Who are you?
Gollum: I am...your father
Frodo: no! Noooooooo
Gollum: oh wait, that's not in the script
Frodo: whew! I don't think I can handle any more surprises like that I'm already scared enough for one day.
Gollum: *ahem* musn't assk usss not hiss buisnesss no *gollum* *gollum*
Frodo: Gandalf told me you were one of... them
Gollum: I'm a little bit country
Frodo: he said your life was a sad story
Smeagol: I'm a little bit rock and roll
Frodo(trying to ignore what Gollum is singing): You were not so very different from a hobbit once, were you... Sméagol?
*it has no effect on him*
Frodo: ... Sméagol!
*dramatic music plays yet it still has no effect*
Frodo: SMEAGOL! *splashes him with water and he wakes up*
Gollum: oh! oh...What did you call me?
Frodo:That was your name once, wasn’t it? A long time ago.


alright that was lame, I'm done for now.

[Meneltarmacil]

Since this thread was never finished and I'm planning to turn it into a fanfic when it's all done, I must revive it.

I believe the next scene is here Frodo talks to Gollum about his past, and then they see the Nazgul (or in this case, they're politicians...read the Weathertop scene) fly overhead. I don't have any real good ideas right now though.

[Oddwen]

Well, we'll see here:

Frodo: You weren't that much different from a hobbit once, were you?

Gollum: Of course we weress, Precious! Not like hobbits at all, all fancy grammarses and brass buttoness, no no! *gollum gollum*

Frodo: *in slow-mo* Smeeeeaaaaaaagoooooolllll....I still retain some residual effects from that Politician blade. blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Gollum: NOO! Yes, Smeagol, that was my name!

Nazgul: *WREEEE!!* Give up the porcelain cow, mere puny mortal! You amateur right-wingedconservativetaxing muffincajoler! I blow my nose in your general direction!

Frodo: *rolls eyes* Oh puh-leeze... *clutches shoulder weakly* Ooh, the pain, the pain, wa wah wah.

Naz: Perhaps you are not frightened yet...but look at what I now ride on!

*Sam, Fro and Smeegs now gasp as they catch sight of...A HELICOPTER IN FULL MILITARY REGALIA! The three dive under the only bush in the vicinity. Their heads clonking together sounds like coconuts*

Naz: Oh, where have they gone to now? I cannot see! Ah well. Back to report to the Eye.

Fro: It's gone! But I thought they had had their campaign funding cut!

Smeegs: No, you cannot totally cut them off from their funds! There's always anonymous contributions...and even the lottery!

Fro: There, see Sam? There's no use for you to contribute to the lottery, it's fixed in their favor!

Sam: *grumble, flazzzumph*

Smeegs: The Black Gate *dun dun dun!* is very close. Hurry hurry, silly hobbitses!

(next up, the three hunters enter rohan and meet "someone they did not expect smilies/evil.gif )

[Oddwen]

(heck, why don't I do it?)

*The Three Hunters walk into the woods, and look warily about them*

Gimli: *picks at a leaf* Mmm, spearamint!

Legs: *stares absentmindedly at a tree*

Aragorn: These are strange tracks! They read...like strange tracks.

L: I think that I shall never see, a poem lovely as a tree...

G: *crunch crunch*

L: This forest is old. Very old. Older than I am.

A: Goodness sakes!

L: *deadly glare* It's full of memory. And anger.

A: And you're full of beans.

L: Gimli! Stop eating the plants! They don't like it!

G: Who doesn't like it?

L: My elven senses are tingling.

A: What is it?

L: My foot's asleep.

G: Hmm, that's funny, I think I feel the presence of a great, powerful person.

A: Try rubbing it.

GreatPowerfulPerson: Eh?

L: Ooh, it's tingling!

GPP: What?

A: Strike it against something.

GPP: I beg your pardon! I have not passed through fire and water to bandy crooked words with witless worms!

G: Uh, guys?

L: Ah, I feel life in me again!

A: Oh, hello Saruman! What...GREAT GALLOPIN' GOLLUM! *leaps onto Leggy's shoulders and screams*

GPP: Uhh, aren't you supposed to be looking for two young hobbits?

G: Miserable trickster! What have you done with our friends?? *grabs his axe and deftly hacks of bits and pieces of GPP's clothes, all the while humming and absentmindedly examining his fingernails*

GPP: Gimli, you idiot! *tries to hold pants up* Don't you recognize me? I'm Gandalf!!

G, L, & A: ...

G: Oops...here's your suspenders...

Gandy: *huff*

L: Forgive me while I kneel....I think my other foot's asleep...

A: Hey, wait a minute...didn't you fall?

Gandy: Yes, I did. I fell through fire..................AND WATER!

*flashback: fight with Bill the Balrog*

Gandy: And I cast him from the high space, and smashed him against the mountainside. And then I strayed through................SPACE! And then..............THROUGH TIME! And every stinkin' day took longer than it takes Legolas here to wash his hair.

G & A: WHOA!

Gandy: Then I wandered through space and time, to another dimention. A dimention of sight, of sound, and of mind. At the signpost up ahead, my next stop was the Twilight Zone. I relived the horror of William Shatner in "Terror at 20,000 Feet", slept as long as they in "The Rip Van Winkle Caper", and was batted about by the whim of Eru as if he were the boy in "It's A Good Life".

G&A&L: Zzzzz...

Gandy: And then I was sent back for a brief time for good behavior. Hello?

A: Zzz*snork* wha? Oh. One thing hasn't changed, old guy. You still talk on, and on, and on, and on, and on...

G: So, do we go after the hobbits now? Please? I think that tree is giving me a dirty look.

Tree: Hoom!

Gandy: No, maybe not right away. We've got to go to Edoras.

A: Why?

Gandy: Because I said so, that's why! I'm Saruman as he should have been, cuz if you haven't noticed he's a very very very bad guy. And he's got a spy in the royal halls, and if we do not act soon, the great pizza stores of Rohan may be sucked into the vaccuum of the fires of industry, and the iron fist of the orc.

A&L&G: *gasp!*

G: What're we waiting for??

A: Let's go!

L: Guys, my hand is asleep!

(Ok, I'll stop rambling. Next scene, if ya wanna go EE, is Gandalf's royal talk with Aragorn, or the scene with Shadowfax)

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 3:26 AM December 07, 2003: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Theoric Windcaller]

(The four exit Fangorn, Gandalf whistles to and the call is quickly returned by a gleaming horse, white as snow, galloping towards them fom across the plains.)

Legolas: That's one of the Mereas, unles my eyes are cheat--, hold on. Gandalf, that's my horse! I remember cause he has a scar on his leg!

(Gandalf looks around.)

Legolas: Give me back my--

Gandalf: Well, it looks like we better be going now. Up, up and away horse!

(The horse doesn't move.)

Gandalf: Grrr. (kicks the horse. He speeds off.)

--

(The four ride up to Rohan.)

Gandalf: Edoras, and the Golden Hall of--uh---, uh. Yeah. Theoden's mind is overthrown, and we're gonna have to beat the mess out of him to get Saruman out.

(Meanwhile...)

Eowyn: My lord, your son--well, we were paintballing in the field, and I guess I was aimed to low, I am shot your son in the no-no spot.

(Theoden laughs.)

---

Gandalf: Be careful what you say, this is the land of critics and Harry Potter fans--do not look for welcome here.

---

Grima: (seeing the lord's son in pain)- Oh, I guess your team won then. Poor bloke never wins.

Eowyn: No shoot, sherlock.

---

Hama: Sup dog, I mean... (cough) Hail. I cannot have you before Theoden king so armed.

Gandalf: I bet it was that little twit Grima who made up that rule, pompus little---

Hama: Actually it was me.

(Silence.)

Gandalf: Fine.

(Gives the guys their weapons and the four head on.)

Hama: my lord, Gandalf comes, and he looks like he ain't happy.

Gandalf: Man, you better get all yo fools up in 'ere to start acting nicer to me.

Grima: Yeah, he ain't happy.

Theoden: Why should I do that, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Cause I told you to.

Grima: Late is the hour in which this conjurer comes! Ill news is an ill guest.

Gandalf: shut up you Harry-Potter look alike! I've seen you in your room, dressing up like the boy! Keep your tongue behind your teeth.

Grima: (cough) I dunno what he's talking about.

(That's my two cents. Someone else take over.)

[Meneltarmacil]

(skips over a Treebeard scene...hopefully someone will go back and do that later.)

GOLLUM: The Black Gate!

SAM: Actually, it looks more gray to me...

GOLLUM: Nassty hobbit! Never can do anything right, can we? Ohh noooo...

*the Easterlings come up from the southwest*

RANDOM EASTERLING: Umm, I guess PJ wanted us to take the long way around or something.

FRODO: It's opening!

SAM: I can see a way down! *slides down the hill*

FRODO: Sam! No! *slides after him*

*The Easterlings notice them, and Frodo puts the cloak over them*

EASTERLING: Hmmm. *accidentally kicks the "rock" rather hard*

FRODO: Ouch!

EASTERLING: Hmmm, a talking rock. Cool. *moves on*

FRODO: I do not ask anyone to go with me...

SAM: I know.

GOLLUM: No! Must not go that way! He'll catch you! And he'll take the preciousss!
...There's another way, yesss... a stair... and then a tunnel...

SAM: He's trying to trick us!

FRODO: No he isn't!

SAM: Yes he is! I happen to know because I read the book! He's going to lead us into some bug ugly stinky spider's lair and take the Ring!

FRODO: Well, in that case... *goes to the gate*

*the gate abruptly shuts, pinching Frodo and Sam in between*

F&S: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

GOLLUM: *pulls them out* Stupid hobbitses!
(thinks to self) Must take nasssty bookses...

If someone wants to do that fairly short scene with Treebeard, go right ahead, otherwise, continue with Theoden's exorcism.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I'll do Treebeard...and Théoden's exorcism, too...

Treebeard: My home lies deep in the forest near the roots of the mountain. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe and, safe is where I'll keep you. The trees have grown wild and dangerous. Anger festers in their hearts. They've lost their pensions and their life savings to some scam of Saruman, something about investment in cross-breeding. They will harm you if they can. And they sure can. I've seen some drunk trees accidentally step on Men. Horrible, I tell you. There are too few of us now, too few of us Ents left to manage them.

Merry: Why? Impotence?

Treebeard: No...we're still as wild as we used to be far back in the Elder Days. Problem is, we've lost the Ent-chicks.

Merry: Poor things...

--------------------

Grima: His staff. I told you to take the wizard's staff!

*Grima's boys move toward Gandalf. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli do Matrix-style moves against them*

Gandalf: Théoden, son of Thengel. Too long have you sat in the shadows.

Théoden: Your love of the Halfling's weed has clearly slowed your mind.

Gandalf: What the...I need to call a lawyer... *brings out phone*

Théoden: *wicked laugh* You have no signal here...Gandalf the Grey!

Gandalf: What the Mandos...I'm a lawyer myself! *Gandalf removes cloak* I will sue you, Saruman, and you will lose.

Théoden: ACK...join the dark side, Magneto...ARGH!!!

Éowyn runs toward Théoden, but Aragorn stops her*

Aragorn: Wait.

Éowyn(thinking): Oooh...manly grasp...

Théoden: If I go, Théoden dies.

Gandalf: You did not kill me. You will not kill him.

Théoden: Well, I can't argue with that...bye! *Théoden becomes younger...until he becomes a baby*

Théoden(to Éowyn): Ma-Ma.

Gandalf: Hey special effects! You overdid the "younger" thing!

SPFX guys: Sorry... *presses a few buttons* There!

Lame, yes...but the Ents cannot hold back the storm... smilies/rolleyes.gif

Later days! smilies/cool.gif
-&gt;Elenrod

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 3:45 AM December 11, 2003: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I'll do the next one, too.

Gandalf: Your fingers would remember their old strength better, if they grasped your sword.

*Hama brings him his sword*
*Theoden pulls it from its scabbard, but drops it, right through his stomach*

Théoden: Augh! *dies*

Gandalf: He's down...MEDIC!!!

PJ: Oh...sorry, Ian. We can't afford to hire medics.

Gandalf: But New Line gave you more than a hundred million!

PJ: We spent it mostly on the Elves' hair care.

Gandalf(mumbles to self): Stupid Elves. *turns to PJ* We'll just have to replace him...who do you have there?

PJ: Well...John Noble is here.

Gandalf: Great...

Théoden: I'm OK! I'm not hurt! Nobody panic! It was deliberate!

Gimli: You are full of surprises, Master Horseman, and... *whispers* you stole my line...

Théoden: Whatever. Where were we? Oh, yeah. *glares at Grima*

*Hama and another Rider roll Grima outside*

Grima: Argh! Ow!

*King Théoden follows down the stairs, draws sword*

Grima: I've only ever served you, my lord. *slinks backwards*

Théoden: Your leechcraft would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast!

Grima: Send me not from your side! Or just don't kill me! *whimpers*

*Théoden raises sword*
*Aragorn grabs his hand*

Aragorn: No, my lord! No, my lord. Let him go. Enough blood has been spilt on his account.

Théoden(thinking): Ooooh...manly grasp...

Grima: What do you expect!? I use leeches!

Théoden: Say...you're right!

*Grima scrambles to his feet and runs toward the gates*

Grima(thinking): Good thinking, Master Wormtongue!

Later days! smilies/cool.gif
-&gt;Elenrod

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 11:56 PM January 20, 2004: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

So...anyone next?

[Sleepy Ranger]

Whats the next scene?

[Meneltarmacil]

Finally. Somebody besides me cares about this thread. THANK YOU NILPAURION FELAGUND!!! smilies/biggrin.gif Together, you and I shall keep this parody strong until the end of ROTK! Just save the Paths of the Dead for me, as I've got a nice little parody planned for that.

Theoden visits Theodred's grave

THEODEN: Symbl... smprh... simmy... whatever that stupid flower's called, how I'm supposed to keep up with these long and unpronouncable names, I sure as heck don't know, I mean I'm just not...

PJ: AHEM!

THEODEN: Oh! Right, as I was saying, long has it covered the tombs of my fathers. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. Alas that these evil days should be mine....

GANDALF: Get a grip Theoden, you didn't kill him, that slimy little Worm guy did.

THEODEN: No parent should have to bury their child.

GANDALF: He was strong in life. His spirit will find its way to the halls of your fathers.

THEODEN: *sniffle*

GANDALF: Resto harfthpmlfff, uhh, restrothing, umm, fredrath hoof, no that's not it, uhhhmmmm, *sigh* I give up! What the (censored) am I supposed to say?!

PJ: For the 1,000,000,000th time... *hands Gandalf the script*

GANDALF: OH! Right, I knew I was forgetting something...

PJ: AHEM!!!!!!!!!

GANDALF: OK, Ok!! Resto had. Ferthu, Theodred, ferthu.
*mutters* Whatever that means...

THEODEN: Oh, thank you, Gandalf!

*kiss*

*WHACK WHACK WHAM WHACK*

GANDALF: Listen, you, just because I'm played by a gay actor DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY!!!!!!

THEODEN(covered in bruises from Gandalf's staff): *whimper*

EOTHAIN & FREDA(who just arrived): *giggle giggle*

GANDALF: WHAT?! What are you kids lookin' at?! Aren't you supposed to be half dead at this point?

Next scene is where Theoden learns about the orcs in the westfold and decides to lead the people to Helm's Deep, Gandalf leaving to find Eomer, etc.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Finally. Somebody besides me cares about this thread. THANK YOU NILPAURION FELAGUND!!! :D Together, you and I shall keep this parody strong until the end of ROTK!

Or until the next World Cup, whichever comes first.

Just save the Paths of the Dead for me, as I've got a nice little parody planned for that.

Yes, and save me the part of the Helm's Deep scene where Pfc. Todd Blackburn...erm...Legolas throws the rope to Gimli and Aragorn. And maybe the part when Théoden and Aragorn will attack from the inner chamber of the burg.

Anywhen...

--------------------

Éowyn(rising): They had no warning. The wild men ordered coffee, but our stores had run out. Now the wild men, deprived of caffeine, pillaged every village, looking for coffee.

Freda: Where is Mama?

Éothain: We left her behind, remember? She'll just eat all the pizza.

Freda: Oh. Yeah.

Gandalf: This is but a taste of the terror that Saruman will unleash. Soon, he'll take all the sugar in Rohan, and your land will be flooded by hyperactive Orclings. Ride out and meet him head on.

Théoden: Nah, I'm too old to do that...how about Éomer? He could do it.

Gimli: HP-lookalike just sent him away, remember?

Théoden: Right. OK, then. I won't fight. I won't risk open war...

Aragorn: Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not.

Théoden: ...ts. Hate those things. They're too itchy when they pop open.

Aragorn: :rolleyes:

Théoden: Hey! Nobody rolls his eyes in my court! I'm the king!

Lawyer: A-hem!

Aragorn: :rolleyes:

Théoden(to Aragorn): Do that again and I'll leave you behind when you fall from a cliff! (to lawyer) What?

Lawyer: I represent the estate of the deceased Elvis Presley. You just violated 24 000 copyright laws and is hereby penalised...

Théoden: That's it. We hide in Helm's Deep. Hurry!

--------------------

Háma: By order of the king, the city must empty. Litigation is upon us. If you value your life, GO NOW!

*Gandalf and Aragorn rush through the street to the stables, followed by Legolas and Gimli*

Gimli: Helm's Deep! They flee to the mountains when they should kill the lawyer! What has happened to good ol' gore?

Aragorn: Théoden is a cowardly b****** who p*sses on his pants. What do you expect?

*They enter the stables*

Gandalf: There is no way out of that ravine.

Aragorn: Good!

Gandalf: *glares at Aragorn* As I saying, the people of Rohan will need you. The defenses have to hold.

Aragorn: I will hold Éowyn's...*Gandalf glares at Aragorn*...I mean, they will hold.

*Gandalf reaches Shadowfax and strokes him*

Gandalf: The Grey Pilgrim. That's what they used to call me...

Gimli: Yak, yak, yak. Why don't you just go?

*Gandalf mounts Shadowfax*

Gandalf: Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.

Gimli: JUST GO! *raises axe*

*Gandalf rides off, passing Legolas and Gimli on his way out of the stable*

Gimli: Damned git almost ran us over!

Later days!
->Elenrod

[ 10:24 PM January 25, 2004: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Arwen Evenstar]

Darn! I forgot what comes next! That hardly ever happens! If I mess this up I`m so sorry! Alright, I`ll try:

Sam: Hey, Stinker, don`t be gettin` too far ahead!
Gollum: Why is it soo mean to us?!
Sam: I was talking to Frodo, stupid!
(Frodo glares thinking, "Do I really smell that bad?". Gollum goes back to chasing fish.)
Frodo: Why do you do that?
Sam: What?
Frodo: Call him names, run him down all the time.
Sam: Because. That`s what he is Mr. Frodo. There`s not left in him but lies and deceit. It`s the ring he wants. It`s all he cares about.
Frodo: You have no idea what it did to him. What its still doing to him!
Sam: Uhhhh... what`s it doing to him?
Frodo: (scratching his head) Hmmmmm... I forget. Anyway, I want to help him, Sam.
Sam: Why?
Frodo: Because... because... Oh stop confusing me, you stupid fat hobbit!
(Sam nods and walks away)
I`m sorry, Sam. I don`t know why I said that.
Sam: I do.
Frodo: You do?
Sam: Yes. You said that because ...er...um...never mind.
Frodo: (making a noise in his throat)
Gollum! Gollum! (walks away)
Sam: Can`t you here yourself? Don`t you know who sound like? (walks away)
Gollum: (still chasing fish, looks up)
Where`d they go?

I know, it`s very lame. It was fun though! smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/evil.gif smilies/tongue.gif

[Meneltarmacil]

Just to clear some things up, as we just skipped a few scenes...

The next scene was where Aragorn and Eowyn did their little "duel", then Grima telling Saruman that the road to Helm's Deep was dangerous and Saruman giving the order to send out the Warg Riders. After that, there's the scene in the post above this one, then Gollum's famous "talking-to-self" scene.

This site (http://www.council-of-elrond.com/tttrans.html) has the whole script in movie order, so please check it if you can before posting. Thanks!

I personally can't do justice to the Eowyn/Aragorn scene, so I'll pass it to somebody else.

And be sure to leave the Pyre of Denethor scene for Meela, as I don't think anybody is NEARLY as qualified for it as she is. smilies/wink.gif smilies/evil.gif

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 11:57 PM January 24, 2004: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

&lt;Éowyn opens a chest in which lies a sword. She unsheathes it and begins to practice. She swings around and is met by Aragorn, who blocks her parry.&gt;

Aragorn: You have some skill with a blade.

&lt;With a swift move, Éowyn swings her sword and renders Aragorn vulnerable, gaining the upper hand.&gt;

Éowyn: I know, I got ****ed off ages ago that my uncle wasn't letting me fight, so I learnt how to use a sword so I could disguise myself as a Rider...but don't tell Theoden...

Aragorn: Not a word...Ahem, now back to the script...What do you fear, my lady?

Éowyn: Theoden finding out that I've learnt how to use a blade and disguised myself as a rider. His slipper really hurts...

Aragorn: You are a sneaky, deceitful little woman... &lt;He sheaths his knife.&gt; I do not think that would be your fate...and stop staring at me...

&lt;He bows and Éowyn gazes after him as he walks away.&gt;

[Sleepy Ranger]

If nobody minds I'll do the next scene.

&lt;Nighttime, Frodo and Sam are asleep. Gollum is crouching in a corner by himself.&gt;

Gollum: We wants it. We needs it. We lovesss it. We diesss without it. It was our first and last love. We needs it. We needs it.

Smeagol: No we love master but stupid fat hobbit not let us get close.

Gollum:Yes, precious. We loves it too......I mean he will cheat you, hurt you, break your heart.

Smeagol: Masters closer than a friend.

Gollum: You don't have a friend you're too fat thats why nobody would date you back in school.

Smeagol:&lt;Staring at his hand watching the nailpolish dry&gt;You say something?

Smeagol#3: No maybe no. 4 did.

Smeagol#4: What I didn't say a thing.

Smeagol#5: Nope not me.

Smeagol: Wait how many more are there?

Gollum: Well due to budget cuts ony the 7 of us there were supposed to be about 7 million.

Smeagol: HAHAHA

Gollum: That was my line.

Smeagol#4: Come and give me a big kiss.

Smeagol: Gaaaaahhhhh!! Go away! Go away! Master loves us now we don't need you.

&lt;Smeagol pants and then looks around to see that they're all gone.&gt;

Smeagol: Well thats over with.
--------------------------------------------

Next is the rabbits scene. Hope someone likes it.

[Elennar Starfire]

Smeagol: Lookie! Lookie, mommie! See what good Smeagol finds? *drops two mutilated rabbits in Frodo's lap*

Frodo:*stares at the rabbits, then at Smeagol, in horror*

Smeagol:What? Are they not tenderized enough yet? *picks one up and starts chewing on it*

Sam: *turns an unattractive shade of green* You'll make him sick, you will! You've already made me sick!

Smeagol: Thank you, Yoda. smilies/rolleyes.gif

Sam: There's only one way to eat a brace of coneys! *muttering* probably give us all indigestion, after being touched by that slimeball...

~LATER~

Smeagol: Stupid fat hobbit! I wasn't finished tenderizing them!

Sam: I am not fat! *cries*

That is the end of my creativity for now. Back when my brain recharges.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Errr...guys...you forgot this...

--------------------

Gríma: Theoden will not stay at Edoras. It's vulnerable from our lawyers and random solicitors. He knows this. They will flee to Dunkirk...

Saruman: Dunkirk?

Gríma: Ooops, wrong war...hehe...I meant Helm's Helmet? Helm's Comb?

*Saruman arches left eyebrow*

Gríma: Look, it's here...*points at map*...OK?! I'm not an atlas or something!

Saruman(strides through the caverns of Isengard muttering): Insubordinate servants...*shouts* Hey! Sharkû!

*An exact clone of Saruman appears(Well, this is...slightly disturbing.)*

Saruman: What the...where's Sharkû?

Sharkû: I'm Sharkû!

Saruman: No, you fool...the Orc!

Sharkû: I'm not an Orc!

Saruman: But PJ named the Orc who handles the Hyenas...Bacons...Something-that-growls...whatever...look, PJ named the Orc "Sharkû!"

*Sharkû walks out muttering, then bonks PJ hard in the noggin. PJ is knocked unconscious*

Elenrod Felagund, someone who happened to be there at that moment: OK, continue!

Saruman: Send out your Warg Riders.

*Sharkû (the Orc) snarls and growls*

--------------------

Well, that was disconcerting...

Later days! smilies/cool.gif
-&gt;Elenrod

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 10:15 PM January 25, 2004: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Oddwen]

I care too! It's just been busy, I guess...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Sam: I am not fat! *Sam sobs his li'l heart out*

*meanwhile, Frodo hears a loud sneeze and goes to investigate*

Gollum: Oh, isn't he Precious? Fat he is!

Sam: I am not fat! I'm just...festively plump.

G: Pphhft.

Sam: Boy, all we need now is some 'taters.

G: Taters? Oh, puh-leesssse. You ignorant FAT hobbitses...don't need taters. Rutabaga and chives! And you'll be wanting some nicccce parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme too, eh precious?

S: I'll parsley sage rosemary and thyme you...hey Mr. Frodo? *goes crashing loudly through the brush screaming* MISTER FROOOOODOOOOOOOO!!!

*Frodo grabs Sam's leg from his hiding place in a bush*

F: Will you shut up!

*Smeagol sneaks up behind them, giggling faintly and holding a cup of warm water*

S: That only works when we're asleep, Stinker! Oh wait, I probably shouldn't have said that. Every time you open your mouth, my old Gaffer used to say, I'd put my big foo-*Frodo stifles him*

*The trio see in front of them sneaking through the bushes...men wearing altogether too much eyeliner! It is a horrible sight, as one of them keeps drinking out of a glass bottle and screaming "That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you, savvy?" But just then, Sam grabbed Frodo's arm*

S: Mr. Frodo, look! It's an Oliphaunt!

F: Where?

S: *points* Right there!

F: I don't see...

S: *grabs Fro's head and points it at the Oliphaunt* RIGHT there.

F: Sorry, I'm just not seeing it.

S: D'oh!

*Gollum, tiring of this stupidity, abruptly leaves*

S: How can you say you can't see it? It's as grey as a mouse, and big as a house!

F: Sorry, dude. Must be my politician wound has blinded me to potential pork bills.

S: Pork?? Pork??? Mr. Frodo, I know pork, and that ain't pork!

*Suddenly, arrows fwip! out of nowhere, and the men in eyeliner start screaming and flailing wildly. The one with the bottle screamed out "YO HO my hearties!" one last time before being ensnared in a loose rope off of one of the Oliphaunts, and jerked about like a rag doll. His body landed smack in front of the two hobbits*

S&F: Yipe.

F: I think we've lingered quite long enough. Let's skedaddle. *Fro jumps up and turns, and runs right into a really tall man*

S: I can't believe you didn't see that...hey Mr. Tall Guy! Did you see that Oliphaunt?

Tall Guy: Several.

S: I told you, Mr. Frodo....hey! You can't treat Mr. Frodo like that! *he tries to pull his sword out of the sheath, but it sticks*

S: Dratted Gollum and his dratted peanut butter...nevermind! I think I'll just sit on you! *he rushes the man, but another knocks him down and puts a sword to his throat*

*A creepy guy appears. His nose is very large*

Faramir: Bind their hair from their faces. It must be blinding them.

Madril: Ahem...

F: Oh yes. Glue their fingernails together...*Madril shakes his head* I mean tie them together with used hankerchiefs. *Madril rolls his eyes and the hobbits are toted off screaming*


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wheee-eeew!

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 1:40 AM January 31, 2004: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Oddwen]

I just had to do this scene too:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

*Scene: The Three Hunters, Gandalf, and the Rohirrim are riding to Helm's Deep. Gimli is on a horse, chatting to Eowyn who is walking beside him*

Gimli: True, you don't see many Dwarf women. The truth is, they are so ugly that the men never let them out of the caves for fear that they will be mistaken for Orcs, heheheheh. And if you believe that, I have a piece of Mt. Doom I can sell.

Eowyn: (in a monotone as she gazes unblinkingly at Aragorn) Heh. Heh. Heh.

G: It's of course rediculous, since I've never been near Mt. Doom. I did, however, go to the Lonely Mountain when I was a lad...

Arod (The horse): STOP! Stop, I can't take it anymore! *charges off*

Gimli (while flying through the air): ...It was the nicest summer I had ever seen. The grass was long, the sun was keen, the shining river afar was seen...*thump*

Eowyn: *smirk*

Theoden: Eowyn, go pick him up. He is company, after all.

Eowyn: *grump*

Gimli: I meant to do that. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. My friend Grakalaka and I were taking a walk down by the stone gardens and...

Entire host: AAARRGH!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Next scene is the Aragorn/Arwen flashback.
Or...when did the Stew scene appear? I can't remember.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Hey! At the risk of sounding presumptious, I've got a few ideas...mind if I place them here? Thanks! smilies/smile.gif

Merry: Ok. *looks around and hides the gun in his bag. Walks away wistling*

We could use the M-16 for the slaying of Witch-King...

Hey, what do you think about Boromir not dying, at least not at Amon Hen?

I've got these few ideas...


1. Arwen kisses...Boromir?

2. Gimli: Where is he? I'm gonna kill him!...Boromir? You fell?
Boromir: I fell? I FELL??? You hit me with the axe!

3. Legolas: That is no Orc-horn.
Gimli: No, it's Boromir's...

4. Boromir to die in Helm's Deep, but how is up to you...

Thanks! smilies/cool.gif
-&gt;Elenrod

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 10:29 PM February 01, 2004: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Meneltarmacil]

We could use the M-16 for the slaying of Witch-King...

I had the same idea! Great minds think alike, don't they?

OK,it's official. The M-16 is used for that scene.

[Kransha]

Continuing into the Warg Attack Sequence

*Gamling and Hama are scouting*

Hama: Ya know, Gamling, you and I are nothing more than extra characers designed to respond to all of Theoden's orders and our purpose from book to script has been mangled horribly.

Gamling: You, shut up.

*Right on cue, a huge pink hyena/lemming pounces on Hama*

Hama: NOOOOOOO! My brief and unnoticed career cut short by a lemming!

*Legolas is already on top of the lemming, riding it like a cowboy*

Legolas: Giddy-up little doggie!

*the warg dies because of the bad cliche*

Legolas: A scout!

Hama's dead body: Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

-Cut to back with the refugees-

[Meneltarmacil]

ARWEN: The light of the Evenstar does not fade.

ARAGORN: I am asleep. This is a dream...

ARWEN: Then it is a good dream... *kiss*

*Aragorn wakes up to the smell of warg breath, and finds that he has just kissed a warg*

ARAGORN: Zzzz...Oh, Arwen...zzz...snort.. Huh? What the-
EYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

*chops off warg's head and runs*

THEODEN: What is it? What do you see?

ARAGORN: Wargs! We're under attack!

Next scene is... well, you know, the warg attack/cliff fall scene.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

*Aragorn turns around to look at Éowyn, then rides to battle*
*Everyone is silent*

Aragorn: It's not me. I took a bath, I swear. *looks at the battlefield, sees Gimli twirling his axe, killing the last lemming*

Théoden: Well, I'll be...the midget did it.

Legolas: Hey, I shot a little doggie, too.


-----Flashback to Isengard-----

Elenrod Felagund, someone who happened to be there at that moment: OK, continue!

Saruman: Send out your Warg Riders.

*Sharkû (the Orc) snarls and growls*

Saruman: Oh, and send the fangirls, too. Just in case.

-----End flash back-----


Fangirls: viggo! orly! We luv u!!!!!!!!11 lol

Gamling: Fangiiiiiiiirls!!!!

*The fangirls pass by Gimli, and try to grab Legolas and Aragorn*

Gimil: What? None for me?

*Two fangirls grab Gimli by the beard*

Gimliluver17: Look!!!!1 Hes so cute! lol

*Gimli hacks both their heads with an axe*

Gimli: Legolas! Two!

Legolas(shooting fangirls): I'm on 17-

Gimli: What?!

Legolas: -million.

Gimli: Another: What?!

*Aragorn tries to run away from the fangirls, not realising he is no longer on solid ground, but is over the edge of the cliff
*The law of gravity takes effect*

Aragorn: It's one of those days...

Later days! smilies/cool.gif
-&gt;Elenrod

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Well, I'm back:

Aragorn Fangirls(who were still alive): waaaaaaa!!!!111 viggo dyed!!!!!1 *they all die - just because I want to, and I can smilies/smile.gif *

Théoden: Well, that's that, then. Let's go.

Legolas: Good call! *sees struggling fangirl* Hold on a sec.

iluvviggo3184832654891: lokk! look!!!! i got the evanstar, lol *dies*

Legolas: I'll take that. *takes the Evenstar*

Théoden: It looks better on you.

Legolas: Thanks. Let's go!

--------------------

I can't continue!!! Who's next?
-&gt;Elenrod

[Meneltarmacil]

The next scene is the refugees arriving at Helm's Deep, but I have no time to post, as I have to go to school in a minute.

[Kransha]

-Refugees Arriving-

*Eowyn and the refugees filing into Helm's Deep*

Eowyn: C'mon, I don't have all day.

Boy: (jumping up and down), HEY, LOOK EVERYONE! It's me, some random kid of one of the cast and crew who used nepotism to get a cameo in this movie. HELLOO! NOTICE ME!

Eowyn: Shut up *chops off boy's head*

Eowyn: Glad that's over. I hate random cameos. Makes me want to join the PETA...Well, not really.

Woman: Who are you talking to?

Eowyn: Myself.

Woman: Okaaaaay *turns around and conceals a very loud laugh*

Somebody off camera: THE WARRIORS ARE RETURNING!

*Theoden and his troop ride into Helm's Deep*

Theoden: Hello, hello, how's it shakin'? Had a very good day, killing orcs, wargs, fangirls, a rabid lemur, and eating a lot. By the way, Aragorn fell off a cliff. Bye.

Fangirls: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Theoden: Shut up *chops off fangirls head*

Eowyn: But where is lord Aragorn?

Theoden: I just told you, he's-

Gimli: (interrupting) He fell.

Legolas: Oh, you just had to say that. You're only serious line in the movie. I'm very impressed.

Gimli: Shut up, pointy ear!

Legolas: Half pint!

Gimli: Blondie!

Legolas: Beardie!

Fangirls: ARAGOOOOOOOOORN!

Warg: Ya know, he's not really dead. It's just a plot device.

Legolas: How'd you get here?

Warg: Like I said, plot device.


-Back to Aragorn in his perilous situation-

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 8:57 AM February 06, 2004: Message edited by: Kransha ]

[Nimrothiel]

-Aragorn in his perilous situation-

*Aragorn has hit the water, which is much deeper than it looks; an odd yellow object with five people in it approaches him*

George: "What is it?"

Ringo: "Well lads, it looks human."

John: "Well then, who is it?"

Paul: "We won't know that unless we send someone out there."

Young Fred: "I don't know if you want to do that lads, the Sea of Science-Fiction is a very dangerous place."

John: "We're not in a sea, we're in a river."

Young Fred: "Who's the mariner, you or me?"

George: "Let's not fight lads, we still need to send someone out there to help that poor bloke; I think he's drowning."

Ringo: "Right then, I'll go."

*he dons a scuba suit and exits the sub*

Paul: "He seems to be doing pretty well out there; he's got the stranger."

*Ringo comes back to the sub; Puff the Magic Dragon swims up behind him*

All in sub: "Watch out!"

*Ringo turns around and sees Puff; he begins swimming as fast as he can to the sub.*

Puff (singing): "Little Jackie Paper, loved that rascal Puff..."

John: "Look at that, a singing dragon."

*Ringo reaches the sub with Aragorn just before Puff reaches him; disappointed, Puff swims away*

Ringo: "Well, that was a close one. Take a look at this bloke; he's an odd one now, isn't he?"

John: "Never seen a bloke with a sword like he's wearing."

Paul: "I've never seen a bloke wearing a sword."

George: "Should we take him with us, do you think?"

Ringo: "No, I think he came from a place above the water; he probably wants to go back there."

Young Fred: "But the longer we take here, the less chance we have of stopping the Blue Meanies!"

Paul: "Relax, this won't take long."

*John surfaces the sub, Ringo and Paul lay Aragorn on the river bank*

Paul: "See? Someone's bound to find him; I think he was just starting to come out of it."

Young Fred: "Well, let's get going, we have to stop the Blue Meanies!"

*the sub submerges; Aragorn stirs and catches a glimspe of it, as well as Puff's head*

Aragorn: "This is a dream..."

*he is suddenly in the house of Elrond with Arwen; who is dressed in a tye-dye robe and rose tinted glasses*

Arwen: "Then it is a groovy dream. Sleep."

Okay, someone else can take it from here.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 10:52 AM February 06, 2004: Message edited by: Nimrothiel ]

[Meneltarmacil]

ARWEN: *kisses Aragorn*

ARAGORN: *snort* Wha? Huh?

*wakes up and realizes he's just kissed a horse*

ARAGORN: *pushes horse away and gets up, spitting water out of his mouth* Geez, this is the second time this has happened to me in one day... Now why is the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" stuck in my head, I wonder?

Next scene is Arwen leaving for the Grey Havens, then a Galadriel voice-over, then the scene cuts to Frodo, Sam, and Faramir if I remember correctly. Also, don't worry about the Treebeard scenes, just leave them to me... smilies/evil.gif

[Sleepy Ranger]

Um, I've got a request can I do the Eowyn/WK/Merry scene when we reach there?

[Meneltarmacil]

Certainly, Sleepy Ranger, but just be sure to include Merry using the M16 he stole from Aragorn earlier.

I appear to have goofed. The next scene is where Saruman sends out his army, then the beginning of Entmoot, then Aragorn scene that's already been written, then the scene where Arwen leaves. Next is a Galadriel voice-over, and we pick up where Frodo, Sam and Faramir left off.

[Oddwen]

If ya doon't mahnd, Iy-ll trie tae doe thoe Aeoriwen floeshbeck scenches...uh, yeah.

Eowyn: Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel?

Aragorn: Uhh.....what woman? This is from Gimli.

E: But, it's too graceful for Dwarven-smithery.

A: I dunno what you're talking about.

E: And when do male dwarves start giving jewelry to other men?

Gimli: Male? Oh, please, you silly girl.

E: *gulp*


(If that fits in anywhere...if not...)


*Scene: Theoden and Gamling are pacing the walls, preparing for battle*

Theoden: Mm-hmm. Yup. *nodnod* *point* A-yup.

Gamling: Sire?

T: Gamling, tell the men to set up my beach chair there. It looks like I might be able to deepen my tan there.

G: *ahem*

T: Oh, um, I mean, muster there, draw back behind *mumblemumble*

G: But, my lord, what of the women and children?

T: They can all take turns giving me massages and fluffing my pillows...*angry glare from Gamling* I mean, get them safely bestowed into the caves *mumblemumble*

Voice from a culvert: Helm's deep has one weakness, besides King Theoden. A small culvert, little more than a drain and just as easily clogged with hair, is the one weakness in the very thick, hard wall.

Saruman: A-hum. But Grima, tell me, why are we crouched in a culvert?

Grima: Well, um, we're scouting.

Saruman: Here I sit, waist deep in water...when I have thousands of Orc spies at my beck and call...Grima, why did I get stuck with you?

G: But look, we're scouting! We're outside in the wild, camping and doing some male bonding!

S: ....eh?

Random Rohirrim: Hey, Denthelm! There are some kids hiding in that culvert again!

Random Rohirrim 2: Get the sticks!

S&G: Yipe! *skeedaddle*

G *panting*: What I don't get is...*wheeze*...how can fire...*pant*...undo stone? *gasp*

S: It's my own invention. I like to call it "Dy-no-mite!"

G: But even with...*gasp*...such an implement, it would take...um, lots and lots to even hope to make a dint! *whimper*

S: So? Your point?

G: Well, last time I checked, that many gullible orcs don't exist.

S: It's time to update, pal.

*The two suddenly run into a nearby canyon, wherin is stowed thousands upon thousands of Orcs! Grima, holding his pore feet is speechless and a tear rolls down his face."

S: Are we ready to rock?

Hoarde: Yeah!

S: Are we ready to roll?

Hoarde: Yeah!!

S: Are we ready to rock and roll?

Hoarde: YEAHH!!

S: Then, let's go!

*The hoarde troops off*

S: I hope Men have set their alarms, because dawn comes a bit early around these parts.

G: Huh?

S: Nevermind. You wouldn't understand.


Annnd, next is Merry+Pip+Treebeard gazing on "Smoke to the South".

[Kransha]

I believe I'll try the Merry/Pippin/Treebeard Scene..

*Merry and Pippin are still riding on Treebeard*

P: Look! There's smoke riding from the south!

T: And they don't even have a building permit. Hooom.

P: Who?

T: Isengard.

M: Isengard?

T: There was a time when Saruman would jog in my woods and dance and sing with woodland creatures gathering around him, but now he has a hip of metal and wheels. It was a war injury I think. He no longer cares for mowing things, so he forces his orcs to go out for him. They have no idea how to tend forests, honestly! Hoom!

*The hobbits' heads turn ceremoniously*

M: It's Saruman's army.

T: Oh really? Ya think?

M: War has started!

P: I doubt it. That's probably the ten thousand orc hairdressers going to un-grease Aragorn's hair.

M: Hey, where is that ranger/elf lover/swordsman/future king anyway?


*Cut to Aragorn floating down the Entwash*

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Kransha, is your avatar the picture of the Overmind (or any Zerg structure, if selected)? Cool! :)

Anywhen...these here scenes are already done, but I invoke this clause of the amendment that made this parody.

Oh, and can there be more than one version of a scene submitted to this thread?
That, and I plan to put this on my page Stupid Ring-style, so I'll need outtakes. And Behind the Scenes, if that isn't much trouble. :)

OUTTAKES: Éowyn and Aragorn

Aragorn: You have some skill with a blade.
Éowyn: No, NO, NO! It's parry - riposte. Parry - riposte! Eru, who taught you how to fence? Viggo Mortensen?
Aragorn: Wha-hat?
Éowyn: Look - PJ told me you sucked at swords so much, you'll probably fall off a cliff before RotK. So, he sent me to teach you.
Aragorn: Sucked at swords...cliff? PJ! *goes off to find PJ, gives him a good bonk in the head*
Théoden: Uh, guys...looks like we'll have to stop taping for a while - PJ's unconscious again.

OUTTAKES: Aragorn and Arwen

Aragorn: I am a mortal. You are elf kind. It was a dream, Arwen, nothing more.
Arwen: Why are you saying this?
Aragorn: Duh! Isn't it obvious? I'm breaking up with you.
Arwen: What?! Before prom?! You have some nerve...wait, Figwit's been asking me out for sometime now. He might take me to the prom.
Aragorn: What? What prom?
Arwen: He-LLO! Have you been living in the wild or something? The Rivendell High School Prom! Next week! Even Jughead's coming, I heard.
Aragorn: So, what, are we in "Archie Comics" now?
PJ: Tell me this is a crazy alternate universe. Please.

Later days! :cool:
->Elenrod

[Oddwen]

Just wanted to say...I made a few avatars based on this parody.

Inspired by Meela:
Glad to be back? (http://img19.photobucket.com/albums/v58/Oddwen/avatars/gladtobeback.gif) (64x64, 5k)
Cart (http://img19.photobucket.com/albums/v58/Oddwen/avatars/cart.gif) (64x64, 16k)

Inspired by Nimrothiel:
Groovy (http://img19.photobucket.com/albums/v58/Oddwen/avatars/groovydream.gif) (64x64, 2k)

So's you know.



Behind the scenes: Rivendell

Arwen: I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT FROG!

Staffperson: But, ma'am...this is supposed to be a symbol of uneding love between you and your intended...

A: I DON'T CARE!

Aragorn: Please?

Arw: EEWWWW!!

Aragorn: Pretty please?

Arw: Okay!

Staffperson: But...huh?

(rather lame)

*~*~*~*~*~*~
Drat! I started to edit this, had a whole thing going, and IE crashed! Let's see if I can remember it...
Scene: Rivendell, after Arwen telepathically kisses Aragorn

Agent Elrond: Arwen...skip to my Lou.

Arwen: What?

AE: Tormenting you...you will sit in a chair all the way to Valinor. It's bad, so bite me!

A: Have you been talking elvish with Aragorn again?

AE: That's exactly my point! Aragorn is going to die, so why should he take you with him? BURN HIM, I SAY!

A: What?

AE: Err...I mean, he is not coming back. Why do you stay?

A: Because I've made my choice. And I'm 110% sure.

AE: Only 110%? Really?

A: Da-ad...

(the next day...)

AE: *too casually* Say, Arwen, how would you like to take a sailboat ride with your dear ol' Dad?

A: Hey, that sounds...suspiciously like you're trying to get me to go to Valinor!

AE: Who, me?

A: I tell you, I've made my choice!

AE: Curses. Foiled again.

(the next day...)

AE: *rushing in* Arwen, Arwen! Come quick, you've got to see! Cirdan says he's captured the biggest frog in the world! It's on his fastest ship, and he says you can have it for your wildlife swamp if you just come and get it!

A: Dad...I'm-not-going.

AE: Aww, it took me all day to think of that!

(the next evening...)

AE: *saaaaunters into his daughter's room* So, you've made your choice, huh?

A: Yup. I'm going to stay in Middle-earth, become mortal, marry Aragorn, bear his children, and then...die.

AE: *waaaanders to the window* If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated, and Aragorn made king and all that you hope for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time, Aragorn will die.

(Arwen sees a vision...she is standing beside the embalmed body of Aragorn...who is still clutching that darn sword...to her satisfaction, she has still kept her figure, but her face is shadowed by a veil.)

AE: And it'll be too bad for you, 'cuz he'll be dead and you won't. Though I do agree, he makes a very handsome corpse.

A: *twitch*

AE:But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt, as nightfall in winter that comes without a star, here you will dwell, bound to your grief, under the fading trees, until all-the world-is-changed-and-the-long-years-of yourlifeareutterlyspent. *gasp*

(Arwen sees herself wandering in black through a deserted wood...cue music "Paint it Black" by Rolling Stones...)

AE: Arwen, there's nothing for you here...except a death-cream-cone for dessert.

A: *sobsobsobpause* ...a what-cream-cone?

AE: Uhh...death?

A: Hey, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN! I'm NOT going TO VALINOR!!!!!!!!!!

AE: Fine!! See if I care! *sudden inspiration* But they do say that three-quarter-elven daughters start to resemble their half-elven fathers as they grow older...

A: WHAT??? WHEN'S THE NEXT SHIP GOING TO VALINOR????

AE: Jeez. Thanks a lot.

*Arwen is rushing about, packing.*

A: WAHH!

AE: You don't need to be...*sees Arwen fleeing the room* I didn't mean...*Arwen leaps onto a horse* Could you just...*The horse gallops off*

AE: Have a nice trip.

(Hey, Nilpaurion, I notice you're doing the same scene at almost the same time...freaky, huh?)

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Can I bring those to my page?

--------------------

Arwen is still lying on her bed.

Elrond: Ano ka ba?! Nakahiga ka pa rin? Bangon na, tamad! Aalis na barko mo! [You are still in bed? Get up, you lazybones! Your ship is leaving!]

Arwen sits up.

Arwen: Do I get the coconut thing with a drink inside.

Elrond: No.

Arwen: How about my teddy? Can he go, too?

Elrond: Let me see...no.

Arwen: Then I have made my choice.

Elrond: He is not coming back. Why do you linger here when there is no hope.

Arwen: I want my teddy!

Elrond: If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated and Aragorn made King and all that you hope for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time, Aragorn will die.

A a crypt in Minas Tirith, Aragorn lies atop it with Anduril clasped in his hands. Arwen is veiled and mourning, other mourners pass. As Elrond speaks, Aragorn's body becomes a stone sculpture. Arwen stands alone at the foot of his crypt.

Elrond: There will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death. An image of the splendor of the Kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell, bound to your grief, under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent.

Arwen wanders in a bare, cold forest.

Elrond: Arwen...

Arwen: Zzzsnork...huh? Oh, yeah sure. Can I bring teddy?

Elrond: Just go, OK? Is that so hard to do?

[Oddwen]

Yes! You may!

In fact, here's another one I whipped up...

Inspired by Me:
Death (http://img19.photobucket.com/albums/v58/Oddwen/avatars/deathcreamcone.gif) (64x64, 9k)


And good night, all!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Yeah, that was freaky.

And the new avatar thing was fast work. Angband, if we made ops as fast as that, Istanbul never would have happened.

Could you have given an analogy not involving classified materials?

OK, OK.

--------------------

Arwen walks away from Rivendell with a host of Elves carrying lanterns. She looks over her shoulder at her father Elrond who looks on soberly.

Galadriel in Lothlorien speaks to Elrond in Rivendell.

Galadriel: Putol ang linya mo. 'di ka kasi nagbabayad ng telepono, eh.

Elrond: Errr...Eh....

Galadriel: Never mind, stupid. You gave that Ring to a halfling. Now the big-nosed...

Faramir: Who's big-nosed?

Galadriel: IF you don't mind, this is a private conversation.

Faramir: Sorry.

Galadriel: As I was saying, now that big-nosed son of the cuckoo steward will take the Ring to his father.

Faramir: Will not!

Galadriel: A-HEM!

Faramir: Sorry.

Galadriel: As I was saying, the only way you can redeem yourself is by going to Helm's Deep with all your soldiers, and place yourself under Aragorn's command...

Elrond: Wait. Me, under him?!

Galadriel: Yes.

Elrond: But I'll die! Remember what happened to Glorfindel?

[i]Galadriel giggles, then chuckles, then falls over laughing.

Galadriel: *wheeze*...I remember that. Poor Glorfie...and your point is...

Elrond: I can't die! I have a daughter to protect from dirty king-wannabes!

Galadriel: OK. Haldir!

Haldir comes, as if anyone can dare disobey Galadriel.

Haldir: What is your wish?

Galadriel: You're going to Helm's Deep with Aragorn.

Haldair: Aww man!!! He stinks!

Galadriel: Yeah, I know. Just go, please?

Galadriel does the glower-eye thing.

Haldir (reluctantly): As you wish.

--------------------

That made sense... :rolleyes:

[Eowyn Skywalker]

Hey, here's one... I think it's in the right order for this...
Includes some Behind the Scenes... heh heh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Faramir: What news?
Random guy without name: Well... there's this girl in Edoras who loves you... Agent Smith is killing Neo... Um, Osgiliath is falling...
Faramir: Not that kind of NEWS!!!!!!!!!
Random guy: Oh, well... Rohan is under attack... Um, Saruman is trying to kill them, and well, that's that.
Faramir: Oh, well, no worrys then.
Random guy: Nah, the worst that could happen is that Sauron takes over the world, and we all die. Cuz, you see, Mordor is letting loose all their scary armies and there about 6789089675768123 of them every day.
Faramir: How far are you willing to go to save Gondor?
Random guy: I'd die for Gondor.
Faramir: Good, no worries then.
Random guy: Faramir, are you worried?
Faramir: THAT'S CAPTIAN FARAMIR!!!!! CAPTIAN!!!!!!!!! (Kills random guy) I WANT TO BECOME POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO TAKE OVER THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!! I AM POWERFULER THAN BOROMIR, THAT STUPID WRAITH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boromir wraith: Faramir, use the Force.
Faramir: I hate you.

(Behind the Scenes:
Peter Jackson: (Hits head on medal pole) Why did I have to work on this move?! WHY?!
Howard Shore: Hmm... cool theme music for this scene...
Peter: Oh, why do you care?
Howard: THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enya: I can't sing for this warped movie! (Walks away.)
End of behind scene)

(Outtakes:
Faramir: (Kills random guy) Umm... Wasn't I suppose to kill him?
Peter Jackson: For the love of God, now we need ANOTHER actor for this part!!!!!!!!
Frodo: When's it my turn to say a line?
Faramir: Can I kill him too?
Peter: (Hits head on medal pole)
End outtake)

(Frodo and Sam are dragged into the cave.)
Sam: Ouch. Are you trying to turn me into something unnatural?
Frodo: I never should've took this role.
Faramir: I TOLD YOU BOROMIR, QUIT HAUNTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boromir wraith: Mwha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!! I always told you that I was the oldest brother. It's a conspiracy!
Faramir: You bet it is.
Frodo: Boromir?!?!?!?!?!
Boromir: Um... uh-oh... (Disappears)
Faramir: Traitor.
Sam: Can someone untie me please?
Frodo: Gandalf is late. I HATE IT WHEN THAT WIZARD ISN'T AROUND WHEN YOU NEED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!
Faramir: Someone untie them.
Sam: My wrists fell off.
Faramir: Serves you right, orc spy.
Sam: I'm no spy!
Faramir: Well, I say you are, and what I say goes, and nothing else can overrule me!
Frodo: Whatever. Well, I have the One Ring, and there's nothing that can stop me from turning you into something unnatural!
Faramir: Oh, the One Ring, ehh?
Frodo: I AM POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
Sam: (Fidgets with Ring that he stole from Frodo.)
Gandalf: (Mind wipes everyone.)
Frodo: Duh... why am I here?
Sam: Ooo, pretty ring...
Peter Jackson: What movie was I making?
Gandalf: (Hits head on medal pole.)
Frodo: Gandalf, where'd you come from?
Gandalf: (Disappears in a flash of light) I'm a hologram! (Mind wipes them again!)
Frodo: Um, short term memory loss!
Sam: Um, Mr. Frodo, I think this is yours. (Gives him ring.)

(Behind the scenes:
Peter Jackson: What idiot wrote this script?!
Legolas: Did you steal my hairbrush?
Peter: This is behind the scenes, you idiot.
Legolas: Humph!
Howard Shore: I have some more cool theme music for you!
Peter: Ug.
End Behind Scenes)

Frodo: Wow, that cool theme music must mean something is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: It's hypnotic!
Faramir: Goody. So, who are you, anyhow?
Frodo: I'm Agent Underhill!

(Behind scenes:
Peter: Rrrrgggggg!
Hugo Weaving: I think he's been watching the Matrix.
Howard: I have MORE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enya: YOU RECORDED ME SINGING IN THE SHOWER, YOU, YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter: Please, can someone else film this????????
End Behind Scene)

Faramir: Right.
Frodo: I'm Frodo Baggins of the Shire, and this is my slave.
Sam: (Glares.)
Frodo: Oh fine, he's my servant.
Faramir: Bodyguard?
Sam: Gardener. Hey, would you like a crash course on growing Potatoes?
Faramir: No. And where's the other one?

(Behind scene:
Andy: Haaallllppp!!!! I'M LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO BE AT THE SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Agent Smith: Where is Neo?
Peter: Not funny, Weaving.
Agent Smith: Where did you hide Neo?
Howard: I NEED MORE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter: Unducttape me NOW!!!!!!!!!!
Agent Smith: Mwha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End Behind Scene)

Sam: What other one? Do you see another hobbit?
Frodo: I don't think that they are filming yet.
Faramir: Yes they are. Where's the other one, he was slimy looking.
Frodo: Ooooh, him. Yah, I threw him to the Oliphants... he stunk.
Faramir: Lyre.
Frodo: Am NOT!!!
Faramir: No, that's the theme music! And you are lying!
Frodo: Fine, there was no other.
Faramir: Are you sure?
Frodo: We set out from Rivendell with seven companions... One was a scary wizard guy that needs a new hat. Two were dumb hobbits like us. One was a scary dwarf... I hate to think what lives in his beard. Then there was this Elf dude that thought only about himself and his precious bow. There was also a King of Gondor dude that didn't want to be king. And there was a Boromir of Godor who was taller than me... he had a big horn.
Faramir: You were a friend of Boromir?
Frodo: No. He was ugly, and he stunk. Why?
Faramir: Good. No worries then.
Frodo: Why? You his brother or something?
Faramir: Umm... yes.
Frodo: Oh. That's nice. Didja know that he's dead?
Sam: I killed him with my carrot of doom.
Frodo: Shh... no one's suppose to know that!
Faramir: He was my brother, and he is dead, in truth. How did he really die?
Frodo: He's really DEAD?!
Faramir: Yes.
Frodo: How?!
Faramir: I had hoped you would tell me.
Frodo: Oh fine. I snuck Ant Killer in his Lembas.
Faramir: Oh? But he's not an ant.
Frodo: He's dead, isn't he?
Faramir: For that, I'll have to lock you in the food cave!
Sam: YAY!
Frodo: Um YAY!!!!!
Faramir: Eat all you want. I'll come later, and try to steal the One Ring from you.

(Behind the scene:
Peter Jackson: YOU MUST LET ME GO!!!!!!
Enya: I'll sing so high that his eardrums will shatter, and then he will release us.
Agent Smith: Where is Neo?
Enya: (Sings high)
(All goes black.)
Enya V.O.: I think I shattered the camera.
Peter V.O.: Um, yah.
Agent Smith V.O.: I'm dead.
Darth Vader V.O.: I killed him! He underestamated the power of the Force.
Howard V.O.: I need to put more scary music in.
Peter V.O.: Tolkien's gonna kill me.
J.R.R. Tolkien V.O.: MWHA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE ARISEN TO TORMENT YOU!!!!!!!!!
Peter V.O.: This can't be good.
End Behind Scene)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How's that?
-Eowyn Skywalker, the elf with a warped mind... I'm not even an elf...

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

That was um...uh...ah...weird... :D

[Elennar Starfire]

At Helm's Deep:

*sound of bagpipes is heard*

Legolas: That is no orc horn!

Random Rohirrim: *mutters* That's not a horn, you idiot elf.

*Haldir and co march up*

Theoden: Ooo, bagpipes...*blank, hypnotised look* Open the gates!

*gates open*

*Haldir and co enter, with several bagpipers following them*

Aragorn: *looks at bagpipers* What are they doing here?

Haldir: Um...our horn blower quit unexpectedly. This was all we could find on such short notice.

Aragorn: Well, get them to stop!

Haldir: OK, guys, you can stop now!

*Bagpipers keep playing*

Haldir: *louder* I said you can stop!

*Bagpipers keep playing*

Haldir: *shouting* STOP! STOP! STOPSTOPSTOP!

*bagpipers keep playing*

Theoden: Ooo, bagpipes...

Legolas: *shoots holes in the bagpipes so they can't play*

Theoden: Wha...who let these guys in here?

Bagpipers: *keep blowing until they run out of breath, and pass out*
__________________________________________________ __

My mom interrupted me, and now I've lost the momentum of the story. Pooh. Anyway, I want to say that I like bagpipes!

And thanks for the avvie, Oddwen!

[Oddwen]

Quite welcome, Elennar! :D Glad you could use it.
Speaking of avatars, here (http://img19.photobucket.com/albums/v58/Oddwen/avatars/toxicity.gif) is one that Nilp will enjoy especially...

(Hey, I'm watching FotR on tv! It's not supposed to be out until WB airs it later in the year??)

Scene: Henneth Annun

(Faramir is sitting and gazing dreamily off...some guy sneaks up behind him...)

Guy: M'lord...

Faramir: AHHHH!!

Guy: Jeez, sorry...just wanted to say that we found the creepy guy the short guys alluded to.

F: Oh...okay.

Frodo & Sam: Snxxxx....

Faramir: Yo, little dude...yeah, with the ring.

Sam: Me? You're not hoeing po-ta-toes this late at night, are you? They don't like moonlight. Why, I remember that one time me old Gaffer hoed them under a full moon, and they grew eyes! Just like you or me! They were very angry eyes, and right about then old Widow Willowbotton disappeared under suspicious circumstances, so the townsfolk all got their pitchforks and torches and were going to run us out of Hobbiton! But then the potatoes rose up on their stalks...

Faramir: :eek:

Frodo: Sam, he's not interested in that. Tell him about those gardenias that grew right into Petunia Barrelstaver's well!

Sam: Well, it all happened when...

Faramir: Um...much as I'd so love *gag* to hear about the gardenias, there is a pressing matter that needs your input.

Sam: Oh, really? Well, just let me slip my cloak on...

Faramir: No, dimwit, I need your much smarter master, not you.

Sam fans: Humph!

Frodo: *puffing out his little chest* OK!

(The two climb up many winding passages, until they are finally by the waterfall.)

Faramir: *pointing* Down there...

Frodo: Sorry, your nose was just framed there in the moonlight, and it looked so spectacular that I...

Faramir: JUST LOOK!

(Frodo does so...and he sees...LEGOLAS WASHING HIS HAIR! BWAW-HAW-HAW-er, I mean, Gollum eating a fish.)

(Faramir now gestures to archers in camoflage suits who were previously hidden.)

Faramir: Shall I shoot?

Frodo: No! These men should not be allowed to handle firearms! Haven't they heard of not shooting where the shot might bounce back at them? They aren't even wearing Hunter's Orange! This is in complete violation of the Hunter's Safety Code! *he waves a book around* I should report you...

Faramir: ALRIGHT, GUYS, CHANGE OF TARGET, IT IS NOW THE HOBBIT ON MY LEFT! READY...AIM...

Frodo: No! Let me go and read him his rights! Pleeeeeeeeeeze! I've wanted to do that ever since I saw COPS! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze! Pleeeeeeeeeze!

Faramir: AGH! Just go!

(Frodo climbs down the rock, muttering all the while about "rope".)

Gollum: Can't stop, addicted to the shindig...

Fro: Smeagol?

Gollum: Chop top, he says I'm gonna win big...

Fro: Smeagol!

Gollum: Choose not a life of imitation...oh hi Master! Care for some nice...fisssssh? . ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .

Fro: Whoa, those really are some nice fish! Mmm, they look tasty, one might even say...crunchable!

Agitated Voice From Above: Get on with it!

Fro: *in a suddenly deep voice* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Faramir: AGH! *he leaps from the bushes and lassoos Gollum*

Gollum: Hey, watch the fish! . ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .

Faramir: Hey, wow, nice fish! So raw, and...wrr-rr-rr-rr-rriggling!

Sam: Would you guys like to be alone? C'mon, get this slinker up into the cave before I take my pan to yer heads!

F&F&G& >)))o> & >)))o>: Oh, okay...

(The reel rattles...Howard Shore can be heard cackling in the background...record-scraping sounds are heard and we re-appear in the Cave.)

Faramir: Hokey dokey, where were you leading them?

Gollum: Mordor.

Faramir: Oh, okay, well GREAT GAMBOLING GAMLING! Did you say...Mordor??

Gollum: No.

Smeagol: Yes.

Gollum:No.

Smeagol: Uh, we mean no.

Gollum: Last time we checked, Precious, we was heading this, not poor poor Smeagol.

Smeagol: But I sent you away, and away you went!

Gollum: *leaning into the camera and a cheesy Ah-nold voice* But we're back!

Faramir: Gleeps! He's snapped!

SmeaGollum: Hey, where's my fish??

*all gathered turn swiftly to Madril, who is sucking the last bone as we speak!*

Madril: Um...needs catsup?

Smeagollum: My...fish! AHHHHHHHGHHHHH!!!!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Toxicity avatar...sweet! :)

But, sorry, Oddwen, we have to arrest you for exceeding the fish-per-post limit. That's like a thousand fish there!

Six.

Oh, yeah.

--------------------

Aragorn: Stupid horse. Your mouth stinks.

Brego: The Ranger calls the horse smelly.

Aragorn rides up the causeway into Helm's Deep.

Villager: He's alive!

Gimli: *pushes his way through the refugees* Where is he? Where is he? Get out of the way! I'm gonna kill him! *seeing Aragorn...with his sword drawn*

Aragorn: What did you say?

Gimli: That you are the luckiest, the canniest and the most reckless man I ever knew. *they embrace* And you smell nice, too.

Aragorn: Where is the King?

Gimli: You are!

Aragorn: OK, stop sucking up to me. Where's the King of Rohan?

Gimli nods his head in the direction of the keep. As Aragorn makes his way toward the King, he encounters Legolas.

Legolas: Le ab-dollen. [Drat. He had to return.] You look terrible.

Éowyn sees Aragorn and begins to rush over to him. She stops herself when she sees Legolas hand Aragorn the Evenstar pendant.

Sick Rohirrim dude: Hey, lady! Fix my bandages!

Éowyn: Not now! I'm ogling!

Aragorn: *exchanges a smile with Legolas* Hannon le.

Éowyn [i](to self): He looks so cute when speaking Elvish.

Aragorn enters Théoden's chamber, throwing the doors wide.

Aragorn: I'll have miruvor, shaken not stirred.

--------------------

Jet lag! Later!
->Elenrod

[Oddwen]

Well, it's taken me two days to write this, and I haven't refreshed the page since then, so I hope I don't step on anyone's toes...


Scene: Aragorn riding the plains toward Edoras.

(Aragorn manages to heave himself up onto Brego)

PJ: Drat, Enya just had to shatter the camera...now I've got to use this crummy handheld...dagnabbit...

(All of a sudden, cresting a rise, Aragorn sees a huge army gathering on the plain! Apple Bonkers, and Butterfly Stompers, along with Blue Meanies in horrendous amounts! Aragorn gapes until...)

Brego: *cough* I know I'm just a horse and all, but can we duck out of sight?

Aragorn: Uh, sure...

(Thanks to the resoucefulness of Brego, Aragorn finds his way to Helm's Deep.)

Random Rohirrim: Agh! He's back!

Random Rohirrim 2: Oh no!

(An angry mob gathers as he makes his way to the King's chambers.)

Aragorn: Stop following me!

Gimli: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Gimli!

Gimli: Brego!

Brego: Gimli!

Aragorn: Brego!

Brego: Aragorn!

Legolas: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Legolas!

Legolas: Gimli!

Brego: Legolas!

Legolas: Brego!

Eowyn: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Eowyn!

Eowyn: Brego!

Legolas: Gimli!

Brego: Eowyn!

Gimli: Aragorn!

Legolas: AHHHH!!!

Aragorn: Ahh?

Gimli: Ahh.

Aragorn: Ahh...

Eowyn: Haa!

Legolas: AHHH!! *flees*

A&G&E&B: *shrug* *Aragorn continues into Meduseld*

Theoden: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Gamling!

Gamling: Theoden!

Theoden: Gamling!

Gamling: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Theoden!

Theoden: What happened to you? We thought you were dead!

Aragorn: Humbleblablah, wargs, blahblahhumgleblah, cliffs, hungle bungle hamrla, yellow submarine, humina marlama BLUE MEANIEEEEES!

Theoden: He seems agitated.

Gamling: Doesn't he though.

Theoden: Yes he does, doesn't he?

Gamling: Yes, he does.

Theoden: Isn't he though?

*later*

Theoden: So...you're saying that there's a big ol' army coming this way?

Aragorn: Yes. Bazillions of them. We're doomed, doomed, doomed!

Gamling: Gee, thanks for pointing that out, Elrond.

Theoden: Aww, they can come if they want. Helm's Deep can stand it.

Gimli: These are no common orcs. These are Uruk-hai. Their skulls are thick and their swords are pointy. Or wait...was it the other way around?

Legolas(singing): I'm, too sexy for my bow...too sexy for my bow...

Theoden: Whatever.

A: Haven't you heard what I said? These are no common orcs, they are BLUE MEANIEEEEES!

Theoden: Well, what do you want me to do, huh? Relinquish command to you, Your Squishiness?

A: I changed my shoes already, for crying out loud!

Theoden: No-one will come. Not the stinkin' elves, not the stinkin' dwarves, and certainly not the reekin' Gondorians!

A: Hey! Big meanie...*sob*

T: Aright everyone, everyone not fighting get into the caves! That means you, Eowyn!

Eowyn: Aw, man...

*at the armoury*

Aragorn: Furriers, table boys...these are no fighters! Many of them have never worn a tutu in their lives!

Random Rohirrim: Tutus? What exactly are we fighting here?

Legolas(muttering): Idiot. *aloud* Look at them. They are frightened little sissies. You can see it in their eyes!

Rohirrim: *glare*

L: Boe a hûn: neled herain dan caer menig! (We're all doomed! Doom! Doom! Doom!)

Aragorn: What? What drums in the deep?

L: *grinds teeth* We're doomed! We're all gonna die!

A: Well, duh! Of course we're all gonna die!

Rohirrim: ...? What?

A: Um...I mean eventually of course, old age you know, not bloodily in a hopeless battle like this one of course! Heh heh.

Young Rohirrim Boys: Wahh!

L: Real smart, Ranger.

A: Hmmph! *storms out and sits glumly on the stairs*

*two random cameo kids are standing around the fire*

A: Hey, Cameo Kid, come here! What's your name?

Kid: I'm Haleth, son of Hama.

A: Alice? That's a GIRL'S name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: No, Haleth.

A: ...Oh. Well, it's still a girl's name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: Shut up. My Momma helps to write the script, you know.

A: HAW HA-so, handsome little boy, give me your sword.

Haleth: Mo-om!

A: I just wanna borrow it, sheesh! *swoosh swoosh swoosh break*

A: What a crummy piece of work...not like my sword. Telchar the famous smith made it y'know.

Haleth: Can I see it?

A: Well...I don't have it with me y'know...

Haleth: We're doomed!

A: Why does everyone always say that around me? BWAHHHH!! *runs off crying*

Haleth: Sheesh.

(Aragorn runs into the armoury and starts picking out the best stuff for himself)

Aragorn(muttering): Let's see...the hauberk's connected to the helmet, the shoelace's connected to the belt loops, the belt loops are connected to the chain mail, the chain mail's connected to the sword hilts...wait, where's the sword?

Legolas(dully): Forgive me. I was wrong to despair. I realize now that it is an elf's place to be happy and cheerful all the time.

Aragorn: There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Now give me my sword.

Legolas: No. You're too dangerous with a sword. You could put someone's eye out with it.

A: That's the idea...hey, where'd the Evenstar go? Do you have that too, you packrat?

L: Fine! Here, take it!

Evenstar: *croak croak croak*

A: Ahh, Arwen my shmoopie, it won't be long now...

*enter Gimli*

Gimli: Alright...whose idea was it to feed me those cream puffs? Now my mail won't fit!

L&A: *snork*

***Elennar's post should go here***

Gimli: So whose dratted idea was it to send elves here? I mean, who needs more elves???

Aragorn: Elrond, I'd guess. He probably hopes to lighten us poor, poor, unfortunate Men's hearts.

Legolas: Well, you folks do seem to be rather depressed...

Theoden: Hellooooo? We are at WAR!

*hoooooooooooot!*

Legolas: That is no orc horn!

Random Gate Guard: Badger kind...open the gates!

*start funky music*

Howard Shore: Wait a minute...I don't do funky!

Here come, here come, here come the badgers! Here come, here come, here come the badgers!

Aragorn: Wow, this music is really catchy!

L: You said it!

Howard Shore: Hey...this is not the symphony in G Major that I wrote for this!

Randy Newman: Bwahaha! Behold Howard, it is I! You only THOUGHT you were writing music for LotR!

Danny Elfman: And I! Ha haa! We are agents of Disney, come to make LotR a more family film! BEHOLD, the fuzzy friendly woodland badgers!

RN: Yes, what this trilogy needs is some FRIEND MUSIC!

HS: Noo! *start Matrix-esque fight sequence*

HS: *punchkick*

DE: The force is strong with this one. *slap*

RN: *kickkick*

(Suddenly, Howard Shore grabs a sword from a nearby elf, and easily decimates his opponents and heaves their bodies over the Deeping Wall!)

HS: GO ME!

(He grabs Legolas's bow and neverending quiver and does the same with the evil Disney cartoon badgers!)

HS: Booya!! *adjusts glasses* Ahem. Now, if I could just get the clarinets to be a semioctave higher there...yes. Perfect.

All: *gape*

*blaaaaaaat!*

Legolas: That is no orc horn either!

Theoden: *groan* Not another one...don't open the gate!

(Aragorn, however, is overcome with curiosity and climbs to the wall above the gate. A lone man stands there, dressed in black with a mask over his face. Amazingly, he starts to climb the wall! He gets a bit over halfway there, when he comes to a stop.)

Aragorn: Can you hurry it up a bit?

Masked Figure: Sorry, could you not distract me? This isn't as easy as it looks.

A: Sorry. Is there any way I can sort of help you along?

MF: I don't see why, as you're just waiting around to kill me.

A: I give you my word that you will reach the top alive.

MF: What assurances do I have?

A: I will give my word as a Ranger.

MF: Sorry, I've known too many Rangers.

A: I will swear on my father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's sword.

MF: Good enough.

(Aragorn throws down a rope, and the Masked Figure climbs to the top)

MF: So...could I see this sword?

A: Well, I don't exactly have it with me at the moment...probably back in Rivendell, unless Arwen is on her way with it right now...

MF: I see. So, you lied.

A: No, you're alive, aren't you?

MF: Not for long, though it would seem.

A: As you wish.

*thwang! thwang!*

MF: My, you are excellent!

A: I should be. I've devoted my life to swordplay.

*clang! thwip!*

A: I see you are using Halbarad's defense against me.

MF: It is the only logical conclusion, if one attacks with their Amras.

A: I suppose you expect me to attack with Fegalund?

MF: Only if one has studied their Ragnor, which I have.

*thwang, clang!*

A: I must admit, you are better than me.

MF: Then why are you smiling?

A: I am not left handed.

*thwang! clang! clang!*

MF: You are magnifiscent! But I must say something.

A: What?

MF: I am not left handed either.

*Thwap! clang! clang! thwapclang! shhhhhing!*

(The Masked Figure suddenly knocks Aragorn's sword from his hand!)

A: Aw, drat. I suppose you are going to kill me.

MF: Are you kidding? I can't waste such talent.

A: Won't you tell me who you are?

MF: No.

A: I must know.

MF: Get used to disappointments. *thump*

A: Ow! Hey!

MF: Oh, er...*thumpthump!*

A: Grr...now it's personal!

(Aragorn attacks the Masked Figure mercilessly! The gathered mob chants frenziedly!)

A: And now...to see who you are! *he rips the mask off! Everyone gasps in surprise!*

Aragorn: Boromir!

Legolas: Boromir!

Boromir: Aragorn!

Gimli: Boromir!

Legolas: Gimli!

Theoden: Boromir!

Boromir: Legolas!

Gimli: Theoden!

Aragorn: Gamling!

Gimli: Legolas!

Gamling: Aragorn!

The Mob: AHH!


(I left a few things out...Treebeard explaining Entmoot, and Theoden being prepared for battle. And...that's it for tonight!)

Oh my gosh...it's long...

[Eowyn Skywalker]

(This fits in somewhat in the middle of Oddwen's piece. Its Treebeard talking about the entmoot.)
Treebeard: The Ents have not troubled with the wars of men in ages... we prefir to fight Sith. Have any of you hobbits ever wondered what happened to the Sith?

Merry: What's a Sith?

Pippin: Where are we goin'?

Merry: I'm hungry.

Pippin: I have to go to the bathroom.

Treebeard: You should've done that before we left.

Merry: Can I have a lightsaber?

PJ: Can I get another camera?

Enya: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Here, have a handheld.

PJ: I already have one, and I'm filming at the moment.

Enya: Sorry.

Treebeard: Shut up.

Merry: *gasp* That was... dare I say it.. HASTY!!!!

Treebeard: That's just our motto. You know, fish are friends, not food!

Pippin: Awwww.

Treebeard: Wait, that's not it.

Pippin: So where are we going?

Howard: WWAAAIIIITTT!!!!!! I NEED TO INSERT SOME DARK FORBODING THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!

Treebeard: I need to step on you.

(Behind the scenes...)
Darth Vader: I am your father, Peter Jackson.

PJ: This is the Lord of the Rings, you know.

Glorfindel: I WANTED TO HAVE A PART IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!!

Tom Bombadil: MMMEEEE TOOOO!!!!!!!

PJ: Umm... *help*

Agent Smith: You know that Enya hurt my ears?

Enja: YYYYYEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: Akk... I'm going deaf...

PJ: Shut up, I'm trying to film.


(End behind scene.)

Treebeard: Something is going to happen that has not happened in a long age.

Merry: What's that?

Treebeard: The ents will destroy the Sith.

Pippin: I still have to go to the bathroom.

Merry: What Sith?

Treebeard: I'm not telling. Welcome to the entmoot, Mr. Brandybuck.

Merry: Ug.

How was that? I'm glad you think I'm weird.

-Eowyn Skywalker

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

A: Hey, Cameo Kid, come here! What's your name?

Kid: I'm Haleth, son of Hama.

A: Alice? That's a GIRL'S name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: No, Haleth.

A: ...Oh. Well, it's still a girl's name! HAW HAW HAW!!


I had something a wittle wike that in my mind - in my notes, actually:


Aragorn: What is your name?

Haleth: Haleth, daught...I mean son of Háma, my lord.

Aragorn: You have Éowyn complex, do you?

Haleth (whispers): Shhh...don't tell dad...

[Meneltarmacil]

SAM: We have to get out of here. You go. Go, now! You can do it. Use the Ring, Mr. Frodo. Just this once. Put it on. Disappear.

FRODO: I can’t. You were right, Sam. You tried to tell me, but… I’m sorry. The Ring’s taking me Sam. If I put it on, he’ll find me. He’ll see. I'll become a Politician again.

SAM: Mr. Frodo...

FARAMIR: So this is the answer to all the riddles. Here in the wild I have you. Two halflings and a host of men at my call. The Ring of power within my grasp. In place of a dark lord, you will have a QUEEN! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the...

PJ: Whoa, whoa, you've got the wrong script!

FARAMIR: Thanks, I was beginning to wonder...

PJ: Now, let's get on with it.

FRODO: No!!

SAM: Stop it! Leave him alone! Don’t you understand? He’s got to destroy it. That’s where we’re going. Into Mordor. To the mountain of fire.

RANDOM GUY: Osgiliath is under attack. They call for reinforcements. And we're out of coffee, by the way.

FARAMIR: Out of coffee?

SAM: Please. It’s such a burden. Will you not help him?

FARAMIR: Out of COFFEE?!

RANDOM GUY: Captain?

FARAMIR: OUT...OF...COFFEE?!

(Behind the scenes...)

PJ: Ahhh, excellent. Now let's capture that murderous look on his face...

JRR TOLKIEN: *bursts into the production room, armed with an AK-47* Hold it! Get back! Nobody's taking the Ring to Gondor if I can help it!

RANDOM GUY: Um, excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be dead?

*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

RANDOM GUY: Erk! *dies*

PJ: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

ENYA: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

HOWARD SHORE: EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

JRRT: Now I'm going to end this nonsense NOW! *takes camera, still holding production crew at gunpoint*

(return to movie)

FARAMIR: Alas for Boromir! It was too sore a trial! How you have increased my sorrow, you two strange wanderers from a far country, bearing the peril of Men! But you are less judges of Men than I of Halflings. We are truth-speakers, we men of Gondor. We boast seldom, and then perform, or die in the attempt. Not if I found it on the highway would I take it I said. Even if I were such a man as to desire this thing, and even though I knew not clearly what this thing was when I spoke, still I should take those words upon me as a vow, and be held by them.

(behind the scenes again)

JRRT: Ahhh, that's much better. Now, if I can *suddenly feels himself get hit in the head with something hard* Agh!!

AGENT SMITH: I believe you've caused this production enough harm already, Missstur Tolkien.

*everybody locks JRRT in the closet*

PJ: OK, let's delete that last scene.

*rewind*

(back to the movie)

FARAMIR: Out of COFFEE?!?!?! That's it. The Ring will go to Gondor. There it will bring me all the coffee I could ever want! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(behind scenes again)

JRRT(from inside the closet): NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*fades out*

Next scene: Theoden getting ready for battle, then skip to the battle sequence.

[Eowyn Skywalker]

All right... Theoden scene...

Theoden: I hate wars.

Gamling: Well... if we just sent Eowyn and Enya out there... I'm sure that might work.

Theoden: Enya?

Gamling: That's why Peter has the handheld.

Theoden: Um. right. Give me my armor.

Gamling: As you wish.

(Behind scenes:

PJ: I'm getting tired of this handheld.

Enya: Well, sorry.

Howard: BERNARD, DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!!! I NEED SOME THEME MUSIC FIRST!!!!!!!!

J.R.R. Tolkien: LET ME OUT OF THIS CLOSET NOW!!!! YOU ARE MOCKING MY WRITING!!!!

Tom Bombadil: Now now, don't be hasty...

Goldberry: Make haste while the sun shines!

PJ: Arg.

Howard: Oooo!! THE ULTAMATE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!

(End begind scene...)

Theoden: Interesting theme music.

Gamling: Ooo!! STAR WARS MUSIC!!!!!!! (Pulls out lightsabers...) (Duel of the Fates begins to play in BG.)

Theoden: Gamling, I am your father!

Gamling: You will die!

Theoden: Who am I, Gamling?

Gamling: You are my father, you said so yourself.

Theoden: Do you trust your father?

Gamling: No.

Theoden: Then I am your king.

Gamling: You know what?

Theoden: (Parries blows) What?

Gamling: I'm not left handed!

Theoden: Hmm... I'm not left handed either!

(Behind scenes:

J.R.R. Tolkien: YOU ARE MOCKING ME!!!! LET ME OUT, I'LL KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!!

PJ: All the more reason not to let you out.

Howard: I'll let you out... just let me get the dark foreboding theme music!!!!!

Enya: I will sing loudly again.

Haldir: NOOOOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! YOU WILL HURT MY POINTY EARS!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: It is inevitable.

PJ: CUT!!!!!!

(End behind scenes)

Theoden: Ow ow ow!!!! YOU DROPPED MY SWORD ON MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: I'm sorry to disturb you, but they called cut.

PJ: NO! NO!! KEEP ACTING!!!!!!

Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Aragorn: Who's that?

PJ: It's the theme music.

Howard: I'm going to kill you.

PJ: I've had enough of that today.

Agent Smith: Reallllllllly?

PJ: I'm trying to film.

(Everything goes out)

PJ v.o: THAT WAS MY SECOND CAMERA!!!!! WHO DID THAT?!?!?!

Tolkien v.o.: I did, Mr. Jackson.

Theoden v.o.: Does this mean I can't keep the lightsaber?

PJ v.o.: Where did you get a lightsaber?!

Gamling v.o.: Umm... la de da...

Theoden v.o.: How do a put on this @#$% armor anyhow?

(Everything comes back in.)

PJ: I think we'll remove that last piece. Where's Tolkien go?

(Behind scenes:...

Agent Smith: Umm.... err...

Random wraith: Errrr....

PJ: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU KILLED J.R.R. TOLKIEN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Tolkien: But I was already dead...

PJ: (Beats them up with a medal pole.)

Faramir: You haven't got me the coffee yet.

Howard: WAIT, I NEED TO AD THE THEME MUSIC!!!!!

(End behind scenes...)

Theoden: I can't breathe in this armor.

Gamling: It's not on yet.

Theoden: Well, whoever made this left out one this. I'm King Theoden Hal!!!!!!!!

Gamling: Just stand still so I can put the dang armor on...

Theoden: *gack* I... can't... breathe...

Haldir: Good.

Theoden: Who are you?!

Haldir: Your worst nightmare.

Theoden: I'm dressed, let's go.

Haldir: YOU ARE BREATHING TOO LOUD!!!!!!!!

Gamling: Can I kill him?

Theoden: No.

(End scene.)

How was that?!

[Nimrothiel]

What the...?:confused: That was very...er...um...interesting. Uh, what exactly is the next scene again?

[Meneltarmacil]

The next scene would be the Battle of Helm's Deep, Nimrothiel.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Actually, my sister thought this up. But she's not here. :)

Éowyn: Leave me alone, snake!
Gríma: But you are alone. You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you.
Éowyn: Not listening, I'm not listening.
Gríma (whispers): Murderer...
Éowyn: But he was already dead!
Gríma: What? What are you talking about?
Éowyn: Oh. Don't you mean the Witch-King?
PJ: CUT!!! Miranda, don't read ahead of the script!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Merry can be seen pacing. At last Treebeard turns away from the others and approaches the Hobbits, Pippin sees him coming.

Pippin: Merry. Verdict's in.

Merry joins him.

Treebeard: We have just agreed...

Pippin and Merry wait. Merry tries to be patient.

Merry: Yes?

Treebeard: We...ummm...we...

PJ: Cut! John, don't forget your lines.

PJ hands Treebeard his script.

Treebeard: Oh...OK.

Treebeard hands it back. -> Duh.

PJ: Action!

Treebeard: I have told your names to the Entmoot...and wehaveagreedyouarenotOrcs. *gasp*

Merry: How can that be your decision?

Treebeard: Now don't be hasty, Master Meria...what?

Merry: Hasty? We' re not hasty! We're Orcs!

Treebeard's jaw dropped as Merry and Pippin strip rubber masks off their faces.

Suddenly, he wakes up.

Treebeard: *gasp!*

Longbranch: Hoom-hoom-lalla-kamanda-hoom-a-lalla-maril. [sleeping again]

Wetleaf: Maluim. [Yeah. He should really get rid of that sleeping problem of his.]

Treebeard rushes to the two hobbits, then tries to tear their faces off. Ouch.

PJ: What are you doing?

Merry: I love trees!

Pippin: I need second breakfast!

Treebeard: Die, you Orcs!

HS: What's happening?

PJ: Stop it!

Haldir: Can you hurry up? My scene's next.

HS: Hit it, Enya!

Reader: Not this cliché joke again...

Enya: Not this time...La![high C#]

Everything stops, except Enya's vocal chords.

Reader: So...what now?

[Eowyn Skywalker]

The Battle of Helms Deep: part one. (Why, because I'm to lazy to write the rest.)

(All the elves and all that stand along the top of the wall. Aragorn is muttering something about "Stupid late she-elves." Gimli is muttering something about "Where's the box when you need it." Legolas is muttering something about "Where's Enya when you need her." Haldir is muttering something about "Everyone here is breathing too loudly." And Howard Shore is muttering about the lack of worthwhile theme music for this scene.)

Gimli: I can't see!

Legolas: There's nothing to see. I grew up here, you know.

Gimli: ? You're going to die here, you know. Convenient.

Legolas: Not if I can help it. I've taken care of everything.

Aragorn: You didn't grow up here.

Legolas: Shhhhhh.

PJ: Will you guys PLEASE stop with the Star Wars quoting thing?!

Agent Smith: Join with me...

PJ: Just shut up.

Legolas: I'm trying to act here.

PJ: I'll send in Enya.

Theoden: I think we can handle one little girl.

PJ: If only you knew...

Random Urak-hai: HIIIIIIIIIII, EVERYONE!

Eowyn: (Kills random Urak-hai) MWHA-HA!

Theoden: I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE KEEP!!!!

Eowyn: So?

Theoden: *glares*

Aragorn: Can we get on with this?

Arwen: Honey, I brought you your sword!!!!!

Everyone: CAN I SEE IT?!

Boromir: Yah!

Aragorn: You, know, you're dead.

Boromir: I'm not left-handed either.

Aragorn: Must we do this again?

Boromir: Yep.

Aragorn: You are a limp sword-fighter.

Boromir: Get used to disapointments.

PJ: THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: I'M ON TWENTY-EIGHT!!!!!

Legolas: You can't see, and there's no orcs yet.

Gimli: I know that... but I'm still on twenty-eight.

Legolas: What are you killing: elves?

Gimli: No, flies.

Legolas: *sigh*

Aragorn: Do not despair, your friends are here with you.

Agent Smith: Despair, for I am leading the orcs upon you.

J.R.R. Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, THERE'S NO AGENTS IN MIDDLE-EARTH!!!!!!

Agent Smith: Somehow, I thought I killed you.

Tolkien: I won't stay dead, for I already am!!!!!!!

Aragorn: Um, we're filming?

(Suddenly J.R.R. Tolkien disappears in a flash of orange light.)

Jandalf the Orange: Minions of Xendor.

The author of this piece: How come you seem to appear in all my writing?

Jandalf: I don't know. Maybe because you like writing me in?

Author: No, that's Darth Warious.

Darth Warious: You called?

PJ: WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?! WHO WROTE THIS??????

Author: Me.

Agent Smith: I won't stand for this. (Kills author)

Author: I WILLLLLLL BEEEEEE BACKKKKKKKKK...

Jandalf: Drat...

Agent Smith: Hey, I know you....

Jandalf: Double drat.

Darth Warious: Hey, there's HALDIR!!!!!

PJ: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: (Somehow kavvams the two random characters out of this story)

PJ: Okay, let's just erase that last last bit...

(Erases that last bit)

Aragorn: We will all DIE!!!!!!

PJ: Okay, we'll delete that one too............

(Deletes it)

Legolas: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

PJ: Sigh.

(Deletes it again)

Agent Smith: Oh, give it a rest. You'll all die anyhow.

Darth Vader: I am your father!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: :eek:

Haldir: Didja know that he breathes too loudly?

PJ: Sigh. Okay, people, let's take it from here again.

Enya: Aren't there suppose to be orcs?

Random Orc: I'm HERE!!!!!!

PJ: Sigh. :rolleyes:


And that was that. Now someone else can finish this battle.
-Eowyn Skywalker

[Eowyn Skywalker]

You people are very lazy, you know. What's wrong with the Battle of Helms Deep???????

Oh well...

***

*Star Wars theme music begins to play*

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... erk, wrong movie....

*Rain falls*

Legolas: Sigh, I'm getting wet.

Haldir: Wait five seconds... *counts* *Rain stops* Ah, right on time!

Cricket: Chirp, chirp.

Aragorn: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DYE!!!!!!

PJ: Will you quit being all doomday? I'm trying to film!

Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOO...

Agent Smith: This is PG 13 sooooooo... *bang*

Tolkien: ???

Arwen: Dodge this, bonehead!

Everyone: Didn't the bang signify the end of Tolkien?

Author: Nope.

Aragorn: I said DYE, you numbskull.

PJ: What's the difference?

Arwen: Difference of what? We're not doing math!

PJ: Sigh... HOWARD, CUE UP THE THEME MUSIC!!!!

Enya: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

PJ: Shhhh... the windows, Enya, think of THE WINDOWS!!!!!!

Cricket: Chirp?

*Theme music: Minas Morgul*

Boromir: WE'RE DOOMED!!!

Aragorn: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DYE!!!!!

*Splash*

Aragorn: Drat. I'm... I'M PURPLE!!!!!! AGGGGHHH!!!!

Boromir: Haa haa haaa.... akk... drat... *Splash* I'M GREEN!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Random orc: Cue up the rain! It's not evil and dark and foreboding anymore!!!!

Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson? Is that you?

Random orc: Drat.

PJ: Will you start with the battle???????

Agent Smith: *evil, evil* *rubs hands together* Mwha-ha-ha-ha...

All Urak-hai: Ummm... uh-oh...

Boromir: It's a CONSPIRACY!

*And then, the battle begins...*

Iin Middle-earth, those of the Fellowship fought, for the freedom of Middle-earth... in a galaxy far, far away... sigh, this just isn't going to work...

*Ripoff of the Matrix... bad ripoffs...*

Orc: *finds medal pole somewhere, and uses it to wack all the many Smith clones that appear from no where* I am Mr. Anderson!!!!! Mwha-ha-ha...

Agent Smith: Enough with the bad ripoffs of MY movie. DYE!!!!!!

Orc: *dyes*

All other orcs: *die laughing at now blue orc*

Aragorn: That was too easy.

Agent Smith: So says you.

Urak-hai: I'm BAAAACK!!!!!!

Boromir: Sigh. Here we go again.

***

Please, someone else, go from there!

-Eowyn Skywalker

[Meneltarmacil]

GIMLI: You could have picked a better spot.

LEGOLAS: Shut up. *hits Gimli over the head with a large brick*

GIMLI: *thud*

URUKS: We will, we will, rock you! We will, we will, rock you!

(back in the keep)
RANDOM GUY #1: Well, it could be worse.

RANDOM GUY #2: How so?

RANDOM GUY #1: It could be raining.

*rain starts to fall*

THEODEN: You had to say it, didn't you...

(inside the caves)
RANDOM CAMEO PEOPLE: *cry cry sob cry cry*

EOWYN: *grrrr*

(back on the wall)
ARAGORN: A Eruchin,u-dano i faelas a hyn, an uben tanatha le faelas!
(We're all DOOMED! DOOM! DOOM! DOOOOOOOOM!!!!)

GIMLI: *comes to* What? Where am I? What's going on?

LEGOLAS: *points bow at Gimli's head*

GIMLI: Oh, right, *mumblemumblewhimperwhimper*

LEGOLAS: Good. Now stay that way.

ARAGORN: DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOM!

BOROMIR: Boy, are you a pessimist.

ARAGORN: And you're supposed to be dead right now! DIE!!!!

*tosses Boromir off wall*

*Boromir lands on Uruk spear, dies, causes Random Orc #576 to fall over and die*

URUKS: *attack*

THEODEN: *slaps self in face*

[Oddwen]

Gollum: Master must keep up his strength.

Frodo: Gandalf told me that you were not that different from a Hobbit once.

Gollum(double take): He said what? Ugh!

Frodo: He said your life was a sad story.

Gollum: It is now! Yuck!

Frodo: Smmmmeeeeeaaaagol...

Gollum: Stupid wizards...

Frodo: *ahem* Smmmmeeeeaaagoolll?

Gollum: Is there a problem?

Frodo: Isn't that your name?

Gollum: No, that's not our name.

Frodo: Well then...what is your name?

Gollum: Mustn't ask, not its business...gollum gollum!

Frodo: Is it...Ralph?

Gollum: Nope.

Frodo: How about Fred?

Gollum: Lemmie check...nope.

Frodo: What about Floyd?

Gollum: Look Master, we appreciates the attentions, yes we do, but we'd really like to get some...oh, we don't know...SLEEP right now, maybe?

Fro: I bet I know.

Gollum: What?

Fro: Is it...Rumpelstiltskin?

Gollum: A NAZGUL TOLD YOU THAT! A NAZGUL TOLD YOU THAT!

*And in his fury, Gollum stamped one foot so hard into the marsh that he sunk out of sight*

Fro: Ummmmmm....?


(Let's try this...)

Aragorn: Legolas! What do your elf-eyes see?

Leggy: A cottage! Made all out of gingerbread.

Ara: Well, it's not to be wondered at, astigmatism seems to...a what??

Leggy: A tasty little gingerbread cottage. Can we eat it? Please please please pleasepleaseplease?

*A little old lady hobbles out*

LittleOldLady: Hello, travellers! Come inside, dearies and I'll make you some nice sweets!

Legolas: *drools and starts to hypnotically walk towards her*

Aragorn: Um, thanks all the same, but we're on a mission...

LOL: Oh, it won't take but a minute, and I've just set some pastries to cool!

ARagorn: *wipes a little drool from his face* Well, maybe just a little...

*There is a loud noise and the cottage and the little old lady vaporize. Leggy and Aragorn look up to see Gimli with a vaporizer*

Gimli: Never trust little old ladies.

(So it's late. Sue me. Hee hee hee...)

[Maeggaladiel]

Okay, this looks fun. I'll give it a shot.

PJ-Okay, everyone! This scene is looking great!

Haldir- Whaddya mean great?! This completely deviates from the original texts of Mr. Tolkein!

JRRT- (from closet) Yeah! *Smith kicks him*

Haldir- And what's with that guy? *points to Smith, who looks uncomfortable and starts whistling innocently.*

PJ- Look, dude, I'm taking artistic liscense. You can't make a good film without drama. Tolkein just doesn't have the drama I'm looking for, so I.. *modified* a few things.

Haldir- HA! "Modified," my elven backside! You've completely ruined everything! Like this! *takes out copy of script* Look, it says here that the House of Healing scene has been cut! That's so important to the storyline! And what's all this garbage about Arwen taking Glorfindel's place?

PJ- *sigh* When last I checked, Peter, not Haldir, was director of this film.

EVERYONE ELSE- Ooh, burned!

Theoden- That's MY line!

*LATER THAT EVENING*-- In PJ's Trailer.
PJ- Criticize MY directing, will he? Thinks my script stinks, does he? Hmph! I'll show him! I'll fix his little red wagon!!

*grabs copy of script and a red pen. Crawls under bed with a flashlight.*

PJ- No one will think to look for me here. He'll pay! They'll all pay!!

*Mad scribbling sounds and wicked laughter resonate from trailer.*

**NEXT DAY**

PJ- Erm, Uruk 236, I have a.. um.. new addition to your script.

236- Ooh! Do I finally get the emotional monologue I've been asking for?

PJ- Um, no. But the addition is a reeeeally important part of the story.

236- Oooh! Okay!

PJ- OKAY PEOPLE! Let's get to work! *Haldir passes by. PJ grins wickedly*We're skipping directly to the next scene for the Helm's Deep battle! You'll find it marked in your scripts...

Random Guy- Why are we doing this fight scene? Lego still doesn't have the stair surfing thing down yet.

*Lego gets on shield, grins, starts down stairs. His arms flail wildly, he loses his balance. Sheild flies out from underneath him and sails across set, impailing Uruk 791. Lego falls down stairs and lands in mud.*

PJ- Umm, we'll just skip forward a bit. MEDIC? Annnnd... ACTION!

*Uruk 236 looks into his script. In scribbly, red ink, the words "Get impailed by Haldir's sword" are scratched out and above it is written "Violently impail Haldir with your sword. Then laugh. And taunt him! That little loser..." 236 shrugs.*

236- IMPAIL!! MWAHAHAHA!! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES! How was that?

Haldir- What the..? This wasn't in the script!

PJ-*looks dark and evil* It is now!

'Gorn-NOOOOOOO! *Runs to him*

Hal- Don't touch me! My wound will become infected with your filth! Ach!

A- Where does it hurt?

H- Oh, right around the big BLOODY SPOT!!! *dies*

PJ- Mwa ha haaa!

A- No! He owed me money!

PJ- Let this be a lesson to you all: DO NOT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF AN ARTISTIC GENIUS!! MUAHAHAHAA!... I mean, um.... Shame that Haldir wasn't wearing that ARMOR that I told him to wear! Oh, dearie me! I forgot to put that in his script! meh heh!

MAEG

[Meneltarmacil]

Methinks we really need to be getting back to the action at Helm's Deep and have been having w-a-a-a-a-y too much fun with the behind-the-scenes stuff.

In other words...

Just do the freakin' big fight scene! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

*goes psychotic and stabs nearest random person*

*wakes up from coma three weeks later wondering what happened*

[Oddwen]

What's wrong with the Battle of Helms Deep???????

Well, it's stinkin' too long, the tone's all wrong, it's entirely focused on the wrong characters...I could go on and on.


(from Menel)
*tosses Boromir off wall*

*Boromir lands on Uruk spear, dies, causes Random Orc #576 to fall over and die*

URUKS: *attack*

THEODEN: *slaps self in face*
(/Menel)

*Boromir miraculously appears by Aragorn with a puzzled look on his face*

Aragorn: I told you you talked to Pippin too much! *To the interloper elves* Tangado a chadad! (Everybody, tango! Cha-cha!)

*the interlopers look at each other and shrug. They then notch their arrows and aim.*

Leggy: Faeg i-varv dîn na lanc a nu ranc. (Cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored)

Aragorn: Leithio i plbll, phhlblll, philinn! (Look! I have a caterpillar's lips!)

*the interlopers laugh so hard they can't hold their bowstrings. A surprisingly effective volley is fired.*

Gimli(to Leggy): Did they hit anything?

Legs: Cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored...

Theoden: Give them the valley.

Gamling: What?

Theoden: Oh er, did I say that out loud? I meant "a volley".

Gamling(to the men): Fire!

The Men: AHH!

Gamling: No! Fire your arrows!

One-Eyed-Creepy-Dude-Named-Alfonse: Fire!

*The men do so. It is useless, as more Uruks take the place of any fallen. It is as Elrond foretold: DOOM.*

Aragorn(to the interlopers behind the wall): Ribed bant! (I am wearing courderoy pants!)

Interlopers: Durrr...

Gimli: Send them to me! There is one dwarf yet in Helm's Deep who still draws pretty pictures!

*the Uruks are partially successful in their attempts to make Helm's Deep more canonical, and several interlopers fall towards their death. Meanwhile, other Uruks put into place ladders that would have been many the envy of Wilhelm, one of the fallen interlopers who happened to be a ladder maker, had he not currently been dead.*

Ar: Pendraith! (Extra spicy hot sauce [in my] cheeto-fried brain!)

Leggy: CENSORED censored censored...

Gimli: Ooh, good one!

Ar: Swords! Swords!

*in a move that would have been the envy of any boyband infecting a stage, the interlopers simultaneously draw their swords with a "swoooosh!" However, their puny defense will be useless, considering the big honkin' ugly ladders that are currently carrying their less formidable cargo towards the wall*

*And so the hand-to-hand combat begins! Or is it claw-to-long-slender-hand? Or maybe...nevermind*

Gim: Ohhh, poncy elf-princeling!

Leg: CENCORED what?!?

Gim: I've got two already!

Leg: You interrupt me to tell me that?? Forget killing Uruks, leave Aragorn for me!

Gim: *ulp* *absentmindedly whacks Bob-the-Uruk in a nasty spot*

*Unfortunately, that Orc was played by a totally innocent contest winner. Bummer for him, eh?*

Ara(currently swashing swaths through Uruk fields): Rahh! Hrahhh! Ahhh!

Uruks: The greasy hair man! Run away!

*Meanwhile, nobody was watching the gate...*

Theoden: Oh, look! We have a visitor! Make sure they know the password before they can come in, which is of course "Have You Eaten A Blue Smartie Lately?".

Gamling: No! Those are more Uruks!

Aragorn: Look! Hado, ahhh, JUST SHOOT 'EM! I don't think anybody listens to me anyway, why should they? I'm just a little ol' lost kingy, nobody listens to the lost kingies, do they? Naw, they just expect me to wander the wild and babysit for some fat hairy farmers while the big guys are off doing important stuff, no time for a poor lost kingie...

All Within Earshot: Shut up!

*Meanwhile, the interlopers have fired a volley with their wimpy little arms. They do manage to fell some, but not enough, Uruks and they make their laborious way upwards towards the gate*

Theoden(oblivious): What, is this it? C'mon Saruman, you can do better than this! Surely the White Wizard isn't afraid of great and mighty Rohan, is he? Is he crying for his mommie at this moment?

Gamling: *sob* Noo...

Theoden: I DEFY YOU, you mama's-boy-Istar!

Gamling: *whimper*

*Cue "Chariots of Fire" theme...*

*Meanwhile, at the culvert...orcs have been piling giant spiky balls filled with who-knows-what. An unfortunate Uruk with a torch is walking towards it*

Bob: Marco!

Uruks Nearest the Culvert: Polo!

Bob: Marco!

Voice-Throwing Ventriloquist Orc(seemingly from within the culvert): Polo!

Bob: Ha! I've got you now!

*FOOOOOOMM!*

(Blahh...that's all I've got for now...)

Oh yes, a while back I asked (demanded, actually) the last scene. I no longer remember what I was going to do, and if someone wanted to do that, go ahead.

[Oddwen]

*FOOOOOOMM!*


Theoden*"Home Alone" face-slap*: AHHHH!!

Gamling: Sir?

Theoden: we'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadie.. .

Gamling: Oh brother.

*back to where the incompetent prince of Mirkwood failed to bring down a single wimpy little orc, the victims of the blast struggle to regain their footing*


(Anyone else?)

[Oddwen]

Is it really that hard?

(This is skipping ahead, yes I know.)



Gandy: "The battle of Helm's Deep is finished. The battle for Middle-EARTH is about to begin."

Aragorn: "Is that why you keep trying to sneak off when you think we're not looking? Huh? Huh"

Gimli: "I tell ya, Legolas, that's one battle those Uruk-Hai's won't forget for a while!"

Gandalf: "Well, duh, they're all DEAD!!"

Gimli*oblivous*: "I've composed a song, actually."

The Host: "Huh?"

*Gimli lept from the back of Arod, pulled a stringéd instrument from his pack and strummed a chord*

Gim: "Ooohh!!

The night was long, the moon was ween
Orc's shiny swords afar were seen
Leggy grew more and more obscene
Warriors begged for coffee bean!

Saruman's orcs were really mean
One of them kicked me in the spleen!
Lucky my armor was shiny and clean
It deflected the blow with the sound of a "Pleen!"

They sang us the songs of a band called "Queen"
They demolished the wall with an exploding machine!
They've got nastiness bred in their filthy genes!
But if we hit 'em with swords, then over they'd lean!

We were saved by an Istar played by an Ian!
He bounced into view off a trampoline!
He's the bestest wizard what's ever been!
The orcses turnéd nine shade of green!

One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen
Fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen!
I beat the elf, 'twas quite keen
He had to dine on humble cuisine!

Saruman thought our fate was forseen
So he seemed rather serene
But for that we had a vaccine!
I bet when he hears there'll be a big scene!

I have to stop now, to fill my canteen
Legolas, no doubt, has begun to preen
I hope you like this song, you between
This Middle-Earth and your active-matrix screen!"


*Gimli did a couple of dance steps, and then ended the song with a very loud chord and a few screams*

The Host: :eek:

Éomer: "Dear Eru! If I live to be a hundred and ninety, I will never forget the horror of this day!"

Théoden: "May we be spared from this fate forevermore!"

Legolas: "Huh, and I've been travelling with him for months."

Aragorn: "But that was rather disturbing."

Gandalf: "I'd rate it about a 9.2."

Aragorn*shrug*: "Maybe."



(Thank you, www.rhymezone.com !)

[Evisse the Blue]

Is it really that hard? Well, no... And yes. :D
But what you did so far was really funny.
And Gimli's song was hilarious, Oddwen.
Ok, so next scene is should be the final one with Frodo, Sam and Gollum. Anyone?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Sorry, Oddie. Can't think of anything yet. I have one prepared for Aragorn and Gimli's attack on the causeway, though.

[Meela]

Hope you don't mind if I randomly insert a comment inbetween these super scripts... I haven't read the thread for some time and so only just came across this:

Just wanted to say...I made a few avatars based on this parody.

Inspired by Meela:
Glad to be back? (64x64, 5k)
Cart (64x64, 16k)

*applauds* love them! May well steal them! Actually, d'you think I could use them as avatars? I haven't got an avatar that's Meela-based.

Back to the thread... I haven't done any parodying for ages, and I rather miss the pathetic attempts at sly wit. If there's a future scene I can bag for myself, I'd like to have another go.

And be sure to leave the Pyre of Denethor scene for Meela, as I don't think anybody is NEARLY as qualified for it as she is.

Can't believe I missed this... that is definitely applying. And my Death of Haldir scene will be posted in a day or two. And the Osgiliath flashback.

[Oddwen]

Evisse: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. Looks as if I'll be beating Mr. Rimbaud next. (Ha, ha. :p)

Nilpsie-Wipsie Poo: Hey, looks like after I post, there'll be room for that.

Meela: Go ahead, do borrow them. Hope you don't mind me using your quotes. :)

Anyone, anywhere, jump in! If you have a different idea for a scene already done, go ahead and do it! There's a script (EE) here. (http://www.council-of-elrond.com/tttrans2.html)


(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^ (^


Theoden*"Home Alone" face-slap*: AHHHH!!

Gamling: Sir?

Theoden: we'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadie.. .

Gamling: Oh brother.

*back to where the incompetent prince of Mirkwood failed to bring down a single wimpy little orc, the victims of the blast struggle to regain their footing*




Theoden: Quick! Somebody fix the gate!

CameoGuy: I will save you!

*CameoGuy runs to the gate and swiftly organizes the disorganized Rohirrim mob. He then singlehandedly kills many many uruks with many many flashy moves*

Enya: Hey, that's Peter Jackson!

CG: No, I'm not! My name is...uh...Tom Bombadil!

Tolkien: ARRGH!

*Upon the giant blast which destroyed the deeping wall, Aragorn was thrown violently through the air and landed conveniently in front of a leaderless band of interlopers*

(Meanwhile, atop the wall...)

Gimli(thinking): Oh, wow! Aragorn was just thrown violently through the air and has landed in front of a leaderless band of interlopers! Hey, I wonder if I can go through his pockets while he's still unconcious?

*Gimli then leaps from the wall into the river the culvert let through. He lands in some mud and sinks as far as his knees. Then the orcs start pouring in, and he is trampled*

Aragorn: Zzzz...Arwen, I love the way you do that...huh? What? Brego, noo! - wait, uh...hey! It seems I've been thrown violently through the air only to land in front of a bunch of leaderless interlopers! Cheerio!

*Unfortunately for him, "cheerio" sounds very like "herio", which is elvish for "CHAAAAAARGE!", which is just what the elvish trespassers did*

Aragorn: AAAARGH!

(Meanwhile, atop the wall...)

Legolas: CENCORED cencored cen-*thppping*-ored cencored *thwap*-cored cen-*thwing* cencored...hey dude, a shield! Do you know what I can do with a shield?

Uruks: Uhhh...no?

Leggy: This! *he dons a chef's hat and apron and begins to make a pizza* When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amoré!

Uruks: Duhh...

Legs: You can also do this. *he flips the shield along the ground, slicing the feet off of several uruks. Leggy then leaps upon the shield as it skids down some stairs, and starts to shoot stunned enemies mercilessly. With a neat half-torso twist at the bottom, he sends the projectile weapon kachunk! into the chest of another uruk*

Leggy: Like a glove!

Random Rohirrim: Uh, the allegory might be best served if you just flipped your hair and gave one of your famous sneers.

Leggy: Shut up. *he removes his shoe and hits the RR in the face* I correct myself. Like a boot.


)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)





Okey Dokey, These Are The Next Scenes In TTT:

***The Entmoot Decides***
***Haldir's Death***
***Theoden's only wimpy part in the battle***
***Gimsles and Argie's Charge***(Nilppppsen, your idea here?)
***Retreat to the halls***
***Pippin Gets Smart With Treebeard***
And one I will do now:




Scene: Big-Nose, Mop-Head and Baby-Face approach Osgiliath.


Faramir: Now we approach Osgiliath. Ya know, I once singlehandedly...

Madril: *ahem*

Faramir: I mean, I with only the help of Boromir...

Madril: *cough*

Faramir: Okay okay, BOROMIR and the host of Gondor butpersonallyassistedby me SAVED Osgiliath from...fire!

Sam: Really? Did he form a giant bucket brigade? We tried that once during the fire at the Green Dragon. Yep, threaten our ale and us Hobbits will stand together to the last man! Why, it reminds me of the time that Novo Oakplank fell into a vat, and the whole Chubb clan came down from...

Faramir: No, Osgiliath is on fire! It burns!

Frodo: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Faramir: NO! My cloak is on fire! AHH!

Random Soldier #1: Don't be a baby.

Fro: The Ring will not save Gondor. *dramatic hair-tossing look back* It has only the power to destroy. Let me go!

Farrums: AHH! AHH!

Madril: He's a little distracted right now. But I'm sure that he'd say, "Great Jumping Finarfin! Golly Batman, Gee Wally, my Daddy would really love me if I got him the Mostest Powerfullest Ring in the Whole World! I'm glad I'm so smart! Borrums hasn't got anything on me! Hee hee hee!"

Sam: Are you sure he'd say that?

Madril: Close enough. Now git!

Fro&Sam: Hey, don't push!





***Last March of the Ents***
***Nazgul Attack on Osgiliath***
***Theoden's Charge & Gandalf's Second Return***
***The Flooding of Isengard***
***Fro's Attack On Sam and Sam's Great Speech***
***EE, The Huorns at Helm's Deep***
***EE, Leggy & Gim's Final Tally***
***EE, Flotsam and Jetsam***
***EE, Bye-Bye Faramir, Through the Sewers***
***The Really Important Dudes Survey ME-I've done this already***
***Gollum's Plan***

Also, some more EE:
***Elvish Rope***
***Merry's Act***
***Saruman & The Wildmen***
***Massacre at the Isen***
***Treebeard's Poetry***
***Gandalf's and Aragorn's Talk***
***Ent Draught***
***Theodred's Funeral/Eowyn's Song***
***Brego***
***The Ring of Barahir***
***The STEW!***
***Faramir's Vision of Boromir***
***Flashback to Osgiliath, Boromir/Faramir/Denethor***
***Eowyn's Confrentation of Aragorn***


Wheehee, have some fun! G'night!

Hopefully this will keep things a bit straighter.

[Oddwen]

One more avvie, inspired by Me:

valley.gif (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v58/Oddwen/avatars/valley.gif), 7k


And yet another! by Me:
hoom.gif (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v58/Oddwen/avatars/hoom.gif), 10k

[Elennar Starfire]

Your avvies are always so amusing, Oddwen! Keep it up!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Behind the Scenes: The Screenwriters.

DISCLAIMER: Peace, Oddie-Woddie Poo. :)

Oddwen: This is all? *gestures to an almost empty auditorium*

Nilpaurion Felagund: Uh . . . Oddie . . .

Oddwen: What happened to all the other screenwriters? You tell me only one - plus me - is all that's left?

NF: Odd . . . I've got the next part.

Oddwen: Oh, goodie!
__________________

Treebeard: The Ents cannot hold back this storm. We must weather such things as we have always done.

Pippin: There's a storm?

Treebeard: No, Master Peregrin. It means we won't fight?

Merry: You . . . will not fight?

Treebeard: This is not our war.

Merry (frustrated): But what about me?

Ents look perplexed.

Merry: I've wanted to kill someone - or something - ever since I was a wee little kid. Now the chance comes, and you won't help me? You must help me. Please! You must do something.

Treebeard: You are crazy, Master Merry. I think you need to see a friend of mine. His name's Strate Jacquet.

Merry is put into a straitjacket, and he is struggling wildly. Pippin tries to cheer him up.

Pippin: Maybe Treebeard's right. You are crazy.

Merry (to screenwriter): You call this "cheer him up"?

Pippin: What?

Merry: Listen to me, Pip. The fires of Isengard will spread, and the woods of Tuckborough and Buckland will burn. And all that was once green and good in this world will be gone. There won't be a Shire, Pippin.

Pippin: . . . zzzsnork. Huh?

Merry: If Saruman wins, no more mushrooms.

The horrible truth registers on Pippin's face.

Pippin: OK, you tree-thingies! Listen up! Free him, or I'll eat you all!

Merry: Way to go, Pip.

The Ents reluctantly free Merry from the straitjacket.

Pippin: One more thing: We go thrash Isengard, or you get thrashed. Comprende?
__________________

The next part will come tomorrow, or Monday at the most. :)

[Meneltarmacil]

Oddwen: This is all? *gestures to an almost empty auditorium*

Nilpaurion Felagund: Uh . . . Oddie . . .

Oddwen: What happened to all the other screenwriters? You tell me only one - plus me - is all that's left?

NF: Odd . . . I've got the next part.

Oddwen: Oh, goodie!

Meneltarmacil: Hey, I'm in this too! After all, I've got 38 posts on this thread counting this one. After Nil's next scene is done, you can count me in! I'll use the time to come up with some good ideas to keep things moving...

And don't forget I'm the one who came up with the politicians!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

The part from Haldir's death to Théoden's "Get out of there!"

I'm really sorry I haven't finished it yet. :(

Thursday at latest. Reeeally Thursday.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Meneltarmacil: Hey, I'm in this too! After all, I've got 38 posts on this thread counting this one. After Nil's next scene is done, you can count me in! I'll use the time to come up with some good ideas to keep things moving...

And don't forget I'm the one who came up with the politicians!

NF: Oh, look. He's back. *yawns*

A million flamingoes rush at NF.

NF: Ouch. *his hand stretches upward, clutching a folder.* I've got the next part.

Menel: Finally. *grabs the folder from NF's hand.*

NF: I'm sorry it's late. An op had gone bad and . . .

Odd: Liar.

NF: What?

Menel: You spent your weekend trying to perfect your Lego army so you could beat your little brothers at Lego wars.

NF: How did you--

Odd: And after that, you watched Dante's Peak, then Roman Holiday, just to find something to post on the Mixed up Movies Game (http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showthread.php?p=345629#post345629). You didn't even do your Physics homework.

NF: What--

Odd: You procrastinate so much, it isn't even funny.

NF: *cringe* . . . wait, how d'you know?

Menel: We have our sources . . . *opens the folder*
__________________

The battle continues at Helm's Deep. The army of Isengard appears to be winning. Théoden looks on from the Keep. Of course. He's a chicken.

But enough of them. Let's check the shindig . . . I mean the refugees at Aglarond.

Women: The men are away! Slumber party!

Freda: No more pizza! Mom ate 'em all!

Women: *groan*

Meanwhile . . .

Théoden: Fall back!

Many men jump from the wall. Of course, they died.

Théoden: I mean RETREAT!!!

Rohirrim: Oh.

Aragorn: Théoden's chicken! Don't retreat!

Rohirrim: Sorry. We're outta here.

Aragorn: Hmph.

He notices Haldir still fighting on top of the remnants of the Deeping Wall.

Aragorn: Haldir's alive!

Haldir was slashed in the back - stupid PJ . . .

Haldir: I knew something bad would happen to me when I join that filthy Ranger. *dies*

Aragorn: Or maybe not.

Gimli: Was that in the book?

Aragorn: No.

Gimli: Were the Elves supposed to be here?

Aragorn: Not that I know of . . . no, I guess.

Gimli: OK.

They just stand there stupidly, watching the Orcs kill all the other Elves.

Uruk 1: Non-canonical! *slash*

Elf: It's not our fault! Blame PJ! *dies*

The Uruks are using a whisk broom to break the gate.

Rohirrim: Hey, ugly! That's not the way to break a gate!

The Uruks break through the gate.

Rohirrim: Or maybe not. *an Orc shoots him*

Théoden: To the gate! Draw your swords.

Gamling: Well, this is interesting . . .

Théoden goes to the wall. An Uruk stabs him with a spear. He dies.

Gamling: Wait, this isn't how it's supposed to happen . . . *leafs through script* Hmmm . . .

Gamling pulls Théoden is back to safety.

Gamling: I'm supposed to say "I love you", but I don't. *kiss*

Théoden: Blech. *wipes his mouth* What was that for?

Gamling: Errr . . .

Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn rush up the stairs and up to the gate.

Legolas: Whew! Shield-surfing is tiring!

Gimli: You think that's tiring? Try standing around doing nothing.

Théoden:What happened to the Elves?

Aragorn: They're all dead.

Théoden: Wanna join then?

Aragorn: Sure! Gimli!

[Who needs a parody when you could have the entire "Toss me" conversation?]

Aragorn and Gimli appear outside the fortress near the top of the causeway. They look down on the Uruks fighting at the gate.

Gimli (peering around Aragorn): Ah! Come on! We can take 'em.

Aragorn: It's a long way.

Gimli checks the distance and considers his options.

Gimli: Toss me.

Aragorn: What? *arches an eyebrow*

Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me.

Aragorn reaches for him.

Gimli: Don't tell the elf.

Aragorn: Not a word. *fingers crossed* http://www.geocities.com/louis_martian/smilies/evil.gif

Aragorn tosses Gimli to the causeway into the Uruks. Gimli gives a battle cry. Aragorn jumps to the causeway with a cry of his own. And no, they don't fall down.

Théoden: Let's get outta here!

Gamling: How about the gate?

Théoden: Well . . . I'll guess we'll have to fix it first.

The gate is repaired . . . with paper? Huh. Good luck.

Théoden: Gimli! Aragorn! Good bye!

He fits in a last board.

Uruk 2: What is it? What do you smell?

Uruk 3: *sniff sniff* MANPADS.

[MANPADS=Man-portable Air Defence System. The RPG, although technically an anti-tank weapon, is sometimes used against aircraft.]

Legolas: Aragorn! *throws down rope.*

An RPG is launched. Legolas looks up.

Legolas: RPG!!!™ *loses balance* Aaah!!!

Boromir emerges from the gate, and catches Legolas

Boromir: Heeere's Johnny!

Théoden: He wrecked the gate!

Gamling: Back to work, guys.

As he sets Legolas down, Boromir loses his balance. He'll be shish-kebabed by the Orcs! HE'LL BE SHISH-KEBABED BY THE ORCS!!!

The Orcs move away.

Boromir: Ouch.

Legolas: Boromir's dead! Again!

Boromir: I'm not dead!

Legolas: Boromir's dying!

Boromir: I'm perfectly fine!

The Uruks move back in place, stepping over him.

Boromir: Ow!

Aragorn: Don't worry. He'll be back in time for RotK.

Théoden: There's a moral in this scene . . . somewhere . . .

[Meneltarmacil]

*Somehow, Legolas manages to haul Aragorn and Gimli up to the top of the wall*

*Uruks start firing giant crossbow-things at the wall. One of them hits Peter Jackson as he's making a cameo appearance.*

PJ: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! You idiot! You weren't supposed to do that! How am I supposed to direct this (censored) thing when I'm DEAD?!!!

ARAGORN: Maybe you should make fewer cameo appearances.

PJ: AAAAAAAARRRGGGHH!!! *attacks Aragorn with huge battle axe*

ARAGORN: Shut up. *hits the director over the head*

PJ: *falls backward, unconscious, snapping rope attached to ladder*

URUKS ON LADDER: STUPID DIRECTORRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

URUK IN HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Cowabunga!!!

THEODEN: Aw, forget it. I think we're doomed. Yes, that's it! We're DOOMED! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

*Theoden runs like a chicken. The others stupidly follow.*

ARAGORN: Um, why are we hiding in here waiting for the orcs to kill us?

THEODEN: Because it's absolutely hopeless, we're doomed, and I'm too chicken to do anything.

GAMLING: Exactly.

ARAGORN: Well, if we're all gonna die anyway, can't we at least ride out and run over a couple hundred orcs with some cool music playing in the background?

THEODEN: No, I'm too chicken to do that. WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!

GIMLI: The sun is rising.

THEODEN: The sun is rising? The SUN is RISING? THE SUN IS RISING?! Well, that changes everything. Let's go. Gimli, the secret weapon, please.

ARAGORN: Secret weapon?

THEODEN: You'll see.

GAMLING: Here, I recommend you take these. *hands everybody some earplugs*

*Uruks break in. Gimli runs up to the top of the tower and finds a CD player wired to some HUUUUGE speakers. He turns it on*

*Uruks fall to the floor and die from the horror of hearing ELEVATOR MUSIC at ear-splitting decibel levels* (where's the evil smily when I really need it?)

*Theoden and Co. ride out and run over many of the remaining orcs, who die just as easily*

*Gandalf, Eomer, Rohirrim show up and ride down the hill*

GANDALF: Where did all these guys come from? You only had 20 or so.

EOMER: Must be a plot hole. Pay no attention.

GANDALF: Right. Got it.

RANDOM GUY: Aaaaaaagh! *horse trips over rock*

*his horse hits the rider in front of him, who crashes into the riders in front of him, etc., and everybody falls like dominoes, crashing into the orcs who in turn fall like dominoes*

OK, all we need to do for the rest of TTT are:
Treebeard discovering half the forest is missing
Ents trashing Isengard
Frodo and Sam at Osgiliath
Gandalf's "We're doomed" speech
Final scene with Frodo, Sam and Gollum in Ithilien

Then we're on to ROTK...

[Sleepy Ranger]

Then we're on to ROTK...

And I bagged the WK death scene...

[Oddwen]

Thank you once again, Elennar!

DISCLAIMER: Peace, Oddie-Woddie Poo.

Nilpescence of Fegalunsia: "We will have peace," said Oddwen at last thickly and with an effort. Several of the Downers cried out gladly. Oddwen held up her hand. "Yes, we will have peace," she said now in a clear voice, "We will have peace when you and all your works have perished - and the works of your dark master to whom you would deliver us. You are a liar, Nilp, and a corrupter of men's hearts."

"No, no! What am I saying? I have been dreaming."

Seriously, Menel, Sleepy and Nilp good jobs! My attention was especially drawn to this paragraph:

Merry: I've wanted to kill someone - or something - ever since I was a wee little kid. Now the chance comes, and you won't help me? You must help me. Please! You must do something.

Treebeard: You are crazy, Master Merry. I think you need to see a friend of mine. His name's Strate Jacquet.

HA HA HAAAAAA!!! HAHAHAAHAAAhem. Sorry, bloodlust finds me rolling on the floor. And then I got the image of Merry and the m-16...oh that's priceless. Hee hee...

Anyway. Good jobs, keep 'em up! Gotta go!

[Oddwen]

I can't believe I forgot about this...I wrote it for a really dumb fic a while back. It fits somewhere after Aragorn falls off the cliff/before Elrond and Arwen have their talk in TTT.

***(***

Arwen: What have you been doing?

*Flashback to Elrond standing in front of a tub of water. In his hand is a little Aragorn doll. Elrond sticks a pin in the doll and drops it into the water*

Elrond: Nothing.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

So hang on. :smokin:

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Nilpescence of Fegalunsia: "We will have peace," said Oddwen at last thickly and with an effort. Several of the Downers cried out gladly. Oddwen held up her hand. "Yes, we will have peace," she said now in a clear voice, "We will have peace when you and all your works have perished - and the works of your dark master to whom you would deliver us. You are a liar, Nilp, and a corrupter of men's hearts."

"No, no! What am I saying? I have been dreaming."
"Oddwen, Oddwen!" cried Nilpaurion amidst his tears. But she opened her eyes and said: "Nilpaurion! What joy is this? For they said that you would not post. Nay, but that was only the dark voices in my dream. How long have I been dreaming?"
"Not long, fellow Downer," said Nilpaurion. "But think no more on it! Here is my post."
__________________

Faramir and Company enter the ruins, and they see two Tiger tanks approaching from the other side of the bridge. One of the Gondorian soldier is aiming a bazooka . . . uhhh . . . Sorry, wrong film. OK, so the bunch of weirdos enter Osgiliath.

Faramir: This isn't Osgiliath . . .

They hear a faint voice from the West, crying, "Hey! That's my line!"

Soldier 1: *ignores the voice from the West* The words of Boromir the Dazed . . . may his fëa rest in piece . . .

Frodo: Boromir's dead?!

Faramir: Yes. Haven't I told you back at Henneth Annûn?

Frodo: Uhhh . . . no?!

Faramir: OK. So now you know.

Frodo: Yee . . . ummm . . . Dead? How?! When!?!

Faramir: Shouldn't this have happened earlier?

Madril appears.

Madril: Faramir! SS reinforcements have taken the eastern shore, supported by panzers and artillery. Their numbers are too great. By nightfall we'll be overrun.

I really am in the wrong film . . .

Readers: A-hem!

Oh . . . Frodo begins to breath heavily. This causes Sam concern.

Sam: Frodo?

Frodo: It's calling to him, Sam. His eye is almost on me . . . AAAH!!! The mascara! Too much! Too much!!!

Sam: :rolleyes: Hold on, Mr. Frodo.

A whomp-whomp noise begins to drown him out. Frodo strains to hear him.

Sam: You'll be all right . . . (to self) Or maybe not . . .

Sam continues to speak but his voice fades away and we can only see his lips moving. OK, someone pressed the mute. Look for the remote.

Here!

No, that's my phone!

I found it! *presses mute* The sound returns to normal for us, but the whomp-whomp sound can still be heard in the background. (to crew) HEY! Tell that chopper to buzz off! We're filming here!

Faramir: *pushes Frodo and Sam* Take them to my father.

Another faint voice can be heard, this time from the North. A feminine voice, saying "I told you so . . . "

Faramir(shouts back to the North): It's your fault, Galadriel! You called me big-nosed! My feelings were hurt, y'know?!

Soldiers: :rolleyes: *stops when Faramir turns back to them*

Faramir: Tell him his big-nosed son sends a mighty gift. A weapon that will change our fortunes in this war.

Sam and Frodo are turned over to Madril and his men. Sam jerks free and confronts Faramir.

Sam: You wanna know what happened to Boromir? You wanna know why your brother died?

Faramir: Uh . . . Orcs killed him?

Sam: Oh. Just asking.

Soldier 2: Watch out!

An missile crumbles a tower. The whomp-whomp sound approaches the city. Frodo looks up and his eyes roll back in his head. That kid’s plain weird. No wonder Gandalf set him off to Mordor.

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: They're here. They've come.

Sam: :rolleyes:

A Nazgûl screeches overhead.

Faramir: NAZGÛL!!!

http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/ac/apache2-s.jpg

So that’s what the chopper was for.

Readers: *glower*

Uh . . . Everyone runs for cover. Duh. Who wants to be in the open against an attack helicopter. Faramir places Frodo and then Sam against a wall. Wait, where’s Gollum.

Madril: There you are. *grabs Gollum and pushes him against another wall*

Faramir: Stay here. Keep out of sight.

He leaves them and calls to his men.

Faramir: Take cover! That thing’s got a loudspeaker!

Nazgûl: Vote for Sauron 3019! Oh, and give us back the porcelain cow!
__________________

Oh, and can I have the Nazgûl vs. Eagles fight?

[Oddwen]

"Oddwen, Oddwen!" cried Nilpaurion amidst his tears. But she opened her eyes and said: "Nilpaurion! What joy is this? For they said that you would not post. Nay, but that was only the dark voices in my dream. How long have I been dreaming?"
"Not long, fellow Downer," said Nilpaurion. "But think no more on it! Here is my post."


'Nilpaurion, Nilpaurion!' said Oddwen still laughing. 'Nilpaurion, you missed your path in life. You should have been the BW's jester and earned your reputation, and PT too, by parodying his favorite books. Ah me!' she paused, getting the better of her mirth. 'Understand one another? I fear I am beyond your comprehension.' :p ;)

__________________________

Scene: Treebeard is escorting Pippin and Merry through the forest.

Treebeard: ...Then there was this family of fieldmice who used to climb up into every crack and crevice, and they'd crunch something awful when I moved, and then there was the problems with the bloodstains and let me tell you I got in trouble with Fimbrethil for that! And...*gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaspooooooooooooooommmmm mm!!*

Pip: Zzz...snork...wha?

Tree: The forest! It's been razed to the ground!

Merry: Raised to the ground? Isn't that an oxymoron?

TB: What? No, RAZED. But this is no time for a spelling lesson!

Pip: Why not?

TB: Don't waste my time! Saruman must PAY for this treachery! *HOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!*

Pip*rubbing his ears*: Boy, that'll do it! Come on Merry, let's go home!

*TB picks up Pippin from his perch and drop-kicks him towards Isengard. A moment later he appears back in the ent's branches with a puzzled look on his face*

Pippin*points*: Look! The trees are moving!

TB: They have business with the orcs. But my business is with Isengard tonight. With rock and stone!

Merry: And next with Pippin! Whose head is made of rock and stone!

*Merry & TB roar with laughter. Pippin looks oblivious*

*Other ents start to feebly totter out of the forest on their ancient legs. They blink in the sunlight and grumble*

Merry: Alright! A bunch of old fogey trees and a couple of halflings are storming the impenetrable fortress of a great and mighty wizard! There's gonna be bloodshed tonight! *mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA...*

*thump!*

TB: Okay, that's enough. It's time to reintroduce you to my friend, Jaque Strape.

Pip: Jaque who?

TB: Oops, wrong friend.

____________________________

Hmm. Hee hee. Hmm. Gonna go 'board with my brother. Gnarly, dude.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

'Nilpaurion, Nilpaurion!' said Oddwen still laughing. 'Nilpaurion, you missed your path in life. You should have been the BW's jester and earned your reputation, and PT too, by parodying his favorite books. Ah me!' she paused, getting the better of her mirth. 'Understand one another? I fear I am beyond your comprehension.' :p ;)

Ascended Finrod's son and heir.
With dreadful voice he uttered there:
'Be you friend or foe, or just a guest
Of Barrowdowns, or on a quest
To parody the film three-part
Of Gandalf's journey in a cart,
Neither law nor love nor court order
Forbidding me to come hither
May save you, if you daring call
Me clown, or wit, or jester tall,
From being proven ever false:
See my next post, see how it galls!'
__________________

The Ents were breaking the wall. Treebeard picks up four Orcs, moulds them into a ball, then throws it at Isengard.

Merry: Hit! Has anyone ever said you rock?

Treebeard: Not since the Sillmarillion.

Some half-orcs, quarter-orcs, and 9/16th-orcs appear. Merry kills them with his M-16.

Merry: Oh, yeah! Darling, where have you been all my life?

M-16: In your bag . . . with your pipeweed . . . teeheeheeheehee! HAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!!! *rapid fire*

Merry: Hey chill, dude. Look, you're out of rounds.

M-16: Awww . . .

Some Calico-orcs* and Sheep-orcs** appear.
* Calico-orcs = Orcs + Tortoiseshell Cats.
** Sheep-orcs = Orcs + Sheepdogs.

Treebeard: Uh-oh. We're out of rocks.

Pippin: Me! Throw me!

Treebeard: ???

Treebeard shrugs his shoulders, picks Pippin up and throws him at the Pet-orcs. The Orcs are squashed. Pippin appears back unharmed in Treebeard's branches.

Treebeard: Wow. Uber-cretin, dude.

Pippin: Yep. That's me. Cretin. Whatever that is.

Merry and Treebeard roar with laughter. Pippin looks stumped.

Meanwhile . . .

Drunkroot: I'm stiff. I need a stiff drink. Bring out the beer!

Dogbark: OK, OK. *breaks dam open*

Drunkroot: This ain't beer, duuuuuu . . . *is swept away by the river*

Up in Orthanc . . .

Saruman (in multicoloured PJs): *yaw . . . Agh! Many weird tree people and two weird small people are attacking my impenetrable fortress! Gríma! Bring out the Dy-no-mite!

Gríma: Coming, boss-Maia. *trips, Dy-no-mite falls on a candle* Oops . . .

Orthanc: KA-BOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Ents: Whoa! Massive shockwave!

And thus, Saruman and Wormtongue were not in RotK. Good night.

[Oddwen]

This is you. " :D " This is you after reading Nilp's post. " http://1.forumer.com/html/emoticons/oddwensplace/silly.gif ". Oh wait...that is Nilp. My mistake. ;)

~*~*~*~*~*~* Scene: Osgiliath *~*~*~*~*~*~

Nazgul: Vote for Sauron 3019! Oh, and give us back the Porcelain Cow!

*Frodo, in his dazed state, takes this opportunity to leave the corner where he had been put for a "Time Out", and starts climbing the very dangerous ruins for a closer look at the chopper*

Faramir: They want the Porcelain Cow! They can have it when they pry it from our cold dead fingers. For Gondor!!!

*There is a furious volley of puny arrows towards the massive choppers. Meanwhile, Frodo has reached the top of an archway*

Nazgul no. 5: Quick, Operator, I need to know how to minutely maneuver a 'copter!

*Quickflash to Naz5, his (?) undead robes twitch as the information is downloaded into his brain*

Frodo: You know, I have a sudden urge...

Random Soldiers: He's got the Urge!

Frodo: ...to look at my Porcelain Cow! *mutters* Shampoo fiends...

*Slowly, with trembling fingers, he pulls the small knick-knack out of a secret pocket*

Naz5: Aha! Now to get closer...

Sam: Blue 42! Blue 42! Hut, hut!

Sports Announcer: And Gamgee sacks the quarterback!

*Fro and Sam tumble down the stairs, while the Nazgul loses control of the 'copter and crashes into the building. It sets off a chain reaction which destroys a whole building*

Morpheus: What do you think now, Trinity?

Trinity: That we're in the wrong movie.

*Fro and Sam end up at the bottom of the stairs. Fro pulls Sting out and points it at Sam's face*

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo! You have smashed the Porcelain Cow!

*A climactic pause as all of our faithful readers GASP!*

*Frodo's eyes lose their former madness, and a grief uncalculable dawns. With a small sigh, he looses Sting and collapses against a pillar*

Frodo: Oh, Sam! What have I done? I can't do this anymore!

Sam: I know, I know. By rights we shouldn't even be here in Osgiliath, talking about a Porcelian Cow or politicians. But it's like the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes, the ending you didn't want to know, hmm? Because happy, how could the end be?

Fro: Sam? Why have you gone green?

Sam: Hmm! Wants to know why I am green, he does!

*Fro smacks him*

*Flash-sideways to where the Rohirrim et. al. have defeated the Uruks*

Theoden: Victory! We have victory! I knew it all along!

Everybody: :rolleyes:

Sam v.o.: But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. The sun will rise. The dew will evaporate. The noonday sun will make most of the shadows disappear. And the rays will fall upon the little seeds, and the seeds will spring up and spring towards the sky, and the gentle rains...*smack*

*Flash to Isengard, where there is a gigantic kegger going on, in which Merry and Pippin are making complete and total drunken fools of themselves, the little cuties*

Sam v.o.: Those were the stories that stayed with you.

Fro v.o.: The stories that stayed with me were the ones my cousin Burfo told me about the giant turnips that they used to grow back in his grandfather's day.

Sam v.o.: Those were disturbing. But even that means something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. And I am even more disturbed than before.

Fro v.o.: What is there to hold onto, then?

*Back to Osgiliath*

Sam*hoisting Fro to his feet*: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it doesn't involve turnips.

Gollum: Well, Sméagol is confused.

Faramir*walking up to Frodo*: I think at last we understand one another, Frodo Baggins.

Fro: Um...why?

Madril: You know the laws of your country, the laws of your decent-nosed father. If you let them go, statues of you with tremendously exaggerated noses will mysteriously appear in strange places at strange times.

Faramir: Hoo boy. I forgot about that. Well, shall I endure the statues, or condemn Middle-earth to enslavery forever? I'll have to sleep on that.

Sam: What?!

Faramir: Never mind my former statement, Frodo Baggins. I may understand you, but you will never fully understand me.

Fro: *sobs*


~*~*~*~*~*~* Scene: The Forests of Ithilien *~*~*~*~*~*~

*Frodo, Sam and Gollum finally escaped the freak-show of Osgiliath, and are walking through Ithilien towards Mordor*

Sam: I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs, or tales.

Fro: What?

Sam: I wonder if people will ever say, 'Legolas is sooo hott!!11!! I luv him! And I luv Pipin he is so funy!!!1!! lol!! And I love Aragorn 'cuz his hair...'

Fro: Stop! Stop! If people ever say that sort of thing, I might just think that this quest isn't worth it. And I have a feeling that the worst is yet to come.

Sam: You're right, Mr. Frodo. And anyway, they would probably say more things along the line of 'I dont liek Frodo, I only lik Leoglas, bcuz hes prettyr! lol!! Frodo is ugli, and he cant act!'

Fro*sarcastically*: But you're forgetting the chiefest of characters: Sammy the Fat. 'I dont liek Sam, hes too fat and ugli lolol he makes the ringrathes look almost as pretti as Lagolos but not quite bcuz Legolas is so pretti I want to ksis him and marri him lololol!!1!!!!'

Sam: Now, Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun. I was being serious!

Fro: So was I. *stifling a laughing fit, he turns to walk on*

Sam: I don't get it.

Frodo: Now where has Sméago gotten to? SMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEAAAAGOOOOOLLLLLLLL!!!

*Meanwhile, Gollum is ahead of the duo, scouting ahead*

Sam: Ouch! Mr. Frodo, do you think it's wise to yell that loud?

Smeegs*crawling tortuously*: Master...Master looks after us. Master wouldn't hurt us.

Gollum: But he did, just now. Ouches, our eardrums...

Smeegs: Yes, maybe, perhaps...

Gollum: Master broke his promise.

Smeegs: But the ice cream store was closed!

Gollum: Master betrayed us! We ought to wring his filthy little neck!

Smeegs: Can we wash it first, precious?

Gollum: Kill him! Kill them both! And we take the Precious, and go back to the ice cream store and TRADE it for a double-dip waffle cone!

Smeegs*scuttles behind a tree*: The fat hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching.

Gollum: Then we stabs them out. Put out his eyeses. And put them on our ice cream, eh? Yummy sundae for Sméagol?

Smeegs: Yes, yes!

Gollum: Kill them both. Then there's two eyeballses for each of us!

Smeegs: Yes! No no! It's too risky, too risky! But then, risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars...

*The hobbits have come closer during this argument*

Sam: Where's that Gollum? Hey, Gollum! I have hamburgers!

Fro: You do? GIMMIE!

Sam*sotto voice*: No Mr. Frodo, I'm trying to lure him.

Gollum*low and deadly, savoring the syllables*: We could let...her do it.

Smeegs: Yes, she could do it.

Gollum: Yes, precious, she could. And we takes it once they're dead, and with the time She will take to do it, the gold standard will have skyrocketeded, and we will be able to buy TWO ice cream cones!

Smeegs: Once they're dead...

Gollum: Shh!

*Suddenly out in front of Sam and Fro a hideous creature leaps! It's spindly and pale, and its mouth with its six teeth is horribly in need of a breathmint!*

Smeegs: Silly hobbits, climb out of tree! Long ways to go yet. Sméagol will show you the way!

*Sam and Fro climb down, muttering evilly. Smeagollum turns to go*

Gollum: Follow me...heheheheheeeeee...

Sam: Was that an evil laugh I just heard, Gollum?

Smeegs: *cough* No, must be a nice fishhhbone stuck in poor Sméagol's throat! Gollum gollum!

Sam: Alright then, just don't try any sinister plans on us! We weren't born yesterday, you know!

Gollum: Okay, okay...

*And as the trio walk on, the horizon above them darkens. For quite near now is the land of Mordor. There is a dark eye in a dark tower, and dark shapes fly darkly across a darkening sky. Fadeout to the darkest dark yet...*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*The End...?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

...And now ladies and gentlemen...unless you'd like to do some EE scenes, on with "THE RETURN OF THE FISH!"

. ' ` ' . ' `' >)))o>. ' ` ' . >)))o>` ' . ' ` '.

Before going on with that, I shall do an EE scene. Ha ha! Hoho! They're coming to take me away, haha, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time...

@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@
*It is a subdued scene in Rohan, as the body of Théodred, son of the king, is brought to his final rest. The bier is carried by the royal guard, and the King, the Wizard and the Ranger follow. Théoden is carred into the tomb, and Éowyn lifts her voice in grief*

Éowyn:
Walk with me my little child-DAH!
To the forest of denial-AH!
Speak with me my only mind
Walk with me until the time
Make the forest turn to wine
Take the legend for a fall
You saw the product
Why cant you see that you are my child?
Why don't you know that you are my mind?
Tell everyone in the world, that I'm you
Take this promise to the end of you!

Theoden: *muttermutter*

Éowyn: But he liked it!

Theoden: *MUTTERmuttermutter*

Éowyn: Oh, fine.

Bealocwealm hafa / fréone frecan forth onsended
giedd sculon singan gléomenn sorgiende
on Meduselde æt he ma no wære
his dryhtne dyrest and mæga deorost.
Bealo...

(An evil death has set forth the noble warrior
A song shall sing the sorrowing minstrels
Blah! Blah! The kitty goes meow!
In Meduseld the welcome mats
Are overcome by fattened rats
Would welcome we, a nice kitty!
In Meduseld that he is no more,
To his lord dearest and his kinsmen most beloved.
An evil death...)

*And Boom! The tomb door was shut*

Gimli v.o.: I liked the first one better.


*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*

And now onto RotK!
Da RotK script (http://www.councilofelrond.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Subjects&file=index&req=viewpage&pageid=61)

[Meneltarmacil]

In AD 2004 war was beginning.

Nilpaurion Felagund: What happen?

Oddwen: Someone set up us the bomb.

Oddwen: We get signal.

Nilpaurion Felagund: What?

Oddwen: Main screen turn on.

Nilpaurion Felagund: It's you!

Meneltarmacil: How are you gentlemen?

Meneltarmacil: All your base are belong to us.

Meneltarmacil: You are on the way to destruction.

Nilpaurion Felagund: What you say?

Meneltarmacil: You have no chance to survive make your time.

Meneltarmacil: Ha ha ha ha...

(The above came from the opening sequence of a Japanese video game that didn't get dubbed in English very well. The phrase "All your base are belong to us" has since been spread all over the Internet as a rather weird joke.)

************************************************** **************
(Helm's Deep)

GANDALF: Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin. However, I do have some good news.

ARAGORN: Our hopes now lie with two little hobbits somewhere in the wilderness?

GANDALF: No. I just saved a bundle on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I think she's quoted every song from the album Toxicity . . . well, maybe not all, but still . . .

Oh well. Back to topic.
__________________

Outtakes: Merry and Pip gets drunk

Merry, Pippin, and Treebeard sit near Orthanc.

Pippin: Hey, T-man! That drink was totally awesome!

Merry: Yeah! Mixing that ent-draught with Isen-water just increased the alcohol content to 70%!

Pippin: I need seventy cents?

Merry: :rolleyes: *takes out his pipe and bag o' weed.* Wanna smoke?

Treebeard: No, I quit. It blocks my stomata.

Merry: Yeah? Well those folks will stop smoking in a day or two. *motions to ruins of Orthanc*

Treebeard and Merry share a laugh. Pippin (as usual) looks confused.
__________________

Hey, can I have "The Black Gate Opens" and "Mt. Doom" scenes? I really have prepared a good script for it. Trust me. ;)

[Oddwen]

A TTT EE scene:

*At the end of the battle of Helm's Deep*


Gimli: Forty-two, master Legolas!

Leggy: Forty-two what? Orcs?

Gimli: No. It's the answer!

Legs: To what?

Gimli: Well, everything.

Legs: How do you know that?

Gim: Duh! I have a brain the size of a planet!

Legs: Now that I doubt.

Gim: Oh, and I did get forty-three orcs, by the way.

*Leggy pulls his bow out, and then screaming obscenities starts to chase a frightened Gimli around Helm's Deep*

[lothlorien]

Hey you guys are so funny I love the script so far keep working on it oh and if no bodies already baggsed it then could I please claim the scene where Denethor gets set on fire if somebodies already claimed it then that's cool

Well that's all I wanted to say keep writing ok bye

Lothlorien

[Oddwen]

But we'll try anyway.

lothlorien: Thank you! I believe we were sort of saving the Denethor scenes for Meela, but multiple versions of scenes are ok! :)


And Nilpsy-Wilpsy -

Diss on System and make long waits!
Run with knives and wargs and orcs!
That's what Nilpy Feggy hates--
Hack the BD's and poke with forks

Cut the crap and get to the chat
Give him rep based on postings poor,
Rate his bones using rate F flat!
Post the whine on every door!

Dump his posts in a trashy bin;
Grind them up with a rotten pumpkin;
And when you've finished, if he's still talking,
Send him on his way now walking!

That's what Nilpy Feggy hates!
So carefully, carefully he's irate!

Okaaay...that made little if any sense. :p


o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

*Scene: Nearabouts the Shire, the Second Age. Two hobbit-like creatures are sitting in a little boat, peacefully fishing*

Creature #1: Rub-a-dub-dub, two men in a tub...

Creature #2: Cold be hand and heart and bone...

#1: Really, Sméagol, must you be so depressing all the time? It's your birthday even!

Smeegs: Yes, and we haven't caught one stinking fish, Déagol!

Deegs: Well you picked the spot.

*Deegs suddenly gets a bite!*

Deegs: Quick, Sméagol! Get the net! I've got one....WHOAAAA!

*Déagol is suddenly yanked out of the boat! He is pulled along on the surface of the water, huge plumes of water are churned up by his feet! before he is dragged underwater. Déagol, finally remembering to let go of the rod, sees something shiny underwater. Thinking it was a lure he lost in a snag some summers back, he grabs it and goes to the surface*

Deegs: Woo, what a ride! Now for my precious lure...

*But it is not his lure! It is another's. (haha, a pun!) Instead, it is a ring. A very shiny ring. A very shiny...round ring...*

Deegs: Where's the grief? (haha, another pun!)

Smeegs(panting and running up): Déagol! That was AWESOME! The fish must've been a league long! What lure were you using?

*He sees the ring in Deeg's hand, and fate starts its fateful wheels a'turning*

Smeegs: But how did you catch the fish, it doesn't even have a hook?

Deegs: It's not a lure, stupid, it's a ring.

Smeegs: Ha ha, very funny. Of course it's a lure, it must be a magic lure. Why else would you be hiding it behind your back?

Deegs: I don't know what you are talking about.

Smeegs: Give me the lure, my love, it is my birthday!

Deegs: I already gave you that can of nice, juicy worms! Besides, it's mine, I found it. Finders keepers losers weepers!

Smeegs: But I...wants it.

Deegs: Yeah, well your mother was a hampster and...gurkkll! Glaaablalarrghhh! *dies*

Smeegs: My...Precious...where do you attatch the hook?

*And Sméagol disappeared!*

Smeegs v.o.: They cursed us, called us "Murderer". "It's the will of the Bambino" they said. They took away our red sox and drove us away.

It is a shadow of its former self, a gnawed and hungry being that is thrown out of his home. Forever tying a string to the ring (a pun! Ha ha!) and throwing it into rivers, he caught no fish with it. Finally, he searched so high and low for worms he found himself in a cave.

Gollum: Gollum! Gollum! Gollum! (Gollum? Gollum!) GOLLUM! GOL-No! Let go of me! Ahhhh*is carted off to meet Mr. Straite Jaquet*

Smeegs v.o.: And we forgot the sound of the crack of the bat. We forgot the taste of baseball park hot dogs. We even forgot our own name. My...
Red Sox.

*A closeup! Sméagol at a sushi bar! The fish is slimy, and putrid. His plaquated teeth grind the juicy pink flesh, and the roe trickles out the side of his mouth! Oh, look, he's gumming the liver now! He's gnawing on the spine and...no! Don't take me away nooo ahhhh!!!

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Hokey-dokey, next scene is Fro, Sam and Gollum waking up and moving on.

[Oddwen]

(haha, I'm watching the movie AND typing this at the same time!)

a rehash


Smeagol: Mmm! Worms! *stick*

Worm: Ahh! *dies*

lalala...Deagie falls out

Deags: Smeagol! hahaha!

Deagol's hat: Help me! I'm drowning!

River: *boot* Here! Take him back!

Deegs: Oh, the sun, the sun!

Deegs: Yum, mud!

Smeegs: Tell a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and...ooh, mud!

Smeegs: Give us that...

Deegs: No! My mud!

*SMACKDOWN!*

Deegs: I'm gonna stick my fingers up your nose!

Smeegs: Nooo! *bite*

Smeegs: Hey...whose heartbeat is that? Sure not Deagol's...uh-oh...

Smeegs: Hey, that's not mud! But it's pretty!

/rehash

--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--

Scene: Near Mordor.

Sam: SNNXXXXXX.....

Fro: Cant stand anymore...must disappear...pretty pretty ring...ahh!

Gollum: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Yes we're so tired of waiting!

Sam: SNXXXXXXX...What? Oh, time to get up! Why, Mr. Frodo! You look as if you haven't slept for a week!

Fro: *twitch*

Sam: Well, I for one had a lovely refreshing nap! *stretches and yawns* Hey, blanket, you and I have another date for tomorrow night, heh heh!

Fro: *twitch* *twitch*

Sam: Well, bless my furry hobbit feet! It's getting late outside!

Fro: No, it isn't midday yet.

Sam: Isn't it? Well, I can take a little nap then...

Fro: SAM!!! The days are growing darker, the hour is late and Gandalf the Grey comes to Isengard, seeking my counsel!

Sam: Just a little joke, Mr. Frodo, and...what?

*Suddenly, the earth starts to shake...*

Gollum: Hurry hurry, silly hobbits! Place will fall down around our ears!

Sam: Not until I have...I mean Mr. Frodo, has somethin' to eat. *Sam ignores Gollum and rummages blithely around in his pack* Here, have some laaaaaambas bread.

Fro(a light appearing in his eyes): Food! *snarf!*

Sam: Oh, um, okay...I'll eat the leaf then...although really I'm not hungry...not like I can't get laaaaaaambas bread at any old store or anything...

Fro: Hmm bmm flrrmm hmm?

Sam: Not like there isn't plenty to get us there and back, ya know.

Fro: Hmm mmph?!?

Sam: Although I don't know if we will get back...go ahead and eat...I'll starve...poor thin Gamgee.

*trudge, trudge trudge, on the road again...*

Gollum: WILL YOU JUST HURRY UP ALREADY?? We're so close, I can smell it!

Sam: I thought that was Mr. Frodo's socks.

Fro: Sam...I don't wear socks.

--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--

Pip: I feel like I'm back at the Green Dragon, after a hard day's night of idling and shoplifting.

Merry: And drinking!

M&P: HAHAHAHAHAAAA! Hey, ho to the bottle I go...

Pip: I am soooo wasted, man...

Merry: Hey, lookie there! YO, LORDS! Welcome to Ishengard! *falls off wall*

Gimli: You drunken hooligans! You are a disgrace to decent society! Hey, is that Pipeweed?

Pip: We are shhhhhhh...

Merry: Pip, watch the language!

Pip: We are sheated on a field of victory. I have consumed enough ale for an *hic* navy on shore leave! The salted pork is particularly good, as we marinaded it in ale and cooked it over burning *hic* pipeweed, heheheheeee!

Gimli: *drool*

Gandy: Stupid hobbits...muttermutter...did he say pipeweed?

Merry: We are under orders from Teebear...

*Pippin peers quizzically upwards*

Merry: Tee, tr..Treebear', who's taken over management of Ishnngard. Hee hee *hic!*

Pip: That means he's the GRAND POOBAH.

Merry: The HIGH MUCKETY-MUCK.

Pip: The BIG CHEESE.

Merry: Ooh, cheese!

--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--

That's enough for now, I think. Next scene is Gandy & the rest meeting w' Treebeard, and Pip gets the Palantir.
...
Wake up, wake up, wake up, yeah I'm so tired of waiting, waiting for us to...for us to make a move...

[Oddwen]

Well, here I am again...posting, posting, posting...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Scene: The Three Hunters, the White Wizard, the Host of Rohan, and two not-orcs approach Isengard.


Treebeard: Hoommmmmmmmmmmmooooooohhhhhooooooooommmmooohhhhooo om, Young Master Gandalf. I'm...glad, yes, glad you've come. Hotels and restaurants, stock and portfolios I can master, but there is a wizard to manage here. We think. There's this huge crater where Isengard used to be. No trace of the tower or wizard.

Gandy: Oh. Um. Script?

PJ: *whisperwhisperwhisper*

Howard Shore: Aright, time for some brooding theme music!

Gandy: *whispermutter, what the Angband am I supposed to...* Oh, ahem! But you said "used", and "no trace" of Saruman. What about "is?" Is he dead?

TB: We...don't know.

Gandy: Well, did you go into Isengard?

TB: *stare* You're kidding, right? I just explained...it...

Gandy: Well, the snake still had one tooth left, I think, for he has obviously poisoned your mind. But I shall speak to him.

TB: Is he kidding?

Aragorn: Probably not.

Gandy: Saruman, Saruman! Come down Saruman!

TB: Well anyway, this mess is slowly washing away. Soon the Isen will run clean again, and Drunkbeard and Dogbark can fix the dam. *glare*

Gandy: Saruman, Saruman. Saruman, you missed your path in life.

Aragorn: I think he has delusions of grandeur.

*Pippin, through a drunken haze, sees a glowing glow in the waters. After staring cross-eyed at it for a while, he fell off the horse*

Pip: Ahhhh*splash!*

*He appears back on the horse with a confused look on his face. He then climbs down very carefully down*

Gandy: Come back, Saruman!

Pip: *blubber*

TB: And trees, young trees who HAVEN'T flunked AA will come to summer vacation here, and the land will spring up green, and the little plants will shoot up towards the sky, and the sun will nourish the tender shoots sending their little roots deep into the rich earth...

Gandy: I did not give you leave to go...

Pip: Hey, cool, a glowing bowling ball! Anyone up for some ninepins?

Gandy: I am not Gandalf the Grey whom you betrayed...

Merry: Shure, can we find some sticks we can use for pins?

Gandy: I am Gandalf the White, returned from death!

Gimli: Ooh! Ooh! I want Legolas for my team!

Legs: Shut up, shorty.

Gandy: You have no colour now, and I cast you from the order and from the Council.

A: Hey, Pippin, that isn't a bowling ball!

Gandy: Saruman, your staff is broken! Pow, kapow, ziingie!

All: What?

Gandy: No, that was not thrown by Saruman; nor even at his bidding, I think. It came from a window far above. A parting shot from Master Wormtongue, I fancy, but ill aimed.

Éomer: Is it just me, or does he keep talking, like we're listening or something?

Gandy: Pippin, here, I did not ask you to handle that! Give it here!

Pip: Noo!

*After a few minutes of wrestling, Gandy managed to wrest the ball from Pippin's tight grasp. Barely*

Pip: Wahh! He BIT me!

Leggy: Ha, you owe me twenty dollars! Pay up!

Gimli: *grump*

Merry: Hey, now we can't play ninepins!

The Host: Aww, man! Stupid Gandalf!

Gandy: It is the end. Let us go.

*Not without a mutter, not without a death threat or two, the host made their way back to Edoras*

Pip: I'm gonna get you, Gandalf, if it's the last thing I do. Hey, Aragorn, let me back up! Don't leave me behind! Waiiiit uuuup youuuu guyyyyys!

TB: Well, bless my furry little hobbit feet!

Ent: Wrong metaphor there, sir.

TB: Shut up, Dutchelm!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Annnd the next scene is Hail the Fallen Dead/The Palantir scene. And unless someone gets crackin', it'll be time for the EE Drinking Contest Scene!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I'm rather sorry if I haven't been posting that much. But I'll come back with a post sometime this week.

And you think we would want to read it?

Hush, Adam.

[Oddwen]

Not to interrupt Nilp's post or anything...I just had an idea for something at the tower of Cirith Ungol and want to post a reminder for myself.

"SAMSAMSAMSAM"

I just hope it hasn't been claimed already...what with all the activity going on around here and all...lawks, lahdy-day.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

. . . but still no posts. Oh, well.

Tomorrow. Really.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

At Meduseld. Théoden rushes in and goes straight to his room. He plunges into his bed.

Théoden: Ah, I thought I’d never see you again. *rolls up in his blankie, bambi eyes at Gandalf* Can I stay here ‘til the war is over?

Gandalf: No. We have to rescue your *coughcuckoo* friend.

Théoden: Ms. Cuddles?

Gandalf: No. Denethor.

Théoden: But I don’t wanna! Can’t you tell him “doctor’s orders” or something?

Gandalf: No. We have to save his city from being overrun by a gazillion Orcs. If that happens I lose my retirement fund . . . I mean Middle-earth shall surely fall.

Théoden: But I almost died!

Gandalf: “Almost” doesn’t cut it! You still have to . . . oops. Hehe.

Théoden: *stands up and stares at him weirdly* What?

Gandalf (http://2.forumer.com/html/emoticons/unsure.gif): Nothing . . .

Gamling: My lord, it’s time for the celebration.

Théoden: Awww . . . do I have to?

Gamling: Yes, sire. You have to keep your people drunk so they could forget your lack of a standard welfare program.

Théoden: *sigh* Very well. But I want the theme to be Star Wars.

Gamling: What, my lord?

Théoden: Just tell ‘em.

Later, at Meduseld’s Press Room (and Party Hall), the celebration has just begun.

Bouncer: What are wearing?

Guy in styro-Númenor island costume: I’m Hyarrostar. The king said Star-something is the theme.

Bouncer: It’s Star Wars. You’re not allowed.

Guy: But . . . but . . . It hasn’t existed in this Age yet! You have to let me in!

Bouncer: *draws light sabre* Don’t make me force you out . . .

Guy: Hey. Where’d you get that?

Bouncer: Somewhere . . . *uneasy for a while* Now GIT!

Inside . . .

Théoden (in Emperor costume): . . . and so we give tribute to those were in front, to those who caught all the incoming arrows, and to those who were slow and clumsy. All hail the victorious Dead!

Men of Rohan: *silence*

Théoden: C’mon! ‘coz of ‘em we’re still alive!

Men: YEAH!!!

Théoden: So eat, drink and be Pippin! Forget the fact that tomorrow we may be needed to ride our horses at breakneck speeds!

Men: PAAAR-TAY!!!!!

Éowyn (approaches Aragorn in Amidala costume): Drink to me not only with thine eyes. *offers cup*

Aragorn (in Darth Vader costume): Huh?

Éowyn: I meant have a drink, Aragorn.

Aragorn: Yeah, sure. *takes cup, inhales aroma* Hey, this decade-old Dorwinion red wine is laced with Imloth Melui rose extract. Are you trying to do something to me?

Éowyn: Me? Aman, no! *mutter* With you, maybe . . .

Aragorn: What?

Éowyn: Nothing. *pouts*

Aragorn leaves.

Gimli (sidles up to Éowyn in Ewok costume): I don’t see why you keep trying to get Aragorn, when you could have me.

Éowyn: :rolleyes: Here I mean no offence, Master Dwarf, but you’re . . . small . . .

Gimli: Hey, I can live with your height.

Éowyn: :rolleyes: . . . and female (http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showpost.php?p=353224&postcount=30).

Gimli: True. Go on.

Éowyn: I’m straight.

Gimli: Nobody’s perfect, dear.

Éowyn: *groan* I’m so outta here . . .

On top of some table, a little Ossefest has begun . . .

Merry:
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!

Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipe!
Pip ish high, Pip ish high, Pip ish really on the go!

Pippin: You’re shtill shlurring, dude.

Merry: Shteer.

Pippin: Shkola.

Merry: Schule.

Pippin: Ich habe dash nicht vershtanden. Ich shpreche nicht Deutsch.

Merry: What-ever, dude.

On the buffet table . . .

Freda’s mom (from afar in C-3PO costume): The last pepperoni pizza slice!

Théoden: Hey, look! Pepperoni! *takes slice* Gamling, do we still have more pizza?

Gamling (in Obi-Wan costume): No, sire. The Pizza Hall’s closed ‘til the next age. I think they’re perfecting the manflesh pizza in case Sauron wins.

Théoden: Yeah, whatever. *eats last slice*

Mom (approaches Théoden): I swear that for the rest of this age you shall know neither peace nor rest, pizza-stealer.

Théoden: Woman, I’m the king of almost half the world of Free Men. No-one can harm me.

Freda’s mom storms off, vowing bloody vengeance.

Meanwhile . . .

Aragorn: No news of Frodo.

Gandalf: No word. Nothing.

Aragorn: We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.

Gandalf: Do we know that?

Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?

Gandalf pauses.

Gandalf: That Frodo is alive. *pause* Yes. Yes, he's alive.

Aragorn: Is that you or the ale that’s talking. ‘coz there’s no way in Menel, Cemen, or the three cities of Valinor that he’s still alive.

Gandalf: True. He’s dead in some ditch near Mordor.

Aragorn (laughs): And you made him Ringbearer.

Gandalf: Yeah. The Ring’s near Mordor. *gulp* We are so dead.

Aragorn: Told you your plan sucked from the start. We should just have allied with the Galactic Empire.

Gandalf: Is that you or Darth Vader talking?
__________________

Can I have the scene immediately after the WK/Éowyn/Merry scene? I want to be the one to kill Théoden. http://www.geocities.com/louis_martian/smilies/evil.gif

[Oddwen]

Just a quickie. This fits in...somewhere.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

*Meanwhile Aragorn, to flee the highly suspicious dregs of Queen Armaeowyn, hides outside on the porch, where he finds Legolas dressed as Jar-Jar Binks*

JJ: They laughed at me. Some of them tried to kill me.

DV: What do you expect? You're a stupid and pointless character.

JJ: Are you speaking of me, or...me?

DV: Nevermind.

JJ: *shudder! twitch!*

DV: What was that all about?

JJ: A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind. I can feel it.

DV: Whoa, deja vú. Maybe it's behind that small moon?

JJ: That's no moon. That's an eye.

DV: Don't be silly. That's too big and flaming to be an eye.

JJ: Oh, so it's easily a big flaming moon, huh?

DV: Hey, you never know...

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Leggy as Jar-Jar . . . precious! :D

Vy ze vay, I think I forgot this:

~*~

Théoden: I saw that.

Éowyn (confused): What?

Théoden: You're trying to make moves on my Aragorn.

Éowyn: Your Aragorn? Ai, Eru nín! Uncle, what has the spell of Saruman done to you?

Théoden: It was not Théoden of Rohan who led our people to victory.

Éowyn looks at him weirdly.

Éowyn: I'm going to have to send you for a lobotomy as soon as this whole business is over.

Théoden: No, Luke. I am your father's cousin's grandmother's niece's neighbour's poker buddy's son's sister.

Éowyn: :rolleyes: *leaves*

[Oddwen]

C'est la vie! Éowyn knows elvish now, huh Nilpy?

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

*Scene: Smeegy/Gollum argument. Again*

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

SmeaGollum: ...snrrt, wanna ride the...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

SG: ...thieves, they stole it from...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

SG: ...them. Both of them...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

SG: KILLLL! KILLLRAAAAA...oh. Oopses.

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: Quiet! Mustn't wake them!

S: Hobbitses sleeping. They'll never hear us over the Fat, Noisy Hobbit.

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: But they knows...they knows! They suspects...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...my precious, my love? Is Sméagol losing...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...nasty hobbitses! Sméagol wants to see them...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...do it again. It's....

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...the precious. We must get...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...patience, my love. First we must...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...lead them to the...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...the stairs. And then?

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: Up, up, up...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...up, up, up, up...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...until we come to...

G: ATunnel!AndWhenTheyGoInThere'sNoComingOut!

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: Excuse us! We're trying to have a conversation here!

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: Ooh, ooh! Shall we go into a detailed discription of all the gory things SHE'll do to the hobbitses? Can we? Can we?

G: Sméagol, you are a stupid...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...donkey. And furthermore, your feet...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...! Take that! Nobody wants to hear about how SHE eats!

Sam: SNXX...xxxxxx...eat? Did someone say eat?

S: No, you take this! *Smeegs throws a rock at Gollum's reflection* Haha!

Sam: You treacharous little toad!

Smeegs: Uh, uh-oh! Don't touch me, or I'll give you warts!

Sam: Ahh! Mr. Frodo!

Fro: Sam! Leave him alone! *Fro tackles Sam and then bodyslams him*

Sam: But I overheard him plotting! I heard it with my own eyes! That's me, ol' Faithful Sam Gamgee, never asleep on the job, I never close an eye!

S: No, you've got that wrong. Faithful ol' Sam never closeses his mouth.

Sam: Why you little...

Fro: SAM! *Fro sits on his head* Behave yourself! He is the only one who can lead us to a highly suspicious entrance into the land of Shadow where we may or may not be violently and gorily consumed by a vicious monster! Can't you see, Sam?

Sam: Mmf, mmm hmm mm!

Fro: I'm not sending him away.

Sam: Mmfmm, hmm HMM! HMM HMM!

Fro: We can't do this by ourselves, Sam. Not without a guide. I need you on my side.

Sam: Fmm mm hmm mmph!

Fro: I know, Sam. I know. Trust me.

S: I may be mistaken, but I think he's trying to say "Get off our headses", master.

Fro: Oh...right. Come on little Smeegly-Weegly, take master's hand, and we'll go for a walk!

*Fro walks away leading a reluctant SmeGollum by the hand. Sam gets up gingerly and rubs his head. As he is lead by him, SG turns and sticks out his tongue at Sam smarmily*

Sam: *does same* Pbllbloppppppbllpppttttt!!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

All-righty then. My JarJarolas post goes here, and the next scene is "Pippin and the Palantir". Dun dun dun!!!

[Meneltarmacil]

Admit it. You probably thought I was never going to post here ever again. Well, guess what? I am going to post here. And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it!

MU-WA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, seriously, on to ye olde poste.

MERRY: *wakes up* Where am I? How did I get this hangover? And why am I wearing a Darth Maul costume?

PIPPIN: (wearing a Luke Skywalker costume) You think YOU've got a hangover? I'm feeling so bad, I'm just going to klunk myself over the head with Gandalf's bowling ball and knock myself unconscious.

*steals Palantir*

PIPPIN: Hey! This isn't a bowling ball!

*The overused giant flaming eyeball of DOOM appears*

SAURON: You cannot hide. I see you.

PIPPIN: *stare*

SAURON: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

PIPPIN: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

SAURON: No. I AM YOUR FATHER!

PIPPIN: That's not true! That's impossible!

MERRY: What's going on?

PIPPIN: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo...

MERRY: Gandalf! He's lost it!

[Oddwen]

Menel! *wrings Menel's hand* So glad you're back. I don't know how much more -I'll get my post in next week.
Next week for sure.
Boy, that week went by fast, didn't it?
Liar. Slacker. Governmental Conspiritist.
Quiet, Adam! You'll give us away! - of that that I could take. ;) Methinks that Nilp has a Sméagol complex. Heh...now I can imagine him going around making a queer "Louis! Louis!" noise in his throat...hahaha.


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Merry: Gandalf! He's lost it!

*Cut to Jar-Jarolas and Darth Thorongil outside*

JJ: He is here. I can feel the presence of my old master. (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/204176)

DT: What? Your old WHAT???

JJ: No time for the blaming game, let's go inside!

*The twain burst upon the scene, hair a'flying, swords a'unsheathing, and manly looks shot a'everyone*

DT: Pippin, put that down! *He grabs the bowling ball. Unfortunately, his sweaty palms made contact and the electric shock sends him violently across the room*

JJ: Noooooooo!! Aragooooooooooooooooorn!

Gandy: Oooohhhhh noooooo noooot sloooo-mooooo agaiiiiin!

Merry: Stuuuuuuupid Auuuuthoreeeesssss!

*Suddenly, everything goes to regular speed and the shock sends everyone to the floor. Heh*

Gandy: Fool of a Took! What were you doing? *he covers the Bowlingballtír with his cloak*

Merry: Well, we were so hung over he thought that he could knock himself unconcious with a blow to the head but a dark figure appeared and spake vague paternal secrets in an inconceiveably cool accent. It was awesome man, you should have been there. Oh man, I'm outta pipeweed? DUDE!

Aragorn: Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!

Arwen: He needs elven medicine. We must get him to my father.

Gandy: Shut up, everyone. Arwen, you go away. Peregrin Took, wake up!

*Pippin lies flat on his back, staring with unseeing eyes at the ceiling*

G: Yoo-hoo, Pippin! *he waves his hand in front of his face* Hmmrrmm...I know what to do.

*And with that, Gandalf lifted Pippin and threw him out the window. Pippin immediately reappears back on the floor with a slightly more confused expression*

Legs: Tell me...why are you trying to wake him up? Life is so much better without him.

Gandy(whispering): Peregrin Took, if you do not get up this instant, I shall never allow you to smoke pipeweed again!

Pippin: AHHHH! Gandalf it was horrible, horrible! Darth Vader told me that he was my father, I fell into an abyss and then he turned me into a newt!

Gandy: A newt?

Pippin: I got better. At least until he started burning the trees...AND PLACED ME ON THE ALTAR OF SACRIFICE! THE TEMPLE OF MY FLESH BURNED WITH THE FERVOR OF THE ANCIENT HEATHEN KINGS! My hair blazed, and eyes glazed, my feet smell and skin cracked, my fat melted and bones blackened...and he kept singing this awful "Ha-harri-hoy!" song...

Legs: Ai Elbereth...how horrible!

Pip: No, that's what usually happens when I'm hung over. Well, actually that's what happens when I'm drunk. When I'm hung over, I'm stuck with this orange parka over my face, I can't talk and people keep calling me "Kenny".

Gandy: What did you tell him about Frodo and the Ring?

Pip: I told him...everything.

:eek: *shock* :eek:

*later*

Pip: BWAW-HAW-HAW! You should have seen the look on your face, Gandalf! HAW-HAW-HAW-ow! You hit me!

Gandalf: There were lies in Pippin's eyes. I read his mind. Legolas, do you remember that fiasco at Parth Galen? Peregrin is the thief of your shampoo.

Legolas: RRRRRRAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Merry: Gee Gandalf, you really hit a guy below the belt.

Pippin: And to a hobbit, that's very hard to do.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

That's all for tonight. I've given the next person a reason for Gandalf to take Pippin to Gondor...and the next scene is Gandalf's *hinthintGondorhintMinasTirithwarhintcoughAragornK inghint* speech, and Pip sets off to the White City.

[Meneltarmacil]

I'll do the scene immediately after Gandalf's speech, where he and Pippin leave Edoras.

*Menel flings a large block labeled "2000 TONS" at Nilpaurion Felagund*

[Oddwen]

"I want to be the one to kill Théoden. " ~Nilp

If it fits, may I have the moment that Theo draws his last breath?

[Boromir88]

Elrond giving Anduril to Aragorn.

Elrond- I come to give you news. Arwen is dying, her strength begins to wain. Sauron is secretly sending a fleet of Corsair ships, they will be in the city in two days. You're outnumbered Aragorn you need more men.
Aragorn- Well what about the Men from Dol Amroth, or the men from Lossarnach, Morthond, or Lebennin?
Mr. Jackson- CUT! Aragorn, you're line is "There are none." ACTION!
Aragorn-There are none.
Elrond-There are those who dwell in the mountains.
Aragorn-You will trust a bunch of cut throats, traitors, they answer to no one.
Elrond-They will answer to the King of Gondor. (unsheathes Anduril)
Aragorn-About time you give me my sword.
Elrond- Anduril, flame of the west forged, by the shards of Narsil. The man who carries this sword can summon him an army more deadly then what walks this earth.
Aragorn-I know that.
Elrond-You must put aside the ranger in you.
Aragorn-I know that.
Elrond- Become who you were born to be.
Aragorn-I KNOW THAT! Jeez, where is Elladan and Elrohir? I wish they were here.
Mr. Jackson- CUT! (whispers in Elrond's ear) ACTION!
Elrond-It just so happens they are deadly sick too.

George Foreman Grill

Frodo-I'm hungry Sam, what food do we got left?
Sam-(unpacks cooler) we got some steak, chicken, a couple turkeys....
Frodo-Well that's no good Sam, we don't have anything to cook it with.
Sam-I beg your pardon Mr. Frodo, I just so happened to bring my George Foreman Grill with me.
Frodo-Sam you're a genius! But, we don't have an outlet.
Sam-It's battery powered, and before you say anything I brought extra batteries.
Frodo-Sam you're a genius!
Sam-I did go to Harvard you know.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Hey, Boromir88, welcome to New Movie Script! :) A great post you made!

Oddie, how about we both do the scenes? I just want to bring the story o the pizza-crazed mother of Freda and Éothain to conclusion.

*catches Menel's 2000-ton rock, throws it back at him*

I'll do the next one, up to Menel's part. Friday at the latest.

Here we go again . . . :rolleyes:

No, really this time. Friday.

[Oddwen]

That'll work Nilp, you cut him into eight equal slices or whatever, I've just got an idea to "send him off". http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/ruinkai/FIREdevil.gif
And b88, I loved that Sam bit. :D

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I finally did something on time!

Anywhen, I noticed that the pages have somewhat . . . shifted. I tried to look for the problem, and I saw Meela's Council of Elrond post replaced with this:

To be re-added at a date. (Meela)
Ummm . . . we'll be waiting for that. :)

With all introductions done, I present my post:
__________________

Gandalf (to Aragorn and Théoden): The fool of a Took won’t talk. I need to call . . . an old friend.

Patrick Stewart appears, riding a wheelchair.

Patrick Stewart: Hello, old friend.

Gandalf: Yeah, yeah. Just read his mind and then get back to shooting X-Men 3.

Mr. Stewart holds Pippin’s head, then concentrates.

Patrick Stewart: There is . . . nothing!

Legolas: You owe me twenty, Gimli.

Patrick Stewart: Wait, there’s something.

Gimli: Nope. You owe me fifty.

Patrick Stewart: I see . . . a child. My son with Arwen!

Arwen (offstage): Hey! That’s my line!

Aragorn: :mad: Do we really need him? Let’s just feed him to the Nazgûl and go.

Patrick Stewart: No, wait. I see . . . Sauron’s plans.

Gandalf: How do you know?

Patrick Stewart: It’s on the title bar. Duh?

Aragorn: What does it say?

Patrick Stewart:
Sauron's Plans

Destroy Minas Tirith.
Send black ships to do something.
Give Isildur’s Heir a bath.


Yup, That’s it,

Aragorn: Merciful Menel!

Meneltarmacil: *snork*

Gandalf (to Mr. Stewart): OK, that’s it. Go back to taping X-Men 3 or something. (to Aragorn and Théoden) Now we know the totality of Sauron’s plans. If Minas Tirith falls the Valar’ll have me scrubbing toilets the rest of my life. If the beacons of Rohan are lit, Rohan must be ready for war

Théoden: Tell me, why should we ride to the aid of those who did not come to ours? What do we owe Gondor?

Gandalf: If you don’t go I’ll scrub the toilets with your face.

Aragorn: Théoden is too chicken. I will go.

Gandalf: No.

Aragorn: They must be warned.

Gandalf: They will be. (quietly to Aragorn) You must come to Minas Tirith by another road. Follow the River. Look to the black ships.

Aragorn: But it’s near the water. I’m afraid of the water.

Gandalf (ignoring Aragorn): Understand this, things are now in motion that cannot be undone . . .

Gimli: Here we go again . . . *takes out plastic bag full of earplugs, takes a pair, then hands the bag to the others*
__________________

I just realised we wove in the Star Wars theme quite nicely into the script, and I hope that another theme will do the same. :)

Tchüss!

[Boromir88]

ty NP and Oddwen.

Council of Elrond

Elrond: Welcome Frodo. Let me introduce you to the other members, starting from left to right. You already know Gandalf, then there's Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir.

Boromir: I'm just here for the refreshments.

Frodo: Who are all these other people?

Elrond: Oh they are just random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, from various places of Middle-Earth.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod head in approval.]

Elrond: Strangers from distant lands. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the ring Frodo.

[Frodo sets Ring on stone pedestal. Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod head in approval.]

Boromir: Ooooh, give me the Ring. I want it.

Gandalf: Sit Boromir!

[Boromir sits.]

Elrond: You only have one chance...The ring must be destroyed.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Gimli: Then what are we waiting for!

[Gimli spins into a kung fu leap and tries to chop the Ring in half with his axe. But fails and falls on his butt.]

Elrond: What are you stupid! Dwarves of all people should know you can't chop a piece of gold in half!

Boromir: Let's get some refresments...and continue this crap later.

Elrond: The Ring must be destroyed! It must be taken...

[Aragorn cuts Elrond off.]

Aragorn: Ya, ya, before you go into one of your monologues, we get it, the ring must be destroyed.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Boromir: Ok! How about we do this! Give me the ring! And let's get them refreshments!

Gandalf: Don't make me get the whip Boromir.

[Boromirs sits]

Legolas: Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said! The Ring must be destroyed!

Aragorn: Thank you Captain obvious.

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of the Elf.

Boromir: Give me the Ring! Problem solved!

Gandalf: Sit Boromir!

[Boromir sits]

Frodo: I will take it....I will take it.... I WILL TAKE IT!

Elrond: Didn't have to say it three times you know.

Frodo: I WILL TAKE IT!

Elrond: Ok take it.

Boromir: But you won't give it to me?

Gandalf: Boromir sit! Don't make me tell you again. I'll make you my punching bag like I did to your father.

[Boromir sits. Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Stay tuned for the forming of the fellowship, coming soon.

[Oddwen]

Hehe, I loved how you did Boromir b88! And
[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.] is just hilarious. :D

And Nilp -
Tchüss! Bless you. ;)

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Scene: The forests of...who knows where. I'll just call them "Whatsumfoozits".
Scene: The forests of Whatsumfoozits. Arwen and her grumpy company are travelling for the Grey Havens.
Suddenly, the company is attacked by rock-throwing hobbits (http://www.councilofelrond.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=My_eGallery&file=index&do=showpic&pid=1821&orderby=titleA). The elves flee the vicinity of the Shire and come unto the forests of...Blartzinoff.

Elrond v.o.: Have you ever just stood and stared at it? Marvelled at its beauty, its genius? Billions of people, living out their lives, oblivious.

*Half the elves are freaked out. The horses are restless*

Ev.o.: Take her by the safest road. Don't go near the Shire, or I'll sit you down and make you watch me move my eyebrows.
A ship lies at the Grey Havens. You will recognize the ship, as it is Grey. Do not go near the Blue Havens or the Fuscia Havens. The Grey ship will carry her home, across so wide a sea. The last ride of Arwen Undómiel.
Oh yeah, watch out for strange children in the woods of Blartzinoff. They are known to eat anyone who wanders off the path.


*Suddenly, Arwen sees a vision! An extremely chubby boy runs across her path. Her horse screams and throws her. From her vantage point among the bracken, she sees the child leap into the arms of a grizzled, smelly man. Arwen suddenly recognizes her beau, Aragorn. The child turns to her and meets her gaze with eyes that were as blue as limpid pools of moonlight. But Arwen sees something else..."

Arwen: You stole my necklace! You STOLE it you little brat! Give it BAAACK!

Figwit*restraining her*: No, my lady! Don't do it!

Arwen: Oh, no! I understand! You're Aragorn...when he was a little boy! No doubt Sauron got wind of his heritage and somehow aged him backwards! My poor, poor shmoopie!

Child: *growl snap*

Arwen: Oh, you poor little darling...

Child: Have you ever just stood and stared at it?

Arwen: Wait a minute, I'm on my way to the Grey...Havens...DAAAAADYYYYYYYY!!

*She leaps back up onto the horse, and rides back to Rivendell so fast that the shockwave blasts her entourage far into the forest! They wander all night, but never see the light of day again. The cannibal children, however, eat very well the next morning*

Scene: Elrond is in the gazebo, eating h'ors d'ouvres and prime rib roast.

Arwen: Tell me what you have seen!

Elrond: Yes, I will tell you what I have seen. I saw it when I stood and stared at it, marvelling at its beauty, its genius...

A: No! What did you see in the future about me?!?

E: I looked into the menu of your life and death was your dessert.

A: But you've forgotten the main course. You saw an all-you-can-eat buffet! You saw my son!

E: That buffet is almost depleted.

A: Well, if you hadn't let the hobbits stay here for so long...but anyway, there's still enough for a meal.

E: What were we talking about?

A: Ada, it is time. Reforge the sword of the King.

Fr0m teh ash3s a f|r3 sh4ll b w0kenxors
A l|te fr0m teh shad0w$ sh4ll spr|ng
R3n3w3d sh4ll b blad taht was br0kenxors
Teh crownl3ss aga|n sh4ll b king!!!11!!!!eleventy-one!!! lol!!1!!

E: What are you reading there?

A: I don't know, it's marked "My Diarie"...

E: NOOOOO! *he slaps it from her hand* Hey, your hands are cold. Put some socks on.

A: This was my choice, Ada. Wether you will or nil, there is no ship that would bear me hence.

E: Why?

A*grin*: I knocked holes in all the boats.

E: NOOOOOOOOOOooooo.....

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Und de next scene wuldt be Gundulf and Pippun rrrrreaching de White Tuwur, bork bork!

[Boromir88]

I'll have to wait a little bit, to rep you up for that one oddwen :) . The return of Figwit! But, I must say, I always that Arwen's horse boy was Glorfindel, and PJ was just trying to give us a slap in the face :p

[Boromir88]

The crapiest job on Middle-earth.
(On top of a random mountain)
Beacon man #1: So what do you want to do?
Beacon man #2: I don't know what do you want to do?
Beacon man #1: Do you want to light the pile of wood?
Beacon man #2: We can't do that without the signal.
Beacon man #1: Do you want to sleep again?
Beacon man #2: That's all we ever do.
Beacon man #1: How did we get stuck with this job anyway?
Beacon man #2: I can't remember it was 16 years ago...or maybe 17.

Rohan.
(Aragorn busts through the door).
Aragorn: The beacons of Minas Tirith! The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!
Theoden: Tell me, why should we go to the aid of those who did not come to ours? What do we owe Gondor?
Aragorn: Please?
Theoden: No.
Aragorn: Pretty please?
Theoden: No.
Aragorn: Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
Theoden: (perky) Muster the Rohirrim!

[Meneltarmacil]

(Meduseld)

GANDALF: I ride for Minas Tirith. And I won't be going alone.

*Gandalf walks to the stables. Merry and Pippin trail behind him.*

GANDALF: Of all the inquisitive hobbits, Peregrin Took. You are the worst! All those times I thought it was Legolas who was stealing my shampoo...

PIPPIN: Where are we going?

GANDALF: To a giant battle where you'll probably die a horrible death.

MERRY: Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?

PIPPIN: I don't know. I can't help it.

MERRY: Maybe you should see a shrink.

PIPPIN: I'm sorry, all right? I won't do it again. *fingers crossed*

MERRY: Don't you understand? The enemy thinks he's your father. You must face Darth Vader agai... oops, wrong movie.

PIPPIN: You're coming with me, right? I mean, being alone with Gandalf all the time is kind of scary.

MERRY: Are you serious? You'll eat all of my mushrooms!

PIPPIN: Merry?

MERRY: Come on!

*Gandalf puts Pippin up on Shadowfax, who tosses him off. Pippin reappears on Shadowfax with a confused expression on his face. The horse sighs.*

PIPPIN: How far is Minas Tirith?

GANDALF: Three day's ride, as the Nazgul flies. And we'd better hope we don't have one of those on our tail. Or our head, for that matter. In fact, there are worse things than that where we're going. Actually, *blahblahblahblah*

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

*Gandalf mounts Shadowfax.*

MERRY: Here, something for the road.

*hands Pippin the pipeweed*

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....

MERRY: I know you've run out. You smoke too much, Pip.

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZ*SNORK* What?

MERRY: Never mind. Just get out of here already.

GANDALF: Run Shadowfax. Show us the meaning of haste. Run like the wind, my noble steed! Fly! Fly! Fly!

SHADOWFAX: Shut up.

GANDALF: *grump* Okay, just run already.

PIPPIN: *examines pipeweed pack, noticing that all it contains are pencil shavings* MERRY! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALL OF MY PIPEWEED?!!!!!!!!

MERRY: *laughs*

*They ride out of the stables. Merry runs up the steps to the watchtower on the fence, hitting some random guard in the stomach*

RANDOM GUARD: OUCH! Hey, watch were you're going! Sheesh, kids these days...

ARAGORN: Merry! *runs into random guard at full speed, knocking him down and trampling him underfoot*

RANDOM GUARD: Aaaaaaaaaargh!!! *falls down steps* *klunk klunk klunk klunk THUD*

*They see Shadowfax running across the plains. The horse trips over a rock and falls over. Gandalf and Pippin are knocked on their faces. Gandalf kicks Shadowfax and yells some very bad words. The horse gets up and takes off at full speed. Gandalf chases him screaming bloody murder.*

ARAGORN: This'll be a long trip.

RANDOM GUARD: Is there a doctor in the house?

[Boromir88]

Good one Menel, I felt bad for that Rohan Guard too :p .

Behind the Scenes

Witch-King: So, Peter do I get to awak the Barrow-wright, that captures the hobbits?
PJ: Were not putting that in the movie.
Witch-King: Do I get to break the Gates of Minas Tirith?
PJ: No, were having Grond do that.
Witch-King: Atleast let me command the armies of Mordor.
PJ: Nope, we are having Gothmog do that. To build up his character when Aragorn decapitates him.
Witch-King: Well what do I do?
PJ: You get this cool fell beast thingy and you get to die.

[Oddwen]

Menel, I don't feel sorry for that Rohirrim guard at all. He got exactly what he deserved, the sneak. :p

Hey, y'know? This scene was never really done. Thus, therefore, ergo...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Scene: Edoras, more namely the golden hall of Meduseld. Do not look for welcome here, as*coughburarum*

Eowyn: Wahh! Theodred, you were too young, too young! WAHH!

Grima: Oh, he must have been kill...DIED sometime in the, um, night. Speaking of marriage...

Eowyn*sniff*: We weren't speaking of it. *sob*

Grima: Oh, right...um. Too bad about your cousin being poisoned, I mean HEWN by Orcs. It must be hard, especially since your brother was banished...errrrr, has deserted you.

Eowyn: Leave me alone you handsome...I mean, you snake!

Grima: But you are alone. Who knows what you've spoken to the dark watches of the night, when the walls of your bower seem to close in about you; a hutch to trammel some wild thing in. How 'bout it, baby? Will you be my wild thing?

Eowyn: Your word are tempting...I mean POISON! *she flees*

Grima: Was it something I said?

*Eowyn flees the hall and gazes upon the last flying Rohirrim banner. At that moment, the wind chooses to rip it from its pole and send it fluttering beyond the wall. To Eowyn's consternation, it does the same to her outer dress. She flees screaming back into the hall*

*At that moment, strange visitors ride to Edoras. The man in the rear pauses to watch a banner flutter out of the sky and lay on the ground twitching like a dying frog. So distracted, he gets a dress in the face*

Aragorn: Hmm-mm! http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/realhappy/nuts.gif

*The visitors enter the city and ride towards Meduseld. The old man seems confident, the elf and dwarf are wondering about the state of affairs, and the man in the rear keeps peering around as if looking for someone*

Gimli: You'll find more cheer in a graveyard.

Leggy: And dead people.

Gandy: Thank you, Captain Obvious. :rolleyes:

Leggy: And tombstones.

Gandy: Thank you, but I'm sure that we all...

Leggy: And ghosts. And coffins. And mausoleums. And Barrow-downers cracking jokes. But not pizza!

Gandy: Yes yes, we all knew...what?

Aragorn: Let me know if you guys see a lady running around in her underwear, will ya?

Gandy*muttering*: I'm travelling in the company of loonies...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

I guess that fits waaaay back on page three, somewhere in Theoric Windcaller's post.

[The Elf-warrior]

------------------------------------------

*Gandalf catches up with Shadowfax, mounts him, turns around and picks up Pippin.

Gandalf: Now Shadowfax, let's start this off right. Hi yo, Shadowfax, away! Oh, and show us the meaning of haste.

*Shadowfax starts galloping and the William Tell overture starts playing then shifts to the Rohan theme and changes to the Gondor theme as Shadowfax crosses a boggy stream.

Gandalf: We've just arrived in Gondor. And you'll see Minas Tirith just over the hill.

*Minas Tirith cames into view then Shadowfax clatters along the stone streets of Minas Tirith. They dismount in view of the White Tree and walk up to the royal hall.

Gandalf: Listen Peregrin Took, Denethor is not like Theoden. He is a stern man of great sutilty although he is not a King, only a Steward who would not be amused by Hobbit pertness.

Pippin: What are you talking about?

Gandalf: The line of Kings was broken when...

Pippin: I mean what you said about Hobbit pertness.

Gandalf: (Slaps his hand on his brow.) Oh, Fool of a Took! What about right now, you interrupting me! That's just plain impertenance. Or what about both of your all's conduct when we arrived at Isengard? "The big cheese." indeed! Or, "Yo lords, welcome to Ishengard." That goes beyond pertness. You both could have tried to keep a little composure even while drunk. I was talking about the Hobbit tendency to never be serious about anything. Listen, no drinking booze in Minas Tirith, do you understand, young Peregrin!

Pippin: (Sullenly.) Yes sir.

*They pause at the door.

Gandalf: And no Hobbit pertness, do you really understand?

Pippin: Yes sir.

Gandalf: Keep your mouth shut as much as possible when we talk to Denethor, and say nothing about Frodo and the Ring, Boromir and Aragorn.

Pippin: (Sullenly.) All right. I mean yes sir! What's wrong with Boromir and Strider?

Gandalf: Aragorn is the heir to the throne of Gondor! And it is most unwise to break the news of his favorite son and heir's death to a man as mentally unstable as Denethor. To tell him that a man is coming who will supplant his position would be unwise too.

Pippin: Wow, Aragorn is going to be king?

Gandalf: Have you been keeping your head completely in the sand? Be on your best behavior!

Pippin: Yes sir.

Gandalf: And get rid of the bad attitude. The only reason you're here is because you looked in the palantir. And that's another reason to keep you away from booze. You wanted to knock yourself out with it thinking it was a bowling ball because your hangover was so bad.

*Pippin looks at Gandalf sheepishly.

Pippin: Yes Gandalf. I will.

Gandalf: That's better.
-----------------------------------------------

The next scene is with Denethor in the royal hall of Minas Tirith.

[Meneltarmacil]

I will not be posting here again until at least December 30th since I am leaving on a ski trip, just to let you know. So please don't dump boiling oil on me for not posting.

I believe Meela would be best at doing the next scene, but if someone else wants to take it, feel free.

[Meela]

I was waiting until the Denethor scenes turned up, so I'm happy to have a go. I'll see what I can dig up, but I'll leave it open for anyone else.

[Boromir88]

9:15 am- 9:35 am: Treebeard: Welcome to the Entmoot.

9:35 am- 10:10 am: Ent: Hi Treebeard.

10:10 am- 11:40 am: Treebeard: Hi Oaky! Glad you could make it.

11:40 am- 12:35 pm: Ent #2: What's on the agenda today?

12:35 pm- 2:30 pm: Treebeard: First is the welcome, which we just did. Then umm breakfast will be served, but it looks like we already missed breakfast so we'll just go to lunch....

2:30 pm- 2:50 pm: Ent #3: Who are they? :points to hobbits:

2:50 pm- 3:15 pm: Treebeard: They are hobbits.

3:15 pm- 4:20 pm: Ent #3: Hobbits? Never heard of a hobbit before, they look like orcs.

4:20 pm- 5:15 pm: Treebeard: They dig holes, and Gandalf says they aren't orcs.

5:15 pm- 7:00 pm: (all Ents say they agree)

[Oddwen]

Okay Menel, we'll dump boiling oil on you FOR posting. Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa-ahem ahem *cough*

Anyway. This shouldn't mess with Meela's post, if she decides she wants to do honor to her Denny-Poo in this here thread.

_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_
*Scene: The White Highly-Accentuated-With-Black-Accesories City, more namely the Citadel of the Steward. Gandalf and Pippin approach the throne of the King*

Gandalf: The hospitality of your halls has sommat lessened of late, Denethor Steward!

Denny: Why...should I welcome you...Gandalf Stormcrow?

Imrahil: A just question, my leige. Late is the hour when the Grey Wanderer...

Gandalf: Wait a minute...this is all familiar...too familiar. Begone, foul Dwimmerlaik! Or Gandalf will not slay thee in thy turn! He will get you in a half-nelson and give you noogies until your brain lies open to the lidless eye...

Pippin: Eew!

Gandalf: ...and then he will get some termite larvae and...

Pippin: Gandalf, please, enough!

Gandy: Very well. How long has it been since Sauron bought you? What was the promised price? That you would pick your share of the treasure, and take the woman you desire?

Imrahil: What woman? We only have women in the first two circles of the city, in case we're attacked and don't want to risk expensive armor.

Gandy: Bah! Humbug! Get thee gone!

*And Imrahil fled the hall, and was never seen in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings again*

Gandy: Now, on to business...

_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_

Definitely a wierd post. No question about that.

[Oddwen]

...so Meela can write it...lalala...


^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^

Scene: Outside of the citadel, Gandalf storms out with Pippin in tow.

Gandalf: All has turned to vain ambition. He would even use his grief as a cloak. *grumblegrumble* A thousand years this city has stood. Now, at the whim of a madman, it will fall. And the White Tree, the tree of me...I mean the king, will never bloom again. It's a very temperamental tree, and will only bloom if fed the finest plant food. Needless to say, Denethor is a cheapskate who wouldn't buy plant food for his own mother. I remember, I needed to borrow three silver pennies for tolls...

Pippin: Why are those *teehee* men with the *teehee* silly helmets guarding it then? *teehee*

Gandalf: They guard it because they still have hope. Plus there's a depression, and jobs are hard to come by.
Yes, a faint and fading hope is still there that one day, the Tree will flower. That a king will come and this city will be as it once was, and they will get a raise and new uniforms.
The old wisdom borne...

Pippin: Jason Bourne? He's cool.

Gandalf: ... ... ... no. The old wisdom borne out of the West was forsaken. King made tombs more splendid than the houses of the living, and counted the old names of their descent dearer than the names of their puppy dogs.
Childess lords sat in aged halls, musing on heraldry or in high, cold towers, asking questions of Encaitare.

Pippin: Who?

Gandalf: And so the people of Gondor fell into ruin. The line of kings failed. The White Tree was malnourished. The rule of Gondor was given over to *cough* lesser, weaker, stupider, not-me men.

Pippin: Oh look. Over. There. Mordor.

Gandalf: Yes, there it lies. Why they built Gondor so close I'll never know...

Pippin: Perhaps it's because Minas Tirith was built along with Minas Ithil to be a watchtower in case of the return of Sauron.

Gandalf: What? Who told you that?

Pippin: I believe YOU did.

Gandalf: Duhhhhh....oh yes. Glad to see you were paying attention, and not sleeping like I thought you were...*harrrrumph*

Pippin: Oh yes, I thought your discourse on femenine undergarments was very informative. HAHAHAHAHAEHHEHEEEEHEEEEHAHAAAAHAAAAAAA!! A CORSET! You are tooooo much, Gandy old man! HAHAHAAAAAA!

Gandalf: Drat.

Pippin*still wiping away tears*: Hoohoohaahaaa...hey look, a storm is coming...heehee...

Gandalf: This is not the weather of the world. It's a device of Sauron's making...oh forget it! I HATE HOBBITS! *he storms off*

Pippin: A corset..heehee...

^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^

Next scene would be the Crossroads. Here (http://www.councilofelrond.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Subjects&file=index&req=viewpage&pageid=105) is the RotK EE script.

[Meela]

Gandalf and Pippin enter the hall.

Guard #1: Feet!

Gandalf and Pippin wipe their feet and walk forward.

Guard #2: Wait, body search.

Gandalf: Is it necessary? We’re here to stop the impending destruction of all mankind, not gossip over tea and cake.

Guard #2: We had some nutter in here the other day raving about death, doom, and a lack of toilet paper. We’re taking no chances.

Gandalf: I think you’ll find that was your Steward.

Guard: Oh…well, you’re clear. Approach him with caution and make no sudden movements.

Gandalf and Pippin tiptoe towards the far end of the room. Gandalf coughs loudly, adding some after-effects spluttering, and bangs his staff on the floor.

Gandalf: Hail Denethor, son of Ecthelion, Lord and Steward of Gondor, High Warden of the Crooked Mountain, and recent Official Juror of the Crackpot Committee. I come with tidings in this dark hour, and with complimentary cookies from Rohan, which are supposed to put some sense into your head. I’ll leave you a few thousand.

Denethor: Perhaps you come to explain this. Perhaps you come to tell me why my son is dead.

Denethor holds up a cloven purple teddy bear. Gandalf swiftly turns his snort of laughter into a bad cough. Denethor Glares Suspiciously™.

Denethor: Oh, uh… *snatches back the bear and holds up the cloven horn*

Gandalf scratches his head and looks away.

Gandalf: Uh, nope… no idea. We’re completely in the dark, aren’t we Pippin? *nudges Pippin*

Pippin: But you said he was dead. You said he was as loony as his dad and deserved everything he got- *whack* ow!

Pippin kneels before Denethor.

Pippin: You’ve got to help me, see how he treats me! Pleeeeaaase let me work for you. I’ll wash cutlery, I’ll cook, I’d gladly be a food taster… I’ll be in charge of your toilet paper supplies…

Denethor perks up.

Pippin: Pleeeaase, I’ll do anything!

Denethor: I wouldn’t mind having an amusing, pocket-sized court jester. Jason, you’re out of a job.

Jason the Court Jester gloomily packs away his hand puppets and leaves.

Gandalf: Get up, Pippin! *mutters* I’ll deal with you later… My Lord, there will be a time to grieve for Boromir-

Denethor: Who? *gleefully pokes Pippin with his staff* Look at him dance!

Gandalf: The enemy is on your doorstep! As steward, you are charged with the defense of this city! Where are Gondor's armies?

Denethor: Gone off to Osgiliath, I s’pose. They all love Faramir so much… and something about a chess tournament…

Gandalf: You still have… some friends. One or two.

Pippin: And me!

Gandalf: I was counting you in there. C’mon Denny… pal…you’re not alone in this fight. Send word to Théoden of Rohan. Light those candle thingies. Someone’s bound to see them.

Denethor: *snarl* You think you are wise, Mithrandir, yet you don’t even know that white went out of fashion six months ago. Do you think the eyes of the White Tower are blind? I know who rides with Théoden of Rohan. Word has reached my ears of this Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and I tell you now I will not bow to this Ranger from the North, one who refuses to bathe.

Gandalf: Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king, Steward, no matter how smelly he may be.

Denethor: *standing* No, it may not be so. But I can push my chair down that hall and bar the door with it!

Denethor sits. Gandalf pulls a rude face at his bowed head, then turns and walks away.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Denethor: *standing* No, it may not be so. But I can push my chair down that hall and bar the door with it!

Worth all the wait. :D

I'll do the next scene. The one in Minas Morgul, ja?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Frodo, Sam and Gollum pull themselves up over the edge of the causeway and see Minas Morgul. It glows green in the darkness.

Gollum: The dead city. Very nasty place. Full of . . .

Sam: Dead?

Gollum: No! Don’t be a Legolasss! It’s full of politicians.

Sam: Must be that old Senate chamber Gandalf told us about. Don’t you agree, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: The motion is quashed! Senate Bill 3019 . . .

Gollum: Don’t be silly, master, imitating politicians. Let’s go!

Gollum approaches the City, followed by Frodo and Sam.

Gollum: Quick, quick, they will see! They will see!

Sam: This close . . . ya think?

Gollum leads them to the cliff-face on the North side of the Morgul vale.

Gollum: Come away! Come away! Look! We have found it. The way into Mordor. The secret stair. Climb.

Sam: It’s not that secret.

They look up to see an impossibly steep stair carved into the cliff face.

Sam: It’s just that nobody would be stupid enough to go that way.

Frodo turns back to the city. He stumbles toward it, past a pair of Silent Watchers and down the causeway toward the city.

Sam: No! Mister Frodo! If this way’s stupid, then that way’s for Pippin!

Pippin (from far away): HEY!!!

Gollum: Not that way!

Sam and Gollum scramble to catch Frodo.

Gollum: What's it doing?

Sam: No! He’s trying to pass new tax cuts!

Sam and Gollum begin to pull him back toward the stair.

Frodo: They're calling me.

Gollum: No! No more tax cuts! Sauron thrives on budget deficits!

Just as they reach the stairs, a great flare goes up from Minas Morgul.

Flash to Gandalf and Pippin and then to a group of Gondorian soldiers surprised by the flare.

Gondor Gary: If that ain’t a presage of impending doom, I don’t know what that is.

Pippin: I dunno . . . someone farted?

Gollum: Hide! Hide!

Gollum and the hobbits hide on the stair.

The Witch King on his fell beast flies up and perches above the city gate. The Witch King gives a long, piercing shriek. Frodo groans.

Frodo: I can feel his blade cutting off my pork barrel!

The fell beast bellows and the gates open. The Orc army marches out, followed by hordes of Faramir fangirls.

Gandalf: We come to it at last. The great drool-fest of our time.

In Minas Morgul the army marches over the causeway and past the hobbits. The stair hides the hobbits from their view. But as the fangirls walk past the hobbits’ position, they suddenly stop.

Faramir_is_a_hottie: *sniff sniff*

Faramir4evr: What is it? What do you smell?

Faramir_is_a_hottie: Puppy dog eyes.

Faramir4evr: But nobody’s hotter than Faramir!

All the fangirls: *SCREEECH!!!*

As they march on, the Witch King shrieks and flies over the causeway toward the mouth of the vale.

Gollum: Come away hobbits. We climb, we must climb!

Gandalf: The board is set. The pieces are moving.

Pippin: I wanna be the bishop.

Gandalf: :rolleyes: I better make sure Denethor doesn’t send his son to fight. He’ll be mauled.

[Oddwen]

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Scene: The unholy trinity are walking in a dense brushwood.

Sam: It must be getting near teatime. Please be near teatime...

Fro: Sam, we don't have any tea.

Sam: Well, it would be near teatime, if we were in decent places.

Gollum: Silly hobbit! We're not in decent places. Sméagol doesn't even have decent underwearses.

*Suddenly, Frodo stops in his tracks*

Sam: Mr. Frodo? What is it?

Fro: I'm hopelessly traveling to Mordor with a short, fat hairy man and a frog who doesn't wear underwear to destroy a small metal bauble. It's just a feeling, but I don't think I'll be coming back.

Sam: Don't be ridiculous! That's just morbid thinking, and won't do you any good at all. We'll be there and back again, just like old Mr. Bilbo. Did you like how I inserted a book reference into my speech just there, Mr. Frodo? I could do it again. Short cuts make long delays, but Mordor makes longer ones! Forgive the paraphrasing there, but I thought a bit of brevity might lighten the mood a tad...

Statue: Shut up!

Sam: Whoa! A talking statue!

Fro: Yeah. Wow. *he hides his "Learn Ventriloquism in Five Easy Steps!" book*

*The statue is not a pretty thing anymore. Where once a grand head stood, now stood a football emblazoned with the words "Go REd sOx"*

Fro: I think these lands were once part of the Kingdom of Gondor. Long ago when there was a king.

Sam: Really? Where did you learn that?

Fro: Oh, for fun I listened once to one of Gandalf's long discourses. Heehee...garter belts...

Sam: Hey, look! The original head of the statue! It must be a priceless relic. I wonder if we could carry it...

Fro: No!

Sam: But it would fetch such a price...

Fro: No!

Sam: *grump*

Statue Head: Hey, look! I've got a crown again!

Sam: Whoa! The head talks too!

Fro*staring*: Wow. Yeah.

Sam: They cannot conquer for ever.

Fro: Hey, that wasn't in the script.

Sam: I KNOW. (:mad: PJ!)

Gollum: COME ON HOBBITS! It's this way, there's a clear path, COME ON!!!! *grumble* Do I have to drag you two? I thought you were in some sort of a hurry or something...*muttermutter*

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

The next scene would be Pippin and Gandalf discussing "The Deep Breath Before The Plunge", Pippin being sent to light the beacons, and the beginning of the battle in Osgiliath.

[Oddwen]

...Oddwen enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarassed at the sight of Nilp in a towel, she regains her composure and says -

"I think I saw a post back thee-eere!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

(Scene: Gondor, again it seems. Gandalf and Pippin are in their quarters, Pippin examining his new garb of the Citadel and Gandy smokin' on the porch.)

Pippin: So, this is just a costume, they don't actually expect me to wear this do they?

Gandy: You are in the service of the Steward now, Peregrin Took. You're going to have to do as you're told. *hack hack hack*

Pippin: Wait just a minute here Istari. You mean to tell me that I'm going to have to do some actual character interaction here? Serious stuff? It won't just be comic relief and moral support anymore?

Gandy *in a scratchy voice*: Ridiculous hobbit. Guard of the *hackhackhacck ptui!* Citadel.

Pippin: Riiiiight. And I'm going to have to wear this clown suit while doing it. That's perfect. *he pours a glass of water and comes to stand by Gandalf*

Gandy: *hack hack hack cough* Yes *haaaaooorrrrkkkkk coff coff hack* Oh, thank you Pip-*hack hack* *he reaches for the glass*

Pip(draining the glass): It's so quiet.

(Gandy glares through bleary eyes at the hobbit before leaning over the edge of the parapet and hacking up a hairball)

Gandy: It's the deep breath before the plunge, to use an obscure diving quote that you probably won't understand, you small-minded hole-digging sandy-haired dirt-grubbing gopher.

Pippin: I don't want to be in a battle, but waiiiting on the eeeedge of one I caaaan't escaaape is even worse. Is there any hope, Gandalf? For Frodo and Sam?

Gandy: Who?

Pippin: I guess not.

Voice from Below: Oh, man! Who dropped a cat off the Seventh Level again??

Gandy: Our enemy is ready. His full strenth gathered. Not only Orcs, but Men as well. Legions of Haradrim from the South. Lawyers from corrupt courtrooms. Mercerenaries, pirates, from the coasts. And fangirls from the dredges of Angband itself. All will answer the call of Mordor. *ringring* Oh, excuse me, that's my cell phone. I thought I told you never to call me here! Nada! Zip! I'll call back! Where was I? This will be the end of Gondor as we know it, and I feel fine. Here the hammer-stroke will fall hardest. If the river is taken, if the garrison at Osgiliath falls, the last defense of this city will be gone.

Pippin: Oh dear.

Gandy: But we've got the White Wizard, and that counts for something. Right, Pippin?

Pippin*humming*: It's the end of Gondor as we know it, and I feel fine...dangit, now it's stuck in my head!

Gandy: That isn't the best part.

Pippin: Oh? You mean, Frodo and Sam manage to destroy the Ring, Aragorn gets crowned king and there's a huge FEAST in that field over there?

Gandy: Sauron has yet to reveal his deadliest servant. The one who will lead Mordor's armies in war. The one they say NO LIVING MAN can kill.

Pippin: You mean, some orc who looks like a pink marshmallow? HAHAHAHAHA-ow.

Gandy: The Witch-King of Angmar, you pointy-nosed fungus-eating garden-raiding son-of-a-possum.

Pip: Which king?

Gandy: Yes.

Pip: Which?

Gandy: Yes.

Pip: What king?

Gandy: No, Witch King.

Pip: Which what king?

Gandy: Witch. King.

Pip: *stare*

Gandy: You've met him before. He stabbed Frodo on Weathertop.

Pip: ...Aragorn?

Gandy: That was an ACCIDENT. I mean the Ringwraith, Ulari, Black Rider *seeing no comprehension* The scary big person on the big black horse? *still nothing* Who nearly killed you all *nothing* The one Merry threw the mushrooms at?

Pip: Ohhhhhhhh!! The Scary Big Person On The Big Black Horse! What about him?

Gandy: *faceslap*


-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Aaand, the next scene would be Pippin lighting the beacons.

[Oddwen]

Almost but not quite three months later, Oddwen re-enters the scene. Shocked and slightly chagrined by the empty hall she sees there, she let's out a "Halloooo! Halloooo? Echo! Echo!"


-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

(Scene: Gandalf and Pippin are striding with some purpose to an unnumbered circle of the White City.)

Pippin: *whine* Are we there yet?

Gandalf: Shut up. *whack* I have another task for you, Peregrin Took. Another chance for the Shirefolk to show their uses.

Pip: What, taking the Ring to Mordor isn't enough? Being a servant to that Demented Wierdo isn't enough? Singlehandedly...well, almost singlehandedly bringing down Isengard isn't enough? Even being fat isn't enough for you, you greedy grabber?

(They now stand at the foot of the beacon tower)

Gandy: *gestures upwards*

Pip: Now that was uncalled for!

*Gandy grabs Pippin and throws him nine feet up the tower*

Gandy*shaking his fist*: And don't come down until you've lit that beacon!

Pip: Denethor's not gonna like this!

Gandy: Get going, or you'll see Gandalf the White uncloaked!

Pip: Yipe! *scramble scramble*

(It took longer than this tale takes to tell, of course, but after hours of scrambling, climbing, scaling, near slips, and murderous thoughs of a wizard, Pippin reached the top of the tower. Before him was a pile of wood, a cauldron of oil above that, and a torch yet above that. Pulling something out of his pocket, he does what he set out to do...)

Gandy(from below): Fool of a Took! I said light the BEACON, not BACON!

(A light of recognition [however faint] dawns in Pip's eyes at last, and he sloshes the oil over the wood, and the fire on that and stands proudly. Until his foot-hair catches fire)

Pip: AIIEEEE! *leap*

(Two seconds later, after he plummets to his death, he appears back on top of the tower with a confused yet terrified look on his face, and then climbs hurriedly down)

Denethor(from a high cold tower, where he had been asking questions of the stars): Snarl!

Meanwhile...

Beacon guard 1(morosely): Got any 3's?

Beacon guard 2(equally so): Go fish.

(And as the two play on with their game of cards, suddenly a hairy form rushes out of the doorway behind them and crams treefrogs down their throats!)

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

And the next scene (if any care to do it) would be the continuation of the Beacon Lightings, Orcs arriving at Osgiliath, and Theoden setting out.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Sorry about the lynching, and the whole towel incident. I might volunteer for the next scene--although I can't promise that I'll post is within a foreseeable amount of time.

Great. That means World Cup 3002 will have come and gone before he thinks of what to post.

At least he told the truth. Isn't that enough?

[Meneltarmacil]

(Another nod to Monty Python)

*Faramir is talking to a large group of Gondorian soldiers*

FARAMIR: Make sure nobody crosses the river until I come back.

SOLDIER #1: Right. We're not to cross the river until you come back.

FARAMIR: No, make sure NOBODY ELSE crosses the river until I get back.

SOLDIER #2: So we're allowed to cross the river?

FARAMIR: No, you're supposed to stay here.

SOLDIER #1: Until you get back.

FARAMIR: Yes. And make sure nobody crosses the river. Got it?

SOLDIER #2: Right.

*Faramir turns to leave*

*The soldiers follow him*

FARAMIR: Where are you going?

SOLDIER #1: We're coming with you.

FARAMIR: NO! You're supposed to stay here and make sure nobody crosses the river!

SOLDIER #2: Oh, right.

*Faramir leaves to check on the rest of the men*

*Orcs start crossing the river*

GOTHMOG: Quiet.

*The soldiers see this, yet do absolutely nothing*

GOTHMOG: Draw swords.

*The soldiers still don't do anything*

*The orcs land*

SOLDIER #1: Hey! You're not supposed to-AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
*gets killed*

ORCS: RARRRRRGH!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Night comes and passes before the signal beacon reaches Rohan, where Aragorn sees it and runs into Meduseld.

Aragorn: The Beacons of Minas Tirith! The Beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!

Théoden remains silent. Éowyn stands beside her brother. Everyone waits for the King's answer.

Théoden: Uh, what?

All: *groan*

Aragorn: The Beacons? Y’know, the things built in case Gondor needs your help?

Théoden: What do they want now? Last time they lit the darned things, they were just asking for a cup of sugar!

Aragorn: I think they need more than a cup of sugar now.

Théoden: What?! Two cups?

Aragorn: :rolleyes:

Théoden: What did I tell you about rolling eyes in my . . .

Éomer: The Sound FX man is making hoof beats. Someone’s coming!

All hold their breath as the door opens and reveals . . .

All: BOROMIR?!

Boromir: No, I’m not Boromir. But I’m wearing his clothes.

All exchange dubious looks.

Boromir: *clears throat* I’m Hirgon, and I bear this to present to the King of Rohan. *reveals something from under his cloak*

Théoden: The Horn of Gondor? No, thanks, Boromir.

Boromir: *tosses horn aside* Hehe. I meant this. *reveals some other thing from under his cloak*

All: *GASP!*

Théoden: The Red Arrow! In all my years as king I have never needed to spin it.

Aragorn (to himself): "Spin" it???

Boromir: But you know the rules, right?

Théoden: Yes. We go where it points.

Boromir: Very good, sire. *sets the Red Arrow on a table*

Aragorn: I thought the Red Arrow was supposed to be a token of Gondor’s need?

Éomer: Oh, get off it, Aragorn. Nobody gets help for free now.

Éowyn: Yes. We need the chance to escape from our responsibilities.

Théoden spins the arrow. It points towards Minas Tirith.

Some Old Historian: In all the years of the Mark, no one who has spun the arrow has ever needed to do his duty. Now tradition is broken. ROHAN IS DOOMED!!! *runs off into the wild blue yonder, tearing off his clothes*

Théoden: *shrugs* OK, so I’m a lousy spinner. I guess we have to come to Gondor’s aid.

The muster bell is struck. Men climb on horses. Théoden and company stride out of Meduseld. Théoden is talking to Éomer.

Théoden: Assemble the army at Dunharrow; as many men as can be found. You have two days . . .

Éomer (puzzled): Two days? Sir, I’ll have it done in two hours.

Théoden: Very well, then. On the third, we ride for Gondor. And war. *turns to Gamling* Gamling!

Gamling: My Lord.

Théoden: Make haste across the Riddermark. Summon every able-bodied man to Dunharrow.

Gamling: All twenty of them?

Théoden: What do you mean, "All twenty"?

Gamling: Sir, most of the able-bodied men are in Far Harad, working for those rich oil magnates. That’s why we had a great petrogold income this year.

Théoden: *sigh* Just get them to Dunharrow.

Gamling: As you wish, sire.

Aragorn is securing his gear on Brego. Éowyn joins him, leading a horse with her.

Aragorn: You ride with us?

Éowyn: Just to the encampment. It's tradition for the women of the court to farewell the men.

Aragorn (staring weirdly at Éowyn): Izzat so . . . ?

Aragorn walks over to her horse and lifts up the folded blanket, revealing a sword. Éowyn pulls it down.

Éowyn: So I’ll go off into Minas Tirith. Big deal.

Aragorn: Let me tell you a story: Once, some gal rode off to war. Her uncle found out and gave her such a spanking she can never sit down again for the rest of her life.

Éowyn: :eek: Is it true? Who did it happen to?

Aragorn: Nah, I just made it up. *rides off laughing*

Éowyn: :rolleyes: So much for hope. But . . . he is still charming . . . *rides off after Aragorn*

The women and children of Rohan are saying good-bye to the men.

Woman: Don’t forget! I want an extra large pizza with all the toppings!

Rider: I won’t forget, mom!

Éomer talks to the riders.

Éomer: I guess this is the time I say something encouraging to you guys.

Silence

Éomer: Oh, let’s just go.

The Riders of Rohan, led by their King, leave Edoras. Merry, on a pony, rides with them.
__________________

I think someone better than I should do the lighting of the more-than-seven Beacons.

Vy ze vay, I call dibs on Dunharrow. I have a special script for Rohan's "Army." http://www.geocities.com/louis_martian/smilies/evil.gif

[Oddwen]

I think someone better than I should do the lighting of the more-than-seven Beacons.
Well if you insist! :D ;)


^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Scene: Flying over the mountains, to Rohan we go

As the first beacon is lit, it is suspiciously soon followed by the next...and the next...and the next, all down the line. Alas, it was the last anyone ever heard of the brave Beacon Guarders, for they all were found months later in various poses of gruesome death.
Some were chok'd by treefrogs, and one brave Guardian's head was found, its face eerily white as the windblown snow it rested on. One body was still dangling from a makeshift gallows with the noose still about his neck, and yet another bore the nametag "Hi, I'm ____, Lynch Me!", which apparently had happened. In a hut, remains were found of human flesh boiling in saucepans...while in the snow around a man kneeling with his head in a frozen bucket of water there were evidences of some breed of large dog, which were not prone to wander to those high places. Investigators in later years discounted the deaths and they were officially said to have been caused by "Severe Windburn".


^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Um, yeah...couldn't find a reliable script, had to do that from my poor memory.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I think someone better than I should do the lighting of the more-than-seven Beacons. (Nilpie)
Well if you insist! :D ;) (Oddie)
I guess someone did! Hi, Oddwen! Welcome to the Downs! Enjoy your stay here! :p

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

We'd better keep this thing going. Otherwise my prediction (http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showthread.php?p=151860&highlight=until%20the%20next%20World%20Cup#post151 860) might come true.

I don't have any ideas on the next scene. Can someone else take it?

[The Elf-warrior]

Merry: (Bowing.) "Theoden, may I join your service?"

Theoden: "Yes. Render me your sword."

(Merry gives Theoden his sword.)

Theoden: "Stand up Meriadoc Brandybuck, esquire of the Rohirrim." (Gives Merry his sword back.)

Merry: "Thank-you! May I have some pizza?"

Theoden: "We have not the time to make pizza. Our doom approaches at Minas Tirith. In short, it's time to ride."

Merry:"Oh."

Gimli: "I wish I had three thousand Dwarves with axes with us."

Legolas: "I wish I had three thousand Elves of Mirkwood with us."

Gimli and Legolas: (Simultaneously.) "But your people probably have war enough at home."

Eomer: "Lets get out of here!"

(The musicians start playing the William Tell Overture and the Rohirrim canter away."

[Oddwen]

Whoa, don't click on Nilp's above link! Unless you want your eyes to be assailed by the Red "The" Of Dooom!

-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-

*meanwhile, back at Osgiliath*

*Faramir is running, running. All about him are Orcs and his fellow men. The men are dying. He runs through an arch, followed by the living...*

Madril: Faramir! Duck!

Faramir: Quack, quack!

*Fortunately for the Steward's heir, he triPs on one of the dead and goes sprawling as the Gondorian archers loose their arrows at the following Orcs*

Madril: We cannot hold the Orcs back! The city is lost!

Faramir: But surely there are a few brave men who...

Madril: BY THE NOSE OF THE LORD FARAMIR, RETREAT!

Various Soldiers: Ai, the command of the Nose! We are lost!

*Suddenly, Nazgûl appear, and begin to rake men from their posts high up in the towers and to subsequently drop them from great heights*

Faramir(nose pointed to the sky): NAAAZGÛÛÛÛLLLL!!

Madril: Please, please not a repeat of that scene from TTT...

*The Nazgûl swoop down towards Faramir, but are confounded and swept away as Faramir strikes at them with his nose*

Madril: ...What are you doing, my lord?

Faramir: I am *grunt* fighting a losing *swipe, screech!* battle, Madril!

*Finally, the Nazgies are confounded, giving the men of Gondor time to retreat for their horses. Alas for Madril, as he ran for his horse Mookie, an Orc steps out from behind a post and wounds him*

Madril(lying on the ground, wheezing): Ouch...pain...hey guys? Wait up! If you could just wait a second...ow...'tis but a scratch...

*Slowly, slowly the living approach. At their head is a pink monstrosity, a fearsome color amongst Sauron's army. After all, 'tis but a watered-down shade of red*

*Madril looks up from his vantage point with fear in his eyes, and the "Orc" stabs down with his blade*

Orc #7: My lord...that was his thigh.

Gothmog: Oops *stab*

Orc #7: That was his shoulder, lord.

Madril: Ouch!

Orc #18: Go for his vitals, his vitals!

Gothmog: *stab stab stab stab*

*Finally, Madril's chest was crushed and he could breathe no more*

Gothmog: The age of Men is over. The time...of the Orc has come.

Orc #82: Then what are YOU doing here?

Gothmog: *stab!* Punk.

Random Pink Orc: I love you!

Gothmog: Freak. *stab!*

-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-

End of side one. Please fast forward side one, and turn the tape over to side two.

Next scene is "The White Rider Coming To The Aid Of What Is Left Of The Army Stationed At Osgiliath", or TWRCTTAOWISOTASAO.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Whoa, don't click on Nilp's above link! Unless you want your eyes to be assailed by the Red "The" Of Dooom! (Oddie ex-Moddie)
Ugh. I thought it would only highlight the 'until the next World Cup' part. *shrugs* Highlighting is a tricky business, y'know?

I'll have to take the next one, 'TWRCTTAOWISOTASAO' did you call it?

[Meneltarmacil]

*Meneltarmacil enters the thread, finding it full of cobwebs and smelling terrible. Rats scurry across the floor*

*Menel calls in several exterminators and a Toxic Waste Disposal Team*

Menel: Okay, I'd better get to work here.

*Politicians descend upon the Gondorian soldiers fleeing from Osgiliath, showering them with campaign flyers.*

FARAMIR: For the last time, I'm not going to vote for you!

POLITICIAN: I'll get you a lifetime supply of coffee if you do...

FARAMIR: Well, in that case...

GANDALF: *tosses Pippin at the Nazgul/Politicians*

POLITICIANS/NAZGUL: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech! *fly off, getting as far away from Pippin as possible*

*Pippin appears back on Shadowfax, looking quite confused*

*dramatic music as Gandalf, Pippin, Faramir, and the soldiers return.

FARAMIR: They've captured Osgiliath and they stole all our coffee and doughnuts. I don't know how we're going to survive now.
*looks at Pippin*

GANDALF: This is not the first Halfling to have crossed your path.

PIPPIN: You've seen Frodo and Sam!

GANDALF: Where? When?

FARAMIR: In a non-canonical scene where some idiot director made me try to steal the Ring. If I ever see that guy again... Anyway, they took the road to the Morgul Vale.

GANDALF: Ah, good. The Morgul Vale. No problem ther- Wait a second. Did you just say "the MORGUL VALE?!"

*freaks out*

HORSES: Our backs are seriously hurting. Won't these guys get down already?

[lothlorien]

Well guys I've never done this before but I'll have a go anyway

*Frodo Sam and Gollum climb up and up and still up quite a bit more until finally Frodo who has been busy counting of all the stairs they've climbed slipped on step number 10099 and almost fell*

Gollum: "Stupid hobbit almost falls to it's death why is Smeagol stuck with the idiot and his fat friend" in the distance

Sam "I'm not fat" starts crying

Gollum reaches out to grab Frodo and sees the ring hanging out of his shirt

Gollum: "Pretty shiney"

Sam: "Mr Frodo back you or I'll have a new ingrediant for my stew" and brandishing a large sauce pan he swings at Gollum who rolls his eyes and pulls Frodo up cursing all the while


Gollum: "Smeagol saves Master and fat hobbit attacks him"

Sam reluctantly puts away his sauce pan

Frodo: "We should have taken the elevator"

Sam: "There is no elevator Mr Frodo"

Frodo: "If there's no elevator than what's that" sure enough there is an elevator wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy down below

Sam: "Well that's a good lot of use to us down there now isn't it

Gollum: "Elevator is for politians only you need ID card and campaign benefits to use it" the hobbits start climbing again grumbling about unfairness and damn politians

Gollum: "Master carries heavy burden the fat one wants it for his own he wants to bargain with people on ebay for it tricksy that one soon he'll ask you how much it's worth you'll see" Frodo clutches the ring and glares at Sam who immediately says

"I'm not fatttttt"


well that's me done anybody feel free to take it from here the next scene should be the Witch King at Osgiliath then back to Minas Tirith seeya

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I promise I'll do the next one.

'I pwomise I'll da next one.' Haven't we all heard that before? Lynch him, I say!

[Kath]

Wasn’t sure if you guys were doing the extended version in here, but I thought I’d pop in and see if I could do a scene anyway. I didn't want to step on Nilp's toes so I've skipped over the Stair and the Osgiliath bit.

Pippin: What were you thinking, Peregrin Took? What service can a Hobbit offer such a great lord of Men?

Faramir: Yes it was a little idiotic. I mean, you couldn’t fight anything but a strangely stunted orc and expect to win. Nevertheless, by the decree of my oh so sane father, you are to join the tower guard.

Pippin: I didn't think they would find any livery that would fit me.

Faramir: They couldn’t. But there is this fake one. It won’t stop any blows from killing you but it looks nice. Belonged to a very foolish boy. . .

Pippin: Oh it was yours was it?

Faramir: Yes, it was mi . . . wait how did you know? I didn’t finish the story!

[Pippin shrugs]

Pippin: And I’ll bet your father had it made for you too. Well, I'm taller than you were then. Though, I'm not likely to grow anymore, except sideways, though not as much as you have since then.

[They laugh, Faramir a little self consciously]

Faramir: Never fitted me either. Boromir was always the soldier. They were so alike, he and my father. Proud, stubborn even. But strong.

Pippin: I think you have strength of a different kind. *whispers to himself (I wonder if he bought that!)*

[Pippin kneels before Denethor in the citadel. Faramir waits hopping from foot to foot, desperate to find a bathroom.]

Pippin: Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor. In peace or war, in living or dying, from...

[Gandalf whispers the next words out of the corner of his mouth and then whistles innocently]

From this hour henceforth, until my lord release me, or death take me.

[Denethor rises, smiling, and approaches Pippin. Smelling the remarkable odour that seems to follow Denethor around, Pippin began to wish death would take him right then.]

Denethor: And I shall not forget it, nor fail to reward that which is given. You will have cream cakes and custard pies in abundance!

[Denethor holds his ring to be kissed. Pippin kisses it while trying to hold his breath.]

Denethor: Fealty with chocolate, valour with apple crumble, [He looks at Faramir] disloyalty with spinach.

[Faramir shudders.]

[Denethor sits to eat.]

Denethor: I do not think we should so lightly abandon the outer defences, defences that your brother long held intact you lazy toerag.

Faramir: What would you have me do, oh subtle comparer?

Denethor: I will not yield thurriveranPelennor unfought. Osgiliath must be retaken

Faramir: Uh, well, I don’t know about the first place, but Osgiliath is overrun.

Denethor: My words are perfectly clear! If you do not understand them then why did you become a translator?

Faramir: I didn’t become a . . .

Denethor: Never mind! Much must be risked in war. Is there a captain here who still has the creme brulee – I mean the courage to do his lord's will?

Faramir: You wish now that our places had been exchanged. That I had died and
Boromir had lived.

Denethor: Yes, I wish that. He wouldn’t have lost me that ice cream factory.

[Faramir bursts into tears and runs from the hall shouting as he goes]

Faramir: It’s so unfair! Boromir always got to do everything first! And now he’s dead and I’m stuck with you, and you know what? You smell!

Denethor: Oh the pain, the pain! What will I do! *Shouting* I’m king you idiot! I can smell however I want!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes ok I know that was useless, but at least I had a go right?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

. . . since I didn't want to do the Stair, and a sneaky Cobbler took over half of my scene ( :p ) . . .

~*~

The Witch-king surveys Osgiliath from atop some random building.

Witch-king: Okay, so we'll build my castle here, and then place a giant fountain in front of it . . .

Gothmog: Uh, sir?

Witch-king: What? What is it?

Gothmog: We need to take that city first. *points at Minas Tirith*

Witch-king: Hmmm, just send everything with hands to attack it.

Gothmog: Even the clocks and wristwatches, sir?

Witch-king (back to surveying his future kingdom): Uh, yeah, sure, whatever. Now, we put the amusement park in that vacant lot over there . . .

Gothmog: What of the Wizard?

Witch-king: We don't need wizards. Just get clowns, or better yet, jesters. With bells on their strange hats and all.

Gothmog: No, I mean the White Wizard.

Witch-king: Who?

Gothmog: The creepy guy wearing out-of-fashion white clothes, the one who threw a hobbit at you?

Witch-king: Ah, him. I have something very special planned for him. First, I'll drag out his entrails, then when I've ripped off his skin, I'll drain off all the blood.

Gothmog: Very good, sir.

Witch-king: I'll treat his body so it doesn't decay, then I'll stock it up with the rest of my doll collection. He'll go quite well with that old hag I found a few centuries ago.

Gothmog: Dolls, sir?

Witch-king (uneasily): Uh . . . uh . . . You didn't hear me say that, or I'll tell the whole world all about your parents.

Gothmog: *gulp* Mum's the word, sir.

~*~

. . . Uh, will somebody else do the Stair scene? I've already claimed the Muster scene (q.v. (http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showpost.php?p=399317&postcount=217)) and it's a bit inappropriate if I take too many scenes now. Unless, of course, you all disappear (like what Oddwen always does when nobody else posts. We love you, Oddie-poo. :D )

[Oddwen]

Oddie wubs all you, too! http://1.forumer.com/html/emoticons/wub.gif Speakin' of the EE, let's try this for starters...



_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Gandalf(ignoring the fidgeting horses): Faramir, tell me everything, down to the last minute detail.

Horses: *whinny! pain!*

***Scene switches to the Citadel, where Faramir has just explained "everything" to Denethor***

F: ...and that's when I realized that I had too low of an SPF in my sunblock.

D: This is how you serve your city? You have two hitherto mythical creatures and the Ring of Power in your grasp and you let them LEAVE FOR THE ENEMY'S LAND?

F: I did what I judged to be right.

D: It's a good thing you're not judge of my jury, sonny! You should have brought the Halflings here, to be locked in a cage and laughed at, until the city burns and we all perish in the flames of doom. And the Ring, too, should have been brought here, not to be used but hidden, until the very very very very very very very very last moment, until everyone but me was dead.

F: I would not use the Ring. Not if I needed a chain to hang myself with and it was the last metal ring in the city.

D: So, you've changed your tune rather quick, eh? Boromir was at least honest, he didn't flip-flop about "bringing it to father" and "not using it".

F: Boromir would not have brought the Ring to you. He would have sold it, and bought ice cream, and eaten it until he was dead.

D: What do you know about this matter? Nothing! *he tries to throw himself at Faramir, but misses and hits his head against his chair. Looking up and rubbing his head, he sees a vision of Boromir behind the younger son*

D: My darling boy!

F: *strange look*

D: You've returned from dark places!

F: *tears up*

D: My darling, favorite, wonderful, handsome son!

F: You're hallucinating again, aren't you father?

D: What? *he stops hallucinating* Oh, it's you. Leave me alone, fool!

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The first stair part's been done, next would be the Stairs & Lembas scene.

[elfearz1]

May I reserve the brief scene with Gandy talking to Faramir and Pip singing, please? Unless someone has a particular fancy for that scene then they can have it.

[Oddwen]

Elfearz! Gosh, it's been a while, hasn't it?

o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o <(Looks like a whole row of shocked faces, doesn't it?)

Scene: Somewhere on the Secret Stairs, the hobbits and Gollum are resting. Sam is trying not to doze off, but seeing his two companions sleep, he finally succumbs.

Sam: SNXXXXXXX....

Gollum*muttering*: Finali3z, precious! Thought he would never...

Sam: SNXXXXXXX....

*Gollum sneaks into Sam's pack, fishing out SNXXXXXXXXX the lembas with an insincere touch. He then SNXXXXXXXXXgingerly breaks off a few crumbs, and sprinkles them on Sam's cloak SNXXXXXXXXX and greedy face. HeSNXXXXXXXXX then tosses the rest off the stairs*

Sam: SNXXXX...XXX....XX...*tosses and turns*...xXXxxxx...*rolls over the edge* AIIIIIIIIiiiiii....

*He then appears back on the ledge with a confused and terrified look on his face*

Sam: Hoo boy, what a dream! Boy, do I miss Rosie...hey, you Gollum! What're you doing, sneaking off?

Smeagol: Yes.

Sam: I'm sorry, you just...hey, what?

Gollum: Just kidding, precious. We weren't sneaking.

Smeagol: Yes we were.

Gollum: Shut up.

Smeagol: Uhh...we weren't sneaking. At all. Not one bit.

Gollum: But we're still offended.

Sam: Alright then, what were you doing?

Smeagol: Sneaking.

Gollum: Shut up!

Sam: *headledge* Fine, I'll leave you two alone. Mr. Frodo, wake up! We've got to get moving before I push a certain sneak over the cliff.

Fro: Mumblemumble still darkout fivemoreminnits...

Sam: Okay, then.

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, it's been five minutes.

Fro: *whack*

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, it's been five minutes.

Fro: *whack*

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, I'm afraid I must insist that we get going.

Fro: I'M UP! Where's the food?!?

Sam: Now you're talking! *rummages around in his pack* Uhh...now we're talking... *rustlerummage* Uh-oh. It's not here.

Fro: WHAT? I mean, what? It's all we have left! How will we survive without the heartening effects of the elven bread, which would have given us strength as we relied more and more on it alone?

Sam: I don't think anybody knows that!

PJ: *snickers*

Gollum: *snickers*

Sam: HE took it! It was the Sneak, in My Backpack, with the Food!

Gollum: Meeeeeeeeee? No, it wasn't meeeeeee, precious, I don't like the stuff!

Sam: But...

Fro: He doesn't like it.

Sam: But...

Gollum: We can't stand the taste of it.

Sam: But...

Fro: He retches whenever he catches a whiff of it.

Sam: But...

Gollum: We breakes out in hiveses if I touch it, precious.

Sam: But...

Fro: He had a heart attack last time he tried to eat it, and we had to give him CPR, remember?

Sam: But...

Gollum: What's this, on his jacketses? It looks like crumbses, that's what it looks like!

Sam: So I'm a sloppy eater...wait a minute, I haven't eaten in...YOU LYING SNEAK!

*Attack of the Sam! It's ferocious, and Frodo tries to stop it by slapping them both, but suddenly he falls down in a dead faint*

Sam: Oh Mr. Frodo, I'm sorry! I didn't mean...I was just so angry...haven't eaten in days notthatit'syourfault...here, let me help...

Fro: No Sam, it's not that...I think I just saw Gandalf the Grey...UNCLOAKED!

DUN DUN DUN!!! *Random Downer prepares his neg-rep!*

Sam*muttering*: Oh for the love of...

Gollum: Where?!?

Sam: Mr. Frodo, you're hallucinating. It's that Gollum, and all the undue stress, and it's the Ring too.

Fro's eyes: *widen*

Sam: I could help, you know. Carry it for you. Shaaaaaaare the loooooooad...

Fro's eyes: 0_o

Sam*in slo-mo, surround sound, and some sick reverb*: Share the looooooad, shaaaaare the load, share the loooooad, shaaare the looooad shaaaare the loooooaaad, shaaaaare the looooad share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the loooooooooooooooooooooad

*the echoes die away into silence*

Fro: O_O ... ... ......... ... .... .. . .... ...That was cool.

Sam: What?

Fro: I mean, get away from me!!

Gollum: Sees, do you sees? He wants it for himself! And then he'll UNCLOAK!

Fro*gasp*: No! Never!

Random Downer: Aww man, too bad you can't neg rep a post twice...

Sam: But he's poisoning you against me!

Fro: You can't help me anymore, Sam.

Sam: But I can! Look, I...I'm cheerful, I can lift things, I can carry things, I can carry you and It too! I'll do a puppet show every night! I'll write poetry! I'll dress like a girl! I'll do anything you want!

Fro: Go...

Sam: You can hit me if you want!

Fro: ...Home, Sam.

Sam: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*And as Sam throws himself sobbing onto the ground, Frodo takes Gollum's hand and continues up the stairs.*

Gollum: Pbblllblbbtttt!!

O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O

Meh. The proper environment for writing these is about two a.m.

Annnnnd, the next scene would be the one elfearz has claimed.

[Elu Ancalime]

Well, ill take the next bit of Cirith Ungol.....
__________________________________________________ _______________

Gollum: See, see! The tunnel....

Frodo: *doubting murmurs* ugh...I dont know....

G: Its the only way!

Frodo: Are you sure? There was that elevator too, and you said the stairs were the only way up. Is there a mine cart or somthing we can take to the other side?

Gollum: No! Only way...

Frodo: oookkkkkaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!

*Scene moves to Sam, descending the Stair*

Sam: Hey, its like Splash Mountain! Wheeeeee!

*Sam falls down about ten feet and theres a gross crunching sound*

Sam: .......

Sam: O wait, that was just Lembas...haha...

*silence*

Sam: Hey! I think I figured it out! Frodo dropped these on the way up and GOllum mistakened them for me eatin them! Ha! Wait till i tell Frodo!
________
DAIHATSU MATERIA (http://www.toyota-wiki.com/wiki/Daihatsu_Materia)

[elfearz1]

Gandy: Faramir my boy! You fathers a nutjob... he's got a few screws loose, he's one elephant short of a circus or however that saying goes.... oh anyway, do not throw your life away so rashly!

Faramir: Where does my allegiance lie, if not here?

Gandy: *as he watches F. ride away* Your father loves you... He will remember it before the end. ...or he'll just try to kill you, either way. *shrugs*

*Scene switch to Denny and Pip*
Denethor: Can you sing, Master Hobbit?

Pippin: Well, I don't normally, but after I've had a few pints *giggle* then there was this one time Merry and I stayed up way past midnight *giggle* oh.. well we hobbits don't have any songs fit for such a steward as you *cough*

Denethor: (grimly) And why should your songs be unfit for me? Come, sing me a song.

Pip: I don't know very many songs

Denethor: I said sing me a song

Pip: I'm not a very good singer

Denny: SING ME A SONG

pip: uh... row row row your boat gently down the stream....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
nonesensical as always
:rolleyes:

[Oddwen]

Scene: Dunharrow, & the mustering of the troops.

^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^

(Theoden and his entourage ride up the winding way to Dunharrow, trampling down any in their way)

Random Rohirrim: *blowing a kazoo* Make way for the King! The King! The King is - *RR is trampled*

Random Rohirrim 2: Hail, sire, hail!

Theoden: Yes I am, hale and hearty. Grimbold, how many men were you able to recruit?

Grimbold: There are five hundred men from the Westfold, sir.

Random Rohirrim 3: And I bring three hundred from Fenmarch!

Theoden: That makes...um...seven hundred and fifty riders. Where are the riders from Snowbourne? Where is the kazoo that was blowing?

RR3: They have passed like a wind on the mountain, sire. However, from each village I came to, for each man there were three fierce women armed to the teeth and ready to fight.

Theoden: You turned them away, of course?

RR3: Yes, of course sire! Imagine, a woman in battle! *they both laugh*

(Theoden and Aragorn continue upwards to the tents of the Truly Important People. They stand and survey the troops gathered below, near the For Important But Only In A Small and Insignificant Way People Camp)

Theoden: Six spears. Only a third of what I'd hoped for.

Aragorn: Er...that won't be enough.

Theoden: More will come.

Aragorn: Every hour that passes hastens Sauron's advancement. We have to ride at dawn.

(Suddenly, a horse snorts in terror and rears up. A Random Rohirrim [no. 843] is thrown upwards and over the mountain with a fading shriek)

Legolas: The horses are restless and the men are quiet. The sun is going down behind the mountains. We are very high up. The air has oxygen in it. I am annoying people. Gimli has a beard. Aragorn smells.

Eomer: They are restless in the shadow of the mountain.

Gimli: That road there, that creepy one, where does that lead, and why are we so near to it?

Legolas: It is the road to Dimholt, the door under the mountain. That means that there's a door under the mountain, and that road leads to it.

Eomer: None who venture there ever return. The mountain, road, and door are EEEEEVIL.

Howard's Score: *DUN DUN DUN!!!*

Gimli: How many people have ventured the road?

Legolas: And the door under the mountain that is at the end of the road leading to the door in the mountain that is at the end of the road?

Eomer: One.

Gimli: Oh. You're right, it's obviously a danger to whomever attempts the road...and the door at the end.

(Aragorn peers at the road. He stares so hard that his eyes begin to water. Something green and venomously vaporous appears from behind a rock and shakes its fist at the smelly Ranger. It opens its mouth and would say something except - )

Gimli*punching Aragorn in the kidney*: Hey!

*Aragorn says 'Oophfff!' and doubles over onto the ground*

Gimli: Two for flinching! *kicks Aragorn in the head twice* Let's go find some food.

(Aragorn lifts his head, and with watering eyes he surveyed the Evil Road Leading To the Door Under the Mountain At the End Of the Road Leading To the Door Under the Mountain, but the green apparition is nowhere to be seen. Painfully, he crawls after Gimli and Legolas)

^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^

Annd, the next scene is Eowyn readying Merry for battle.

[Oddwen]

Revenge of the Entish Bow: Started 1/08/2003, finished 4/18/2003 = approx. three months, ten days

Reunification of the Entish Bow: Started 7/09/2003, finished 5/11/2006 = approx. two years, ten months, two days

New Movie Script: Started 6/15/2003, still going 5/28/2006 = approx. two years, eleven months, eighteen days

This page of the NMS: 12/18/2004, still going 5/28/2006 = approx. one year, five months, ten days

Ladies and corpses, do we have a record? ;) Should we start "The Hobbit Script", or would that fall into oblivion worse than this has?

I know not where this should fit exactly, make of it what you will:

)8)8)8)8)8)8)(8(8(8(8(8(8(

Scene: Somewhere on the border of Rohan and Gondor

*Theoden and the army of Rohan gallop onwards, suddenly Theoden holds up his hand to stop*

Theoden: Hold it! Back up a few feet! (The army grumbles and wonders, but does so)

Theoden: Now ride forward a bit! (They do so)

Eomer: What are you doing, my lord?

Theoden: You don't hear that?

Eomer: Uh, what, the army muttering behind your back?

Theoden: No, listen!

*everyone does so*

Theoden: You honestly didn't hear? Back up again! (The army does so)

Theoden: Now forward. (They do so)

Eomer: My lord, time grows short, what are you talking about?

Theoden: You honestly don't hear that? Back up again! (The army does so)

Theoden: Back here, you can hear the Rohan theme, hardic fiddles and what-not, while here (The army moves forward again), it's trumpets and the theme for the White Tree of Gondor!

The Army: *stare*

Theoden: The theme music is switching! That means that we've passed over into the Realm of Gondor! I always loved going across the border when I was younger...used to drive my Dad crazy when I'd back the whole cavalcade up. Now here we go, to battle and a red dawn, ONWARD!

*The William Tell Overture plays, and the army gallops forward muttering to itself angrily*

Howard Shore: That man drives me CRAZY!!

[lothlorien]

The men have all stopped for the night to camp as they sit around thinking their deep thoughts Eowyn readies Merry for battle

Eowyn: There you go hobbit you look like any old smelly man of Rohan * while Merry considers whether this is a good thing or not Eowyn hands him his helmet*
Make sure you rest well tonight as I'm afraid my uncles time wasting earlier today at the border has put us behind a bit

Merry: Do I have to wear that thing

Eowyn: What's wrong with it *glances at helmet*

Merry: Well it's just there so ugly

Eowyn: My uncle chose these helmets

Merry: Why couldn't he choose something that wasn't quite so bad *looks at the helmet and sighs*

*Eowyn steers him around and points outside the tent to a random soldier you have to have read make your own crazy scene with pics to get this* It could be much worse you could look like him

Merry: AH NO WHAT IS IT RUN AWAY!!!!!!!

Eowyn: It's the earlier design for the helmets you could be wearing that yourself
*Merry stares in horror at the soldier in the hideous helmet before him*

Merry: This ones fine *puts it on and pulls out his sword almost getting her with it*

Eowyn: I thought that thing wasn't suppose to be sharp

Merry: Who said it wan't sharp

Eowyn: Never mind get to the smithy and have him check it over *they exit the tent Merry starts away looks once at the man in the helmet shudders and keeps walking*

Eomer: You shouldn't encourage him he might follow us which means the other one might come too *he and Gamling both shudder at the thought of Pippin*

Eowyn: You shouldn't make assumptions

Eomer: I'm not I happen to have heard it from a very reliable source that the other one is a painstaking burden

Eowyn: Who has told you this *at that moment Aragorn who is standing nearaby starts away whistling*

Eowyn: Why shouldn't he be allowed to bring his friend with him if he wants to *Eomer stands to face her*

Eomer: Don't joke about such things you know nothing of this friend he could be the ruin of all merry doesn't come *she stands there looking upset*

Eowyn: Well you have ugly messed up hair *Eomer and his men gasp in horror and pull our their mirrors at this as she storms away*


ok someone else feel free to take over you should be up to Aragorns dream about Arwen and Elronds surprise visit

[The Elf-warrior]

(Aragorn dreams that Arwen is lying unconscious.)

Arwen: (v.o) "I choose a mortal life, especially since Elrond is so cranky. Too bad I'll never see Aragorn again." (Cries.)

(Aragorn sees the Evenstar pendant fall and shatter in six hundred thirty five pieces. He awakes with a start, brandishing a pike.)

Aragorn: "Qui va la?"

Guard: "Eh!"

Aragon: "Pardon me! It's French for 'Who goes there?'"

Guard: "Your French is dreadful my lord. It should be ‘Pardon’ and it means ‘excuse me.’ Lord Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, Theoden King of Rohan, son of Thengel, son of Fengel doth desire your presence in his tent."

Aragorn: "I shall perambulate over posthaste."

Guard: "Wot!"

Aragorn: "I'll walk over to his tent!"

Theoden: (Pointing to a hooded and cloaked figure.) "Do you have any idea who this cranky old man is?"

Aragorn: "Elrond."

Theoden: "Do you know him?"

Aragorn: "Know him? Nah! He's only the father of my betrothed and my foster father."

Theoden: "I beg your pardon, sir."

Aragorn: "My foster father!"

Theoden: "Sir, I understood every word you said. I was just begging your pardon for asking a question that apparently annoyed you."

Aragorn: "Who, me, annoyed? Inconceivable!"

Theoden: "I shall take my leave, sir"

Aragorn: "It's none of my business what you do with your leave, Theoden."

(Theoden walks out shaking his head.)

Aragorn: "Greetings and salutations, lord Elrond of Rivendell."

Elrond: "Quit standing on ceremony!"

Aragorn: "Where is it? I don’t see it anywhere."

Elrond: “Where is what!”

Aragorn: “Ceremony.”

Elrond: “Quit acting so stuck up! It would be a compliment to call you a moron, you smart-mouth brat!”

Aragorn: “Yo, what’s up, Elrond?”

Elrond: "Arrgh! Arwen is sick in bed, Elfstone!"

Aragorn: "Unconscious?"

Elrond: "How did you guess that?"

Aragorn: "From her posture."

Elrond: "What are you talking about?"

Aragorn: "I saw her in my dream before the guard summoned me here."

Elrond: "Arwen is dying."

Aragorn: (Under his breath.) "Figures with the way he treats her."

Elrond: "What did you just say?”

Aragorn: "Figureswiththewayhetreatsher!"

Elrond: "Are you implying that I am less than a good father to my daughter?"

Aragorn: "No. I am explicitly stating so."

Elrond: "Don’t be contrary with me! She will not long survive the spreading evil of Mordor because Sauron has tied her fate to that of the Ring."

Aragorn: "One those not walk into Rivendell and tie my betrothed’s fate to an inanimate, or semi-inanimate object actually. Rivendell is guarded by Vil..."

Elrond: (Covering Aragorn’s mouth.) “You mustn’t speak of such things. The Shadow is upon us! Doom is come!”

Aragorn: “It’s his doom that’s coming.”

Elrond: “I wish I could share your optimism but I’ve been around a lot longer than you. You know Sauron is marching on Minas Tirith…”

Aragorn: “I had no idea.”

Elrond: “Shut up! This is serious! Sauron AKA Annatar AKA Artano AKA Aulendil AKA Gorthaur, who calls himself Lord of the Earth, is also attacking Minas Tirith via the Anduin River from the south with a fleet of black-sailed Corsair ships. They shall arrive at Minas Tirith in two days.”

Aragorn: “If Sauron himself is marching to Minas Tirith that means he has the Ring and we’re doomed.”

Elrond: “I was talking about his armies coming from Mordor! You need more men.”

Aragorn: “There are none.”

Elrond: “What! What about the men of Lossarnach?”

Aragorn: “They got lost.”

Elrond: “What about the men of Ringló Vale?”

Aragorn: “They went to a Beatles concert.”

Elrond: “What about the men of the Paths of the Dead?”

Aragorn: (Gasps.) “They are loyal to nobody, not even the Dark Lord! Are you nuts?”

Elrond: “They will answer to the King of Gondor.” (Pulls out Anduril.)

Aragorn: “You wouldn’t murder your daughter’s betrothed, would you?”

Elrond: “Stop your fretting! This is Anduril, Flame of the West, forged from the shards of Narsil and it’s all yours!”

Aragorn: “At last! Yippee! (Sings:) You will curse the day you did not do all that the Elfstone asked of you!”

Elrond: “The new patented E@E process is ten times stronger than the nearest competitor and resists corrosion five times better than Rustbegone and the five year limited warranty gives you the confidence you need to defeat the Dark Lord!”

Aragorn: “Speak the speech, I pray you, trippingly on the tongue as I pronounced it to you. But if you mouth it, like many of your players do, I had as lief the town crier spoke my lines.”

Elrond: “Put aside the bad attitude. Become who you were born to be! Take the Dimholt Road.”

Aragorn: “Feed a cold,”

Elrond: “Starve a fever. Good-bye.”

[Oddwen]

Scene: The camp. Aragorn is leaving in Middle-night for the Paths of the Dead.

)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)

Aragorn: *muttermutteryawn* Stupid Paths, don't know why the Dead would follow me, I haven't exactly chosen to accept my destiny as king yet...

Éowyn: Hey!

Aragorn: AHH!

Éowyn: Why are you packing up? The war's to the East! MY LORD, WE HAVE A DESERTER HERE MMMMMMMMMMPH!!

Aragorn: Shh! I'm not deserting! I'm just getting the Angband outta here!

Éowyn: And the difference is...?

Aragorn: Why are you here anyway? Shouldn't you be asleep?

Éowyn: I was stalking you...er, couldn't sleep and decided to follow you...er, I mean, I'm taking a walk.

Aragorn: Cute, real cute. Too bad, I've got a fiancée. She may or may not be dying, but a fiancée all the same.

Éowyn: I don't wanna marry you, who said anything about marriage? *wink*

Aragorn: *drool* No, no no, her father would kill me...I cannot give you what you seek, Éowyn. Anyway, it's only a shadow and a thought that you love.

Éowyn: I thought your shadow was pretty fine. *pout*

Aragorn: *drool* Ahhh haa muhhhhhhhhh...uh, I gotta go bye. Don't worry, be happy. Don't go after the host either, even if I have crushed all your hopes and you wish to die, or you'll be in big trouble.

(Éowyn wails and runs away. Aragorn watches her with glazed eyes, but then turns to go)

Aragorn: *sigh* Well, c'mon Brego, let's go rouse the zombies...AHH!

Gimli: Where are you going, you deserter? ALERT, ALERT, DESERTER AAAGH!!

Aragorn: For the last time, I'm not deserting! And you can't come with me.

Legolas: Yes he is.

Aragorn: AHH! Is everyone following me tonight?

Gandalf(behind a rock): No.

Théoden(behind a tent): No.

Eöl(behind a rock): No.

Finarfin(behind a tent): No.

Varda(behind a star): No.

Sauron(in the Palantir): No.

Arwen(behind a spear): No.

Celeborn(behind Brego): No.

Boromir(from Aragorn's saddlebag): No.

Eärendil(from Vingelot): No.

Éowyn(in plain sight): I am.

All: Go back to bed!

Aragorn: You guys cannot come with me.

Legolas: Have you learned nothing of the stubbornness of Dwarves?

Aragorn: Yes.

Legolas: Wait...which?

Pippin(behind a horse): We're going, or you'll have to tie us up in a sack to stop us!

Gandalf: Fool of a Took!

Pippin: I mean...they're going with you.

Aragorn(throwing his hands up): I'm outnumbered, fourteen to one!

Sauron: Actually, thirteen. I don't want them to go. The less, the best as I say!

Celebrimbor(in a hole): Is that why only One master ring was made?

Féanor(next to Eöl): That's why I never made any single item. If my only item were lost, I'd be doomed!

Sauron: Shut up!

Gothmog the Balrog(behind a small moon): You managed to be doomed pretty well, considering.

Fëanor: Well, I wasn't just going to kill one of my kin. It would go against my entire philosophy! The more the merrier, I say!

Sauron: That's not what I say.

Fëanor: Just who taught *you*?

Aulë(behind the mountain): I did!

Aragorn: ARGH! *He charges off wildly, followed by Legolas and Gimli. The rest of the crowd gets into a huge argument about Silmarils*

)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)

Next scene is Théoden and Éowyn's discussion before he leaves.

[lothlorien]

*Éowyn stands alone with her arms crossed, looking into the distance, her face perfectly still in deep thought.*

Eowyn: "What does he mean his shadow...Shadow heh, it is more than a shadow I care for". The sun rises. Théoden approaches.*

Théoden: "Ah Eowyn I left insturction with those not riding towards death and despair. The people are to follow your rule in my stead. It's quite fun you wouldn't believe the crazy things soldiers will do if you ask them" *he smiles fondly*. "Like the ones I had them go spy on that pesky Boromir heh heh he's a crazy one".

Boromir: from off in the distance "Hey I did hear that you know"

Theoden: "Hmm whatever happened to those guys...I don't think they've returned yet"...."Wait wasn't Boromir hiding in Aragorns saddlebag?" "Then where are the soldiers I sent after him?" *at that moment 6 soldiers come up practically dead on their feet*

Soldier: "King Theoden sir we have tracked the Lord Boromir throughout his journey

Theoden: "What why are there only 6 of you?. Where are the rest?"

Soldier: "Most of our number tragically died in an incident including a very scarey drop over a waterfall" *sudden flash back of them plunging over the water fall after Boromir* "Sir we believe he's dead"

Theoden: "Oh is he really?". "Then what do you call that riding away with Aragorn and the others?". "Go on get after them I haven't said you could stop tracking him yet" *they all groan but get up and start at a amazinlgy slow pace after them*

*Eowyn coughs to get Theodens attention again* Oh as I was saying long may you defend Edoras if the battle goes ill which it probably will. *Eowyn looks at him in surprise*

Eowyn: "Do you really think it that hopeless?"

Theoden: What? With Eomer taking a lead, that idiot will be the death of us all him and his stupid delivery trucks...I mean I have complete faith in the man even if he is...a little enthusiastic". *they both look over at Eomer who is practising intimidating facial expression's and shake their heads as they hear* "Are you looking at me...Are you looking at me".

Theoden: "Take up my seat in the Golden Hall...it needs a serious woman's touch as I fired the cleaning lady quite a while ago"

Éowyn: (blankly) What other duty would you have me do, My Lord?

Théoden: *Turns to Éowyn and takes her hands.* "Duty? Well now you mention it..." *Éowyn cuts him off quickly then forces a tiny smile* "Don't grieve for those whose time has come". *He cups Éowyn's head in his hands and brings her forehead to his.* "You shall live to see these days renewed. No more despair....Although I expect some grief if my unfortunate death does arrive in this battle". "And make sure no one tries to follow us I mean we can't have some silly woman follow us into battle now can we"

*He walks away leaving Eowyn considering this suddenly a lightbulb appeared above her head. 'If she followed them she could go into battle. and if she could go into battle, she could fight. And if she could fight she could prove she was as brave as any man. And if she could prove she was as brave as any man she could show up Aragorn and if she could show up Aragorn she'd feel better about not being with him...YEAH' she smiled and whistling innocently started towards the men's armour tent*.

Well that's this bit done the next scene is Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas on the road to the paths of the dead.

[Oddwen]

Two months later, Oddwen enters...ah, you know the drill.

Dang...it's been too long. I don't even remember the order of of the original script. 0_o; And I was watching FotR today (at my Dad's behest, I had naught to do with it), and I was remembering scenes from the book and wondering why they were missing in the extended edition...sheesh. Time to re-read.

_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_

Scene: Uh, lemme check...the road to the Dimholt.

(Dwarf, Ranger and Elf are on two horses riding towards the Door through the mountain.)

Aragorn: I can't help but think I should have a host of my kin at my side...

Legolas: War marches on their borders as well.

Gimli: Th-this is spooky. So tell me Aragorn, because half the audience needs some backstory, why does an army linger in such a place?

Legolas: The people who used to live here were afraid of wizards. So one day, when it rained and the sun and moon were out at the same time, they tried to burn the two village wizards Palatar and Allando, but they exploded killing everyone within 7.2 miles. They became vengeful spirits waiting for anyone to come through with musical instruments, for a gentle lullaby is the only thing that can give their souls rest.

Aragorn: What?

(Gimli swallows and nonchalantly throws away his lute and tuba)

Aragorn: Uh...no. Actually, the people of these mountains were supposed to fight for Isildur, they didn't, he cursed them, blah-blah-blah, me being the only heir of Isildur left, I'm the only one who can release them from their oath. Not that I've actually accepted my destiny yet, mind.

Legolas: Not the way my mommie told it to me.

(They reach the end of the road and the beginning of the door. The doorway is dark, and stick figures are everywhere.)

Gimli(flapping his arms): Brrr! My very bones are chilled!

Legolas(reading the symbols): "See Jané run. Run run run. See an orc chase Jané. Chase chase chase."

Aragorn: "The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut." Actually, it looks open, so let's go in.

Horses: Neigh! Fear! Run away!

Gimli: Nooo! Take me with youuuuuu!

Mysterious Voice from Within the Cavern: Whoo! Boogie-boogie-boogie!

Another Voice: PEEVES!

Aragorn: I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

(Legolas steps forward so he's firmly in the camera eye and smiles dashingly. With a spring in his step, he follows Aragorn in.)

Gimli: This is a thing unheard of! An elf will go underground and a dwarf dare not! Ooooh, if I don't go in, Aragorn will probably tell the elf he tossed me, ooohhh... *he stamps his feet and runs in as quickly as he can * Hey guys, waiiiiiit for meeeee!!

-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-

Scene: Back in Dunharrow. Merry has just expressed the desire to go fight with Theoden.

Men of Rohan: BAW-HAW-HAW-HAW!!

Merry: No, really!

Theoden(wheezing): We need big strong men to fight, not people who might get underfoot and stab someone behind the knee by mistake. Sorry, Holbytla.

Merry: But I want to kill someone. I...I have to kill someone. I...I NEED to kill someone. *he fingers the strange, otherworldly weapon in his pack as his eye begins to twitch*

Theoden: Little hobbits do not belong in war. They belong in the field, or in the pub, or in the kitchen doing dishes. Or wait, that one's about women. No matter. Women and hobbits can't fight, everyone knows that.

Merry: But all my friends went! I'll be a laughingstock!

Theoden: If your friends all jumped off the Tower of Ecthelion, would you jump too? Besides, we might all die anyway. You have my permission to fight if someone attacks back here. And that's all I have to say about that.

(Merry pouts as the men of Rohan start to ride past. More and more horses stream around him, black and dun and roan and piebald and palomino and stuff, until one of the last riders reaches out and pulls him onto his...I mean her, horse.)

Merry: AGH! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! AAAAGHH...

Mysterious Young Female Rider: Shut up and ride with me!

Merry: Alright! I get to kill something! WOOO-HOOAAA-HAA-HAA-ow! That hurt, Eowyn.

MYFR: Sorry...I mean who?

Teh End

[The Elf-warrior]

(Cut to the Paths of the Dead and Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn. The ladder is carrying a medal torch. He won it in the Best Enuciator contest in T. A. 3002)

Gimli: "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

Legolas: "If you're seeing the shapes, but necessarily the full reality of men and horses, then yes. I also see with my two Elf eyes pale banners like shredded government documents and spears rising out of the paranormal mists. In short, the Dead are following us. They have been summoned."

Gimli: "Wonderful."

Legolas: "I am glad you think so."

Gimli: "I meant it sarcastically!"

Aragorn: "Look down if you want to be scared insane."

(Gimli looks down and screams in horror when he sees the skulls of the dead. They walk into a giant hall and see a green figure rotten with decay.)

King of the Dead: (Through ventriloquism.) "Who dares to intrude into my domain?"

Aragorn: "One who will have your allegiance."

King of the Dead: "The King of the Dead is in no mood for riddles! Oh, and by the way, the Dead do not suffer the living to pass."

Aragorn: "Tell the King of the Dead that we are but warriors for the working day. Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirched with rainy marches in the painful fields, but by Elbereth, our hearts are in the trim! Anyways, you're going to have to suffer me."

King of the Dead: "Mua, ha, ha, ha!" (The dead come and make a wall of undeadness around Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas.) The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead. And the Dead keep it. The way is shut. Case closed."

Aragorn: "Then how come there's an open passageway into this dismal place? We didn't even have to open a door."

King of the Dead: "It is dangerous to presume to ask questions of the King of the Dead..."

Legolas: "Here he goes using the third person again."

King of the Dead: "And for your crimes of burglary,"

Gimli: "It's not burglary if you walk through a completely open passageway!"

KotD: "Silence! And for your sedition you shall die!"

Gimli: "He doesn't mince words, does he?"

(Legolas shoots an arrow straight through the KoD with little effect.)

Aragorn: "I summon ye to fulfill your oaths, draft-dodgers."

KotD: "Yeah, I suppose you're the King of Gondor. Well, I'm Kodos the Executioner."

(Aragorn draws out Andúril and the KotD draws out his own sword and attacks Aragorn with it. Aragorn stops the KotD's attack and puts his sword to the KotD's throat.)

Kotd: "That line was broken."

Aragorn: "I remember all my lines and furthermore the line has been remade. This statement does not imply that my bloodline was at any time broken. It merely acknowleges that for the longest time my family has not been King. What say you?"

Gimli: "You're wasting your time. If they didn't have any honor in life, how can they have any in death? And besides, they're freaking me out."

Aragorn: "I am Isuldir's heir. Fight for me, and I will deem ye oaths fulfilled."

(The Dead shrug their shoulders.)

Aragorn: "WHAT SAY YOU? You have my word of honour! Fight, and I will de-shade you! WHAT SAY YOU? Will you yield, or guilty in defense be not destroyed?"

Gimli: "Heel, you traitors!"

(The mist clears and the skulls start falling.)

Aragorn: "Gimli, waddle out of here as fast as you can! Legolas, run!"

(They run out as the skulls fall on and around them. Aragorn falls down in despair when he sees the black corsairs. Legolas comforts him. A noise comes out of the cave and Aragorn turns to see the KotD."

KotD: "A day may come when the courage of..."

Aragorn: "Quit stealing my lines. Get to the point."

Kotd: "We fight. We help you kill bad men."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Next up, the return of the nearly dead Steward's son and the attack on Minas Tirith.

[Damrod]

I saw some of this thread, so I thought I'd try my hand at this, just a little bit. It got addictive though. I'll try posting it.
-~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~

Guard: Open the gate! Quick!

The gate opens, revealing a horse, dragging a pincushioned Faramir behind it.

Guard 1: Why was he being dragged? Wouldn't it have been easier to ride?

Guard 2: Aye, that's odd.

Angry Wounded Faramir: That......bloody........horse........

Guard 3: (shocked) Lord Faramir!

Cut to Pelennor, Gothmog is inspecting the orcs.

Gothmog: Lovely day, isn't it?

Orc:Yes, Moggy, Lovely. The White City looks absolutely gorgeous.

Gothmog: Ah, and the helms of the tower guards are shining. They look so gallant!

Orc: Well, your warg seems quite fierce, my lord!

Gothmog: Yes, isn't he! Usually he's wearing something a bit more festive, but that Witch-King fellow said it wouldn't be appropriate.

Orc: I'm not sure I like him. He's always so, well, mean. All doom and gloom. I heard he was a man once too! Er...anyway a lovely day.

Gothmog: Once this war business is over, I think I'll-

Orc 2: Uhh...My lord...the camera, it's-(whispers in Gothmog's ear)

Gothmog: Uhuh, uhuh....this whole time? Oh. Oh dear. Ummm...er, ah,
TAKE NO PRISONERS! WE SHALL FEAST ON MAN-FLESH TONIGHT! YEAH!

(Orcs cheer)

Gothmog:Oh, dear.

Back to the city, Faramir is borne on a stretcher to his father.

Denethor: Faramir!!!

Guard: Oh no, not again. He was mad enough when Boromir died...

Denethor: Say not that he has fallen...

Guard: Well, my lord, this is a shock to everyone in the fair city. He and his comrades were outnumbered a thousandfold by entrenched troops.

Denethor: What idiot ordered this suicide assault!?

(awkward pause)

Denethor:Oh yeah...anyway, got to get to the pyre.

Guard (to companion): He loves his kids a lot more after they're dead.

Guard 2: You know what would make this scene better?

Guard 3: hm?

Guard 2: If we borrowed from that Monty Python sketch, the "I'm not dead yet" one. (chuckles)

Guard 3: No, they already used it.

Guard 2: Oh. How about the "You shall not have died in vain" one?

Guard 3: They used that one too.

Guard 2: Where?

Guard 3: Earlier in the thread.

Guard 2: The what?

Guard 3: Uh...never mind.

[Oddwen]

Scene: Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli are camping for the night. The Dead glow greenly around them.

KotD: Buncha pansies. Don't know why you need rest every night.

Legolas: Tell me about it.

Aragorn: Legolas, pay attention to this map I'm drawing. There's no way we can make it to Gondor on time on foot, so we'll have to hijack a pirate ship or something.

Gimli: Can't the Dead fly or something? Why don't we send them on ahead?

KotD: That's true, we do have some dead eagles at our command, we could have them drop you right into the city...

Aragorn: No. Their part in the story is over. We're doing it my way. Who's got the magic sword? Who's finally reclaimed his destiny? That's right, me.

Legolas: It's not magic, really.

Aragorn: Oh yeah? I beat a dead guy with centuries-old rusted sword with it. I don't know what you call that if not "magic".

Gimli: 'Tis true. Verily and hearken to my Dwarvish Tale!

(Everyone groaned except Legolas, whose permanent expression of confusion deepened)

(Gimli dug in his pack and pulled out his spare lute, spent several moments tuning it, and struck a bright chord with an opening "La!")

Gimli:

La!

Oh listen up beardlings to my sorry sorry tale
Without a rock to be seen, nor gold, nor a nail

It's a story about a sword that was steel
And a Dwarf who grinds up elves' bones for his meal!

Telchar was a famous Dwarven smith
He made famous weapons to kill bad guys with

He made a famous dragon hat, and a butter knife that pried a jewel
From another famous hat, the one that Morgoth wore when he ruled!

He made a famous sword and Narsil was its name,
It was super-duper enchanted, that's what gained it lasting fame!

Telchar warned the owner greatly,
Warned him long bord'ring on berating,
"If e'er evil touches the hilt, t'will be YOUR blood that is spilt!"

Poor Narsil was mistreated, its powers used for ill
Its bearer chopped up little kids his belly for to fill

So Telchar took his magic hammer, and then set it on fire
And brought it down upon the skull of the man who drew his ire!

"Alas!" lamented Telchy, who to his chagrin and his shame,
Bestowed poor mistreated Narsil on the brother of the same!

But this ownership lasted not as long as before,
Telchar soon made sure that THIS bearer was no more.

So Telchar set good Narsil upon his highest shelf,
Forgetting that it was an easy reach for any elf.

So when Telchar left his workshop to get himself some lunch,
A elven thief crept inside, and of weapons stole a bunch.

Dun dun dun!

When the Dwarf-smith returned after stuffing his bearded face
He stared in shock and horror at the brand-new empty space!

He tore his beard in fury, forgetting even the fire in his forge
He'd get revenge on that darn thief, he swore and swore and swore!

So taking only his magical fiery hammer that he'd happened to have in his hand,
He pursued his foe across the months, and trees, and cows, and land.

At last one day he caught up with the guy who broke-and-entered,
Aimed his hammer at his head and cackled as he centered.

The elf pleaded and cried, laid the sword down as he sighed,
"I guess that my gorgeous face will be forgotten, once I've died"

Telchar paused momentarily,
And took a closer look to see what he could see.

"Hubba, mister," Telchar softly set her fiery hammer down
And hand in hand together, they walked to the nearest town.

Their marriage lasted long enough, for those of you who keep track of this sort of thing
Just long enough for Telchar to forge her great-great-granddaughter's wedding ring.

Narsil was handed down from generation to generation,
When the dwarven blood was finally bred out, it caused quite a sensation.

The elves cried "Narsil is ours! There is no dwarf-blood left!"
The dwarves replied "And this we cry! We'll give it to no elf!"

So wars began, and death begun, lives spun out and died
In secret Telchar's children stole Narsil and put it somewhere to hide.

No sign of the super-magical sword was ever found,
'Til Elendil fought that famous war and Isildur his own bane found.

But poor Narsil, the strain was too much, it cried in pain and broke,
But with its dying ring it cut a ring from the hand of that Sauron bloke.

Narsil's body was laid to rest, at least we think that's so,
For this tale doesn't tell anymore, because no more do we know!

La!

(With a final "La!" of Finishing, Gimli sat down and would say no more about Narsil)

Gimli: I wish you could hear it in its original Dwarvish, it loses something in the retelling.

Aragorn: Like the listener?

Legolas: ...wow. That was educational. I've learned to cut out the tongue of any Dwarvish bard I happen to meet.

KotD: It was told differently in my day.

Anduril: *sniff* Too true, too true...

[Damrod]

I considered writing a serious, thoughtful post for the Books forum, but thought better of it. We go now to the highest circle of Minas Tirith...

Denethor: My son is dead. My line is ended...

Faramir: Dad, seriously! you're embarassing me!

Pippin: (checks Faramir's pulse) I think he's alive!

Denethor: The House of Stewards has failed.

Pippin: (to Guards of the Fountain) Can't you do somehing? He's not dead!

Guard: Sorry, we're busy. We've got to keep this withered tree under constant guard. And anyway, it's kind of funny.

Denethor: My line has ended.

Pippin: I know who could help us-Beregond! Now, where has he gotten off to?

*Peter Jackson steps into shot.*

PJ:Pip, about that...I'll tell you later. O.K., let's take it from 'My line has ended'.

Cameraman: Pete, you didn't say cut. We're still rolling.

PJ: Eh, whatever. Just keep going. I'll have the VFX people turn me into something awesome. I'll put it in the Extended Edition. *exits*

Fountain Guard: Haven't we just done that 'the cameras are still on' gag?
(points at me)
You're a terrible scriptwriter! I'll—

Guard 2:Enough! What about the epic battle scene?! Get on with it!

Faramir: Get on with it!

Gandalf: Get on with it!

Orc Horde: Get on with it!

Denethor: My line has ended...

Guard: (muttering) we've gotten that far...

*Denethor looks out over the ledge. He happens to spot Sauron's army. The 250,000 orcs are formed to spell out 'BOO!'

Denethor: Ah! Abandon your posts! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Muttering Soldier: to where?

*Gandalf appears from nowhere and institutes a quick regime change.*

Gandalf: They say you should be a sage. They say you shouldn't interfere. But sometimes you just have to sneak up on an old man and bludgeon him with a stick.

Fountain Guard: The grey wanderer has just knocked the lord we have sworn unswerving fealty to unconscious. What do you think we should do?

Fountain Guard 2: Let's wait a bit, and then help him roast himself and his dying son alive on a pyre.

Fountain Guard: Sounds like a plan.

NEXT UP: Certain characters enact another one of the stirring adaptions from book to film, I think.

[lothlorien]

I wrote a new part

Gandalf: Quick to battle and certain death everyone (Gandalf rides towards the outer defenses. And sees everyone is reluctant to do what he says)

Gandalf: What’s wrong with you people you act like you’ve never had an assault on Mina’s Tirith before

Soldier: They’re a bit down sir

Gandalf: Down. There isn’t time to be down we…I mean you have to fight

Random soldier: Sir maybe if you gave the men a pep talk

Gandalf: Right then now I know some of you might be a bit concerned about dying because we’re seriously outnumbered. Well you should be. but what you have to remember is that we’re the good guys we’re not meant to die

Boromir: I did

Gandalf: Well most of us. He’s the exception…wait he’s not even dead (Boromir coughs nervously)

Boromir: Um yes I am

Gandalf: Come on to the wall defend the wall. *points in the opposite direction* you know it’s over there

(the soldiers reluctantly get up and go to defend the wall, there are a couple of seconds with soldiers and civilians rushing about in confusion.)

Gandalf: Return to your posts!

(He reaches the outer wall, and sees the oncoming army.)

Gandalf: WHOA that’s a big army, how am I supposed to win against all that?. Oh well I’ll improvise

(The Gondorian soldiers begin hurling large rocks and pieces of buildings towards the Orcs with trebuchets.)

Gothmog: Stay where you are, we’ve seen scarier things at home.

Soldier: Watch out! (A rock flies towards the outer wall, flinging several people off of the wall.)

Gandalf: Oohh that had to hurt

Soldier: Down to the lower level. Quick!

(One flung rock comes hurtling towards Gothmog, who having taken dance classes earlier in life neatly leaps aside at the last minute. Suddenly he realized all the orcs were staring at him in disbelief, He spat on it and the battle continues as normal)

Soldier: Did you see what I did

Gandalf: Yes I give him a 9.5

Soldier: Right

(The Nazgûl on their fell beasts then arrive, and strike terror in the hearts of the Gondorian soldiers, by picking up random Men and dropping them. Pippin appears, holding his ears with his hands, to block out the sound of the Nazgûl cries.)

(Gandalf yells at the warring soldiers)

Gandalf: Don’t get discouraged now. Keep fighting strong, Stay where you are


Gandalf: Hold them back. Do not give into fear! Stay at your posts!

Gandalf: Oohh those things, hit those um what do you call them? Big things, they move

(The siege towers are nearly at the wall.)

Soldier: Siege towers

Gandalf: No although they’re big too

Soldier: (nervously) Uhh trolls

Gandalf: That’s it. trolls, hit them

(The archers aim for the indicated target, they fire and miss, a mass of arrows go awry and hits a random lot of orcs)

Gandalf: (to the archers) Not at the towers. Aim for the Trolls! Kill the Trolls!

(The siege towers connect with the walls, and Orcs begin swarming in. Gandalf sees Pippin coming down the stairs towards him.)

Gandalf: Fool of a took go back to the Citadel! Let me handle this

Pippin: They called us out to fight

(An Orc heads towards Pippin, and Gandalf heads it off, killing it.)

Gandalf: This is not the place for you, nor any hobbit. Do as I say

(The Wizard fights off several more Orcs, but one comes up behind him while he is busy fighting another Orc. Pippin stabs the Orc just as it is going to hit Gandalf.)

Gandalf turns and upon seeing the Orc lets out a loud girly scream)

Pippin: I killed it

Gandalf: Oh uh right ahem, Guard of the Citadel indeed. Now, back! Up the hill! Quickly! Quick!

(Huge creatures pull the massive battering ram, Grond, towards Minas Tirith. It is shaped like a giant wolf, with flames licking inside its mouth.)

Armies of Sauron: (chanting) Pizza, pizza, pizza (orc general scratches his head in confusion)

General: I don’t think that’s the right chant, try again

Armies of Sauron: (chanting) Grond! Grond! Grond!

General: Ah that’s the one

(Gandalf looks down from the wall with great concern.

Gandalf: Oh this can’t be good

Well that’s it from me the next part should be back with Frodo and Gollum

[Oddwen]

Only seven months later...that's not too bad, right? Er... >.>

Scene: The Three Walkers are standing, smugly prepared to board the entire Corsair fleet.

)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)

*Aragorn and Gimli stand at the shoreline, staring at Legolas who is floating upside down in the air*

Gimli: Is there really any need for that?

Legolas: You should try it sometime. It's quite restful.

KotD*whining*: Can I put him down now?

Aragorn: Hmm...*he strokes Anduril*...I guess so.

*KotD throws Legolas on the ground and stalks back to the rest of the Dead*

Legolas: Ouch! Well, that undid any possible bit of good that could possibly have been good.

Aragorn(to the Corsairs): You may go no further. You may not enter Gondor.

*The Corsairs pause for a moment before bursting out into loud, ribald, jocular and fruity laughs.*

Captain: And, pray tell, who are you to order us about?

Bosun: Why are we even talking to them? Why don't we just shoot them now?

Captain: No...I feel a need to talk to them.

Bosun: By "need," do you mean a trifling need? Fleeting? As in, say, a passing fancy?

Captain: No, a resolute and unyielding need.

*Legolas finds himself staring at the wheelman, for his stupid, ugly, girlish, stupid, posing, scrawny, stupid, hammish, and perpetually befuddled face looks familiar*

Aragorn: Legolas, fire a warning past the bosun's ear.

*Legolas takes aim, but at the last second Gimli whacks him in the kneecap with the flat of his axe. Legolas screams and misses the bosun entirely, smacking the wheelman smack in the heart*

Wheelman: Aiiaghh!

Bosun: Nice Wilhelm.

Wheelman: ...thanks...*dies*

The Crew(advancing toward the wheelman): Part of the ship, part of the crew, part of the ship, part of the crew...

Captain: None of that now.

The Crew: Fine.

Aragorn: Dangit...try again, Pansy, and don't kill anyone this time.

*Legolas, through his tears and above his blubbering, fires another shot into the Corsairs, this time hitting the captain square between the eyes*

Captain: You will always remember this as the time you almost killed Captain Ja-*dies*

Aragorn(visibly upset): What is WRONG with you?? You're an elf, your aim is supposed to be perfect! I don't know why I continue traveling with you!

Gimli: Aragorn carries a heavy burden...Gimli knows. The elf...he's always watching. He wants your necklace...very soon he will ask you for it...he will try to take it from you...

Aragorn: Huh? Anyway. Goodbye foul Corsairs, we are going to kill you.

Bosun: You and whose army?? Heh, I've always wanted to say that...not cheesy and overused and out-of-place at all...

Aragorn*whispering*: This army.

Bosun: What?

Aragorn: This army.

*all the Corsairs lean forward in the boat* What?

Aragorn: This army.

Corsairs: WHAT??

KotD & the Dead: BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!

Corsairs: AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!

Gimli(jumping up and clapping): Yay! Yippee! Oh, the carnage! I want that ship for mine! No, I want that ship!

Legolas(clutching his leg): Which one has the new kneecaps on it?

Aragorn(to the retreating Dead): Where do you think you're going?

KotD: To rest, of course. We fulfilled our oath.

Aragorn: Nu-uh. Nothing doing. Do you expect us three to ride on to the city alone? Hah! Maybe if I had, oh, say, thirty-odd of my stout, studly, stubbly kinsmen and a couple more elves by my side to fight, but I ain't letting you go just yet.

*the Dead sag and moan, but Aragorn waves Anduril threateningly, and they slump toward the boats*

(p(p(p(p(p(p(p(p(p(p(

And the next scene is: Frodo and Gollum entering Cirith Ungol.

[Oddwen]

Only five months...that's even more of an improvement...sorta...


-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Scene: Frodo and Gollum entering Cirith Ungol

Frodo: *pant pant* That was a LOT of stairs, Smeagol.

Gollum: Good things that we had that stair-master in our dark, deep pool under the mountains, gollum!

Frodo: *wheeze* Not sure leaving Sam behind was such a good idea now, he could have carried me that last mile...

Gollum: Oh no, you made the right choice, Master. Unless we coulds have pushed him off of this ledge here...but enough! Master must go inside the tunnel. You knows, precious, in order to come out the other side where you wishes to be.

Frodo: Now that I'm here, I'm not sure I want to go in.

Gollum: *facepalm* Really, Master? After those ten miles of stairs? You couldn't have changed your mind during that? This is the only way. There is no going back!

Frodo: I can't go back.

Gollum: Thanksss you, Master Obviouses. Gollum!

Frodo: Eugh! What's that smell?

Gollum: Well Master, you haven't been in any enclosed spaces in a while, and baths have been few and far between...nice baths! Hey, I haves an idea - RUN THIS WAY!

*Gollum scampers off, cackling and giggling. He ducks down a tiny side tunnel and peers back the way he came*

Gollum: *muttering* You'll see, precious, you'll see!

Frodo: See what?

Gollum: Ahh! Uh, Master, what...

Frodo: You're not trying to lose me, are you Smeagol? You didn't forget that I'm a Hobbit and used to live in Brandy Hall, a Hobbit hole which makes this place look like a ditch, did you?

Gollum: Uhh, err, no of course not, nice Master...let's...continue, then...

*Meanwhile, back down several long, long miles of stairs...*

Sam: *sniffling* Poor Mister Frodo, poor skinny Gamgee...whoops!

*Samwise slips, and plummets twenty miles to his death!! Oh no wait, he catches himself on a handy step. Go figure*

Sam: What's this? The elven bread! Yum! *scarfscarf*

*Sam eats the lembas bread, and flexes his muscles to show off his anchor tattoo. He leaps back up the stairs two at a time crying...*

"I'm Samwise the Gardener Hobbit!
I'm Samwise the Gardener Hobbit!
Not a warrior elf,
Or a filthy handed tark,
I'm Samwise the Gardener Hobbit!"

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

That's all I'm good for right now - the next scene would be the fight with Shelob. See you in three months.

[Oddwen]

Hurrah, right on schedule! :D *

^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^

Scene: Frodo and Gollum traversing Cirith Ungol.

*Frodo and Gollum have been traversing the paths of Cirith Ungol for some hours*

Frodo: ...and that's when I kissed a cake of soap. I say, Smeagol, shouldn't we be out of these tunnels by now?

Gollum: No no master, we're not out yet, not by long shotsss!

Frodo: Well, it's only that we've been travelling in a circle, you see. According to my Hobbit senses, we should take this tunnel and we would come outside in a matter of minutes.

Gollum: Oh no, massster, just a bit more this way and we'll come out! (I hopes!)

Frodo: Well forget that. I'll just pull my handy Phial out of my pocket, and...good eatings, it's sticky! What is it?? Oh, just some gum. I knew I still had it somewhere...

Voice of Galadriel: And to you, Ringbearer, I give the light of Earendil, our most beloved star. May it be a light for you when all other lights go out.

Frodo: Agh!

Gollum: Shhhh, precious, not so loud!

Orc Voice: Did you 'ear that? It came from this way!

Orc Voice 2: Yeah, we've caught something in the Circle Tunnel Trap!

Orc Voice: Something female!! Let's get it!

Gollum: Master?

Frodo: Yes?

Gollum: I'm wearing a skirt.

Frodo & Gollum: AAAAGH! *they run*

*they run*

*they run*

*they run*

Frodo: Smeagol, this way?

Gollum: Oh, right!

*they run*

*finally, they enter the less-dimly lit outside, the beginnings of the land of Mordor. Frodo is exultant, thinking that he lost their pursuit*

Frodo(skipping ahead): WHEE! YIPPEE! I'M IN MORDORRRR!

Gollum: Finally he's distracted, precious. Time enough at last for our Last Dalliance!

*Gollum turns to go, but as he turns his thick glasses fall off and break on the stones. He weeps and cries how it's not fair...no no wait, he creeps down into a hole in the rocks*

Frodo(surveying the cold, harsh lands, jumping up and down and clapping): Yippee! The hardest part of the journey is over! Yay! Woo...oh, hello Sam! Welcome back!

Samwise: Hello, Mister Frodo! Say, did you know you could be heard from a mile away?

Frodo: Oh, oops. Well, I wasn't shouting anything important. It shouldn't matter.

*a huge spider falls on his head*

Sam: AAUGH! Eww! I'm coming Mr. Frodo, I'm *gack*

Gollum: Stupid fast hobbit! But I've got you now *gack*

Sam: *gack*

Gollum: *gack!*

Sam: *gack!*

Gollum: *gack!*

Sam: HIIII-YA!


^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^

* Well, I've had this half-scene typed up for a week without posting it - I don't know where to go with it so I'll post it and maybe someone can get some use out of it, or I can come back to it.

The next scenes, unless you wish to re-do this one, are the Rohirrim coming nearer to Gondor, and the Pyre of Denethor.

[Oddwen]

Three years and five months later, Oddwen enters the scene.

She hasn't seen the movies in a very very long time.

Think this'll be finished before it's time to do The New Hobbit script?

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

EE: The Rohirrim prepare for battle.

Eomer: Our scouts are back. Minas Tirith is surrounded and the first two levels are on fire.

Theoden: Thus it was truly said, "Thye wymmen and chyldrene fyrste".

Eomer: Ooooookay. One more thing to utterly change when I am king. The enemy is advancing.

Eowyn: Do not worry, Merry. It will soon be over.

Merry: *re-re-re-counting his ammunition rounds* Huh? Oh, yeah, with this baby at my side it will be. *patpat* So um, you're like pretty and stuff? And like, everyone likes you, and I know I'm just a hobbit...and there may be no hope for a lot of people in the following days. If I were a knight of Rohan, I'd ride my brave, unwashed self to the rescue of my friends...

Eowyn: Uh, you're not my type.

Merry: What?

Eomer: Hey Eoreds, are you ready to rock?

Eoreds: YEAH!!

Eomer: Are you ready to roll?

Eoreds: YEAH!!!!

Eomer: Are you ready to rock and roll?

Eoreds: YEAHHHHH!!!!

Eomer: Then let's gooo!

(All Eoreds begin to rock back and forth and roll around on the ground. Eomer is confused)

Theoden: ...yeah, they'll do that. Don't ever tell them that again. All right then Eoreds, listen up! NO! SLEEP! TIL GONDOR!

(The Eoreds get up and look at each other horsishly [they know nothing of sheep] and get ready to move out)

Eowyn: Welp. To battle!

Merry(relishing the words): At last, to battle! MWA-HA-HA-HA!

And not bothering to stifle his maniacal laughter, he mounts up behind Eowyn and rides off into the dark.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

The next scene would be the Pyre of Denethor.