ME jokes and funny stories

[HerenIstarion]

Well, methinks it would be fun smilies/smile.gif In this thread ME related jokes and funny stories are to be posted . Here we go:

* * *

Elrond, Gandalf and some elves sitting near the hearth at Rivendell. Sound of steps from the roof, coughs, swearing. Then a ring falls into the hearth. Gandalf:
“Don’t you worry, chaps, that’s Frodo practicing”

* * *

When Ar-Pharazon’s fleet approached Aman, Valar laid down their authority and applied to Eru:
- What is to be done, oh the One?
- Make the sea swallow Numenor, and paint Sauron green
- But why green?
- I knew that the first one would not meet any objections at all

* * *

Once Celeborn was beating his wife. Gimli, hearing her cries, took his battleaxe and rushed to her aid. When he came back to his senses with a horrible head-ache, he asked:
- What happened to me?
- You felt the power of the Lord of of the Galadhrim, answered Haldir

* * *

Before the beginning of time Eru asked Melkor:
- Whom you want to be, o Ainu?
- I wanna be a warlord
- But the Enemy may beat you
- Than I wanna be an Enemy


* * *

Bilbo sailing to Valinor: “how old I am now, gollm, gollm... er, I mean, eh, eh”

* * *

Pippin in the battle at the gate of Mordor: “Goats, Goats are coming”
“This one also was watching Palantir-night shows” – thought Gandalf

* * *

Saruman sitting in Orthanc amidst a dirty pool. Gandalf passing by:
“What happened? Ents again?”
“not ents. Plumbers”

* * *

Lo! Lords and knights and men of valour unashamed, kings and princes, and fair people of Gondor, and Riders of Rohan, and ye sons of Elrond, and Dúnedain of the North, and Elf and Dwarf, and greathearts of the Shire, and all free folk of the West, now listen to my lay. For I will sing to you of Beren of the One and, Frodo of the Nine Fingers, Sauron of the One Eye, Samwise the Brainless and other cripples and maims of Middle-Earth...

* * *

“Nice-ss-s fis-s-sh” hissed Smeagol climbing down to water
“Fatty Smeagol” – thought piranhas gathered near the bank, but their hope was vain...

* * *

Minas-Anor at the begining of the 4th age. Tiny black-skinned creature runs to and fro with a tiny golden ingot in hand and yells: “I’m a Lord here, obey me”
But nobody believes it...

* * *

A pillar near nargothrond with an engraved announcement:
“Talking lizard draconius glaurungus escaped from Angband Zoo. Please return if found. Don’t keep, don’t feed– an animal is ill (Megalomania)”

[ August 17, 2002: Message edited by: HerenIstarion ]

[ August 29, 2002: Message edited by: HerenIstarion ]

[Aroaraniel]

Haha! Hilarious!

[burrahobbit]

How do you keep Samwise in suspense?

[Nevfeniel]

Heehee, I liked the first one best, HerenIstarion. smilies/biggrin.gif

[HerenIstarion]

heh, Burra, nice sig.

another one:

When in Sammath Naur Frodo claimed Ring for his own, and announced himself a Master of it, he said in a deep voice:
- Now we can play a fool for a bit

It is reported that Sauron was cast from wall to wall in his tower for more than two hours

[Starbreeze]

Hehe, they are very funny! I wish I could come up with things like that, I guess I'm just not a very funny person!

[Lady_Galadriel]

Haha! smilies/biggrin.gif Those are great! I like the first one, and the one about plumbers! Those are the best!

[HerenIstarion]

new entries:

* * *

Gandalf grumbling climbs up the Endless Stair:
“what a bad taste in jokes this Legolas has. Just imagine me walking on a narrow bridge and him yelling “Balrog , Balrog”


* * *

Gimli: Gandalf, you are white now!
Gandalf: Yes, son of Gloin, deep is the abyss that is spanned by Durin's Bridge, and mighty are the chalk-fields at the bottom of it…

[HerenIstarion]

For a month after the battle with Balrog Gandalf had no news of the world, so he was very puzzled when he got rumours of Dark Lord's diminishing in stature and feet hair growth.

[Lady_Galadriel]

In geometry our teacher was reading the days lesson aloud to us when farther down the page we came to tiny little drawings. There was a question following.
"Which of these has the characteristics of an ork?" Honestly thats what it said!!! All of us lotr-freaks were sitting in a corrner and pointing to one another then to the book and laughing. it was werid..

[dark_one]

Ha ha ha ha ha those were good!!! I liked the one w/ Eru and Melkor and the other one about painting Sauron green. smilies/smile.gif

[HerenIstarion]

9 worms are crowling beneath the feet of Midolluin. Not far away newly rebuilt gates of Minas Anor are gleaming in the sun. One of the worms applies to another, who's wearing a golden crown:
- Com'on, Angmar, let us dig under Aragorn
- Hush, don't you remember how we tried to dig under Gandalf?

[HerenIstarion]

Gimli: Dear Sam, today your cooking was extraordinary...
Sam (blushing): Really?
Gimli: Yeah, even [i[my[/i] stomach rises...

* * *

Gimli is visiting Legolas in Mirkwood. On the wall of elf’s chamber there is a hide of fell beast hanged
Gimli: whoa, Lego, how many arrows did you spend to get this thing?
Legolas: 47
Gimli: And how many times did you hit it?
Legolas: never
Gimli: yet how did you manage to kill it?
Legolas: It suffocated because of laughter


* * *

“What a cracked idea – set a hedge in a cellar! What for?” Thought drunken Bilbo walking around the barrel in Thrandul’s cellar

[Arwen Imladris]

hee hee! These are good!

[akhtene]

How would you like that?
A Nazgul comes to Hobbiton and asks:
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left.
The next day he comes and asks again:
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left. Don’t know when he’ll be back.
The next day
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left. If you don’t stop haunting me, I’ll call Gandalf!
On the fourth day the Nazgul comes again and asks
-Is Gandalf here?
-No,- answers the perplexed hobbit
-And baggins?
####################
The beginning of the Fourth Age. Some hobbits are sitting in a clearing drinking beer. From the bushes there darts Frodo madly shouting ‘Nazgul!!!’ The company scatter in all directions. When everyone calms down and gets out of the bushes, Frodo is nowhere to be seen. And neither are beer and snacks…
####################
Once Merry and Pippin indulged in elven liquor and made a row. The next day they woke up on the ruins of Isengard. And don’t you blame the Ents, that’s that!

[Nilwen]

How many hobbits does it take to change a light bulb?.......None .Thay don't have light bulbs.
Thats stupid I know.

[HerenIstarion]

hya Akhtene, we drink from the same well there, I surmise smilies/smile.gif

[akhtene]

Most probably. "Kulichki", right?

[Arwen1858]

akhtene, I loved those!!!
Arwen

[HerenIstarion]

not only, but yes, definitely smilies/smile.gif

[HerenIstarion]

Archery Contest in Mirkwood. Tall, but slender elf comes out with a medium bow, bends it sends an arrow right into the aplle of the mark
"I'm Legolas" proclaims he and goes back to his seat

Another one, still taller and kingly looking, approaches the spot, bends his large bow and hits the feather of Legolas' arrow, which is torn apart

"I'm Thranduil" Cries he out loudly and goes back to his seat

Third one comes out. One of the astonishing height, large limbs and enourmous breast. He bends his gigantic bow, sends an arrow size of a log which hits Thranduil, knocks him over and drags Legolas who happens to be seated right behind deep into the forest.

Third elf looks up and roars:

"I'm Sorry"
...and goes back to his seat

[akhtene]

As you know, Finwe had three sons. Feanor was the most skillful and eloquent; Fingolfin – firm and valiant; Finarfin – fair and wise. If there had been a FOOL among them – the tale would have had a HAPPY END.
####################

-How did elves call Morgoth?
-They didn’t call him. He came by himself.
####################

Who said that Smaug drowned? The Loch-Ness monster is still alive, so why should Smaug be dead?
####################

-Knock-knock!
- Who’s there?
- Do you want the ring, my preciousssss?
- Nooo!
In the morning Bilbo wakes up with a thick head, but the Ring is gone…

[HerenIstarion]

lol

alas, but Morgoth came by himself indeed

[HerenIstarion]

new entries:

***

Among the ents Sam was known as a gifted barber

***

'Well, what may you be doing here, bum-burarum?'
Asked Fangorn
'Nothing! Leastways I was just trimming the grass-border…'
Those were the last wors of Sam Gamgee…

***

In the Internet-cafe “Prancing Pony” some of the PCs were supplied with Windows 98 special edition – RoundWindows ™ 98 -
just in case hobbits came along...


***

[HerenIstarion]

***
When Beorn was young, he was quite thin, bald, cachetic and undersized, But once he fell into the Entwash...

***

Two doctors in an asylum:

Doctor #1: And this here chap is our gravest case - he thinks he's an elf
Doctor #2: I can't believe he's incurable!
Doctor #1: Do believe me, he's here since 1645, and still there is no improvement, no imrovement at all!

***

Imrahil comes up to Minas-Tirith walls. There is disorder and panic there.

Imrahil: What's the matter?
Some soldier: We've heard rumours, Lord, that Rohirrim are coming,
Imrahil: So it is a good news, what are you scared of?
Soldier: They say that when the Riders come from Rohan each would bring behind him a halfling warrior, small maybe, but hard, bold, and wicked. And that on top of those here orks and haradrim! May the Valar turn them aside...

***

Elrond complains to Galadriel:

E: Crazy ways of my daughter will break my heart. She refuses to go to the West, and weeps for this Aragorn guy all the time. What have I sinned to deserve it?
G: Don't you worry, Elrond, dear, it's just awkward age of hers. Wait couple of millenia, it will heal itself, you'll see

***

cheers

[HerenIstarion]

The following one refers to movie version (and actually was concerned with crocodiles, to be honest :))

So:

Gandalf on Caradhras raises his hands and starts murmuring

Aragorn: What is all about, Gandalf?
Gandalf: I'm scaring Crebain away!
Aragorn: But there are no Crebain this high!
Gandalf: Exactly, As I'm very good at scaring them away!

[One of the Nine]

All these are funny! But, alas, I am not the funny type and am otherwise incapable of making such merriment. Although, I am known, not so fondly at that, to meddle with minds and confuse the unaware. :D Keep the jokes flowing, though!

[HerenIstarion]

Trolley-bus is a carrier devised by Morgoth in mockery of an Ento-bus

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

So a fork is made in the mockery of felves?

[HerenIstarion]

But yes! Its mere shape is a hint at cruelty of its essense...

'twas a good one, Nilpaurion, kudos! :D

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

You shouldn't really compliment him. His ego grows quite exponentially.

Hush, Adam. He said "kudos!"

The nine ships of the faithful were borne by a giant wave, and are carried to Middle-earth. Elendil, upon landing, said,

"I think I forgot my glasses back in Númenor."

[HerenIstarion]

- What is it: Huge, black, hairy, leggy, eats everything?
- It's a huge, black, hairy, leggy all-eating Ungoliant!

alternative answer: Shelob
another alternative: pig ;) (not the pink one, black one, :p)


***

Five steps to become a hero:

First, it is required to kill an elf - one's enemy. As the second step, it is recommended to kill another elf - one's freind this time. Third move is to fall in love with one's close relative, preferably sister, but cousins will do too, and marry them. And, of course, it is essential, as the fourth step, to stab some huge animal of the species on the brink of extinction. But one will not get anywhere unless one commits suicide as the fifth step.

Than one becomes a hero and qualifies for nice epitath on one's grave.

***

more to follow, folks

cheers for now

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

There is another step between the second and the third step. It's the step where someone is required to fall in love with the hero, preferrably an Elf. Some variants of horrible death may follow thereafter.

[The Perky Ent]

Here's one. It's not the best, but it's the best I can come up with for right now

Elf 1: I love being immortal
Elf 2: Nothing can kill us!
Elf 1: Actually, we can be killed by fire, metal, and a broken heart!
Elf 2: Oh...but that's it right?
Elf 1: Right
Elf 2: Whoo!

(later that day by the mirror of Galadriel)

Elf 2: Guess what Galadriel! Did you know we can't die! Isn't that cool!
Galadriel: You're 8,000 years old, and you just realized that?
Elf 2: Yeah, but we can die by fire, metal, and a broken heart! It's true watch!
(Elf 2 sticks his face in the mirror)
Elf 2: See! I'm not in fire, metal, or am broken hearted! I could do this for days!
Galadriel: Idiot, you're gonna run out of oxygen!
Elf 2: No i wo....*dead*
(Celeborn walks in)
Celeborn: Wow! So we can die of more than fire, metal, and a broken heart!
Galadriel: no, the water had lead poisoning in it!

[HerenIstarion]

It was funny, perky, it was :D

new entries:

***

The Lord of the Rings (a.k.a. Rocky VI) is a movie where a small time boxer Frodo Bilboa gets a once in a lifetime chance to fight the heavyweight champ in a bout in which he strives to go the distance for his self-respect


***

In the FA, Frodo was employed by ork ready-to-wear clothes company to advertise for them

***

One of the greatest chapters in the History of ME deals with deeds and doings of Joan d'Ork

***

cheers :)

[The Perky Ent]

new entry!


Aragorn: Gandalf, we must go back!
Gandalf: No (starts doing some magic against Gandalf)
Saruman: (doing magic) wha-- whoooo! (a gust of wind knocks him off the roof)
Saruman: Ahhh! I'm falling! I'm falling! Oh well, I'll fall into some nice trees! Wait, I cut the trees down! Noo! (Saruman falls into a forge and becomes completly metal)
orc: Are you alright my lord?
Saruman in a robotic voice: I'll be back, Gandalf!


****much later when gandalf comes back to Isengard****

Gandalf: I will take you of your power!
Saruman: Terminate! Terminate! Danger Will Robinson! Terminate!
(Gandalf shoots a magic blast at Saruman)
Saruman: I'll...be...back........in the threequil!

[The Perky Ent]

Here's this:

Gimli: Do, I can go to Valinor...right?
Legolas: Of course! Would I lie to you?
Gimli: No. Of course not! I won't bring it up again
Legolas: Good
*at the edge of the world, the boat doesn't cross on*
Gimli: Legolas? You know how I said I wouldn't bring it up?
Legolas: Yeah?
Gimli: I'm gonna take that back now!
Legolas: Ok

[HerenIstarion]

***

Bilbo and Frodo in Rivendell:

B: 'What’s become of my ring, Frodo, that you took away?’
F: ‘I have lost it, Bilbo dear, I got rid of it, you know.’
B: ‘What a pity! I should have liked to see it again. But no, how silly of me! (starts rummaging in his chest) Here! Lucky I've kept the original!


***

(With regards to chapter 07 discussion ;))

Tom Bombadil and Frodo in Tom's house:

F. How come you can see me with ring on?
T. (Putting off his glasses) Have you never heard of infrared binoculars, silly?

[Evisse the Blue]

LOL! and the first one as a contribution to the thread Mysterious 10th Bearer (http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showthread.php?t=10997). As in- Bilbo replaced the Ring with a fake one when he changed the chain in Rivendell. Aw, people, don't roll your eyes! :p

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Heres a bad one;
What is Dearon's favorate sweet (candy for all you americans out there)
Minstrels!
:D :eek: :confused:

[Morsul the Dark]

Here is my super-sad joke

Whats Gamling's hobby?

Gambling....

How did Gandalf the grey become gandalf the white?
He finally decided to wash the dirt of his cloak

another dumb one

how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha :( i tried

[HerenIstarion]

Two orks in Mordor

O1: It's quite boring down here
O2: Why won't we have fun with that hairy-feet halfling in the dungeon, than?
O1: Can't. The wretched rat dug up too many holes down there, no way of finding him. Says holes make him feel comfortable, dratted rabbit!

[The Perky Ent]

Good ones! Here's another:

Feanor: If you must break it, do it. But know I will kill myself and be the first of the Eldar to die
Manwe: Not the first
Feanor: What do you mean, not the first?
Manwe: You'll be the 23ed to spill your blood.
Feanor: Who died?
Manwe: Tons of elves at Formenos! Didn't you hear? The stock market collasped. Everyone was invested in SIL, and when Morgoth took the simarils, it crashed. There's been 21 suicides.
Feanor: 21? Who's the other person that died?
Manwe: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, your father died
Feanor: Morgoth! I'll kill him!
Manwe: Actually, he had a heart attack. Bad Cholesterol. Shame really
Feanor: This is turing out to be a really bad day

[HerenIstarion]

The Doors of Sauron, Lord of Mordor. Speak, foe, and clear off! Your pathetic incantations are pestering!

[The Perky Ent]

Or how about

The Walls of Isildur, Lord of Minas Tirith, speak seven, and enter

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

"In case you haven't noticed, you've got an arrow sticking out your back."

Ouch.

[The Perky Ent]

Seriously.


New Entry!

Luthien: Please bring Beren and me back to life!
Mandos: Hmm...I'm gonna have to ask my manager on that one. One sec
*goes into back room*
Mandos: Let's see here, where did I put that manuel. Hmm...ah! Here it is! Right under Gardening for dummies! I forgot to give that back to Lorien. Now, let's see here. Reviving the dead...reviving the dead....here! Let's see, you're gonna have to sing me a song!
Luthien: No problem! Here's we go....*voice cracks and is mute*
Mandos: Whadayaknow! Larengitis! How's that for luck. Well, call me if that ever goes away, but I doubt it. Thanks for comming. Do stop by again!
*Luthien gestures to manuel*
Mandos: What about the manuel? Something about Larengitis? Let's see...in the case that said reviver cannot sing, said person will be compensated with one soul
Luthien: *inaudible speak*
Mandos: So, who's it gonna be?
*Luthien tries to say Beren*
Mandos: What's that? Carcharoth, you say? Well ok! It's your life!
Carcharoth: Well, if it helps....you can have his hand?
Luthien: *nods*

After they all lived (after making some adjustments) happily ever after!

[The Perky Ent]

Sauron: Hello Gil-Galad!
*grabs Gil-Galad by the neck*
Sauron: I AM THE DARK LORD, WEILDING THE ONE RING! I AM ALL POWERFUL!
Gil-Galad: Um...Ow
*bursts into flames*
Gil-Galad: Um...ow
*starts raining*
Gil-Galad: Wow...that was lucky....

[HerenIstarion]

You know the difference between the bed-time tales elves and orks tell their children?

Elven tales begin with ‘once upon a time, in a fair kingdom far away...’, whilst orkish ones with ‘hey, little swine, you rats never gonna believe what ole’ snaga gonna tell ya, uglúk u bagronk sha pushdug tark-glob búbhosh skai...”


***

- There is a good tradition in Mordor to plant a tree every time ork child is born. Only, if child grows up and is ugly, they fell the tree
- So?
- So the Mordor is one good bulk of a desert...

***

- Good morning, Master Hamfast
- And good day to you, Mister Baggins, good day!
- Tell me, Master Hamfast, does your cow smoke pipe-weed?
- No, Mister Baggins, sir, she does not, but why may you be a-speaking such a thing, sir?
- Ah, there is a smoke coming out of a cow-shed, maybe there is a fire there, than...

[The Perky Ent]

lol :( Heren, Snaga reminds me of a lotta people. Down here in the south, there's lots of Cajun, and Snaga sounded sorta like it. "We gonna get thos gumbo and put it en da pot. Bring it down to the cocodrie. Latar, we'se bee fishin in the river the otda day...


Those were good though

Here's some more orc and elf bedtime stories.

Elves: They all lived happily ever after

Orcs: You know what? I'm tired and the story's close enough, so go to sleep before I make you go to sleep...permanently.

Elf children: I love that story!

Orc children: Do you think Grishnak will ever find his head?

[HerenIstarion]

Heren, Snaga reminds me of a lotta people

if they add uglúk u bagronk sha pushdug [name of the person]-glob búbhosh skai..., you have your ork, than ;)

[The Perky Ent]

Balrog: Roar! I shall kill you with my fiery fire!
Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire!
Balrog: Secret fire?
Gandalf: Weilder of the flame of Anor
Balrog: Flame of Anor?
Gandalf: The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udun?
Balrog: It won't? Ok!
*Balrog walks away*


Director: Cut! Cut! Balrog! You're suppost to try to use the fire anyways!
Balrog: But I thought he said?
Director: Never mind what he said! Just do it!
Balrod: But what about all that secret fire stuff? He sounds like a better fire person than me!
Director: Well...uh...just get back in place! TAKE 2
Assistant: This is Bridge of Khazad-dum! Take 2! Marker!

Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire! Weilder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire shall not avail you, Flame of Udun!
Balrog: Oh yeah? Take this!
Gandalf: *summons shield*
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
*Balrog steps and Bridge breaks*
Balrog: Ha! I have wings! I can fly!
Director: Actually, the majority says that you have wings but can't fly :D
Balrog: Well that sucks.....

[masterkiller]

:cool: that was super funny

[The Perky Ent]

Why thank you very much MasterKiller :D

[The Perky Ent]

Saruman: I created the Uruk-hai! I am all powerful! I have a big ego problem! Minor, less powerful or important orc whos name shall never be known, send in Lurtz!
Orcs: Yes master! *walks out* I don't know why I signed up for this! You don't have to put up for this in Mordor! Well Lurtz, Saruman wants you!
Lurtz: Ok, thanks! *kills minor, less powerful or important orc whos name shall never be known* You wanted to see me?
Saruman: It's time for your daily stamping and brain-washing! Whom do you serve?
Lurtz: I serve myself! Don't even try to stamp me! I'm a mercinary now, and I listen to no one!
Saruman: Fool! Obey me! *hits Lurts with staff*
Lurtz: I dare you to do that one more time...
Saruman: *takes a step foward*


How's that for a cliff-hanger?!?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

There stood the trolls: three large trolls. One was stooping, and the other stood staring at him.
Strider walked forward unconcernedly. "Get up, old stone!" he said, and broke his stick upon the stooping troll.
"Ouch. That hurts," said the stricken troll, and he turned towards Strider. "What did you do that for?"
The Ranger was flabbergasted. "How could you . . . " he stammered, as he pointed towards the sun.
"We're Olog-hai. Duh!" Then turning to his companions he said, "Guys, bring out the dough. We're having burrahobbit pie with roasted ranger on the side."

THE END???

Wow. That was disconcerting.

[lothlorien]

I had something strange happen today I had my music test it was basically about describing the music like the beat the rythm etc Anyway it was a listening test and the 4th question was on hope and memory from the return of the king.

Hee I was like alright I know when this is I know what scene this is in everyone was in shhh I was like "sorry but I know when this is" and my friend who doesn't like lord of the rings was like "OH NO"

[HerenIstarion]

Some centuries after the fall of Sauron. In Valinor, Celembrimbor (C) and Galadriel (G) converse:

C: Honey, you know, I've been reading one of those modern novels humans write in Hither Lands and we occassionaly get by Palantir transmissions...
G: So, dear, what bothers you?
C: There is a term applied to one of the heroes, I can't get what it may stand for. He acts strangely too... you know, visiting ladies by night, with a ladder! Funny, that. I looked it up in "Laws and Customs Among the Eldar", but could not find anything to match, you know...
G: Yes, dear, I'm listening?
C: And you are so wise, maybe you can explain things to me?
G: Of course, dear, don't be afraid to tell me, what troubles you?
C: Um, what is a 'lover'?
G: A 'lover'? Let me see, I seem to remember something... lover, lover, hm-mm... Ah, yes, I remember!

Galadriel runs swiftly to the wardrobe and jerks the door open.

G: Here, dear, this is the lover!

Indicating the small bearded skeleton crouched in the far corner of it...

***

Going back to the initial post, on page one:

Evening in Rivendell. Same company - Elrond, his council and Gandalf, some dozen people overall, by the hearth. Again, some coughs, muttering, swearing from the roof, some scrabbing in the chimney followed by some dozen of bright golden rings falling out.

Elrond: Surely, it's Frodo having his excercise again? Is it not a bit late? They set out tomorrow!
Gandalf: No, you forget it's Christmas. It's Santa Claus, he brought us presents according to our ultimate desire...

[Zebedee]

(Gandalf standing on bridge, Balrog coming)
Gandalf: I am a servent of the secret fire
Balrog: What secret fire.
Gandalf: Oops, gave it away, going to have to kill you now.


How many orcs does it take to change a light bulb?
12, one to threaten them with a Nazgul, one to screw it in, and ten to fight of Sauruman's Uruk-hai who have orders not to use it.

[The Perky Ent]

Aragorn: There it is! The Bridge of Khazad-Dum!
Legolas: Oh great!
Aragorn: Look! There's the Balrog from chapter 24!
Gandalf: What's he doing here?
Aragorn: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Khazad-Dum. He asks each traveller five questions--
Gimli: Three Questions
Aragorn: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Gimli: Three questions.
Aragorn: three questions, may cross in safety.
Legolas: What if you get a question wrong?
Aragorn: Then you are cast...into the Endless drop of Moria!!!!
Legolas: Oh, I won't go!
Gimli: Who's going to answer the questions?
Aragorn: Legolas!
Legolas: Yes?
Aragorn: Brave Sir Legolas, you go!
Legolas: Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Boromir go?
Boromir: Yes, le me go, my liege. I will take it singlehanded. I shall make a feint to the North-East, and then--
Aragorn: No, no, no...hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Gimli: Three questions--
Aragorn: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch...and pray!
Boromir: I understand, my liege.
Aragorn: Good luck, brave Sir Boromir! God be with you!
Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Boromir: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid!
Balrog: What is your name?
Boromir: My name is Sir Boromir of Minas Tirith!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Boromir: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is your favorite color?
Boromir: Blue.
Balrog: Right, off you go.
Boromir: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much.
Legolas: That's easy!
Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Legolas: As me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid!
Balrog: What is your name?
Legolas: Sir Legolas of Mirkwood!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Legolas: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is the capital of Cardolan?
Legolas: I don't know THAT!! AHHHHHHHHHH!
*The Balrog whips Legolas off the Bridge into the chasm*
Balrog: Stop! What is your name?
Gimli: Sir Gimli of Erebor!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Gimli: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is your favorite color?
Gimli: Blue! No...YELLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!
*Balrog whips Gimli off the Bridge into the chasm*
Balrog: Stop! What is your name?
Aragorn: It is Aragorn, Chieftan of the Dunedain!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Aragorn: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen fell-beast?
Aragorn: What do you mean? From Mordor, or Carn Dum?
Balrog: Huh? What? I...I don't know that! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Balrog slips off Bridge into the chasm*
Gandalf: How do you know the airspeed velocity of fell-beasts?
Aragorn: Well you have to know these things when your chieftan!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Very nice Perky!

[HerenIstarion]

... Sam can gather 5 pounds of bilberries in an hour, whilst Rosie can gather 4 pounds. But if they go to the forest to gather bilberries together, it does not necessarily follow that they will gather 9 pounds in an hour’s time...

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

How many Nazgul does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nine, one to screw it in and the rest to hunt down and destroy all lightbulbs...



How many orcs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Not known, they started fighting about who would screw it in...



How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, their staffs work just fine...



Ten Nazgul commandments:

Thou shalt not put "Roar if you think I'm Sexy' stickers on fell beasts...

Thou shalt not roar if thou seest a 'Roar if you think I'm sexy sticker'...

Thou shalt not call thy fell beast a 'ride' nor use the phrase 'If the fell beast be a rockin' don't come a knockin''

Thou shalt not laugh at orcs...

Thou shalt not push orcs into a river 'just for fun'...

Thou shalt not hit orcs 'to see what noise it makes'

Thou shalt not listen to 'Back in Black' before a battle...

Thou shalt not sell thy fell beast for a car because 'it's so much more pimp'...

Thou shalt not refer to orc seige towers as 'pimp wagons'...

Thou shalt not refer to Sauron as 'the big black pimp'

[Mithalwen]

The lightbulb ... well I had a theory in another forum that the menfolk of the Noldor would be the Elvish equivalent of husbands who spend their entire lives tinkering with inventions and gadgets in their shed. Now given that Feanor was the most gifted in craft of the Noldor AND had more childen than any other elf either, it seems probable that he was "shed-husband" par excellance, and liable to go completely over the top when Nerdanel wanted any little tasks done around the house - and produced the silmarils when what she really wanted was basically a light bulb;

Feanor "But look I have created the most marvellous gems in the world, made of unbreakable material, filled with the lights of the two trees.....blah, blah"

Nerdanel " I only said that would be good to have a lamp that wouln't set the house on fire if the kids knocked it over...... and they have all grown up while I hve waited for you to make those...."

I reckon the Palantiri were the result of him getting carried away when basically she just wanted a baby monitor.... :P

[Lindril Arvilya]

Scene: In Minas Tirith, Denethor has decided to finally take the war into his own hands....

Denethor: (typing madly on his laptop) I know! I'll hack into Sauron's database and find out exactly what he's got!
Gandalf: Denethor, he's got firewalls all around his-
D: Shut up Gandalf, I know what I'm doing!
G: No, Denethor, don't-
D: Crap! He's got me! This shouldn't have.... Faramir! What did you do to the computer?!
Faramir: (comes running in) I didn't touch the computer!
D: Shut up and help me!
F: Dad, if you'd only give me something other than that old Tandy, maybe I could-
D: If Boromir was here, he could have stopped this! Go use the MAC!
F: NOOOOOOO!

Cut to a shot of the Eye of Sauron... look closely. You think it's a pupil, but it's really..... the Apple symbol!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Here's one I thought up long ago.

What if Frodo was brought before Sauron?

Sauron was pacing the room, evidently annoyed at Frodo's defiant silence. "So! You refuse to speak before my dark majesty, halfling? Let us change that, then." However, he did not notice that a black scarf effectively prevented Frodo from articulating.

"Sir . . . " the Mouth of Sauron began, trembling, "if I may say so before Your Eternal Evil . . . "

"WHAT?!" boomed Sauron. "Speak!"

"I think the gag hinders his attempts at communication."

"Hmmm . . . yes. Remove it, then." The order was carried out with promptness that would have impressed Gandalf--never late, never early he is, right?

"Now, rat, speak! Where is . . . my preciousssss?"

"Ummm . . . your fly is open?" Frodo responded with what dignity left to him by his . . . erm . . . naked position?

"Haha. We Dark Lords never had flies. And add to that the fact that the zipper wasn't even invented yet. Now cut the crap and tell me where the noisy--yet irresistable--thing is, you
. . . "

Before Sauron could finish his derogative statement, Shelob, alerted to the presence of free repast, rushed to Barad-dûr at high speed, and climbed the high tower with ease. There, she broke the walls that protected the interrogation room. She snatched Sauron, then wrapped her in web before anyone in the room could say "The spiders are coming!"

Having finished incapacitating the Abhorred One, she returned to her lair. All in the room stood in utter silence, not so much in shock, but in fear that if anyone laughed, Sauron might come back to punish them.

But, seeing that Sauron would never return, all in the chamber began to roll in laughter.

"'Your fly is open.' Frodo, that's a good one!" the Mouth of Sauron managed to say between convulsive fits of laughter.

"Well, that was entertaining!" Ungoliant responded, as she put down the book she was reading, aptly titled How Shelob Brought Sauron Down.

I metta.

[Boromir88]

Denethor putting baby Boromir to bed....

Denethor: Let me sing you a lullaby.
Rock a by baby on the White tower...
(baby Faramir starts crying).
Denethor: Shut up and go to sleep, stupid wanton.

[Boromir88]

Following Perky's wonderful story from Monty Python, I had a bunch on "The Princess Bride," and "Monty Python" But I can only remember a few...

(At the Black Gates)
Aragorn: Give us the gate key.
Mouth of Sauron: I have no gate key.
Legolas: Gimli rip off his arms.
Mouth of Sauron: Oh you mean this gate key.

-----------

Isildur (to Sauron): Hello my name is Isildur, son of Elendil, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

----------
(Lurtz the immortal Black Uruk)

(Lurtz and Boromir engage in battle. Lurtz kills Boromir. Aragorn runs in.)
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I am King Aragorn, I must cross to my friend.
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you black uruk, but I must cross.
Lurtz: Then you must die.
(Start fighting, Aragorn chops off Lurtz's arm)
Aragorn: You are beaten.
Lurtz: Tis only a scratch.
Aragorn: A scratch! Your arms off!
Lurtz: I've had worse.
Aragorn: you've had...
(They engage in combat again. Aragorn throws knife into Lurtz's leg.
Aragorn walks away. Knife hilt hits him in the back of the head.)
Lurtz: Tis only a flesh wound.
Aragorn: You've faught bravely black uruk. But the fight is mine.
Lurtz: Come on you panzy!
(They engage in combat. Aragorn stabs Lurtz in the chest. Aragorn walks away again, but Lurtz trips him.)
Aragorn: What are you going to do bleed on me?
Lurtz: The Black Uruk always triumphs!
Aragorn: You're a looney. (chops off Lurtz's head and walks away.)
Lurtz: Come back here you yellow-bellied bas**rd! I'll bite your legs off!

I know this isn't exact but, I haven't seen the movie in ages, so bear with me :)

[HerenIstarion]

Sam in Golden Perch:

Sam: What's the price for just one drop of your finest beer, sir?
Inkeeper: um... what? One drop? Drop comes free, I suppose...
Sam: Very well :D, pour me out a pint of your finest by drops, than, please!

[narfforc]

1. The Dwarven book of Dating (Dis).

2. The Hobbit Diet Book (Dr Fatty Lumpkin) or The Fatkins Diet.

3. The Orkish Etiquette Book (Gorbag).

4. Advanced Mathematics for Trolls.

5. The Orkish Vegetarian Cookbook (Grishnakh).

6. The Art of Flying (Gothmog the Balrog).

7. Growing Potatoes (Smeagol).

8. Contraception (Sam Gamgee).

9. How to choose your Bride (Bilbo and Frodo Baggins).

10. Fire Safety (Denethor).

[narfforc]

Beorn walks into The Prancing Pony and says to Barliman Butterbur, "A pint of ale and............................................... ...................................a packet of crisps please", Butterbur replies, "Why the big Paws?".

[narfforc]

1. Rivercraft, Sailboats and Canoes (Drogo Baggins).

2. Swimming for Beginners (Primula Baggins).

3. Tree Conservation (Saruman of Many Colours).

4. Recipes for Fried Fish (Gollum).

5. Achieve results, through single-mindedness (Smeagol)
(That`s my book Preciousss, gollum gollum).

6. My part in the Battle of the Last Alliance (King of the Dead).

7. Taking care of your body (Witch-King of Angmar).

8. Glaucoma for Sufferers (The Eye of Sauron).

9. Halitosis for Sufferers (The Mouth of Sauron).

10. A man of substance ( A. Nazgul)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Famous Last Words

10. "I bet you fifty quid I can shoot myself in the face and survive." (Orc Artcher)

9. "That hole’s not so deep." (Gollum)

8. "Hahaha! Riding around in Mordor while drunk is great." (Orc)

7. "Don’t be stupid. There’s no such thing as Orcs!" (Boromir)

6. "Ooh, look - the uruk wants a kiss!" (A desperate Worm tong)

5. "This electric fire should make my bath water warmer..." (Denethor)

4. "Heh heh. They’ll never find me if I hide in this air-tight box." (Bill Furney)

3. "Ha ha! Stupid wolf!" (Thorin)

2. "Shut-up. I AM Superman. Just watch." (Movie Saruman)

1. "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" (Some one who happened to be on the wall of Helm's deep when it exploded)

ALSO

Middle Earth Phobias

1) Gondaphobia
Fear of Gondorians

2) Hairdfeetaphobia
Fear of hobbits

3) Arachnophobia
Fear of Shelob

4) Saurophobia
Fear of eyes wreathed in flame

5) Doomaphobia
Fear of mount doom

6) Lubursaphobia
Fear of Barrad-dur

7) Spoonaphobia
Fear of Sack-vill Bagginses

8) Nechrophobia
Fear of Barrow Wights

9) Pogonophobia
Fear of Dwarves

10) Limnophobia
Fear of lakes (Most Hobbits have this)

[HerenIstarion]

Despite Sam's view on the subject, Frodo became very famous in the Shire, so all young hobbits were eager to take after him. The situation soon ended in environmental catastrophe in Mordor, as Orodruin was dumped up to its muzzle with all kinds of rings, washers and ball-bearings...

[The Elf-warrior]

What are spiritualist Orcs called?

Medium-Hai.


What is the friendliest fruit?

A Melon.


Gandalf as traffic cop: "You cannot pass!"

[narfforc]

Q. What has got two grey legs and two brown legs?

A. An Oliphaunt with an upset stomach.

Q. What did the orc say after The Battle of the Fords of Isen

A. I am so full, I coulnt eat another mortal.

The King of the Dead walked into The Prancing Pony and asked Butterbur for a drink. Barliman threw him out, saying "We don`t serve spirits in here".

Arwen, Aragorn and Gollum are having a conversation. Arwen say, "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful women that has ever lived, but how do I know?"
Aragorn says,"I sympathise. Everybody tells me that I am the greatest of living men, but how do I know?"
Gollum says, "Everbody tells me I am the most despicable, ugly, grotesque creature that has ever been born, but how do I know?"
Arwen says, Let`s go and ask Gandalf, he is wise. So of they trot.
Arwen goes in first, and a few minutes later comes out and says,"Its true I am the most beautiful woman ever"
Aragorn goes in, and a few minutes later he comes back out saying,"Its true I am the greatest living man"
Gollum goes in, and a few seconds later comes out and says,"Who the hell is Malcolm Glazer".

[Sleepy Ranger]

I'm not sure if this counts as a joke but its something I made.

[The Elf-warrior]

One of the ways Grima Wormtongue gained favor with Theoden was that he would often point out that gas was cheaper at such and such place while traveling in the royal van.

[Gandalf_the _white]

[QUOTE=HerenIstarion]***

Bilbo and Frodo in Rivendell:

B: 'What’s become of my ring, Frodo, that you took away?’
F: ‘I have lost it, Bilbo dear, I got rid of it, you know.’
B: ‘What a pity! I should have liked to see it again. But no, how silly of me! (starts rummaging in his chest) Here! Lucky I've kept the original!


LOL sooooo funny!!!!

[Glirdan]

Hmmm...

Aragorn: The Sword that was broken!! You have remade it!!

Elrond: What? You think that's Narsil? Are you kidding me? I just told Arwen to go out and get a sword with markings on it and give it to you and tell you that it's Narsil. I can't believe you fell for that!!!

[Gandalf_the _white]

Legolas:"the way is shut, it is made by those who are dead and the dead keep it, the way is shut!"
Gimli: Why's the door open then? :rolleyes:

[Lindril Arvilya]

Aragorn: Aww.... my sword sucks.....
Elrond: That's okay, we'll just go down to the pound and get you a new Sword That Was Broken!

[Sleepy Ranger]

http://www.dockingbay101.com/pictures/albums/userpics/10001/lotr_dockingbay101.jpg

http://www.dockingbay101.com/pictures/albums/lotr/lotr02aug3.jpg

Neither are mine but they're funny :)

[Boromir88]

This is going to be a corny one...but oh well...

Well, to tell you the truth, "lob" is an old English word for "spider." So, this I guess makes female spiders she-lobs?

[the guy who be short]

This is going to be a corny one...but oh well...

Well, to tell you the truth, "lob" is an old English word for "spider." So, this I guess makes female spiders she-lobs?Erm... that's where the name Shelob came from.

[Boromir88]

I told you it would be corny. :rolleyes:

[Farael]

In spanish, shelob is translated to "she-thespider"
Back in topic, from the original version of LoTR the movie,

Gandalf: You shal not pass!!.... until you pay the transit fee for crossing this bridge

[Sleepy Ranger]

http://www.xs4all.nl/~drjones/highground.jpg

Er yea... you may not get it if you're not a Star Wars fan or a Gamer.

[Sleepy Ranger]

Do the wave for the Disco Troll! (http://ravetroll.ytmnd.com/)

[Parmawen]

Allright, I know this horribly corny, but it works for even people who aren't totally into Lord of the Rings.

Legolas: Oh no! I've lost my lego's. I'm Lego-less! :rolleyes:

[Hookbill the Goomba]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v604/hukbillgoomba/humbug.jpg

[Elu Ancalime]

I thought this was so funny. I just got done watching the first half of the Georgia Tech-Utah football game(if your not familiar with american footbal, um, it still works) and Georgia Tech threw a Hail Mary pass on one of the last plays before the half ended. The player who caught the ball was Damarus Bilbo! I loved it. He turned around and his name stretched across the tv screen, oh i wanted a camera then!
________
NEW CLASS (http://www.bmw-tech.org/wiki/BMW_New_Class)

[Morsul the Dark]

strider is known for his unusually long stride hobbits have a tough time keeping up with people anyway think about it a ranger being chased by four out-of-breath hobbits

[narfforc]

How do you make an Orc cross?






Nail two of them together........

[narfforc]

Two Orcs are sat on guard at the eaves of Fangorn, the first turns to the other and complains about his empty stomach and the maggoty bread. The second Orc says: Just think it was only a week ago that we ate the minstral from that wandering band called Verve. The first Orc said: Oh I could just sink my fangs into that juicy foot again, what bit did you get, he asked. Oh I got myself A Bit of Sweet Arm and Knee, said the second Orc.

[The 1,000 Reader]

As the Morgul Lord rode through the gates, the White Rider confronted him.

Hiding in the rubble, a few soldiers of Gondor gained hope. Each muttered to each other what they were thinking. "We're saved! The White Rider will destroy this foe!" said one cheerful youth. "He has victory already!" said another, "He is other-worldly, he can defeat this entire army alone." "Foolish Mordor, do they really think that Gandalf could lose?" In reply, another warrior stated; "Gandalf is about to doom his foe. He has showed his generosity to us once more."

****************************************

'Do this Gandalf, do that Gandalf, lead us because I'm crazy Gandalf. Oh, fight the un-dead magical warlord Gandalf, I'm sure you can beat him easily even though you said he could match you. Why do I end up doing everyone else's job? Who do they think I am, Eru?' With a sigh, Gandalf straightened himself on Shadowfax and prepared for his second death match.

The rest, as we all know, is history.

[The Elf-warrior]

Where does Sauron spend all his time?

In the ICU.

How do Orcs greet each other?

Hai.

What do you get when you cross Pippin with a Troll?

A retarded Troll.

What do you get when you cross Denethor with a cow?

Barbeque.

[HerenIstarion]

Gandalf coming in to have a mug or two with Butterbur sees Aragorn lying on the road with his ear to the ground:

G. Valar be with you, Aragorn, I see you are being rangering... What is it?
A. Big wain with breelanders in is nearby. The wain is pulled by two horses - one chestnut and one motley. Wain's left rear wheel is creaky. There are ten of them, one of them is very fat and another is very bold, and they are all drunk as cobblers.
G. There is no ranger like you, Aragorn! You've heard it all by earth trembling, now don't you?
A. No, these blockheads just knocked me down!

[narfforc]

Q: What's the connection between Saruman the White, Gandalf the Grey and Radagast the Brown.










A: They all have same middle name.

[The 1,000 Reader]

"And so the last High King of the Noldor and the father of Isildur wrestled with Sauron on the plains of Gorgoroth. Long was the battle and many a crowd did it gather, for a fee of sixty dollars. And the kings tried a double closeline, yet the Dark Lord grabbed their necks, walked about the entire ring yelling to the audience, and then finally choke-slammed them into the ground. But lo! The kings swung their legs up high, and both impacted on the back of Sauron's skull, sending him reeling forward and loosening his grip. The duo rolled out of the falling weight's path, stood up, and then kicked Sauron like sissies. When his head ceased to throb, the Dark Lord thrust his elbows into the soles of their feet, and they gave a shout and fell.

When ground met the kings Sauron rose above them, and Elendil was wounded by a kick to his ribs. Gil-Galad attempted to regain his footing, but he was given a fist in his face and returned to the ashen soil. Up was the Noldor leader raised by the hand of Sauron, and twice was he brought back down by the other hand of the Ringlord. Vision fading, Gil-Galad was dragged to his feet, prepared to let the darkness of his mind carry him away from the next blow. Yet when his hope had teetered on the edge, the Dark Lord's arm was caught, and when he turned to look it was he who was hit in the face. And as the Dark One staggered backwards, Gil-Galad caught himself in his fall and brought himself up with foe in hand, and over his shoulder did Sauron get thrown.

Seeing an opportunity, ruler of both Elf and Man took each a leg of the shadow and brought it harshly on a land just as harsh. With no hesitation, Elendil and Gil-Galad pounced upon Mordor's master, and let their fists abuse the fearsome face of Sauron. On they went until a hand was driven into their each of their guts, and the winded warriors were taken by the servant of Bauglir. Their heads met the other with force, and when the skulls had halted upon the other a third cranium, that of the Dark Lord's, crashed into theirs. Again tumbled Elendil and Gil-Galad, and the feet of the Dark Lord danced over them. With his hate of the elves resolving his mind, Sauron lifted his foot over the High King Gil-Galad, son of Fingon. But when the foot came down up went Gil-Galad's hands, and with great strength and a powerful jerk the Dark Lord crumbled and painfully impacted onto the ruined fields of his realm. Gil-Galad returned the stomps given to him, yet suddenly halted. Panic took hold of Sauron, and in his rush to return to his feet did he meet Gil-Galad's trap.

When Sauron had regained his full height the lord of the elves leapt forward, and he thrust his foot towards the skies and aimed at the face of the Abhorred. O such sweet Chin Music rang that day, to be repeated in all the ages to follow! Sauron fell off his feet on contact. However, long had it been since Gil-Galad could find rest or water, and so as the Dark Lord was sent down did the heat exhaustion of Gil-Galad prove too much, and there he died on that day when the flailing hand of Sauron brushed against him. The defiant descendent of Fingon caught with his eyes his ally in battle gaining a second wind. He would never see again.

A rage filled Elendil, hatred for the one who assisted in the tainting of his homeland and the one who caused his elvish friend to die. He took his helm in hand from his head, and akin to a wild beast did Elendil dash forward and trample Sauron's body in his approach to the fallen Elf-Lord. He stood over the fallen body, and the sight of it maddened him even more. To the skies did his helmet fly, accompanied by a terrible yell. His momentum still with him, Elendil turned on his feet and ran to the fallen Maia. The side of Sauron he reached before driving all of his power and movement upwards with his arm. With a last, furious gaze did Elendil cast himself towards Sauron.

Long preserved in song was that moment. The beastly king rushed to his fallen foe, and with the power of his arm thrown down ahead of him did Elendil take vengence. The (Free) People's Elbow crushed the throat and all the rest of Sauron's neck, and the second shadow over Middle-Earth had taken a mortal blow. Still do elves weep over the other result of the assault. Poor King Elendil was an old man, even for one of Numenorian blood, and his heart no longer strived for his life, and so perished Elendil, founder of Arnor.

There was no man standing who could take victory now, thus it seemed that the royalty of the Last Alliance had broken itself in vain, and the influence of Sauron would continue to exist. Just when hope seemed lost, a shout tore through the valley, and from a freshly-slaughtered horde of orcs did Elendil's only living son Isildur rush to the personal battlefield. Through the audience he came, and down the ramp leading to the grounds he went and he dropped over the body of the Dark Lord. One count he remained over Sauron and then for a second he lay there. And when the worst expectations of man and elf were thought to come, the third count had arrived. With shock that the Dark Lord did not rise at the last moment, all were stunned until a single voice rose up in cheer. So followed all the voices of man and elf, drowning out the horrified ones of the orcs and trolls.

And so passed the Second Age's greatest conflict."

[Thenamir]

[FADE UP]



FIRST DWARF: [grumbles loudly]

SECOND DWARF: Hi, Gloom, son of Glum. What'cha grumblin' about? Not that you need an excuse...

FIRST DWARF: Oh, it's you, Gleam son of Beam. [sighs] It's just these mine-working clothes. Ever since I started digging for the mithril I just can't seem to get the grey out. My whites look like they've been washed in a pipeweed ashcan.

SECOND DWARF: [looking over FIRST DWARF's shoulder] That's because you're using that homemade soap alone.

FIRST DWARF: But I've always used it! How do you get your grimy work clothes so clean after a day in the mines?

SECOND DWARF: You need the awesome whitening power of [Holds up bottle of] BALROX BLEACH!

FIRST DWARF: [quizzically] Balrox?

SECOND DWARF: [taking the cork from the bottle and pouring the contents liberally into the washtub] Sure!

ANNOUNCER: [voice over as FIRST DWARF begins scrubbing his clothes on a washboard in the washtub] Balrox Bleach is made from pure lake-water from the uttermost foundations of stone combined with only the finest demons of the ancient world! Guaranteed to leech every bit of dirt (and color) from your clothes, leaving them their whitest!

FIRST DWARF: [holding up a gleaming white tunic] That's amazing!

ANNOUNCER: [voice over as THE TWO DWARVES admire the newly cleaned tunic] And Balrox is safe for sensitive hands, without leaving that disgusting "White-Hand" residue.

FIRST DWARF: [grinning, looking at his hands] And it leaves my hands soft and silky-smooth!

SECOND DWARF: Wow! Those look just like my wife's hands!

FIRST DWARF: [serious tone] I am your wife.

[A beat passes, then they both begin laughing]

ANNOUNCER: [voice over, close up picture of BALROX BLEACH bottle] Take it from Gandalf, Balrox whitens clothes [I]clean. [DISCLAIMER, spoken very quickly] Balrox is a corrosive and should not be used for cleaning chainmail or leather products. Do not expose to sparks or open flames. Another fine product from Mogul Enterprises.]

[FADE OUT]

[The 1,000 Reader]

(Sam charges at the gates of Cirith Ungol and knocks himself out)

*Five seconds pass*

Orc:...anybody hear something?

Shagrat: It sounded like somebody charged at the gate. Let's check it out.

----------------

I always wondered why the orcs, who had just passed through the gate, didn't hear Sam smack right into it and knock himself out at the end of Two Towers.

[Finduilas]

At the counsil of Elrond, when Legolas is telling about how they treated Gollum, taking him for walks etc. Gloin starts up and says, "You didn't treat us that well."
Legolas replied with, " Well, we had some hope for him."

[The 1,000 Reader]

I just remembered how I actually wanted Gil-Galad to die in the story on page three. Here it is.

"And the Dark Lord rose in fear of a mighty blow, only to meet one directly in the stomach. Hunched over in pain Sauron was, and in that moment Gil-Galad took hold of his head, turned around, and let his weight fall, causing the Dark Lord to crash down on the Elf-King's shoulder. With a massive force, Sauron lurched backwards from his blow, landing on his back. Gil-Galad righted himself and let out an enthusiastic shout. In his frenzy, the Elf-King took up two fallen bottles, ran them through a nearby stream, and then poured them on himself in his celebration. But lo, the stream was one of lava from Mount Doom, and so Gil-Galad fell by his own hand that day, for High Elf or not, lava was lava."

I didn't put much effort in it, since I just wanted to put this out instead of edit it into the story. Anyway, Gil-Galad basically kicked Sauron and did the Stone Cold Stunner. Then he yelled in victory (something appropriate, not Stone Cold's "Oh **** yeah!"), and poured lava on himself like Stone Cold poured beer on himself. But it was lava, so he killed himself.

[Brinniel]

Ooh...a place for me to post my Boromir the Photographer story. It's something I made up years ago, back when I was watching FotR with a friend. I think I told the story to a few Downers, but only to those who asked to hear it by PM. So, finally I will let everyone hear it and post it here.

Btw, I wrote this back in 2003 (when I was only...15), so don't expect anything particularly amazing...

Enjoy!

-------------------------------------

Boromir was not a professional photographer. It was a special hobby of his, kind of like how Legolas's hobby is brushing his hair. ;) He first took his camera (which was specially made for him in Gondor) on his journey to Rivendell. In fact, the only reason Boromir managed to survive the extremely long Council of Elrond was by using the camera to captivate the serious and thoughtful faces of the others at the council. And the only reason Boromir agreed to join the fellowship was because they needed a photographer (at least that’s what they said).

Boromir took rolls of scenic photos throughout the journey, and even managed to take some during the battle in Moria. Unfortunately, tragedy struck when the fellowship reached Khazad-dum. While fleeing from the balrog, Boromir found himself trying to keep balance at the edge of a stairway, losing his camera in the process. He tried to grab it, nearly falling into the abyss himself, but luckily Legolas grabbed him just in time and saved him. All was not well with Boromir.
"My camera!" he wailed. "My beautiful camera...is gone." He reached out for his lost item.
"Forget about it!" shouted Legolas. "You must save yourself, first. Your life is more important than some camera."
Boromir had no time to argue, for the balrog was coming nearer and once again, it was time for the fellowship to run. So, across the bridge they went, with Aragorn and Legolas practically dragging the sobbing Boromir.

Meanwhile, Gandalf fought the balrog. As the balrog, fell into abyss, Gandalf cried out to Boromir, "Do not worry, Boromir! I will retrieve your camera." And then he jumped.

Gandalf's sacrifice for his camera cheered up Boromir slightly, but still, all was not well. Now the hobbits were blaming Boromir for Gandalf's tragic death. Nevertheless, the fellowship continued their way to Lothlorien, with Aragorn in the lead.

And now we will skip to the gift giving scene, since nothing interesting happens in Lorien (well, nothing about Boromir, at least).

Boromir was the last to receive his gift, but he waited patiently, hoping that Galadriel had something better for him than three strands of her hair. And then it was his turn.
"I know you have suffered a terrible loss, Boromir," Galadriel said. "Your camera, given to you by your father, has fallen into shadow. I know I cannot make up for such a loss, but I will try. And so, to you I give another camera, made by the elves of the Golden Wood. And along with that, I give you five rolls of Elven film."
"Elven film?" Boromir questioned.
"Yes," Galadriel nodded. "It is in color."
Boromir beamed with happiness and no other member of the fellowship was as satisfied with their gift as him; not even Gimli.
"Hmph," Gimli muttered to himself. "Why did I ask for three stupid strands of hair? I could've gotten a brand new axe."

Unfortunately, all ended that fateful day when Boromir suspected Frodo of taking one of his rolls of film.
"It should be mine!" he shouted, chasing after the hobbit. "Give it to me!"
And then the very frightened Frodo put on the Ring and disappeared.
Boromir, realizing the missing roll of film was in his pocket the entire time, cried out, “Frodo! Frodo! Frodo, I’m sorry.”

Not long after, the Uruk Hai came and Boromir was fatally wounded in battle. Aragorn rushed to his side, but Boromir already knew it was too late; his dream of becoming a professional photographer was shattered. And so, he made his decision.
"I pass my duty as photographer to you," he uttered as he gave the camera to Aragorn. "Use the camera, wisely. Do not waste film." And then he died.

Aragorn took the camera and did as Boromir told him. When Gandalf the White arrived he took the film shot in Moria to develop, but Boromir's first camera was wrecked beyond repair (the Elven camera was better, anyway). To this day, Aragorn still uses the camera and was even the photographer for his own wedding (to Arwen’s annoyance). He has become a professional photographer along with becoming king.

-----------------------------------------------

[Lord Halsar]

During the time of the Music of the Ainur, Melkor created the second melody. in truth, he had borrowed it from the band we know as "Korn" when he was watching Eru look at the future Arda.
When Melkor finally played it, Eru said "Hey! you stole that from Korn! ". Then, Yavana strode over to Melkor and slapped him across the face.
"What was that for?!" he cried.
"For taking my idea. And i would have gotten away with it too. if it werent for you meddlesome Vala and your stupid werewolves!" :D

Kinda Korny... that was too.
Sorry. :D

[Finduilas]

When the first LotR movie went out, my older brother and sister went to watch it, opening night, I believe. My other sister and I were very disappointed that we were unable to go also, as we had read and loved the book. When they came back we asked our brother how it was. We knew nothing about the movie, hadn’t seen any pictures or anything. In answer he handed us a paper with this written on it:

“ADAPTING THE BOOK FOR HOLLYWOOD

TO: Miramax Studios
From: Storyline Editor
Re: ‘Lord of Rings’ story

Ok, Jack – I read this grossly oversized book, and I think we can handle it, but we have got to slim-n-trim this one big time to get it into our 2:07 frame. Luckily 2/3 of this book is just dead weight. Proposed cuts:
· Merry and Pippin, or at least one of them. Too easy to confuse. Too many Hobbits.
· Sam. Sure, he’s got the supporting role, but isn’t Frodo’s lone struggle against impossible odds twice as heroic without him?
· Faramir. Wussy, non-heroic character – all he does is to get shot and lie around in agony. A waste of scenes. Better to keep Boromir alive, use him in later scenes.
· Imrahil. Who cares?
· Saruman. Needles duplication of a villain.
· Kingdom of Rohan & its inhabitants. Needles duplication of a kingdom.
· Ent. Talking trees? Makes me think of ‘the Wizard of Ox’.
· Nine Black Riders. Reduce to three.

Some general critiques:

Dividing up the plot into two lines after they come down the Big River. No good. Keep the plot straight, have them all go to Minas Tirith, then all go to Mordor.

This reverse-psychology business with the Ring – no good. Confuses the audience. Suggest new ending: Frodo takes the ring, then fights duel with Sauron. Big fight on Mount Doom. Sauron blasts him wit helectric bolts form his fingertips. Frodo lies dying on the mountain. Suddenly the Chief Nazgul says ‘I am your father., Frodo,” picks up Sauron and throws him down the volcano. Big eruption. Segue to final ceremony scene. Whaddaya think?

P.S. Can we get some submachine guns in this story? Maybe studded with spikes all over to give them a medieval look?”

He handed this to us with an entirely straight face. We sat there a moment in disbelief, but finally asked my sister that had gone, and she set us straight.

[HerenIstarion]

http://www.geocities.com/gl_century/misc/lost.jpg

[Nerwen]

:D

Was this by any chance inspired by the Evil Overlord list item:

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Well, you are making fun of this, but about half a year ago there were papers on all the bus stops around my home with the text:

"Will reward anyone who finds and returns a gold ring. Without stone, but with inscribed characters. It is an old family treasure. Call (...)"

And some vandal wrote on one of these papers:

"Don't believe him! - F. Baggins"

[Nerwen]

Are you serious?

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Yes, really. Shame I didn't take a photo of it. Well, there was also written which characters are inscribed there, but I don't remember it and it doesn't matter anyway.

[Nerwen]

:D:D:D

That's one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

http://www.sheldoncomics.com/images/blogimages/blog_090421b.jpg

[narfforc]

A man and his wife visit the doctor complaining about the lack of sleep. 'He keeps me awake all night speaking in Elven tongue' moans the wife. 'I can't help it doctor, all night I dream that I wrote The Lord of the Rings' said the man. The doctor goes to his bookshelf and gets down a massive tome, looking through it he takes a few notes then closed it. Turning to the man he say, 'My diagnosis is that you've been Tolkien in your sleep'.

[Urwen]

In Numenor:
Ar-Pharazon: Yo! Beautiful Valinor!
Valar: Sorry, Eru doesn't allow visitors!
(A bunch of rocks falls and covers Pharazon)

(Back in Numenor;Sauron is walking,when his cat blocks his way)
Shelob: I'm HUNGRY!
(Sauron tries to free himself;Miriel, Elentir, Amandil, Elendil,Isildur and Anarion come out of his temple.)
Elendil: Anarion,that was such a clever idea!
Anarion(sheepishly):It's nothing,really...
Isildur: Good to see Sauron eaten
Amandil: And Pharazon has died by now.Good you convinced him to go conquer Valinor,brother!
Elentir(waves a hand):I did it for Miriel.
Miriel: My victory!
Shelob: Thanks,I needed food!

[Urwen]

In Gondolin....

Turgon: Welcome, kinsman, for I consider thou as such.

Eol(makes fishy noises,then...)

Eol: I don't care about you! I came to drag my wife and son back!

Turgon: So you love my sister and nephew?

Eol: Not exactly...Aredhel and Maeglin stole Anguirel...You know how it is...


(Turgon, Aredhel and Maeglin roll their eyes. Eol smiles victoriously.)

[narfforc]

How many Istari does it take to change a light bulb?......................It would depend on what they were trying to change it into.

[Morsul the Dark]

Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

I like this joke still

[Pitchwife]

Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried
You know what, this is subtler than it looks - all you have to do is read it aloud!:D

[The Might]

Another funny one I just found with StumbleUpon, and it happens to again be Gandalf and the balrog... seems this is all that most people remember. :D

http://happletea.com/comics/2010-03-19.jpg

[Urwen]

See this:

Somwhere in Beleriand, two people are talking.

"You know poor Gorlim?", asked one.
"Indeed.", answered his companion.
"Well,he covered Sauron with blood.Blood that came out of him when Sauron killed him."
"And?"
"And every woman from Middle earth, including Sauron's wife and Eilinel,squaled with laughter!"

[Urwen]

A small puppy was seen. People shrieked asking each other who its owner was. Finally,after six years of searchig,the owner was found. It was Celegorm....

[narfforc]

What sort of bread do hobbits like.............................................. ...........shortbread

[narfforc]

What would you call a noldo in Texas....................................Gnome on the Range.

[icryptic]

Great shortest jokes.

[Galadriel55]

I heard this from a friend of mine, and this is not really a joke, but it's still funny.

Soe of the many people who are nuts about Tolkien formed some kind of club. They met every once in a while and replayed battles and counsils and the like. Each person had his own role from LotR. One of the meetings was held on and island that was patrolled by mounted police.
The meeting was almost over, when it started raining. The policeman happened to have a cloak with a hood, so he put it on. All of a sudden, he rode into a bunch of people who were staring at him in disbelief.

PS: his horse and cloak were black
I think you can carry on by yourself from here!

[Urwen]

This one time, Morgoth was bored. So, he decided to pay a visit to Uldor the Accursed in the Void. He went and made it there. But when he entered the Void, three figures, to females and one male, surrounded him, claiming that they want revenge because he completely destroyed their lives. The male boasted that he killed Morgoth's most trusted servant.

Trying to look imposing, the youngest girl leaned towards Morgoth.

"It must be fun to kill the innocent little girls." she spat

The man laughed.

"Give it up, sis. You just aren't meant to scare. You were brought into this world to bring happiness...just as our other sister was brought to give me strength...to slaughter One Who Used To Arise In Might." he mocked, as he huddled his younger sister. His other younger sister didn't say a word.

"Why don't you say anything?" asked Morgoth, his curiousity arose.

"Because you drove me to incest. " she replied calmly

Morgoth couldn't even say anything before man stabbed him through the heart.

"Now you know strength of Death Iron." said the man carelessly, cleaning the sword and hugging his two sisters affectionately

[Galadriel55]

Before he was elected as King, Aragorn's agents spread petitions amongst all the people of Gondor. The people had to circle the answer that applies to the. This is how the petition looked:

Do you mind Aragorn becoming King? (circle one)

a) Yes, I don't mind
b) No, I don't mind

[Almesiva Moonshadow]

Gandalf was lighting his pipe in the burial chamber of Balin:
"Naur an edraith ammen! Naur... oh, ****. Summoned the Balrog...Run!"

:smokin:

[Almesiva Moonshadow]

During The Last Alliance of Elves and Men, an elf was captured by an orc. He was injured very badly, and his arm needed to be amputated.
He asked the orc, "Could you send my arm to Mirkwood?"
The orc said he would.
The next day the elf’s other arm had to be amputated, and he asked if it could be sent to Mirkwood, too.The orc agreed.
Then the elf’s leg had to be amputated, and he asked the same thing. The orc agreed to that as well.
But when the elf’s other leg had to be amputated, and he asked thing same to be done with it, the orc got fed up.
"Now hold on," the orc said, "You’re trying to escape, aren’t you?"

:D I'm feeling very creative today, you know... :D

[Galadriel55]

And when this new star was seen at evening, Maedhros spoke to Maglor his brother, and he said: "Surely that is a Silmaril that shines now in the West?"

And Maglor answered: "No, stupid! It's an airplane!"


~~~


Pippin looked in the Palantir and was trapped by Sauron, and Sauron told him that to escape he has to answer three questions. Pippin, seeing no other way, agreed. So Sauron began to ask him things:

S: Where did Beren see Luthien for the first time?

P: In Doriath.

S: What does Gollum call the Ruling Ring?

P: My preciouss.

S: How many stars did Varda place on the sky?

P: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

Since Pippin answered all three correctly (to his big surprise and relief) Sauron let him go. On the morning he came to Aragorn and told him that it's ok to look in the palantir as long as you can answer Sauron's questions. "Just answer him In Doriath, my precious, and the lore-masters haven't determined yet - in that order," Pippin told him. So when opportunity arose Aragorn took the palantir and looked inside. "Well met, Aragorn son of Arathorn!" said Sauron. "Answer my 3 questions if you wish to remain the same man ever again!"

S: Where is your kingdom, Lord of the Dunedain?

A: In Doriath.

S: Who told you that?

A: My precious.

S: Are you an idiot?!

A: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

[Galadriel55]

Sam: Legolas, tell me, can Oliphaunts fly?

Legolas: No Sam.

Sam: Gandalf said they could.

Legolas (scratches head): Well, then they fly, but very very low...


~~~


Bilbo and Gollum are playing the riddle game. Gollum starts:
-Once upon a time there were two fell beasts, one black and another to the north. How old am I?
-100 years old.
-How do you know?
-Half a century ago they were saying that you're half cracked...


~~~


What do you call a swarthy man with slanted eyes who looks half an orc?

His name, of course! Don't be racist!

[HerenIstarion]

As I've recently played Skyrim, and as it is already a meme, it just begs to be uttered (I guess I will get stoned for that by angry mobs later on... but anyway)


Gandalf telling Frodo about Gollum:

He used to be a hobbit just like you, but then he took an arrow to his knee...

[Galadriel55]

New Year's Eve. Orthanc Tower. Inhabitants realise they forgot to congratulate someone.

Saruman: Wormtongue, have you wished Gandalf a Happy New Year?

Grima: No, master.

Saruman: See, you forgot to give Gandalf New Year greetings, which means that you have sclerosis.

Grima: My Master, may I ask you... did you give Gandalf holiday greetings?

Saruman (thinks): ...Noooo...

Grima: And what does that mean?

Saruman: It means that you've forgotten to remind me, which means that you have sclerosis.

[Galadriel55]

-How did Denethor become crazy?

-It happened when the doctor told him that he was diagnosed with hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

[MCRmyGirl4eva]

Why did the dwarves sing their song about smashing Bilbo's plates and destroying his house while cleaning up?

They wanted it to seem like they were joking

It sucks, yes, but I'm bad at this kind of thing.

[Galadriel55]

A group of Dwarves was travelling through Bree. They came into the Prancing Pony, paid the inkeeper fifty silver pennies in advance for their stay, and went off to see which rooms they want.

As soon as he received the money, Butterbur went running to the grocer to pay off his long-standing debt for a few boxes of the choiciest vegetables. The grocer took the pennies and rushed to the delivery man, who, knowing that his friend's money jar is getting empty, agreed to do a few weeks of worth ahead of payment. Upon collecting his pay of fifty silver pennies, the delivery man dashed off to the house of his neighbour, whose cart he was using for a long time without paying. The neighbour then delivered the money to a farmer who has helped out with last year's harvesting and agreed to postpone the payment. The farmer then found Nob, to whom he lost fifty silver pennies in a game of chance. Nob promptly gave it to Bob because he lost him many a bet. And Bob did not hesitate to hand it over to Butterbur, to whom he owed a good deal for breaking numerous cups and dishes and (accidentally) wasting much food and beer.

At that moment the Dwarves returned from their tour and announced that they changed their minds; they have decided they actually would not be staying overnight in the town and therefore would like to have their money back.


In the end, no one has lost anything, but the townsfolk had no more debts.

[MCRmyGirl4eva]

A group of Dwarves was travelling through Bree. They came into the Prancing Pony, paid the inkeeper fifty silver pennies in advance for their stay, and went off to see which rooms they want.

As soon as he received the money, Butterbur went running to the grocer to pay off his long-standing debt for a few boxes of the choiciest vegetables. The grocer took the pennies and rushed to the delivery man, who, knowing that his friend's money jar is getting empty, agreed to do a few weeks of worth ahead of payment. Upon collecting his pay of fifty silver pennies, the delivery man dashed off to the house of his neighbour, whose cart he was using for a long time without paying. The neighbour then delivered the money to a farmer who has helped out with last year's harvesting and agreed to postpone the payment. The farmer then found Nob, to whom he lost fifty silver pennies in a game of chance. Nob promptly gave it to Bob because he lost him many a bet. And Bob did not hesitate to hand it over to Butterbur, to whom he owed a good deal for breaking numerous cups and dishes and (accidentally) wasting much food and beer.

At that moment the Dwarves returned from their tour and announced that they changed their minds; they have decided they actually would not be staying overnight in the town and therefore would like to have their money back.


In the end, no one has lost anything, but the townsfolk had no more debts.


Sounds like my math class... Wait! I'm a senior! I don't have one this year! :D YAY

[Galadriel55]

I was teaching my sister the names of the 13 Dwarves from Thorin's company, as well as a few other Dwarven names. We managed to turn their names into a bunch of weirdest things, including an army of pigs.

Me (counting on fingers): Balin Dwalin. Oin Gloin. Ori Nori Dori. Bifur Bofur Bombur. Kili Fili. Thorin.

Sister: Gloin. Dori. Nori. Oin. Ori. Oink. Oink? Oink Oink Oink...


And more incidents that I can remember:

...Kili. Fili. Dawling. Bowling.

...(lists 10 of them, without the B's). Balin. Bombur Bombur Bombur.

...Bifun Bofun Bombun Bamboo.

...Borin Dorin Darin Durin Nurin Norin Trorin Forin Tarin Turin...

[Galadriel55]

You have grown, Halfling. Yes, you have grown very much. I daresay you put on three inches since I last saw you!

~~~

"I will do that," Radagast said, and rode off as if nine of his rabbits were after him.

~~~

I said we, for we it may be, if you will join with me. A new power supply is rising to the market, and I want us to be the first to sign up for it.

[Lotrelf]

Heehee, I liked the first one best, HerenIstarion. smilies/biggrin.gif

But what does the first one mean?

[Galadriel55]

- Smeagol, where does Sauron keep his armies?
- In his sleevies.

~~~

Sam couldn't break into the Tower of Cirith Ungol, so he broke into song.

~~~

Bert the Troll wondered where the sun was. Then it dawned on him.

~~~

Starving in Mirkwood Bilbo kept thinking, It's hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.

[Urwen]

Q: How many Men does it take to kill an Elf?
A: One.

[Pervinca Took]

Let me guess who!

[Urwen]

Of course you may.

Btw, I saw you tried to send me PMs. I'll clear the inbox, then you can resend them if you want.

EDIT: Done

[Pervinca Took]

Sorry, Urwen, I meant it a bit like a rhetorical question - meaning 'Oh, I couldn't possibly imagine who!' jokingly sarcastically (i.e. Turin).

PM was because I had offered a guess of the last password clue.

By the way, I didn't mean to be terse in the 'One Thing In Common' thread - I was just tired. I read it again this morning and have edited my post.

[Urwen]

Oh, sorry. I meant both Turin and Tuor, btw.

[Urwen]

Q: What did Maeglin order in the restaurant?
A: Mor(e) leg(s)


Sorry not sorry. :smokin:

[Galadriel55]

Gollum, in his rehab program in the Shire, saw sees Merry and Pippin enjoying a tasty snack.
- What isss ittt the hobitses are eating?
- That's raisins, Smeagol. Yum!

Gollum runs over to Bilbo's place.
- Bagginsss! I mussst have raisinsss. Where are you hiding your raisinsss?
- Hoy, Smeagol, - Bilbo says, - I haven't got any raisins. But I have a couple delicious raisin buns, if you want some.
- Pick them out of the filthy buns! We wants raisinsss!

So Bilbo obligingly digs out all the raising from the baked treats.
- What are these, my preciousss? Are they raisinsss?
- Yes, Smeagol, these are the raisins you wanted.

Gollum puts one in his mouth, and his eyes go big.
- Filthy raisnisses! Yuck! Shove them back into the buns!


~~~~~~


What is the difference between a palantir and a ball being dropped off the heights of Zirakzigil?

A Palantir as it falls would pass the levels of Khazad-dum thus: 5th storey - 4th storey - 3rd storey - 2nd storey - main level - deeper levels - mining shafts - ai ai, a Balrog - hello Nameless Things.

Meanwhile, a ball falling counts the passed levels: 5th storey - 4th storey - 3rd storey - 2nd storey - main level - 2nd storey - 3rd storey...


~~~~~~

The Adventures of One Little Hobbit

One little hobbit picked up a round stone.
- What is it, Gandalf? - the hobbit intoned.
- Look in the depth, sing the Baby Shark song!
And that's how the Dark Lord went daft as a log.

---

One little hobbit was making a broth,
With cyanide he seasoned the boiling pot.
That day, Sackville-Bagginses came home to feast:
All S.B.s ate, but our hobbit didn't eat!

---

One little hobbit climbed Sandyman's mill,
Stuck himself out, hanging over the sill.
The road by the mill's covered in bloody splotches:
The hobbit tomatoes threw down at the gawkers.

[Alassë Estel]

Therapist: So, what's the problem?
Wife: He won't stop quoting The Lord Of The Rings!
Husband: I'm sorry, I'm just so tired. I feel...
Wife: Stop.
Therapist: No, no, let him talk.
Husband: I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.

:D