View Full Version : Middle Earth Answering Machine Messages

Arwen Melian
10-27-2002, 06:43 PM
I went to Ringbearer.org and found some funny answering machine messges:

(Glorfindel): "Greetings, you've reached Glorfindel of Rivendell. I'm probably home,out of work, and sitting in my forest-view room throwing darts at a blown-up photo of 'Arwen' at the Ford. If this is Peter Jackson,I'm more than willing to show up with the other elves at Helm's Deep. The Pelannor? The Grey Havens, at least?! If this is Arwen, get your big feet out of the Bruinen and give me back my horse!"

-yes I know that was a little mean-

(Sauron):"Yeah, this is Sauron, famous Maiar gone bad. I cannot take your call right now as I'm very busy plotting the downfall of Middle Earth. State your buissness at the sound of the scream, or press 9 to reach the Nazgul. If this is 'the Mouth', don't forget to bring me a very large bottle of Visine upon your return."

(Gimli):"You've reached Gimli the dwarf. Due to a hasty, likely regrettable promise,I'm busy packing as tommorow I leave to go trapsing through Fangorn forest with Legolas.If I do not return, I leave my axe collection to my friends at Aglarond, and my most prized possession-Galadriels lock of hair- is to be given it's own shrine there. If this is Treebeard, PLEASE stop with the prank calls.If I hear one more chant of " the eyes, beware of the eyes!", and Quickbeam snickering in the background- I'M NOT GOING!"

(Gandalf):"You've reached Gandalf the Grey. To schedule a fireworks show please press one.For your free psychic reading,press two.For today's nugget of wizardly wizdom,please press three. If you are Evil or a Minion of Evil please press four. If you are a dwarf with troublesome Elf fixations, please press five. If you would like to be King of Gondor,press six.If you are currently in possession of an All-Powerful ring that could destroy all of Middle-Earth,please press seven. If you are a hobbit in need of a bit of fancying, please stay on the line and the operator will assist you shortly."

(Strider): "You've reached Aragorn, Heir of Isildur, also known as Strider, Elessar,1st King of the Reunited Kingdom,Thengal of Rohan,Elfstone,Telcontar,The Renewer,Longshanks,Ecthelion of Gondor,Wing-foot,Sweetche----BEEP-----

(The Witch King):"You've reached the Witch-King, Lord of the Nazgul. If you have any information regarding 'Shire' or 'Baggins' please leave your name,your whereabouts,greatest fear and a brief message,and I'll be there promptly.Unless you're a woman. If you're a woman take me off your phone list and stop calling!"

(Haldir):"You've reached Haldir of Lorien.I'm probably too high and mighty to talk to the likes of you , but there's always a chance. If this is my plastic surgeon,Friday is looking suitable. If this is a dwarf consider yourself snubbed. Leave a pleasing message at the sound of the word arrogant,including all the pertinant details...and I'll have to make a decision,won't I?"

(Treebeard):"Hroom! You've reached Treebeard of Fangorn Forest.Please leave a message,but don't be hasty.Speak slowly.Very slowly. Think about what you want to say very carefully. Don't rush.Spell your name,speaking each letter succinctly. I promise to return your call,however, I cannot say when.Hroom!Must not be hasty.Once I carefully think through what my reply should be, I will call you back,saying each word slowly,very slowly.......BEEP.....

(Sam):"Hello,this is Samwise Gamgee.I am currently at Bag End trimming Mr.Frodo's grass,hedges,and anything else he would like to have trimmed. I could be digging holes for Mister Frodo where I will plant lovely flowers that will make Mr. Frodo very happy.Mr.Frodo is the best master ever!if you are not Mr.Frodo don't bother to leave a message."

I'm tired of writing these things down so why don't you check out the humor section at Ringbearer.org:: Your Lord of the Rings news source, for more messages. I'm REALLY bored and could use a laugh, so post up some of your own original answering messages from a lotr character for me as soon as possible. Thank-you. smilies/smile.gif

10-27-2002, 07:32 PM
I liked this one too:

(BILL): "Neigh! You've reached Bill the Pony's Transportation services. Let's cut to the chase. I don't do mountains, swamps, rivers, blasted landscapes, orc-invested lands, mines ... and most especially entrances TO mines. Phobias include abandonment in treacherous places and really big octopus-like creatures that live in murky lakes. I'm loyal, reliable, and incredibly good-natured considering some traumatic moments in my life ... but if you're looking for lightening speed and pretty-boy looks, you've neighed up the wrong Equus caballus. Contact Shadowfax at TooSwiftTooBeBelieved Inc.. If you have dwarf in tow, ask for Arod. Otherwise, leave a message, and I might consider giving you a whinney back."

Hmm, now as to one of mine own...*cracks knuckles*

(Pippin): "Hello, you have reached the Took residence. I am unable to come to the phone right now because I am either traipsing through a marish, stuck in a willow tree, lying in a barrow-down dressed in a white slip, ignoring maps at Rivendell, throwing stones down a well, being dragged across the plains of Rohan by Uruk-hai, sitting out an Entmoot, waiting on a psychotic pyromaniac, or being squished by a troll. If this is an emergency and you must contact me immediatly, call 1-666-Palantír, and I may get to you before the Eye does."

Oh whatever. At least I tried.

[ October 27, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

Arwen Melian
10-27-2002, 07:34 PM
That's hilarious, more, more I desire more. Keep it coming!

10-27-2002, 08:26 PM
(Rose): "Hello, you have reached the Cotton residence. If this is Master Samwise Gamgee, please leave a message detailing the following information: Where the Udûn are you? What in Eru's name do you think you're doing? And when are you coming back? If you think that I'm going to wait around for a whole year while you save the world...well, you're right. But that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it! I'm not getting any younger, you know."

Arwen Melian
10-27-2002, 08:54 PM
haaha! To bad that didn't raelly happen
diamond. I'll try to think of one tonight so tommorow I could post it for you.
p.s. I'm going to try one of them on my answering machine on halloween, how about you? smilies/smile.gif

10-27-2002, 09:25 PM
Ooooooh, that's a good idea. The caller would probably hang up halfway through, though.

Faye Took
10-27-2002, 09:32 PM
Ooo thats a good idea for Halloween! I would probably use my real last name though. Hehe

10-27-2002, 10:42 PM
Transcript of a phone call made sometime in the late 3rd age smilies/wink.gif.

[Ring! Ring!]

"Mae govannen, you have reached the Valley of Rivendell, site of the Last Homely House and most easily accessible Elvish settlement from both Lothlorien and the Grey Havens. For Elvish, press 1. For Westron, press 2. For Dwarvish, please hold for the operator.

[press 1]

Thank you for calling Rivendell. For information on bookings, press 1. For directions, press 2. For information on our Mordor and Surrounding Lands refugee program, press 3. If you know your party's name or extension, please press 4. If you need assistance, please hold for the operator.

[press 4]

"If you know your party's extension, please press 1. To dial by name, please press 2."

[press 2]

"Please enter the first five digits of your party's last name."


"I'm sorry, that name is not defined. To enter another name, please press 1. To return to previous menu, press 0."


"Please hold, while I transfer you to (Arwen's voice) `Arwen Undomiel'. This may take a few moments."

(Hold, while a Muzak version of "The Lay of Beren and Luthien" plays. At the the fifteenth repetition of "Tinuviel, Tinuviel!" we hear [Ring! Ring!])

"Mae govannen and welcome, you've reached the voicemail of Arwen Undomiel, Evenstar and daughter of Elrond Half-Elven. I'm in Lothlorien with my grandmother Galadriel or disputing my future with my father right now, so I'm afraid I can't come to the phone. Your call is important to me, so please leave a message and I'll call back before the next century. If you need immediate help, please press 0 for the operator."

[press 0]

(Muzak rendition of "The Road Goes Ever On and On")

(Jazzed-up rendition of "The Sun Shines On The Road" one of Bilbo's more forgettable compositions)

"Thank you for holding. One of our operators will be available to assist you shortly."

(Another rendition of "Beren and Luthien" this time played in full. Finally).

"Thankyouforcalling, thisisLindir, howmayIhelpyouSirorMa'am?"

"Uh, hello, uh, Lindir, but I was wondering if I could talk to Miss Arwen Undomiel? I tried calling her and I got her voicemail."

"Oh, OK. Lemme look around...oh wait, ya know, she just stepped out to Lorien a year ago and she's prolly not gonna be back until the next coupla decades are over. Wanna leave her a message?"

"Uh, could I have her phone number at Lorien?"

"Sir, I'm not allowed to tell you that, Elrond's orders. You want her voicemail?"

"Oh, all right."

[Click! Transfer to Arwen's voicemail."

"Uh, hello, Arwen, it's me, Estel. Or actually Aragorn and Thorongil is what they're calling me these days, but you probably remember me as Estel. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch before now but I haven't had too many chances to get close to a phone, kinda busy winning my spurs and planning to reclaim my kingdom and all...well, anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and I remember you, and I kind of hope we can, well, pick up where we left off thirty years ago. You remember...oh, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway I hope you still feel the same way.

"OK, I'd better be going now. I guess I'll try and track down your Lorien number somehow. I don't have a cell number or anything, it's too easy for other people to track. So I guess I'll just be calling you in a couple more decades. Bye. Love - I mean, I hope you're happy. See you. Bye. Yeah, I guess that's it. Till next decade, then."

[Terminate call]

[ October 27, 2002: Message edited by: Kalimac ]

10-27-2002, 11:43 PM
http://plauder-smilies.de/happy/roflmao.gif Another comic masterpiece compliments of Kalimac. You are on a roll! http://plauder-smilies.de/happy/roflmao.gif

(Smeagol): "Wessssss isssn't home right now, isssss we preciousssssssss? No, we isssssn't. If thisssss issss Bagginses, presssss one, my precioussss. If thissss issss the nasssssty hobbit, pressss two, my preciousssss. If thissss issss nice master, pressssss three, my preciousssss. If thissssss isssss "She", presssss four, my precioussssss. If someone elsssssse, pressss five, my precioussssss."

Kinda drives you mad, don't it?

[ October 28, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

Childlike Empress
10-27-2002, 11:47 PM
Wonderful, Kalimac smilies/smile.gif

10-28-2002, 01:10 AM
Oh, Kalimac, that was great!! I loved it!

Arwen Imladris
10-28-2002, 03:08 PM
hehehehe! These are good! More More!

On a Similar note(no pun intended) my piano teacher's voice mail has, insted of a beep, the Furelise (I think) It is really funny.

10-28-2002, 03:44 PM
(Cirth Ungol): "Hello, you have reached the Tower of Cirith Ungol. If you are calling to speak with any one of the former residents, you needn't bother, as they are all dead. If you would like to speak with a great big Elvish warrior, press one. If you would like to hear Frodo and Sam's moving duet, press two. If you would like to arrange an eye squeezing session with Shagrat, press four." smilies/eek.gif

Arwen Melian
10-28-2002, 04:41 PM
HAHAHAHAHA!(COVERS HER MOUTH SHE'S LAUGHING SO MUCH.)Thank you Kalimac and Diamond you really made my day, I have been having such a bad day. First my friend would not talk to me, then my precious wallet gets stolen with all my LORD OF THE RINGS pictures in it.You make me laugh you guys. Well, anyways I'm still in the process of making a middle-earth message but I've been so busy today. I'll try to make one this week, I promise, but keep them coming I could use more laughs. Those were so great!

10-28-2002, 06:34 PM
Glorfindel: Suilannon! As you can see, I'm not in now. I'm probably out saving a hobbi- *Glorfindel screams, and then Arwen's voice cuts in*: Hahahaha! Not so fast, Glorfy! This is my show! Yoyoyo, 'sup? I'm Arwen, daughter of Steven Tyler...erm...I mean Elrond! Leave a message after you hear the Aerosmith music...erm...I mean the windchimes! *"Dude Looks Like a Lady" plays followed by "Janie's Got a Gun"*

Arwen's own before she married Aragorn: Hello! You have reached Arwen Undomiel, daughter of Lord Elrond of Rivendell, the last Homely House! If you are Glorfindel, hang up, I don't want to hear it! I can't help it if Peter Jackson cut you! Do you think that I would have done the movie, had I had a smaller part? I think not! And, if you're Aragorn, you're not supposed to be calling...Daddy'll be mad...and yes: I will be coming with you to the picnic on Sunday! But shhhhh: don't tell Daddy! He'd flip! *"Walk this Way" begins to play*

Legolas: Ai! Ai! You have reached the home of Legolas Thranduillion! If you are a Dwarf, hang up! If you want to call me a girl, call J.R.R. Tolkien! He'll have some fierce words to say to you! Mmm-hmmm: you'll be in trou...BLE! He loved me! He always spoke of that I was nearly as tall as a tree and stuh-rong! So don't mess! And...if you do...well...I'll call my daddy...I mean...then shoot you! Big meanie-heads! *windchime sound*

Elrond: Aragorn! Stop calling! No! You cannot marry my daughter! Any humans for that matter! You know why? Because humans...are a disease...and we...are the cure...isn't that right, Misssssster Andersssson? *beep!*

Gandalf: You...shall not...pass! *beep!*

10-29-2002, 12:05 AM
Thank you so much, everyone smilies/wink.gif [blushes]. Love the Gollum and Cirith Ungol ones, and of course poor old Glorfindel (for a character who has about six lines he certainly did pretty well in terms of popularity - he's like the Boba Fett of LOTR smilies/wink.gif).

Another skit, if it hasn't gotten old:

"Curses be upon your head, you've reached the Tower of Barad-Dur and the voicemail of Sauron the Maia. Unfortunately I'm not yet reinstated in a body, so I'm physically unable to pick up the telephone. This message is being recorded by the Mouth of Sauron. To beg for mercy, press 1. To confess, press 2. To betray someone, press 3. If you have information on some worthless little trinket which may have belonged to me, please press 0, stay exactly where you are, and do not attempt to resist the entities which will shortly be coming for you. All calls will be recorded the better to serve our own purposes."

[press 3]

"To talk to Him, press 1. For Her, press 2. If you don't know who either of these are, please press 0 and expect our agents to arrive shortly."

[press 1]

(Hold while "There's a Whip, There's a way" plays)


"Greetingssss, your ladysssship. Smeagol bringsss nice tassssty hobbitsssesss, yesss?"


"Food. Niccce food."


"No, not orcses. Fresssh."

[sudden enthusiastic bubbling, during which transmission is lost].

OK, so that was a bit lame. But come on, you KNOW that Sauron & Co. would tape record everything, wouldn't they?

10-29-2002, 05:06 PM
Ew, gross! smilies/wink.gif Sounds like she ate the phone in her excitement...

Here's another:

(Varda): "You have called on Elbereth Gilthoniel, that's right! My eyes are clear and my breath is bright. How may I help you this night? If you would like to first sing a song of praise to me, please press star (*). If you are being attacked by Ringwraiths, please press 9. If you are in mortal combat with a gigantic loathesome spider, please press 8. If you would like to disarm evil sentinals, please press 2. I am glad to be of service to you!"

[ October 29, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

10-29-2002, 05:58 PM
I got One (kind of pathetic)

Hello, this is Professor Tolkien, from my grave. If you have tiresome, badly written and/or characterized fanfiction you would like me to read, please report to the PPC. If you wish to enquire about the sexual preferences of Frodo and Sam, report to the PPC. If you wish to bestow praise upon my books, press 1(you have a 30 second time limit). If you have questions on Tom Bombadil or Balrog, press 2. IF you are Peter Jackson, leave your Name, Number and exact location, so that I may HAVE WORDS with you. *BEEEEEEEP*

I tried.

[ October 29, 2002: Message edited by: Losthuniel ]

10-29-2002, 07:51 PM
These are so good! I might actually try some... smilies/biggrin.gif

10-29-2002, 08:44 PM
Hello, you have reached Arwen Undomiel, Queen of Gondor. I am not availible right now. I'm probably out helping Aragorn run the kingdom. If you want to leave a message, press 1. If this is Daddy, I miss you too! If this is Glorfindel, just leave me alone already! I can't help that Peter Jackson overlooked you! If this is someone else calling to complain about me saving Frodo instead of Glorfindel, call Peter Jackson instead. He'll take care of you!

Well, I tried! It didn't come out as good as I hoped, but at least I tried!

10-29-2002, 09:30 PM
These are so very funny!!

I especially like the Legolas, Cirith ungol, and poor Glorfindel!

Diamond, you're mean to poor old Bill!

I am definitely using one on my message machine on halloween!

10-29-2002, 10:22 PM
I didn't write that one, I just got it off of Ringbearer.org. (I liked the TooFastToBeBelieved thing about Shadowfax). The rest are all mine, of course.

10-30-2002, 01:52 PM
(Frodo after the WotR): "Hello, you have reached Bag-end. If you would like to leave a message for Master Samwise, press 1. If you would like to leave a message for Mistress Rose, press 2. If you would like to leave a message for me...well...you would be the first in a long time. No one ever cares about me. Whenever I answer the phone it's, 'Can I talk to Sam?' or 'Could you get me a date with Merry or Pippin?' *sighs* I don't mind, of course. I'm usually too tired to talk anyway...and...it's...it's gone *sniffle* gone, all gone! Well, anyway, go about your happy little life and leave your chipper little message. Just don't call while I'm taking my early morning, late morning, early afternoon or late afternoon naps."

10-30-2002, 03:47 PM
these are so funny haa ha.
heres my go


hi you've reached legolas of mirkwood, i'm out at the mo target practising with gimli. gandalf says its good practice for hitting orcs. press 1 if you are gimlis 'rents and i've accidently killed him, 2 if you are aragorn and need to talk bout arwen, 3 if you are arwen and want to talk bout aragorn, 4 if its gandalf, 5 any pesky hobbits and 6 for the lovely ladies out the yes remember 6 the number 6! oh yeah glorfindel don't leave a message. beeeeeeeeeeep.

Arwen Melian
10-30-2002, 06:22 PM
Ok, you know what, I give up on trying to make a message everyone has such good ideas that they are all practically taken already,
sigh! Well, actuallyI better keep on trying;I did start this thing did I not?
P.S.Thanks for all the messages so far.....again.

10-30-2002, 07:00 PM
LEGOLAS: Hi, you have reached Legolas Greenleaf. If you are a Mary Sue calling to ask me out, dial 1-800-GO2-UDUN. If you are a dwarf calling to ask me out, call me on my cell. *Sound of giggling*. If you're my father, Daddy, I kinda maxed out your plastic on hair products and nail polish. Send me some more money - I wanna take the dwarf out somewhere nice for our anniversary. Maybe a cruise...

10-30-2002, 09:21 PM
At the risk of being terribly redundant, I'll get in on the act and do a Legolas one, too.

"Hello, you have reached Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood. If you are my arrow supplier, GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER! I want to have a talk with you. Was it some kind of sick joke to send me a dozen Orc arrows when I ordered a dozen ELVEN arrows???? Do you know what it would do to my reputation to go around with a quiver full of Orc arrows? I want my money back now! Ahem...but I digress. Whoever is calling, please leave a message after the sound of the whizzing arrow. The whizzing ELVEN arrow, of course."

10-31-2002, 11:38 AM
YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!! I REALLY loved Arwen(all of them) and gollum. And of course, Rivendell call center. And Glorfindel.And Elrond.
LOL!!!!!!! smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

Ok, these are Galadriel´s messages ON the answering machine... (is that ok with you guys?)

(beep) You have three new mesages (beep)
first message
"Um, hi grandma, this is Arwen, can I move in your place?I sort of had a fight with dad. Please?I´ll wash up, promise. Yeah thanks. Bye."

second message
"Hey, Gally it´s Sauron. So,wanna be bad?Come on, I know you do. It´s right there in your cute little heart... can´t hide it from uncle Sauron... So,call me back and I´ll turn you into the most beautiful Nazgul on Arda.See you Gally.

third message

fourth message
2Hey, it´s me, Gimli.You know I´ve been thinking and um, well, I think we´re just not going to work. I mean you´re an elven and I´m a dwarf and everything.... well yeah. See you then......Yeah honey ,coming(backround: Legolas giggeling,sound of bedspreads beeing moved)
Pretty dumb isn´t it??

10-31-2002, 12:47 PM
Not so much dumb as a bit too graphic. It would be nice to keep this thread clean.

"Hello, you have reached Rauros, golden Rauros falls. If you would like to schedule an outdoor funeral, please leave your name, phone number, and date of death, and we will get back to you."


"Hello, this is the South and West winds. If you are inquiring after the whereabouts of Boromir the Tall, Fair, and Bold, ask of the North wind news of him!"

(Those are only funny if you've memorized the Lament for Boromir...and can sing it...*whistles absently*)

10-31-2002, 01:18 PM
All of these are great! Keep 'em coming! I'm not good at making this sort of things, and never have been, so I won't even try, but please keep 'em coming! They are hilarious! http://smilies.networkessence.net/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif

10-31-2002, 02:47 PM
(Treebeard's message...) : You... have... <hrumpha>... reached... by... the... use... of... this... hasty... mens... machine-... <hrumpha>... -thing-... <hrumpha>... -devilish-... -devise... <hrumpha>... the... words... that... are... left... here... by... <hrumpha>... one... that... is... definately... truly... since... begining... <hrumpha> <hrumphatuy> <thrump>... of time... not... busy... but... is... <hrumpha>... still... not... at... home... that... being... the... one... the... <hrumph>.. hasty... folk... call... BEEEEEP!

10-31-2002, 04:02 PM
Clean? WHy not go for slash free, first and formost.

Arwen Melian
10-31-2002, 05:11 PM
Can I just clear something up?Legolas and Gimli are not homosexual; I know that it is funny to joke that way and read fanfiction like that,I sympathize with that. But, as
Diamond said let's keep it clean, okay? It was funny though.They just happen to be good friends. By the way if you like that type of fanfic with Legolas and Gimli go to - axe and bow fanfiction - But you have to be mature about it;I don't think it's meant for young eyes.

10-31-2002, 05:49 PM
I would hardly call my comment slashing, Losthuniel. If a thread gets too dirty, a moderator is sure to swoop down from the sky and that's it for that thread. I simply want to point that out before it happens.

(Thranduil): "You have reached the palace of Thranduil, Elven-King of Mirkwood. If you are a Dwarf tresspassing within the borders of my woodland realm, press one and you will be imprisoned shortly. If you are a Hobbit who would like to give me a priceless treasure to use as a...erm...bargaining tool, press two. If this is the Mayor of Lake-town, press three, but just so you know I don't want to hear another complaint about what you find in my barrels. If this is Legolas, press four, and tell me what you're doing! I know I got kind of mad when you let Gollum escape and we exchanged words before you left for Imladris, but that's no reason to be pouty and not come back home! And I hope you haven't talked to any strange Dwarves (redundant, I know) because you know that would make me very mad."

(Balrog of Moria): "There better be a very good reason for this call, because I do not like being disturbed. I like to sleep, and I like to do it all the time. Anyone who wakes me up is asking to be flame broiled. Oh, and if this is Sauron, get lost. I am a servant of Morgoth, and I stick my fiery neck out for no one else, got that?"

10-31-2002, 05:52 PM
Arwen Melian: read the "Book of Lost Tales II". Christopher Tolkien makes note of something his father said that would please you immensely...to quote what it says:
Ultimately, of course, the Elves shed all associations and qualities that would be now commonly considered 'fairylike', and those who remained in the Great Lands in Ages of the world at this time unconceived were to grow greatly in stature and in power: there was nothing filmy or transparent about the heroic or majestic Eldar of the Third Age of Middle-earth. Long afterwards my father would write, in a wrathful comment on a 'pretty' or 'ladylike' pictorial rendering Legolas:

'He was tall as a young tree, lithe, immensely strong, able swiftly to draw a great war-bow and shoot down a Nazgûl, endowed with the tremendous vitality of Elvish bodies, so hard and resistant to hurt that he went only in light shoes over rock or through snow, the most tireless of all the Fellowship.'

Now that we've had this serious interlude, back the the merriment (and yes: let us keep it between PG and PG-13 in here, I agree...)

10-31-2002, 08:54 PM
Diamond18, I was hardly refering to you.

11-01-2002, 10:22 AM
Oh...ok....well you said "Clean?" and I was the one who said that...so I thought you were. By "slash" I thought you meant criticizing other posts.

Anyway, I thought the idea of writing messages left on answering machines was a good idea, and charly's first three did amuse me. Just thought I'd clear that up for anyone who does think I was being nasty to him...

11-01-2002, 06:04 PM
Gah! I said "back to the merriment"! Do I have to do everything?

The Royal Family of Mirkwood: Suilannon, mhellyn! You have reached the Royal Family. If you are an Elf wanting to speak to Thranduil on business, press 1. If you have information telling us who, in the name of Yavanna, Legolas's mother is, please press 2. If you want to speak to Legolas, press 3. If you are a female, asking for Legolas's hand in marriage, press 4 to be put on the waiting list. If you are one of Legolas's many stalkers, press 911 and turn yourselves in. If you have any information concerning escaped Dwarves or small former-Hobbits, press 5. If you are a Dwarf, hang up, we do not like you. If you are Gimli, however, press 6 and you will be connected to Legolas's line in his room. If you are Arwen, press 6 as well, because Legolas thinks you are very, very pretty. If you are any of Legolas's "long lost" sisters, brothers, wives, lovers, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters, sons, granddaughters, grandsons, or any other people with any connections to my son in any way, tough. We have enough of those already. And, if you are looking for Legolas to go on another quest, hang up. He's grounded for this week for staying out drinking miruvor past curfew and all of his telephone and internet privileges taken away. He's also not allowed to quest for 100 years. Thank you for your understanding...

11-01-2002, 11:29 PM
Vanima hath spoken, and she sayeth, "You shall be merry or else!" smilies/wink.gif

So here goes...my imagination levels are really low right now (just look at my Thranduil and Balrog messages, blech...) But I'll try.

(Galadriel): "Hello, this is the Lady of the Wood, who may or may not be an Elvenqueen. If you view me as not a queen, press one and leave a simple message. If you think I am a queen, press two, and I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreaful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and DESPAIR! Ahem...thank you and your call is important to me."

(Éomer): "You have reached Riddermark. If you are a Man, press one. If you are an Elf, press two. If you are a Dwarf, press three. If you are a Man, and Elf and a Dwarf, what business do you have calling Riddermark?"

(Faramir): "Hello, this is Faramir, Steward of Gondor, Prince of Ithilien and Lord of Emyn Muil. (Éowyn wanted me to say all that...I really don't care about that sort of thing...) Anyway, this is my automated wisdom line. If you would like to learn the history of Númenor, press one. If you would like to listen to a reflective dissertation on war and peace, press two. If you would like to hear about my dreams, press three. If you are feeling suicidal because of unrequited love, press four to hear all about my own tender love story. If you are on a dangerous quest and are in need of advice, press five and whatever you do, don't go near Cirith Ungol! If you simply want to leave me a message, hold until after the beep. (I really do recommened pressing 1, 2, 3 or 4, though)."

Arwen Melian
11-02-2002, 09:58 AM
That was great keep it coming, yes I know I have not made any yet... sorry.

11-02-2002, 03:25 PM
Diamond - love the Faramir one smilies/wink.gif. I don't think I appreciated Faramir too much when I first read the book, but now that I'm grown up he's definitely in the first rank of favorites. (A guy who's sensitive, intelligent, understanding, handsome AND employed! It's too much! smilies/smile.gif).

Time to give some of the minor characters their due:

Ghan-buri-Ghan: "Hello. This Ghan-buri-Ghan. I not sure how use thing here, I plain wild man, only hunt, kill Orc-folk. Not understand this magic. If magic work, leave message at noise! Then kill Orc-folk! This Ghan-buri-Ghan."

Ioreth: "Hello, you've reached Ioreth, herb mistress and keeper of the medicines for Pavilions A, B and E of the Government Houses of Healing. I'm not available right now, in fact I've just been run off my feet with all the excitement going on here, there have been so many brought in for healing that I've hardly even gotten a chance to be in my office for night on two weeks now, especially after those strange men came in the other night. Would you believe it, one of them was a Wizard - Mithrandir himself, though he was so polite you'd have thought he wasn't anybody, and a strange man who looked so grim that I was terrified, but he had the hands of a healer if ever I saw them. All the girls laughed at me because I told them about the healing hands and kingsfoil; well, they're not laughing this morning, I can tell you that. Last night the strange man and Mithrandir asked for kingsfoil, of all things - of course I didn't have it, but I knew where to get it if only there'd been time. And I remembered what they used to say about the King being able to heal with that herb - do you know, I'm sure the stranger is the King returned, and I'm sure I told the girls so! Nobody took it seriously of course, but I did. And Mithrandir said to me, "Ioreth, men will long remember your words," and I just -"


Wormtongue: "Hello, this is Wormtongue's voicemail. I'm afraid I'm busy right now - in fact, why do you think I'd rather be taking your call than dancing attendance on His Most Worshipful Highness King Theoden? Shame on you for even thinking it. Leave me a message and I'll return it at His Highness's convenience. If this is, uh, someone I'm sending deliveries to, I sent the last - shipment - two days ago by Post Haste express, you should be receiving it by Thursday. I hope the - materials - are satisfactory. If this is a certain King's niece - I just want to say that I'm as devoted to your welfare as I am to his. Please do leave a message, and we'll talk some more later."

Arwen Melian
11-02-2002, 04:43 PM
You really got the last three characters personalities precisely. It's really funny how you imitated Ioreth and Ghan-buri-Ghan.
Especially Ioreth and how she talks too much! smilies/smile.gif

Tanraugwen Greenleaf
11-03-2002, 12:47 PM
Legolas: Hello, I'm not home right now. Probably off dealing with orcs. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Oh, yeah I DON'T CALL FANGIRLS! Beeeeep

11-03-2002, 04:30 PM
Why thank you Kalimac (yes, that Faramir is a great guy *swoon* ) I liked all your messages, as always! smilies/smile.gif

(Bergil): "Hi, this is Bergil! I am ten years already, and shall soon be five feet. How tall are you? How old are you? I'll bet that I could stand you on your head or lay you on your back! And I bet that my dad could beat up your dad, too! Anyway, leave a message after the beep."

Arwen Melian
11-03-2002, 05:11 PM
That was great,make one more about pippin please.I know I ask too much... sigh smilies/frown.gif

11-03-2002, 05:31 PM
(Pippin): "Hello, this is Peregrin Took, but you can call me Pippin. I'm away from the phone right now. If you want to call me a Fool of a Took or insult me in any other way, press one and wait to see what happens (don't take the phone away from your ear, okay? It'll ruin the effect...) If you have already pressed one, and would like to know where a good doctor can be found, press two. If you have already pressed one and would like to sue me, press three...and wait to see what happens. If you have already pressed three, please press two."

Arwen Melian
11-03-2002, 05:59 PM
Hahahahahahh! I love it! Pippin is so funny.
And yes I think I'll call Pippin to see if I'll go deaf after calling him a fool of a Took!

11-04-2002, 06:02 PM
Gollum: We cannot reach the phone now, no not now...BECAUSE OF BAGGINSSS!! Yes we hates the baggins dont we...yessss. The baggins stole the precious. We swore on the precious, and Smeagol was good, but no...Baggins lost my birthday present. Fisssssshhhhh...BEEP

Arwen Melian
11-04-2002, 06:10 PM
That's scary my preciousssssss.

11-04-2002, 07:56 PM
Hmm . . . this is slightly difficult. Lemme think.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins: [Pre-LotR] You have reached the home of the Sackville-Bagginses. If this is Bilbo, I don't know anything about your spoons, and if you had been dead like you were supposed to be, You wouldn't know anything about them either! If this is Frodo, you don't deserve Bag-End, you little upstart! You were a nothing until that ridiculous Baggins took you in! And in any case, I'm not speaking to either of you! So don't leave a message! *beep*

[After Frodo left the Shire] You have reached Bag End the home of the Sackville-Bagginses. At last! If you have called for a tour of Bag End please press one. If you would like to come admire my silver spoons, press two. If you are Frodo or Bilbo I don't want to hear from you, and you are never getting Bag End back!*beep*

Okay. That's kinda . . . yeah. Lame. That pretty much sums it up!

[ November 04, 2002: Message edited by: Mintyztwin ]

Arwen Melian
11-04-2002, 09:50 PM
Thats funny and so true.
P.S. Don't you just hat Lobelia smilies/smile.gif smilies/evil.gif

11-04-2002, 10:40 PM
Diamond - cool! Yes, I'm starting to wonder if I won't become a Faramir Fangirl when TTT comes out - guess I won't be able to smile at the Legolas-lovers anymore, hmm? (Though since I'm married to a quite Faramir-like guy, albeit he's as skinny as Legolas, I'll be restrained about the movie version for his sake smilies/smile.gif).

I don't think anyone's done this yet:

"This is Hamfast Gamgee. Call me Ham if ye like, or just do like all those little whippersnappers and call me the Gaffer, I'm more used to it anyway. I don't rightly hold with this newfangled machinery - what's the point of leavin' someone a little message when ye could just walk a mile or two and visit face-to-face, like honest folk? What are you afraid of, that you have to slip in all silent-like and talk to a bit of machinery instead of telling me something face to face?

Anyway, that's summat else. If ye really can't visit, leave a message and I'll return it personally by coming over to your place for a bite and a visit. If this is my son Sam, let me know where you are if the dragons haven't et ye yet - and remember, as soon as ye come home I'll have your hide for not sending news more regular. If this is young Sandyman, go away, you're not wanted around here. [pause] Marigold, how do I stop this contraption?"

11-04-2002, 10:43 PM
Heh, that last part made me laugh out loud.

11-05-2002, 08:23 AM
Hah! That last bit WAS great! It reminded me of some people I know! smilies/wink.gif

11-05-2002, 10:23 AM
Yup, Kalimac, when I see Faramir pics sometimes I feel my devotion to Pippin slipping. But don't tell anyone! smilies/wink.gif

(Lonely Mountain): "This is the lair of Smaug the Dragon. My armour is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death! After the sound of the ground-shaking roar, please leave your name, aliases, phone number, home address, and an inventory list of all you valuables, plus the blueprints of all the doors in your home. Good day to you."

[ November 05, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

11-05-2002, 05:32 PM
Niccccccccce. Very niccccce, my precccccioussssssss. We likesss the partssss about the dragonsessssss, yersssssssss.

Bombur: This is Bombur the dwarf. I am asleep, trying to dream about a lovely feast I was having in Mirkwood, until Thorin and co. woke me. It was a lovely dream, delicious food, and singing and danceing, and food, and I am asleep, trying to dream it again. Leave a message quietly after the beep so you do not wake me up. *beep*

Okie, that was a little . . . yeah. I'm hungry. smilies/rolleyes.gif

Arwen Melian
11-05-2002, 05:53 PM
You're hungry? Oh no! You're turning into a hobbit. I really liked the Hamfast one, and the lonely mountain and Bombur messages were cool. You people have great imaginations. Stop impressing me. For once will someone make a lame message?
I'm just kidding, keep up the good work. But leave me some characters that I could make a message for. So far I can think of none since all of the good ideas were used.

11-08-2002, 09:54 PM
[Dial tone]

Chirpy voice: "Operator."

"Hi, I need to reach Elbereth Gilthoniel in Valinor. It's an emergency."

"Please insert 50¢ into the slot and I will be happy to place your call."

"Um, I'm sorry, this isn't a pay phone."

"Please insert 50¢ and I will be happy to place your call."

"No, you don't understand, I'm on a cell-phone. There is no slot..."

"Sir, if you will just insert the 50¢ I will be happy to—"

"Listen! I'm about to be mugged by a group of men in black cloaks...it's an EMERGENCY. Place the !@#$ call!"

"Profanity. Automatic disconect." *beep*

[Seconds later]

*plink, plink*

Deep, calm voice: "Elbereth Gilthoniel, please."

"Mr. Baggins, I know two quarters dropped in a jelly jar when I hear it." *beep*

Okay, that was really lame. It was a scene from "Funny Farm". Forgive me.

[ November 08, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

11-10-2002, 01:08 AM
The voice-mail of BARLIMAN BUTTERBUR:

Welcome to The Prancing Pony—the Inn of Bree—Reservation & Concierge Services.
If you would like information about our guest facilities, press 1.
If you wish to make room reservations, press 2.
If you are a guest requiring concierge service, press 3.

[Press 1]

The Prancing Pony Inn is conveniently located in the quaint village of Bree, just off the East-West Road, approximately two week’s ride west of The Last Bridge (by the scenic route) and one day’s ride east of The Shire.

We offer comfortable man-sized suites for Men, Elves and Dwarves and cosy ground floor rooms for Hobbits. Ample stabling facilities are available. We have a large atmospheric common room, ideal for parties, conferences, story-telling, sing-alongs, dancing, magic acts, etc. Or if you prefer a quiet supper with friends, we have some nice little parlours. Our kitchen offers good plain food—very homelike. Our beer is always good—even the King says so.

Ask about our off-season room rates during of The War of the Ring.

If you would like information about Bree-land and nearby tourist attractions, press 1.
If you wish to make room reservations, press 2.

[Press 1]

As the home of the descendents of the first Men that ever wandered into the West of the middle-world and the centre of the oldest hobbit settlement in the world, Bree offers tourists a unique opportunity to experience life in a dual-cultural community. And with a steady stream of Elf and Dwarf travellers passing through, Bree is probably the most cosmopolitan locale in Middle-earth.

For those seeking a wilderness adventure excursion, there are many Ranger-guided tours through the nearby wilds, including The Old Forest, The Weather Hills and Midgewater. Those interested in sorcery, architecture, ancient history, anthropology or archaeology may wish to visit the Barrow Downs or Fornost or the ruins of Amon Sûl. If you are interested in any of these tours, please press 1.

Note that we can no longer offer river-rafting on the Bruinen; Imladris Tours now has the exclusive rights. We will be happy to put you in touch with them. Just press 0 for assistance from the operator.

If you wish to make room reservations, press 2.

[Press 2]

The Innkeeper will be with you eventually. Please have ready your credit card information.
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us.
In order to make the stay of all our guests pleasant and comfortable, we do have some rules at The Prancing Pony that we ask you to observe. …
Check-in is any time after four o’clock. …
Check-out is no later than eleven o’clock. …
All accounts are payable in full at check-out time. …
Any damage to pillows, bolsters, mats, etc. will be charged to your room account. …
In the common room we have a strict policy of ‘No shirt, no shoes, no substantial shape—no service’. This policy is not to be understood as discrimination against Black Riders; it is in accordance with the local health and safety code. Only hobbits are excused from the no-shoes policy, as bare feet are a custom of their culture.
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us.
... [While on hold, one can hear a recording of Frodo singing Bilbo’s song about the merry old inn.] ...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. The Innkeeper will be with you eventually.
... [The song about the inn continues.] ...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. The Innkeeper will be with you eventually.
... [A second time through the same song.] ...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. The Innkeeper will be with you eventually.
... [And again.] ...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. The Innkeeper will be with you eventually.
... [And again.] ...

[Press 3]

If you want Room Service, press 1 and Nob will come. If he doesn’t come, press 1 and shout.

If you need to hire horses or ponies to points East or West, North or South, please contact our Transportation Specialist, Bob, at extension 262 (B-O-B).

If you would like to use our Expedited Messenger Service to send a package or letter, press 2.

[ November 10, 2002: Message edited by: Lostgaeriel ]

11-10-2002, 01:08 PM
Hehe! here Bag-End after the WOTR and after Frodo leaves to the Grey Havens.

Sam: Hello! You've reached the Gamgees! To leave a message for me, press one! to leave a message for Rosie, press two! to leave a message for little Elanor, press 3! to leave a message for little Frodo,press 4! to leave a message for little Rose, press 5! to leave a message for little Merry, press 6! to leave a message for little Pippin, press 7! to leave a message for little Goldilocks press 8! to leave a message for Hamfast (panting) press...(pant) 8! To leave a message for (Pant) Daisy (Pant) press..er..9. To leave a (pant) message to (pant) Primrose, press 10. (Pant) to leave a message for little Bilbo, pres (pant,pant) 11. To leave a message (pant) to (pant) litlle (Pant).....Ruby, press...(pant)12. to leave a (pant) message for Robin, press.....(pant) 13...to (pant) leave (pant) a message to little Tolman, press 14.....and press 15 if you want to ask or tell me WHY IN ERU DID I HAVE SO MANY CHILDREN, PLEASE DO SO BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW!

Thengise Greenleaf of Mirkwood
11-10-2002, 01:14 PM
LOL! That's hilarious Collette! BTW I was wondering the same question. Hmm.........

11-11-2002, 12:00 PM
Why did he have so many kids? I can answer that! 'Cause the world can always use more hobbits!

BTW GREAT message! Lol!

Lindril Arvilya
11-11-2002, 02:06 PM
"Frodo here. I'm terribly sorry, but I can't reach the phone right now. Please leave a message while I get Sam to fetch the ladder."

Arwen Melian
11-11-2002, 05:45 PM

11-11-2002, 07:31 PM
*Chortles happily* That was great! Okay, I got one!

Shelob: *skittering noises* *Heavy breathing* *drip* *drip* *faint slapping sounds* Yeeeeeeersssssssss. You have reached Her. She will help usss yersssss. We will get the precioussss back, and She will eat. Yerrrsssss. All wayssssss are watched Precioussssss. But this way is safe, yerssssss. We will lead you, preciousssss. Yersssss. *more skittering sounds* BEEP

It's hard to make a message for something that won't talk!

Lindril Arvilya
11-11-2002, 09:09 PM
Here's a different one for Shelob, thought of this in the car on the way home:
"(No Doubt starts playing) Sorry I'm not home right now, walking in a spiderweb, but leave a message and I'll call you back.... (guitar solo)"

[ November 11, 2002: Message edited by: Lindril Arvilya ]

11-12-2002, 06:04 AM
(Valinor phone central) : This is the recorded voicemail by the herald Eonwe. If your business concerns rings, Sauron, manners of wizards or anything else of middle earthern origin please dial 555-Isengard instead. If you were trying to reeach a friend, mentor or relative on an issue of social nature then be informed you that due to our continents removal from the world, the phone number you tried to reach has turned into irrationalnumber. To reach any of the valar or vanayar please rotate your telephone 180 degrees and redial. BEEEEEP

(Mordor phone central) : If you have information concerning the little sentimental memento lord Sauron has been asking about, please press 1 and wait for nazgul to arrive. If this is a crank call, please dial 1 and wait for nazgul to arrive. If your business concerns war or diplomacy, please dial 1 and wait for nazgul to arrive. If you wish to grovel, please leave your whinings on a tape, lord Sauron likes to listen to the tapes while he is bathing. And remember kids, being evil does not mean you have to make sense.... BEEEEEP

Lindril Arvilya
11-12-2002, 01:47 PM
I liked the Mordor one.

11-12-2002, 03:37 PM
Great job on the Mordor one, Bombur! That was great!

Quickbeam: Hello, you have reached Quickbeam, the hasty Ent. I am not here right now, but morning for my rowan trees. If you happen to see any orcs that may have cut down my rowan trees, please leave a message and I will be right over. *BEEP*

Arwen Melian
11-12-2002, 05:36 PM


11-14-2002, 01:41 PM
They're all great, but I think the one with he Prancing Pony was really really really great!!! ROFL!!! http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/contrib/geno/rofl.gif http://smilies.crowd9.com/contrib/Bizkit/sweat.gif

11-14-2002, 05:16 PM
yeah! The prancing pony was awesome! I really don't feel like my humble messages are up to that standard! smilies/frown.gif Ah well. If at first you don't succed, try, try agian!

Elrond's Sons [I can't remember their names and I can't find my book! But Diamond told me! Yay!]:

"You have reached Elrohir and Elladan. We are not in now, we are probably out fighting Orcs to avenge our mother. If this is a beautiful girl elf, yes, we are brave and handsome! Please leave your name and phone number after the beep. If you would like to hear a personal message, wait for instructions. If this is Aragorn, press 1. If this is Arwen, press 2. If this is Dad, press 3.

*press 1*
Hi Aragorn. Yes, we delivered your message to Arwen, and she hasn't changed her mind. In fact, she made you something. We'll be catching up with you later, and will drop it off for ya'. See ya soon!

*press 2*
Arwen, how are you, little sis? Is Aunt Gallie treating you nicely? Oh, and if that jerk Haldir is still annoying you, just tell us the word, and we'll wipe that smug look of his face. Aragorn's the man! No we haven't forgotten your package for Aragorn, yes, we'll deliver it as soon as we see him. By the way, Dad is still mad, and you owe us big. Imagine, two big strong elves like us playing deliveryboy. See ya' soon sis.

*press 3*
Hey Dad! No, we don't know where Arwen is, but if we see her we'll try to talk her out of this crazy "marrying a mortal" sceme. Y'know that Aragorn is taking on all the forces of evil. Pretty impressive for a mortal! We might drop by and give him a hand, no sense in letting Middle Earth go to Sauron, right Dad? So, see ya soon, and don't worry about the whole Arwen/Aragorn thing. It'll work out in the end."

Okay, I don't have anything against Haldir, he's just the only Lothlorien elf I could remember at the moment, and in the movie he was pretty . . .proud. Also, the Arwen message is based on my brother's attitude toward me, so if it doesn't fit "two strong elves" sorry! I liked it! smilies/tongue.gif smilies/wink.gif

[ November 14, 2002: Message edited by: Mintyztwin ]

11-14-2002, 05:28 PM
Elrohir and Elladan.

That was good, BTW, Mintyztwin. Those duplicitous guys...!

I haven't been able to think up any in ages! Pity me.

11-14-2002, 05:38 PM
Poor Diamond. I pity you. smilies/biggrin.gif Thanks so much for their names! I'll just go fix that . . . Heh heh . . .

11-16-2002, 06:40 PM
First off, let me say that you guys are good! smilies/biggrin.gif
Now then, if you don't mind, here's one from my fan fic...
Queen Nárëlindalë Aralaithiel's answering machine
"Hello, you have called the realm of Nárëlindalë Aralaithiel, High Queen of the Eldar. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please hang up and try your call again. To complain about how I talk with my beloved Legolas, press 1. To complain about my illegitimate heritage, press 2 and discuss it with my father Lord Elrond. To report alleged mistreatment of my horses, press 3 and Haldir my SPCA rep will be happy to assist you. To request a song from my minstrels, press 4. To bestow upon me praise & adoration, press 5. To speak with me directly, press 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, and 8 simultaneously, and maybe I'll answer.
To end this call, hang up the phone.
Thank you for calling! Námarië!

11-20-2002, 11:39 AM
I came up with this when I was IM-ing my friend the other day...
Saruman looks into the palantir and gets Sauron's call waiting:

"The Lord of Barad-dur is currently out destroying other civilizations and is unable to answer. To request an army, press one. To report palantir problems or theft, press two. To report information about the search for the halfling that has MY RING!!, press 3. If you are Saruman calling to whine about not having a ring of your own, press 9 and a representative will be sent out immediately to deal with you.

11-24-2002, 11:48 PM

"Hello you have reached the residence of the prettiest elf in Mirwood. If you think I'm delicious press 1. If you think I'm graceful press 2. If you think I'm pretty press 4. If you think I'm poised press 5. If you find my nacying about cute press 6. If you think I'm rugged and manly you have dialed the wrong number and may press 7 to be transfered to Aragron. If you were attempting to reach Lothlorien press 3 to be transfered. If you were shooting for Rivendell press 9. If you want to repeat this list press 0. If you want to talk to me please stay on the line.

A depress Legolas sits in his room wondering why no one ever stays on the line to talk to him.


11-25-2002, 12:05 AM

"Frodo Baggins of Bag-end here. I'm not availible to take you call as a case of sevre angst has gripped me. Please leave a message so that when this period of hardship in my life passes I know I have friend that will be there for me. I you are trying to reach Samwise Gamgee, that nasty rumor anout us is not true."


"Greetings friend of elf, you have reached to phone of Gladriel of Lothlorien. If you are looking for a mirror viewing appointment press 1. If you simply want to fawn over me press 2. If you are attempting to get in touch with Celeborn, he has no social life so feel free to hang up now.


"This is Elrond of Rivendell. If you are calling in regards to the secret meeting being held the 21st at 4pm at my council press 1. If you are looking for advice my answer is both yes and no. If you simply wish to speak with me, forget it, I am an unattainble lord of Rivendell and cannot triffle with such mortals."

The end of Elrond kind of sucks, but its 1:05 am. I'm going to bed.


11-26-2002, 05:48 PM

"You have reached the LORD of Lothlorien. I am the one in charge here. Galadriel said so. If you would like to visit our beautiful golden wood, please call Haldir at 4LO-RIEN, he takes care of our guests. If this is Gandalf, please call my beeper. I really want to talk to you. Otherwise, please leave a message after the beep. I am in charge here. Galadriel said so." *beep*

Arwen Melian
11-26-2002, 05:59 PM
Truly...i love this thread, and you people have such good ideas( sigh...I started this and never wrote one of my own..) Keep up the good work...can someone do Tom Bombadil?

good idea at the time
11-27-2002, 01:18 AM
Hi there! You've reached the home of Tom Bombadil and Goldberry. If this is Old Man Willow, you're STILL in time-out for trying to smush the cute little hobbits. If you need my assistance with something in the Old Forest, you can contact me via singing a song about my being a merry fellow and the colors of my clothing. If you have things that need to be washed, just be patient. Goldberry takes care of that at the same time every year. If you wish to leave a message, feel free to do so. I'll call you back if I remember! Oh, and Morgoth, I think your ring is a bit boring. You could at least have made it pretty...BEEEEP

-good idea at the time

11-27-2002, 11:59 AM
Tom: "Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo! Ring a ding a dingalong a dingalonga a longading. Merry-o merry-me merry-my-a-merry-mo. Fal la, la fal, falla lalla lilly lo. Lilly lo a filly ho a dilly dol a derry dol, derry dol a dolly der, dilly dally derry o."

Goldberry's voice from background: "Oh for heaven's sake, Tom, stop playing with that machine and leave a message!"

Tom: "Fa lal la la lo, derry de, derry di, dirry derry dorry o, hop a long a fop along a ring a long, hop a loppa leap along. Leave a message with a song, leave a song and don't be long, leave a song a ding a ling, leave a song after the ring."

My my, that's the most fun I've had writing anything in a while. Very bad Tom Bombadil poetry, compliments of Diamond Derry Dol.

11-27-2002, 07:25 PM
Oh, it wasn't that bad Diamond! Better than I could do, I assure ye'!

Watch, I'll prove it!
"Hey! Come merry dol! ring a dong a dillo!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
Ding dong, Hello! Leave a message at the tone,
Leave a message clear and sweet, running as the water,
A message for Tom Bombadill, and the river-daughter!
Hey ho! Ding dong, ding dong a dillo!
Leave a song for Goldberry, and merry Bombadillo!"

Hmm . . . that wasnt' as bad as I thought it would be!

11-27-2002, 09:38 PM
Oh, you guys crack me up...I'm trying to think of something, but just can't...oh, keep it up!!! This is too funny!! smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif


11-28-2002, 06:35 AM
Here's shot at one.

Samise Gamgee:
Sorry, I am busy stalking Master Frodo at this minute. If you know his whereabouts press 1. If you have some mushrooms press 2.
If you have some bacon press 3. If you have a pint or a pipe, press 4. If this is Frodo, turn around.


[ November 28, 2002: Message edited by: RiderOfRohan ]

Arwen Melian
12-01-2002, 05:48 PM
Nice job guys! smilies/smile.gif

Horse-Maiden of the Shire
01-11-2003, 02:01 AM
Sauron: (sorry if i took someones idea) Hi! You've reached the home of Sauron. I'm probably out torturing things, so leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you when they're good and mutilated.

Pippin: Hello, this is Pippin Took. I'm not available right now because I'm most likely at the Green Dragon getting drunk or stealing mushrooms from Farmer Maggot's crop. If you have any pipeweed, press 0 and I'll get back to you right away. For the rest of you, I'll try.

04-12-2003, 01:50 PM
how bout some TT ones

04-12-2003, 07:48 PM
(Sauron) "Hello,you have reached the Dark Lord Sauron. If this is one of my spies reporting on the whareobouts of my ring,press 1. If this is Shelob, press 2. If this is a Nazgul asking for another mount, press 3. If this is Saruman, calling for any reson, press 4. If this is Vallery calling about her tape recorder, be pationt, I just sent 7 out to return it to you. If this is anyone else, FEAR ME!!!!!!!

smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

Rynoah, the Overly-Happy
04-13-2003, 01:50 AM
Another Boromir one:

"Hello, you've reached Boromir. This is actually my machine. I would say 'leave a message and I'll get back to you', but I can't make that promise because... well... anyway, I just can't. You can leave a message anyway, if you like." *BEEP*


*voice is choppy and the thundering of hooves is heard in the background*

"Hi, this is Éomer. If this is an emergency, you'd better ride really fast and find me wherever I am. If you're my dement... er... gracious uncle, leave a message and a time when you'll be alone because I need to talk some sense into you. If you're that slimy thing after my sister, I don't know why you bothered to call, but you'd better keep your gangrenous hands off her or you'll find them missing. If you're my sister, leave a message. If you're anyone else, I guess you can leave a message if you really want, but I can't guarantee I'll get back to you."

It's 12:47AM, what did you expect? smilies/wink.gif

04-13-2003, 07:39 PM
*trys to climb back up on the chair after laughing so hard* wooh, those were crazy! smilies/smile.gif

nice one

04-14-2003, 01:36 PM
Hee Hee! Funny again.
Uh, let me think. I'm reusing some though.

Legolas-Hello, you've reached Legolas's machine, if this is Kimwen, See you tonight, if this is Kame, I'll call you, Diathalewen, I'm sick, Rianon, I've moved to Alaska, oh and if this is my hairdresser, you're check is in the mail.

Elrond-(in french accent)Hello? This is the maid, I was made to answer the phone, ha!
Sil-vu-plait, leave a message after the boop and I make them to call you back.
(I found that on a tape, thought it was funny)

Moria-Hi, you've reached Moria, we can't come to the phone right now because we are currently under siege, leave your name and number and the last one alive will get back to you(I hope you can speak orcish) If this is Dain, tell my family I love them, AHHHHHH!

Rynoah, the Overly-Happy
04-14-2003, 02:22 PM
Osgiliath: Thank you for calling Osgiliath. Your call is important to us. Unfortunately, we can't take any messages because our tape recorder was damaged in the last attack, so we ask that you please just ride over here and tell us what you were going to say.

*in fast "end of the car comercial voice"*
We don't take any responsibility for any damages to your person or personal posessions if you ride over here to relay a message. The name 'Osgiliath" is copyrighted to Gondor. Any materials used without prior consent is unlawful and subject to court and/or sword action.

[ April 14, 2003: Message edited by: Rynoah, the Overly-Happy ]

08-15-2003, 02:30 PM
I LOVE THESE smilies/biggrin.gif

dancing spawn of ungoliant
08-16-2003, 04:38 AM
Oh my, these are great...funny, funny thread!

"Hey ho, little friend! You have called to Tom's answering machine. I'm probably singing and dancing in the Old Forest or rescuing some hobbits but leave me a message. Hey ho!"

"You have reached Shadowfax Travel Services. For long and secret journeys press 1. For extra fast travelling press 2. For extreme riding press 3. If You are a member enter your member code and press 4. If You want to join the Mearas Club press 5. Nice travelling with Shadowfax Travel Services!"

Shire Flower
08-16-2003, 01:42 PM
Hello, you've reached the home of Peter Jackson. I'm not here right now because I am running from the "Lord of the Rings" characters who are trying to kill me because they don't like the way they were portrayed in the movies. Please leave a message and I'll try to get back to you when I can sneak back to my house, dodging all the axes, arrows, swords, knives, rotten vegetables, etc. that are flying my way. Thanks.


08-16-2003, 04:23 PM
"Hello. You have reached the home of Denethor, Steward of Gondor. Unfortunately, I can't come to the phone right now because I'm either yelling at Faramir, looking into a palantir and slowly driving myself insane, or lighting myself on fire just for the heck of it. If this is Faramir, then get your good-for-nothing butt out there and start fighting. If this is Meela, I still have yet to respond to the last fifty billion messages of hero worship you left. *BEEP*

I know, that wasn't that good...

[ August 16, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

08-16-2003, 04:58 PM
"Hi, you have reached Arwen and...oh I think I pressed the wrong button, daddy. Oh I didn't?? I'm still on the microphone thing?? Oh sorry. Um, this is Arwen and if you are Aragorn then... oh no, I pressed it again. Daddy!!" *Pause* Elrond's voice in the background: "No, sweetie, you're still being recorded, see the red light?"
"Oooh, it's pretty!"
"Yes, love, well when the pretty red light is on, that means you're being recorded okay?"
"Okay. Should I start again?"
"Yes, sweetie."
"Okay, I think I'm starting again now. Hi! You have reached Arwen!! If you are Aragorn then press 1 to be put through to my daddy. He wants to talk to you about some sort of ring or something. Maybe he wants you to marry me?? *Schoolgirl giggles* Anyway, if this is one of my friends, then ...oh no I pressed it again...um...daddy? Oh no, he's gone...where is the pretty light? Oh it's still on!!! Hi this is Arwen...oh, I'm not starting again....um...*Beepng is heard as she presses random buttons* um....which one ends this? Oh yeah, just leave a message if you're anyone else...And Grandma, Stop calling and saying all those BIG words!!! And Also...Oh wait...oops I pressed it aga-"


Sorry about that, couldnt resist smilies/tongue.gif smilies/biggrin.gif


08-16-2003, 06:23 PM
that is the funniest thing i love it!!!*falls of of chair* I'm okay

08-16-2003, 07:01 PM
hello you have reached gandalf the grey
if you are sauron go cut an onion
if you are saruman you still need to pay my hospital bill about the ...uh....incident in isengard if you are a hobbit in need of adventures call my cell number 715-1wiz smilies/biggrin.gif

[ August 16, 2003: Message edited by: Maikadurwen ]

Arwen Melian
08-16-2003, 09:47 PM
OMG! All these were wonderful . I think I'll die laughing...especially the one with the nd of car commercial voice. Lol! smilies/smile.gif

08-16-2003, 10:01 PM
lol! These are great! Let me add a few...

(Galadriel) I already know who you are and why you are calling, so you might as well hang up at the beep because I don't want to talk to you anymore, Gimli. No, I will not make you a wig with my hair. Stop calling me. The restrainig order is in the mail. --BEEP!--

(Tom Bombadil) Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong-- ah, screw it. You've reached the answering machine of 'Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo'. At least I was jolly, but then again I also thought I'd have a part in the FotR movie. I sent in an audition tape with all my songs on it; did Peter Jackson not get them? I thought I was fabulous in those tapes, don't you, Goldberry? 'Not necessary to the plot'? Who does this Jackson jerk think he is?! I have half a mind to march right over to New Zealand and shove him into the knoll of a willow tree right now. See what he thinks of me with a several twigs shoved right up his--BEEP!--

(Boromir) *disco music in background* You have reached the answering machine of the future Steward of Gondor and undefeated Disco King, Boromir. I am not here right now due to a disturbing dream me and my brother have been experiencing. I've gone to Rivendell to seek out the expertise of the Elvish tarot card readers. Please leave a message and resume doing the wave. Thank you. --BEEP!--

(Denethor) Hello, this is Denethor. I'm not able to answer the phone right now because I am currently combing the city in search of flammable material. If you have access to any said substance, please press one. If you have any matches in your possession, please press two. If you are Meela, then for Eru's sake stop calling me, woman! Don't make me come over there; I'm a Steward on the edge! --BEEP!--

[ August 17, 2003: Message edited by: arianrod ]

[ August 17, 2003: Message edited by: arianrod ]

dancing spawn of ungoliant
08-17-2003, 03:25 AM
Heh, The Disco King lives! ...oops I pressed it aga-"
Great, I loved it smilies/biggrin.gif !!!

"This is Grimas answering machine. If this is Saruman: I'm still poisoning Théodens mind but I could come for a visit soon.
If this is Éowyn: Hey sweetie! Would you have lunch with me sometime...and by the way - I know what you do at nights *bwahahaha* so WOULD you have lunch with me!!!
And if this is Théoden:all I say is that Gandalf Lathspell is evil! Don't trust him, I will take care of everything. You just sit there in your Golden Hall, everything's fine...just fine...BEEEP"

08-17-2003, 10:13 AM
(Legolas) Mae Govannen! You've reached the answering machine of the Elven prince of Mirkword, Legolas. Sorry I'm not in right now, but I'm off having a shopping spree at the Gap of Rohan. If you are Aragorn and would like for me to pick you up a tasteful shirt (you really need one, man; you've been wearing the same ragged thing for, like, 20 years), please call my cell phone at 'elf-god1' (353-4631). If you are anyone else, leave a message and I will get back to you within the next year or so. Or whenever I get back, whichever comes first. Meaning you should expect my call in a year or so. --BEEP!--

[ August 17, 2003: Message edited by: arianrod ]

Shire Flower
08-17-2003, 11:20 PM
These are hilarious. I thought about doing a Denethor one... but the only thing that came to mind was, "You've reached the estate of Lord Denethor of Gondor. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm trying to burn myself up...."

No one has done Merry or any of the Ringwraiths yet.....

08-18-2003, 10:31 AM
Okay, I'll try my hand at a Ring Wraith one, since those guys are so groovy. smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/wink.gif

*In a very camp voice* "Oh, hello, you've reached the Nazgul, Ring Wraiths, Black Riders, The Nine...oh dear, we have so many names, but we love them all dearly. We are so sorry that we could not answer your call, but we're probably chasing some cute little man and that She Elf. She has absolutely NO sense when it comes to fashion! We just HAVE to change her look. But anyway, you don't want to hear about all that, do you dears? If you DO want to hear our Nazgul Fashion Tips press 1 and we'll open your eyes to the wonderful world of style. If this is Sauron, then hello love. We're working as fast as we can to get that ring that you want, but Bill saw this GORGEOUS necklace in Bree and thought you might like that instead? The ring is SO tacky, dear, it really isn't you.
If this is Sarumon, then we would just like to apologise about taking that lovely bracelet from your jewlerry box, but Eric just couldn't resist!" *Voice in background* "Oh, Pete, you little grass!"
*Pete* "Heeheehee...anyway, loves. We're gonna have to love you and leave you because this message is so long. I doubt it will let me make it much longe-"

Okay, that was terrible, but I JUST woke up. JUST. And it's FIVE in the afternoon. Bad Naurwen. smilies/biggrin.gif

Yours sleepily,


the guy who be short
08-18-2003, 10:32 AM
Hello, you have reached Gandalf Airlines, the only way to fly, you fools. We do flights across Middle Earth, from the wastes of the North to Harad, from Rhovanion to Valinor. Please state your business after the tone, and a balrog will be there to fly you shortly.
*quick end of cormercial voice* Gandalf Airlines will not take responsibility for wingless and thus flightless Balrogs, lost possessions or burns of any degree, including death. "The only way to fly, you fools," registered trademark second age 1492.

08-18-2003, 07:43 PM
Hello, you have reached Gandalf Airlines, the only way to fly, you fools.

lol! Brilliant! smilies/tongue.gif

One Axe to Rule them All
08-19-2003, 09:21 AM
Sauron: You have reached the evil lair of the dark lord of mordor.

If you have information on the whereabouts of MY RING then press 1... now.

If this is my mother, I told you already, I can't come home for your birthday.

If this is saruman, then Go away! i don't want any more of those "Frodo lives" T-shirts you made before the two towers premiered!

Anyone else, I have caller ID and an army of orcs are coming to pillage your village!

08-19-2003, 10:47 AM
Denethor: Hello, you have reached the Steward of Gondor. I'm busy preparing for my Bar-B-Que, so I may not get back to you... But leave a message if you insist...

lame? Yeah : p

08-24-2003, 10:31 PM
THE RING: This is Isildur's Bane. Sorry I couldn't take your call right now, but I'm currently being carried by a pathetic little halfling who thinks he can destroy me. Most inconvinient. If this is Sauron, I'm on my way; look for two small men and a deformed frog. If this is the Nazgul, where have you guys been?! I've been sending you vibes for months and there hasn't been a sign of you since that stupid near-run-in at the Dead Marshes! C'mon, I've nearly gift-wrapped this guy for you multiple times, yet you always drop the ball. I suggest you step it up a notch, you pathetic excuses for the terrifying undead. And lastly, if this is Gollum, you scare me. Your time's over. Call me 'precious' one more time and I'll send the Nazgul on you (if *ever* reply to the memos, that is). --BEEP!--

the guy who be short
08-25-2003, 10:38 AM
Hello, you have reached Radagast the Brown. If you're wondering, no, I did NOT fail in my mission. Stupid cousin gets all the fame, damn him! Why, if he didn't know me, he wouldn't have got into Beorn's home. And what then? The idiot hobbit would have died, the ring would be lost. And it was all prevented because of ME! Me me ME! But where's my fame? Where's my parade? Oh, and if this is Gandalf, go-

[ August 25, 2003: Message edited by: the guy who be short ]

09-08-2003, 04:33 PM

*voice is choppy and the thundering of hooves is heard in the background*

"Hi, this is Éomer. If this is an emergency, you'd better ride really fast and find me wherever I am. If you're my dement... er... gracious uncle, leave a message and a time when you'll be alone because I need to talk some sense into you. If you're that slimy thing after my sister, I don't know why you bothered to call, but you'd better keep your gangrenous hands off her or you'll find them missing. If you're my sister, leave a message. If you're anyone else, I guess you can leave a message if you really want, but I can't guarantee I'll get back to you."

*dies laughing*

09-09-2003, 04:31 PM
Hello, you have reached Gwaihir's Air Service. To report on one of our Eagles, please press 1. If this is Manwe, please press * twice. If this is a bunch of elves who arn't supposed to be in the story but are there anyway instead of the Dunedain... We're very sorry, but Ella accidentally used our film contracts for her nest...

Gwaihir Air Services- Flyin Friendly


Elen Ilúvitauri
09-10-2003, 07:31 PM
"Hi, this is the trueowner of ASFALOTH! Im not here at the moment... (yes i do live at Rivendell, im an elf lord remember!) So leave a message for me after the beep. Oh yeah, if this is Peter Jackson, i am probably going to kill you as soon as ive got my bloody horse back. If this is Arwen, yes, im still trying to kill you. If this is Aragorn, um.... *long pause** you are violating my restraning order!! please dont kill me. If you see my horse, tell me, that manipulating vixen Arwen has taken him for the last time!!!!"

The Only Real Estel
09-11-2003, 09:44 AM
I'm tired of writing these things down smilies/eek.gif Hopeully you just copy pasted them! smilies/eek.gif

Lady Alasse
09-13-2003, 06:16 PM
ok here goes! this may be really pathetic...

Theoden's answering machine: (Voice of Wormtongue) You have reached Theoden King. If you are Gandalf Stormcrow then hang up you picker of bones I wont return... I mean Theoden King is far to busy to listen to the bringer of ill-news. If you are anyone else don't call again and trouble the kings mind with your worthless prattling.

Ok I know it isn't to great but I'm working on it. Now heres his message after helms deep

Theoden: Greetings, You have reached Theoden, King of the mark. I can't come to the phone right now. If you are a Rider of Theoden. Arise, Arise, Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter! spear shall be shaken, sheild shall be splintered, a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor! Your late!!! If this is that snake Wormtongue I don't want to here about how Saruman is treating you hang up. if this is Eowyn, no you may not go with us to Gondor. If this is Aragorn. I know how to run my kingdom very well thank you sir. I do not need any advice from a young upstart ranger and you stay away from Eowyn.