Things you should never say to LOTR characters

[My Cat Sasha]

What shouldn't you say to LOTR characters?

[Meela]

Gee, Legolas, your hair needs a good brushing!

[Horse-Maiden of the Shire]

Aragorn, did anyone ever tell you that with that long hair you look like a woman?

[Meela]

Boromir, Gondor is dumb.

Gollum, can i have your ring?

Hawo uncaw Sawumannyyy!!

(hello uncle saruman in plain english smilies/smile.gif)

[Meela]

gee, Haldir... that time of the month again?

[VanimaEdhel]

Galadriel? Erm...Galadriel? Ummm...well, I took the mirror, you know, your bowl thing...well...and...well...it...I was really careful, I promise, but...well...here you go. *Hands her little shards*

[Lindril Arvilya]

Rabid Fan: "OMG!!! You're Orlando Bloom!!!! You're like so totally hot!!!"
Legolas: "I'm who?"

[Lindril Arvilya]

"Dude, Strider, your sword's like broken or something. You should get a new one... how're you supposed to fight with a piece of junk like that?"

[My Cat Sasha]

"Theoden? Did I mention you die in the end? Well, I just thought I'd let you know."

"Saruman, I'm an environmentalist. Hug a tree."

[Manardariel]

"Look, Treethingy, can we please hurry up???"

"Frodo, keep the ring. It´ll make you happy. It´s not evil." (The probem is, he´d believe you)

Arwen, you do know Aragorn´s cheating on you with that hot human chick from Rohan, don´t you?

Use your brains, Pippin! (And die in the attempt?)

Come on, Sam. Forget Frodo. He´s got Gollum now.

[Elven Mistress]

"Hey, Galadriel, try some of these noodles i cooked in that bowl over there!" *point to her mirror*

[Orual]

Come on, Treebeard, sponteneity is the spice of life!

Hey, Gollum, like my ring?

Eowyn, a woman's place is in the kitchen.

[Daewen]

Erm...Galadriel...was I supposed to drink that? *points to mirrior*
Oh my gawd, Bombadil will you just SHUT UP!
Hey Saruman, nice manicure.
Sam, Frodo hates you. You've gotta leave him.

[Dark Shadow]

Hey Legolas, don't look now but there's Balrog behind you.... smilies/eek.gif

(to the whole fellowship) Hey look, there's another one of them Nazgúls right there... but I wouldn't worry.... smilies/wink.gif

[ January 01, 2003: Message edited by: Dark Shadow ]

[Helkahothion]

Hey Bombadil, singing is for pansies!!

(When the Hobbits are Hiding under the tree for the Nazg?l)
Hey stupid, there underneeth those root's.

Galadriel, really, but white isn't your color.

Hey legolas, you look like a sissy in those thight's. (ehm NOT he looks totaly hot in those)

And I could go on about it for ages.

Greetings,

Anuion
________
VOLCANO VAPORIZER (http://vaporizer.org/reviews)

[VanimaEdhel]

Legolas, you're ugly and no one likes you. Go away.

Gimli! Did you cut your beard?

You know, Aragorn, I saw the future. You're going to steal the ring and take over and become and evil dark lord.

You're really not son of the Steward of Gondor, Boromir. Sorry. It just came out. Now you get nothing. Oh, and you're going to die too...

You're a really horrid gardner, Sam.

Not...funny...Pippin...

You know, I think you're getting skinny, Merry!

Frodo, you know that whole story we told you about the ring? Well, we were lying. All the power and suffering was a figment of your imagination.

Ummm...Mithrandir...hate to break it to you, but...you're developing lung cancer. You have to stop smoking.

You aren't so tough Sauron! You're so cuuuuuuuuuute!

Gollum, bad news, all the fish in the world miraculously disappeared.

Aaaah...Masssssssster Elrond! Hmmm...anyone ever told you that you need to work on your eyebrow shape? And have you seen that Jack Black parody? Well, he was right: you might want to rethink your crown choice.

Hey! Haldir! Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul. And you also walk to loudly, that Gimli could have thrown an axe on you, were you in the Void! Haha!

[Horse-Maiden of the Shire]

Hey Gollum want this fish? Too bad its mine.

Frodo, did you know that whenever you're scared you look like youre going to wet yourself? Work on your 'scared' face.

In the mines of Moria
gandalf is reading the book: Hey SHUT UP!!Pippin's about to knock a skeleton down a well!

Gimli, your cousins suck.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Eomer, get a goddam haircut, hippy.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Uh, Galadriel? see that thing over there? *points to mirror* well, it gave me a vision and I got pretty scared and had a seizure and went on a bit of an insane rampage and trashed your house and your land and everything and that husband of yours got caught up in it and now what's left of him is hanging in that tree over there. Yeah, see that mess of blood and gore, in that beech there? Yeah. Sorry babe.

[Duncariel]

Legolas- (one of his angry moments) Forget your hairbrush?

[Lush]

Pippin-"No alcohol 'till I see a valid ID."

Gandalf-"This is clearly labeled as a SMOKE FREE area, twit."

Gimli-"You have absolutely no taste in women, old chap."

[Pallando B.C]

Lets go Silmarillion for a sec....

....to Fëanor - " Look, don't worry about some bright little stones, it's not like you were bound to them or anything"

[Nimrothiel]

Lol! This is from a scene in the movie where Gimli appears to be flirting with Eowyn.

"Give it up, Gimli! You haven't got a chance with her, she marries Faramir!"

Okay, that was dumb. smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Blue Elf]

Legolas - Legolas, my hair is better than your any day!! (note: my hair is really short for a girl, dark brown, and generally greasy)

Gandalf - lay off the break dancing

Elrond - (right in the middle of the council) Geez, you're a grumpo!!

Aragorn - Silly Aragorn, girls, especially Arwen, don't like the rugged look anymore.

Winged Nazgul - Oh you're sooo cute!! may I have you for a pet?

Frodo - (right after he has destroyed the Ring) Frodo, I hate to tell you, but that was the wrong Ring...you have to restart your quest

Gollum - That Baggins, do you know what he wants to do with the Ring? He wants to make all the fish in the world dissapear!!

Okay, not that great, but I tried...

[Helkahothion]

My dear Blue elf,

Every where I look you turn up and say something funny here's another one for instance:
Frodo - (right after he has destroyed the Ring) Frodo, I hate to tell you, but that was the wrong Ring...you have to restart your quest

Hahahahahahahaha, liked that one.

Greetings,

Anuion
________
Chrysler Br Platform Specifications (http://www.dodge-wiki.com/wiki/Chrysler_BR_platform)

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Eowyn, dinner on' table now! (In thick Yorkshire accent for comedy purposes)

Unless you enjoy getting slapped, in which case, give this one a go.

[Blue Elf]

Helkahothian (sp?)

I am known for having low self esteem...thing is, some people love my stuff, but some people don't, and I see a lot of stuff, and assume my stuff is bad. Habit. I sound like Eeyore, don't I? Nothing wrong with that though, Eeyore is cool!!

Oh, this isn't something not to say to a LotR character, but a few things they should have said...

Sauron (as the ring falls into Mt. Doom): I knew I should have gotten insurance!!

Gandalf (reading the Ring): Made in Japan.

(same scene again, different words)
Frodo: Gandalf, I cannot read the fiery letters!
Gandalf: And what makes you think I can?

Well, a little off topic, but I wanted to put em in anyhow...

[purplefluffychainsaw]

Aragorn meet the hairbrush. And the hair shampoo. NOW USE THEM
Frodo, I don't if anyone's told you but thats a fake **Points to the one ring**
Treebeard, this is my axe. And Yes, I do use it on trees
Eru, your singing is rubbish!
(To any Hobbit) err, you need to go on a diet
smilies/tongue.gif

[Blue Elf]

Sauron: When you do get that Ring, where are you going to wear it anyhow?
(His reply): Uh oh....I never thought about that....

To Frodo: Frodo, Maggot's after you for stealing those mushrooms!!

To Bilbo: It's the Sackville-Baggins, run, run!!

To Arwen: Aragorn is cheating you, y'know.


I tried.... smilies/tongue.gif

[cannedpoatoe]

To Aragorn-Everyone knows you don't know where your taking us, we're going to get lost and die all because of you and your messed up sword that has a name and well Legolas was kind of practicing with his bow and arrow and killed Arwen. Just thought you should know.(the fellowhip)

[Ebony]

Faramir, you're just like your brother!

Hey Treebeard, we're going to be building a sawmill right here on the banks of the Entwash.

To Gandalf: Fool of a wizard!

Legolas, don't look now, but I think your hair's on fire.

(While looking at Gloin): Won't you introduce me to your mother, Gimli?

(While looking at Gimli): So Legolas, what did you say your dog's name was?

Sam, Frodo's just a big moron.

Hey Saruman! There's 400 more acres of forest just over that hill.

To a Nazgul: Sing me a lullabye, won't you?

To a Barrow Wight: Hello, I'm from the ME archeological society, and I'm here to collect these ancient treasures and put them in a museum.

How's it hangin', Maedhros?

Hey Arwen, who was that blonde I saw Aragorn with last night?

Hey Elrond, who was that blonde I saw Aragorn with last night?

Maedhros, could you give me a hand?

Frodo, if Gollum gives you any grief, just give him the finger.

Gollum, you don't want that ring. It doesn't go with your ensemble.

No Legolas, there's one hundred and six riders of Rohan, not one hundred and five. Man, I think you need glasses!

[Blue Elf]

HAHAHAHAHA, those were funny...okay, I'm making an attempt at some more (these are fun to write)

Treebeard - Oh yes, and that handmade wooden sculpture I just gave you, well, um, that was your buddy Quickbeam...

Grima - HAHA!! You have a green face!! (so random...but did anyone notice that in the movie?)

[Hirilaelin]

To Aragorn: Happy Birthday! Herbal Essences!

To Legolas: Um, you missed the orc...

To Gandalf: Fool of a wizard!

To Pippin: Here you go! One brain transplant!

From Aragorn: Hey buddy, sorry, but the White Citys toast!

Well, these aren't very good, but I tried!

~Hirilaelin

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

To anyone in Middle-Earth: That Galadriel is a right mutt isn't she?

[Finiel]

To Galadriel:
That was a mirror?! I thought it was a erm...uh... toilet.

To Celeborn:
Gimli's hitting on your wife.

To Feanor:
Your head's gonna pop from being super inflated.

To Legolas:
Don't try so hard to look at far away distances coz your eyes meet when you overdo it.

To Luthien:
Snow White is prettier than you.

[Ebony]

To Shelob: Bite me!

To Saruman: Oh, yeah? You and what army?

To the Balrog: Got a light?

[cannedpoatoe]

Legolas: Ya know since you can walk on snow and everything why dont you carry a hobbit?
Gandalf: You need to trim your beard
Gimli: I saw the same ax at the village dump
Frodo:That ring will kill you, why don't you just give up and bury it in your garden?
Merry and Pippin: Why did you come? GO HOME!
Sam:You know you bug the crap out of Frodo right? He's only got you along because you can cook.
Gollum:You look like an idiot calling a ring precious all the time you ugly git.

well....i tried
smilies/confused.gif smilies/smile.gif

[Ebony]

Aragorn, is it true what they say about elf girls being easy?

Pippin, you look after the food.

To Lurtz: I'm coming over for dinner - be there around eight.

To a cave troll: Anything longer than 2 syllables.

[Helkahothion]

Here I go,

To cavetrol:Go away! You are to stupid to play chess.

To any Uruk-Hai: Actualy you are not a perfected form of Orc. Your just plain ugly and have the same brain capacity as a peanut.

To Legolas: Ehm Legsie. I was playing with matches and accidently burned down Mirkwood.

To Legolas: I was playing with your bow a little and....well....uhm......before I broke it in two peaces I accidently shot down Gimli.

To Sam: Frodo is a loser and you can't even put a plant straight in a hole. You really are a moron arren't you? Oh and P.S. I am marrying Rosie. HAHAHA so there.

Hope you like em.

Greetings,

Anuion
________
Kleemann (http://www.mercedes-wiki.com/wiki/Kleemann)

[Blue Elf]

HAHAHAHA!! Some of those are really funny!!

To Treebeard: You know those cute hobbits? Yeah, well, they really just want to chop you and your friends down.

To Legolas: Your hair is on fire.

To Saruman: *eats Saruman and chews on him happily, and then spits him out* Oh, you're the real Saruman....I thought you were Saru-gum...(for more info, please visit here (http://forum.barrowdowns.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=17&t=000411) ...some day, I will get very rich off Saru-gum, and then I shall force Saruman to become my personal Saru-gum mascot and wear a pink costume.......mwahahahahaha!!)
(the rest of the Fellowship hears me, and they start grabbing bits of Saruman and eating him. The end. I've had too much sugar today.)

To the Nazgul: You're so cuuuuute!! I want you for a pet!! (Nazgul looks very scared, and backs away slowly)

Pippin & Merry: Have you heard that all the mushrooms in the world dissapeared?

Galadriel: You know that little bird bath thing of yours? Well, um, it kind of broke when I was testing my bomb in there...

[cannedpoatoe]

Legolas: Are you sure your really an elf? even the dwarf could see those orcs coming!
Galadriel:Umm...was that bowl thingie imporatnt?(asked inncoently)well it kind of rolled down the hill and landed in the creek.
Gandalf: Geez your old!
TreeBeard:well you see the thing is i was kind of playing with Gimli's ax and well...(holds up a tree branch)

[cannedpoatoe]

Merry and Pippin:hey look, are those mushrooms? PSHYCE!
Legolas:Ya know you look like a freak running around in those tights
Sam:Frodo hates you, especially since you forgot the rope!

[Ebony]

To Boromir: Come on! It's only a flesh wound. Get up and fight like a man!

My you're looking Sharpe today Boromir. Is that an Arrow shirt you're wearing?

So Gandalf, it's great that Frodo destroyed the ring and all, but what am I going to do with the other six I have just like it at home?

Gimli! That's not face cream, it's NAIR!

Aragorn, you know that old story about how Sauron broke your sword? Ah, well, they're not exactly true. Actually, Gimli tried to shave with it.

[Oddwen]

To Leggy: Holy cow man, you've got dirt under your fingernail there!
Leggy's response: AIEEEEE!!
To Frodo: Ooh, your eyes are so huge, how many minutes does it take to blink? That's why you're so skinny, right? Because blinking helps you to lose weight?
To Merry: Wow, your nose is the biggest I've ever seen! Like, wow!
To Gandy: Dude, like, chill.
To Celeborn: Hey, can you talk a little faster? I find myself being distracted by that pretty little bug there...
Galadriel's response: A BUG?
To Pippin: Hey, can you help me with my homework?
To Elrond: Don't worry, be happy!
To Leggy: DIE!
Fool of an elf! Fool of a dwarf! Fool of a man! Fool of a fool! Fool of a wizard, oh wait, that's me.

Funny, maybe. Wierd, yes.

"How's it hangin', Maedhros?" LOL! I'm literally tearing up. smilies/smile.gif

[wass_up666]

like the last one
fool of a whatever blah blah blah

[wass_up666]

how come all u scums are all picking on legolas??
y o y? pick in sauroman and those gits not pretty hoy her
alrite!!!

[Inderjit Sanghera]

To sam-"Frodo is a fool."

[Mister Underhill]

wassup, I think you've scored a perfect 26 out of 26 inane posts. Your privileges have been revoked.

[Annunfuiniel]

To Gimli: "Watch out, shorty!"
"It takes quite a big leap to get
to the other side. Maybe I should
toss you?"
To Ringwraith (after "Sssshhire? Bagginsssshhh?" -part): "Pardon? Could you
repeat that, please?"
To Legolas: "Oh, don't you just love the
seaside? I can almost here the
seamews' screams..."

[Sadbh]

Gollum: Gollum, let it go. The precious is crud. It's sort of stupid, if you think about it.

Eru: Don't you just hate music?

Legolas: Bad news, Legs. Haldir's the new you.

Grima: Can you not grow eyebrows? I've always wondered...

Glorfindel: Hey, d'you wanna here a dumb blonde joke I just heard?

Galadriel: Um... about the stain on your mirror... well my parrot really likes birdbaths and...

Haradrim and Mumakil: Hey, look, carnies!

Treebeard: Look at this great table! I just ordered it from JC Penny's, solid wood and everything!

Not too hilarious, but passable.
smilies/smile.gif

[Purple Elf]

Lurtz honey your eyes look a mite bloodshot (sympathetic voice) another night on the tiles eh? why don't you go home and get some sleep?

[Rosseiliantiel]

Ok, Frodo, thanks for the number, I'll give you a ring some...time...oops

[Zohariel]

Arwen, Aragorn is going to die. Deal with it.

Eowyn, Theodred is dead. Get over it.

Eomer, go get yourself some lips.

Frodo, you look a total ponce in that mithril.

Just face it Aragorn, Legolas is soooo
much better looking than you.

How's the plastic surgery going Haldir?

Three words Gimli. Cut. Your. Hair.

Boromir, did anyone ever tell you that shield is actually a dinner plate?

Well actually Legolas, I set your hair on fire. Muahahaha!

Oh go play with your barbie Eowyn.

Rosie, I hope you know that Sam is in love with Frodo.

Gandalf, did I mention that the entire year's crop of pipeweed has been obliterated? Never mind old chap...

Urgh, Elrond! Did you fart?

Hey Celeborn. Any reason why you're wearing a dress?

Or

Hey Celeborn, didn't know you were a cross dresser.

[My Cat Sasha]

Gollum, did I mention I'm an Elf?

Gandalf, I stole your hat and lost it somewhere in Moria. I just thought I'd let you know.

[Antien]

hey legolas, your aim sucks! why not look slightly less gay by getting a haircut?

[Meela]

Hey, Denethor, I'd like you to meet the Minas Tirith counsellor.

Here, Denethor, have a box of matches!

To Haldir: Ha! You're gonna die!!

Hey, Aragorn, you do know you're not the real Isildur's Heir, right?

[Meela]

Hey, Grima, you got a tweezer obsession or what?

[Helkahothion]

hahahahahahaha man you guys really crack me up.

Greetings,

Anuion
________
Mxr-01 (http://www.ford-wiki.com/wiki/Mazda_MXR-01)

[Aerandir Carnesir]

Hey Denethor! What's cooking?

Boromir, can you play "76 Trombones"?

Pippin, what kind of mushrooms are those?

To Shelob: Hey! Look what I found on the bottom of my shoe! (Shows a smushed spider)

He! He! How are those?

[GaladrieloftheOlden]

I can't think of a funny one with this right now, but I'd be interested to see what you could come up with up: Gimli's grandpa's name is Groin. Now that's nasty. My humor is always either really twisted, or kindergarden level. I'll give it a try though.
Nazgul (only people who have read the bad Russian translation of LotR, there's two, one's bad, might get this. But then, they probably won't think it's funny.) Seriously, "Sumnicksssss.......Shire...." sounds so crummy. The new thing is Baggins, didn't you hear?
To Butterbur- now, send out this letter for me, but I will be back in a week to personally will be checking that it has been sent.
To Gollum- Oh my god! Fish are so out! Get some lembas...it's the urge....for lembas!
To Rosie- You know, Sam is only using you as a cover for somebody special...

[Horse-Maiden of the Shire]

LOL! Funny!

Frodo you pansy! Stop being such a coward and get a life! And stop stroking that ring, you're making me sick!

Hey, Gandalf? Can you do some REAL magic?

Psst...Elrond...I think you mistook Arwen's tiara for your crown.

S'all for now.

[GaladrieloftheOlden]

Lol! I really like the tiara one.
Wormtongue- Oh my god! I have to tell you! That Eowyn, she is like, sooo ugly! I mean, who dresses like that?! Oh, and she's getting married. Wanna come? smilies/eek.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/evil.gif

[ March 03, 2003: Message edited by: GaladrieloftheOlden ]

[ March 03, 2003: Message edited by: GaladrieloftheOlden ]

[Meela]

(cant do quotes)

"Hey Denethor! Whats cooking?"

*rolls on the floor laughing and doesnt stop for a fortnight*

[lord of dor-lomin]

(to Aragorn) "Eighty, eh? Don't you think you're a bit old for this?"

(to Sauron) "I know where the ring is." (unless you like being tortured)

(to the ring) "Go home!"

[Helkahothion]

Groin, hahahahahaha. I loved the Denethor one as wel. The funniest thing is: Those Leggyboppers don't get it. That makes it even better.

Can't think up any right now.

Greetings,

Anuion
________
The dearborn independent (http://www.ford-wiki.com/wiki/The_Dearborn_Independent)

[the real nazgul]

To Gollum: Ha Ha! Fooled you! The real ring is in my pocket.

To Treebeard: Say, have we run out of firewood?

To Galadriel: WOW! Nice bird bath!

To Legolas: Oh dear. We have run out of tights.

To Legolas:MMMM, nice Lembas bread! Say, do you have any marmite to go with this?

To Aragorn (trying to recover after Boromirs death): We haven't had food for days! Its like im DYING! Ah, my feet are KILLING me! Luckly our path only goes DEAD straight!(sobs of Aragorn).

To Gimli: Oooo, that gap looks long. Looks like we have to toss you over.

To Frodo: Fool! Thats a wedding ring!

To Pippin: Oh dear, Second Breakfast has been banned.

[ElenCala Isil]

Hey you guys? [to hobbits] you're feet are realllly hairy you know that?

Hey Gandalf, I wonder what would happen if I unplugged this wire coming from your staff!

Legolas, dude, your dropped your travel pack of hair care products somewhere near the caves of Moria, thought ya might wanna kno smilies/biggrin.gif

~Elencala

[Aerandir Carnesir]

To Beorn: (imitating Smokey Bear) Only you can prevent forest fires! Eh Beorn!? Eh?

To Gandalf (With the wolves below the Misty Mountains): Oh yeah Gandalf? Look what I can do!(pulls out a small lighter)

To Gollum(mockingly): Ha Ha! What has it got in it's pocketses? Ha Ha! You're so naive!

Not bad, eh?

[Nevvasaiel]

(to any ringwraith) : ok, you can drop the lisp now!!!

ringwraith: what lisp?

or .....

listen, i know a really really good speech therapist..

[ArrowOracle]

Gimli: So...I hear your cousins Grumpy and Doc are in town...

Gollum: I don't have The Ring...But I do!

Gandalf: Well...I see someone listened to me and used Tide!

Cave Troll: Hey...did you by anychance work for Harry Potter at one time?

[Annunfuiniel]

To Legolas: So, you'll become the king after your father, aye? And what kingdom will you rule?? Legoland???

[Quirkette]

The water here is pretty polluted, Gollum. You might wanna cook that fish.

Aragorn, don't you think that necklace is a little girly for you?

Wow, Gandalf, Shadowfax just had the biggest poop!

You've got Dutch elm disease! (To an ent)

Bilbo, you cheapskate! Of all the things in Bag End you could give me, this is the last thing I'd want!

[Everdawn]

Legolas: Did you really think that by hiding under a bush those carbain couldnt see you... and people call me blonde!

Aragorn: Dude i think you need your hearing checked.. how could you not hear all thoes uruk-hai runnig up that hill with creaking armour before you told Frodo to go alone to Mordor? Really....

Legolas: LOOK CROW!

Elrond: so, this a programme on the martix, right?