The Phantom And Alien Episode 1: Death of a Naturist By Joel Cornah EXT: The Phantom’s barrow - Night. It is a large and homely barrow but with hundreds of garden Gnomes outside all holding machetes and with terrible grins on there faces. The stone door at the front is covered in ‘keep out’ signs written in every language available. THE PHANTOM, walks down the garden. He is an arrogant narcissistic fellow dressed in a long dark blue robe and hood, his face is hidden and all that can be seen are two luminous white eyes. In both hands he caries shopping bags filled with light bulbs. He trots up to the front door humming a dirty song. He pushes the door open and enters, closing the door with a bang behind him. INT: The Phantom’s hallway – Night The hall is a plain stone affair with pictures of The Phantom in various poses hung on the wall in golden frames. Some of the paintings are signed; “To my dear Phantom, love Phantom” followed by a series of lipstick marks. The floor is covered in green slime. PHANTOM ignores it and marches through to the kitchen mumbling something about getting a Plummer in. INT: The Kitchen – Night PHANTOM enters the kitchen and fits a light bulb into a lamp on the wall. He turns it on and the light reveals that the stonework kitchen is an utter mess. Pots and pans are scattered all over the floor and slime covers the floor, walls and ceiling. Cursing, PHANTOM goes to the fridge only to find it empty. PHANTOM: I filled this up this morning! He closes the fridge with anger and then turns around only to see ALIEN standing over his shopping bags, examining the contents. ALIEN is made entirely of bright green slime; his head is shaped like a dinosaur’s head with two large eyes with blue pupils. He has no body, but his neck reaches down to the floor where he is simply a splat of slime. ALIEN: Hi Phantom! I broke your bath so I flushed it down the Toilet. Oh, and your toilet is broken too. PHANTOM: Who are you? ALIEN laughs and picks up some light bulbs with his mouth and eats them cheerily. PHANTOM rushes over and snatches the bag from under ALIEN’S nose. ALIEN grins stupidly and begins humming ‘Rule Britannia’ off key. ALIEN proceeds to wander around the kitchen, leaving bright green slime wherever he goes. ALIEN: Hay, Phantom, you’ll never guess what I just saw! A Man eating Fish [ALIEN laughs] THE PHANTOM stare baffled at the creature and then approaches cautiously. He narrows his eyes in his trade mark way. PHANTOM: Why are you in my house? ALIEN does not reply but merely snatches the bag from PHANTOM and begins to put some of the bulbs on the counter. He then takes hold of a frying pan in his mouth and puts it on the counter. ALIEN takes three bulbs and breaks them into the pan as if they were eggs and then leaves the broken glass in the pan. He hums and puts the pan on the stove. INT: Living room – night. PHANTOM bursts in and sees that his living room; furniture and all, is covered in slime and his best sofa is torn to shreds. PHANTOM shakes with rage. The door swings open and ALIEN enters holding the frying pan in his mouth and humming to himself, contented. He puts the pan down and begins eating some more light bulbs from it. He offers some to PHANTOM. ALIEN: They are tasty! Better than the stuff I used to get out of your bins! PHANTOM: You’re the one who’s been in my bins! And I burned that family’s house down for nothing… Well, not anything, it was funny. [ALIEN laughs, thought does not understand]. ALIEN: You should be in plays! I saw one once where all the people were running around and shouting ‘He’s eaten our Dog! Somebody shoot him!’ it was the best time of my life. The food was good too! PHANTOM reaches for his trusty pistol that he keeps behind the clock on the mantelpiece. EXT: Phantom’s barrow – Night. A black horse pulling a black cart pulls up outside the house. A mysterious fog surrounds it and a wolf howls in the background. The driver of the coach is hooded in a black cloak, he cackles and points to the house. DRIVER: Here we are sir, just like you asked! Slowly, the door opens and a large black-booted foot comes out, followed by a large, thin body dressed in a black robe, the hood of which obscures the face. DRIVER: £9.50, mate. The passenger turns to him and points a long, bone like finger at him. Slowly he touches the driver on the arm and he falls dead. The figure laughs and reaches inside the cart to retrieve a long scythe with a long polished blade. He then walks up the path towards the barrow and knocks on the door. INT: Living room – Night PHANTOM holds the pistol towards ALIEN who is unaffected by the sight of the gun. The PHANTOM notices the knock on the door and curses under his breath before storming out of the room. EXT: Phantom’s barrow – Night. PHANTOM opens the door and looks up at the black figure before him. PHANTOM: Death? Is that you? DEATH: Yup. Can I come in? I drunk a little too much this morning and I don’t think I can stand up for much longer. [PHANTOM laughs and invites DEATH in] *** INT: the Kitchen – morning Things are a little tidier. All of the slime is gone and some of the pots and pans are now back in their rightful place. PHANTOM is stood in the middle of the room holding a bottle of wine in one hand and waving the other in the air, as if conducting a drunken orchestra. DEATH is sat on the floor humming the theme tune to Lord of the Rings. PHANTOM: Well it was great seeing you again DEATH. DEATH: [while getting up] Yeah, well. I’d better get back to work now. Places to see, people to kill. You know how it is? PHANTOM: Yeah, yeah. DEATH leaves the room and we hear the front door open and close. ALIEN falls through the ceiling and lands in front of PHANTOM with a ‘squelch’. He gets up and looks at the wine bottle. PHANTOM hardly notices him. ALIEN: Who was that? PHANTOM: Oh, just an old school friend. ALIEN: Ah. I suppose I shouldn’t have smashed up his cart. PHANTOM narrows his eyes at ALIEN. The sound of loud swearing from DEATH can be heard from outside. PHANTOM reaches for a knife on the kitchen table. DEATH walks in. DEATH: It seems my cart is broken. And my Driver is a bit… dead. PHANTOM: It’s him! [Points at ALIEN] I don’t even know who he is! ALIEN: [to DEATH] I saw you in a magazine! You looked more like a rhino back in your youth. But I always wanted to know why you were in National Geographic. DEATH: [Ignoring ALIEN] Well. I’m going to take the tram. But I need some cash. PHANTOM: Well, I’m going that way today anyway. And you! [Turns to ALIEN] I want you out of the house by the time I get back. And clear up the mess! EXT: The hills – Day The paths between the hills are filled with paths crammed full of ghosts and skeletons all wearing business attire or simple robes and hoods. A large cart pulled by five horses pulls up at a stop sign. PHANTOM and DEATH are there and get on. INT: The tram – Day PHANTOM and DEATH sit in cramped conditions, there is one ghost sat either side of them and one large fat one stood in front of PHANTOM. PHANTOM: I never asked, why haven’t you been in touch all these years? DEATH: [agitated] Erm… I’ve been busy, you know. Death is a full time job. PHANTOM: Wait a moment- The tram hits a bump and the fat ghost falls back on PHANTOM. Pull back to reveal that they are the only ones on an otherwise empty tram PHANTOM: This is ridiculous. I’m walking. They both get up and leave the tram. EXT: housing area – Day It is a flatter area full of wooden houses and a few brick ones. DEATH and PHANTOM walk along the path towards the mill. PHANTOM: I remember now! You let me down at my 900th birthday party! You didn’t invite my friends! DEATH: Friends? Ha! It’s not my fault you’re unpopular! PHANTOM: Unpopular? Me? [He laughs] I’ve got lots of friends! Why, look over there! Its old ‘mumble mumble something’. [Phantom points vaguely over at a tramp]. DEATH: Who? PHANTOM walks over to TRAMP and lifts him to his feet. He is wearing a helmet made of tin foil. PHANTOM acts like they’re great chums, making sure DEATH overhears their ‘conversation’. PHANTOM: How are you doing old chap? It’s been years! TRAMP: [baffled] Are you safe? PHANTOM: What? TRAMP: Are you safe? PHANTOM: [quickly, becoming concerned] Err… so, how’s the family? They are? Great, great! Well, I must be off. You ought to come round sometime. Bring the wife. TRAMP: They removed my brain to stop the… badness coming out! [Grabs PHANTOM’S arm] when can I come for dinner? PHANTOM: Please don’t kill me! TRAMP: I always laugh at cartoons! With an almighty shove, and a panicked shriek, PHANTOM pushes the TRAMP backwards, through the wall of someone’s garden. PHANTOM: [running over to DEATH] quick, before he can regroup! *** EXT: PHANTOM’S barrow – Night PHANTOM trots down the path carrying more light bulbs. He notices that the garden gnomes are all upended and the kitchen sink lies gasping on the lawn. He runs into the house. INT: PHANTOM’S barrow – Night. All is in a complete mess. The walls and ceiling are covered in slime, with the pictures that used to be on the wall, thrown on the floor. There even appear to be feathers dotted around as well as a moose’s antler. INT: the living room – Night ALIEN is sat in the middle of the utterly ruined room, chomping on a sofa. He smiles at PHANTOM and continues with his eating. There is a pause as PHANTOM attempts to comprehend all of this. PHANTOM: I thought I told you to leave me alone! ALIEN: [Begins to cry loudly] But I made you muffins! [Holds aloft a plate full of green snot]. PHANTOM: All right! You can stay for one night! ALIEN instantly falls asleep, coughing up yellow slime all over PHANTOM who narrows his eyes in his trade mark way. *** EXT: Grave yard – Night DEATH is looking at the small man he has just killed. With a hum, he scrapes the name on a head stone, ‘Hookbill’ and then shoves the body into the hole prepared for him. Satisfied with his work, DEATH turns around, only to be confronted by a large, well built, bearded woman in her late 50s. DEATH: Ah, Mrs. Goombar. You’ll be… wanting to see your son, I assume. She nods. DEATH: Well, I’m afraid there have been some complications… you see… He’s dead. MRS. G: What? DEATH: Yes. Quite unexpected! One minuet he’s giving an interview to the priest, the next, he rolling on the floor saying something about a scythe in the back. Kids today, eh? MRS. G: You killed him? DEATH: No! No [A pause] Well, yes, sort of. He was going to die anyway. MRS. G: Oh? DEATH: Yes! He was on the list! He produces a large scroll on which hundreds of names are crossed out, the last of which is Hookbill. He points at the name, under which, written in red, is the cause of Death. DEATH: See? “Eats a apricot and chokes to death slowly and painfully.” MRS. G: You wrote that. DEATH: I’m sorry? MRS. G: You wrote that just now. Look, it’s in crayon! DEATH flees the scene, whistling into the air until a large Eagle picks him up in its talons and carries him away, laughing.