The Phantom And Alien Episode 1: A Death to challenge By Joel Cornah EXT: GRAVE YARD – NIGHT A large, thin body dressed in a black robe, the hood of which obscures the face, can be seen silhouetted against the moon. A long skeletal hand grips a scythe and one immense black boot is set upon a lifeless body on the ground. It is DEATH and he is looking at the small man he has just killed. With a hum, he scrapes the name on a head stone, ‘Hookbill’ and then shoves the body into the hole prepared for him. Satisfied with his work, Death turns around, only to be confronted by a large, well built, bearded woman in her late 50s. DEATH Ah, Mrs. Goombar. I thought you’d show up sooner or later. You’ll want to see your son, I assume. She nods and walks closer to him, towering over Death and making him look small in comparison. DEATH Well, I’m afraid there have been some complications… you see… He’s a bit… you see… dead. MRS. G What? DEATH Yes. Quite unexpected! One minuet he’s giving an interview to the priest, the next, he’s rolling on the floor saying something about a scythe in the back. Kids today, eh? MRS. G You killed him? DEATH No! No [A pause] Well, yes, sort of. He was going to die anyway. MRS. G Oh? DEATH Yes! He was on the list! He produces a large scroll on which hundreds of names are crossed out, the last of which is Hookbill. He points at the name, under which, written in red, is the cause of Death. DEATH See? “Eats an apricot and chokes to death slowly and painfully.” MRS. G You wrote that. DEATH I’m sorry? MRS. G You wrote that just now. Look, it’s in crayon! THE PHANTOM steps out from behind a fence behind them and walks towards the commotion. He is an arrogant narcissistic fellow dressed in a long dark blue robe and hood, his face is hidden and all that can be seen are two luminous white eyes. In both hands he caries shopping bags filled with light bulbs. DEATH Ah! Phantom! I thought you’d show up. Want a quick drink? PHANTOM: Well, I don’t know... DEATH Of course you do! Sorry I can’t char Mrs. G. Good bye. [Quietly to Phantom] Run! EXT HILLY AREA – NIGHT Death and The Phantom run over a hill, yet all that can be seen of them is their silhouettes in the over large moon that is hanging just behind the hill. They run off screen. EXT BUS STOP – NIGHT The Phantom and Death peer around from behind the Bus shelter and see that no one is coming. Sighing they both sit down and pant heavily. PHANTOM I didn’t know you had lungs. Death ignores him and takes a small bottle from somewhere under his robe. He takes a swig and offers some to Phantom who declines. They sit in silence panting for a while, staring at the sky. EXT BUS STOP – DAY Phantom and Death are asleep with their heads together. They are snoring very loudly. An OLD LADY is next to Phantom and scowls at him. OLD LADY Wake up! Are you getting this Bus? The Phantom, waking up with a start and throws a fist into the face of the Old lady who falls back and then onto the floor with a shout. PHANTOM Stay away from my bins! Realising his mistake, Phantom helps the old lady up. PHANTOM (cont’d) I’m so sorry! I thought those kids had come back! Where am I? Who are you? And, more importantly, where are my bins? Have you stolen them? OLD LADY Not to worry young man. I get it all the time. The old lady walks off, muttering insults as she goes. Death slowly wakes up and looks vaguely towards Phantom who is staring off screen to the right. A bus comes into view and stops in front of the pair. They get on. INT BUS – DAY Death and Phantom appear to be sat in cramped conditions, there is one person sat either side of them and one large fat man in a business suite stood in front of Phantom. PHANTOM I never asked, why haven’t you been in touch all these years? DEATH [Agitated] Erm... I’ve been busy, you know. Death is a full time job. PHANTOM Wait a moment- The bus hits a bump and the fat man falls back on Phantom. [Pull back to reveal that they are the only ones on an otherwise empty bus] PHANTOM This is ridiculous. I’m walking. EXT SUBURBAN HOUSING AREA DAY It is a flatter area full of wooden houses and a few brick ones, all with interesting hedges around their gardens cut into the shapes of rhinos and giraffes. Death and Phantom walk along the path towards the mill. PHANTOM I remember now! You let me down at my 900th birthday party! You didn’t invite my friends! DEATH Friends? Ha! It’s not my fault you’re unpopular! PHANTOM Unpopular? Me? [He laughs] I’ve got lots of friends! Why, look over there! Its old ‘mumble mumble something’. [Phantom points vaguely over at a tramp]. DEATH Who? Phantom walks over to TRAMP and lifts him to his feet. He is wearing a helmet made of tin foil. Phantom acts like they’re great chums, making sure Death overhears their ‘conversation’. PHANTOM How are you doing old chap? It’s been years! TRAMP [Baffled] Are you safe? PHANTOM What? TRAMP Are you safe? PHANTOM [Quickly, becoming concerned] Err... So, how’s the family? They are? Great, great! Well, I must be off. You ought to come round sometime. Bring the wife. TRAMP They removed my brain to stop the... Badness coming out! [Grabs Phantom’s arm] when can I come for dinner? PHANTOM Please don’t kill me! TRAMP I always laugh at cartoons! With an almighty shove, and a panicked shriek, PHANTOM pushes the TRAMP backwards, through the wall of someone’s garden. PHANTOM [Running over to DEATH] quick, before he can regroup! They run towards the Mill. INT MILL – DAY It is a mill that dose not seem to have any one purpose. It appears as if the town council just wanted a mill and didn’t care what it was for. There are parts of wheat crushing machines mixed with conveyer belts carrying bits of leather and long poles that dive into the ground and are continuously turning. The Phantom and Death wander up to a coat rack just in front of the entrance. Phantom searches the pockets and grunts when he can’t find anything. PHANTOM All I’m saying is, I can get along with almost anyone apart from tramps, of course. But no matter how annoying someone is, no matter how stupidly, or ridiculously annoying a person is, I can always turn him or her to my cause and get on with him or her just fine! DEATH You know what you are, don’t you? PHANTOM Brilliant? DEATH No. But you do know that most people who say that sort of thing, almost immediately meet someone they can’t stand. PHANTOM What are you talking about? I challenge you to find the most annoying, most irritable being in the entire galaxy and send him to my house! I promise you that by the end of the month, I’ll be able to get on with him or her just as well as I get on with everyone else! DEATH Fifty quid? PHANTOM Done! DEATH I think I’m going to win. EXT: The Phantom’s barrow - Night. It is a large and homely barrow but with hundreds of garden Gnomes outside all holding machetes and with terrible grins on there faces. The stone door at the front is covered in ‘keep out’ signs written in every language available. The Phantom, walks down the garden. In both hands he still caries shopping bags filled with light bulbs. He trots up to the front door humming a dirty song. He pushes the door open and enters, closing the door with a bang behind him. INT: THE PHANTOM’S HALLWAY – NIGHT The hall is a plain stone affair with pictures of The Phantom in various poses hung on the wall in golden frames. Some of the paintings are signed; “To my dear Phantom, love Phantom” followed by a series of lipstick marks. The floor is covered in green slime. Phantom ignores it and marches through to the kitchen mumbling something about getting a Plummer in. INT: KITCHEN - NIGHT Phantom fits a light bulb into a lamp on the wall. He turns it on and the light reveals that the stonework kitchen is an utter mess. Pots and pans are scattered all over the floor and slime covers the floor, walls and ceiling. Cursing, Phantom goes to the fridge only to find it empty. PHANTOM I filled this up this morning! He closes the fridge with anger and then turns around only to see ALIEN standing over his shopping bags, examining the contents. Alien is made entirely of bright green slime; his head is shaped like a dinosaur’s head with two large eyes with blue pupils. He has no body, but his neck reaches down to the floor where he is simply a splat of slime. ALIEN Hi Phantom! I broke your bath so I flushed it down the Toilet. Oh, and your toilet is broken too. PHANTOM Who are you? Alien laughs and picks up some light bulbs with his mouth and eats them cheerily. Phantom rushes over and snatches the bag from under Alien’s nose. Alien grins stupidly and begins humming ‘Rule Britannia’ off key. Alien proceeds to wander around the kitchen, leaving bright green slime wherever he goes. ALIEN Hay, Phantom, you’ll never guess what I just saw! A Man eating Fish [laughs] The Phantom stare baffled at the creature and then approaches cautiously. He narrows his eyes in his trade mark way. PHANTOM Why are you in my house? Alien does not reply but merely snatches the bag from Phantom and begins to put some of the bulbs on the counter. He then takes hold of a frying pan in his mouth and puts it on the counter. Alien takes three bulbs and breaks them into the pan as if they were eggs and then leaves the broken glass in the pan. He hums and puts the pan on the stove. INT: LIVING ROOM – NIGHT Phantom bursts in and sees that his living room; furniture and all, is covered in slime and his best sofa is torn to shreds. He shakes with rage. The door swings open and Alien enters holding the frying pan in his mouth and humming to himself, contented. He puts the pan down and begins eating some more light bulbs from it. He offers some to Phantom. ALIEN They are tasty! Better than the stuff I used to get out of your bins! PHANTOM You’re the one who’s been in my bins! And I burned that family’s house down for nothing… Well, not anything, it was funny. Alien laughs like one who doesn’t really get the joke] ALIEN You should be in plays! I saw one once where all the people were running around and shouting ‘He’s eaten our Dog! Somebody shoot him!’ it was the best time of my life. The food was good too! Phantom reaches for his trusty pistol that he keeps behind the clock on the mantelpiece. He aims it at Alien, shaking with rage. Eventually he lowers the gun. PHANTOM I see. I see what this is. You won’t get me that easily. Alien is sick on Phantom and then laughs. Phantom shudders and then sits down on the sofa. There is a squelching sound as he does so. He reaches down to see what he has just sat on and is revolted to discover that it is the remnants of his cactus plant. ALIEN You’re my new best friend! PHANTOM [Very reluctantly] Yes. The End.