Sorry its a little late...

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This week, The Phantom makes a return to the comic proceedings.

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Well, I don't remember a thing about that, honestly. Though I did wake up awfully tired this morning...

LEGO bricks behind the fridge? Those would be mine.

I'm not sure I'm sold on the coloured-backgrounded "Phantom and Alien". Is that going to be a new thing, or is it just a passing fancy Maybe it's just the bumpy edge of the "word bubble" that I don't like.

Not that I should nitpick, since I'm not the one providing this delicious free service to the 'Downs weekly.

The coloured backgrounds are mainly to keep up the joke that the phantom has a room in his house which is totally white. In which, for reasons best left unexplained, he has a lot of his conversations with Alien. If there is ever a conversation between Alien and someone else, or the phantom and someone else on a white background, it probably means I forgot. :D

Also, I happen to like doing the backgrounds sometimes and it does sometimes add to the story, as in last year's Christmas special where the phantom went to Belfalas and there was a desert scene. :p

I'll be in Norway and Finland the following weeks. ;)

Just an observation, and I do mean this as a compliment, but wasn't The Might insane before all those horrid toothaches? ;)

Who wrote the blurbs this week? For they seem to be especially morbid....

I wrote them... they're not that morbid are they? :(

This week, some shocking news...

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Alien gets a new career.

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I've just been sitting here laughing at that and unable to do owt for about half an hour! :D

Shall I print it off and include it in a 'memories box' for t'nipper?

At least if the paper round doesn't work out I can arrange it a job in the local pub washing pots... ;)

No, no, not at all.... in particular the happy happy corkscrew, which so completely not-morbid it could almost be called norbid. :p

Absolutely hilarious Davem article, by the way.

Local Mental Hospital Puts on Production of "Lord of the Rings"

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From right to left: Frodo, Sam, Pippin & Merry

Residents at St. Merisu's Home for the Mentally Ill began their first annual production of "The Lord of the Rings" on Monday. The play, based on the book by J.R.R. Tolkien and adapted for stage by Little Larry, runs for half an hour and features a talentless but colorful cast.

"The play is entirely run by the patients," said Dr. White in recent interview. "It's not only the acting. From the writing, to the stage design, props, and costuming, we left it all up to them."

And it shows, precious, yes it does. The entire set consists of a single backdrop painted in a checkerboard design, a card table covered by an Elmo print sheet, and a bucket of pebbles. The play meanders from beginning to end, and members of the cast routinely forget their lines, though it is often difficult to tell since the lines were written by the alter-ego of a paranoid schizophrenic. The costumes were designed by Vera Wang.

At one point in the play the director ran on stage screaming that "All is wrong! All is ruined! All is finishéd!" until a team of orderlies wrestled him off the stage.

Tolkien purists have protested the production, saying the script takes gross and unnecessary liberties with the source material. "For instance," said renowned Tolkien enthusiast Christopher Lee, "there is no land called 'Munchkin Land' in Lord of the Rings. This is not the only incident where Mr. Larry seems to have confused Tolkien's work with The Wizard of Oz, such as the scene near Mt. Doom where Frodo and 'Toto' are attacked by Flying Monkeys.

"Furthermore, it was very unpleasant when the Ents rushed into the audience and beat people with sticks."

When asked to comment, Little Larry responded, "You can't be totally faithful to such a long book when you're limited to a half hour production. Would you like to see my magic sword? It's made out of plastic bottle caps."

The play runs through the end of the week.

It's not bigger, its in no way better, its the all new week of The Downer Newspaper...

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More cruelty to Dogs...

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Someone has been watching Withnail and I! :D

Fresh from Oxonmoot... It's...
 

Once again, mini headlines provided by the phantom himself (in no way realted to The Barrow Wight Himself

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This week, Alien discusses the philosophical implications of being cartoon characters...

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And now, The Downer Newspaper presents; an all new chapter in the saga of Middle Earth. A Never before seen manuscript found hidden behind the toilet of Christopher Tolkein's grand nephew's second cousin... A comical homage* to The Slimarillion

THE WORLD OF THE LORDS

Moreover, Olméth was warming at the foot of the mount; his hairs were teared with flame, and so summoned he the creature Swolfthron, the beast rose from the deepest chasms to the very rocks upon ground, which did shake vibrationally even stone, hence his sword was lost once more; and, to the end of discovering the whereabouts of his companion Morolen, did he willingly fall through the very fires before him without a single word. "Fall thee, for I shall strike down both thy legs!" cried Lögorithm, but not even the loudest of them could bring back the stronghold of Blüch-Holgerin, save the Great Boil of Shrîph-Dûrmaláth, whose eyes were torn with bleach.

Moreover, there the man from Galmartherûk came to slay the hair beast of Magölarsk ere the dawn dist fall upon his fair city's brow. "Let us we ride to Pythagoras - for the halls await our comfort," did Rilmôrem cry, as rode he forth with the company of the Trillmaroth at his side. Yet, it came to pass, that on his long journey the Children of Ragxs did meet the Rõng Man of the West before they did ride from Liquíquigék. "Nay! 'tis the day of good! And thyne blood shalt stain the fair Valleys of Gòrgafhsz!" pronounced Nithrögath in his engagement to the Kings of Nimrôgdser.

Moreover, it did happen that the darkened heart of Bladere came into the reckoning of death. He ditst have the larger of the moustaches of all who hath rode forth from the master of the Halls of the King of the City of Kingdom. Ergo, it was unknown to Thakatûlikin that his father had betrayed the Lord of Gerererèd to his death on the Mountain of Hexas. And it proved his folly for he did not yet put in jeopardy the Jalmnâlkin and his kin for it was not in the law of the Bröncrock for the kin of Readfâ to be slain (yet, he was).

Moreover, it was the most awful vision that all of the Riders of Hikilòthikêz hath ever previewed. Thereover, his hands were covered in the blood of Melgrön the Great who dith challenge him to mortal combat in the Pits of Modulus. Yea, during his time, Olméth remained in his father's keeping, 'till the Maiden of Radiôn did ruelly slay his wife. Thus he took council in his heart, neither to slay his nurse, nor burn the King (for he who took the great Sword of Rapacity did spill his blood upon the head of his mistress).

Moreover, the Helseater didst not find his golden bladder as it was with his own father's child. So it was, that in the deeps of Tanliquen, Liár dist find the blade of Grothin and use it to his advantage. The Rider of the east saw what was done and despaired, even onto the ending of his life. For the curse that Melekalgoth had lain upon him set his will to find the evil treasure of Jaxélmish. Not only in his heart but also in his mind. Bladere found his life at a loss and so finding his way to the Peak of Péxsar, the mountain of silver blood, he did cast his head freely upon the rocks and lay dead to his father's will. Never again did the man from Galmartherúk come to that sacred place, nor did his brother.

Moreover, the mighty dragon Logoth rose from the black pit of Krámzikil and so came upon Helminué's wife while she laboured about her works in secret. Never was the rising of fire in the heart of Logorithm so deep that his face had to be pulled off, he swore revenge against the Wrong man of the West and so ensnared him. Now, it came to pass that at the evening of midyear, Melgron did find his brother sleeping on the floor of the kitchen,
"Get ye up!" he cried, "Else feel my blade in thy flesh." With no word of warning the brother did slay his father in that very hour. None ever came back to his grave save Readfa and his kin.

Moreover, the land of Galgemenesh was set in ruin for the anslaught of Blaor, who it was that ate the mighty legs of Gothmire. Pencilic did open the fire and so jump forth into the air of Deligan and land in the stomach of his father. Hexar proved easier to ensnare, but some there were who saw this from afar. So it was that the mariner of Osirigond named himself "Lotho son of Fotho" and so was killed in that very hour. The mighty Dragon did see all of this and so flew down to the village and burned it to the ground. None did report back to Malkarox about the cat slaying at Yelk.

Moreover, Thaûlik did not see his own son on that day, because he was lost. Halim did meet the Rõng Man of the West but he was the wrong, and he wished to see Delifan once more under the light of day, before the moon did become once again darkened in light. Löthirm did fling his brother upon the pyre shouting "I shalt fling from thee thine neck and face." With that he took a knife and began to take his legs off. "With both eyes though shalt give!" cried the spider of the Goras, "Or I shall remove thine voice box." so reluctantly Ulmoth gave up his seat in the house of the king and wandered far over the lands.

Moreover, the time was not yet ripe of Gelthom to strike down his mother’s kindred, nor to slay his brother in evil mood. Nought that had been wrought by Molosc the smith had been damaged in the mighty burning of the dragon on the fell morn. But it came to pass, that all the lands to the west were taken away and put in bondage. Tethil wandered long on the shores of Germil before Himsar took his legs away. Now, in the east, Kirthman saw what was done and saw his time had come, he departed from his hiding place and so came to the forest of Nimpost, taking with him, the beard of his father and the moustache of his mother.

Moreover, in the lands of Hikiopt, Mek did find his father lately gone. But the curse of Alas came upon him in the dark, for they were of the eldest line of the princes of the Rodlon. Therefore, he fled out into the winter, a hunted man, but the dragon’s suspicions eyebrows aided him. Onions they did bring to the feast of Golden carpets and many other gifts of wonder, and the King was pleased. Now, it came to pass that in the heart of the hidden realm of Filsim, a messenger came and bad the lord here the news of his uncle's defiance and rape of the gold in Nimland. "I heare your hails," said the lord "And i love this hour, not at all. For it is said that the man with long trousers shall bring tidings of doom and our kin shall be a-stranged." then he departed and cast himself upon the rocks and was devoured by spiders and dogs. Nothing more was told of that realm save that it fell air the son of Pulas could come to their aid.

Moreover, the host of the Gimbd passed over the Mountains of drizzél, and crossed the wide lands of Intél, being urged on by the king for he was eager to have his shoes removed. Still Nem sent others, one by one; and one by one the lord of the citadel took them by the feet and threw them on their faces. Then Jin lusted for the arm of his brother, for they had in them socks of great worth. Nought that was made faded with the moustache of the king, for it was made of pure iron and bore down heavily on any who looked upom on it in wrath and misdeed. So they were.

Moreover Bit hadal found his maiden's arms filled with garlic and so perished in his later deeds. The curse of his father's nose never left his kin. So it was that the trousers of the Golden head were revealed to the dark one and he lusted after his own legs, but could not reach them.

*I don't like 'spoof' and I wouldn't call it a parody as such.

Are the headlines even better than usual, or is my opinion just biased? :p

Anyway, great work, Hookbill! :)

My quest for justice continues
 

Since that newspaper didn't exist when I dropped you off at the station yesterday afternoon, I'm more impressed than usual.

Readers of The Downer might be interested to hear that the location referred to by Kings Norbury Borough Council as 'Amon Rûdh' consists of an enormous sheet of cardboard, decorated with a large watercolour of a mountain, and with This is Amon Rûdh scrawled on it in green crayon. It has been leaned against a pair of trees, in one of which dwell the property's only residents: a group of squirrels, who are full-time students at the University of Arthedain and therefore exempt. I still maintain that my residence in the real Amon Rûdh is titular and figurative, and that my use of council services is therefore entirely imaginary. I have on several occasions offered to pay my taxes in an imaginary form commensurate with my fictional residency, on one occasion even presenting in person an imaginary bag of imaginary coins; but the council have remained obstinate on the issue. However, repeated threats of imaginary prison sentences in allegorical lockholes have done nothing to weaken my mythical resolve.

The P&A doesn't work for me for some reason...

Do you mean 'doesn't work' as in 'not funny' or you can't see it? If the latter, try this:

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If the former, then go away. :p

The Soul-kings of Can't-Hum
 

That bloke stole my joke about The Barriwhite, and you all know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wonder if anyone has noticed the little character at the top of the paper...

Thanks again to the phantom for the mini heads.

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This week, Alien receives a phone call...

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This gave me a good laugh this morning, as I always think that all these polls just make up their percentages. Then I see this...:p

Also, Phantom & Alien cartoon...nice, tp's feeling rather punny today. :rolleyes:

So which are you admitting to? Or maybe both at the same time *faints*:cool:

Leave it to you to come up with that.
Yes, yes, a lot of research went into those polls. Kudos to my staff for coming up with such original and interesting survey questions.

I did.

And I bet you're keeping back the best pictures from the Oxenmoot for articles for the Paper. Fie! Fie!

That depends on your definition of 'best'. :p

Ask Hooky to show you the picture of The Invisible Bearded Bombadilman I caught trying to steal my beer, surely that's newsworthy.

Well, well, its Monday again! :eek:

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This week, Alien tries to sell stuff to Rune... What could possibly go wrong?

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The Downer would like to apologise for the lack of content in last weeks paper. Due to a printing error, the inside was full of soil.

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Now, ladies and Gentle Wights, we finally get an insight into Alien's Family...

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His mother looks like Sally Struthers as Jabba the Hut on a South Park episode.

And here I had always thought that Diamond18 meant the 18th Hole of the Jubilee Golf Course in Middle earth. That must be a wood and not a 9 Iron in my hand.

I don't watch South Park, so it is not deliberate. :p

I was thinking of having Alien's father turn up to. He was going to be an old Intellectual Gentleman... and Inteli-gent.

Something for the Barrow Downs Products page? ;)

Frodo hasn't sought Sam's love advice yet? Or worse yet, it hasn't worked? :eek:;)

The New York Times trying to take Phantom & Alien?

Tisk, tisk...

I would have thought The New Yorker would try to pull something like that, in some attempt to boost ratings beyond one wrung of society. :p
Nice to hear that they didn't try, but what do we know about tempted?


~ Suspicious of some dry rants within some artful coverpages Ka

Look at the top of the news... You know thats kind of mean... It's going to be a sore blow to him...Tisk, tisk, tisk...:rolleyes:

What would happen if...
 

the phantom met The Phantom? :eek:

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I think the universe would collapse. Now, what would happen if Alien met the Alien from the film... Alien? :cool:

We'd have another sequel, of course...

Or, more like a dark comedy spin-off.

~ Smartypants Ka

I actually believe the film Alien won't bear the Alien's company and willingly shoot himself out of an airlock.

So, yes, we'd have another sequel with the typical cliché :cool:

Wow, it's that time once again. How will we cope?

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This week, Alien makes a mess...

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I'm fairly confident that lal and Davem have a good sense of humour... but... Is this the most controversial Downer yet?

(thanks to the phantom for the mini heads and the second story)

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This week, we get to meet The Phantom’s nephew…

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