He never again saw the light of day,
For he hid himself deep in his barrow

Where he shook from bone to marrow
All the while Hobbits stole all his food

Which put him into a terrible mood,
So that he felt he needed a vacation

So he packed up his bags and sailed to a nation
Far in the sunny southern seas.

Where he caught a nasty disease
And began to smell of dead fish

Being blind, he felt for a dish
of cod which would not have worked

And all the Hobbits there smirked
As the Wight began to weep out loud

Because, he now knew, no place could be found,
Where Hobbits did not find and terrorize him.

Oh! To have a fate so agonizingly grim
Tormented the poor Wight's soul

While he drank Orc soup from a bowl
Yet found that it tasted as awful as ever

And agreed with Gollum that he would rather
Not eat at all then munch on an orc.

He was not like Gandalf who had pork
and ate while in Saruman's best shed

Where Saruman gave food and bed
to all guests, no matter how mighty

And as he mulled, the Barrow Wight dropped dead,
Which meant that nothing had changed

As this poem continues, it gets more deranged
as you shall see in these next verses.

But, before we speak a whole string of curses,
We'll tell you how the Elves were awakened.

And how, once awake, they were hastened
One summer's eve, to trek into the West.

For, t'was said, Manwe's Barbeques are best
So they all wanted to get there before Melkor

That greedy Vala, rotten to the core,
Always ate half the burgers at every divine party.

Which was perfectly logical, for his appetite hearty,
Provided him strength to work his evil designs...

He would then drink all the red and white wines
Becoming increasingly violent and unsociable

Though Vana* pleaded, his ire was not negotiable
So Vana called Arien to tan his hide

*books not handy - which one is the wisdom Vala?

But in great anger and annoyance the sun cried,
"He hath such a hide that maketh the blood boil"

And so she began to toil
To sunburn the unwary Melkor

Lmp: Arien rides the sun, but I don't know who personifies wisdom. Mandos, maybe? He's the Vala of prophecy and fately things... :confused:

And from the evil brow, the sweat began to pour,
Until he looked down and cried, "Curse the dark depths of Thangorodrim! Now I need a higher SPF!"

"Or this horrible Sun will fry me to death!"
So he soaked himself in 80 proof oil.

Then he began to roll around in the soil
Making the worms feel more nervous

But Melkor sure felt impervious
To the sun's scorching rays

Not surprising, since he was coated in clay!
Now instead of burning, he got a horrible skin rash...

And to everyone's surprise, he did the Moster mash
So, it was not long before everyone else joined in

Except for Arien, who with haughty chin
Turned her back and caused an eclipse

She sat in the sky, with pouty lips,
Refusing to join the dance below

Because she'd been slighted by her beau--
Tilion was mooning over Vana!

But he was distracted by a banana
That Melkor used to annoy the monkeys

The king of whom rode a piebald donkey
And wore Pharazon's lost crown

As well as being dressed as a clown
With red nose, large shoes and all

And the Monkey-Clown-King took a great fall
And landed at sweet Vana's feet

And sweet Vana offered him a seat
right next to her stable-boy

It turned out to be a great big ploy
To get the monkey to sit on a pin

But the monkey had a rump of tin!
He barely felt the pointy needle