Billy/Dom/Sean: Aaaaaaaaaargh!

Elijah: Um . . . line?

When Sam said he'd kill for a lettuce, he meant it.

PJ: "Okay, now all four of you look right. Elijah, look right. Head up a bit more. Hello? Elijah! *exasperated sigh* Has he been smoking again?"

OR

The smash hit horror flick Hobbits of the Corn. (Children of the Corn)

Survivor: Hobbiton
 

Merry & Pippin (from the Pranksters Tribe) distract Sam (from the Gullible Tribe) so they can steal their dinner while Frodo (from the Clueless Tribe) stares on...

The Hobbits had been making a new crop circle to confuse the locals when Merry spotted someone coming. "Quick, here comes Mel Gibson! He'll be getting his daughter to chuck glasses of water over us! Run!"

Loudspeaker coming from Maggots Manufacturing Plant: "ALERT!!! We are missing a massive timebomb cleverly disguised as a head of lettuce! The bomb is set to go off in five seconds..."

Hobbits: :eek:

Sam: Wow! A Four Leafed Clover!

Merry: Yeah, that’s really good... *pick pockets Sam* :D

Who???????????
 

Merry: Quick! run it's Farmer Maggot.

Sam: Give over, next you'll be telling us you've seen Tom Bombadil and Glorfindel

Frodo thinks: I wonder if dogs can find me if I put on the Ring to escape, but who will carry the heavy stuff if I leave Sam behind.

Continuing...

Frodo: "Does this mean that we can't eat it..."

Frodo was unfortunately standing in the breeze, and caught a whiff of Farmer Maggot's manure pile.

Frodo: For Eru's sake! It's a scare"crow" not a scare"hobbit"!

It's an Entling
 

"SOOOOORRRYYY, Treebeard! We didn't know it was your son! We'll find something else for dinner!"

Nice Surname
 

"Your name is Maggot? And you want us to have dinner with you?!?!? Sorry, even a Hobbit has to draw the line somewhere."

Frodo: Oh no!

Merry: What is it?

Frodo: A new picture...

http://img-fan.theonering.net/rolozo...ith/havens.jpg

Frodo and Sam fell asleep waiting for Bilbo to remember where he put his boat ticket.

OR

Gandalf: Hurry up, lads, this horse just ate my hat!

One thing Frodo was not going to miss was the Hobbit ritual head-bonking ceremony of farewell.

The three hobbits get together to make their plans of revenge on that nasty blighter of a gull that took Sam's churro.

or

Frodo: Sam remember that you are married to Rosie now, and on top of that I don't really think Galadriel ever had a crush on you.

Frodo: 'Don't be too sad, Sam! I know it was good for your roses, but Gandalf can't leave Shadowfax here.

Cirdan's apprentice had been set the task of standing at the end of the quay and reciting a suitable verse to see the travellers off. It began well at least...

"I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
I left my vest and pants down there, I wonder if they're dry?"

Frodo: How many times do I have to tell you, Sam? Hair gel in the left cabinet, glue in the right!

Sam: Sorry Mr Frodo.

OR

Gandalf: So I said to him, “You cannot pass. I am a servant of the secret fire! Wielder of the flame of...”

Frodo and Sam: *Snore*

Gandalf: Damn Hobbits.

Or even...

Merry: Should I tell Frodo he still owes me Five Pounds?

One of the things Gildor looked forward to on reaching the Undying Lands was being able to eat a bag of chips without getting mobbed by sea-gulls....

Elrond: 'In this at least he will know a lightening of his heart in Valinor. The Long Defeat we have all fought has been hardest on Gildor. He has never been able to eat his chips on the long grey shores of Middle-earth without being harrassed in this way.'

Galadriel: 'Nay Elrond! Though I had not the heart to tell him of them, the gulls of Ulmo at the havens of Alqualonde are thrice as vicious as their kindred here in Endor.'

Elrond: 'Then it would seem, Lady of the Galadhrim, that mayhap Feanor's rash vow pursues the Noldor still, even in the Land of the Valar. Alas!

Galadriel: 'Even so!'

(Exeunt sadly.....)

Frodo tries to console Sam, who is in floods of disappointed tears after the ship draws up to the quay. He was expecting it to be crewed by kittens in Viking helmets, singing Led Zeppelin.

Bilbo's Last Pub-crawl
 

I sit beside the ship and think
Of toilets I have seen
Of pints of beer and french-fries
And on those toilets I should have been.

Of a headache pill and a Hangover
The illness that will come
Of sea-sickness and rolling seas
And a head that feels so numb.

Merry: 'I know Pippin - but he's getting on a bit. If he wants to take his own beer & toilet facilities with him they'll just have to humour him.''

EDIT: cross-posted with Narfforc :(

I'm stuck on you
 

Merry to Pippin: He-he-he, I told you Sam wouldn't see you with that SuperGlue.

In this alternate ending Tolkien had scripted Pippin to take up becoming a Catholic Priest.

(look at the collar)

While Frodo and Sam were getting to ride up on the deck for the trip, it appears that Bilbo, Pippin, and Merry are going to be stowed away with the cargo.

OR

No one notices the invisible man as he starts to pull up the back of Cirdan's cloak.

OR

Frodo: "When I said I wanted to go camping, this was not what I had in mind..."

(Elf In Back With Pot): Hey Cirdan, there's no way these guys are gonna get in to Valinor. Two Hobbits, another on the way, A wizard who should be dead, and That Galadriel chick who was exiled-Manwe's gonna go nuts. However, I have made some home-made chili from an old Teleri family recipie! That will convince him!
________
JUAN MANUEL FANGIO

Alas, too long they took in farewell, for even now the elves begin to cast off...

Two Ways to Tell
 

"Look, Bilbo, it's easy to tell Gandalf and Galadriel apart . . . even though Gandalf has a pocketbook. He's the one with the beard! OK?"

Sam consoles Frodo* after getting his hair shaved at Cirdan's Cut & Curl (by "request" of Galadriel, of course :p).

Galadriel: "All right, which of you hobbits is next?"


*Or vise versa, not quite sure who's who in the pic...

Sam: Well, there are just a few things to sort our before you go. Gandalf owes me quite a lot of mon-

Gandalf: Erm, well, my work here is done... *Vanishes*

OR

Cirdan: How many times do I have to tell you? You can't bring your house on the boat, Galadriel!

Sam: 'Do you think it'd be ok to move yet Mr Frodo. only my arms gone to sleep.'

Frodo: 'Sorry Sam, I did tell Gandalf to get Alan Lee to do the 'Farewell Portrait', but he insisted on Naismith.

Merry: 'I wanted John Howe - he was going to paint me being attacked by a Nazgul.'

Pippin: 'But they're all...

Merry: 'Its called artistic licence, Pip!'

Pippin: 'Ooh - can I get one? I want to do a Mural for the back bedroom!'

Elrond: 'I hope he doesn't paint my creased cloak - Arwen forgot to iron it. I hope that son-in law of mine takes her in hand.'

Or

Galadriel: 'At least I managed to shake off Celeborn - I've just read Boorman's script & Frodo is looking pretty hot....'

OR

Gandalf always insisted on fresh meat on long journeys. Shadowfax would never see the Undying Lands...

Gandalf suddenly relized he had to go...really really bad

The Polar Express...Middle Earth style.

Everyone stood there feeling embarrassed and not knowing what to say as Frodo and Sam came to blows over who was going to steer the new pedalo on the boating lake.

Galadriel: Psst... Gandalf, what are they doing? Is this some hobbit parting ritual...?

Gandalf: Pfff! Like I should know! Pulls out hand-crafted hobbit pipe and begins smoking...

~ Aesthete

The Homecoming of Sam
 

Frodo: Don't be sad Sam, this is not so bad, wait until you get home and find out why your kids look like Ted Sandyman.

Gandalf: Come on, we better get back to Valinor soon! I think I left the iron on when I left!

OR

Gandalf: Hay, Galadriel, you should see my house in Valinor, its full of Tolkien posters!

Or yet!

Gandalf: Hay, Galadriel, you should see my house in Valinor, its full of Geese.

Surgery.
 

Gandalf: Bilbo, I thought you said we had to be here for the 21st.
Bilbo: Yes...
Gandalf: So why are they still building the darn boat?
Elves on boat: *splosh paint*
Elrond: Hurry up, I'm getting cold!
Bilbo: *checks ticket* Oh, it's the 27th! Will you look at that...
Gandalf/Elrond: *grooaaan*
Hobbits: zzzzz....