Secrets of Middle-earth #731

Just as Tolkien was about to correct the ambiguous description of the Balrog, the Visitor from Porlock called round with his new Box Brownie.

Guy: Professor, Tolkien is it? We're here about the unpaid publishing bills-

JRRT: Go back to the nothingness that awaits you and your dark master!!

OR

JRRT: Blah, this romance stuff is killing me. Maybe I'll just chuck something together with dwarves...

Sorry Lal and Hookbill
 

Would you dare to tell this man that a Balrog flew of with your homework?

Would you dare to tell this man that a wingless balrog had flown away with your metaphorical homework?

Tolkien (to self): "Hee hee! Years from now scholars will scuttle with magnifying glasses over this picture like ants at a picnic trying to read the titles on the book spines. Little will they realise I've confusticated them with false covers."

Continuing along the same lines as Brinn...
 

Tolkien (to an over-eager fan): "Don't come any closer or I'll stab my leg with this pen!"
Fan: *runs away*

Tolkien: Okay, one more Gandalf uncloaking joke and he'll be out of the book.

or

Tolkien: Alright, who put the tack on my chair?

Frodo, decrepit and balding after only a week in the undying lands, realizes too late the truth of what the men of Numenor were told about the Blessed Realm -- that they would only "wither and grow weary the sooner".

Does Tolkien have wings?
 

Nature documentary narrator: And here we have a fine example of the Professoris Supremis. Note the pen in his hand, and the reams of paper before him. Watch as he uses his pen to write upon the paper - oh my, he is gesturing it at us. Could it be some sort of before unseen territorial ritual? My my, see how angry he gets! And now he...my goodness, he's on fire?? OH NO, HE'S GOT WINGS! AAAR*dies*

"Hi, I'm John Tolkien. There's nothing I like better than sitting at my desk and writing stories, but after a long day of answering fan mail and beating back rabid fantasy nutcases I don't have anything left. That's why I drink Red Balrog -- it gives you wings!"

Now, lets see what Lewis has been writing about me... pale? little chap? the? I'll give him a smack or so... Oh, hello Lewis... Erm... Do you want a Jelly Baby?

After getting his hands on the Time Machine, Legate decided to visit the Professor at the time he was writing LotR.
Tolkien: Hello. Sit down. I'm about to finish.
Legate: Wow! I'm indeed going to witness this glorious moment!
Tolkien: "...and thus, before Sam could come to his aid, Gollum strangled Frodo and ruled the Middle-Earth ever after."
Legate: Noooo!!!

OR

Harry Potter: Um - where is Professor Dumbledore?

OR

Tolkien: If I hear one more joke about uncloaking, winged or wingless balrogs or Telerian version of Celeborn's name, I will stop writing and you Downers may just disperse to the forums about Beverly Hills 90210!

Secrets of Middle-earth Number 421

The Professor decided to pass the time by picking up his pen and doing a bit of writing. "In a hole in the ground..." he wrote. Well, it was as good a way as any to pass the time until Christmas and the next episode of Doctor Who.

Tolkien: Confusticate and bebother that Lewis, he's put Super-glue on my seat again! I should have stayed at Leeds.

JRRT, caught by surprise when he was writing, slams his hand down on the page and turns with a fixed smile on his face.

JRRT: No, you can't see what I've written. *blushes*

Tolkien: And to think that I was going to have that part published... :rolleyes: Well, that's that for the extended Beren and Luthien story...

The Professor: "If you want to know what happens to Harry then I'm afraid you've not only got the wrong address but the wrong year, Doctor."

Tolkien: Ah! You must be here for the new picture, eh?

I'm not sure if we've done this one... I can't seem to find it looking back... Lets go for it...

http://i9.tinypic.com/6642ioy.jpg

Turin: HAY! :mad: ... ... I can see my house from here! :D

OR

The others discuss weather or not it would be a 'hilarious' practical joke if they pushed Turin down.

Turin: They can take our shiny clothes, but they will never take our shiny helmets!!!

Dealing with Depression: Elf Edition's tip #37: Being social is the first step towards acceptance.

Turin chases his Quarry.
 

At his new job at The Doriath Diggings, Turin ponders why they gave him a sword and not a pick or pneumatic drill to attack the rocks with.

Túrin uses high ground and guerilla tactic to waylay some Orcs.
 

(I was just listening to Led Zeppelin "Houses of the Holy")

Túrin:
"There's an angel on my shoulder,
there's a dragon on my head,
I will roll on you that boulder,
and you filth will all be dead, nah nah..."

Turin is angry because the bad weather ruined his plans for a picnic together with the outlaws.

Turin: C'mon boys, maybe another time.
Outlaws: Awww....:(

Turin's new camouflage didn't exactly match with the scenery. Well, then again, he did think that he would lead his army straight into Angband and mimic a pillar with a golden ornament on it. It would have been better for Turin to stay a pessimist.

Turin was up at the crack of dawn on the 21st waiting for the postman to bring the new Harry Potter book.


OR


How one man went to extreme measures to avoid hearing any spoilers about the final Harry Potter book.

It was set to be his best April Fool's prank ever! Turin waited for the right moment to pull the leaver to open the trap door beneath his comrades. They couldn't not love him after this, so he thought.

OR

At last, after 57 attempts, Turin had struck that pose without stabbing himself in the foot.

Turin ponders why the eagles don't come any more.

Túrin: "Oh my God! Why don't you take this cup from me now?"

Túrin had promised them a paradise, a land of their own... just if they'd overcome this one mountain more (metaphorically = beaten this one more enemy of Morgoth the Evil before the everlasting peace and quiet).

"The moon my Lord? What sort of paradise is that?"

*Oh, we weren't in this world* :D

It sure is good to be the one in command. While his brave men are in deadly combat with the Orcs, Turin enjoys the scenery. Though it is, after all, a bit annoying that your servants take so long making your afternoon tea.

Turin made his men wait for hours as he refused to admit that the sword was stuck in the rock.

He later discovered that they were all at Hotel California.

Turin the one-legged soldier
Had to lean upon his blade --
No Elf or dwarf could help him
(as prosthetics were not yet made).

All of the other soldiers
Used to laugh and call him names.
They wouldn't let poor Turin
Play in any warrior games.

Then one day in Doriath
Thingol came to say,
"Melian with your girdle tight,
Oh please help Turin stand up right."

Then all the soldiers loved him
As they watched him marching off with glee.
"Now that Turin can go fight Glaurung,
We will not be history!"

The outlaws soon found out that Turin was an exelent weather vane.

Turin rides to war on his rock.

Turin looks past the horizon: "What astrange dark Wizard, who might he be?"

Turin: (with blank eyes) Exterminate! Exterminate!

OR

Ooh look, something shiny! *falling* AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHH ... - Hey, I'm ok! *sword falls on head*

Turin amazes all at Calvin Klein when striking his full line of outlaw-abroad clothing and accessories...

Chief Photographer: It's divine!

Turin: *Sigh* Who needs Amon Rûdh after these profits...

Stray outlaw: I dunno about you, but I feel so used!

~Ka

Turin sadly: Now because of that Harry Potter guy nobody wants to read about my life anymore...:(
Outlaws in the background: Do you think Voldemort dies?