You gun for the maligned merchant, boy, and more Dwarf heads will roll. Forward the oligarchic merchant prince! Machiavelli's darling!

eh. wot's this?!

Machiavelli's darling, eh? hardly. i see no weeling or dealing, no backstabbing, treachery, pragmatic calculations, nor a brutal hold on power. all i see is some guy wandering off with everyone's gold to die a miserable, shivering death in the wild. Hardly the glorious example of high-handed dealings which make Machiavellian rulers so illustrious.

++Gollum

The First Creep Under the Mountain

++The Master

Let the dwarf head roll.

Fair 'nuff. And, in any event, that hard-working entrepreneur, the Master of Laketown, needs saving. His work ethic is an example to us all. But, more importantly, it will annoy all those who are trying so hard to be rid of him (among whom number that heartless fellow that done for Bilbo, I see). :D

-- GALION
++GOLLUM

As Wayne said, he had his chance.

++GOLLUM

Indeed, The Master did well in Laketown until that charlatan and Shakespeare imitator Bard usurped his position.

At any rate, The Master is more desirable to have on the program than a sneaking scoundrel like Gollum.

Are you guys really going to get rid of our best fisher on the island, one who provides enough food for his tribe and surplus to sell to the others? come on, without GOllum, everyone will starve!!!!!
--Galion ++The Master

Please stop voting. Post will come up, eventually! :p (I'm in the middle of watching the season finale of Survivor :D )

Day 13
 

Today, everyone wanted the useless gone (not that I blame them), yet, the person who was getting the most criticisim, really wasn't all that useless. Gollum was the on trial that day. "He's a sneak and a drug adict!! Not to mention he's already had his chance at the prize!! Why should we keep him any longer?" Elrond stated. This was met with great enthusiasm. That night, the voting went a little something like this:

Gollum: 5
The Master - 3

"Why do you wants uss gone preciousss?? What have we done to you!?" Gollum asked. "Oh, we have done lotss to them, preciouss. Like stealing the fissh from under their filthy little nosess. Oh yes preciouss, yess." With that he turned away and went invisible, never able to return to the world of "reality" again.

Contestants voted out:
Bofur
Ori
Durin (The first King Under the Mountain)
Nori
Fundin
Gandalf
Nain (father of Dain)
Bungo Bagins
Chief of Guards
Thorin
Bilbo
Golfimbul
Carc
Gollum

The remaining contestants:

Dwarves
Balin
Bifur
Bombur
Dain
Dori
Dwalin
Fili
Gloin
Kili
Oin
Thrain (father of Thorin)
Thror (grandsire of Thorin)

Men/Elves
Bard
Beorn
Elrond
Galion (Elvenking's Butler)
Elvenking
The Master
Girion

Bad Guys
Azog
Bert
Bolg
Great Goblin
Chief Warg
Smaug
William
Tom

Others
Eagle Lord
Roac
Necromancer
Belladonna Took
Bullroarer (Bilbo's great ancestor)
Old Took

Day 14 starts now.

Ah I see that you are still carrying your petty grudges, however I care not whether the Master stay or go merely I'm trying to incite Ang to attack more dwarves :D .

Now something that does need to go is Beorn. His stupidity has long outstayed its welcome. He's a rather slow-witted and dull individual and the bear mauling can only be blamed on one person.

++Beorn

I endeavour to give satisfaction:

Balin-irritating chummy Father Christmas-like Hobbit lover. Gets shot by a goblin after wild goose pursuing a non-existent ring. Take him away, gentlemen of the jury!

Bifur-mediocre and silent. One distinction is to have a name resembling the most unfunny cartoon ever published in the Beano, Biffo the Bear.

Dain-Such a damned goody-goody, but has proved adept at stealing thrones. Evil royal usurper who acts on his own account...

Dori-witless ox

Dwalin-unmemorable insect

Fili-all well and good, but do we really need two chirpy young Dwarves with orange beards? It's like keeping Merry and Pippin, or Amrod and Amras...

Gloin-snobbish git, down on grocers. You'd get rid of him if it wasn't for his son, admit it...

Oin-only claim to fame is being eaten by a squid. We should let him get on and do that in the world outside.

You'll notice I didn't attack a few. The ones I like...

Out of that list, ++DWALIN seems most tedious to me, purely because of the Biffo the Bear factor.

++THEMASTER
He is useless he does nothing around camp vote him out.

I will make yet another case forthe drunk! His constant hangovers cause him to lash out at everyone and he does not contribute in the leas t to the tribe when he has them.
++Galion

Whether canonical or not, the spectacle of a drunken Elf grows tiresome after a while. He's past his best and it's all getting rather embarasssing now. It's painful to watch.

++ GALION

An Elf with a personality beats a Dwarf without one any day.

if you vote for Fili, Kili might cut your hand off. and i might take you head...

sigh...back at it boys!

++The Master

Rather disingenuous as Fili is not my target today; Dwalin is. Can anyone give me a single solid reason why Dwalin should stay? His very name is merely generic "Dwarf". He might as well be called Dwarf No. 11. In action and in nomenclature he is entirely without interest.

As for the Master;

Like Cesare Borgia, Il Duce Valentino dalla Romagna, the Master of Esgaroth was much maligned by those jealous of his great achievements, who took care to conceal the truth.

In fact, the Master (whose name was probably Don Fortunato da Esgarovino) rose from a childhood as the unwanted illegitimate son of a shipping clerk to be the greatest entrepreneur and politician of his time. His fall was quite different from its depiction in the Red Book.

Fortunato sold out nineteen lesser rivals and opened up a whole new market by exploiting the Dorwinese natives and the light-headed Silvan Elves, unused to strong wine and so captivated by it. He consistently commercially outwitted the Elvenking to receive as much commission as possible.

Fortunato used the gold he had purloined from Laketown to buy his way into the hierarchy of Rhun, and became Potentate of the East. His power and territory was prudently and gradually built up. He died from a surfeit of caviar at the grand old age of ninety-three. His descendants, the Esgarovini Potentates of Rhun, did not forget their heritage and wiped out Dale in a savage invasion early in the Fourth Age, having played a neutral game during the War of the Ring...

Is there any suggestion that the people of Laketown were downtrodden or poverty-stricken? Were they subject to any great suffering prior to the arrival of Bilbo and the Dwarves? Were they unhappy in any way with their lot in life? I think not. Rather it seems to me that they were quite a contented and well-off bunch, at least until a certain Dragon landed upon their homes. And the latter, I think, cannot be attributed to the Master of Laketown, but to a certain bunch of Dwarves accompanied by a certain (somewhat reluctant) burglar.

Now, why would the people of Laketown be contented and well-off? Could it be that the Master, through his own mercantile skills, had built the place up into quite an affluent little community, to the benefit of all? I believe so. And, if he paid himself commissions out of the town's revenue, well this only reflected due reward for his honest efforts in creating such an affluent society. Wealth creation is an important skill, which is to the benefit of all honest members of a society, and therefore deserves just reward.

Being an entrepreneur, is it any wonder that he was rather at a loss when the town was demolished by a downed Dragon? What skills did he have to help out at that time? His skills lay not in reconstruction and the relief of suffering, but in trade. Yet, despite all having benefitted from his efforts in the past, they cruelly throw him out simply because his skills were not what was required at that time.

While on the island, he has set up a decent system of barter, which has benefitted all those who are willing to pitch in and do an honest day's work. He has also been instrumental in setting up a counsel to resolve disputes between the contestants and meet out just reward or punishment, as appropriate. The commissions which he is taking by way of compensation for his efforts in this regard are entirely fair and in line with the salary that a man of his skill and ability might expect.

His contributions may not be showing in the more active tasks faced by the contestants, but he has nevertheless earned a right to stay by virtue of the contributions that he has made based on the skills that he is able to offer.

He should not be voted off.

--Beorn

++The Master

As SpM so eloquently pointed out he is wealthy and can fend for himself...therefore he need no monetary reward.

How predictable ... :p

Petty grudges can be long lasting can they not. I'm still avenging poor Samwise from LOTR survivor. Which reminds me Ang, seems to like Thror and Thrain.

Blessed Maglor, you need to get over your pet peasant, Morm...

Saucie, we're natural allies really, face it. Please join me in nabbing Dwalin the Dull.

As far as this particular show is concerned, that appears to be the case.

I will join with you tomorrow in your campaign to evict Dwalin if you will vote for whichever option would seem to stand the best chance of preserving the Master's dignity today. At the moment that would appear to be Galion (although that might, of course, change).

Of course I would be willing to remove my vote for the Mater if it seemed that my Beorn campaign was picking up speed.

Supporting Galion is a concession towards the loss of the Master, as they're on the same Tribe. We need to get things back onto a Dwarf-evicting jag!

EDIT: Offer gladly accepted morm; I'm no fan of Beorn, an uncouth lump in the Sam mould...

--DWALIN, ++BEORN

EDIT AGAIN: What a hypocrite I've proved myself. The truth is, Saucie, I like Galion...

I can live without Beorn, so you may have a deal if you agree to forego voting for the Master for the remainder of the show. In return, I will hold myself sympathetic to any candidates you propose, provided that my favoured contestants are not among them.

++The Master

Help, help I am beeing repressed.

--The Master

++Beorn

I'll do my best.

aye, that we are! it seems as if The Master is not the only oligarchical power broker we have! vote 'The Master', if not for his sake, than for your own!

You have my effeminate quill!

Beorn. Pah. What a cop out. Now if he were spelt Bjuyrnye, I might give him some respect-but...Beorn? Gross anglicisation!

Besides, he plays tough, but in fact, he's a ghastly hippy. He mass-murders sentient beings happily while refusing to harm fluffy ickle bunny rabbits. Reminds me of animal rights activists and hunt saboteurs. He's an outre Seventies drip. Away with him!

Besides, he forms a genetic anomaly. He is clearly described as dark; his folk are related to the Rohirrim; but the Rohirrim are blonde.

The answer to the puzzle? He's dying his hair black out of vanity, and applying fake tan! Probably hypocritically produced with animal testing!

Down with this turnabout veggie psychopath before he hurts his fellow humans.

Anyone who employs killer bees is bad in my books... and he keeps making trouble with the orks: squabbling over land and mashing them up.

++Beorn

Pah! Without a reason?

Saucie, we are hard pressed. Join us at this breach...

I will join the campaign against the shape-shifting hippie known as Beorn to keep The Master from being evicted unjustly.

++BEORN

I have given a reason before, and I was hard pressed for time when I voted so I wasn't going to bother with a reason.

If you must know why I voted for the Master it's because he is selfish and would rather save his own skin than protect the people of Laketown when they need him the most.

We have a deal. :)

If anyone's doing any repressing around here it's that dull unelected aristo, Bard. Some thrush talks to him and the next minute, he's claiming to be descended from the Lord of Dale. What's that all about? Talking to animals is no basis for choosing the head of state. Whatever next? Dr Dolittle for President?

Better a just and democratically elected ruler than the unruly lynch mob that calls for his head.

I'm right on it.

-- GALION
++ BEORN

Another nut who talks to animals. But only those that he deems worthy. He happily slaughters Wolves and hangs their pelts up for all to see.

Plus he is guilty of the heinous crime of spawning Middle-earth's only Abba tribute band, Beorn Again.

Plus, he's snaffled the camp's entire honey rations.

Plus I don't trust Werebears.

if you will recall, being decented from teh Lord of Dale has nothing to do with Esgaroth (as teh Master points out to the people of Esgaroth). yet he is still voted in.

last time i checked, the story runs like this:

'If only he had not been killed,' they all said, 'we would make him a king. Bard the Dragon-shooter of the line of Girion! Alass that he is lost!.'

then later:

'King Bard! King Bard!" they shouted. 'we will have King Bard! we have had enough of old men and teh money-counters! Up the Bowman, and down the Moneybags", till the clamour echoed along shore.

sounds as if 'the Bowman' won in a landslide victory over "Moneybags". and it does sound like a pretty democratic election, instead of teh 'unrully lynch-mob', as you put it.

i think you have turned the whole thing quite on its head, oh Master of Sausepans. The real 'dull unelected aristo' is the Master, not the courageous, stout-hearted, democratically ellected King Bard.

ps. the only argument agianst Beorn that holds any water is that of the Beorn Again thing. and that's only cuz its funny! ;)

Hmm, let me think. Did they elect a new King when Bard died? Erm, no. His son succeeded him. Democracy, huh? :p ;)

The Master achieved his position on merit, rather than succession or the inherited ability to understand birds. :smokin:

if that's how the people want it, then its democratic, isn't it? and i never heard any complaining, other than that directed against the one they so flateringly refer to as 'the Moneybags'. :D :p

aside from that, bard's son isn't on teh list, last time i checked. :p

I like Beorn the berserker. I concede that the vegetarianism is a bit poncy, but other than that, he's all man.
I don't like the Master. And I'm still sulking about Thorin and those who led the charge against him (oh yes, I'm looking at you, Morm.)
So
++THE MASTER