Sobbing as he slowly crept
Away in the hope of escape

The Dragon was attacked by a scary ape
Who thought him a large piece of fruit

But just as the ape gave a loud hoot,
There appeared a giant squid.

which promptly died being too far from liquid,
and the ape ran away with the moon

Leaving oceans too tideless too soon
And the fishermen were very surprised

But the Dwarves always despised
The ape that stole also their gold

almost as much as they hated being polled
on whether they liked gold better than mithril

It was always extremely easy to instill
Such hate and anger in Dwarvish hearts

so they buffed the shine on their oath speaking arts
and vowed to take revenge on the thieving ape

Weapons drawn, they marched across the landscape
Searching high and low for the ape and the treasure

First they found Shakespeare quoting from Measure for Measure
and for anakronistic rhyming heckled him out of Arda

Despite the frantic pleas of Varda
Who loved very much Shakespeare's rhymes

But they all heard some very mysterious chimes
That came from the house of Radagast the brown

The head Dwarf, named Dwayne of the Downs,
said, "The ape's too big to be Radagast's chimer."

But they all were distracted by a fat mimer*
Who stood before the Ape and entertained




*I don't think that is strictly a word... but, oh well.

with pouts and grins and looks so pained
that the Dwarves didn't realize it was Bombur

Until, he eventually fell wheezing on the floor
Clasping his chest and begging for many foods

The Dwarves in their surprise cast off their hoods of many hues
and asked him why in Middle Earth he mimed for an ape

Wheezing, he murmured to the dwarves listening agape,
"I needed cash! The ape pays well."

Now louder they heard Radagast's bell;
Dwayne said, "What's that wizard up to?"

Dwayne sent a scouting party of two
up to the wizard's ancient door

There they saw Gandalf on the floor
For he was drunk on Radagast’s ale

Indeed he was looking very pale
As he lay there, he began to shlur...

saying, "I mush be in Valinur,
sho fair and bright are the Dwarvsh tonight

Shining with shuch a heavenly light."
The dwarf scouts said "You're tipsy, muddled!"

So around the wizard they quietly huddled
Then dragged him back and told all they knew

But angrily he sent them away with a shoo!
So they all left and he went back to sleep

And the other Dwarves began to creep
Up to Radagast's house with wide grins

Bringing fruit peel-laden trash bins.
One careless Dwarf dropped a banana's...

Rotting, browning peel. "Heavenly ma-, manna!"
Shouted a dwarf as he slipped and fell.

And nothing more does his tale tell
For he himself turned into banana peel

A grim reminder of some lonely meal,
And the dwarves forgot banana-dwarf's fate

But charged towards Radagast with cries of hate
Believing he had conjured the whole oddity

So Radagast came to offer some commodity
to the fallen Dwarves who lay in the mess

and cried "You're the evil-doer, we guess?"
and together they had some ale

Until the wizard became quite pale
And did throw up his lunch on them

To which the dwarves replied "Ahem!
Clean up this mess right now."

And they threatened to butcher him like a cow
if he did not immediately mop the vomit up

He conjured in his defense an attercop
that scowled and spit and spun a web

To entangle the dwarves, like dust in a cobweb.
The dwarves rushed forth with axes but became ensnared!