Silmarillion Parody, Scene 1
Mayhem in Mandos


[enter Feanor, clad in a toga, drink in hand]


FEANOR:
The Valar are cowards, spineless cowards who can't do anything right!


NAMO:
Says someone who was beaten by a Balrog, of all things!


FEANOR:
Need I remind you that Balrogs are dangerous spirits? It's not shameful to die at the hands of one. Just ask Olorin.


[Olorin pokes his head in]


OLORIN:
Yeah, it is true.


NAMO:
Whatever. Now I have to check on your sons before they cause undue trouble.


[Meanwhile, in another part of the Halls]


[all former Lords of Gondolin save one are brandishing their weapons]



EGALMOTH:
I am gonna enjoy this.


ROG:
We're all gonna enjoy this, my friend.


ECTHELION:
But who doesn't enjoy a good old target practice? Especially in these kinds of circumstances?


GLORFINDEL:
I'd say you became a bit of a sadist, old friend.


ECTHELION:
He broke your heart. Surely even someone as noble as you wants to get back at him for hurting you?


GLORFINDEL:
You're right. We all welcomed him as one of our own in spite of his heritage, and how did he repay us? By throwing his lot in with the most hated being in Beleriand....


ECTHELION:
I knew you'd see it my way, old friend. All we need to do now is wait for Pengolodh and Turgon to bring him here.


ROG:
And for Eol to provide the weapons.


[To be continued...]

Announcer: Today, we have 'Not One of Us' by Lords of Gondolin on our repertoire.

[scene shifts to Lords of Gondolin, who are all holding various instruments]

Turgon:
[taps the mic]
Testing, testing....One, two, three!

Ecthelion:
Doom is upon us

Chorus:
Upon us

Ecthelion:
According to Namo

Chorus:
To Namo

Ecthelion:
Even though this is the case
We now know we should blame someone else

Chorus:
Someone else

[Ecthelion backs off. Turgon, Tuor and Idril take his place]

Turgon:
Born in grief

Ecthelion:
Raised to hate

Rog/Penlod/Egalmoth:
Helpless to resist his fate

Tuor/Idril:
Let him go, let him leave
But let's not forget he's the reason we grieve

Everyone:
Someone once betrayed us
He destroyed our faith in the world
Now we know this and our judgement is thus
Eol's son can never become one of us
He's not one of us now

Glorfindel:
Don't you think we were too hardcore with this?

Ecthelion:
Nah. Besides, Turgon gave us the green light to do this.

Tuor:
I have to say that that moment felt bloody amazing

Idril:
As the neutral observer, I have to agree with everything said, or sung.

Glorfindel:
To be fair, you weren't exactly a neutral observer. The whole thing started because of you.

Idril:
No. The whole thing started because of him. I was just the catalyst, nothing more.

Tuor:
[amused]
Look

[The disembodied fea of Meleth and Maeglin are seated nearby, whispering to one another]

Glorfindel:
They seem to be in love. Isn't that cute?

Idril:
It would be, if it weren't for the fact that my best friend is colluding with one of the Enemy's agents!

[starts to approach the duo at brisk pace]

Tuor:
Sorry, gotta run.
[follows his wife, hurriedly]

Glorfindel:
I better go too. Strength in numbers and all that.
[follows Tuor and Idril]

Ecthelion:
[sighs]
Why can't he just admit he is jealous....?

Egalmoth
[pats Ecthelion on the shoulder in silence]

Rog:
I am more incensed at the fact that, since we're already dead, I can't use my Hammer of Wrath to split the traitor's head open.


[To be continued]

Eriol:
I have plenty of tales to share
This one's one of the best
So do listen, if you dare
But first sit down by the fire and rest

The tale begins with the Elves
The beings tall and fair
Who settled into
The lands that were bare

The elves had luck
Far beyond anyone else
But for some of them life sucked
And they were never blessed

First of such was Feanor
Who departed with a clang
But he was ambushed and set on fire
Then he went out with the bang

Then came Maedhros
Who couldn't take it anymore
And in the fire he threw himself
Because his hand was sore

His brother, Celegorm the Fair
Had love troubles of the highest order
He loved Aredhel, and grabbed Luthien by the hair
And now he is no more

Curufin was the favorite
He and his bro made quite a duo
Then he was slain to break the stalemate
And to shake up the status quo

Caranthir was the dark one
Who never loved any Elleth
Instead, in his lands
He shared a bed with Haleth

Maglor was the secondborn
And the only sane one
Now, listening to Ulmo's horn
He wanders the shore alone

Finally, we have Lomion, of dubious fame
Who took after Celegorm, no joke
He played and lost the game
And then his body broke

And that's the end of this tale
That I have told
Now grab a cup of ale
And listen to more tales as they unfold

Originally Posted by Huinesoron (Post 715323) I think your choice of song for Maeglin is fitting, if you view him as a tragic antihero - which I know you do. Maeglin/Meleth is an interesting concept; with her as Idril's friend, I can see her having a lot of run-ins with Maeglin over the years as she tried to fend him away from the princess. It wouldn't be too hard for her to fall for Tall, Dark, And Angsty over here... which of course makes his fate all the more tragic, because to steal Earendil he would presumably have had to spurn Meleth. A sort of Smeagol-esque 'final chance to take a better path' scenario. Eriol's poem... well, I love the idea of him baffling the Elves by literally translating his weird Saxon slang - 'life for some of them sucked!' "Sucked upon what, my friend?" I'm... not clear why he's enumerated five of Feanor's sons plus their distant cousin, except for Urwen Likes Maeglin. And, er... is this a drinking song? Seriously, this is a drinking song, isn't it? More specifically, this is a drinking song written with the express intent of antagonising House Feanor. You've got 'Caranthir loves mortals', 'Maedhros is a wuss about his hand', 'Celegorm pulls girls' hair', 'the only interesting thing Curufin did was die', and 'the one who ran away was the only one with any sense' - plus 'and this evil dude must have been one of you too, because he was evil, and that's your Thing'. hS

Originally Posted by Urwen (Post 715327) Oh, and here is a pop quiz. Are Maeglin and Lomion the same person? 1: Yes 2: No 3: Maybe 4. What do you think?

Originally Posted by Huinesoron (Post 715333) 5. Elvish answer.* Yes, the two names refer to the same person; one was given by his mother, the other by his father. But no, because in fleeing from his father's house, Maeglin explicitly rejected Lomion as an identity. But then again, yes, because he remained very much his Father's son in temperament... but still, no, because Lomion was never a name Maeglin accepted; he was his mother's son, and 'Lomion' just an act to appease Eol. What do you think? :D hS *"Do not go to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes."

Originally Posted by Urwen (Post 715335) Um, I think you got that bit wrong. Maeglin was the name given to him by Eol and Lomion by Aredhel, so why would using the name Eol hated be 'just an act to appease Eol'?

Idril:
Now, what in Eru's name are you two doing?

Meleth:
Ah, oh....Um....you see....We're in love.....

Idril:
[suddenly screaming]
Get away from him, Meleth!

Meleth:
I am a grown Elf-maiden. You do not tell me what to do.

Tuor:
[arrives and stands beside Idril]
Hey, remember that time when I broke thy arm? With a wrench?
[grabs something out of thin air]
Specifically, this wrench.

Idril:
......

Maeglin:
......

Tuor:
[oblivious]
And then I threw thou off a cliff for good measure. Good times, that.

Maeglin:
..........

Idril:
Tuor, I love you, I truly do, but you're making this worse.

Eol:
[comes up from behind Maeglin]
On the contrary, princess. He is making things better. For me.
[approaches Tuor and slings an arm around his shoulder]
So you fulfilled my curse, eh? Come along, then. I've gotta hear all about that one.....
[Eol drags Tuor away for a chat]

-x-

Beleg:
[sulking]

Thingol:
All right. Whatever's got your panties in a twist can't possibly be worse than all the sh1t we've had to experience.

Beleg:
You don't understand. I've lost my partner, the person I've had a crush on for whole 25 years.

Thingol:
That's a mere fraction of Elven lifespan. When you're reincarnated, you'll find someone new.

Beleg:
There won't be anyone else but Turin. There isn't anyone in the world like Turin. And he is gone beyond the Circles of the World, and so I'll never see him again.

Thingol:
Quit your whining. It doesn't suit you. I have lost my daughter and my son-in-law, and my grandchildren, and all of my descendants. Your loss is nothing compared to what I went through.

[To be continued]

Originally Posted by Urwen (Post 715542) Did you like this one? I want to know whether I should continue this or not.

Originally Posted by Huinesoron (Post 715603) (You're also inspiring certain fanficcy thoughts of my own... ehehehe.) hS

Originally Posted by Urwen (Post 715920) Turin and Beleg are like those two guys who are madly in love with one another, but would never admit it.....

Originally Posted by Urwen (Post 716694) And Urwen said, her head held high I cry my love of Maeglin I've cried for love And Urwen said, her head held high I die for love of Maeglin I'll die for love

[SETTING: After Dagor Dagorath]

EOL
*sips tea*
Why, you're finally here. Wanna talk?

TURIN:
Talk about what?

EOL:
They hail you as a hero, don't you know? They sing praises to you, who drove your sword into Morgoth's black heart. Serves him right, that sucker, ha! And yet, they all overlook my contribution to the whole thing....

TURIN:
*frowns*
What are you talking about?

EOL:
I made your sword, you know? It was the finest piece of work I've ever created. There was another just like it. Its sibling, you know. Then it was taken from me by....someone I wish I could wipe out from my memory. Still, your contribution help me quell my bitterness about that....incident.

[enter Nellas, clearly displeased at the view]

NELLAS:
*frowns*
Stay away from my husband, spouse-killer!

TURIN:
*stands up*
It's okay, it really is.

NELLAS:
No, it's not. He is only trying to corrupt you.

TURIN:
*wry grin*
Ah, the irony. In the past, it was me who corrupted others.

NELLAS:
That was Morgoth's influence.

TURIN:
If I had stayed with you, none of that would have happened, so some of the blame lies with me.
*suddenly notices that his sword is no longer there*

EOL:
It served its purpose in slaying Morgoth, so now I'm taking it back. Thank you.

TURIN:
Meh, I am better off without it. Shall we?

*Turin and Nellas wander off together, as the scene fades to black*

Guide to Successful Relationship by Phary, Eol, Maeglin and Turin Turambar

It's recommended that you follow these guidelines

1. Your love interest must be a relative, preferably a close one, but a distant one will do the trick too.
2. She must be unwilling to a large degree
3. She must be of nobility
4. She must have a child that you can slay (optional)
5. If you ever beget a child with her, it is necessary that you should slay him/her when he/she comes of age
6. If she is espoused to another, kill them too.
7. If there is someone else who shows an interest in your girl, you must at least try to kill them in the most painful manner possible. Succeeding is recommended, but not necessary.
8. If the rival for your girl's affections is stronger than you, then you will undoubtedly die, but you must throw in one last act of defiance before this happens.
9. You must perform a highly elaborate suicide (optional)

The Lolmarillion

Where every rational thought goes to die a painful death

(Just as 80 % of the characters had).