101 Things LOTR Characters Would Never Say
 

One rule:Keep it clean people. Be funny, not crude.

• Something Gollum would not say, "Screw this whole ring obsession! I'm going into show business!"

• At Gollum's therapy session. Therapist: "How did this all begin?" Gollum: "Well, I can't pinpoint the exact time I went bad, but I think it had to do with the fact that I lost my glasses and Star Trek went into reruns."

• Aragorn: "Become King? Are you crazy? This place needs a democracy...and a paint job."

• Saruman: "I'm so lonely. Maybe I should get a poodle."

[ March 02, 2002: Message edited by: Maltaharma ]

Gandalf - "Does anyone have any questions about my daily affairs? I am open & ready to discuss them with you."
Frodo - "It rocks my world that the ring came to me!"
Samwise - "Mr.Frodo! You're naked," as he points and laughs at Frodo in the prison.
Samwise - "Screw this whole mission, you're on your own Mr.Frodo"
Legolas - "I've just been pretending to like you Gimli."

OK, well, it's late & that's all I could come up with [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img]

A noble Elven lady would never say something as cheesy as 'If you want him, come and claim him!' to nine Nazgûl.

Gandalf: "You know, what, forget everything I said Frodo, the ring's not that bad after all."
Frodo: "What the hell am I doing this for again!?"
Merry: "Damn, I'm depressed!"

Galadriel: "Frodo, I've never told you this before, but you got a great butt!"

Sauron: does my butt look big in this
Gimli: (to legolas) dumb blond!
Sam: oh! not another pub!

Saruman: 'Hey Gandalf, wanna hear my plan for world domination?'


Saruman: 'Come Wormtongue, we must return to Orthanc and prepare for tomorrow night.'

Wormtongue: 'Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?"

Saruman: 'The same thing we do every night, try to take over the world!!!'

Saurman: Gandalf, ol' friend. You know, I've been thinking, Sauron has realy turned evil and I'd like to help you defeat him.


Frodo: This adventure thing isn't what it's cracked up to be. I quit!

Sharku, I'm curious, what would a noble Elven lady say to the nine Nazgul? "Welcome to Rivendell, may I take your coat"? [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img]

As for me, I could never imagine...
Shelob: "Thanks, Gollum, but I'm on a diet."
Denethor: "What a lovely day it is today! Gee, I love my wonderful son Faramir! Isn't life great? Ah, smell the beautiful flowers! Everything is going to be just fine!"
Legolas: "Ai! A Balrog! Long time no see, my man!"
Treebeard: "Entwives schmentwives. Marriage is a ridiculously outdated institution."
Sam: "Mr. Frodo, you're a pathetic, whiny weakling, and a product of an idiotic class-system that I simply do not believe in!"

Tolkien's noble elven ladies wouldn't have been mucking around on horses being chased by Nazgûl in the first place, especially not Arwen!

Very true Bruce [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img].

Pippin: "Actually, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't do this."

Sam: "There's no way we'll ever get out of this, Mr. Frodo. Give up, we're doomed."

Gandalf: "Well done, Pippin!"

Eowyn: "Little account do you take of my injured self-esteem, Aragorn son of Arathorn. By my reckoning you art in great need of therapy."

Denethor: "Whatever."

Aragorn: "Huzzah!"

Saruman (gazing into the Palantir): "Make that a thick crust with pepperoni and green peppers, and oh, throw a bottle of Coke in with that order, will you? Thirty minutes? Thanks."

Ah yes, sitting at home and cooking lembas is a much nobler way to spend one's life, how could I forget? I think in the book itself, it is quite obvious why Arwen doesn't ride around on her own little adventures: her own mother had been ensnared by the Orcs! In the movie, however, certain aspects of the past are left up to interpretation, so I don't mind the changes in the least.
And by the way, what about Eowyn? Come to think of it, there is one thing I could never imagine her saying: "Darkness is coming! Let's run and hide!" [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]
And, while I'm on the subject of impossibilities...
Gollum: "Well, Precious, since you obviously don't return my affections, I think it's time for me to move on."
Aragorn: "Uh, Arwen? I know what I promised, but I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and I think blondes are more to my liking. Plus, when's the last time you slew a Witchking? But hey, if you're still itching to give up your immortality, I hear Faramir's available!"
Gimli: "Yeah, Galadriel's not that heinous for an Elf."
Frodo: "A giant spider! Just one more for Exotic Insect Bingo!"

[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Lush ]

Gollum: Sam, I hate fish, gimme one of your taters!

Aragorn: Ah, forget Arwen, Eowyn, I am all yours!

Sauron: Fine, keep the Ring!

Saruman: Gandalf, chill! You go your way, I'll go mine.

Balrog: (Blocking the bridge) That'll 5 dollars, please.

Pipin: Ooh! Pretty skeleton! Must toss into well....

Legolas: Oh, a mirror!! Can I keep it, Auntie Galadriel, please!!! [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

Faramir - I think Sauron and Ar-Pharazon had the right idea. If there was a bit less heroism and a lot more human sacrifice then Gondor would not be besieged by the armies of Morgul.

Saruman - My life has really improved since I joined Greenpeace.

Sauron - I plan to over-win the minds of the peoples of Middle-Earth by imitationing my infidel George Bush.

[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: Fenrir ]

Sauron: My ISP just hung me up!! How am I suppose to contact my Nazguls in real time now?!

Gandalf: You know what, Saruman, I'm getting fed up of those silly hobbits and their little songs. Maybe I'll stay here with you after all.

Lush, you'll love my fan fiction character! (Now if they would just get the rest of my story up on this site!) The rest of you might be offended at what this noble elven lady does! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Arwen to the Nazgul: That's right folks! For the incredible low, low price of just $19.95, you can have this wonderful little hobbit! And, if you call within the next 5 minutes, we'll throw in this ring of world domination AT NO CHARGE!"

Boromir: Why would I want that tacky interstate gift shop fake gold ring anyways? It turns my fingers green!

Balrog: $2.50 please! And thank you for travelling the Khazad Dhum Turnpike today!

Legolas: Your mirror is wrong, Galadriel! Where'd this cursed zit come from!!! ARGH!!!

Elrond: I know, let's just give this ring to Pippin & Merry! What harm could they do?

Oh this is fun!!! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Aralaithiel ]

Bilbo: Frodo, my lad, it's time you moved out and got a job.

Treebeard: SorE L8. E-M%t wNt frvr. mEt frNs l8r OK? CU.

Legolas: I'm cold! I'm hungry! My feet hurt!

Boromir: I don't think I can do this...

Gimli: I don't want to be rich, just comfortable.

Sam: Do it yourself!

Frodo: If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Gollum: Give me chips right now and keep nassty fish!

Eowyn: Forget it Aragorn, we could just never work together!

Pippin: Hey! I didn't get in trouble today!

Pippin: Wait, you were all using me as scapegoats and I really didn't screw up at all?!

Sam: Sorry Frodo, you're on your own.

Frodo: Well, on the down side I lost a finger, but on the up side... I....um...

Glaurung: I'm sorry, could you come back in a little bit? My fire doesn't seem to be working at the moment.

Smaug: And under the hollow of my left breast you may notice the empty patch (poses like a model on beach).

Things LOTR characters would never sing:
The Fellowship gathered around a fire: Kumbiyah

Orcs and Saruman: The can-can

Durin's Bane: "Wait, why don't I just fly up and let that wizard plummet to the ground?"

Húrin: "Phew, I'm glad the sun's coming up, then these trolls will turn to stone."

Balin: "Cannot get out. The only bridge of Khazad-Dûm is in the hand of the enemy."

Gil-Galad: "Back off Sauron, I am the son of Fingon!"

Tom Bombadil: "I'm sorry Yavanna, but I just don't care about trees." -- Goldberry: "That's too bad, Aule, my dear."

Shagrat: "I think I'll sell my fëa to that Annatar dude, he seems mighty nice."

Glaurung: "Oh no, don't hurt me, mighty Lord Gothmog!"

Glorfindel: "Reincar-what? So my name's that of a war hero, big deal."

Círdan: "Yup, I decided to marry the woman I love."

Galadriel: "I don't need that Elven Ring as long as I have you, my husband."

TDW: "You're right, your arguments are better than mine, I admit it." [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Sharku ]

"nobody tosses a Dwarf!"
"Let's hunt some Orc!"

These two should never have been said, but were.

"I think I'll give up beer and go on a diet" Fatty Bolger...any Hobbit for that matter.
"Does this dress make my bum look fat?" Arwen
"Lobelia! Lobelia! Wherefore art thou, Lobelia?"
"Doh!" Pippin.

Suppertime! (no, that's me!)


[img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Glenethor ]

Legolas: I'm TIRED. Waah.
Gandalf: *to Balrog* Hey man, can I have a light? *inhales* Ah, yes, much better. Where were we?
Haldir: Lorien welcomes you with open arms, Master Gimli!
Denethor: Gandalf, I am SO glad to see you!
Denethor: Faramir, I am SO glad to see you!
Eowyn: Hey Witchking, I am not only a woman, but a liberated shieldmaiden. Can I have your number?
Radagast: No worries Gandalf, for here I come to save the day!

[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Lush ]

King of Rohan: "Shadowfax? Shadowfax who? Oh, that horse, I never really liked him, you can keep him."

Merry: "Pippin! We've been seperated! We've never been apart! On all our adventures we're always together! What will I do?!"

Pippin: "Merry, calm down. Here, have a light."

Saruman: Sauron. You suck. I quit.

Treebeard: Yes! I've won the 100 meter dash!

Good one!

Old Man Willow: "Hobbits. Yuck."
Tom Bombadil: "Let's not get off on a tangent here."
Goldberry: *to Tom* "I have better things to do than make dinner. Call Dominos and get off my back."
Sam: "Frodo, here's a map of Mordor. Have fun and take lots of pictures. Bye!"
Aragorn: "Seizing the throne of Men in an honorable way? More like the needlessly hard way! Thanks, but no thanks. Frodo, give me that Ring."

*looks at aralaithiel's sig and falls off chair laughing* That is awesome! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Smeagol: Yeah, thanks and all Deagol, but y'know...rings really aren't my thing...

Lobelia: *to Frodo* Such a nice boy!

Bilbo: *to dwarves* GET OUT!!!

Gandalf: Hmmm... I dunno, white's not really my color.

Smaug: I've decided to donate all of my vast horde to the "Rebuild Laketown Fund"! *cheesy grin*

Frodo: *to Council of Elrond* Eh, y'know, now that I think about it, I kinda...really don't want to go on this quest. Could you find someone else to do it?

Elrond: *right before the Fellowship leaves Rivendell* Good-bye, Mr. Baggins...

Gandalf: Hmm on second thought, Aragorn,you try and defeat the Balrog. The rest of us will run!

Frodo: Hey, it's Bilbo's old ring! *drops ring down the sink* Oh well, I'm sure no one will notice, anyways how important can one ring be??

Orcs (in Mordor): "Everybody scream, everybody scream, in our town of Halloween!"

Ted Sandyman: "Wow, Sam, what happened next?"

The Gaffer: "So enough about Bagshot Row being dug up. What have you been doing with yourselves all this time?"

OK, it's the best I can manage at this time of night.

Legolas: Oh my gawd, Gimli, look at her butt. It is soooooo big...

Aragorn: Do you understand the words comin' out of my mouth?!
Boromir: Man, nobody understands the word comin' out of your mouth!

Gandalf: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

Elrond: (pay attention Matrix fans) We must take the ring to Mount Doom...Missster Anderson...

Aragorn: I am the cheese.

Balrog: Gandalf, would you care for a crumpet?

Legolas: Oh my gawd, Gimli, look at her butt. It is soooooo big...

Aragorn: Do you understand the words comin' out of my mouth?!
Boromir: Man, nobody understands the word comin' out of your mouth!

Gandalf: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

Elrond: (pay attention Matrix fans) We must take the ring to Mount Doom...Missster Anderson...

Aragorn: I am the cheese.

Balrog: Gandalf, would you care for a crumpet?

This is the GREATEST thread. I am laughing so hard, my jaw feels like it's about to fall off.

Arwen: "Aragorn, I'm afraid that while you were away saving the world, Glorfindel and I realized that we have so much in common and, well...You didn't think you and I would make it as a couple through the end of this Age? Oh you did? That's sweet."

Eowyn: "You mean that geek is the heir to the throne of Men?"

Faramir: "Thanks, Aragorn. You've been great. Bye now! Have fun trekking with the Dunedain!"

Isildur: "Big gold rings are passe."

Gollum: "Hey Frodo, could you move over? You're blocking the sun."

*Lush gathers her jaw and stumbles off*

Pippin: Baths! I hate baths!

Sam: Ah, it's just a box of dirt. What good could it do? (dumps it in the Bywater)

Ferny to Sam: Ha ha ya missed me!

Aragorn to Bilbo: Your poetry sucks.

Bombadil: Didn't I tell you to stay away from the barrows?! Serves ya right!

Galadriel: Ewwwww! A dwarf!

The Gaffer (to Sam): "Good job, my boy!"

Gollum: "Would you care for some tea, gentlemen? Milk or sugar?"

Legolas: "My feet hurt."

Sam: "Workers everywhere, UNITE!"

Pippin: "Beer? No, water for me."

Treebeard: "Would you just hurry up and get to the point?"

Merry: "Boy, am I depressed."

Tom Bombadil: "How long have I lived here? Oh, a couple years..."

Gandalf: "I'm tired. Why don't you take over for a while, Pippin?"

Éowyn (singing): "I, I will survive..."

Sandyman: "Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?"

Boromir: "What ring?"

Gandalf, Aragorn and Legolas (in harmony) "Short people got no reason to live..." [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Legolas - "I don't want to be immortal anymore."
Legolas - "The sea is scary, I don't like the sea."
Aragorn (in song) - "I am the very model of a modern major general!"
Denethor - "anybody wany s'mores?"
Eowyn - "I am woman, hear me roar!"
Frodo - "I will take the ring, NOT"
Merry & Pippin - "I could sure go for some of that Orc water about now."
Galadriel - "Give me the ring, on second thought, I do want to rule the Earth."
Galadriel - "I don't have a gift for you, Gimli, don't you feel stupid right about now!"
Gollum - "Why do I think the ring is sooo precious?"

The Nine Mortal kings: "Sauron, yes, yes, magic rings.. we've sent the contract over for our lawyers to review. We'll get back to you on that."

Nazgul in Shire: "Well, now isn't this a cozy little place!"

Elrond: "So we should send the ring with a halfling with no weapons training, no clue where he's going, who got lost twice on the way here.. heeheeehaaaha.. I can barely say this with a straight face-!"

[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: Marileangorifurnimaluim ]

Denethor: *sitting by the fire* "Kumbaya my Lord! Kumbaya!"

Maril-jaw is really coming off now!

I saw a similar question on another board. Here's what I posted (with some modifications):

Saruman to Gandalf: I have a deal you can't refuse!

Gandalf (to Saruman): What an opportunity!Count me in, dude!

Boromir: Lousy Horn! I wanted guitar lessons anyway!

Aragorn to Arwen: Iay referpay iglatinpay otay 'lvisheay...oday ouya indmay? Ownay, ivegay emay omesay ugarsay!

Legolas: They sing a lament for Gandalf...no, wait! Um, sorry, that's 99 Beers on the Wall!

Frodo: I'm not like you, Bilbo (aside to camera w/wink) I'm ever so much cuter!

Frodo: Ole McBilbo had a ring!
EE-EYE-EE-EYE-OH
And on this ring there was a spell
EE-EYE-EE-EYE-OH
With a big eye here
A big eye there
Here an eye!
There an eye!
Everywhere an eye! eye!
Ole McBilbo had a ring...

Sauron: May I have my ring back now...pleeeeeeze!

Legolas: Would my hair look better if I got a perm?

Aragorn: Hmm...does anyone have a mirror and a razor, this beard is killing me.

Bilbo: Poetry? Poetry is for pansies.

Elrond: I don't know half of you as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Gollum: I think I should work on my tan for a bit, you guys can go ahead with the ring and I'll met you later.

Glorfindel after being tossed off the mountain by the Balrog: Hey! That was fun! Can I do that again?

Gandalf: But I like blue better...why can't I have blue? I want to have a nice sky blue, i think it sets off my eyes.

Isildur to Sauron: Hey, you look good in black-and that complexion! My god, how do you look so young?
Sauron to Isildur: Cucumbers, Miracle Whip and Eggs--it works wonders for the wrinkles.

Galadriel: You expect me to give you a kiss, Dwarf? You smell like horse dung and look like the wrong side of an orc. No wonder your kind lives in dark caves, I would too if I looked like you.

Celeborn: Galadriel, You've got saggy boobs. Have you ever thought of getting plastic surgery?

Luthlien: Wolves aren't that bad...they're like big puppy dogs. All they need is a little love and affection.

Elrond: I'm illiterate.

Nazgul: Black isn't my colour...and these horses! Ugh! They are so Cliche! Like, why not get a nice Jaguar or Beamer?

I have more...but I think I have rambled on too much..
~~Daegwenn