Middle-earth Misdemeanors
 

This thread is meant to be humorous...let's just start trumping up misdemeanor charges and crimes for all the various Middle-earth characters.

The most notorious petty criminal is without a doubt Gandalf. Ever wonder why he has so many names? Gandalf, Mithrandir, Incanus, Tharkun, Olorin, Stormcrow, Greyhame, The White Rider, The Grey Pilgrim. Someone with that many names has to be involved in loads of illegal activities.

I would guess for tax evasion purposes, because he doesn't have a return address, as he claims he doesn't have a home. But also all the other crimes he's involved in.

Bribery: he claims Shadowfax was a "gift." Ha, I doubt you get a flashy ride such as Shadowfax without any strings attached.

He was also a notorious flasher:

"Naked I was sent back" ~The White Rider

"Then you will see Gandalf the Grey uncloaked"~Long-expected Party

So, what other petty criminals do we have in Middle-earth? :p

Samwise Gamgee- Attempted Arson in the Old Forest
One Count of Assault on one Bill Ferny via a thrown apple

Adelard Took- Notorious Purloiner of Umbrellas- Petty Theft

Barrow-wight- 4 counts of Unlawful Imprisonment and Theft of Hobbit Clothing

Meriadoc Brandybuck- Theft of 'weed' from one Saruman

Pippin is a known litter bug look at him dropping the elven broach, also Glorfindel for that matter.

Legolas should be ticketed for not wearing a safety restraint in his vehicle, riding saddle less as could Gandalf

Thranduil lets his pet spiders run wild. He could be charged with...something... :D

No, I don't think the spiders are Thranduil's pets; in fact we're told his people kill them without mercy.

-Which brings me to the real change against the Wood-Elves: wanton slaughter of rare (and probably endangered) species!:mad:

Isildur and Deagol with petty-theft

Ahh, morm, but Isildur had a legal claim to the Ring as weregild...a claim accepted by Elrond et all. But yes Deagol definitely.

Nerwen's got me thinking more about Gandalf again. For it was Gandalf who was responsible for destroying the Balrog...certainly a rare and endangered species. :p

And advising the youth (Pippin) to kill themselves: "Throw yourself in next time and then you will be no further nuisance."

My name's Halbarad. I'm a ranger. I was working
the day watch out of Tharbad protecting halflings
in the Shire when my men and I were attacked by
nine horsemen in black. Some of my fellow rangers
were killed. The black riders, believed to be agents
of Sauron, a.k.a. the Necromancer, were tried in
absenia. In a moment the results of that trial........

The presiding judge ruled that since Halbarad, the
chief plaintiff, and the black riders (a.k.a. nazgul, a.k.a.
ringwraiths) all died in the War of the Ring they would
be let off with a stiff scolding by Lobelia S-B.

*sigh* I'd like to see this as an isolated incident. But when you throw in:

*Bard killing Smaug (how many dragons were left in Middle-earth by then?)

*The massacre of helpless Wargs by the Fellowship

*Eowyn brutally decapitating one of the near-extinct fell beasts

*The mumakil being shot down at the Pelennor Fields (no doubt their ivory was sold on the black market)

–the conclusion is inescapable: many of these so-called "heroes" should be charged with crimes against nature!

The army of Saruman should be charged with arson as the approached Helm's Deep.

well if Gandalf is a criminal,

Elrond-Harboring a known fugitive.
Bilbo theft in Thandruil's palace

Bilbo could also be accused of being a peeping tom to Smaug amongst others.

Frodo and Sam can be charged with trespassing. Sauron did not invite them into Mordor.

Saruman Many Colored was certainly guilty of felling trees without a permit. On another's property, no less.

Also, he and one Grima Wormtongue were guilty of squatting in Bag End.

Saruman's distant cousin Gandalf is certainly a worse miscreant, with such charges as defacing protected land, spying and trespassing on the Necromancer, leading tours of condemned properties, destruction of property, blackmail, smuggling, public lewdness, arson, drug dealing and evading authorities on a speeding eagle.

And don't forget Sam, Merry, Pippin and Fatty Bolger - for conspiracy! :eek:

gollum- stalking
Gimli- desecration of a tomb, he stood on balin's grave.
Legolas- not sure what the crime would be labelled allowing a fugitive roam free, letting Gollum out

Barliman Butterbur charged with racist abuse over his hatred of 'black men' who entered his village.

Queen Beruthiel- found guilty of beimg a cat lover.
Sentenced to sail away with them "To a better
land where we'll be free once more".
(Also rejected her husband's suggestion of 101
things to do with dead cats)

Don't forget criminal neglience resulting in the loss of property, luckily merry settle out of court and didn't press charges.

Barrow-Wight Kidnapping

BB charged with criminal negligence in not forwarding
Gandalf's letter to Frodo, almost causing Sauron to get
the one ring.

Sauron should be charged for not putting streetlights in Shelobs Lair (after all, it is his property) - look how many unfortunate accidents that caused!

Aragorn was tresspasing private property when he went through the way that's shut.

Isn't Tom Bombadil still dogged by charges of kidnapping Goldberry?

Smoking in enclosed, public spaces: a whole host of characters.

Glorfindel and Frodo probably broke the Rivendell speed limit.

The Nazguls for disturbing the peace in Bree and attempted murder (when Frodo was stabbed). :p

Could also charge them with vehicular homicide (when they ran the poor gate watcher over. Can't remember if this happened in the books or not, I really need to read them again.)

Bilbo-for stealing Golum's precious!
Ungoliant-for attempted murder and theft (think of Manwë's face if this came to court!)

You should say Gandalf for breaking the one in Rohan!
The way this thread goes, Gandalf is the biggest criminal in the history of ME!

It makes Denethor's dislike of the wizard more understandable, to be honest.

And both Denethor and Saruman should be in court for trying to access private inforation through the palanthirs - Aragorn too, for that matter. And Pippin, even though he did it "by accident"

A good lawyer would easily put Aragorn away for multiple cases of fraud.

Bilbo's real reason for leaving Bag End was less than what he let on in his book. He was in fact out of his money and was skipping out on his creditors who he still owed for Bag End.

Remember that The Hobbit was compiled from Bilbo's own notes - his bias shines through. Are we really supposed to believe the cartoonish villainy of the Sackville-Bagginses, and their low-down tricksy attempts to steal Bilbo's 'rightful' home?

He used his wealth and connections to cheat this poor family out of their promised house.

Most of them could be done with carrying offensive weapons and vagrancy- and you may want to check out Aragorn's use of "herbs". I also hope that my lord Elrond had the appropriate licences for his miruvor distillery.

Eowyn must be charged with fraud and creating a fake ID

Sauron doesn't have a license to use a palantir.

Sam was totally right about Strider, and Frodo would have agreed with Sam, if Gandalf didn't blackmail him! So, Gandalf sued by Sam for blackmailing Frodo, and Strider brought into court as well as an accomplice.

Just off the top of my head.

Fake IDs / Identity Theft: Besides Aragorn, Eowyn, and Gandalf, There are: Finrod, Beren, and accomplices; Luthien; and Sauron.

Theft: Anybody who had a silmaril after Morgoth stole it who wasn't a son of Feanor. The fact that they stole it from the thief does not mean that they themselves did not commit theft.

Obscuration of Justice: Anybody who was questioned about why the Noldor had fled Valinor and left out the bit about kinslaying. Anybody who tried to keep the Silmarils from their rightful owners (including the Valar. They had no right to make it so the sons of Feanor could not touch the silmarils. Gandalf when he encouraged Pippin to not answer Denethor's questions.

The Vala only hallowed the Silmarillions. No one evil could touch them, Melkor included. What Maedhros and Maglor had done [attacking Thingol's kingdom] was evil, thus they couldn't touch them.

What right did the Valar have to hallow the Silmarils. They weren't the property of any of the Valar which is why they couldn't just take the Silmarils from Feanor to fix the trees. What use was hallowing them anyways? Morgoth still managed to keep them.

I tend to have problems viewing it as that evil. Dior had stolen property -a Silmaril - in his possession and refused to get it back. Let's say that the Mona Lisa gets stolen from the Louvre and then the Prime Minister of some country takes it from the thieves and then refuses to give it back to France. Would anybody blame France for going to war? No, because it's stolen property and it was a national treasure. The Silmarils were one of the Noldor's greatest treasures. So why is it evil for them to want their property back?

Why are the Feanorians judged to be more evil then the rest of the Noldor? Fingon participated in the first kinslaying but he's seldom viewed as evil. And really the first kinslaying is the only one I can view as evil. The second and third were prompted by Dior and Elwing refusing to give the Feanorians their rightful property.

That doesn't mean that it was right for them to kill women and children but if Dior and Elwing hadn't of kept stolen property in the first place it wouldn't have occurred.

In getting the Silmarils back they did evil deads. The Vala could not have foreseen Feanor loosing the Silmarils. That they killed was why they couldn't touch them.

But who decides what is evil? To me, Elwing's actions are just as bad as the Feanorians. She chose to abandon her children to what would have been their death if it wasn't for 'evil' Matimo and Maglor. To my mind there is little difference between somebody who kills children and somebody who abandons two children to die at the hand of said killers so that they can keep a jewel that doesn't even belong to them.

Boromir - noise pollution (when he blows his horn when starting from Rivendell (everyone around reacts too!)
Gollum - Illegal hunting in Ithilien
Sam has to be added to the list of criminals assaulting an endangered species - Shelob. It is even said she was the last and greatest of her kind!
Thingol and a host of other Elves - racist remarks.