[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Some of you may know that Maédhros has PMed me, asking for comments on the revisions to the two poems The Lay of Eärendil and The Horns of Ylmir. Apparently my observations bear posting, so here they are. Sorry if I'm breaking the correct order of things here.

I've had a chance to read through those poems and the alterations. Before I go through them I ought to say that although I appreciate what the group are trying to achieve, I really think that the poems should be excluded if they won't fit without amendment. The Horns of Ylmir particularly relies on the juxtaposition of the soft, sweet Land of Willows and the hard, bitter shore for its main effect, and although changing the tense of the last stanza preserves this to some extent, it is still very much weakened and the symmetry of the work destroyed by the loss of the opening lines. In any case I found the sensation of a wild dream brought on by Ylmir's music to be much more powerful than the sense of actually being by the sea.

The changes to the Lay of Eärendil are much more supportable, but all the same there are places where the amendments do detract from the power of the verse. I would rather see it excluded than weakened.

Having said that, here are my comments:

Fall of Gondolin: Lay of Eärendil

FG-LE-01: Agreed. Tolkien's substituted line is far better.

FG-LE-02: Although 'Tuor' is the later name, it adds an inconvenient extra syllable to the line. From a purely poetic standpoint, the original name should be kept if it preserves the correct fall of the line.

FG-LE-03: Agreed.

FG-LE-04: A cleft is by definition cloven: Tolkien would never be so clumsy. I suggest 'in the cliffs was cloven, Cirith Thoronath'

FG-LE-05: Agreed.

FG-LE-06: Linguistics aside, 'Thornsir' is better. 'Thoronhir' has an additional syllable that spoils the fall of the line. I suggest perhaps a poetic abbreviation, e.g. 'Thor'nhir'. However ancient poetry often gives many versions of names ('Wawen' is given for 'Gawain' throughout Sir Gawain and the Green Knight in its original form).

FG-LE-07: If the chronology must change in line with later developments, I suggest 'thwarted moons'. I would say 'thirsty moons' but the repetition would be unforgivable.

FG-LE-08: 'High Gods' to 'high Powers' doesn't work since it adds an extraneous syllable. I suggest 'high lords', since Tolkien does refer to the Valar elsewhere as 'the lords of the West'. However, all concerns about the use of 'Gods' for the Valar seems verging on pedantry. The poet's knowledge is not necessarily Tolkien's, and are we even sure that he was an Elf?

FG-LE-09: This seems to work

FG-LE-10: In defiance of CJRT I think that 'there' is more likely. The repetition of this word adds weight and symmetry to the line and fits the sense better than 'then'

FG-LE-11: I would suggest rather 'drenched there their feet', since this would have the right number of syllables. Also we have a precedent for the poetic repetition of 'there'.

Fall of Gondolin - The Horns of Ylmir

FG-HY-01: If the first four lines are dropped, then the entire stanza might as well go. A two-line stanza would stick out like a sore thumb, spoiling the overall rhythm of the piece and in any case the remaining lines make little sense without their predecessors.

FG-HY-02: I don't see why 'subtly' has to go. If this line must be included (see above) I suggest 'Ocean musics subtly magic that those waves alone could weave' since it alliterates nicely and Tolkien was fond of alliteration.

The second amendment must be if it must be. As I said this poem's amendment spoils it however well it's done.

I think that 'he blew a single, piercing note' would be better than 'he blew one long and piercing note'.

FG-HY-03: I fail to see what's wrong with Tolkien's line (in my edition 'Till the tides went out, and the Wind died, and did all sea musics cease')

Why remove 'lo!'? I know it sounds melodramatic but there's little need to excise it.

'And the meadows {were} [are] about me {where} [with] the weeping willows {grew} [too]': The end of this line is very weak. I doubt very much that Tolkien would use 'with the weeping willows too' and I would prefer a more substantial alteration. My first thought was 'and the willows weep anew', reinforcing a sense of bereavement that comes from the loss of the sea-vision (or in the revised version the return to Nan-Tathren).

I must stress again that tampering with Tolkien's verse is at best ill-advised. He was after all a professional tutor of English language, and if he used a particular word then there was a good reason for it. It's particularly important to preserve the metre, which in Tolkien's poetry is extremely strict (the alliterative form is completely inflexible in any case). Most of the more substantial alterations (particularly to The Horns of Ylmir - see above) in some way detract from the poem, and I for one don't want to see Tolkien's verse watered down when people already think him a poor poet. Although I think that my suggested amendments might help, I still think that it would be kinder to the verses and to Tolkien himself simply to leave them out completely rather than to chop them around to make them fit his later writings. I'm sorry if that view performs its ablutions on anyone's fireworks, but I thought it best that you know my editorial stance.

Enough about poetry. Although my tone above may be a bit severe, I was very flattered to be invited to comment. I've been staying well away from the revised Silmarillion because I've not read through my HoME properly yet, so for my opinion to be considered worth having is a nice surprise. I make no claim to be a great versifier, and I'm certainly not the most informed person when it comes to Tolkien, but I hope my comments have been useful.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 11:09 AM January 31, 2004: Message edited by: The Squatter of Amon Rûdh ]