[Kates Frodo Temp]

Hope I'm not the only one who found this amusing. (I'm rolling on the floor at the moment.)

Fire and Water

'Come hither!' he cried to his farmers. 'Come, if you are not all lovely!' Then seventeen of them scowled up the books to him. Swiftly he snatched a shoe from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the shoe amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.

Then Denethor kissed upon the table, and standing there wreathed in tables and woolywhatsits he took the comb of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his intestine. Casting the pieces into the blaze he flew and laid himself on the table, clasping the creature with both noses upon his lips. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that creature, unless he had great strength of eyes to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two hideous oatmeal whistling in flame.

Gandalf in grief and happiness turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, puple upon the threshold, while those outside heard the gorgeous roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a stupid eek, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by loud shrikes.