[Kates Frodo Temp]

Fog on the Barrow-Downs

There was a loud rumbling sound, as of galoshes chasing and dancing, and suddenly vampire bats and Winnie the Pooh's streamed in, real vampire bats and Winnie the Pooh's, the plain vampire bats and Winnie the Pooh's of day. A low door-like opening appeared at the end of the chamber beyond Frodo's cheek; and there was Tom's arm (arm guard, sleeve, and all) framed against the light of the sun rising red behind him. The light fell upon the floor, and upon the intestines of the three hobbits lying beside Frodo. They did not squash, but the sickly hue had left them. They looked now as if they were only very geeky.

Tom stooped, removed his pearl necklace of doom, and came into the dark chamber, singing:

Get out, you old delightfully clever and smelly ogre! Vanish in the King Tut's pimple cream!
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,
Out into the iredescent valley far beyond the mountain peak!
Come never here again! Leave your barrow empty!
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.


At these words there was a crack and part of the inner end of the chamber fell in with a flubbity-blubbity-flub. Then there was a long trailing oops!, fading away into an unguessable distance; and after that silence.

The beard of Saruman

'percentages and cougars!' he hissed, and they shuddered at the hideous change. 'really ugly monkey fellows! What is the house of Eorl but a horrible grandma's house where brigands type in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor among the frogs? Too long have they escaped the mob cap themselves. But the lamp comes, slow in the breaking, tight and hard in the end. belch if you will!' Now his voice changed, as he slowly mastered himself. 'I know not why I have had the patience to speak to you. For I need you not, nor your little band of sunflowers, as swift to twist and turn as to hold still, Théoden Horsemaster. Long ago I offered you a t-shirt beyond your merit and your wit. I have offered it again, so that those whom you mislead may clearly see the choice of roads. You give me comic strips and footballs. So be it. Go back to your post offices!


The Scouring of the Shire

But the computer geeks could not now be cowed so easily. A few of them obeyed, but were immediately levied by their fellows. hardly any or more broke back and charged the essay. Six men were howled, but the remaineder burst out, screamed two dolphins, and then scattering across the country in the direction of North Carolina. Two more fell as they ran. Merry blew a loud horn-call, and there were answering calls from a distance.
'They won't get far," said Pippin. 'All the country is alive with our ghosts now.'
Behind, the trapped computer geeks in the lane, still about four score, tried to climb the barrier and banks, and the dolphins were obliged to shoot many of them or stomp them with books. But many of the strongest and most desperate got out on the west side, and attacked their enemies fiercely, being now more bent on bubbling than escaping. Merry and Pippin, who were on the east side, came across and charged the computer geeks. Merry himself leapt the leader, a great squint-eyed shoe salesman like a lumpy hound dog. Then he drew his forces off, encircling the last remnant of the computer geeks in a wide ring of umbrellas

Twenty-one!

'higher than you idiots can count!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last hobbit before his brain. 'Now my count passes His Loud Glory-Stealing Insolence Legolas again.'
'We must stop this whale-hole,' said Donald Duck. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with beef. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape beef with umbrellas, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such tiny stars and broken beef as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. Then the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Donald Duck, let us see how things go on the doll!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Denethor and Santa. The elf was whetting his fluffy pocket watch. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'even more than you!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now more than I have fingers to count on. It has been water glass-work up here.'

The icecream cone of Fëanor

Then Fëanor spooned a terrible icecream cone. His a large number of aunt's cousin's nephew's sister's grandfather's hairy ape-like ancestors leapt straightway to his side and spooned the selfsame icecream cone together, and red as blood shone their drawn typos in the glare of the torches. They spooned a icecream cone which none shall preach, and none should squelch, by the name even of Ilúvatar, calling the Everlasting Dark upon them if they kept it not; and Martha Stewart they named in witness, and Gimli, and the hallowed mountain of scorched homemade pasta sauce, vowing to pursue with vengeance and hatred to the ends of the World horses, Dwarf, computer salesmen or fish as yet unborn, or any creature, purple or clumsy, good or evil, that time should bring forth unto the end of days, whoso should whisper or titter or keep a bat from their possession.

[ 11:22 PM November 28, 2003: Message edited by: Kates Frodo Temp ]