davem,
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I suppose Tolkien would have agreed that God was in control of his destiny - he even seems to imply that it was not God's will that his friends should survive the war - but this is another way of saying God intended their suffering & death. Lewis says something similar - 'Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a sleeping world... God uses suffering to make us let go of our hold on the toys of this world...' But what God, in Tolkien's view, intends for himself & his friends (&, by extension, for his own mother), & what Illuvatar intends for Frodo, is difficult to relate to our modern Christian ideas of a 'loving God'. Perhaps the war gave Tolkien a deeper, mystical, understanding of God. Tolkien's God, both within & outside of ME, seems to be one who will, in the 'right' circumstances intend our suffering, even to the death - for Frodo there is no happy ending, not in this world - he suffers until he dies.
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Tough love? No, that's really a light-hearted joke which does not do justice to the point here.
I am not Catholic but I think that this idea of suffering as a way to prepare one for heaven is a central feature of Catholicism, and likely would be germane to Tolkien's view, I would think. Is the corollary also valid, though, that those who suffer the most are those who are the least willing to give up the world? Did Sam suffer less than Frodo? He certainly was able to live a satisfied life in Middle-earth for some time.