I'd check my map - how did I get into a tavern like this? Isn't there a warning label?
If it turned out that yes, I was supposed to be there, I'd pull the plug on the karaoke machine or ko the piano player (depends on who's accompanying them). Then I would pick both hobbits up, chuck them in the piano or bind and gag them with the karaoke machine cord, and then go and quietly have a pint.
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
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