[Kalimac]

Well, since it seems to be the Dark Side's turn on the couch, our dauntless therapist K is now ready for..

K: What's your name, please?

M: I am the Mouth of Sauron.

K: Ah, your name please, not your professional title.

M: I myself have forgotten my name. I am only the Mouth of Sauron.

K: Um, all right. Please, have a seat. No, really, it's OK to sit down. Please don't just stand there and glower like that. Please.

M: [doesn't move]

K: Now, Mr...Sir...Mouth of Sauron, could you tell me a little bit about your childhood?

M: I myself have forgotten my childhood. I have always been the Mouth of Sauron.

K: Oh dear. Ah...do you remember *anything* about your childhood at all?

M: Such things are not worth the memory.

K: [writing] Possible repressed memories...Sir Mouth, I'm thinking that hypnotherapy might actually be the best thing for you. If you'll just sign this release...[Mouth of Sauron smacks a bloodstained handprint onto the release] wonderful. Now just stand very quietly, shut your eyes, and concentrate on a deep, peaceful place. That's it. Deep, deep. You're getting sleepy...sleepy...just relax every muscle in your body and let go.

[Mouth of Sauron looks completely zoned out]

K: All right then. Now...where you were born?

M: I was born...one of the Maia...servant of Melkor, many ages past.

K: But you're human. At least you certainly look it.

M: Are you kidding? You didn't listen to a word this guy said, did you? He said he's the Mouth of Sauron - of Me - and that's what he is. Did you really think you were going to get HIS personality by delving into his soul?

K: Well, that was the idea. To free him at least a little from the grip that you have on his mind.

M: I *am* his mind. Trust me, Miss, this is an ex-human. His soul is long gone to the fiery torments of the Netherworld. Sure, it was here for a while, but I kicked it out for good a few hundred years ago. Spring-cleaning, you know. His soul was always hanging around whimpering, sort of like that Wormtongue fellow that that putz Saruman is saddled with right now.

K: But do you remember what was IN his soul? The hopes, the dreams, the torments, the traumas, the aspirations? Do you remember?

M: Nah, it's gone. Come on, you're lucky it's not here anymore. The guy was a loser, really he was. You wouldn't have wanted to listen to three hours of his childhood, believe me.

K: How can you say that? You don't know anything about his childhood!

M: Actually I do have his memories backed up on tape somewhere. Not here, though. Nothing too remarkable in them.

K: Why did you come here?

M: To get out of Barad-Dur, of course. Do you know what a pain it is, always sitting on top of Barad-Dur in the shape of a flaming eye? I haven't even got an *eyelid* for Melkor's sake. I'm the most powerful force in Middle Earth and I can't even blink. Now *that's* painful. So every now and then I take Mouth here out of cold storage and go for a trip.

K: Yes, but why *here*, to a therapy session?

M [uncomfortable]: Oh, no reason...just curious about the civilization that I'm on the brink of destroying, that's all.

K [softly]: Really? That's all?

M: Really...that's all...[pause, then SOBS] Oh Melkor, oh Eru, I just couldn't take it anymore! I couldn't take it! Please, just leave me alone...let me be a regular Maia...

K [handing him a tissue]: It's OK, it's OK. Just let it all come out...repressed memories are painful things.

M: Oh, oh...

K: Let it out...let it out...

M: Oh, oh...ROSEBUD! ROSEBUD!

[collapses]

K [shaking him]: Wake up! Wake up!

[Mouth of Sauron has obviously departed this vale of tears]

K: Now what was Rosebud?