[Estelyn Telcontar]

The Very Secret Diary of Falafel

Quest Day 52:
Finally - battle rages at the fortress of Gol Dulldor, after it took our company so long to get there. It’s good to see some action; the other equines and I are kicking orc rearsides and loving it. My mistress wields her bow with her usual skill and even the otherwise bumbling heroes are doing great deeds in the fray. That’s not as difficult as it could be, says Tofu, since the leader of the Orcs is using rather unorthodox battle techniques. Well, I know what I know, but I’m not going to let on more than necessary. That particular Orc won’t be hurting my mistress if he can help it!

Day 53:
Fighting continues – where do all those Orcs come from? You never see any females; I wonder if they clone them? They do hold back more noticeably now. Tofu, Pasdedeux, Baklava and I have moved to the edge of the battlefield; the enemies are no danger to us, but we can never be sure when Chrysophylax will get hungry and barbeque some more of them. He doesn’t always aim too carefully. I must say, I’d rather keep a safe distance from those strange, wild trees too – trees that can walk and eat Orcs just aren’t normal!

Day 54:
We are all shattered – Halfullion died last night at midnight! After being overjoyed to see him freed from captivity and fighting valiantly, to see him so cruelly hewn down in the flower of his youth was devastating, especially for Tofu. Granted, he had to go through a lot of effort to make his half-witted half-Elf master look good (for some reason, I keep wanting to call Tofu Jeeves!), but still, they were close after so many adventures together. More fierce fighting by all.

Day 55:
What a day! It’s a good thing we kept away from the tower, what with all that hot oil and poor construction. I was close enough to see my mistress and that Orc captain defeat the great foe – I’m so proud of her! When I saw that Chrysophylax flew in to rescue her and the others, I rounded up the other equine colleagues and we ran for the River at top speed. But how to get across? The dragon came back to get us and quite frankly, I’d almost rather have stayed on that shore. I closed my eyes the whole time we flew over the water, and I sincerely hope I never have to experience a ride like that again! If horses had been meant to fly, they would have been given wings. I could have bitten that half-halfling Pimpiowyn when she asked, “Why can’t we just ride the dragon to our goal instead of taking the long hard way?”

Day 56:
Here we are, heading down the river on a raft again, only this time, we are actually getting somewhere. I do hope that there are no more river pirates around. It’s rather nice to have some relaxing time together with the rest of the group. Not exactly a luxury cruise, but not bad nonetheless. Just looking at Merisuwyniel is a pleasure; she is so obviously happy, though she tries very hard not to show it.

Day 57:
Pasdedeux and Baklava are getting on my nerves, flirting with each other all day. I probably wouldn’t mind so much if I could get Tofu’s attention, but he’s still pining for his master. What’s a war horse to do without a Hero? I tried to comfort him, but he seems to have lost his purpose in life. I wonder what will happen to him.

Day 58:
This trip is sooo boring! Day after day the shoreline passes by, and it’s certainly not interesting enough to keep my attention. No castle ruins high above the river, no picturesque vineyards; this cruise is never going to make the list of must-do sightseeing. Instead there were rapids to make things really uncomfortable. I admit to my shame that I became very seasick, and I wasn’t the only one. We were all glad when we left that stretch of the river behind us.

Day 59:
Finally the local tourist attractions have showed up! We passed between two huge figures flanking the river, and Orogarn Two told us that they are called the Astronauts. Apparently legend says that they came here from a far away planet long ago, bringing their advanced civilization to Muddled Berth. Quite impressive! Later we saw some imposing mountains, called Toll Brandy, Ambush Liquor, and Ambush Eggnog. Or at least that’s what Etceteron called them. The roaring sound we hear now is that of the Falls ahead of us. We will have to go around them, and I’m glad of it. I don’t know if I can even use my four legs anymore, but I hope I never have to get on one of those rafts again.

Day 60:
We have arrived at Park Galore, which is some kind of national park, I guess. It’s pleasant enough, and I’m happy to be able to run around, as are the others. The grass is lovely, although the humans, Elves and whatever hybrids they are think it necessary to make a fire and cook a meal. Oh well, to each his own! Now for a little nap in peace and quiet before someone finds me here…