[Lostgaeriel]

The Lord of the Rings as a TV sketch by Johnny Wayne and Frank Shuster.
This great Canadian comedy team appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show 57 or 58 times (a record, anyway) and had a long running CBC-TV program – alternately named - The Wayne and Shuster (Comedy) Hour/Special. They were famous for their sketches that poked fun at: The Scarlet Pimpernel with The Brown Pumpernickel, Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood, Napoleon, Fu Manchu, etc. Some of their best parodies were of Shakespeare’s plays, notably a baseball skit in verse and their famous take on Julius Caesar - Rinse the Blood off My Toga.
This may be too obscure for most everyone on the Downs. It probably helps if you’re Canadian and over 30 - or 40. But I had to do it for the ‘ear’ joke alone. Of course, I’ve lost some of the very best jokes Johnny and Frank ever did by changing the setting from Rome to Minas Tirith - those Latin jokes were the best. And the ending isn't nearly as strong.
Warning: It’s kinda long. I couldn't figure out what part to post as an excerpt. Forgive me. But Johnny and Frank always went to great lengths in setting up the gags. I think the payoffs are worth it.
Corrections to my Elvish translations would be most appreciated.
Thanks to the transcription of Rinse the Blood Off My Toga by Informal (a member of the Later Latin Society) from the CBS Coronet LP featuring Wayne and Shuster's production of their radio play.

Rinse the Blood off My Elf-Cloak by Wayne and Shuster
Dramatis Personae
Gandalf, a P.I. (original Flavius Maximus role played by Johnny Wayne)
Aragorn, ranger and alleged friend of the deceased (original Brutus role played by Frank Shuster)
Faramir, brother of the deceased (original Calpurnia role made famous by Sylvia Lennick)
Imrahil, prince, orator, friend of the deceased
Beregond, a guard of the Citadel
Targon, a sergeant of a company of the Guard
Arwen, an elf-princess (also originally the Calpurnia role!)

Announcer: "Rinse the Blood Off My Elf-Cloak," by Frank Wayne and John Shuster--with apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh & Philippa Boyens, William Shakespeare (and to Francis Bacon, just in case).
(FX--horn flourish) Minas Tirith! 3019 Third Age.
Gandalf: My name is Mithrandir, Private Istar. Licence number 5. (holds licence up to camera) It also comes in handy as a get-out-of-Middle-Earth-free card. I'm gonna tell ya about the Boromir, son of Denethor caper. It all began during the War of the Ring. I had just nailed Saruman the White; he had a crooked Balrog who kept takin' a dive. Anyhow, I was just beginning to rest on my athelas when, suddenly-- he burst in to my office.
Aragorn: You Gandalf Mithrandir, Private I.?
Gandalf: Private Istar. What can I do for you? What's on your mind?
Aragorn: Just a minute. -- Are we alone?
Gandalf: Yes, we're alone.
Aragorn: Are you sure we're alone?
Gandalf: Yes, yes, I'm sure we're alone!
Aragorn: Then who's that standing beside you?
Gandalf: That's you.
Aragorn: I know, but can I be trusted?
Gandalf: (aside) I could see I was dealing with no ordinary man. This guy was a nut! (to Aragorn) All right, what's on your mind?
Aragorn: Mithrandir, a terrible thing has happened. It's the greatest crime in the history of Minas Tirith.
Gandalf: All right, give it to me straight. What's up?
Aragorn: Boromir, son of Denethor has been murdered!
Gandalf: Boromir, son of Denethor murdered?! (aside) I couldn't believe my ears! Big Bori was dead!
Aragorn: Yes, it happened just a few hours ago. Happened in the Citadel; he was stabbed.
Gandalf: Stabbed? In the Citadel?
Aragorn: No, not in the Citadel. They got him right in the Court of the Fountain.
Gandalf: That's a fatal spot. I had a splinter there once. Those White Tree splinters, you know--
Aragorn: Boy, I tell you, all of Gondor is in an uproar. I came to you because you’re the top Private I. in Middle Earth. You've got to find the killer.
Gandalf: (aside) Hasn’t he got ears? It’s Private Istar - Istar. Well, I'll try.
Aragorn: Oh, you can do it. After all, you're the guy that got Wormtongue and sent him up on the Théoden elder abuse rap--
Gandalf: Yes, the whole kingdom of Rohan was sure in an uproar about that, huh? Aina Elbereth!
Aragorn: Now look, what do you say, Mithrandir? Will you take the case?
Gandalf: Just a minute, pally. I'd like to know - just whom I am working for?
Aragorn: I'm a Ranger. I was Boromir’s best friend. The name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, chieftain of the Dúnedain of Arnor, Captain of the Host of the West, bearer of the Star of the North, wielder of the Sword Reforged, victorious in battle, whose hands bring healing, the Elfstone, Elessar of the line of Valandil, Isildur’s son, Elendil’s son of Númenor.
Gandalf: (aside) What a handle! (to Aragorn) Aragorn, eh? All right, Aragorn, you got yourself a boy. I'll take the case. My fee is 125 silver pennies a day, in advance, of course.
Aragorn: Okay, here you are!
(FX---sound of coins tinkling)
Gandalf: You're one short.
(FX--one more coin)
Aragorn: Hey, you got a good ear.
Gandalf: When it comes to money--perfect pitch.
Aragorn: Let's go, eh?
Gandalf: I'm ready. (aside) We went outside--flagged a passing wain and made our way up Rath Vána. The streets were crowded with the usual people -- Guards, healers, Rangers, Rohirrim, sons of Elrond, and little Pheriannath who came out of doorways to sell you postcards from the Shire. Before long we found ourselves at the Citadel.
Aragorn: Mithrandir, this is where it happened. This is where Big Bori got murdered.
Gandalf: Yeah, well, where is the firnadan?
Aragorn: The what?
Gandalf: The firnadan, firnadan. Whassa matter, don't you understand plain Elvish when you hear it?
Aragorn: Oh, the stiff!
Gandalf: Yeah, yeah.
Aragorn: He's lying right over there.
Gandalf: Would you look at that. Seven daggers in him.
Aragorn: Yeah, what do you think?
Gandalf: I think that if he were alive today, he'd be a pretty sick boy. He's really fixed for blades, eh?
Aragorn: Oh, come on Mithrandir, you gotta solve this crime.
Gandalf: All right, all right. Who are those fellas over there?
Aragorn: They were all here when it happened. That's Gimli, Pippin, Merry, and there's Legolas.
Gandalf: Who's that guy over there with the lean and hungry look on his kisser?
Aragorn: That’s Slinker a.k.a. Stinker a.k.a. Gollum a.ka. Sméagol.
Gandalf: Yeah? … Hey! What’s he doing here? He’s not supposed to be in Minas Tirith! (aside) But then, neither was Boromir. And what had happened to Frodo and Sam? Were they in on this hit? I could see I had more than one mystery to solve. But I knew enough to work on the case that had a client – one who had coin. (to Aragorn) Who do you think is the likeliest suspect?
Aragorn: That fella next to him.
Gandalf: Wait a minute--- that's you!
Aragorn: I know, but how do you know I can be trusted?
Gandalf: (aside) I could see that I was dealing with no ordinary case. This was a mental case. (to Aragorn) Wait a minute, who's that guy?
Aragorn: That's Faramir, Boromir’s brother.
Gandalf: Yeah, well, he’s a suspect, too. Wait a minute. Pardon me, Lord Faramir —
Faramir: Yes?
Gandalf: Mithrandir, Private Istar. I'd like to ask you a few questions. What do you know about this?
Faramir: I told him, ‘Bori, don't go’. ‘Don't go Bori’, I said. ‘Don't go, it's the Ring of Doom--’
Gandalf: Now look, Lord Faramir, I'd--
Faramir: If I told him once, I'd told him a thousand times, ‘Bori, don't go--’
Gandalf: Please, don't upset yourself.
Faramir: ‘Bori, don't go,’ I said. ‘It's the Ring of Doom. Beware already.’
Gandalf: Guard of the Citadel, would you take the Lord Faramir to the Houses of Healing, please?
Beregond: Come along, sir. Come along.
Faramir: (fading away) I told him, ‘Bori don't go, don't go--’
(exeunt Faramir, Beregond)
Gandalf: (aside) I don't blame him for going. (to the Fellowship) All right - you members of the Fellowship, you can go, too. But don't leave town.
Aragorn: Well, what do you think?
Gandalf: I don't know. There's not an angle anywhere. Not a clue.
Aragorn: Cheer up, Mithrandir. After all, Minas Tirith wasn't built in a day.
Gandalf: Hey, what was that? What did you just say?
Aragorn: I said, ‘Minas Tirith wasn't built in a day’.
Gandalf: Hey, that's very good. ‘Minas Tirith wasn't built in a day.’ That's pretty good.
Aragorn: You like it?
Gandalf: Yeah, I like it.
Aragorn: It's yours.
Gandalf: Thanks. Well, let's reconstruct the crime: Boromir was over here, and -- What's the matter?
Aragorn: Look over there, behind that pillar. Sshh! There's somebody behind that pillar; I'll go get him---
Gandalf: Right!
Aragorn: All right buddy!
Imrahil: Ai! Ai! Ai! -- Stop it! Stop it!
Gandalf: All right, buster, what are you doing around here?
Imrahil: Well, what do you expect me to be doing? Why shouldn't I be here? I'm Prince Imrahil.
Gandalf: Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth?
Imrahil: Yes. I just made a speech over the body of Boromir. I said, ‘Elves, Hobbits, countrymen, lend me your ears!’
Gandalf: Yeah? What have you got in that sack?
Imrahil: Ears!
Gandalf: Will you get out of here?!
Imrahil: Wait a minute. Don't you want to know who bumped off Boromir, son of Denethor?
Gandalf: Yeah. Do you know who did it? Out with it. What's his name?
Imrahil: (in pain) Ooh, oo-ee-ooo-aaah-oo-ee-oo-ah-ee-oo-ee-ooo-aaah-
Gandalf: That's a funny name. Must be Old Entish.
Aragorn: Look, he's dead.
Gandalf: (aside) What a confusing case. All I got is two dead bodies and a sack full of pointy latex prosthetic ears.
Aragorn: Now, look, Mithrandir, I'm paying you a 110 silver pennies a day—
Gandalf: 125 silver pennies!
Aragorn: All right, you've got a good ear ---
Gandalf: I've got a sack full of good ears!
Aragorn: Now, look, let's have some action, huh?
Gandalf: All right, all right. Don't get your banner in a knot. Listen, I got a pal -Targon. He runs the storehouse and buttery on Rath Tári. He should have a few answers for me.
Aragorn: That's the idea. Get out among the people. Ask questions. After all, when in Minas Tirith, do as the Minas Tiritheans do!
Gandalf: Hey, hey-- what was that one?
Aragorn: I said, ‘When in Minas Tirith, do as the Minas Tiritheans do’.
Gandalf: Oh, that's good. ‘When in Minas Tirith, do as the Minas Tiritheans do’-- very good.
Aragorn: Do you like it?
Gandalf: Yeah.
Aragorn: It's yours.
(exit Aragorn)
Gandalf: Thanks! (aside) The Citadel Guard Storehouse and Buttery is a hangout where I get all the answers. It's just a small place with a few tables and a guy in the corner playing a cool Dale-made flute.
Targon: Hiya, Gandalf.
Gandalf: Hi, Targ. What's new?
Targon: Nothin' much. What'll ya have?
Gandalf: Give me an Old Winyard.
Targon: Don't you mean Old Winyards?
Gandalf: If I wanted two, I’d say so. By the way, could I have a bite to eat?
Targon: Sure thing. What'll ya have?
Gandalf: I could do with some taters.
Targon: Don't you mean po-ta-toes?
Gandalf: If I wanted a lesson in proper Westron, I'd ask for it.
Targon: Here's your Old Winyard and your taters, Gandi.
Gandalf: Let's get back to the business at hand. I'm working on this Boromir, son of Denethor kill; do you know of anything?
Targon: Try that guy over there.
Gandalf: Yeah?
Targon: Yeah.
Gandalf: All right, brother, start talking--
Faramir: I told him, ‘Bori, don't go. Don't go Bori--’
Gandalf: (to Faramir) All right, out, out!
(exit Faramir)
Targon: Hey, look, Mithrandir, I think I know the guy you're looking for.
Gandalf: You mean, Mr. Big?
Targon: Yeah. His name is—(in pain) Ooee--oooo--ee--ah--
Gandalf: Now that's an interesting name. Got a minstrel handy? I'd like to get this down. Targon? Targon! (aside) I'd never get any more information out of him; he was dead! This was shaping up bigger than I thought. Suddenly, I looked up and there was Aragorn.
Aragorn: Hello, Mithrandir.
Gandalf: Aragorn, what are you doing here?
Aragorn: I was looking for you. Hey, who's that on the floor?
Gandalf: That's Targon, the sergeant.
Aragorn: Hey, that's a funny place to carry a knife -- in his back!
Gandalf: He's dead. He was stabbed -- through the hatch.
Aragorn: Hey, that's even more painful than the Court of the Fountain. Hey, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Boromir, son of Denethor?
Gandalf: (aside) I started to think, and slowly the pieces fell into place. Aragorn was the only man around when all those guys got killed. Boromir, Imrahil, Targon. Aragorn was always there. It was all pointing to him. But what was his motive? And then I suddenly understood why Gollum was here. He was still following the Ring! It was time to make my move.
Aragorn: Well, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Boromir, son of Denethor?
Gandalf: Only one guy could have done it.
Aragorn: Yeah, who?
Gandalf: Let's not play games, Aragorn, or should I say---Mr. Big!
Aragorn: What are you getting at?
Gandalf: If the boot fits, wear it. You knocked off Big Bori. He took the Ring from Frodo and you took it from him.
Aragorn: You're out of your head! I hired you to find the killer.
Gandalf: Pretty smart, but not nearly smart enough. Now, are you gonna talk? Or do I have to call in a couple of Guards to lean on ya?
Aragorn: All right, flatfoot, I admit it. I knocked off Big Bori for the Ring, an' I'd do it again.
Gandalf: That's all I wanted to know. I'm sending you up the Anduin for a long stretch. Come on, I'll call a wain, and we'll go downtown.
Aragorn: Don't move unless you want the Sword that was Broken in the robe. I'm getting out of here, and don't try to stop me!
(exit Aragorn)
Gandalf: (aside) He had the drop on me, but I knew where he was heading--the scene of the crime: the Citadel. Twenty seconds later, I pulled up on my horse, Shadowfax. Hey, he’s a fast horse! (to Beregond) Guard, hand me that Palantír.
Beregond: Here you are, Mithrandir.
Gandalf: All right, Aragorn, this is Mithrandir. I know you're in there, come on out.
Aragorn: Come and get me, you dirty rotten flatfoot!
Gandalf: You haven't got a chance, Aragorn. I got the Citadel surrounded by a stake-out. Now, throw your Sword down, roll the Ring out, and come out with your hands up.
Aragorn: If you want me, come and claim me!
Gandalf: Get smart, Aragorn, we can smoke you out. We'll throw in Longbottom Leaf, Southlinch, Old Toby and Southern Star. We'll throw in firecrackers and squibs, crackers, backarappers, sparklers, torches, dwarf-candles, elf-fountains, goblin-barkers and thunder-claps.
Aragorn: I don't care what you do!
Gandalf: All right, you asked for it. (to Beregond) Give it to him, Beregond. (to Aragorn) All right Aragorn, I'll fill you fulla arrows.
Aragorn: All right, you got me! (aside) Grey Fool! Stormcrow! …Wizard! (to Gandalf) But I'll be back.
Gandalf: Oh no you won't.
Aragorn: I'll be back. (aside) There are two more movies after Boromir 'sleeps with the fishes'. (to Gandalf) Just remember one thing - all roads lead to Minas Tirith.
Beregond: Come on you; let's go.
Gandalf: No, no, wait a minute--wait. Bring him back.
Aragorn: What? --- What?
Gandalf: That was a dandy! ‘All roads lead to Minas Tirith.’ That's the best.
Aragorn: Do you like it?
Gandalf: Yes--
Aragorn: Well, you can't have it! (spits)
Gandalf: Oh, get outta here!
(exeunt Aragorn, Beregond)
Host of the West: All Hail Mithrandir! All Minas Tirith salutes you. Hail Mithrandir!
Gandalf: Take him, boys. And now I got a date with a doll. Okay, Evenstar, baby. Now are you sure your fiancé won't object?
Arwen: Well, frankly, I don't care. If I told him once, I told him a thousand times, ‘Don't go, Ari!’ I said, ‘It's the Ring of Doom; beware already. Don't go, Ari, don't go---’ (fade out)
(exeunt Gandalf, Arwen)
(FX---horn flourish)
The End

[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: Lostgaeriel ]

[ May 19, 2002: Message edited by: Lostgaeriel ]