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Nar · 05-08-2002, 11:54 PM

Sackville-Baggins (if Shakespeare had written it)

Dramatis Personae

Sackville-Baggins
Lady Sackville-Baggins

The three weird elves

Batchelor-Emiretus Bilbo of Bag End
Frodo, his heir

Act I, Scene 1: A barren heath. Sounds of triumphal looting and pillage are heard in the distance:
Glugging of ale, bad yet vigorous singing-- typical late-stage birthday party.
Enter three weird elves.
1 Elf When shall we elves meet again? In battle, banquet, or perchance second breakfast?
2 Elf You are really a hobbit!!
1 Elf I'm not! I'm an elf! Well, there may be a little Fallohide on my mother's side...
3 Elf To the point! Meetings! (evilly) When their corner-filling's done.
When the battle's lost and won.
2 Elf That will be ere the set of the sun.
1 Elf Where the place?
2 Elf Upon the heath.
All: There to meet with S-Baggins!
Fair is foul, and foul is fair:
Hover through the fog and filthy air. (all run around in circles waving their arms)

Scene 2: The birthday-party, near the remaining casks of Ale
Frodo: This is the man, who like a good and hardy soldier, fought
'gainst my choking on that piece of cake. (indicates Sackville-Baggins)
Sackville-Baggins: (modestly) I call it the Sackville Maneuver. Here, let me demonstrate--
Bilbo: (hastily) NO! Hands! Off waist! Off! (Pushes Otho away)
'Tis quite all right, we'll take your word for it.
Frodo: Doubtful it stood, whether my spent lungs could expell yon lumpen cake,
when brave Otho (well he deserves that name)
Disdaining fortune, with his brandished fists,
like Valour's minion carved my passage!
Bilbo: O valiant cousin! Worthy gentleman!

Scene 3: The heath, sunset. Enter the three weird elves
All: The Weird Elves, hand in hand,
Grifters of the sea and land.
Thrice to thine, and thrice to mine,
And three rings we lifted at Harborside,
Then back again, to the Shire fine!
No way we take ship to the Boringest Lands!
(They wave Nenya, Vilya, and that other ring in the air)
1 Elf: But hist! Here comes the Sackville-Baggins!
(Sackville-Baggins comes nigh, sneezing into a large camberic hankerchief, as it is allergy season on the heath)

Sackville-Baggins: Spoons! Commemorative Spoons! Not even a full set--
I saw Bilbo putting aside the diamond jubilee double-sided grapefruit spoon
with her graciousness Queen Arwen molded on the handle in bas-relief!
Why, the collection is worthless without it!
(thoughtfully) So foul and fair a birthday-party I have not seen.
(notices the three; starts theatrically) Elves! Weird ones! Speak, if you can!
Mean you foul, or mean you fair? Say, would you like to purchase a lovely set of silver spoons?
3 Elf: All hail, Sackville-Baggins!
Hail to thee, Guardian of the silver spoons, albeit virtually worthless
without the silver jubilee yadda yadda Queen Arwen!
(Sackville-Baggins sadly stashes the oaken case of spoons back under his cloak)
2 Elf: All hail, Sackville-Baggins!
Hail to thee, formerly heir-presumptive of Bag End!
Sackville-Baggins: (Grumpily) I had not heard elves were so evil-spoken.
1 Elf: All hail, Sackville-Baggins, that shall live, as who should say,
A Bachelor-Emiretus in Bag-End forever!
Sackville-Baggins: What? And rid me of Lobelia? When! How?!
All: Away! Away! Away! (they begin to slink away)
Sackville-Baggins: Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more:
By Frodo's life I know I have the spoons,
By Bilbo's deed I know I am the former Baggins-presumptive of Bag-End.
(Aside: Sackville! Ackk! Lobelia!!! Who ever heard of a Hobbit with hyphens!)
But how a Bachelor-Emiretus? And how in Bag-End? And how forever?
All: (dancing in a circle) We have Rings of Three, but Ring of One there be,
Destroyed? We think not! Gollum's well known
Cliff climbing talent militates against it!
Hasty, hasty Hobbits not to check!
Clever, clever Otho here to quest!
All this can be! Fled to west, Bilbo could be,
Good heir Frodo seeks him at sea!
Lobelia, fading wraith of Hobbitry,
New-founded Queen of the Nazgul!
Otho, Otho, Otho of Bag End
Otho Baggins, Bachelor of Bag End!
Here, take it!
(1 Elf hands him the One Ring, which he has had concealed in his waistcoat pocket)
Sackville-Baggins: (staring from ring in his hand to 1 Elf and back again)
Don't you want it?
1 Elf: I already have Galadriel's ring. This one had begun to gall me.
(dramatic pause) Precioussss.
(looks blissfully at the gleaming white ring of the water fountains on his hand)
2 Elf: I knew you were really a hobbit!!!
Sackville-Baggins: (starting theatrically, clutching the One Ring to chest)
Can it be?
1 Elf: Yes, it is I, Gollum-Smeagol. Smeagol the magnificent!
King Smeagol, taker of fissh! With my ring of sparkling water,
I command the silver-slipping fissh from the brown-dappled brook.
Straight into Smeagol's clever fingers they come leaping!
Nice Fissh! Fisssh now; Fisssshhh every day, and keep nasssty taters!
Ha ha hahahaha! (darts off in the general direction of the Brandywine)

05-08-2002, 11:54 PM	#98
Nar Wight Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 228	Sackville-Baggins (if Shakespeare had written it) Dramatis Personae Sackville-Baggins Lady Sackville-Baggins The three weird elves Batchelor-Emiretus Bilbo of Bag End Frodo, his heir Act I, Scene 1: A barren heath. Sounds of triumphal looting and pillage are heard in the distance: Glugging of ale, bad yet vigorous singing-- typical late-stage birthday party. Enter three weird elves. 1 Elf When shall we elves meet again? In battle, banquet, or perchance second breakfast? 2 Elf You are really a hobbit!! 1 Elf I'm not! I'm an elf! Well, there may be a little Fallohide on my mother's side... 3 Elf To the point! Meetings! (evilly) When their corner-filling's done. When the battle's lost and won. 2 Elf That will be ere the set of the sun. 1 Elf Where the place? 2 Elf Upon the heath. All: There to meet with S-Baggins! Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air. (all run around in circles waving their arms) Scene 2: The birthday-party, near the remaining casks of Ale Frodo: This is the man, who like a good and hardy soldier, fought 'gainst my choking on that piece of cake. (indicates Sackville-Baggins) Sackville-Baggins: (modestly) I call it the Sackville Maneuver. Here, let me demonstrate-- Bilbo: (hastily) NO! Hands! Off waist! Off! (Pushes Otho away) 'Tis quite all right, we'll take your word for it. Frodo: Doubtful it stood, whether my spent lungs could expell yon lumpen cake, when brave Otho (well he deserves that name) Disdaining fortune, with his brandished fists, like Valour's minion carved my passage! Bilbo: O valiant cousin! Worthy gentleman! Scene 3: The heath, sunset. Enter the three weird elves All: The Weird Elves, hand in hand, Grifters of the sea and land. Thrice to thine, and thrice to mine, And three rings we lifted at Harborside, Then back again, to the Shire fine! No way we take ship to the Boringest Lands! (They wave Nenya, Vilya, and that other ring in the air) 1 Elf: But hist! Here comes the Sackville-Baggins! (Sackville-Baggins comes nigh, sneezing into a large camberic hankerchief, as it is allergy season on the heath) Sackville-Baggins: Spoons! Commemorative Spoons! Not even a full set-- I saw Bilbo putting aside the diamond jubilee double-sided grapefruit spoon with her graciousness Queen Arwen molded on the handle in bas-relief! Why, the collection is worthless without it! (thoughtfully) So foul and fair a birthday-party I have not seen. (notices the three; starts theatrically) Elves! Weird ones! Speak, if you can! Mean you foul, or mean you fair? Say, would you like to purchase a lovely set of silver spoons? 3 Elf: All hail, Sackville-Baggins! Hail to thee, Guardian of the silver spoons, albeit virtually worthless without the silver jubilee yadda yadda Queen Arwen! (Sackville-Baggins sadly stashes the oaken case of spoons back under his cloak) 2 Elf: All hail, Sackville-Baggins! Hail to thee, formerly heir-presumptive of Bag End! Sackville-Baggins: (Grumpily) I had not heard elves were so evil-spoken. 1 Elf: All hail, Sackville-Baggins, that shall live, as who should say, A Bachelor-Emiretus in Bag-End forever! Sackville-Baggins: What? And rid me of Lobelia? When! How?! All: Away! Away! Away! (they begin to slink away) Sackville-Baggins: Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more: By Frodo's life I know I have the spoons, By Bilbo's deed I know I am the former Baggins-presumptive of Bag-End. (Aside: Sackville! Ackk! Lobelia!!! Who ever heard of a Hobbit with hyphens!) But how a Bachelor-Emiretus? And how in Bag-End? And how forever? All: (dancing in a circle) We have Rings of Three, but Ring of One there be, Destroyed? We think not! Gollum's well known Cliff climbing talent militates against it! Hasty, hasty Hobbits not to check! Clever, clever Otho here to quest! All this can be! Fled to west, Bilbo could be, Good heir Frodo seeks him at sea! Lobelia, fading wraith of Hobbitry, New-founded Queen of the Nazgul! Otho, Otho, Otho of Bag End Otho Baggins, Bachelor of Bag End! Here, take it! (1 Elf hands him the One Ring, which he has had concealed in his waistcoat pocket) Sackville-Baggins: (staring from ring in his hand to 1 Elf and back again) Don't you want it? 1 Elf: I already have Galadriel's ring. This one had begun to gall me. (dramatic pause) Precioussss. (looks blissfully at the gleaming white ring of the water fountains on his hand) 2 Elf: I knew you were really a hobbit!!! Sackville-Baggins: (starting theatrically, clutching the One Ring to chest) Can it be? 1 Elf: Yes, it is I, Gollum-Smeagol. Smeagol the magnificent! King Smeagol, taker of fissh! With my ring of sparkling water, I command the silver-slipping fissh from the brown-dappled brook. Straight into Smeagol's clever fingers they come leaping! Nice Fissh! Fisssh now; Fisssshhh every day, and keep nasssty taters! Ha ha hahahaha! (darts off in the general direction of the Brandywine)