[Lostgaeriel]

Another version of The Lord of the Rings written as a radio play by Douglas Adams:

SAM: It’s no good, the Warg missiles are swinging round after us and gaining fast. We are quite definitely going to die.
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: Impact minus five seconds.
BOROMIR: Why doesn’t anyone turn on this One Ring Improbability Drive thing?
ARAGORN: Don’t be silly, you can’t do that.
BOROMIR: Why not? There’s nothing to lose at this stage.
ARAGORN: Does anyone know why Boromir can’t turn on the One Ring Improbability Drive?
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: Impact minus one second, it’s been great knowing you guys, Eru bless.
ARAGORN: I said does anyone know…
F/X: TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION, WHICH FAIRLY QUICKLY TRANSFORMS ITSELF INTO A LITTLE DRIBBLE OF FAIRLY LIGHT FILM MUSIC AND DIES AWAY
GANDALF: What the Udûn happened?
BOROMIR: Well, I was just saying, there’s this Ring, uh, switch here you see and…
GANDALF: Where are we Aragorn?
ARAGORN: Exactly where we were I think.
GANDALF: Then what’s happened to the Warg missiles?
GIMLI: Er, well according to this screen they’ve just turned into a bowl of elanor and a very surprised looking Balrog.
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: At an improbability factor of eight million, seven hundred and sixty seven thousand, one hundred and twenty eight to one against.
GANDALF: Did you think of that Man of Gondor?
BOROMIR: Well, all I did was…
GANDALF: That’s very good thinking, you know that? You just saved our lives.
BOROMIR: Oh it was nothing, really.
GANDALF: Oh was it? Well, forget it. OK Computer, take us in to land.
F/X: CHANGE OF NOTE IN ROCKET DRIVE
BOROMIR: Well, I say it was nothing…I mean obviously it was something, I was just trying to say it’s not worth making too much of a fuss about…I mean just saving everybody’s life…
GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND
NARRATOR: Another thing that no one made too much fuss about was the fact that against all probability, a Balrog had suddenly been called into existence some miles above the Misty Mountains. And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a Balrog, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a Balrog before it had to come to terms with suddenly not being a Balrog anymore. This is what it thought as it fell.
F/X: POP AS OF BALROG SUDDENLY COMING INTO EXISTENCE SOME MILES ABOVE THE MISTY MOUNTAINS. INCREASING WIND
Ah! What’s happening? Er, excuse me, who am I? Hello? Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Calm down, get a grip now. Oh, this is an interesting sensation…what is it? It’s a sort of yawning tingling sensation in my…my…well I suppose I’d better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let’s call it my stomach. So…a yawning tingling sensation in my stomach. Good. Ooooh, it’s getting quite strong. And hey, what about this whistling roaring sound going past what I’m suddenly going to call my head? Head, that sounds good, yeah, head, good solid ring to it…and the whistling roaring sound, that can be wind…is that a good name? It’ll do…perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I’ve found out what it’s for, because there certainly seems to be an Udûn of a lot of it. Hey, what are these things, these…let’s call them wings…yeah, wings, hey I can really thrash them about pretty good can’t I? Wow. Wow. Hey. Don’t seem to achieve much but I’ll probably find out what they’re for later on. Now—have I built up any coherent picture of things yet? No. Oh. Hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I’m quite dizzy with anticipation…or is it the wind? Hey, there really is a lot of that now isn’t there? And wow, what’s this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast…so big and flat and wide it needs a big wide sounding word…like round…round…ground! That’s it, ground! I wonder if it will be friends with me?
F/X: SOUND OF BALROG HITTING THE GROUND AT SEVERAL HUNDRED MILES PER HOUR
(Pause)
GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND
Curiously enough the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of elanor as it fell was ‘Oh no, not again’. Many people have speculated if we knew exactly why the bowl of elanor had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.
Meanwhile, the Fellow-ship, ‘Ring of Gold’ has landed on the surface of Middle-earth—at the Sirannon, and Sam is about to make one of the most important statements of his life. Its importance is not immediately recognised by his companions.
SAM: Hey, my pony has escaped.
GANDALF: Nuts to your pony.
NARRATOR: It is possible that Sam’s observation would have commanded greater attention had it been generally realized that the free peoples were only the third most intelligent life forms in Middle-earth instead of as was generally thought by most independent observers, the second.
GANDALF: (Very efficiently) OK, run atmospheric checks on the Mines of Moria.
F/X FLURRY OF VERY FAST COMPUTER VOICES RINGING AROUND THE SHIP IN WONDERFUL STEREO, REELING OFF MOSTLY LISTS OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE NUMBERS: A FEW RECOGNISABLE WORDS LIKE ATMOSPHERIC COMPOSITION, OXYGEN, NITROGEN, CARBON DIOXIDE, ORC BREATH, GOBLIN GAS, TROLL TOXINS, ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE, GRAVITATIONAL ANOMALIES, ETC.
(Meanwhile the others continue talking)
ARAGORN: Are we taking this hobbit-robot?
FRODO: (Dejectedly) Don’t feel you have to take any notice of me please.
GANDALF: Oh, Frodo the Paranoid Ringbearer, yeah, we’ll take him.
BOROMIR: What are you supposed to do with a manically depressed hobbot?
FRODO: You think you’ve got problems. What are you supposed to do if you are a manically depressed hobbot? No, don’t try and answer that, I’m fifty thousand times more intelligent than you and even I don’t know the answer. It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level.
F/X ALL THE COMPUTER VOICES SUDDENLY STOP TOGETHER
GANDALF: Well? What’s the result?
VOICES: (All together) It’s OK but it smells a bit.
GANDALF: OK everybody, let’s go.
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: (His voice has undergone a radical change and now sounds like a prep school matron) Good afternoon boys.
SAM: What’s that?
GANDALF: Oh. That’s the computer. I discovered it had an emergency back-up personality which I thought might be marginally preferable.
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: Now, this is going to be your first day in the Mines of Moria, so I want you all wrapped up snug and warm and no playing with any naughty bug-eyed goblins.
GIMLI: I think we’d be better off with a slide rule.
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: Right, who said that?
GANDALF: Will you open up the exit hatch please, computer?
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: Not until whoever said that owns up.
ARAGORN: Oh Ilúvatar.
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: Come on.
GANDALF: Computer…
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: I’m waiting. I can wait all day if necessary.
GIMLI: Computer, if you don’t open that exit hatch this moment I shall go straight to your major data banks with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you’ll never forget, is that clear?
(Pause)
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: I can see this relationship is something we’re all going to have to work at.
F/X EXIT HATCH OPENS. FAINT SOUND OF WIND
GANDALF: Thank you, let’s go.
F/X: THEY EXIT
LEGOLAS the SHIPBOARD COMPUTER: It’ll all end in tears, I know it.
F/X: HATCH CLOSES LEAVING TOTAL SILENCE. WIND
GRAMS: PINK FLOYD ‘SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND’ INTRO. FROM THE ALBUM ‘WISH YOU WERE HERE’
(They all have to shout into the wind)
SAM: It’s fantastic!
ARAGORN: Desolate hole if you ask me.
PIPPIN: It’s bloody cold. It all looks so stark and dreary.
SAM: I think it’s absolutely fantastic!…It’s only just getting through to me…a whole alien country, hundreds of miles from home. Pity it’s such a dump though. Where’s Gandalf?
GANDALF: (Calling from a distance) Hey! Just beyond this lake you can see the remains of the ancient city of Khazad-dûm.
ARAGORN: What does it look like?
GANDALF: Bit of a dump. Come on over. Oh and watch out for all the bits of Balrog-meat.
GRAMS: THEY ARE ALL WALKING OFF AND THEIR VOICES FADE, WITH THE MUSIC
SAM: Do you realize that hobbot can hum like Pink Floyd? What else can you do Frodo?
FRODO: Rock and roll?
F/X & GRAMS: AS THEY FADE INTO THE DISTANCE THE PINK FLOYD MUSIC CHANGES ABRUPTLY INTO ‘ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC’ BY THE FAB FOUR WITH JUST A SLIGHT ELECTRONIC DISTORT AND ECHO TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THE HOBBOT IS IN FACT SINGING IT
SAM: I wish I knew where my pony was.
GANDALF: (Approaching) OK, I’ve found a way in.
PIPPIN: In? In what?
GANDALF: Down to the interior of the mountains – that’s where we have to go. Where no Dwarf has trod these twenty-five years, into the very depths of time itself…
PIPPIN: You mean the shallows of time, don’t you?
GRAMS: THEME MUSIC FROM 2001 (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA) HAS BEEN BUILDING UP UNDER THIS AND NOW REACHES A CLIMAX
GANDALF: Can it, Frodo.
GRAMS: 2001 THEME STOPS ABRUPTLY
PIPPIN: Why underground?
GANDALF: Well according to the legends the Dwarves lived most of their lives underground.
MERRY: Why, did the surface become too polluted or overpopulated?
GANDALF: No, I think they just didn’t like it very much.
BOROMIR: Gandalf, are you sure you know what you’re doing? We’ve been attacked three times already you know.
GANDALF: Look, I promise you, the live population of this region is nil plus the seven of us.
SAM: And one pony.
GANDALF: And one pony if you insist.
ARAGORN: Come on, let’s go if we’re going.
GANDALF: Er, hey, Halfling …
SAM: Samwise.
GANDALF: Could you sort of keep the hobbot with you and guard this end of the passageway, OK?
SAM: Guard, what from? You just said there’s no one here.
GANDALF: Yeah, well just for safety OK?
SAM: Whose? Yours or mine?
GANDALF: Good lad. OK, here we go.
MERRY: Any idea what these strange symbols on the West Gate are, Gandalf?
GANDALF: I think they’re probably just strange symbols of some kind.
F/X: THEY SET OFF AGAIN. THE SOUND PICTURE STAYS WITH THEM SO THAT SAM’S LINE AND FRODO’S LINE SOUND SLIGHTLY FURTHER AWAY THIS TIME
SAM: Well I hope you all have a really miserable time.
FRODO: Don’t worry, they will.
F/X: DROP THE WIND SOUND AS THEY ENTER TUNNEL. SLIGHTLY EERIE BUT TINKLY MUSIC IN BACKGROUND…HEAVY SUBWAY ECHO
PIPPIN: This is really spooky.
MERRY: Look at all these galleries of bones, broken swords and axe-heads, cloven shields and helms just lying about…does anyone know what happened to this place in the end? Why did Balin’s folk die out?
GANDALF: Something to do I suppose.
SAM: Shine the torch over here.
GANDALF: Where, here?
SAM: Well, we aren’t the first beings to go down this corridor in twenty five years then.
GANDALF: What do you mean?
SAM: Look, fresh pony droppings.
GANDALF: Oh, your bloody pony.

[ October 18, 2002: Message edited by: Lostgaeriel ]

[ October 18, 2002: Message edited by: Lostgaeriel ]