[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Thanks for that glimpse of a more cynical and hard-bitten Frodo, Underhill. It now remains to be seen only how JRRT would have handled sardonic detective fiction.

Earlier on, a Middle-earth version of Blackadder was mooted. It is now possible through the magic of satire to reveal what Messrs. Curtis and Elton would have made of the great War of the Ring.

Bagadder Goes Forth Episode I, by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton. Adapted for Tolkien-vision by The Squatter of Amon Rûdh, with apologies to all parties.

SCENE ONE: BAG END

A comfortably appointed dug-out in the middle of Hobbiton. There is a general atmosphere of pipe-weed. It contains table, chair, settee, Captain Bagadder and Private Samwise Baldrick.

Bagadder is reading, but there is a tiny annoying scratching sound. He shifts slightly, trying to ignore it but finally can't.

Bagadder
Samwise, what are you doing out there?

Baldrick
I'm carving something on this Orc-arrow, sir.

That's the scratching noise

Bagadder
What are you carving?

Baldrick
I'm carving 'Samwise', sir.

Bagadder
Why?

Baldrick
It's a cunning plan, actually.

Bagadder
Of course it is.

Baldrick
You know they say that somewhere there's an arrow with your name on it?

Bagadder
Yes.

Baldrick
Well, I thought if I owned the arrow with my name on it, then I'd never get hit by it. 'Cause I won't ever shoot myself.

Bagadder
Shame.

Baldrick
And the chances of there being two arrows with my name on them are very small indeed.

Bagadder
Yes, that's not he only thing round here that's very small indeed. Your brain, for example, is so minute, Samwise, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.

Lieutenant Peregrin Took enters, with a strange parcel and a wood-cut. He is a very enthusiastic, bright-eyed and bubble-headed young officer.

Pippin
Tally-ho, pip, pip and Bernard's your uncle.

Bagadder
In Westron we say 'Good morning'.

Pippin
(Excited) Look what I've got for you, sir!

Bagadder
What?

Samwise goes back outside into the garden

Pippin
The latest issue of Thain and Shire. Damn' inspiring stuff. "The magazine that tells the Hobbits the truth about the war."

Bagadder
Or, alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of non-violence were included in the Mordorian national anthem.

Pippin
Come, come, sir, you can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.

Bagadder
Certainly not. I just feel that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper.

Pippin
Not with you at all, sir. What could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag?

Bagadder
Apart from his bottom?

Pippin
Yes.

Bagadder
Well, look at it. This stuff's about as convincing as Morgoth Bauglir's defence lawyer! The Shire Hobbits are all portrayed as four foot six with biceps the size of Bree.

Pippin
Exactly - thoroughly inspiring stuff. Oh, and look, sir, this also arrived for you this morning.

Pippin holds out a short sword wrapped in a brown paper bag. Bagadder unwraps it and handles it thoughtfully

Bagadder
Do you know what this is, Lieutenant?

Pippin
Why, it's a good old barrow-blade.

Bagadder
Wrong - it's a brand new barrow-blade, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Sam's rabbit stew.

Pippin
That's funny: we didn't ask for those new trench-climbing ladders either.

Bagadder
New ladders?

Pippin
Yes, sir. Came yesterday. I issued them to the Hobbits and they were absolutely thrilled.

He shouts out into the garden

Isn't that right, hobbits?

Pt. S. Baldrick appears at the window, suspiciously quickly

Baldrick
Yes, sir. First solid fuel we've had since we burned the cat, sir.

Bagadder goes out into the garden, followed by Pippin

Bagadder
Mmm - something's going on, and I think I can make an educated guess what it is - something which you, Pippin, would find hard to do.

Pippin
True. When I was at school, education could go hang as long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud and take a hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.

Bagadder
Yes. I, on the other hand, am a fully rounded Elf-friend, with a degree from the University of Life, a diploma from the school of hard knocks and three gold stars from the kindergarten of getting the stuffing kicked out of me. And my instincts lead me to believe that we are at last about to go over the top.

Pippin
Great Scott, sir! You don't mean that the moment's finally arrived to give Harry Uruk a darn good Tookland-style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?

Bagadder
If you mean 'Are we all going to get killed?', yes. Clearly Field Marshal Gandalf is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his tobacco jar six inches closer to Barad-dûr.