Findegil proposed:
Quote:
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{Thus spake }Mandos[ spake] in prophecy, when the {Gods}[Valar] sat in judgement in Valinor, and {the}[this] rumour of his words was whispered among all the {Elves}[Men] of the West.
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The problem with this is that we are still
stating that Mandos said these things, regardless of whether we then say that his words are remembered by Elves or by Men. What is needed is a change so that we say only that
it is said by some Men that he spoke this prophecy.
One way is to preface the whole thing with a completely fabricated statement of the sort: "Among Men a tale is told of the Second Prophecy of Mandos, and that tale is here given." I don't really like that, as it is, again, a complete fabrication. Another way, very similar, would be to replace the first sentence: "It is said by some Men that Mandos spake thus in prophecy, when the Valar sat in judgement in Valinor." However, we still have a problem with excessive creative writing.
Incidentally, I don't see the point of the deletion of "thus spake" and replacement with "spake" in your revision.