Quote:
Nilpescence of Fegalunsia: "We will have peace," said Oddwen at last thickly and with an effort. Several of the Downers cried out gladly. Oddwen held up her hand. "Yes, we will have peace," she said now in a clear voice, "We will have peace when you and all your works have perished - and the works of your dark master to whom you would deliver us. You are a liar, Nilp, and a corrupter of men's hearts."
"No, no! What am I saying? I have been dreaming."
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"Oddwen, Oddwen!" cried Nilpaurion amidst his tears. But she opened her eyes and said: "Nilpaurion! What joy is this? For they said that you would not post. Nay, but that was only the dark voices in my dream. How long have I been dreaming?"
"Not long, fellow Downer," said Nilpaurion. "But think no more on it! Here is my post."
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Faramir and Company enter the ruins, and they see two Tiger tanks approaching from the other side of the bridge. One of the Gondorian soldier is aiming a bazooka . . . uhhh . . . Sorry, wrong film. OK, so the bunch of weirdos enter Osgiliath.
Faramir: This isn't Osgiliath . . .
They hear a faint voice from the West, crying, "Hey! That's my line!"
Soldier 1: *
ignores the voice from the West* The words of Boromir the Dazed . . . may his fėa rest in piece . . .
Frodo: Boromir's dead?!
Faramir: Yes. Haven't I told you back at Henneth Annūn?
Frodo: Uhhh . . . no?!
Faramir: OK. So now you know.
Frodo: Yee . . . ummm . . . Dead? How?! When!?!
Faramir: Shouldn't this have happened earlier?
Madril appears.
Madril: Faramir! SS reinforcements have taken the eastern shore, supported by panzers and artillery. Their numbers are too great. By nightfall we'll be overrun.
I really
am in the wrong film . . .
Readers: A-hem!
Oh . . . Frodo begins to breath heavily. This causes Sam concern.
Sam: Frodo?
Frodo: It's calling to him, Sam. His eye is almost on me . . . AAAH!!! The mascara! Too much! Too much!!!
Sam:
Hold on, Mr. Frodo.
A whomp-whomp noise begins to drown him out. Frodo strains to hear him.
Sam: You'll be all right . . .
(to self) Or maybe not . . .
Sam continues to speak but his voice fades away and we can only see his lips moving. OK, someone pressed the mute. Look for the remote.
Here!
No, that's my phone!
I found it! *presses mute
* The sound returns to normal for us, but the whomp-whomp sound can still be heard in the background. (to crew)
HEY! Tell that chopper to buzz off! We're filming here!
Faramir: *
pushes Frodo and Sam* Take them to my father.
Another faint voice can be heard, this time from the North. A feminine voice, saying "I told you so . . . "
Faramir(shouts back to the North): It's your fault, Galadriel! You called me big-nosed! My feelings were hurt, y'know?!
Soldiers:
*
stops when Faramir turns back to them*
Faramir: Tell him his big-nosed son sends a mighty gift. A weapon that will change our fortunes in this war.
Sam and Frodo are turned over to Madril and his men. Sam jerks free and confronts Faramir.
Sam: You wanna know what happened to Boromir? You wanna know why your brother died?
Faramir: Uh . . . Orcs killed him?
Sam: Oh. Just asking.
Soldier 2: Watch out!
An missile crumbles a tower. The whomp-whomp sound approaches the city. Frodo looks up and his eyes roll back in his head. That kid’s plain weird. No wonder Gandalf set him off to Mordor.
Sam: Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: They're here. They've come.
Sam:
A Nazgūl screeches overhead.
Faramir: NAZGŪL!!!
So that’s what the chopper was for.
Readers: *
glower*
Uh . . . Everyone runs for cover. Duh. Who wants to be in the open against an attack helicopter. Faramir places Frodo and then Sam against a wall. Wait, where’s Gollum.
Madril: There you are. *
grabs Gollum and pushes him against another wall*
Faramir: Stay here. Keep out of sight.
He leaves them and calls to his men.
Faramir: Take cover! That thing’s got a loudspeaker!
Nazgūl: Vote for Sauron 3019! Oh, and give us back the porcelain cow!
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Oh, and can I have the Nazgūl vs. Eagles fight?