At Meduseld. Théoden rushes in and goes straight to his room. He plunges into his bed.
Théoden: Ah, I thought I’d never see you again. *
rolls up in his blankie, bambi eyes at Gandalf* Can I stay here ‘til the war is over?
Gandalf: No. We have to rescue your *
coughcuckoo* friend.
Théoden: Ms. Cuddles?
Gandalf: No. Denethor.
Théoden: But I don’t wanna! Can’t you tell him “doctor’s orders” or something?
Gandalf: No. We have to save his city from being overrun by a gazillion Orcs. If that happens I lose my retirement fund . . . I mean Middle-earth shall surely fall.
Théoden: But I almost died!
Gandalf: “Almost” doesn’t cut it! You still have to . . . oops. Hehe.
Théoden: *
stands up and stares at him weirdly* What?
Gandalf (
): Nothing . . .
Gamling: My lord, it’s time for the celebration.
Théoden: Awww . . . do I
have to?
Gamling: Yes, sire. You have to keep your people drunk so they could forget your lack of a standard welfare program.
Théoden: *
sigh* Very well. But I want the theme to be
Star Wars.
Gamling: What, my lord?
Théoden: Just tell ‘em.
Later, at Meduseld’s Press Room (and Party Hall), the celebration has just begun.
Bouncer: What are wearing?
Guy in styro-Númenor island costume: I’m Hyarrostar. The king said Star-something is the theme.
Bouncer: It’s Star Wars. You’re not allowed.
Guy: But . . . but . . . It hasn’t existed in this Age yet! You
have to let me in!
Bouncer: *
draws light sabre* Don’t make me
force you out . . .
Guy: Hey. Where’d you get that?
Bouncer: Somewhere . . . *
uneasy for a while* Now GIT!
Inside . . .
Théoden (
in Emperor costume): . . . and so we give tribute to those were in front, to those who caught all the incoming arrows, and to those who were slow and clumsy. All hail the victorious Dead!
Men of Rohan: *silence*
Théoden: C’mon! ‘coz of ‘em we’re still alive!
Men: YEAH!!!
Théoden: So eat, drink and be Pippin! Forget the fact that tomorrow we may be needed to ride our horses at breakneck speeds!
Men: PAAAR-TAY!!!!!
Éowyn (
approaches Aragorn in Amidala costume): Drink to me not only with thine eyes. *
offers cup*
Aragorn (in Darth Vader costume): Huh?
Éowyn: I meant have a drink, Aragorn.
Aragorn: Yeah, sure. *
takes cup, inhales aroma* Hey, this decade-old Dorwinion red wine is laced with Imloth Melui rose extract. Are you trying to do something to me?
Éowyn: Me? Aman, no! *
mutter*
With you, maybe . . .
Aragorn: What?
Éowyn: Nothing. *
pouts*
Aragorn leaves.
Gimli (
sidles up to Éowyn in Ewok costume): I don’t see why you keep trying to get Aragorn, when you could have me.
Éowyn:
Here I mean no offence, Master Dwarf, but you’re . . .
small . . .
Gimli: Hey, I can live with your height.
Éowyn:
. . . and
female.
Gimli: True. Go on.
Éowyn: I’m straight.
Gimli: Nobody’s perfect, dear.
Éowyn: *
groan* I’m
so outta here . . .
On top of some table, a little Ossefest has begun . . .
Merry:
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipe!
Pip ish high, Pip ish high, Pip ish really on the go!
Pippin: You’re shtill shlurring, dude.
Merry: Shteer.
Pippin: Shkola.
Merry: Schule.
Pippin: Ich habe dash nicht vershtanden. Ich shpreche nicht Deutsch.
Merry: What-ever, dude.
On the buffet table . . .
Freda’s mom (
from afar in C-3PO costume): The last pepperoni pizza slice!
Théoden: Hey, look! Pepperoni! *
takes slice* Gamling, do we still have more pizza?
Gamling (
in Obi-Wan costume): No, sire. The Pizza Hall’s closed ‘til the next age. I think they’re perfecting the manflesh pizza in case Sauron wins.
Théoden: Yeah, whatever. *
eats last slice*
Mom (
approaches Théoden): I swear that for the rest of this age you shall know neither peace nor rest, pizza-stealer.
Théoden: Woman, I’m the king of almost half the world of Free Men. No-one can harm me.
Freda’s mom storms off, vowing bloody vengeance.
Meanwhile . . .
Aragorn: No news of Frodo.
Gandalf: No word. Nothing.
Aragorn: We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.
Gandalf: Do we know that?
Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?
Gandalf pauses.
Gandalf: That Frodo is alive. *
pause* Yes. Yes, he's alive.
Aragorn: Is that you or the ale that’s talking. ‘coz there’s
no way in Menel, Cemen, or the three cities of Valinor that he’s still alive.
Gandalf: True. He’s dead in some ditch near Mordor.
Aragorn (
laughs): And you made him Ringbearer.
Gandalf: Yeah. The Ring’s near Mordor. *
gulp* We are
so dead.
Aragorn: Told you your plan sucked from the start. We should just have allied with the Galactic Empire.
Gandalf: Is that you or Darth Vader talking?
__________________
Can I have the scene immediately after the WK/Éowyn/Merry scene? I want to be the one to kill Théoden.
