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Smeagol: Psychiatric help.
Gollum: Don't listen to Smeagol. We're fine. All we wants is fishses.
Aragorn: How to Earn Her Dad's Approval
Faramir: How to Earn MY Dad's Approval
Glorfindel: How to Destroy a Horse Thief Without Sparking the Horrible Rage of her Father
Arwen: What Is Mortality?: A guide for daughters of half-elves who must choose between life and love without sparking the horrible rage of their fathers.
Balrog: Deodorant, breathmints
Pippin: On the Quantum Physics of the Multiple Universes
Sam: Anti-Smeagol shield, electric zapping obedience collar for Smeagol.
Frodo: The Art of Being Mauled to Near-Death by Everything Nearby and Surviving, Ringorette patch (Delivers a small dose of evil ring directily into the bloodstream, thereby helping to break ring addiction.)
Grima: Makeover, Eowyn's hand in marriage.
Eowyn: Stun gun for use on Grima.
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"Wide ne bith wel," cwaeth se the geheirde on helle hriman.
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