On Hare Colour
A poem on the Ringarë 3021 issue of
Candy and Eldar casts some serious doubt on the purple-hare theory.
A, Rabbit-hair, gilded and fair,
Silver pens of Míriel.
O, Menel, a car made by hand,
Ach! a red palantír, Ariel!
O, Galadriel, in your wrath,
Fans are lost, like Linda Thorn.
Narf! a meara! See! Enough! I, R. Gon.
The “R. Gon” at the end of the poem helps to identify who the author is. A majority of scholars believe that it was none other than Aragorn, son of Arathorn, who wrote this verse. Some surmise that he wrote the staves after missing the hares he played with in Imladris as a child. None of these bunnies survived past the Fourth Age, for it is believed that Elrond deep-sixed those that remained in Rivendell before he left for the Havens.
In the poem we see the variety in colours of the rabbits of Rivendell: gold, silver and red. But no purple was mentioned. Why? Surely, Elmerf’s purpleness would stand out.
A clue to this mystery can be found in the Súlimë 2974 issue, published a month before Elmerf was first seen with purple hair. There this advertisement was published:
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Then get a life! Set yourself apart!
Start with a new hair colour!
Try PUMPERNICKEL PROUDFOOT’S
SPECIALLY FORMULATED PURPLE HAIR DYE!
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In the box of this product was written a warning that it would take one month before the dye took effect. On Narië 8, 2974, a month after the
Candy and Eldar issue containing the advertisement was published, more than two hundred people from Minas Tirith were executed for “hair colour unbecoming of a canonical Númenórean descendant.” Later it was discovered that on the same day, Radagast the Brown disappeared from Rhosgobel, although a purple-haired “cousin” of his appeared in the said area for two years before the return of Radagast, after which the “cousin” was nowhere to be seen. Make what you will of that.
The discovery of these startling pieces of evidence in the back issues of
Candy and Eldar casts serious doubt on the natural purpleness of Elmerf’s hair. Next time I shall publish my reports on the coup d’ etat in Mirkwood, gleaned from Tolkien’s infamous essays
On Harey Stories and
Shoelaces of Fëanor.