[the guy who be short]

I've just read The Adventures of Tom Bombadil for the second time. Astounding new evidence can be thrown into the debate!

But one day Tom, he went and caught the River-daughter,
in green gown, flowing hair, sitting in the rushes,
singing old water-songs to birds upon the bushes.
He caught her, held her fast! Water-rats went scuttering
reeds hissed, herons cried, and her heart was fluttering.
Said Tom Bombadil: 'Here's my pretty maiden!
You shall come home with me!

Yes, an abductor! But that's not all...

Little Bird sat on twig. ‘Whillo, Tom! I heed you.
I’ve a guess, I’ve a guess where your fancies lead you.
Shall I go, shall I go, bring him word to meet you?’
‘No names, you tell-tale, or I’ll skin and eat you,
babbling in every ear things that don’t concern you!
If you tell Willow-man where I’ve gone, I’ll burn you,
roast you on a willow-spit. That’ll end your prying!’

This is like threatening to burn a double glazing salesman. And eating him.

‘Talk less, Fisher Blue! Keep your kindly wishes!
Fly off and preen yourself with the bones of fishes!
Gay lord on your bough, at home a dirty varlet
living in a sloven house, though your breast be scarlet.
I’ve heard of fisher-birds beak in air a-dangling
to show how the wind is set: that’s an end of angling!’

Insults the Kingfisher, then implicitly threatens to rip his beak off and use it as a weathervane.

‘I’ll give your otter-fell to Barrow-wights. They’ll taw you!
Then smother you in gold-rings! Your mother if she saw you,
she’d never know her son, unless ‘twas by a whisker.

In league with Barrow Wights.

Could you speak a fair word, I would love you dearer:
long neck and dumb throat, but still a haughty sneerer!
If one day the King returns, in upping he may take you,
brand your yellow bill, and less lordly make you!’

Insults the Swan, wishing her to be branded.

‘Ware, Tom! We’ll shoot you dead with our bows and arrows!
We don’t let Forest-folk nor bogies from the Barrows
cross over Brandywine by cockle-boat nor ferry’.

Hobbits threaten Tom. Clearly, they know that he is in league with "bogies from the Barrow."

I’ll call the orks on you: that’ll send you running!

Perhaps the most incriminating evidence against Old Tom. He is, I'm afraid, in league with Orcs.

So, what have we got? He kidnapped his wife and forced her to marry him. He constantly spouts foul insults. He threatens to burn and eat people who annoy him (and generally likes to threaten people). He is in league with Barrow Wights and Orcs. Obviously he is evil, and most likely the ancestor of the modern day phenomenom we have come to know as "chavs." He was clearly an outlaw, which explains why his home is so far from civilisation.

The probable conclusion is that, being extremely anti-social, he went to live Wild amongst the animals. Seeing Goldberry, he kidnapped her and forced her into a wedding. His foul mouth meant he got on well with wandering Orcs, and his evil nature meant he had some sort of accord with the Wights, thus his ability to save Frodo and company from them. He was simply a Man, a very bad sort of Man, but still human. The Ring had no effect on him because his Fea was as corrupt as Sauron's. He probably meant to burn and eat the fat, tasty hobbits after ensnaring them, but Goldberry talked him out of it. And Fatty Lumpkin? Why do you think he was so fat...?