[Kuruharan]

Well, since it was asked, and has not been explicitly done quite yet, Kuruharan the Longbeard proudly presents….

Gandalf the Marathon Sprinter!

The following presentation will totally ignore all other aspects of the potential alternate storylines and focus exclusively on Gandalf’s activities. This process will be confusing enough without interjecting other people into it.

We will begin on February 26 when Gandalf strove against Sauron in the mind of Frodo "in a high place."

Ready, Set, GO!

Feb. 26-Gandalf is in a high place, I presume somewhere in the Misty Mountains near Fangorn. As soon as Frodo sets off on his journey, Gandalf must rush down into Fangorn, find Treebeard, fan the flames of vengeance against Saruman, and if possible get Treebeard to have the Entmoot moved up to the next day as Gandalf has a pressing appointment in Edoras. However, Ents being the way that they are, this does not happen. However, since Gandalf is who he is, he gets the Entmoot moved up to the 28th.

Feb. 27-Gandalf spends a very frustrating day of biting his finger-nails and collecting reports.

Feb. 28-Entmoot begins. Gandalf delivers a fiery harangue about the evils of Saruman and the necessity of the Ents going out and kicking some butt. The furious torrent of Gandalf’s speech leaves the Ents feeling hopelessly bewildered and they adjourn for the rest of the day to recover. Gandalf, beside himself in consternation, bends his thoughts upon Shadowfax to get him into the general area post-haste.

Feb. 29-Entmoot resumes. Gandalf, shouting and gesturing hysterically, only manages to get the Ents more confused and muddled than they were before. Peeved that Shadowfax is "lollygagging" Gandalf mentally spurs the horse to greater speed and Shadowfax arrives in the area by evening.

Feb. 30-Entmoot continues. Abandoning the Ents to their bothersome deliberations, Gandalf dashes off in the general direction of Edoras, a journey of over 150 miles. Shadowfax being the horse that he is, they arrive there that night. The guards tell him to go away until morning.

March 1-A very ill-tempered Gandalf enters Edoras at dawn. Told that he must leave his staff and sword at the door Gandalf replies, "I can’t be bothered with that kind of crap!" and engages in a rather unseemly brawl with the door-wardens. After "accidentally" blasting one of the guards to cinders he is admitted. Unfortunately, Theoden’s guards, alert to the fact that they have a maniac threatening the king, have hidden Theoden away in some back room of the Golden Hall. Gandalf must restrain the urge to burn the place down and he begins an exhaustive search. The search takes most of the day, however Gandalf eventually finds the king. Realizing that the Ents probably need his inspirational presence by this point, Gandalf cures Theoden by bashing the king over the head with his staff. He rallies the Rohirrim, props Theoden up on Snowmane, and sends them off to the Fords of Isen. Gandalf rushes back to the Entmoot, but is not able to arrive until the next morning.

March 2-Gandalf arrives. Shadowfax collapses. Gandalf finds that the Ents are discussing the exciting possibility of the development of a new breed of oak trees. Gandalf sets the Ents back on course with his blazing oratory and a few strategically placed blows with his staff. Gandalf gets the Ents off on their march on Isengard "to hew the stone and break the door." Gandalf goes over, kicks Shadowfax, and tells him to "Quit lyin’ down on th’ job!!!" He rides a rather unwilling Shadowfax off to find Theoden. On the way he discovers that the Second Battle of the Fords of Isen has been lost. Gandalf finds Theoden. However, the Rohirrim are not going anything like fast enough, Theoden’s head is still aching villainously from his "miracle cure." Gandalf tells him to, "Quit bein’ such a baby!" and sends the Rohirrim to Helm’s Deep. Gandalf forces an increasingly surly Shadowfax to rush off to Isengard to make sure that the Ents haven’t messed everything up and to find Erkenbrand and slap him around and make him pull his rabble together.

March 3-Gandalf gets to Isengard and finds Treebeard. The poor Ent only thought that Gandalf was talking fast before. Treebeard gets dizzy and falls down. Gandalf eventually manages to get things arranged and then scampers off to find Erkenbrand. After finding Erkenbrand and gathering what Rohirrim he can find, Gandalf leads them in a glorious charge to save the day and have wondrous stories told of him for generations to come of his valor at the Battle of the Hornburg.

March 4-Gandalf and Theoden set off for Isengard. Shadowfax refuses to rise to anything more than a trot, which suits Theoden just fine. The king’s ears are still ringing.

March 5-Gandalf relieves his frustrations by telling Saruman, in highly colorful language, exactly what he thinks of him and by breaking Saruman’s staff. Feeling quite satisfied with himself he turns to go. Wormtongue pitches the palantir at Gandalf. Gandalf, delighted with his good fortune, blesses Wormtongue by putting a spell on him so that Wormtongue will be especially delicious for the next five days. Hoping that will solve all of his problems, one way or another, Gandalf drags Theoden and Shadowfax away from Isengard in the general direction of Helm’s Deep. Gandalf explains to Theoden that he should be expecting a message from Gondor any day now. A Nazgul flies over their party and everyone gets all scared. Gandalf goes off, leaving Theoden to continue at his own glacial pace, and makes for Helm’s Deep.

March 6-Gandalf gets to Helm’s Deep and squirrels himself away in the Hornburg. Putting on his best Aragorn disguise, Gandalf says "Boo!" to Sauron and generally gets him all hot and bothered. Hoping that this will cause Sauron to do something incredibly stupid, Gandalf dashes off to Minas Tirith to provide them with his invaluable wisdom and assistance.

March 7-Gandalf and Shadowfax ride for Gondor.

March 8-Shadowfax only thought that Gandalf was riding him hard earlier.

March 9-Gandalf arrives at Minas Tirith. He barges in the Front Gate. Shadowfax plops down and has an out-of-the-body experience. Gandalf storms up to the White Tower. Bursting through the door, Gandalf tells Denethor, "I won’t have time for this later!" and he abruptly burns Denethor to a crisp. After announcing that he is now the Steward of Gondor, he leaves some instructions for Imrahil to give to, "that useless git Faramir, if he ever decides to show up!" and then promptly whallops an exhausted Shadowfax into taking the wizard southward. He heads for Linhir, which is a healthy 200 miles away. Shadowfax is now only managing a crawl and Gandalf abandons him. He commandeers another mount and puts the "Fear of Fire" into the horse to make it go faster.

March 10-Gandalf attempts to rally the countryside that he passes through. He has to stop to burn a few haystacks and barns when the natives prove recalcitrant. The locals eventually agree to follow him.

March 11-Arriving at Linhir, Gandalf and his army send the enemy scurrying off in all directions. Gandalf leads the Gondorian Army to Pelargir, riding five horses to death in the process.

March 12-The Gondorians being the "pathetic weaklings" that they are, Gandalf arrives at Pelargir all by his lonesome, but it hardly matters. One incredibly ticked Maia is more terrifying than an army of dead men any day of the week and the enemy fall all over themselves in an attempt to get away. Gandalf relieves the frustrations of the past few weeks by personally killing them by the thousands. Drafting the local peasants to crew his new fleet, Gandalf sets off to save Minas Tirith since in his own words, "Those wimpy buggers have probably already keeled over and died by this point!"

March 13-His incompetent crews can’t figure out how to work the big battleships, and Gandalf has to waste time explaining to them some of the finer points of the arts of knot-tying and keel-hauling.

March 14-Gandalf arrives at Minas Tirith. It is a good thing too because the city is on the verge of falling even earlier than Gandalf had expected. Gandalf leads his army onto the shore, establishes a beachhead, and looks about for the Rohirrim who should have arrived by now. Gandalf has a fit when he discovers that Theoden is doing his best snail imitation and has not arrived yet. Big battle the rest of the day.

March 15-Ride of the Rohirrim. Sauron’s army is destroyed by the combined might of Gondor and Rohan. Unfortunately, Theoden dies in the glorious fracas. The last thing he hears is Gandalf’s voice shouting, "Where the Udun have you been?!!!" Gandalf, even though the prospective king is not there, raises the standard of the Kings of Gondor, and presides over a ceremony of fealty-swearing to…somebody (the people were not too clear on this point, but they did not dare say anything).

March 16-Debate of the commanders. Actually, dictation by Gandalf would be a more accurate description of what happened. Gandalf drafted every last man for hundreds of miles in all directions for one last, magnificent scrap, mano y mano, with Sauron’s armies; to decide once and for all who was going to lord it over Middle earth for all eternity.

March 17-Gandalf and Shadowfax are reunited. Gandalf spends all day trying on the wardrobe of the Kings of Gondor, just to make sure that he looks his best for the upcoming battle.

March 18-"The Host of the West" marches from Minas Tirith. After a hasty council, that name is summarily scrapped in favor of the name "The Host of Gandalf ."

March 19-The Host of Gandalf comes to Morgul-vale. Gandalf takes great delight in burning everything in sight.

March 20-22-The Host of Gandalf marches through Ithilien. Gandalf shows his gentler side by orchestrating a controlled burn of some of the excessive undergrowth.

March 23-The Host of Gandalf marches out of Ithilien. King Gandalf (as he now requires everyone to call him) encourages the faint-hearted by holding an enormous punishment parade; complete with mass floggings and beheadings. The army proceeds with renewed confidence.

March 24-The Host of Gandalf camps in the desolation of the Morannon. King Gandalf the Ecologically Conscious encourages the troops to plant flowers and trees to make the place look livelier.

March 25-The Host of Gandalf calls Sauron out. King Gandalf the Great tells the Mouth of Sauron that he has obviously not been flossing. That tears it! A honkin’ huge battle ensues. King Gandalf the Glorious was too busy directing his troops to victory to notice that there was a cataclysmic event that was not taking place.

March 26-After thoroughly routing Sauron’s army, The Host of Gandalf (what’s left of it) marches to Barad-dur. King Gandalf the Splendid makes plans to turn Mordor into a vast, desolate wasteland. King Gandalf the Furious realizes that he won’t have the satisfaction of turning Mordor into a wasteland. He orders the massacre of all the prisoners to satisfy his fury.

March 27-The Host of Gandalf reaches Barad-dur. Sauron comes out and abjectly surrenders. King Gandalf the Magnanimous graciously allows him to become the Royal Toady and Boot-licker, after he hands over the Ring. Sauron said that he thought that King Gandalf the Victorious had it. King Gandalf the Puzzled orders a thorough search of his new empire to find the Ring.

March 30-It is found that the Fellowship had indeed become entangled in the webs of Shelob. King Gandalf the Mighty sets Shelob on fire and frees the Fellowship. He promptly liquidates Aragorn as an unwanted rival, the rest of the Fellowship was spared because they meant well. King Gandalf the Magnificent then proceeds to the Field of Cormallen where everyone in the world had to "Praise Him With Great Praise!"

This date became the first day in the New Year of the Calendar of Gandalf.

As you can see from this exhaustive treatment, it was possible for King Gandalf the All-Powerful to accomplish a great deal in the time that he had on his hands.

(Oh dear! I seem to have gotten carried away with myself!)

[ February 19, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]