[CENTER]
A shameless ripoff Previously on 24…
[The camera zooms to a small hut on the outskirts of Medul-zoom]
“tip tip, tiroo, tip tip tiroo, tip tip tiroo”
“Why do you keep making that noise, Jacques?”
“It is my
telephone”
“There is no such thing as a telephone, but you always make that sound when you got a letter from the King… spit it out”
“It seems they have a mission for us, the Counter Troll Unit, also known as CTU” Said Jacques Bawer “We have no time, to the halls of the king!!... BRRRRR BRRRR BRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAUUUUUUAAAARRRRRRR……… EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
Theoden: “Why does he have to make those noises while riding his horse?”
Bawer: “It is a car, my liege, not a horse. Now, I heard you had a troll problem”
Theoden: “Yes, we had a troll problem”
Bawer: “I’m here to solve your troll problem”
Theoden: “You are here to solve my troll problem?”
Bawer: “Well, where is he?”
Theoden: “I don’t really know, why?”
Bawer: “Alright, so you want me to find the troll and take him out, right?”
Theoden: “Oh… no, that’s old news. The problem with the troll is over. I tried sending you a messenger, but you insisted that he called your ‘telephone’. What is a telephone, and how do you call them? We tried screaming TELEPHONE!!!! But no-one came”
Bawer: “It’s… complicated, my lord. So you don’t need me here?”
Theoden: “Well, Mr. Bawer I wouldn’t want to make you feel useless…”
Bawer: “How about you invite me for lunch?”
Theoden: “Don’t abuse your luck”
Rat: SCREEEEEEEEECH
Theoden: “What was that?”
Bawer: “It is troll”
Rat: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH
Theoden: “It does not sound like a troll”
Bawer: “I know a troll when I hear one”
Theoden: “It sounds like a rat to me”
Bawer: “My lord, please I’m an… AH!! WHAT’S THAT!!!”
Theoden: “That, Mr. Bawer, is a rat”
Bawer: “It’s so ugly!! Ewwww!!”
Theoden: “STOP THE HORSENGINES!!!”
Hama: “Stop the horsengines!!”
Second man down the line: “Stop horsengines”
Third man down the line: “Stop”
Fourth man down the line: “What? I’m not going anywhere, I’m waiting here to transmit the orders down the line to the horsengine room.”
Third man down the line: “He says he’s not going anywhere”
Second man down the line: “He says he doesn’t want to go anywhere
Hama: “Someone says we can’t go anywhere”
Bawer: “It must be the rats, my liege, I don’t know how but they are compromising our efforts to move Medul-zoom”
Theoden: “Alright, then you and your Counter Troll Unit must find why the rats are here, who brought them in and how to get rid of them… and hurry!! We need to win this race”
Bawer: [Grabbing a rat and pressing it against the wall, looking straight into its eyes]
“WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!?!”
Rat: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH
Bawer: [Twisting the rat on some strange sort of lock] “Do not mess with me you filthy rat, you are going to talk, the only difference will be how much you suffer before you do it”
Rat: Screech!! Screech screech screech SCREECH!!!!
Bawer: “This is useless, my lord, they won’t break”
Theoden: “Back so soon, Mr. Bawer? I was about to take a shower, oh ho ho ho how clever I am”
(That space is used to exemplify the awkward silence that fell after Theoden’s rather lame pun)
Bawer: “Well my liege, it seems that these rats are very well trained. I interrogated one yet all she would say when I asked who their leader was is ‘Screech’”
Theoden: “Then why didn’t you apprehend Screech?”
Bawer: “Is Screech someone’s name?”
Rat: [limping slightly] “Yes, you brute… I tried telling you but you wouldn’t listen. Oh, no, no-one ever listens to us rats when we talk… yes, you big men with your fast horses and big golden castles won’t bother to listen to a rat, eh? You are ‘above’ our kind, eh? Eh?... you disgust me” [exits the scene]
Theoden: “Now that’s something you don’t see every day…. Alright, bring Mr. Screech to me!!”
Hama: “Bring Screech to the king!!”
Second man down the line: “oh, that’s me”
Theoden: ”What is this all about, Screech?”
Screech: “Rats, my liege”
Theoden: “Well, the rats are slowing us down, we need to get rid of them”
Screech: “But they are my only friends! Look, there is Lando, and Molly, and Steph, and Tina, and John and look how fast Billy is running!!!”
Theoden: “I’m sorry, but we need to get rid of them.”
Screech: “There is no way, my King”
Jacques: “I’ll find a way”
Theoden: “No, we don’t have time for you to ‘take them out’ one by one”
Jacques: “How did you know my secret plan?”
Theoden: “I’m a king, I know things. Eowyn!!”
Eowyn: “Yes, uncle?”
Theoden: “Do you know how to get rid of the rats?”
Eowyn: “Actually… there is one way….”
Tick tick tick tick ticktickticktickticktick (end of the episode)