[The Elf-warrior]

Q: Where did Tolkien spend his childhood?

A: He was born in South Africa, but when he was 7 he joined with Cecil Rhodes in prospecting for diamonds. During the night, he awoke to discover he had an elephant in his pajamas. He shot it, but he couldn't dislodge the tusks. He ran home to mom, who traveled to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to see a specialist in tusk removal. This incident caused in him a life long fear of elephants, and this was reflected in the Lord of the Rings and its negative portrayals of Oliphaunts. Then he and his family moved to Birmingham, Alabama, where his father was an exterminator. Tolkien developed a lifelong loathing of spiders because of his father's stories about the gigantic spiders he battled every month.

Q: When did Tolkien ever come to England?

A: When Tolkien was 10, he tried to befriend a wolf with disastrous results. After Tolkien came home from the hospital, his parents moved to Oxford.

Q: What were Tolkien's political and religious beliefs?

A: They were all over the map. He was a Catholic, a Buddhist, a non-denominational Protestant, a Theosophist, a Wiccan, a Neo-Platonist, an Odinist, a Gnostic, an Animist, and a Moravian at various times. As to politics, he was at times a paleoconservative, a neoconservative, an enviromentalist, an anarcho-capitalist, a hippy, a neo-Nazi, a Tory and a Wig.

Q: How did Edith die?

A: She died in a freak vacuum cleaner accident.

Q: Is Lord of the Rings an allegory?

A: Yes, it's an allegory of the dearth of good ham sandwiches after WW 1.

Q: How did Tolkien die?

A: His lifelong fear of elephants was fulfilled. While he was at the Oxford zoo, an elephant broke out of its cage and trampled him to death while he was watching chatting sqwerls.