[Morthoron]

Expose #5: Wherein the Dark Elf talks with one of the Shire's most famousest denizens

The Dark Elf: Today we'll be speaking to Hamfast 'Gaffer' Gamgee, walking malaprop and 'tater gardener supreme. Good evening Mr. Gamgee!

Gaffer Gamgee: Eh? Where's yer weskit? I don't go in for iron-mongery whether it wears well or no!

TDE: Ummm...I'm not wearing chain mail!

GG: Eh? Wassatchoosay? Make bail? Them good fer nothin' shiriffs must be out and about again, eh? Dug up my taters, they did, without so much as a how d'you do!

TDE: Well...

GG: Heh...Now that's a deep subject, and make no mistake. But don't be a'hangin' 'round the lip o' one, you could fall off'n and get drownded!

TDE: Good advice...

GG: Head lice? My Sam used to get them a'feerful! Lazy slowcoach as he was, a'sleepin' in the cabbages and dreamin' o' faeries...errr...beggin' your Elfish pardon. But I find a'scrubbin' with a good lye soap'll get them critters but good!

TDE: You have trouble hearing, don't you?

GG: Who's been Disappearing? Well, truth to tell, there aint been none o' that since Mister Billbo went off adventuring and what not. Ill will come of it, as I said at the time. Taking up with all them queer folk aint natural, present company excepted, but the Bagginses done treated me and my Sam as good as gold, if you get my meaning.

TDE: No, but I hardly think that matters at this point...

GG: My point? Well, I guess I haven't come to one yet, truth be told. Never heard tell Elves were such hasty folk, but one thing chases out another, and there you have it!

*Long pause*

TDE: Ummm...have...what?

GG: What?

TDE: There you have what?

GG: What what, wot?

TDE: Never mind...

GG: The mind? Well they say that's the first to go, but I don't take no stock in such talk. I'm fit as fiddle and twice as loud, as you might say!

TDE: Please continue, don't let me stop you.

GG: Well, that's right kindly of you, and make no mistake. Never did much conversing with you Elfish folk. Too high falootin' for my tastes. My Sam now, he was ever traipessing off willy-nilly with the likes o' you. Sam, I'd say, them Elfs and For'ners are above your station! Know your place, I used to tell him.

TDE: Ummm...

GG: But he's done quite well for himself, my Sam. Bless his heart. Been mayor now for nigh on eleventy years!

TDE: Do tell...

GG: Got children fallin' out o' the woodwork, he does. Got his wife knocked up more times than a cathouse door on a Saturday eve, if you get my meaning...

TDE: I'm not sure, I....

GG: Sam! I told him, keep your trousers on and quit yer traipessing off! No good will come of either, as I always say.

TDE: I am speechless...

GG: Speeches? Well, Sam's the mayor and all, and Mister Bilbo was one for a well-turned phrase, but I aint one for speechifying...

TDE: One would never know...

GG: Lightenin' strike me if I lie! No sir, my Sam and I are hobbits of few words, and the less said the more's the better, and that's the truth as I sees it. Not cos' a cat's got my tongue, mind you. I'll say my piece if I reckon it's due, in a manner of speaking...

TDE: Well, I'd like to thank you for this illuminating talk...

GG: ...and I've been known to tip my lid after a pint or two of ale, but where's the harm in that, I ask ye? Nothing bad ever done come of it, as there aint no call for goin' off half-cocked, beggin' your pardon for the phrase.

TDE: I wish we had more time...

GG: Ah well, It's an ill-wind as blows nobody no good, and all's well as ends better, as I've always said...

TDE: Say good night, dear Gaffer!

GG: Deer laughter? Well, I heard tell of a fox doing some talking up Farmer Maggot's way, but I aint never heard tell of elk and such with no sense of humor. How'd that there deer get so jolly then, drinking? Heh, guess that'd make 'em a Merry Brandybuck!

TDE: I SAID, GOOD NIGHT, MR. GAMGEE!

GG: Now, now there's no call for yellin', and being a disturber o' the peace and all. Now, are you a'saying it's a good night cos' the weather's to yer likin', or are you a'saying good night...

*The Dark Elf sighs, turns and walks away, leaving the gaffer to continue his mumblings unimpeded*