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Morthoron · 08-17-2008, 02:16 PM

CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part I

Narrator: And so, Gandalf, Bilbo and the dwarves escaped the dread gaiety of the elves and the taxing dialogue of the Last Homely House. Guiding their ponies up the circuitous paths that lead to the very heights of....

Bombur: 'Old on! Just a minute! Where did we get these blinkin' ponies from?

Narrator: Well, you see, the Italian funding the producers were expecting has fallen through (I told them they shouldn't trust the Italians), and subsequently the production team has had to sell the utility vehicles that were expected to be used as transport in all the Misty Mountain scenes. As a consequence of this budget reduction, they've had to buy these ponies on the cheap from a local glue factory to do the job instead. You'll notice various different departments' equipment crammed into your packs.

Bombur: Well, don't that defeat the suspension of disbelief required for a successful fantasy movie? I mean, the last scene we were scramblin' up the mountain on foot, and the next we're riding ponies?

Narrator: Not any moreso than a costumed character in the piece having an out-of-context discussion with an off-camera narrator.

Bombur: Right. Go on then.

Narrator: As the stalwart band of travelers made for the pass which would lead them over the Misty Mountains, a virulent thunderstorm struck.

Director: Cue the virulent thunderstorm!

Randall: Cue the virulent thunderstorm!

Scottie: I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Cap'n!

*Colorful animation of a virulent thunderstorm, complete with stone giants playing cricket with lightning bolts and storm clouds*

Bilbo: My, this is a virulent thunderstorm!

Gandalf: Indeed! No sense in muddling our way further, I can't see a foot in front of my nose, and the pass is treacherous enough without missing the trail and falling into an abyss.

Bilbo: That would be abysmal.

Thorin: I believe Fili and Kili have found a cave over to the right.

Gandalf: Hmmm...I am not at all comfortable with lodging in a cave in these parts. One never knows what lurks inside.

*A livid streak of lightning strikes a boulder nearby*

Gandalf: But then again, perhaps we should go in; at least until the storm abates...for the sake of the Hobbit.

Narrator: Safe from the crash and din of the storm, the travelers -- soaking, bedraggled and low in spirits -- made a small fire with Gandalf's wizardly assistance, and huddled the ponies at the very far end of the cave. Shorn of their wet clothes and exhausted from the perilous journey up the mountain, it wasn't long before the company started to nod off.

*Bilbo awakens to the sound of grinding rock*

Bilbo: What's this?

*To Bilbo's surprise, he sees the last of the ponies being herded off into a great crack that had opened in the rear of the cave*

Bilbo: This mountain certainly has an appetite. I wonder what it eats when it can't get ponies?

*Coming groggily to his senses, Bilbo sees goblins creeping from the crack where the ponies had disappeared*

Bilbo: GANDALF! HELP!!!

*Bilbo's cry awakens his companions, foremost of all Gandalf, who, having a knack for self-defense unleashes a bolt of lightning, killing several goblins, and in the smoke and confusion, saves himself by disappearing, leaving Bilbo and the dwarves at the mercy of the remaining infuriated goblins, who grabbed the helpless hobbit and dwarves and dragged them through the crack, which snapped shut with an angry crash*

Goblin #1: I 'eard you 'airy-footed 'alf-pints like singin' and merriment.

Bilbo: That's Hobbits, not half-pints, thank you, and yes we do like singing and making jolly.

Goblin #2: Garn, he's a precocious li'l blighter, aint 'ee?

Goblin #1: I'll say. But 'ee'll change 'is tune once we 'ave our way wi' 'em! Ready m'boys?

*a pitch pipe sounds in the darkened stone corridor, followed by several goblins struggling to get in tune*

The hills are alive with the sound of goblins
Wi' songs we have sung for a thousand years
The hills shake your bowels with the sound of goblins
And enchained, you can't stop up your ears

*The dwarves and Bilbo grimace in agony*

Your heart wants to shriek like the wings of bats
That rise like the dead in the dark
Your belly does a churn as the horse flies
Leave maggots on droppings so stark...

Bilbo: Enough! Enough! Oh please, no more torment!

Goblin #1: Ho-ho! You think this is bad, do ye? Wait'll the Goblin King gets 'is 'ands on ye!

Bilbo: He sings worse?

Goblin #2: [Coughs out a hoarse laugh and then becomes serious] Totally tone deaf.

Goblin #1: Aye, that 'ee is. Now, where were we?

How do we solve a problem like a Baggins?
How do you pinch and bite him while he's down?
How do you find the words to insult a Baggins?
Why, drag his sorry arse to Goblin-town...

08-17-2008, 02:16 PM	#42
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,515	CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part I Narrator: And so, Gandalf, Bilbo and the dwarves escaped the dread gaiety of the elves and the taxing dialogue of the Last Homely House. Guiding their ponies up the circuitous paths that lead to the very heights of.... Bombur: 'Old on! Just a minute! Where did we get these blinkin' ponies from? Narrator: Well, you see, the Italian funding the producers were expecting has fallen through (I told them they shouldn't trust the Italians), and subsequently the production team has had to sell the utility vehicles that were expected to be used as transport in all the Misty Mountain scenes. As a consequence of this budget reduction, they've had to buy these ponies on the cheap from a local glue factory to do the job instead. You'll notice various different departments' equipment crammed into your packs. Bombur: Well, don't that defeat the suspension of disbelief required for a successful fantasy movie? I mean, the last scene we were scramblin' up the mountain on foot, and the next we're riding ponies? Narrator: Not any moreso than a costumed character in the piece having an out-of-context discussion with an off-camera narrator. Bombur: Right. Go on then. Narrator: As the stalwart band of travelers made for the pass which would lead them over the Misty Mountains, a virulent thunderstorm struck. Director: Cue the virulent thunderstorm! Randall: Cue the virulent thunderstorm! Scottie: I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Cap'n! Colorful animation of a virulent thunderstorm, complete with stone giants playing cricket with lightning bolts and storm clouds Bilbo: My, this is a virulent thunderstorm! Gandalf: Indeed! No sense in muddling our way further, I can't see a foot in front of my nose, and the pass is treacherous enough without missing the trail and falling into an abyss. Bilbo: That would be abysmal. Thorin: I believe Fili and Kili have found a cave over to the right. Gandalf: Hmmm...I am not at all comfortable with lodging in a cave in these parts. One never knows what lurks inside. A livid streak of lightning strikes a boulder nearby Gandalf: But then again, perhaps we should go in; at least until the storm abates...for the sake of the Hobbit. Narrator: Safe from the crash and din of the storm, the travelers -- soaking, bedraggled and low in spirits -- made a small fire with Gandalf's wizardly assistance, and huddled the ponies at the very far end of the cave. Shorn of their wet clothes and exhausted from the perilous journey up the mountain, it wasn't long before the company started to nod off. Bilbo awakens to the sound of grinding rock Bilbo: What's this? To Bilbo's surprise, he sees the last of the ponies being herded off into a great crack that had opened in the rear of the cave Bilbo: This mountain certainly has an appetite. I wonder what it eats when it can't get ponies? Coming groggily to his senses, Bilbo sees goblins creeping from the crack where the ponies had disappeared Bilbo: GANDALF! HELP!!! Bilbo's cry awakens his companions, foremost of all Gandalf, who, having a knack for self-defense unleashes a bolt of lightning, killing several goblins, and in the smoke and confusion, saves himself by disappearing, leaving Bilbo and the dwarves at the mercy of the remaining infuriated goblins, who grabbed the helpless hobbit and dwarves and dragged them through the crack, which snapped shut with an angry crash Goblin #1: I 'eard you 'airy-footed 'alf-pints like singin' and merriment. Bilbo: That's Hobbits, not half-pints, thank you, and yes we do like singing and making jolly. Goblin #2: Garn, he's a precocious li'l blighter, aint 'ee? Goblin #1: I'll say. But 'ee'll change 'is tune once we 'ave our way wi' 'em! Ready m'boys? a pitch pipe sounds in the darkened stone corridor, followed by several goblins struggling to get in tune The hills are alive with the sound of goblins Wi' songs we have sung for a thousand years The hills shake your bowels with the sound of goblins And enchained, you can't stop up your ears The dwarves and Bilbo grimace in agony Your heart wants to shriek like the wings of bats That rise like the dead in the dark Your belly does a churn as the horse flies Leave maggots on droppings so stark... Bilbo: Enough! Enough! Oh please, no more torment! Goblin #1: Ho-ho! You think this is bad, do ye? Wait'll the Goblin King gets 'is 'ands on ye! Bilbo: He sings worse? Goblin #2: [Coughs out a hoarse laugh and then becomes serious] Totally tone deaf. Goblin #1: Aye, that 'ee is. Now, where were we? How do we solve a problem like a Baggins? How do you pinch and bite him while he's down? How do you find the words to insult a Baggins? Why, drag his sorry arse to Goblin-town... __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 08-18-2008 at 06:06 AM.