[Morthoron]

CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part III -- well, actually it's the Riddles in the Dark chapter of the book, but due to the time compression necessary in film-making, it was decided necessary to fold one chapter into another, like eggs in a bowl, smooshing them up nicely with some cheese, onions and green pepper (actually anachronistic, as the capsicum was unknown to the Old World until Columbus' discoveries) for a Tolkien omlette...perhaps with crispy bacon on the side, and some nice toast (not too burnt), slathered in butter. Mmmmmmm.....

*Daunting silence*

Narrator: Ummm...heh...We were last in the very bowels of the mountains and Bilbo had won the riddle contest (although by rather underhanded means), and he was waiting for the creature Gollum to live up to his side of the deal (and as their was no legal remediation or collective bargaining at this juncture in Middle-earth history, Gollum was perforce impelled to perform the terms of his verbal agreement).

Bilbo: [impatiently] Well? I want to go. You promised to show the way.

Gollum: Did we say so, precious? Show the cheatin' little bugger out, yesss, yessss. But what has it got in its pocketses, that rascal Puff? Not strings or sealing wax or other fancy stuff! Oh no! Gollum!

Bilbo: Never you mind. A promise is a promise!

Gollum: Ss-ss-ss, Cross it is, irascibly brusque, precious. But it musn't go yet, no it mustn't. We mustn't go through tunnels so hasty. We must gets us some travel aids first, yes things to help us, gollum.

Bilbo: Well, hurry it up. I'm starting to feel like a mushroom in this dank dark.

Narrator: And so Gollum paddled off in his little boat (how he managed to find wood in a subterranean cave is anyone's guess), and unbeknownst to Bilbo, went to a secret island in the middle of the lake where he kept his precious, his treasure (so I guess it was a Treasure Island), a very beautiful and wondrous thing. He had a ring, a golden ring. it was given to him by his cousin Deagolovitz many years ago as a present. He wanted to slip his ring on, his precious, and thus become invisible (as it was a magic ring, although not rabbinically kosher perhaps), so as to throttle the uppity gentile Hobbit in the dark.

Gollum: My Bar-Mitzvah present! Where isss it? Oy veh, were issss it?

Bilbo: What's the matter?

Gollum: It mustn't ask, mishugenah. It's losssst, golem, golem, golem!

Bilbo: Well, so am I! And I want to get unlost. You never guessed my last riddle and you promised!

Gollum: Never guessed! Ss-ss-sss--sss...What has it got in its pocketses?

Bilbo: Well, perhaps I'll...ummm...try to find my own way out myself, while you ...errrr...find whatever it is you lost.

Gollum: What has it got in its pocketses?

Bilbo: Thank you so much for the splendid time. I don't believe I've ever had such an enchanting chat...in a dark cave with a menacing green creature such as yourself.

Narrator: Bilbo knew the jig was up and that Gollum meant to make matzoh balls out of him. He ran madly back up the tunnel from whence he came. Gollum's angry hissing came ever closer and his eyes appeared as green lamps in the darkness. Suddenly, Bilbo's rush to escape ended abruptly as he tripped on a snag, and he tumbled in a ragged heap on the stone. For no apparent reason save for pushing the plot forward, he felt the ring in his pocket.

Bilbo: What could that Gollum be missing? Could it be...? Hmmm.

*Gollums ran right by Bilbo, who unknowingly had slipped the ring on*

Gollum: Where did he go? Cursed Bagginses, we hates it! Hates it forever!

*Due to the lack of comedic pacing, the scene abruptly changes to a green glen among a stand of pine trees on the far side of the mountain*

Bilbo: And that, dear Gandalf and master dwarves, is how I escaped the creature Gollum and the orcs and passed through the secret door.

Gandalf: Ummm...but you haven't told us anything.

Bilbo: I haven't?

Gandalf: No, you began at the finish with no start or in-between whatsoever.

Bilbo: Well, you know what they say: keep it secret, keep it safe.

Gloin: I have heard that before.

Gandalf: Yes, it does sound vaguely familiar, but I fail to see how it applies...

*The sound of snarling and howling wargs echoes through the hills*

Bilbo: What's that?

Gandalf: Our next big-budget action sequence. Run everyone! The wargs are coming!

Thorin: Dash it all! The slopes are too steep hereabouts. We can't outrun them, and we have no weapons. We'll have to climb the trees!

*The Panicked escapees frantically scramble up the fir trees just in the nick of time, for the ferocious wargs, huge wolfish creatures, arrived in the clearing*

*The wargs slather and snarl around each tree, speaking in their gruff growls*

Bilbo: What are they saying Gandalf?

Gandalf: I can’t very well translate aloud, Bilbo, or else we may lose our PG rating. Needless to say, they are being quite rude. [cackling loudly] How about a little fire, Scarecrow?

*Gandalf begins pitching fiery fir-cones down on the wargs, which ignite as soon as they hit the beasts’ pelts (or, more poetically, flying fir-fire fearfully flaming foul fur, as it were)*

Bilbo: Hah! They’re on the run! Those are some hot dogs! [a drum and snare sound in the distance with a pronounced ba-dump-bump]

Gandalf: Ah, but look: the Goblins are here. It appears we are out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Bilbo: Oh, I like that! Mind if I use that for the book I’m writing? The working title is ‘Bilbo Baggins: A Glorious Retrospective of the Legendary Hero’.

Gandalf: [irritatedly] It might be titled ‘Hobbit Hash’ if we can’t get out of this mess. Even now the Goblins are fanning the fire below us!

Goblin #1: Garn, wha’ do we ‘ave ‘eer me boyos? A captive audience, it seems! Janet, line up the sopranos and altos. I think some serenadin’s in order ‘eer.

Gandalf: Not more singing!

Goblins:

O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
It reeks of scorching wizard’s beard,
But in the warmth we still find cheer.
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!

No use to chop to get our crop --
They’re sure to drop before they pop!
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!

Goblin #2: [Sobbing] Sniff! That song always chokes me up.

Goblin #1: There, there, Betty, you always were a softy.

Gandalf: Go way, little boys! It’s not time for your curdled carols! You know what happens to brats who play with fire?

Goblin #1: I dunno. But I’m sure you’ll be a’telling us once you’re well-done! Let’s give him another, boyos!

Goblins:

Gandalf roasting on an open fire,
Dwarf beards singed below their nose.
Hobbit feet burnt up in the pyre,
And Orcs await the afterglow --
Everybody knows --
That turkey tastes like Hobbit toes,
Or chicken fingers fried just right.
‘Tater-tots and mushrooms I’m told
Are the perfect sides for Baggins tonight…

Goblin #1: Hey, look! What to my wond’ring eyes should appear?

Goblin #2: What, a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer?

Goblin #1: No, you dolt, it’s the Eagles!

Narrator: More rapid than coursers the eagles they came, And Gandalf whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Landroval! now, Thorondor! now, Meneldor and Gwaihir! On, Miley! on Lindsey! on, Britney and Paris! To the top of the trees they had answered the call, grabbed them up in their talons, and dashed away all!

TO BE CONTINUED…