[Morthoron]

CHAPTER V: Wargses and Eagles and Bears (Oh my!)

Narrator: And so the Beagles, great fluffy puppies of the north, saved Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves from the dreadful fire set by the Goblins. These curious canines had sensed goblinish mischief afoot and had come down from their mountain kennels, baying boldly in the moonlight like their noble sires, the hunting hounds of the Vala Oromë...

*The narrator is handed a slip of paper*

Narrator: Strike that last paragraph. It would seem it was the Eagles of the North that were the ones that saved the company from certain disaster; although why the Eagles rather than the Beagles did the saving is up for conjecture. I mean, after all, dogs have always been man's best friend, haven't they? Eagles are raptors, and would just as soon steal your sheep as look at you. Where were the Beagles? Were they hunting elsewhere, or was there perhaps a more sinister plot to keep dogs out of the story? Or cats for that matter! One mention of Huan the Hound in the Silmarillion, and one offhand remark regarding the cats of Queen Beruthiel in Lord of the Rings -- that's it! It's always the Eagles saving Gandalf here and rescuing Gandalf there, aiding in a battle here, swooping to Mount Doom there. No Fido or Tabby in several thousand pages!

*The narrator is handed another slip of paper*

Narrator: Well, it seems I've been sacked. Damn.

*Cut-scene to one-dimensional cut-outs of Eagles carrying dwarves against a static background set*

Bilbo: [shouting as the eagles fly off] Thank you very much for the ride! I'd always heard that beagles were noble creatures.

Gandalf: Eagles.

Bilbo: Right. Ummm...where are we at present?

Gandalf: We are at the Carrock.

Bilbo: Carrot?

Gandalf: No, Carrock.

Bilbo: And what is a Carrock, exactly?

Gandalf: It is what he calls it.

Bilbo: He who?

Gandalf: He who named the Carrock. It is what he calls such things.

Bilbo: Whom?

Gandalf: Whom?

Bilbo: Yes, whom? The person who named the Carrock.

Gandalf: That's right.

Bilbo: What's right?

Gandalf: He is the person who named the Carrock.

Bilbo: Yes, but who is he?

Gandalf: I just told you.

Bilbo: Look, I don't want to get caught up in an Abbott and Costello comedy routine, who is he?

Gandalf: Bilbo, I shan't tell you anything further if you're not going to listen.

Bilbo: [bites his lip] Alright then, let's try this again. This is the Carrock.

Gandalf: Yes.

Bilbo: And he who named the Carrock a Carrock did so because that is what he calls such things.

Gandalf: Precisely!

Bilbo: And what is his name, this person who calls Carrocks a Carrock?

Gandalf: Beorn.

Bilbo: Who is he?

Gandalf: [sighs in exasperation] He is the person who named the Carrock.

Bilbo: I probably won't be getting anything further out of you, will I?

Gandalf: Most likely not.

Bilbo: Right then, off we go.

Gandalf: [speaking to the whole company] Ah, but before we go, I must warn you, he is not a man to be trifled with. When we reach his home perhaps it would be better if I introduced you in pairs rather than all at once.

Thorin: But that could take all night.

Gandalf: It is better than having your limbs ripped off and being pummelled about the head and neck with your arm or leg.

Thorin: Yes, yes...I suppose you have a point there. But what sort of a man would do such a thing?

Gandalf: Well, I've heard tell that when he is riled Beorn becomes a giant tree sloth.

Thorin: A tree sloth? They're rather lazy and moss-covered aren't they? Not the type of creatures to be ripping limbs off.

Gandalf: No, you're right. Perhaps it was a large badger....or a menacing aardvark.

Bilbo: Yes, they do get antsy, I suppose.

Bombur: I've 'eard tell the squirrels in these parts are quite nasty. Black as coal and go right after your nuts.

Gandalf: No wait, I have it! He turns into a great bear and roams the land at night.

Bilbo: [nervously] Ummm...perhaps we should just skip going to Beorn's house altogether then.

Gandalf: Oh, stop fidgeting! Beorn is a very kindly man. It's just that sometimes he gets a bit testy. So don't aggravate him.

Bilbo: ...Or else he'll rip my limbs off and pummell me about the head and neck with my arm or leg?

Gandalf: See, you are very bright when you actually listen.

Narrator #3: Hello, Narrator number three here! Yep, Narrator the Third. I am actually quite excited to be narrating this tale for you, as it is my first time doing narrative work. Well, there was that brief bit I did back in school as God in The Ten Commandments. "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" Ha-ha, good times, good times! Hmmm? What? Oh yes, sorry. Tune in next week as Bilbo and company visit Beorn's house. I'm rather looking forward to seeing Bilbo aggravating Beorn and getting his limbs torn off, aren't you?