Line 696: Findegil's suggestion is:
Quote:
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saw {Blodrin Bor's son}[Mîm the betrayer] __ by a beech standing
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Unfortunately, 'betrayer' alliterates on 't', not 'b' (it is stressed on the second syllable). One possibility would be:
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saw {Blodrin Bor's son}[the traitor Mîm] __ by a {beech}[tree] standing
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Unfortunately, 'tree' is used again in line 699. We could, however, safely emend that to 'trunk'.
697: Aran suggests changing the line to remove the syllabic '-ed'. While I can certainly see the temptation to do so, I think that there is no justification for that in our principles - our goal is not to correct or improve on what Tolkien wrote. So I'm for keeping the original line here.
700: We have Findegil's suggestion:
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He bargained the blood __ of {his brothers}[the band] for gold:
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And Aran's:
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He bargained {the blood __ of his brothers for gold}[for gold __ the blood of his leige]:
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Findegil's has the advantage of retaining the full alliteration, but I'm afraid 'the band' is not so clear. Aran's idea to move 'for gold' into the first half-line so that we can alliterate 'bargained' with 'blood' is a good one but it requires the invention 'of his liege'. Also - and now I'm being really pedantic - he actually did not bargain his liege's blood for gold (if his liege is Turin), as he specifically required of the Orcs that Turin not be killed.
A possibility is:
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He bargained {the blood __ of his brothers} for gold [__ the blood of his guests
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'Guests' referring to the outlaws who were dwelling in his house (and also providing a nice double alliteration). Or, if 'guests' is deemed an unsuitable word, something like:
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He bargained {the blood __ of his brothers} for gold [__ the blood of the outlaws
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701: I actually think your original suggestion for 701 scans fine, Findegil. I would use it.
Aran suggests adding the line:
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[Andróg, oathbreaker, __ at last was avenged]
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Certainly, it seems that if Tolkien had written this piece of verse with the story of Androg's curse in mind, some line in this vein would have been included. But I'm afraid adding a line is too great a liberty for us. Also, as it stands it doesn't scan properly; there's no alliterating stress in the second half-line ('avenged' alliterates on 'v' and in any case it must be the first stress of the second half-line that alliterates).
702: Findegil's suggestion (with Aran's correction of 'an' to 'a'):
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by a{n} {orc-}[cruel ]arrow __ {his oath}[Andróg's curse] came home.>
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I think the addition of 'Androg's' makes the second half-line too long. I wonder if we could simply use:
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by a{n} {orc-}[cruel ]arrow __ his {oath}[curse] came home.>
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That is, can we use 'his curse' to mean not 'the curse uttered by Mim' but 'the curse upon Mim'? It seems all right to me, if perhaps not ideal.
I also think that we might do away with the editorial 'and it is sung that'.
So my suggested text is:
Quote:
RD-EX-11.51b<editorial bridge said Húrin.
><Lay of the Children of Húrin The dawn over {Doriath}[Narog] __ dimly kindled {695}
saw {Blodrin Bor's son}[the traitor Mîm] __ by a {beech}[tree] standing
with throat thriléd __ by a thrusting arrow,
whose shaven shaft, __ shod with {poison}[iron],
and feather-wingéd, __ was fast in the {tree}[trunk]. [5]
He bargained {the blood __ of his brothers} for gold [__ the blood of his guests] {700}
this his meed meted - __ in the mirk at {random}[Narog];
by a{n} {orc-}[cruel ]arrow __ his {oath}[curse] came home.>
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In plain text:
Quote:
The dawn over Narog __ dimly kindled
saw the traitor Mîm __ by a tree standing
with throat thriléd __ by a thrusting arrow,
whose shaven shaft, __ shod with iron,
and feather-wingéd, __ was fast in the trunk.
He bargained for gold __ the blood of his guests
this his meed meted - __ in the mirk at Narog;
by a cruel arrow __ his curse came home.
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