Thread: The Desolation
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Old 12-18-2013, 05:04 PM   #84
Morthoron
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Morthoron is a guest of Galadriel in Lothlórien.Morthoron is a guest of Galadriel in Lothlórien.Morthoron is a guest of Galadriel in Lothlórien.Morthoron is a guest of Galadriel in Lothlórien.Morthoron is a guest of Galadriel in Lothlórien.
It is a little known fact that Peter Jackson was considering making the Laketown sequence a musical. Here is the libretto:

ACT II – The Esgarothian Threnody
(In which Bard, unemployed and unappreciated, bemoans his fate in back of the hall)

Personae:
Bard -- tenor
Bilbo Baggins -- piccolo tenor
Bombur –- basso profundo
Dumplin -- mezzo soprano/transgender dwarf in love with Legolas
Master of Laketown -- baritone
Dwarven chorus
Laketown choir

Bard: Is this a hero's life
In Middle-earth fantasy?
I play second-fiddle
To a Hobbit who's three foot three,
And dwarves I despise,
They don't realize --
I've ceased…to be…

I'm just a poor heir of long-dead Girion --

Laketown choir: He was the Lord of Dale, then he failed,
When Smaug the dragon whipped his tail.

Bard: Everywhere were flames blown,
Burning up a kingdom for me…for me.

Drama -- I crave a role,
An epic tale, a meaty part --
Shoot a dragon in the heart!
Drama -- stardom would be fun,
But now it seems I've missed the casting call!
Drama – Ooooooo,
The leading roles have passed me by,
If the script is not rewritten this time tomorrow,
I'll move on, I'll move on,
Because scripting really matters.

Too late, my crown is gone!
It would've looked good upon my head,
Now the dream is all but dead.
Goodbye to the pomp and panoply,
And all the nifty words that describe majesty.
Drama – Ooooooo,
I just want my rightful throne,
I sometimes wish I lacked a pedigree –

Master of Laketown: I see a little bitty shadow of a man!

Laketown choir: He's a noob, he's a boob,
he's not worth a bruised mango!
He's so uninviting, he is not exciting me.

Dumplin: Where's the mayo?

Bombur: Do you need mayo?

Dumplin: Where's the mayo?

Bombur: Do you need mayo?

Dumplin: Where's the mayo for my toast?

Bombur: I need more rolls!

Bard: I'm just an actor, nobody casts me.

Laketown choir: He's just an actor stuck in rehearsals,
Spare him a role in the next production, please.

Bard: Epics come, epics go, can I have a role?

Laketown choir: Scriptwriter – please, give the man a role!

Dumplin: Buttered rolls!

Laketown choir: Scriptwriter – please, give the man a role!

Dumplin: Buttered rolls!

Laketown choir: Scriptwriter – please, give the man a role!

Dumplin: Buttered rolls!

The Dwarves and Laketown choir: Please give him a role – buttered rolls,
Please give him a role – buttered rolls,
Please give him a role – buttered rolls --
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Bombur: Cotto salami!

The Dwarves and Laketown choir: He'll have salami with his rolls!
Morgoth Bauglir has a goblin put aside for me
For me, for me!

Bilbo: I can't believe I left the Shire for this!
I'll put on my ring and maybe I won't be missed!
O Gandalf! Why'd you do this to me Gandalf?
I've got to get out, get me the Hell out of here!

Bard: Scripting really matters
For actors such as me
Scripting really matters
Scripting really matters to me…

Dwarven choir: May we have more buttered rolls?
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