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I couldn't think of a reasonable way to say 'distance' ('miles' is the only real option that doesn't sound forced in English), so I substituted Time.
Anyway, turned out I was being a bit dense: by combining the two versions (and your inspired 'tress' suggestion!) I've turned out this:
Between us time and Sea weave their tress
Between us runs a shadowy road
In the dark you cried to me: "No"
Leaving me forever with "Yes".
Now you are my hope in the night
You are my rebuke where I go
Had I not pursued that old foe
Perhaps another fate would be mine.
All in the right order, hitting all the right notes. The only lines that really change meaning are 'hope in the night' for 'hope of victory' and 'pursued that old foe' for 'that old feud'.
I also think I'm settling on 'grief' rather than 'sorrow'. It flows slightly better. My main problem with singing this is that I keep finding my voice pitching too high. It's a process.
On to verse 3! (Also work.)
hS
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