This new draft actually looks quite excellent! I have only a few very minor (mostly grammatical) changes to suggest:
I think the tales of the Elessar seem to begin rather abruptly. Perhaps we should add in the subheading from their origin:
BY-HL-08.5 <the Elessar The Elessar
>. This would help separate the specific tale from the rest of the chapter. After the second version finishes, we could also add in a break before the text resumes, to set it apart.
CGC-SL-00.3: Galadriel's response to Olorin's question needs minor revision, thus:
Quote:
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And Galadriel said: ‘Where now is the Stone of Eärendil? CGC-SL-00.3 {And Enerdhil is gone who made it.}’ ‘Who knows?’ said Olórin. ‘Surely,’ said Galadriel, ‘{they have}it has passed over Sea
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She cannot say "they have" since our removal of Enerdhil has caused there to be only one thing mentioned.
CGC-SL-00.67: This is the same exact change as the one I suggested above, but for the second version of the tale.
CGC-SL-00.7b: I think the entire bit should be removed. If Galadriel knew about the Elessar, how could she not know who made it? In the version as written she knew who had made it, so why should we change that? I simply removed it thus:
Quote:
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CGC-SL-00.7b {But he did not say to Galadriel that be himself was of Gondolin long ago, and a friend of Enerdhil, though his friend in most things outrivalled him. Yet if Enerdhil had not been then Celebrimbor would have been renowned.}
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This way we also have to take less liberty with inventing new sentences.
CGC-SL-13.5: I do not think the 'than in Lindon' is necessary, since we already say 'with the Noldor of Eregion,' and in fact adding in the bit about Lindon makes the sentence sound awkward. I think it is best to leave it out.
CGC-SL-20.5: I do not think we need to specify 'Sauron's' here, since we refer to him in the previous sentence.