[Morthoron]

An Unexpected Party, Part I

Narrator: And so Gandalf, having conjured up a writ of Habeas Corpus (as well as disintegrating the stubborn judge's gavel with a flash of lightning), managed to secure Bilbo Baggins' release from unlawful detention. The Sackville-Bagginses were, of course, sacked, and the relieved Bilbo once again found himself alone in the cozy environs of his quaint hobbit hole. Setting a kettle on the hob, Bilbo sat back in his chair and gingerly nibbled a biscuit.

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: Now who can that be? Ah yes, it's Wednesday, and Gandalf said he'd be by.

*Opens the door*

Bilbo: Greetings Gandalf, how are...wait a moment, who the 'ell are you?

Dwalin: Dwalin at your service. [the dwarf in a dark-green cape bows grandly]

*Uncomfortable silence*

Dwalin: I am here for a meeting.

*Uncomfortable silence*

Dwalin: Errr...At Gandalf's request.

Bilbo: Right...in you go then. I'm about to take tea and have some cakes, would you care to join me?

Dwalin: I thought you would never ask. I am starving.

*The dwarf hangs up his cape on a peg and bowls Bilbo over in a rush to reach the cakes*

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: [Picking himself off the ground] Excuse me, Dwalin, I'll be right with you! [opens the door] Gandalf, I really...

*A white-haired dwarf in a scarlet hood bows*

Balin: Greetings! Balin at your service! Ah, I can see by the green hood that they have begun to arrive! Is that seed-cake I smell? Don't worry, I'll help meself. I hope you have some beer in your cellar.

*Balin puts his hood on a peg next to Dwalin's and storms off down the hallway*

Bilbo: [pitifully] They? Begun to arrive?

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: This better damn well be Gandalf!

*Two more dwarves force their way through Bilbo's door, hanging two blue hoods on the pegs*

Fili and Kili: We are Fili and Kili at your...

Bilbo: Yes, yes, you're at my bloody service. Off with you then.

*The two dwarves stamp down the hall*

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: Oh for the love of...

*Bilbo opens the door to find a dwarf in a pink hood*

Dumplin: HI! You must be Bilbo! Oooh, such an erotic name. I am Dumplin, at your service. [winks]

*Bilbo opens his mouth to speak, but is speechless*

Dumplin: I'll just follow the others and get a bite to eat. Do you have a latte? Oh, never mind, I'll make some myself. Oh my dear, we have so much to talk about. I am intrigued by hobbits and their big feet. You know what they say... [winks again]

*The dwarf pinches Bilbo's bottom as he passes*

*knock, knock*

Bilbo: What the...

*A horde of dwarves in variously colored hoods mob his doorway*

Bilbo: And just who are all of you?

Gloin: We are the dwarves of limited speaking roles, at your service. Bit actors and carnies mostly. There's so few decent parts for we dwarves as of late, what with CG animation taking away all the Oompaloompa roles in Charlie and the Chocolate factory.

Dori: That Tim Burton bastard.

Gloin: At least this gig pays union scale, and is not some dwarf-tossing event at the local county fair.

Dori: Dwarf-bowling's even worse.

Bilbo: [rolls eyes] Come in, come in...I am Bilbo Baggins...at your service! The rest of your herd are already raping my pantry. What's a few more?

*The dwarves cheer and swarm over Bilbo, and soon there is the sound of clinking mugs and cracking plates*

*knock, knock*

Bilbo: Oh, please be Gandalf!

*An immensely fat dwarf stands panting on Bilbo's porch*

Bilbo: And you are?

Bombur: Hungry!

Bilbo: Of course you are. Come on in! I am sure there are a few cattle I can wrangle up for you.

Narrator: And so, a dismayed Mr. Baggins goes about serving the ravenous dwarves, who have started eating the rush seats off his kitchen chairs.