[Morthoron]

ROAST MUTTON, PART II

Narrator: Thus, Bilbo and the dwarves trudged off and left the heart of the Shire (with Gandalf astride a great white horse leading the way.)

Bombur: Why's 'ee get to ride a horse while we walk?

Narrator: Because that particular stallion was the only one the production team could afford with this film's limited budget. Would you like a pair of coconut shells to simulate the clip-clop of horse's hooves?

Bombur: Ummm...what's a coconut?

Narrator: Never mind. As I was saying, the determined group of travelers left the Shire. Minutes turned into hours, hours into days, and it became very cold and wet, and the lands became strange and rather empty (hence, I suppose, why one calls them the 'Lonelands'). It was getting on towards evening, and the rain was becoming torrential. Cold, bedraggled and soaking, the intrepid group of adventurers decided to stop for the night.

Balin: Drat! I can't seem to light a fire.

Dwalin: Could be because everything's sopping wet.

Thorin: [Rolls eyes] You think? By the way, where's that confounded Gandalf ran off to?

Balin: I haven't seen him for hours.

Bombur: Probably was the only one who got proper accomodations due to the production team's limited budget. Pffft!

Bilbo: [Sighing] Well, it would help if he were here.

Balin: Why? Is he flammable?

Bilbo: Yes...no...I mean he's very adept with fireworks, perhaps he could get a fire started.

Thorin: That's all very well, Mr. Baggins, but it seems the wizard has flown the coop, and we'll just have to rely on our own vast expertise. We dwarves are very resourceful in the wild, you know.

[Thorin and Bilbo watch in dismay as Balin and Dwalin blow furiously on logs immersed in a puddle]

Bilbo: I wish I'd brought my Zippo.

Thorin: Is that some newfangled Hobbitish invention?

Bilbo: No, actually it's my cousin, Zippo Baggins. Very good at starting fires; unfortunately, he was arrested for arson in Hobbiton....

Bombur: Hey, look over there! I think I see a light, there through the trees!

Thorin: I do believe you are right, Bombur. Why, it looks like a bonfire! Fili, Kili, I want you to go investigate immediately.

[Silence]

Thorin: Well? Aren't you going to answer me!

Gloin: Sorry chief, as union steward for the dwarves with limited speaking roles, I must tell you that, contractually, Fili and Kili have already used their single line of dialogue for this film. You'll just have to get someone else to do it.

Thorin: Cursed unions! Ah well, Mr. Baggins, I suppose you had better go and reconnoiter the situation. We're not paying you to sit about when there's burgling and...reconnoitering...to be done.

Bilbo: But you haven't paid me anything!

Thorin: Nonsense! You've eaten our food, haven't you?

Bombur: Not to mention loungin' in these here deluxe accomodations!

Bilbo: But I am cold and wet!

Dumplin: Never you worry, Bilbo dear, I'll keep you warm. [bats his eyes]

Bilbo: Right then. I'll be off.

Narrator: Stay tuned for further adventure in the third part of Roast Mutton, right after a message from our sponsor, Johnson's New and Improved Navel Cleaner:

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