[Encaitare]

It was not long before Wilhelmina found herself inside a small room, sitting in a chair in front of a one-eyed creature similar to the one toted by the Uruk-hai. Karís Mâtiktwít had told her to talk to the so-called "kamura" for a few minutes, explaining her reaction to the task that Anakron had given to her. "Don't mince words," he had said. "Say something nasty about the rest of the Offending Party, if you like. Drama sells. Not nearly as much as sex, of course, but" (here he looked at Wilhelmina derisively) "let's face it, dear, who are we kidding?" And with that, he disappeared through a curtain, leaving her alone with the kamura.

The old woman stared at the thing for a few moments; it neither moved nor blinked. She tapped it with her walking stick, and it didn't move a bit. 'I won't be moving a bit either unless I can get away from this ridiculous show,' she thought. 'Best to play along for the time being, and then...' Suddenly she had an idea. She smiled to herself, and began to talk.

"When my name was selected by Anakron, I felt like I was the most important person in the universe. And I am, you know. I want you all to know that. I'm going to get out of Mordor much more quick than anybody else. Isn't that right, Mr. Swanky?" The ferret crawled out of the caverns of Wilhelmina's hat and allowed her to pet him. "This is my friend Mr. Swanky. I only feed him licorice, and if he's especially good, dead flies. Unfortunately he's got a bad case of conjunctivitis, and some kind of cold -- I think it's the polluted air in this city. Say hello to the kamura!" She held the ferret in front of the unblinking eye just in time for him to sneeze all over it.

"Hey!" Mr. Mâtiktwít appeared, throwing the curtain aside. "What--"

"How was that, Mr. Mâtiktwít? Just like you asked, right? Let's get going," she breezed, placing Mr. Swanky on her shoulder and walking straight past him. If she had turned around, she would have seen him make a horrible grimace, but since his teeth were in quite a deplorable state, perhaps it was for the best that she didn't.

~*~*~*~*~

"We're stopping here, Karís," Wilhelmina declared, halting abruptly in front of a bakery.

The man blinked. "Whatever for?"

"It's lunchtime, and I need something to eat. I've had an insatiable fruitcake craving all morning." She pushed the door open and didn't bother to hold it for him. "I'd like to purchase one large fruitcake," she told the apron-wearing Orc behind the counter. To the reality show host, she said, "I want to sit at that table by the window."

"It's already occupied," Karís protested, not realizing the difficulty the Uruk-hai was having getting the kamura through the door, which he hadn't bothered to hold open either.

Wilhelmina put her hands on her hips. "I am the star of this show, and I say I want to sit by the window! Make them get up!" The man scurried to the table, and slipped the couple sitting there a Troll to make them leave. Wilhelmina immediately flounced over and sat down with her fruitcake.

"Er... I think I saw a restaurant down the block," Karís said, jerking his thumb in that direction. "I'm going to go get something to eat and bring it back, alright?"

"No. You can have some fruitcake."

"I think I'd really prefer--"

"I said fruitcake!"

The man meekly sat down and tried the fruitcake, which was about as hard as a diamond but slightly more colorful. Wilhelmina heard a cracking sound and hoped it was one of his teeth.

"I need some gum," was the next thing she said to him. "Go to the candy shop I saw next door and buy me a pack or five of cinnamon gum. I want all different flavors." She observed his hesitation and continued. "Hey, if I'm going to be filmed by you, then you're going to have to keep me happy. Got it? You wouldn't want to lose the star of your show, would you?" Karís scrambled towards the door and bolted for the candy shop.

"What are you looking at, you overgrown Orc?" Wilhelmina rudely asked the Uruk-hai.

"I'd be much obligated if you'd be so kind as to call me a Native Mordorian," said the kamuraman, accidentally using the wrong word in his haste to promote political correctness.

"And I'd like it if I were Queen of Gondor, but you can't have everything, can you?" said Wilhelmina. Then she spotted Karís returning with her chewing gum. "Or maybe I can..."